May 23rd, 2013

Bonkers Conkers EU Ban Plan
New Legislation Outlaws Conker Trading

The EU have EU-turned:

Yesterday the PM weighed into the daft tale, saying:

“This is exactly the sort of thing that Europe shouldn’t even be discussing. It shouldn’t even be on the table, to force a pun – so to speak. So this shouldn’t even arise. This is exactly the sort of area that the European Union needs to get right out of in my view.”

Well thankfully they have seen the light, but here is another one for Dave to get stuck into…

At the beginning of the month the “Plant Reproductive Material Law”  was adopted by the EU Commission to regulate all plants. Seed experts say:

“Under the new law, it will immediately be illegal to grow, reproduce or trade any vegetable seed or tree that has not been tested and approved by a new “EU Plant Variety Agency”, who will make a list of approved plants. Moreover, an annual fee must also be paid to the Agency to keep them on the list, and if not paid, they cannot be produced.”

Which means that strictly speaking it is now in breach of EU regulations for schoolboys to swap or sell their conkers to their mates, without paying an annual fee and without conkers being “officially tested and registered”. Bonkers.


  1. 1
    UKIP Official Policy says:

    Wot about the bent bananas? we will ban the bans

  2. 2
    Watcher says:

    “An annual fee”. Just like the ones that killed off our horticultural chemical industry and left only 2 German monopolist companies in the market.

  3. 3
    Owen Jones says:

    Sod them all !

    I’m “shorting” UK conkers

  4. 4
    shot aload says:

    Does this cover seminal fluid secreted by the gonads.

  5. 5
    Englishman says:

    “Thankfully they have seen the light”. You mean this is an EXACT copy of the Jim Hacker Sausage plot. And designed for exactly the same purpose, so that Cameron can pretend to be standing up to Brussels.

    How dim do they think we are?

  6. 6
    Penfold says:

    Yawn, just tell the brussels mafia to fuck orff.

    Let’s be like the french, ignore the rules if they don’t suit us.

    And, in the unlikely event that we get fined, tell Brussels to poke orff and deduct the fine from the money we pay them.

    We as a nation a not a net receiver of EU monies, so we have an advantage, which we should exploit.

  7. 7

    Purchasers of legally available cannabis seeds are surely entitled to quality assurance through standards and regulations?

    And the public is entitled to protection from the state from genetically-modified allotment misuse?


  8. 8
    Anonymous says:

    No it doesn’t – check your facts. From the proposed regulation: “plant reproductive material exchanged in kind between two persons other than professional operators is excluded from the scope of the Regulation”.

  9. 9
    Anonymous says:

    Yes, if it’s intended for human consumption.

  10. 10
    Dillygaff says:

    The use of seed in private gardens is not covered by the EU legislation and private gardeners can continue to buy any plant material and sell their seed in small quantities Moreover, it will be clarified that any non-professional (e.g. private gardeners) can exchange seed with other private gardeners without falling under the rules of the proposed Regulation.

  11. 11
    me says:

    the DT leads with a headline:

    Woolwich attack: We must tackle hate preaching over the internet, security experts say

    does this also include the foul racist abuse and abuse of disabled people and the poor and unemployed that is a routine feature of this blog?

  12. 12
    Eleanor Jackson says:

    The death of this imperialist colonialist British warmongering soldier should be celebrated. Islam is a religion of peace and we welcome our muslim superiors.

  13. 13
    Steve says:

    Please don’t respond to this twat.

  14. 14
    Truth said says:

    Dont be silly all this racist abuse is nonsense made up by trouble makers (may be like yourself) always moaning and complaing, quite frankly it is boring and just gets on sensible peoples nerves, I suggest that you find something else to do, buy some counting beads or something !

  15. 15
    Truth said says:

    Quite right Steve there is something missing in the Brain department, best ignored ,might go away.

  16. 16
    Eleanor Jackson says:

    Steve should be banned so as not to offend muslims.

  17. 17
    Eleanor Jackson says:

    Not wise to reply to your own posts under a different moniker.

  18. 18
    Truth said says:

    I will NOT have anything said about Muslims……… Yes I will GO FOR IT !

  19. 19
    Anonymous says:

    Read it again. It doesn’t cover just trading. You have to pay a license simply if you have a tree. Don’t worry, those French farmers will really appreciate it.

  20. 20
    Barry Obama, painter and decorator says:

    Since when were the disabled and the poor a race?

  21. 21
    Mighty Oak says:

    So I can no longer plant acorns unless the EU approves and I pay them money?

  22. 22
    Rabbi Owen Jones says:

    PM Netanyahu expressed his condolences and sympathy with the people of Britain on the aftermath of the horrific terror attack in Woolwich.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Stealing other people’s work is against the law. That image is Copyright Mandy Barrow, as you well know, since you chopped that bit off the original.

  24. 24
    Dunlaggin says:

    Yvette Cooper on Sky now- has got a new accent to go with her new look.
    Will Ed do the same?

  25. 25
    Django says:

    We should stuff conkers up their bottoms and make them dip their flat bread into olive oil bowls that we’ve pissed into!!!

  26. 26
    True Professional says:

    And what pray is a ‘professional operator’. The words ‘professional’ and ‘profession’ have become totally meaningless. Look at the ‘Healthcare Professionals’ and ‘Social Services Professionals’. Most are called so having been on a couple of trivial courses.

  27. 27
    Sandra says:


    Dave Cameron has made it clear he will never take Britain out of the EU.

    Vote UKIP

  28. 28
    S-E Loon says:

    Will BoJo be arrested for sowing wild oats?

  29. 29
    Raving Loon says:

    If we leave the UK, we will lose the benefits of the “EU Plant Variety Agency”. UKIP and others are being reckless by suggesting we should leave the EU. Without this agency the UK’s GDP will fall by 234% and we will lose 12,000,000 jobs.

  30. 30
    CarryHole is a ginormous Hunt says:

    “Funny” how regulation is help those big corporates (that support the EUSSR) to avoid competition at consumers expense.

  31. 31
    graham smith says:

    Underground conker traders have been infiltering our fist and second forms for years

  32. 32
    Stringbean says:

    It doesn’t matter what it says in their military manual.

    Muslims are attacking us. They have been allowed into our midst and they are clearly a threat to our nation. They should be treated as such. We need to defend ourselves. If the government won’t defend the people of this country properly, they should stand aside and let the people exercise their inalienable rights to self defence in time of war.

  33. 33
    The elephant in the room says:

    I agree but 13 years of Labour and 3 years of Blue Labour have left us vulnerable.

  34. 34
    Lord Rennard says:

    You sound as though you’ve had a bit too much to drink, love. Perhaps I should take you up to your room.

  35. 35
    Fact says:

    There’s a lot of nuts in the EU that need legislating

  36. 36
    and says:

    Wasn’t it Labour MP Diane Abbott who called someone “demented” recently?

  37. 37

    The other fellow is right. The politicos are the least of your worries. We are being mortally threatened as a civilisation, by EuroNazis who now have engendered “plant Police” into being.

    Perhaps we should define these as the “Vegestapo”.

    Raving head-hacking nutters can be eliminated later, by ordinary lynch-mobs wielding felling-axes and common garden spades.

  38. 38
    Owen"Adolf" Jones says:

    Stasi police informants @TellMamaUK must be having a field day today.

  39. 39
    Eleanor Jackson says:

    If I hadn’t persuaded Radstock Town Council to take down the flag of St George that could be my head lying on the pavement.

  40. 40
    lolwut says:

    Who the actual fuck “sells conkers to their mates”?

    Is it 1960 again? Next you’ll be telling me they’re banning the ol’ stick and hoop. BLOODY EU.

  41. 41
    Ed Milibland says:

    234% is a the low estimate.
    It could well rise to 235% of GDP.

  42. 42
    john the straight guy with a deep manly voice says:

    Guido, stop playing the clown, and pretending that the Eu are bonkers. This is no laughing matter, the implications are profound. Agribusiness are taking over the world, and pundits giggling on the sidelines are making it easier for them.

  43. 43
    Owen Jones says:

    I haven’t beheaded anyone.

  44. 44
    Sir William Waad says:

    In fact, the new legislation does not apply to exchanges in kind. As long as no money passes, the kids will be all right.

  45. 45
    Frank Words says:

    Precisely the sort of things that makes the EU look so stupid.

  46. 46
    Who let them in? says:

    Just coz we beat them at conkers.

  47. 47
    Selohesra says:

    So its alright for me to give Mrs S my seed in our garden?

  48. 48

    Your claim that conkers will be illegal is nonsense, viz:

    “The use of seed in private gardens is not covered by the EU legislation and private gardeners can continue to buy any plant material and sell their seed in small quantities Moreover, it will be clarified that any non-professional (e.g. private gardeners) can exchange seed with other private gardeners without falling under the rules of the proposed Regulation.”

  49. 49
    Boris says:

    Count me in on items 1,2,3, 7 and 8. Where do I sign?

  50. 50
    Anonymous says:

    Pity its not.

  51. 51
    FYI says:

    Eleanor Jackson is the batty old bag from Radstock in Somerset behind a recent decision to ban flying the flag of St George in the town because it would offend Muslims.

  52. 52
    Himpa says:

    how about a sesemme sead bun?

  53. 53
    Granny Grunt says:

    You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

  54. 54
    No to Labour nepotism says:

    Is part of her “new look” admitting that “she” is actually a 15 year old boy?

  55. 55
    Very good says:

    So, there’s 1200 extra cops on duty across London today. How reassuring.
    If some other savages kill people we can be assured that roads will be cordoned off promptly and attackers won’t be challenged for twenty minutes unless Cub Scout leaders are on the scene

  56. 56

    The EU is having no part in telling me how I dispense my seed.

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    In fact the above is almost identical in many respects to the J**ish holy book the Talmud – ‘cept the Talmud, in places, is even more extreme.

  58. 58
    dave and the elite are out of touch says:

    Dave just said on the telly that the muslim community give so much to this country.

    Dave they don’t give anything. They isolate themselves and send all their giving back home.

  59. 59
    gump says:

    dow about trading seed in a public toilet?

  60. 60
    Someone who can read says:

    Seems like, but banning a religion will be a sure fire way to see two outcomes:

    i) Total destruction of liberty
    ii) Guarantee a completely off the wall response from the followers of that faith.

    Religions cannot be fought this way.

    Scientology is a good case in point, and that is just an irritating cult.

  61. 61
    The EUSSR small mammal commissar says:

    I’ll soon knock that grin off your face, cats are next,

  62. 62
    Rt Hon Edward Heath kiddy fiddler says:

    Joining the EEC is merely a trading arrangement and will have no impact on this country’s ability to make its own laws and govern its own destiny. Can I have my new yacht please now?

  63. 63
    EU Funded Pro-EU Troll says:


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  64. 64
    Today I will mostly be giving insulting DIY tips says:

    For an ultra smooth finish, prepare all timber surfaces by first rubbing them down with Sandra’s gravel fanny. If Sandra is unavailable at your local hardware store, any dried out old UKIP sow will have the abrasive qualities needed.

    Vote UKIP. Switch from a blue rinse to a purple rinse.

  65. 65
    The BBC causes serious mental illness says:

    They gave us a bit of a barbaric laugh yesterday, not that we could bring ourselves to report it properly…

  66. 66
    David Cameron, seeking votes says:

    Gay Marriage anyone ? Political genius ? Vote for me ?

  67. 67
    Steph Arunjobobo-Jones, Headteacher says:

    Hi peeps. its me, Steph, Head Learning Facilitator at Mumbookoo Primary School, Newham.

    This makes no difference to me as we have already banned conkers. Conkers are extremely dangerous and the welfare of the child is of paramount importance at Mumbookoo School. Far more important than the Students (we do not use the patronising term ‘pupils’ here) actually learning anything.

    Furthermore, conkers are mentioned in books by the bourgeois author Enid Blyton and her posh, blond, middle class kids. We have banned them too as being totally unacceptable and inappropriate in a modern multilingual school. Anyway, none of the Learners understand her books because they use long words like “it” and “dog”.

    We have banned dogs too because many families find them unclean.

    I am current working on other things to ban, in order to get promoted.


  68. 68

    Yeah? That’s going to work, isn’t it? You have got to get up from behind your desk first…

  69. 69
    Anonymous says:

    Living the dream hey?

  70. 70
    Down Shep says:

    Colonel Sanders is a white supremacist, anyway what about gravy boats?, high time the EU addressed itself to this major problem of our times, what’s with the Olive Oil obsession, who’s running the show… Bluto?.

  71. 71
    EU Watch says:

    And where exactly did the UK people agree to join an entity which would tell our private growers what seeds they can use, and essentially tax them for producing our food ?

    Headline may be a distortion, but one fails to see what this has to do with free trade.

    In any case, the rest of Europe will ignore this and only the UK will hobble itself by following the rules. In a year or so we may get the horse DNA found in dodgy tomato’s from Romania story come out, if someone at the expensive and ineffective European Food Standards Agency gets round to testing a batch.

  72. 72
    Canary Wharf Rat says:

    She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
    I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
    I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
    About the fifty ways

    She said why don’t we both just sleep on it tonight
    And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light
    And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
    There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
    Fifty ways to leave your lover

    You just slip out the back, Jack
    Make a new plan, Stan
    You don’t need to be coy, Roy
    Just get yourself free
    Hop on the bus, Gus
    You don’t need to discuss much
    Just drop off the key, Lee
    And get yourself free

  73. 73
    Reality says:

    Didn’t a school recently ban flapjacks of a triangular nature after a kid was hit in the eye during a food fight ?

    Or was that another EU directive ?

  74. 74
    Thingy says:

    This article reflects exactly what the EU has said, except for the bit about conkers.

    Taken from the proposal:
    “Furthermore, plant reproductive material exchanged in kind between two persons other than professional operators is excluded from the scope of the Regulation.

    As under this Regulation the definition of operator does not include private persons…”

    So as long as school boys don’t register their businesses and then sell them to each other I think they should be OK.

  75. 75
    Lord Rennard says:

    FYI: That doesn’t bother me. I’ve had a bit to drink as well.

  76. 76
    Anonymous says:

    It’s ok, bent bananas can now get married.

  77. 77
  78. 78
    Anonymous says:


  79. 79
    Down Shep says:

    People of a sensitive disposition should look away, How come the Police didn’t manage to shoot them properly?.

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    don’t count your chickens.

  81. 81
    Stringbean says:

    And which magic donut shop have they been hiding in all this time?

  82. 82
    Anonymous says:

    if it looks like a duck …

  83. 83
    Stringbean says:

    Dave is a liar and a fraud. A pretty treasonnous one at that: he insults the intelligence of the vast majority of the British people with his crap.

  84. 84
    Jonathan Miller says:

    There is a very well regarded nursery near me that works to preserve and distribute heritage varieties of fruit tree.
    It would seem that the EU has just gone a very long way towards putting them out of business.
    I don’t recall hearing of any public desire for this legislation.
    The sensible way to address this (in the event that this aim is even desirable) would be to maintain a list of harmful varieties, and ban trade in those varieties. The onus would then be on the state to prove that a trade in a banned variety had taken place.
    However, that is not how the EU, or increasingly, our own legislature, works.

    Please, please, please can we leave now.

  85. 85
    Anonymous says:

    Shock and horror. A thieving politician.

  86. 86
    Pundit too too says:

    What a pity that Wavy Dave does not take his own advice.
    He should never have promoted the Gay Marriage and child adoption policy in the first place.
    This will cost him a lot of votes on two fronts.
    I. That many people do not agree with it.
    2. That it was never in the agenda by ANY party, so a total waste of taxpayer paid time when the country is suffering – pyhric victory as he will find out.
    Can’t wait for his next pratfall – it could be next week unless he goes abroad.

  87. 87
    Anonymous says:

    Very dim, and most certainly right to think so. It will be this sort of tosh that Dave will rest back to our sovereignty when he ‘re-negotiates’ our relationship with the EU, i.e. they tell him what bureaucratic crap they’ll be happy to off load while they get on the with the job of clearing us out of cash. We’ll swallow it like £50 hooker giving a blow job.

    The British public could vote that vile crook Blair 3 times then giving Max Factor Dave the vote in will be small change.

  88. 88
    Ben Britten. says:

    Police on the backfoot over the time taken to respond.
    They now state it was 5 minutes to get someone on the road and all dealt with by 14 minutes.
    BBC give another account of time and action but this is normal for them.
    Judging by the police record over the last year I suspect they are doing a little fiddling with the incident reports.
    In Jerusalem it would have been all over in 5 minutes.

  89. 89
    BBC - Bias (in) Bashing Conservatives says:

    We do the same every day but we agree with you on Dave which is why we never support him.

  90. 90
    An Ill wind is blowing. says:

    It will blow over as the political and economic repercussions are too great.
    Must admit if ever she is found guilty (up to 10 years in prison) I am sure she will take the time to top up her tan.

  91. 91
    An Ill wind is blowing. says:

    They ran out of tazers so they used second class shotists.

  92. 92
    Anonymous says:

    it’s defined in the draft regulation. there’s a link in the story above. it’s not very difficult to see that this story is total bollocks.

  93. 93
    Down Shep says:

    25 years free board and lodgings now.

  94. 94
    Frankfurt school for goyim says:

    This legislation is clearly designed as a precursor to force-feeding the British public with GM crop varieties; Roundup is a deadly poison and can leave toxic levels of residues in GM crops which are also lacking in vital mineral ingredients.

  95. 95
    Moby says:

    New moniker cat?

  96. 96
    Anonymous says:

    So now I’m expected to know what’s in my garden?

    I have enough trouble remembering where it is so the grass (- if that’s what it is) gets cut occasionally.

  97. 97
    Down Shep says:

    GM is being pushed on the same agenda as GW, it is going to save the planet, Soylent Green. Yes, all your worst nightmares will soon become a reality with these Eco-Green, $$$.£££, loons.

  98. 98
    Nemesis says:

    UKIP is the only answer to EU regulations.

  99. 99
    Matilda says:

    Pitchforks are being sharpened all over the country as we speak.

  100. 100
    Oh crap! says:

    Google GM seeds and Monsanto – all linked to this with the end result designed to be all the food we eat will be produced from GM seed and ONLY GM!

  101. 101
    Matilda says:

    Didn’t elfin safety ban playing conkers a year or two ago on the grounds that the kiddywinks might come to grief (or feel utterly devastated, a condition that will entirely ruin the rest of their lives) if their pissy little conker got blasted by a bigger one? Poor kids have no fun these days. Are they even allowed to climb trees any more?

  102. 102

    “an annual fee must also be paid to the Agency to keep them on the list, and if not paid, they cannot be produced.”

    At last! Tax revenue for the EU, not dependent on the goodwill of member-states governments. That’s been the EU’s holy grail for years!

  103. 103
    F Mercury (dec'd) says:

    Yup, you’ve got to break free.

  104. 104
    Voltaire says:

    Est-ce qu’il y a aucune personne qui pense qu’elle est un peu milfy?

  105. 105
    Head lice says:

    Sorry, loons is just not strong enough to describe these mendacious and voracious agribusiness cvnts (most of whom appear to be American).

  106. 106
    Head lice says:

    Anybody told the Yanks about this little wheeze yet? I bet the Kansas farmers will piss their pants laughing.

  107. 107
    Integrity trail says:

    Nero fiddles.

  108. 108
    ThosTids says:

    Yes, but he was bribing the voters with their own money. More fool Mad, Bad Gordon for being left holding the bomb when it went off.

  109. 109
    Canary Wharf Rat says:

    Oui, Tres Milfy….

  110. 110
  111. 111
    Anonymous says:

    actually, the regulation would only apply in full to a specific list of varieties. heritage varieties that are sold in small numbers are specifically excluded. individuals are also excluded (including schoolboys and their conkers). might be worth reading the regulation before making a load of assumptions.

  112. 112
    EU supporters are traitors says:

    Another few million gardeners destined to vote for UKIP

  113. 113
    left wing,right wing tiz all the same bird says:

    funny as fu kc :)

  114. 114
    left wing,right wing tiz all the same bird says:

    you obviously don’t have many friends….

    UKIP wanted across the country.

    if you had some you could ask them!

  115. 115
    left wing,right wing tiz all the same bird says:

    soldiers on the gate 50m away would have done the job…..

    private security armed with pens made their report

    nothing to see here!

  116. 116
    Anonymous says:

    Pity Dave didn’t have a word with his own team since they abstained from vote on olive oil on tables. Dave eh, never unknowingly a supine twat!

  117. 117
    Tom Catesby says:

    It just shows, if further proof was necessary that the EU ‘leadership’ needs a good hard, repeated knock on the head with a very large unregistered conker!

  118. 118
    Tom Catesby says:

    Maybe they wanted the savages to live long enough so they could get them to talk later, by standing very briskly on their poor wounds if required!

  119. 119
    Tom Catesby says:

    As a long time keen gardener and allotment holder, I have exchanged seeds and cuttings with other friends and fellow gardeners. I intend to continue doing the same and so do they, I will do what I can to extend and encourage the practice of seed swopping etc, the EU and it’s ‘seed police’ can basically f^ck right off!

  120. 120
    Pete says:

    We did attack iraq leaving it a smoking ruin, also libya which is now ruled by tribes and thugs, we may not have liked there regimes but half the muslim population will now hate us for the next thousand years

  121. 121
    Apidaes are 'ere again says:

    Tell the EU to buzz off.

  122. 122
    Apidaes are 'ere again says:

    Perhaps she was referring to ‘demon Ted’ Milibrain ?

  123. 123
    Eleanor Jackson says:


  124. 124
    jerym says:

    Come on, you`re being silly now it wont in practice apply to kids and conkers and you know it Don’t turn this most important blog into another fxxxxxx Daily Mail

  125. 125
    Bern A Qoranaday says:

    Much better to count pigs.

  126. 126
    Bern A Qoranaday says:

    Not even the odd helmet ?

  127. 127
    green fingers says:

    Even if it doesn’t apply to conkers, do you really want the EU to be in charge of all seed reproduction and trading.
    Do you understand the ramifications of the proposals?

  128. 128
    Phucumall says:

    I would now like to kick them in their unregulated conkers

  129. 129
    Anonymous says:

    Well they can f*ck off!Its definately time to put pressure on the prime minister to invoke article 50 of the Illegal Lisbon treaty they intend to make criminals of us all.

  130. 130
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’ve just put a conker up my arse and it felt good.

  131. 131
    NE Frontiersman says:

    ‘.. private gardeners can continue to buy any plant material ..’
    Who from? Seed merchants, of course, who will be bullied out of maintaining rare species because of the cost of registration This is an attempt to please the big boys in the agribusiness world which is a huge threat to biodiversity. When decisions are made at Euro level there are fewer people you need to bribe.
    It’s also an example of legislation on the basis that what is not allowed is forbidden: the converse of freedom under the law as we know it.

  132. 132
    Richard says:

    This story is of course nonsense that was made up by a man wanting to sell you his seed catalogue. The proposal clearly removes from the scope of the Regulation transactions between two individuals. So one child can give another child a conker. Of course they can.

  133. 133
    Richard says:

    Exactly. The print media print enough lies and made up stories already. Surely Guido you have more respect for the facts than this?

  134. 134
    Greycell says:

    Guido should read the document – it is only 147 pages. It would not cover swapping conkers. It says:
    “Furthermore, plant reproductive material exchanged in kind
    between two persons other than professional operators is excluded from the scope of
    the Regulation.”

    I still dislike the EU

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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