March 26th, 2013

Fifty Shades of Bozier


What would you do if your sexual habits had landed you under a police investigation and seen your professional career crumble? Write a sex novel obviously.

Well you would if you were Luke Bozier, who previously wrote online fiction about his nine inch penis. The first chapter of his racy novel the Adventures of Damian Gold is now online and though most of it is hardly suitable for a family blog, Guido thought he would share one amorous encounter from the scene set in a Starbucks toilets:

“Knock. Knock. Knock … Knock. ‘Come in, quickly.’ ‘How … romantic.’ At this I push Natasha against the wall, into the corner of the bathroom. Her back is to the wall, my hand is gripping her chin and jaw. ‘How about you shut up for five minutes?’ ‘Ok, I…’ ‘Shut. Up.’ Despite her annoying nature, there is something animal about having sex with this powerful woman. My body responds to her. I hate her but I want her. Still gripping her face, my teeth clench her bottom lip. My right hand is finding its way up her inner thigh, my forefinger tip-toeing past her garter belt, La Perla no doubt.”

Just who could this mysterious powerful lady with the “quaffed” hair and stylist clothes be? Or should that be coiffed?


  1. 1
    Yeah fucking right says:

    ‘Family blog’ Hah!

  2. 2
    Executive Summary says:

    Looks like a penis only smaller

  3. 3
    Mustafa Kamel says:

    He sounds like he shares our view of women! They are inferior to us superior men! Allahu shatbar!

  4. 4
    Cosa Nostra says:

    There are many types of family – Kapeesh?

  5. 5
    Fat lazy MP says:

    I’m having a Barclays.

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

  7. 7

    I’d imagine Luke Bozier wishes he could bum Luke Bozier. He’ll need more than 9 inches… I, ahem, would think.

  8. 8
    Lard Pressclott of Beams, Bellies, Banjos, Bulimia, two bog seats, two Jags & Shags. says:

    My autobiography will be entitled ’50 Stones of Lardier’.

  9. 9
    I like a man in a skirt, especially when it's a Harriet cast off says:

    Is it Jack Dromey?

  10. 10
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    I wonder if Paxman, the font of all knowledge, tell us what the price of gas should be to the consumer. I am sure we would all be most grateful to hear from this financial expert, who has spent his career paid for by the license fee payer.

  11. 11
    SpAd says:

    Jesus, that’s painful – the “quaffed” typo is the only entertaining bit.

    It appears to be aimed at people who found “50 Shades Of Grey” a little too intellectual.

  12. 12
    Jeremy 'TaxPlan' Paxman says:

    You’re a nasty piece of work, aren’t you ?

  13. 13
    Wise up says:

    Garter belt? Is it supposed to be 1940?

  14. 14
    Anonymous says:

    Or Cameron who said he is going to cut the price consumers pay and hasn’t done any thing as usual.

  15. 15
    Eric Joyce says:

    Oh, you’re drunk, you’re drunk
    You silly old fool,
    Still you cannot see.

  16. 16
    Anonymous says:

  17. 17
    2" and uncunt says:


  18. 18
    Politics summed up says:

    Socialists – idiots.

    Right wingers – racist idiots.

  19. 19
    Tosspot says:

    Just imagine a Laborious Female Politician and the illusion goes right out of the window.

  20. 20
    Sigh puss says:

    I would too but my deposit is empty

  21. 21
    Gonk III says:

    How romantic indeed, in a fly-blown bog.

  22. 22
    cynicalbeast says:

    I ran my hands through Lukes hair, licked his neck as I spun him around and penetrated his tight round arse
    He groaned and asked me to go deeper and faster as he moaned ( about the price of his gas bill and lack of a real job)

    This writing lark is easy

  23. 23
    EdBallbag says:

    Too fast and too hard

    You are Gideon Osborne and I claim my 1 trillion pounds

  24. 24
    Cwispy pants Bwyant says:

    OK, you’ve got the job.

  25. 25
    Casual Observer says:

    That would be a small latte, not a tall one, as the photo proved.

  26. 26
    Jimmy Savile says:

    Powerful women? I heard he liked impressionable 15 year olds.

  27. 27
    Tax Exile says:

    Is it Anne Widecombe?

  28. 28
    Luke Bozier says:

    An excerpt from my next book, Don’t Stand So Close To Me:

    When their eyes met, it was electric. He knew in a rush of adrenalin like nothing he’d ever experienced that he had to have her. He’d have to throw her down on his bed and ravish her and savagely rip her clothes off make love to her all night and make her his slave.

    He took a deep breath before speaking.

    “Yes Tracy, What’s the answer?”

    The girl put her hand down, her eyes not leaving his.

    “Was it the Duke of Wellington, sir?

  29. 29
    Brown out and pay me damages says:

    How old is Natasha? Twelve?

  30. 30
    Nogbad the Bad says:

    OT, but Ed Balls is an arsehole.

  31. 31
    CCHQ Press Officer says:

    Chancellor appoints Dame Clara Furse, Donald Kohn,Owen Jones and Guido Fawkes as external members of the Financial Policy Committee.

  32. 32
    Lady Chifundo Wade says:

    There isn’t such a thing as a perfectly-fitting Louboutin. They are torture to wear. I think the man who designs them hates women and wants to punish us for our vanity.

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    Well there is the truth that it is far far easier to make money by writing erotica than pretty much anything else. There is a big market for it especially in the US.

    I know this for our governments policies have forced me into this area. So if anyone ever moans at me for it being wrong or distasteful I will be citing our current government and market forces.

    Can only wonder at how many good looking ladies have been pushed into the oldest trade due to the effects of government policies. Mind you punters wont have the money so it might become a less attractive proposition!!!

  34. 34
    The boy plunger says:

    That Osbourne is absolutely useless and I fear he is going to blow away even more taxpayer money.

    That Cypriot Bank registered here is covered by FSA rules . I could have worked that out myself.

    The Laiki Bank though is not . That is governed by Cyprus . So why I ask is Osborne sticking his oar in ?

    And what exactly is that Scholar character actually doing ? Who is paying for him? Who asked him to get involved ? What is his remit and who gave it to him ?

    As for Andrew Tyrie, he is pants.

    The Cypriots say they are opening a criminal investigation . I hope they have up to date extradition with the UK .

  35. 35
    Damian Gold (Uncut) says:


  36. 36
    davo says:

    Where can I get those raspberry flavoured cigarettes that can be seen in the NHS adverts splattered all over this website? They look yummy. Although not as yummy as that bloke who has a beefburger sticking out of his throat.

  37. 37
    Anonymong says:

    In a well-known wiki there is a picture of a sad bastard projecting his own inadequacies through “clit-lit”.

    That picture is of Luke Bozier.

  38. 38
    Anonymong says:

    Arseholes have a use. Edwin “Rommel” Balls on the other hand…

  39. 39
    goggzilla says:

    Luke is a top chap and had to work with Louise Mensch – isn’t it odd that she named Ched Evans “victim” yet was not arrested? I say Tarquin are there 2 laws here – one for rich one for poor?

  40. 40
    A Good Reed says:

    The adventures of Damian Gold.
    Terrible title for a “sex novel”.
    Sounds like the summer holiday of a boy and his dog.
    I’m only reading this book if it’s got pictures.

  41. 41
    Anon says:

    “Sex in the Shitty.”
    Does that title turn you on?

  42. 42
    Torygraph says:

    Rather than guess, it would be better to check expenses claims of MPs who have claimed for Coffee at Starbucks.

  43. 43
    Or should that be Coffied? says:

    When they had sex the caffeine made her hyperactive. She had been well and truly coffied.

  44. 44
    Disgusted of Neasden says:

    “Oh no!”, he moaned, as the warm sticky stuff landed on his keyboard, while he continued typing with one hand.

  45. 45
    Luke Warm says:

    Did you not see the picture at the head of this thread?
    It asked people to “talk on topic”.

  46. 46
    the savant 10.4 highway patrol says:

    Only if she was wolfing down Shepherd s Pie whilst cumming .

  47. 47
    Jimmy says:

    Makes Jeffrey Archer look like Tolstoy. Is there no start to this boy’s talents?

  48. 48
    Luke Warm says:

    You can buy a new La Perla gater-belt on line today, for only £151.

  49. 49
    Mummy Porn says:

    Can you get porridge @ Starbucks?

  50. 50
    Gordon Brown Esq says:

    Once upon a time there was a sexy Scottish Prime Minister who fingered his own arse, OCK-EYE-the-noo, oooh Matron I’ve just cum in my nappy. Where’s my brown crayon.

  51. 51
    Justin Poofy Boots says:

    What an arse!

  52. 52
    Mikey Smith says:

    What an utterly broken individual.

  53. 53
    SpAzz says:

    OMG, Neo taking the mickey out of someone for a spelling error.
    What part of the expression involving stones and glass houses is he not getting?

  54. 54
    La Fold says:

    The absolute idocy of that statement is truly impressive.

    You should read more.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    It is pretty much unreadable.

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