June 10th, 2013

Downing Street Deserters Update

With the mini-reshuffle on the cards for early next month keeping everyone well behaved, the joke doing the rounds of Tory MPs is that Claire Perry “is so far up the PM’s a**e she can almost see Matt Hancock’s shoes.” Play nice, kids…

It’s not just ministerial movements in the offing. As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun column, the PM’s press secretary Susie Squire is weighing up leaving Downing Street even if Gabby Bertin, for whom she is covering, does not return from maternity leave. It would be the perfect opportunity to bring in someone with some print experience who can command some respect amongst hacks, leaving Craig Oliver to do what he likes doing – dealing with the TV news. They couldn’t afford Guido, obviously…


  1. 1
    Blog observer says:

    Put Guido into number 10 Downing Street


    • 7
      IDS observer beggingly says:

      Keep the strange man IDS out of Downing Street before he is able to cause greater harm to those vulnerable people suffering from his delivering nothing policies who were on incapacity benefit.

      Ask CAB, MIND etc


      • 14
        One-term Dave, dragging the Tories to their grave, says:

        Look, it’s vital that we make big important savings here, so I have more lolly to splash-out on foreign aid. Do you realise that the aid I gave Pah kiss tan last year was only enough for them to build ten nuclear warheads? That’s shameful, isn’t it? So if I slash the benefits bill here in the UK, next year I should be able to give Pah kiss tan enough lolly to buy 20 or even 30 spiffingly peachy new nuclear warheads. That will make you all jolly proud!

        By the way, if you are looking for a job, I’d get one pretty quickly if I were you because I’m going to let 29 million Romanians into the UK, 6 months from now. They WILL steal your job and they WILL reduce wages and they WILL make housing less affordable, so.. make hay while the sun shines!

        Toodle pip!


        • 49
          Time for change says:

          The LibLabCon coalition know that many more people will be claiming social security and housing benefit over the next 5 years, and even thought the allowances for the individual will only rise by a small amount, the total bill will rise significantly.

          To mask this, the LibLabCon will cut budgets for schools, hospitals, armed forces and old people (winter fuel, care home subsidy, bus passes).

          So existing residents of the UK will suffer a reduction in standards to pay for the uncontrolled immigration they are inflicting on this coutry.

          Wages will drop and total numbers of unenployed will likley rise.

          Those on PAYE will suffer worst with likely rises in various forms of taxation to pay for this unwarrented largesse to immigrants.

          Companies and the self employed are able to use various “legal” ways to reduce their tax, almost every single self employed person I speak to tells me its a great wheeze and they pay significantly less tax than me at all wage levels. And if your big business (Vodpahone, Thames Water, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, Apple, Stemcor, etc etc etc) it seems with well paid accountants its possible to pay no tax for years and years.

          It is the mugs who are PAYE middle classes who are paying for all of this and getting stuffed.

          Dont be suprised when we all leave becuase the country is destroyed.

          The only solution is to leave the EU, and only UKIP is promising this.

          All the other parties are lying.


          • Gaddaffi's chauffeur says:

            The solution is not to leave the EU.

            The solution is to stop Child Benefits completely and insist parents finance their own children.


          • Boris's Mum says:

            Phew, you wield a nasty knife Guido.

            Next time you pat me on the back, I will know that you are just looking for a soft spot to plunge the blade.


    • 10
      The Downing Street cat says:

      Could do with help catching the rats in here , the Palace of Westminster is riddled with them


    • 31
      Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

      The cellar would be emptied within 48 hours.


    • 46
      Geoffrey Brooking says:

      When Nigel is PM maybe it could happen :)


  2. 2
    Blog observer says:

    How much does it take to buy Guido?


  3. 3
    purpleline says:

    Call for Kelvin


    • 61

      You mean the “River” or the “Lord” Kelvin ?

      Or ’twas it the erstwhile squire of
      PC Murdoch of Stoorie Brae that
      thou doth crave.

      “Whaur’s ma’ Cartie”

      / \

      quite cryptic


  4. 5
    A nincumpoop says:

    Don’t know if the tart photographed is Suzi or Gabi, but whichever it is could lose a few pounds around the chin region.


  5. 6
    Steve says:

    Meanwhile the Greek tragedy continues apace, and glimmers of hope for EUSSRsceptics, courtesy of the Bundestag.



    • 18
      Truthteller says:

      The bury your head in the sand brigade, can’t relate to that piece of news.


      • 50
        The EU says:

        Greece needs to go away, think about it, and come back with some better unenployment and growth statistics.

        They clearly aren’t applying themselves to the problem and have made a mistake.

        Barrosso and Schauble
        cc Merkal and Hollande


  6. 8
    One-term Dave, dragging the Tories to their grave, says:

    Hello chums! I realise that calling Conservative supporters a load of swivel eyed loons has upset one or two of you, and I also know that my blind obedience to the EU (praise be upon it) irks you a tad, and I know that my habit of borrowing nearly £20billion every year and giving it to the EU (praise be upon it) where it promptly disappears without trace also annoys you, and I know that allowing 29 million Romanians into the UK from 1st Jan 2014 worries you (not least because those that are already here are keeping the courts so very busy), so I thought I’d clear the air a bit by giving a positively spiffing speech about how super duper the EU (praise be upon it) is, and how jolly spiffing it is to be in the EU (praise be upon it).

    There. That should make you swivel-eyed loonies vote for ME, your lord and master.

    Tally ho!


    • 52
      dave caMoron says:

      Ps – I live in Notting Hill and am super rich already.
      I just wanted to say, I despise all you working class and middle classes, your all either chavs or try hards. Your either worth millions like me, or your not, and if your not you can fcuk off and stop bothering me.

      I know whats best for you, as does my bessie mate Ken Clarke and Wee Willy Hague, and its not just conservatives either, that nick clegg and Mandelson are absolutley spiffing chaps as well. They are all independantly wealthy and completley “get” what Im talking about.

      We know best, do as we say, not as we do.

      Get it !!!


  7. 9
    Hobo humping Solbo babe says:

    If that where Claire Perry has been it might explain the caption http://www.claireperry.org.uk/images/content/action-for-children-291.jpg


  8. 11
    Anonymous says:

    What a waste of time Cameron and all his cronies are.


    • 42
      Wyle Cop says:

      Yep – another bit of Tory Totty from the Shires biding time before copping off with some rich merchant banker (in all senses…) and having a manor-full of sprogs.

      FFS, if we only needed some pretty pussy in Downing Street we could just put Larry and Freya in charge and fuck off.

      Where’s Bernard Ingham when you need him? Pretty he ain’t – but any hack who didn’t toe the line was soon subjected to ‘electrodes on testicles time’ in a darkened room.


  9. 12
    Parliamentary Standards Commissioner says:

    To avoid all speculation and any misery therefore caused to my client, I would like to state here and now, Mr Tim Yeo is completely innocent of anything and everything, thank you.


  10. 15
    Truthteller says:

    Matthew Hancock is my MP, I’ve wondered where he’s been and what he actually does for his constituents.


    • 21
      Anon aka HandyCock by nature says:

      Fcuk all…….that’s all the Great Unwash deserve……..

      and thats all they are going to get…………..

      so fcuk off …..the lot of you…….

      I am busy adjusting my expenses 2be claimed paperwork…..

      for 2014………


    • 33
      Pompey Resident says:

      MIKE Hancock is my MP, I’ve wondered where he’s been and what he actually does for his constituents.


  11. 16
    What won't be said @ The Palace says:

    Arise Lord Faw*kes of Hang Them,Draw Them & Quarter Them…….

    we know we are in a safe pair of hands……..

    Carry on your excellent work with such relish as required…….

    to bring all of those Cons*LieLabor*LebDims miscreants to Order………



  12. 19
    Steve Miliband says:

    Piers Morgan


  13. 20
    Tony Blair is a Twat says:

    Fuck me.

    The Titanic has just hit the iceberg and now the Captain is doing a reshuffle of his bridge crew.

    Fucking Tories are shit.


  14. 22
    Alex Jones says:

    Everything is a conspiracy! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!


    • 63

      Dictionary definition :

      Conspiracy (noun) :

      A plot to carry out some harmful or illegal act (especially a political plot)

      Alex Jones is correct then, at least so far as what he said about Yeo et al.


  15. 23
    MARK WOUTERS says:

    I recieved a final notice to pay Leeds city council a poll tax/council tax bill ,i cannot as i dont have any money, now thy want the full amount which i still cannot pay as ive no money,and they now wont let me eventually pay by installments.
    Leds city council have ascess to the DWP benefits records ,so they know when i should get payment next ,so they collude and say i will be summosed to appear at Magistrates court,WELL IM NOT GOING.
    The police can arrest me and give me a criminal recored but WHY ? they have put me in this position and i refuse any longer at adhere or abibe by aby tory Laws.
    I may find myself homeless but thats on the DWP/and leeds city councils head,all i really want is to leave this country for good and never return as i would like to travel the world,i have NO PLANS TO GET MARRIED OR SHACK UP WITH A Bitch.


    • 28
      Fed up with scroungers says:

      If you jog on over the hills to Liverpool, there’s a ferry leaving.
      And if you renounce your citizenship, and all rights to any UK entitlements, forever, I’m sure Mr Osbo will find the £39.00 to get you on your way.


      • 41
        Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

        You mean there was a ferry leaving. I believe it is currently reappearing on various lorries at the local scrap metal merchants.


  16. 24
    Anonymous says:

    And Guido’s print experience is?


  17. 25
    Jimmy says:

    “It would be the perfect opportunity to bring in someone with some print experience who can command some respect amongst hacks,”

    Why not? It worked so well last time.


  18. 26

    oh Yeo! I am undone!
    Yeo is me!


  19. 27
    Sue Brown says:



  20. 30
    Joss Taskin says:

    No TottyWatch tag ?


  21. 34

    Not all bad this CIA/MI5 spying
    Just typed into google

    “Mrs Quango -Birthday- size 10, Pepperberry, blue, slimstrap, slinkie dress..”

    Google replied – “She already bought this.”


    • 43
      Das Englandspiel says:

      Fascinating stuff, I just typed into Google

      “Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary, truth speak, ever?

      Google replied one word answer – No

      Always nice to have consistency in an otherwise troubled world!


  22. 37

    Hello hello..Guido has just turned up on the Dale show to stick it it Yeo.


  23. 38
    Mayor 'Diamond Bo' Johnson says:

    No 10 is safe in the hands of my little brother, ‘Diamond Jo’ Johnson.


    • 55
      Christine Keeler's string says:

      After what I have been told, nothing that goes on in Downing Street surprises me anymore.


  24. 45
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    I’ve heard a rumour that Mark Simmonds is said to be on the rise too.

    It will only make him an even bigger target for Ukip to shoot down ;)


  25. 47
    Luciana's Burger says:

    Susie sucked a few cocks at last year’s conference, figuratively of course. Had more blokes buzzing round her than flies round camel dung.

    She’s sort of the Natasha Kaplinsky of the Tory party eh-what?


    • 51
      The blood drained from his face says:

      This story is a damn good smokescreen Mr Fawkes.

      Perhaps there will be a gong on its way to you after all.


  26. 54
    The blood drained from his face says:

    Mr Cameron thinks UKIP are in denial about an EU exit does he?

    Well why not just call an EU Referendum and keep his comments and scaremongering to himself?

    Put all paperwork at the disposal of the Electorate and let them decide for themselves.

    Whilst this is going on Mr Cameron can stick to what he does best: improving gay rights and the economy in equal measures.


  27. 58
    Labour activist says:

    Vote Labour

    We stand for old fashioned family values.



  28. 59
    Rebekah Brooks says:

    He made love like a Chinese meal. Small portions, but so many courses….


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