April 1st, 2013

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218 Comments

  1. 1
    Adolph Miliband says:
  2. 2
    CAPTAIN TURDSEYE says:

    Tiz I

  3. 3
    A small, slightly smelly person says:

    Yes, we know.

  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    Hello ! where have my comments gone ?

  5. 5
    Anne Drecks says:

    Done that. Off for a wank.

  6. 7
    Kebab Time says:

    Private Eye Exclusive

    Download the Guido App Today on the Guido Website

  7. 12
    Labourunionsbbc we are one under the EU says:

    For my money Bill Quango MP surpasses himself with the quote of the day.
    And I shall be steering clear of those half-baked Ready-Mehdi’s now I know what’s in ‘em.

    • 17
      Arfur Daley says:

      nothing wrong wiv them ready meals a bit of brown sauce could not rectify

      • 151
        Bullers says:

        They are curries, because when you add the curry spices it all just tastes of curry, so any meat just tastes the same, how Eric Pickles manages to shove so much down his throat, probably assisted by 2 pints of Black Sheep.

    • 18
      Guido Fawkes says:

      Do you masturbate in front of mirror every day?

      • 119
        Anonymous says:

        master…..bate. spirit of energy.
        look at the related baby.Lon..ion world of elements.
        earth,
        sky,
        sea,
        wind,
        fire.

        earth will be worshipped by all.
        murdoch owns SKY.
        wind (rush) and fire (rush) cornered by b…….hot…air………..lair.
        .
        so that leaves the sea.
        who will be the sea lord…the 1st?

  8. 14
    BBC are Bias bastards says:

    News tonight stating police investigating Stafford health authorities

    Should start with “safe in our hands” aresewipe Burnham first then. Thwy wont though and we all know it.

    Now had this been a Tory????

  9. 16
    Glove muppet says:

    Quote of the day worth repeating. Well done Lady McAlpine !!!!!!

    Lady McAlpine dismisses Sally Bercow and Philip Schofield:

    “and she was the first one kicked out… He began in children’s television with his thumb stuck up a glove puppet.”

    hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! brilliant

    *innocent face*

  10. 21
    Gordon McAbsent says:

    My Nokias are all broken. Do you have an app that works on my Etch-a-Sketch?

  11. 22
    Rupert says:

    Your my bitch now Guido

  12. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Not compatible with the Nexus 7 – get it sorted Guido!

  13. 25

    I had an android growing in my back garden but I dug it up.

  14. 29
    EU Funded Pro-EU Troll says:

    Vote UKIP.

  15. 30
    Common Purpose says:

    Think global, act local.

  16. 31
    Common Sense says:

    Buy local, stuff global.

  17. 32

    Sea slug sheds its penis after sex, scientists find.

    They can do themselves. So can the ex-member for Eastleigh.

    http://bit.ly/Uf8jHo

  18. 37
    Ah! Monika 2013 +1 says:

    FFS Four Horses don’t make an Apocalypse

    Let’s eat up and move on.

  19. 41
    Err says:

    Was Oscar Pistorious on speed?

    • 43
      fitz fitz says:

      LA Times reports that he shot through the bathroom door …

    • 45
      old SHEP says:

      No, just a bit pistorious, give him an Oscar for that one though.

    • 97
      Expat Geordie says:

      When he was charged with murder when everyone was reporting it as an accidental killing I thought that it might be a “technical” charge, in the same way that he South Africans used to charge their hangmen with murder after an execution, and then drop the charge.

      I’m not a fan of the death penalty, but when the saffers were hanging 200 people a year back in the 80′s for murder and rape I doubt that they had an annual murder rate of 15,000 and an annual rape rate of 500,000

    • 98
      Expat Geordie says:

      When he was charged with murder when everyone was reporting it as an accidental killing I thought that it might be a “technical” charge, in the same way that he South Africans used to charge their hangmen with murder after an execution, and then drop the charge.

      I’m not a fan of the death penalty, but when the saffers were hanging 200 people a year back in the 80′s for murder and rápé I doubt that they had an annual murder rate of 15,000 and an annual rápé rate of 500,000.

      • 218
        Conrad says:

        Apartheid was a crime control measure as much as anything else and if anybody doubts it worked consider the fact that the murder rate alone has increased fourfold ,if not more ,since it’s abolition.

  20. 42
    fitz fitz says:

    This self promotion could become ANNOYING ….

  21. 46
    Oh No ! says:

    Traces of meateorite found in 900 Russians

  22. 48
    President Obama says:

    People should not have access to guns if they are legless.

  23. 50
    old SHEP says:

    I can see where this is all leading, and people might say it is in bad taste, we don’t want to give Mr Leveson any more ammunition do we?, (said Zebedee).

    • 131
      ?..? says:

      Maybe, if it is accompanied by a Glock, a couple of bullets, a bottle of Johnnie Walker (or in his case Old Grouse?) and a locked library……

      • 188
        fruitcake says:

        sounds like Cluedo BUT, the Leveson version should be called Clueless………I’ll get me coat

  24. 51
    EU Watch says:

    So with filthy horse showing up in school and hospital food, is it not now time to ban EU imports ?

  25. 52
    'Gypsy' Dave Cooper says:

    As Huhne has pleaded guilty, do I win a score off my mate or not?

    I bet him that Huhne was lying and would be found guilty but now the little gobshite has admitted his guilt before a trial, so not sure where I stand.

    • 57
      old SHEP says:

      The sporting life runs a very good service to resolve betting disputes.

    • 67
      Aydodge E. Scheisster QC says:

      Technically: You win. Huhne is a “man of conviction,” so to sp*eak, either way you look at it. The important part of the bet wasn’t that he would be found guilty by a jury, was it? If it was, then, of course, like any good brief, I’ll give you a totally different answer: You lose. For this very reason, I will be launching a new website soon– OTOH-OTOH.com

      • 103
        'Gypsy' Dave Cooper says:

        Nice wheels but here’s the rub…I bet him 20 quid that Huhne was/is a lying tosser and would be found guilty. Unforfunately that doesn’t count according to Paul and I owe him as Huhne bottled it and put his hands up.

        To be honest I’m not really arsed as twenty quid buys fuck all these days, it’s the principle.

  26. 54
    Universal Hiss says:

    This

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2013/feb/15/guido-fawkes-paul-staines-interview

    is really funny. The CIFers are having a collective meltdown.

    Well done Guido!

    • 173
      Pawn Sandwich says:

      LOL, lots of bile and vitriol from the leftie lickspittles.

    • 214
      JH392842934123 says:

      Christ. What a bunch of joyless twats. Comments on here are vicious, but they usually have a joie de vivre about them.

      But remember, it’s the evil Tories who are the same old nasty party. Not the authoritarian left – oh no – they are all pure of heart and intent.

      Lots of little examples on there of individuals who would be more than happy to get the job turning on the taps to the gas chambers once the left really gets in to its stride. As long as it’s for a good cause, like National Socialism.

  27. 55
    • 79
      cityferret says:

      this issue has a long way to run yet

    • 168
      CarryHole is a silly Hunt says:

      Tobin tax will do NOTHING except make traded prices more volatile.

      Only lowering the amount of credit can stop excessive speculation. Marxist governments cannot lower credit without revealing the harm their transfer taxes have done to the economy via destruction of comparative advantage.

  28. 56
    Universal Hiss says:

    What?

  29. 58
    Owin Jones says:

    Great to see Guido Fawkes going to Eastleigh this weekend to labour doorstep for Mr John O’Farrell Why not join him?

    • 65
      rebekah aka nellnewman says:

      Suspect the odds of mr john o’farrell winning Eastleigh are not dissimilar to the odds for militwit getting into No10 in 2015 with bullyballs as his chancellor – especially after his latest ‘big’ policy speech saying he would use a £2billion mansion tax to fund a £7billion 10p tax thingy.

      bullyballs understands that lack of mathematical understanding better than most – he was, after all, THE Secretary of State for Education that presided over the decline of the teaching of the Three R’s!!!

      • 78
        Tachybaptus says:

        It doesn’t matter what Ed says, does, sounds like or looks like. Millions of votes will come in automatically from the brain-dead faithful, many of whom are physically dead too but have postal votes. With those and the gerrymandered constituencies, Ed has nothing to fear …

        … until he is prime minister, of course, when all hell will break loose.

        • 82
          constituency trainbound says:

          the great unwashed factor

        • 84
          rebekah aka nellnewman says:

          Well of course that’s what labour hopes.

          brown created the welfare benefit class and colluded with bliar to bring in large amounts of benefit dependent ,workshy, immigrants in the belief that this would keep labour in power forever.

          Personally i think his theory is flawed . But only time will tell.

          • Hmmm says:

            That interview with ofarrell on news night was appalling. What a shallow twat, with his lame joke ready meal. God, even the girlfriend here, who has little interest looked up, and said who’s that wanker

        • 91
          E. (whatta) Ballsup says:

          Then he will mysteriously disappear in the Tower of London after 3 days in office and my ladyboy will become PM.

  30. 60
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    GOLD 1,605.30 -30.20 -1.85%

    Has Mr Fawkes disposed of his gold bullion holding?

  31. 61
    News Flash says:

    Kelloggs deny rumor of tiger DNA being found in Frosties.

    • 133
      Ancient seafarer says:

      Have you also checked out your petrol tank?

    • 216
      it is base minus base plus 2. says:

      all knowledge is in the base.
      all strokes when the bodi is being oiled works best when its direction is heart,

      base is read.
      the heart loves to be free. soaring high on the eagle.
      we all serve the heart of the not so free.

  32. 62
    The Wick In The Engine's Gone Out says:

    What a superb picture above this thread.

    I just wonder,is the very lovely Lorna Dunkley giving that smiling co-conspiritor some hand relief?

  33. 68
    Brown out and pay me damages. He can scrounging, thick as shit,meddling, timewasting, useless, socialist fudds with him. says:

    I prefer Opera.

  34. 80
  35. 83
    Economist says:

    Very funny, but accurate, mock interview: Bernanke on Oprah

    • 123
      tabblenabble 01 says:

      Ben the Bernanke is J e w i s h

      Greenspan…

      Geithner is a chosen one.

      And now US Treasury Secretary elect is one Jack Lew who also happens to be J e w i s h.

      http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/economics/9868428/Spending-cuts-could-derail-US-recovery-warns-Treasury-secretary-nominee-Jack-Lew.html

      The J e w s are a minority ethnic population in the US. they represent only around 2% of the US population. What are the odds on all of these people ib the US establishment being J e w s?

      Or for the more scientifically minded out there. How does one group figure at rates which directly rejects the statistical Null Hypothesis?

      Could it be that they are just smarter than everyone else…which if yes, it begs the question…has racial equality legislation really been about protecting just one privileged group. Just think of all the libertarianism, political correctness and just sheer strange politics that have been brought upon us over extent decades.

      • 124
        Libertarian says:

        Liberalism, not libertarianism.

      • 128
        David Ward says:

        Oh, how I agree with you, mein Fuhrer..I hope you have a solution to this…problem?

      • 192
        Sir William Wade says:

        Then there’s that Gideon ben Osbornowitz at Number 11, and Moshe Kingstein at the Bank. Apparently they attend the same syn-a-gogo. They say the new man, Carnowski, is in league with them too. As for that Lagrandovitsch woman….

  36. 90
    Herman van Rumboy says:

    We give ze orders !!

  37. 93
    The EUSSR says:

    JUST OBEY INSTRUCTIONS….

    • 143
      An EUSSR Apparatchik - perhaps Kinnockio says:

      Vee hav vays of making you obey boyo!

    • 161
      Zombie banker says:

      We do all our transactions in Cyprus

      No taxes at all there…

    • 169
      An economist says:

      UK Stamp Duty on shares = 0.5%

      EU share transfer tax = 0.3%

      Are you window lickers completely ignorant?

      • 196
        Sir William Wade says:

        Most share transfers take place electronically and are free of Stamp Duty (having paid a one-off entry tariff). The Tobin tax would apply to these and all manner of other financial transactions.

        It would be easily avoided by using an exchange outside the EU, so that is what people would do.

        • 203
          CarryHole is a silly Hunt says:

          Basically the EUUSR states will only be able to rip off those corralled into pension schemes.

  38. 106
    Owin Jones says:

    Guido,I think I’ve fallen in hate with you.

  39. 108
    Mongs to the left of me, UKIP to the right. Discuss. says:

    In my day the term was hypocrisy not bigotry. Are the left just retarded or do progressives now think they should re-write the dictionary ?

  40. 117
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Is it not for you to go to bed dear

  41. 129
    Worth watching says:

    American, but shows how the EU has duped the UK:

  42. 139
    Let's Do The Timewarp Again says:

    http://bit.ly/10s9GAy

    • 183
      Anonymous says:

      meanwhile on bbc parliament they are showing their 1983 election night/next day coverage in all its glory*. and frankly it is the best thing on television today which speaks volumes no doubt about me and television itself.

      * well who would know if they’ve cut bits out or not

  43. 141
    the savant 10.4 highway patrol says:

    The tonsorial shortcomings of Harry Cole and Kim Jong Eun ?

    Are perchance related ??

  44. 142
    The Treacherous Tosser in No 10 says:

    I’ve been up to my waist in mud – no prob!

    But I’m up to my neck in shit with the jolly Partee members.

    What?

    • 158
      Dave the Rave is naked says:

      Stop taking my name in vain

      We are having a Bullingdon Club meeting at Chequers this weekend

      Planning our collective move to Gstaad when the roof falls in to join Natty and Cleggy senior

      Remember that we are all in this together…

  45. 147
    ancient Shep \nee old Shep says:

    Oh, I get the joke.

    • 194
      fruitcake says:

      Yes, given the state of UK politics, Guido could keep this going for weeks and no-one would notice. Maybe even Private Eye could catch up.

  46. 153
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    The header of a recycled story from February isn’t much of an April Fools’ Day joke, really– if it’s got Neo’s face in it, it would be more like a Hallowe’en prank, wouldn’t you say?

    • 156
      Editor of GQ glossy rag says:

      We did give him a haircut though

      He now looks less like his wife’s mop…

  47. 172
    A doctor says:

    H o m o s e x u a l i t y is an unnatural practice

    To inflict it on children is perversion

    And any aggressive and arrogant gays who attack and insult me for these perfectly reasonable opinions prove that they have no respect for my basic right to speak my mind

    And their total hypocrisy…

    • 201
      CarryHole is a silly Hunt says:

      http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/on-the-road/2013/03/dolphin-superpod-sea-orgy

      dolphins are one of the most promiscuous animals on the planet. They don’t mate just for reproduction. They enjoy sex. It’s a social binder for them, like a handshake. On a good day a dolphin can have sex 50 times. Dolphins do it with everyone . . . old, young, big, small, even family members. Homosexual behavior is common, as is masturbation; dolphins have even been known to make advances at human beings.

  48. 175
    Jimmy's Rightie Quote Of The Day says:

    “@grantshapps has told me that his home has 4 bedrooms with one being used as a study, ergo his children do not have to share room,” he [vincent mcaviney, sky news] tweeted. Shapps is understood to have answered that the difference was the taxpayer wasn’t funding his living arrangements.”

  49. 177
    Owen Jones says:

    Petition: IDS to prove he can live on £53/wk leapt to nearly 17,000 signatures today! http://chn.ge/10rVQ0O

    • 180
      Pawn Sandwich says:

      Cut out the fags and booze and you could even open a savings acct. £53 is too much.

      • 208
        Jimmy says:

        Well he has a head start as Mrs. IDS’s daddy doesn’t charge him rent on his country pile, but as the council tax on it is about sixty quid a week then all I can say is if his budgeting skills are as good as his boasts perhaps Butch should switch him with Gideon?

        • 211
          Pawn Sandwich says:

          That shows your stupidity Jimmy. If you are on benefits you do not pay council tax.

          • Jimmy says:

            Boy is my face red. Two small points

            i) No one said anything about IDS being on benefits. The boast was living on 53 quid a week
            ii) Leaving that to one side, the old rule about the unemployed not paying council tax, guess what’s happening to that today?

            It’s probably not a good idea to get all your news from here. You may miss one or two things.

    • 184
      Gooey Blob says:

      Socialists don’t believe it’s possible to live on 53 quid because they have no idea how to spend money carefully. As far as they are concerned, throwing other people’s money at everything will solve all our problems.

      • 187
        Pawn Sandwich says:

        The pound was devalued by 25% during the leadership of the Maximum Imbecile – had that not happened the £53 would be worth £66.25 today.

    • 191
      Benny Fitz-Clements says:

      That excludes Ocean Finance, Individual Voluntary Agreements, b@nkrvptcy, short spells in goal, cash-in-hand, ‘ducking ‘n’ diving’ and shoplifting, doesn’t it ?

    • 199
      CarryHole is a silly Hunt says:

      Can socialists stop living on other peoples backs?

      That’s the real question…

  50. 179
  51. 182
    Rumpledforeskin says:

    these climate change scientists are taking the piss
    “Sea ice around Antarctica is increasing despite the warming global climate,” said the study’s lead author Richard Bintanja, from the KNMI.

    “This is caused by melting of the ice sheets from below,” he told the Reuters news agency.

  52. 195
    Fuck it says:

    The Tories need to scrap the BBC. They could call it the “£20 tax cut” which is roughly what you’d have to earn to pay the BBC TV tax.

    • 200
      The BBC are cunts says:

      It’s a ‘Licence Fee’. NOT a BBC TV Tax. FFS !

      Stop using Doublespeak.

      • 206
        Edith Milliband says:

        Nope, it’s a tax. Especially when the BBC fucks at TVLA tell me I have an account with them…no I fucking don’t, they just have a database of all the addresses so they can presume that you owe them money.

      • 209
        Chlöe Sal Gerbeeba says:

        Scrap the Propaganda Tax.

        
        

        Poetic license, poetic justice.

    • 210
      Joss Ayinglike says:
    • 212
      Koba says:

      The Tories simply cannot scrap another political party, that’s down to its complsory membership. Shame the Labour party hasn’t got any of it’s own policies though.

  53. 204
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Good cost saving for Sunderland AFC n David Miliband resigning. I am not aware of Di Canio being involved in rendition and torture, however David Miliband is believed to have been.

  54. 207
    Rumpledforeskin says:

    President Obama is driving through Ireland looking for his ancestors.
    Spotting a local sat on a wall he says
    “Oy, Paddy, can you tell me the way to Kilinney ?”
    “How would you be knowing that my name is Paddy ?”
    “Well I guessed isn’t it”
    “Well you can fucking well guess your way to Killiney”

  55. 217

    This page is about as up to date as Dodi Fayed’s cock.


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Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”



orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?


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