June 24th, 2013

Bald Boris: Mayor of London Losing Locks

As Guido’s Sun column revealed yesterday, the mop-topped Mayor of London is going bald. Brand Boris is reliant on his giant blond bouffant, yet his appearance on last week’s Question Time revealed a growing bald patch at the back and a deliberate effort to comb his locks forward. It was all a bit Donald Trump:

The age old rule in British politics is that bald men in the television age do not beat rivals with a full head of hair. Think Tony Blair versus William Hague, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Howard, nor can we forget Maggie versus Kinnock, in every election the slap-head loses. Could Boris be a modern day version of Samson? Better get shift that leadership campaign up a gear…



  1. 1
    That's what happens when you father lots of kids says:

  2. 2
    Liar.Politicians says:

    Must be from all that licking he gets from Cameron.

  3. 3
    Ah! Monika reformed says:

    He should get a Wayne Rooney Quick

  4. 4
    Liz Hurley says:

    He needs to have a word with Shane Warne.

  5. 5
    ground breaking journalism says:

    hold the pulitzer guys

  6. 6
    Steve Miliband says:

    Rub sardine oil into the scalp

  7. 7
    La Belle Francoise says:

    Hair today – gone tomorrow. When is the next election due?

  8. 8
    Tom says:

    Who cares?

  9. 9
    Righteous Pratt says:

    He should get the full tonsure and go after the religious vote.

  10. 10
    Ed Balls says:

    I do.

  11. 11

    I really had thought he was the hair apparent.

  12. 12
    Ah! Monika reformed says:

    Have you been inside a church lately?

  13. 13
    Ed Balls says:

    The reason I blink so much is I have an ingrowing eyelash coming out of my bottom.

  14. 14
  15. 15
    Ah! Monika reformed says:

    He’s got a halo though, so maybe.

  16. 16
  17. 17
    Sir William Waad says:

    Too many collisions with too many bedheads?

  18. 18
    Anonymous says:

    Sow the patch with an appropriate seed mix, sprinkling half the seeds in one direction and the rest in the other. Lightly rake over the seed and protect it against birds with netting

  19. 19
    Sir Wiiliam Waad says:

    If Miliwatt has really taken against oily, fishy creatures, it’s a poor look-out for Keith Vaz.

  20. 20
    Owen Jones says:

    My prose is dubious but:

    ‘Better get shift that leadership campaign up a gear…’

    Did some of Boris’ hair get stuck in the keyboard, or is the hair-balled phrasing a very permed irony ?

  21. 21
    David Cameron's Hairy Hoover says:

    Haaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrryyyyy, Hoooooooooooovvvvverrrrrrrrrr,
    Hairy Hoover, Hairy Hoover, Hairy Hoover,
    Gonna get ya mother fucker with that fibrous suck.

    Haaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrrrrrryyyyy, Hoooooooooooovvvvverrrrrrrrrr….

  22. 22
    a non says:

    If having hair was a pre, wouldn’t Hairy Coal be lord and master of the universe?

  23. 23
    The voice of reason says:


  24. 24
    Living in 97.2% white Merseyside says:

    Here we go again! Boris, Boris, Boris – please change the record.

    Pretty please.

  25. 25
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Guido has become petty. If that is what writing for the sun does for you then pack it in.

  26. 26
    Barry Obama, painter and decorator says:

    Even Churchill (bald) got fewer votes than Attlee in 1951 despite winning.

  27. 27
    Penfold says:

    He can always borrow Michael Fabricant’s syrup…..

  28. 28
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Will he bugger Berger?

  29. 29
    Melvin Bragg says:

    There’s only one true saint on the South Bank.

  30. 30
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Could do better. See me.

  31. 31
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    Both were slapheads so it dosen’t count.

  32. 32
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:


  33. 33
    Peter Hain says:

    Don’t forget me.

  34. 34
    Historian says:

    Boris should remeber what the great Senator Taft said when another Senator patted his bald patch

    It is as smoothe as your wife’s ass..

  35. 35
    Carry Hole is a porcine homunculus says:

    Next you’ll be telling me he’s pulled an uber hotty bit of milf…

  36. 36
    Point of Information says:

    From that: Boris:

    i) Orange Juice applied twice a day. Juice from an Orange, not Kia-Ora.
    – Results within two weeks.

    ii) Ground red pepper: Apply similar way to Orange Juice. Meant to stimulate blood flow. Blood flow is good for hair growth.

    iii) Vitamin E Supplements.

    vi) Ch!nese Herbs: As yet unknown which, but a trip to Leicester Square pharmacist may be worth while. The Ch!nese approach should cleanse the liver and promote blood flow.

  37. 37
    Historian says:


  38. 38
    Luciana Borgia says:

    The spotty four-eyed scouse git should never have called me big nose.

  39. 39
    Coot Watch says:

    What about Dave’s bald patch?

  40. 40
    BBC Political Pundit, not Nick Robinson says:

    If Boris has been applying orange juice to his scalp to unsuccessfully treat his condition, could this explain why he has been so pithy of late ?

  41. 41
    Guido's unpaid intern says:

    Mr Guido is on a booze cruise to speak to those governing Britain

    I am just holding the fort

  42. 42
    Sir Winston Churchill says:

    A Bald pate never did me any harm.

  43. 43
    British Cycling 'Legend' Wiggo says:

    P!ss off.

  44. 44
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    I thought he was a Tory ;-)

  45. 45
    Point of Information says:

    Red Pepper would mean Paprika.

    If anyone wants to give Boris a Cayenne makeover though, please ensure you have video camera and appropriate Yakety Sax to dub onto the ensuing footage.

    Also: Boris: Sunny D is not Orange Juice.

  46. 46
    Boris' hairdresser says:

    Boris keeps singing this in my shop

  47. 47
    Bald Eagle says:

    There is Pied, there is Bald and then there is Boris.

  48. 48
    Anonymous says:

    Any excuse to introduce Boris in to the conversation !

  49. 49
    Benny Hill says:

    I liked that line so much, I even used it with Little Jacky Wright.
    (To be fair, no-one ever accused me of being original.)

  50. 50
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    But you were running against Attlee another slaphead.

  51. 51
    Owen"Austerity" Jones says:

    FTSE 100 6032.57
    -83.60 -1.37%

    This is indeed “Black Monday”

    Good job that The Peoples Assembly offloaded their shareholdings last week.

    Vive La Revolution.

  52. 52
    David Cameron's new pet dog: Spunker ! says:

    Woof ! ** pants **

  53. 53
    Carry Hole is a porcine homunculus says:

    I’d have thought you lefties would welcome the end of the yield based valuation stock market and the new central banker run stock hovering (based on monopoly money production).

  54. 54

    Genau! Herr Flick!

  55. 55
    Chuka in a West End club says:

    I will report you to Big Eddy and the cabal for that

  56. 56
    Reader says:

    You are Mark Twain’s hairdresser, and I claim my copy of Huckleberry Finn, uncut.

  57. 57
    Nigel Farage says:

    Fancy another magnum of Bollinger champagne Owen,you closet champagne socialist you.

    Go on,you know you want to .

  58. 58
    Economist says:

    If this is the start of ‘Bond-apocalypse’ then even the lefties shouldn’t be too keen on that.

    They need to fund themselves somehow, and the tax payer simply doesn’t have enough cash, as Labour proved 1997-2010.

  59. 59
    Tanganyika Groundnut Scheme sponsored by Attlee Government that Miliband forgot to mention..... says:

    Reacting to the mixed messages coming out of Labour Leadership on the economy I imagine….Miliband says that there will be more austerity and cuts in public spending if Labour are elected whilst Balls tells us that if elected as Chancellor he will “Spend ” Spend ! Spend ! and “Borrow ! Borrow ! Borrow !”…now I know WHICH Ed I would believe to be telling the truth

  60. 60
    Lord Swervin' Mervin, retired King says:

    Trust Bennie Bernabke to make the markets collapse

    For only the third time

    Such a consistent fellow

  61. 61
    Bed time for Bonzo says:

    …..ageing man starts to go bald…….so glad I didn’t pay the 60p for that exclusive!

  62. 62
    Brillo from Monte Carlo says:

    It all started in China

  63. 63
    Anonymo says:

    Boris is going to turn into the next Donald Trump with the comb-over if he’s losing hair like that.

  64. 64
    Ben says:

    Bad heir day

  65. 65
    Narcissus patrol says:

    Has anyone ever told you that you are an offshore bore?

  66. 66

    Borrers could change to Friar Tuck …or something similar!!

  67. 67
    Jacob says:

    My brother Esau is an hairy man, but I am a smoooooooth man.

  68. 68
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Ed Balls has a rather noticeable widow’s peak.
    Now, if only he had a widow…

  69. 69
    Economist says:

    Gordon didn’t lie when he said it was the end of Boom and Bust.

    We have now entered the new economic cycle of: Stick and Bust.

  70. 70
    A reporter on the Snowden story says:

    Where am I? Why is everyone speaking Portuguese or something?

  71. 71
    Dave should resign now says:

    He may yet come to understand why Trump objected to the windmills plonked at the end of the golf course.

    The extra breeze they cause can not only affect your putting, but is also a devil for your wig.

    Boris may now see the wisdom of conventional and nuclear energy, and how bad windmills can be for your hair.

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    I see you more as a supermarket fish stick, orange on the outside and fake all through.

  73. 73
    BoJo's 'No Ammonia' Leadership Campaign says:

    Vote Boris, because he’s worth it.

  74. 74
    Owen Jones (Guest Moderator) says:

    Stop deportation of Trenton Oldfield. http://www.change.org/en-

    GB/petitions/theresa-may-home-office-stop-the-deportation-of-trenton-oldfield …

  75. 75
    Wernher von Braun says:

    What goes up must come down

  76. 76

    He looks like The Saint. If the Saint hadn’t a haircut in a couple of months.

    And he has a red Halo.
    Very apt.

  77. 77
    The 1% of Cuba that is the Good old USofA says:

    Hello snooping hacks. Welcome to Camp Guantanamo

  78. 78
    Joss Taskin says:

    Are you bald?

  79. 79
    Django says:

    Boris will no doubt have us believe that a bald patch is in fact the solar panel that powers a sex machine libido… I beg to differ. It is infact the clowns power source and in his case it works really well..

  80. 80
    Samuel Langhorne Clemens says:

    Oddly enough, Neo Guido and I share the same hairdresser:

  81. 81
    Potential UKIPer. says:


    Come on Guido, get this guy booted out of UKIP:

    Cllr Brian Silvester has ‘defected’ to UKIP:


    Actually, he was booted from the Tories in Nov 2012 following a conviction for fire bsafety breaches in a property he owns:


    WHT are UKIP playing at here?

    Get Nige to comment.

  82. 82
    Ooh me gooly birds says:

    Ho ho ho..

    Did it take you all morning to think that lame one up?

  83. 83
    French teacher says:

    Bouffant is spelt buffoon in French

  84. 84
    Carry Hole is a porcine homunculus says:

    He already destroyed yields…

    It’s like cutting off the wings off a plane to reduce drag…

  85. 85
    nmj says:

    He’s a convicted criminal of foreign origin, deport the fucker.

  86. 86
    i don't n eed no doctor says:

    Alles gut baby.

  87. 87
    Glass stones says:

    Probably took as long to think up as your abysmal riposte.

    Not very long.

  88. 88
    Glass stones says:

    Whilst can we all agree with deportation idea I’m not certain Owen Jones is a foreigner.

  89. 89
    Biased Broadcasting Corporation says:

    What a coincidence… we find out that Leveson did in fact know that 80% of phone and computer hacking was not done by tabloid journalists, and the Guardian puts out another Stephen Lawrence story. They must be really worried that Hacked Off is haemorrhaging the last little bit of credibility it’s got.

  90. 90
    Kendo Nagaski says:

    That’s because he get’s a cut called a “cornetto” from his barber.
    Seriously, no one noticed the comb over kid was going bald?

  91. 91
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    Yes. Lend him that wig Michael :)

  92. 92
    Ding Dong says:

    “Better get shift that leadership campaign up a gear…”. Nice grammar.

  93. 93
    plants do maths. says:

    the roots has power.
    Johnson is losing his roots.
    hair is about the past.
    to be free of the past, just get rid of the hair.

  94. 94
    plants do maths. says:

    it is a sign of desperation.

  95. 95
    plants do maths. says:

    no matter how much one blinks the reality remains the same.
    better to just bandage the eyes and watch delicious movies.

  96. 96
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    Boris prefers Dry Wigs rather than Wet’s Michael :)

  97. 97
    plants do maths. says:

    if there is a worthwhile issue then it is the judges who look reasonable.
    The Rt. Hon. Sir John Chilcot, GCB, PC is a Privy Counsellor and former civil servant.
    neither he is right or honourable.
    Sir means head. So he sat on our head and was given the benefit of the doubt.
    The issue is Privy Counsellors. They cannot be trusted. But then if so, no one in public life can be trusted.

  98. 98
    Just A Thought says:

    Donald Trump…

    Now you come to think, Boris has a look of Donald (the combover) Trump. Once it has been combed forward and stuck down with tape or glue perhaps he might leave his hair alone??

  99. 99
    Borris says:

    Steady on — there’s a few back doors I would consider, but I’m not going follow chukkalugs rear entry route.

  100. 100
    Bingo says:

    Hooray! Your final paragraph shows that at last you are beginning to catch up.

  101. 101
    A Human Being says:

    Who cares? Boris is a busted flush. He’s been on the way down ever since the Olympics.

  102. 102
    Matilda says:

    Excellent! Can we now apply your theory to these blasted twirly eyesores popping up all over the place?

  103. 103
    Matilda says:

    Good, pass the scalpel nurse..

  104. 104
    Bojo's mum says:

    But he’s only got an ingrowing toenail….

  105. 105
    Anonymong says:

    Vai para a puta que pariu.

  106. 106
    Anonymous says:


  107. 107

    Arschgesicht mutterficker, fick dich!

  108. 108
    Old Blind Pugh says:

    Probably Bill Waad suggestion most likely

  109. 109
    Old Blind Pugh says:

    Does you mean pack in writing for the Sun or give up his blog, Geedo probably has his base in Murdoch Towers, Wapping, eagerly awaiting his next assignment from the dirty digger.

  110. 110
    Old Blind Pugh says:

    It’s just his wig that has shifted

  111. 111
    JH349324890234023 says:

    Hint to the lad – next time you meet Berger, make sure you are a ‘rising star’ (a very relative term) in the Labour party.

    That conk will be bobbing in and out of your pubes in no time.

  112. 112
    Mop Top Tot spotter says:

    … but in compensation we hear that there are limitless mop top tots toddling around England and even a few in Scotland …

  113. 113
    Kateesh'a says:

    … pineapple flavour Managra applied directly to the scalp twice pd …

  114. 114
    Baldy says:

    FFS. If you’re going bald, you’re going bald!. What’s the fucking problem?.

  115. 115
    The Bleedin Oblivious says:

    The French have a different word for everything.

Seen Elsewhere

Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath
Boris: Jihadis are W*nkers | Sun
Ed Miliband: International Sex Symbol | Telegraph
Javid: Let Tories Campaign For Out Vote | House
Ministry of Justice Loses Death Inquiry Data “In the Post” | TechnoGuido

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,716 other followers