June 10th, 2013

Downing Street Deserters Update

With the mini-reshuffle on the cards for early next month keeping everyone well behaved, the joke doing the rounds of Tory MPs is that Claire Perry “is so far up the PM’s a**e she can almost see Matt Hancock’s shoes.” Play nice, kids…

It’s not just ministerial movements in the offing. As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun column, the PM’s press secretary Susie Squire is weighing up leaving Downing Street even if Gabby Bertin, for whom she is covering, does not return from maternity leave. It would be the perfect opportunity to bring in someone with some print experience who can command some respect amongst hacks, leaving Craig Oliver to do what he likes doing – dealing with the TV news. They couldn’t afford Guido, obviously…


  1. 1
    Blog observer says:

    Put Guido into number 10 Downing Street

  2. 2
    Blog observer says:

    How much does it take to buy Guido?

  3. 3
    purpleline says:

    Call for Kelvin

  4. 4
    Gordon Brown says:

    Ask Murdoch.

  5. 5
    A nincumpoop says:

    Don’t know if the tart photographed is Suzi or Gabi, but whichever it is could lose a few pounds around the chin region.

  6. 6
    Steve says:

    Meanwhile the Greek tragedy continues apace, and glimmers of hope for EUSSRsceptics, courtesy of the Bundestag.


  7. 7
    IDS observer beggingly says:

    Keep the strange man IDS out of Downing Street before he is able to cause greater harm to those vulnerable people suffering from his delivering nothing policies who were on incapacity benefit.

    Ask CAB, MIND etc

  8. 8
    One-term Dave, dragging the Tories to their grave, says:

    Hello chums! I realise that calling Conservative supporters a load of swivel eyed loons has upset one or two of you, and I also know that my blind obedience to the EU (praise be upon it) irks you a tad, and I know that my habit of borrowing nearly £20billion every year and giving it to the EU (praise be upon it) where it promptly disappears without trace also annoys you, and I know that allowing 29 million Romanians into the UK from 1st Jan 2014 worries you (not least because those that are already here are keeping the courts so very busy), so I thought I’d clear the air a bit by giving a positively spiffing speech about how super duper the EU (praise be upon it) is, and how jolly spiffing it is to be in the EU (praise be upon it).

    There. That should make you swivel-eyed loonies vote for ME, your lord and master.

    Tally ho!

  9. 9
    Hobo humping Solbo babe says:

    If that where Claire Perry has been it might explain the caption http://www.claireperry.org.uk/images/content/action-for-children-291.jpg

  10. 10
    The Downing Street cat says:

    Could do with help catching the rats in here , the Palace of Westminster is riddled with them

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    What a waste of time Cameron and all his cronies are.

  12. 12
    Parliamentary Standards Commissioner says:

    To avoid all speculation and any misery therefore caused to my client, I would like to state here and now, Mr Tim Yeo is completely innocent of anything and everything, thank you.

  13. 13
    M102 says:

    Did she give the speaker a bl0w j0b?

  14. 14
    One-term Dave, dragging the Tories to their grave, says:

    Look, it’s vital that we make big important savings here, so I have more lolly to splash-out on foreign aid. Do you realise that the aid I gave Pah kiss tan last year was only enough for them to build ten nuclear warheads? That’s shameful, isn’t it? So if I slash the benefits bill here in the UK, next year I should be able to give Pah kiss tan enough lolly to buy 20 or even 30 spiffingly peachy new nuclear warheads. That will make you all jolly proud!

    By the way, if you are looking for a job, I’d get one pretty quickly if I were you because I’m going to let 29 million Romanians into the UK, 6 months from now. They WILL steal your job and they WILL reduce wages and they WILL make housing less affordable, so.. make hay while the sun shines!

    Toodle pip!

  15. 15
    Truthteller says:

    Matthew Hancock is my MP, I’ve wondered where he’s been and what he actually does for his constituents.

  16. 16
    What won't be said @ The Palace says:

    Arise Lord Faw*kes of Hang Them,Draw Them & Quarter Them…….

    we know we are in a safe pair of hands……..

    Carry on your excellent work with such relish as required…….

    to bring all of those Cons*LieLabor*LebDims miscreants to Order………


  17. 17
    Lord Stansted says:

    and if we were to discover otherwise then we are sure that Climate Change will be proved to have been responsible.

  18. 18
    Truthteller says:

    The bury your head in the sand brigade, can’t relate to that piece of news.

  19. 19
    Steve Miliband says:

    Piers Morgan

  20. 20
    Tony Blair is a Twat says:

    Fuck me.

    The Titanic has just hit the iceberg and now the Captain is doing a reshuffle of his bridge crew.

    Fucking Tories are shit.

  21. 21
    Anon aka HandyCock by nature says:

    Fcuk all…….that’s all the Great Unwash deserve……..

    and thats all they are going to get…………..

    so fcuk off …..the lot of you…….

    I am busy adjusting my expenses 2be claimed paperwork…..

    for 2014………

  22. 22
    Alex Jones says:

    Everything is a conspiracy! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!

  23. 23
    MARK WOUTERS says:

    I recieved a final notice to pay Leeds city council a poll tax/council tax bill ,i cannot as i dont have any money, now thy want the full amount which i still cannot pay as ive no money,and they now wont let me eventually pay by installments.
    Leds city council have ascess to the DWP benefits records ,so they know when i should get payment next ,so they collude and say i will be summosed to appear at Magistrates court,WELL IM NOT GOING.
    The police can arrest me and give me a criminal recored but WHY ? they have put me in this position and i refuse any longer at adhere or abibe by aby tory Laws.
    I may find myself homeless but thats on the DWP/and leeds city councils head,all i really want is to leave this country for good and never return as i would like to travel the world,i have NO PLANS TO GET MARRIED OR SHACK UP WITH A Bitch.

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    And Guido’s print experience is?

  25. 25
    Jimmy says:

    “It would be the perfect opportunity to bring in someone with some print experience who can command some respect amongst hacks,”

    Why not? It worked so well last time.

  26. 26

    oh Yeo! I am undone!
    Yeo is me!

  27. 27
    Sue Brown says:


  28. 28
    Fed up with scroungers says:

    If you jog on over the hills to Liverpool, there’s a ferry leaving.
    And if you renounce your citizenship, and all rights to any UK entitlements, forever, I’m sure Mr Osbo will find the £39.00 to get you on your way.

  29. 29
    Two Ed's are Thicker than One says:

    It’s ‘Flab’ between the ears that counts.

  30. 30
    Joss Taskin says:

    No TottyWatch tag ?

  31. 31
    Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

    The cellar would be emptied within 48 hours.

  32. 32
    Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

    or the Russian Embassy.

  33. 33
    Pompey Resident says:

    MIKE Hancock is my MP, I’ve wondered where he’s been and what he actually does for his constituents.

  34. 34

    Not all bad this CIA/MI5 spying
    Just typed into google

    “Mrs Quango -Birthday- size 10, Pepperberry, blue, slimstrap, slinkie dress..”

    Google replied – “She already bought this.”

  35. 35
    Mayor 'Diamond Bo' Johnson says:

    How dare you call her a tart; she is my Spad.

  36. 36
    Dr Dre says:

    Yeo motherfucker!

  37. 37

    Hello hello..Guido has just turned up on the Dale show to stick it it Yeo.

  38. 38
    Mayor 'Diamond Bo' Johnson says:

    No 10 is safe in the hands of my little brother, ‘Diamond Jo’ Johnson.

  39. 39
    George W says:

    Yeo! Blair! How’ya’ll doin?

  40. 40
    Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

    Studying the bulk buy discount list at Majestic.

  41. 41
    Pandora Spankingham-Wopp says:

    You mean there was a ferry leaving. I believe it is currently reappearing on various lorries at the local scrap metal merchants.

  42. 42
    Wyle Cop says:

    Yep – another bit of Tory Totty from the Shires biding time before copping off with some rich merchant banker (in all senses…) and having a manor-full of sprogs.

    FFS, if we only needed some pretty pussy in Downing Street we could just put Larry and Freya in charge and fuck off.

    Where’s Bernard Ingham when you need him? Pretty he ain’t – but any hack who didn’t toe the line was soon subjected to ‘electrodes on testicles time’ in a darkened room.

  43. 43
    Das Englandspiel says:

    Fascinating stuff, I just typed into Google

    “Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary, truth speak, ever?

    Google replied one word answer – No

    Always nice to have consistency in an otherwise troubled world!

  44. 44
    Anthony Charles Lynton Pants on Fire says:

    Very wealthy now thanks George.

  45. 45
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    I’ve heard a rumour that Mark Simmonds is said to be on the rise too.

    It will only make him an even bigger target for Ukip to shoot down ;)

  46. 46
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    When Nigel is PM maybe it could happen :)

  47. 47
    Luciana's Burger says:

    Susie sucked a few cocks at last year’s conference, figuratively of course. Had more blokes buzzing round her than flies round camel dung.

    She’s sort of the Natasha Kaplinsky of the Tory party eh-what?

  48. 48
    Handycock says:

    Seriously ill on sick leave.

  49. 49
    Time for change says:

    The LibLabCon coalition know that many more people will be claiming social security and housing benefit over the next 5 years, and even thought the allowances for the individual will only rise by a small amount, the total bill will rise significantly.

    To mask this, the LibLabCon will cut budgets for schools, hospitals, armed forces and old people (winter fuel, care home subsidy, bus passes).

    So existing residents of the UK will suffer a reduction in standards to pay for the uncontrolled immigration they are inflicting on this coutry.

    Wages will drop and total numbers of unenployed will likley rise.

    Those on PAYE will suffer worst with likely rises in various forms of taxation to pay for this unwarrented largesse to immigrants.

    Companies and the self employed are able to use various “legal” ways to reduce their tax, almost every single self employed person I speak to tells me its a great wheeze and they pay significantly less tax than me at all wage levels. And if your big business (Vodpahone, Thames Water, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, Apple, Stemcor, etc etc etc) it seems with well paid accountants its possible to pay no tax for years and years.

    It is the mugs who are PAYE middle classes who are paying for all of this and getting stuffed.

    Dont be suprised when we all leave becuase the country is destroyed.

    The only solution is to leave the EU, and only UKIP is promising this.

    All the other parties are lying.

  50. 50
    The EU says:

    Greece needs to go away, think about it, and come back with some better unenployment and growth statistics.

    They clearly aren’t applying themselves to the problem and have made a mistake.

    Barrosso and Schauble
    cc Merkal and Hollande

  51. 51
    The blood drained from his face says:

    This story is a damn good smokescreen Mr Fawkes.

    Perhaps there will be a gong on its way to you after all.

  52. 52
    dave caMoron says:

    Ps – I live in Notting Hill and am super rich already.
    I just wanted to say, I despise all you working class and middle classes, your all either chavs or try hards. Your either worth millions like me, or your not, and if your not you can fcuk off and stop bothering me.

    I know whats best for you, as does my bessie mate Ken Clarke and Wee Willy Hague, and its not just conservatives either, that nick clegg and Mandelson are absolutley spiffing chaps as well. They are all independantly wealthy and completley “get” what Im talking about.

    We know best, do as we say, not as we do.

    Get it !!!

  53. 53
    the public says:

    Ohhhhhh no he isssnt …………!

  54. 54
    The blood drained from his face says:

    Mr Cameron thinks UKIP are in denial about an EU exit does he?

    Well why not just call an EU Referendum and keep his comments and scaremongering to himself?

    Put all paperwork at the disposal of the Electorate and let them decide for themselves.

    Whilst this is going on Mr Cameron can stick to what he does best: improving gay rights and the economy in equal measures.

  55. 55
    Christine Keeler's string says:

    After what I have been told, nothing that goes on in Downing Street surprises me anymore.

  56. 56
    Gaddaffi's chauffeur says:

    The solution is not to leave the EU.

    The solution is to stop Child Benefits completely and insist parents finance their own children.

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    does spanking experience count. Six of the best!

  58. 58
    Labour activist says:

    Vote Labour

    We stand for old fashioned family values.


  59. 59
    Rebekah Brooks says:

    He made love like a Chinese meal. Small portions, but so many courses….

  60. 60
    Boris's Mum says:

    Phew, you wield a nasty knife Guido.

    Next time you pat me on the back, I will know that you are just looking for a soft spot to plunge the blade.

  61. 61

    You mean the “River” or the “Lord” Kelvin ?

    Or ’twas it the erstwhile squire of
    PC Murdoch of Stoorie Brae that
    thou doth crave.

    “Whaur’s ma’ Cartie”

    / \

    quite cryptic

  62. 62

    But would Fawksie be prepared to “Swear an Oath” to “the German” though ?

  63. 63

    Dictionary definition :

    Conspiracy (noun) :

    A plot to carry out some harmful or illegal act (especially a political plot)

    Alex Jones is correct then, at least so far as what he said about Yeo et al.

  64. 64
    Anonymous says:

    Bad polling results for Ukip today as a supporter is it a reason to be depressed?

Seen Elsewhere

The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
UKIP on 23% With Survation | Mirror
UKIP Could Deal With Dave | Douglas Carswell
Tories Would Lower Benefit Cap | Telegraph
Bashir Twitter Meltdown | Mirror
Bashir is a Wrong’un | Norman Tebbit
Natalie Bennett Says it Should Not be a Crime to Belong to ISIS | Indy
LibDems Fifth in London | Standard
45 Mirror Group Stories Linked to Phone-Hacking | Press Gazette
Dave’s Diet | Speccie
Pink’O’Flynn | HuffPo

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George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”

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