May 30th, 2013

Guidogram Going Out Shortly

The Guidogram round-up of the week is going out shortly.

Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it. All the latest on Adam Afriyie, Guardian Coffee and more…

Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop. You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Owen Jones says:

    Afternoon Benders !!

  2. 2
    UKIP Van Winkle says:


  3. 3
    Get you Honky Tonks says:

    The Tories are a bunch of Poofters.

  4. 4
    The BBC causes serious mental illness says:

    Are the BBC going to come out of denial about Obama ?

    If not: Why not ?

  5. 5
    CarryHole is a fat homunculus says:

    BBC campaigns to extend marriage definition to include that between broadcasters and democrat party presidents.

  6. 6
    Ali G says:

    Is it because he is black?

  7. 7
    Owen Jones says:

    Apparently some anarchos are going to punish me as a right-wing sellout by throwing a turnip at me at Brighton People’s Assembly. Exciting!

  8. 8
    Dave doesn't care and hague is odd, very odd indeed says:

    So when the Guardianistas said the EDL (or far right as they call them) had desecrated the war memorials with ISLAM they were wrong. Don’t suppose they will publish a front page apology though.

  9. 9
    Plastic Bag says:

    Hey Guido, stop being a bore and put some proper stuff up on your blog.

  10. 10
    More money wasted says:

    Guido are you aware that the AIRE Centre who instigated the EU court actions on welfare against Britain appear to be funded by the EU itself but more worryingly the Foreign Office if their website is to be believed

  11. 11
    Ian Hislop says:

    Thanks mate!
    We can use it all.

    Except the cartoons because yours are really shite.

  12. 12

    Are you suggesting that we are suing ourselves?
    So .. the good news is we’re going to win the action either way.
    But the bad news is we’re going to attempt to claim the costs from ourselves?

  13. 13
    Ed Miliband says:

    Can anyone explain where my hindquarters are? I have a devil of an itch but am experiencing serious difficulties in locating my backside with either hand.

    A map would be most helpful.

  14. 14
    Plastic Bag says:

    You’ll probably find there is not much to use, Ian. The Order Order blog has been a bit duff recently, which is odd, given that there is so much interesting stuff going on in the news.

    hey say that you can get a refund, but not if you buy the Sun.

  15. 15
    Di Ann Fatbutt says:


  16. 16
    Percy Longprong says:

    I have an interesting shaped vegetable you can sit on.

  17. 17
    CastIron Cameron says:

    I would just like to announce that I’ve awarded a 10 year cotract for £300m per year, to be revised upwards at the rate of inflation plus 5% every 6 months to GuardianCoffee to supple coffee to our envy of the world NHS hospitals and, assuming they manage to successfully undergo diversity re-education, all armed services personnel.

    This will, alongside the unlimited advertising budget tax-payer money the Guardian receive, help ensure the newspaper survives into our new, exciting, multicultural future.

    Vote for me. Ignore that UKIP chap. Toodle pip.

  18. 18
    More money wasted says:

    If we win we can pay ourselves compensation as well

  19. 19
    A Cartographer says:

    It’s where you keep your thumb when you aren’t sucking it, Ed

  20. 20
    Anne Other-Cartographer says:

    Locate Len MacCluskeys shoulder, follow it to the elbow, and your butt cheeks will be on either side.

  21. 21
    Hansard writer says:

    And don’t forget to fuck the Squeaker….

  22. 22
    Axe The Telly Tax & Religion & Kill All Ecoloons says:

    Ed it’s the place you keep talking out of.

  23. 23
    Community Diversity Officer Ackmad says:

    Nothing’s to see ere, move awong…..

  24. 24
    Sal E Bercow says:

    *naughty face*

  25. 25
    Caligula's hoss says:

    It must be the result of gay marriage

    Suing yourselves without even knowing it…

    It gets curioser and curioser…

    Is there no end to your perversions?

  26. 26
    Lord M says:

    Feeling happy today Cicciolina?

  27. 27
    Polly Pot says:

    The EDL made him do it!
    Don’t you blame our mossies!

  28. 28
    Chairman of Young Socialists says:

    I want to marry my mother

    Dr Freud said it is normal….

    It will be ground breakinf fon’t yu think?

  29. 29
    lEmpty Ed Milliband of Polish Fame says:

    I will intervene and my wife will make a fortune out of working the case

    At your expense…

    Aided and abetted by “Mr Jay”, her boss, of Leveinson fame…

  30. 30
    Incapable Vince, deputy Chief Cockroach says:


  31. 31
    Ed Miliband says:

    Sorry, Len McCluskey is already sitting on me.

  32. 32
    Teresa May says:

    The public don’t want ‘falling immigration’, they want no immigration and the illegals rounded up and chucked out.

  33. 33
    Gordon says:

    I’ve got an invite to next week’s Battenburg meeting in Wexford. Could have sworn it was going to be nearer London this year but I’ll be swapping cake recipes with the big knobs as usual. I do remember chatting with an American chap in the kitchen once. A right idiot he turned out to be.

  34. 34
    A taxpayer says:

    Shut it down.

  35. 35
    Matrix Chambers says:

    Did someone say ‘legal action’?

    I can almost smell the paint on a new yacht.

  36. 36
    Diane Fatbott says:


  37. 37
    O'Bama's fireside chat says:

    I was once getting some peanut jelly sandwiches from the White House kitchen and this crazy Irishman..or maybe he was a Scotchlander.. anyway..he sure stunk the place up…well he ran in and started shouting at me.
    I didn’t see any security around and I didn’t know how he’d got in the place. he was clearly mentally disturbed I shook his hand and asked what he wanted.

    Well..the crazy tramp jumped up, clasped his arms around my neck and kissed me on the chin..It was weird.

    I said “ down about you and me, we share a hot dog? Yes we can.”
    At that, for some reason, he started babbling in that Welsh-English language and dropped his pants.

    Luckily the secret service arrived and took him away.
    But the kitchen still has a faint whiff of wet dog, ammonia and failure about it.

  38. 38
    broderick crawford says:


    do you have both hands free and are you in a neon lit mirrored room ?

    these prerequisites. are
    essential prior to your attempting this exercise

  39. 39
    broderick crawford says:

    did you know that in his prime as leader of her majesty s opposition the young just married hague released an inyerview on one of the broadsheets saying his favourite saturday morning chillax pastime was listening to two hours of hard rock by meatloaf on his headphones. ??

    wonder what ffffffffjionnnnnn. or whatever her name was was doing … the washing no doubt .

  40. 40
    broderick crawford says:

    well its all researhable… ust go to the archives i believe it was the ft but it could have been the telegraph as those are the only two papers i would stoop to read …..

  41. 41
    broderick crawford says:

    yeah guido stop modding everything …

    curb the zeal of your YTS pupil student lawyer on shift today who seems to be modding all that breathes ..

  42. 42
    broderick crawford says:

    amplifies the english vocabulary what. ??

    self suitage

    a welcom addition to self abuse . . which for too long has plied a lonely furrow among the annals of he vernacular .

  43. 43
    broderick crawford says:

    with. what ???

    ” bubble “. wrap ??

  44. 44
    broderick crawford says:

    careful. jokers

    be mimdful what you say today that it does not come back and analise you tomorrow .

    now that we have had the french male sex addict alienated from the imf incumbency we now await the possible alienation from its chairmanship of the female french payola queen if and when indicted of financisl impropriety via payments sanctioned to monsieur tapie whilst french finance minister.

    looking for someone of equally unstable pedigree as the new imfhead honcho ??

    WHY. … step forward mcmanse who saved the world once and can surely do it again ..

    as they say in football parlance .. has he got one big job left in him

    ( no sarcastic replies please ).

  45. 45
    Your new manager (for this week) says:

    But do they need a left footer or a right w(h)inger ?

  46. 46
    napolebon solo says:

    here s an opinion for guido s gran. or is it gram ??

    the CONVICTED. child killer and paedophile. bridger should be shoved down an industrial size S– bend and left to. die and rot eventually beiing flushed to sewers.

    instead he will. spend the next forty plus years manipulating. gullible. box ticking psychiatrists. trying to. find out where that angel april is. buried .

    to boot we as taxpayers will be paying for forty plus years of three.good hot meals. a day plus light heat roof aircon games gym tv internet etc .

    the wardrs even have to address them as mister nowadays. coz of. euuuuuuman rights..

    not on. OUT Of ORDER !!!!!

    what would be his fate in singapore or japan. both firstvworld countries ???

  47. 47
    napolebon solo says:

    MODDY !!!!


    its all proven and not. sub judice any more you politically correct. androids !!!

  48. 48
    Yvonne from The Colliers Arms Clydach says:

    Please Guido remember the Welsh people in your Gram.

    Under Mr Cameron’s administration people in Wales are starting to starve and have no jobs.

    We are not a little Republic in Central Africa.

    We are part of mainland Britain and your Queen can trace her roots right back to Henry V11 and Pembroke Castle.

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ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
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Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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