March 6th, 2013

The Ides of May

Ed Miliband just cursed May ever becoming the leader of the Conservative Party by saying he was “looking forward to facing her” when the Tories “are in opposition.” It was an unusually well delivered scripted joke from Ed and one that Hammond handled slightly better…


Via @liarpoliticians


  1. 1
    Some Doors Close before They Even Open says:

    May will never be leader of a party she branded as ‘nasty’.

    • 8
      Jimmy says:

      A bit harsh. Have you never mispronounced anything?

    • 11
      @Jezza 'Gargoyle' Clarkson says:

      Fuck me, what an ugly c’unt!

    • 12
      AC1 says:

      Phwoar! That’s a yenta MILF i’d luv to fuck!

      • 37
        A psychiatrist says:

        You are fucking sick and you owe 10 guineas.

      • 64
        amongymous says:

        Would be a ten-pinter for sure. Why do the yanks get the hot milfs? Sarah Palin or Theresa May for the night? Not much of a choice. Maybe the other Teresa May should get into politics.

      • 118
        CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

        Hello Tat,
        Get well soon,
        All @

      • 152
        the savant10.4 highway patrol says:

        Are you referring to May … or Hammond . Between the two , difficult to tell who is the female of the species

        • 182
          yvemaria says:

          I think you would find it’s the House of Commons Lighting…it is still GAS.

    • 21
      Gideon says:

      Wrong. We are the pasty party.

    • 58
      Liar.Politicians says:

      • 62
        fruitcake says:

        “It was an unusually well delivered scripted joke from Ed ”

        Not one of john O farrells then, who the christ is that bint in red who looks like she’s been standing in as one of the Klitschko’s punchbags?

        • 158
          Red Ed Millibandwagon. says:

          It was not a joke I actually believe I will be the saviour PM of the UK.
          Just because I have an ego bigger than a galaxy. and a brain smaller than a pea, does not mean I cannot do this.
          As to my jokes I will be travelling to Italy to meet with my new mentor next week, and learn how to be both quick witted and funny.

      • 88
        Anonymous says:

        Oh i get you now, you are all talking about the woman in the red jackey sitting next to Ed, i didnt think it could be Theresa May as she is quite attractive.

        • 105
          Specsavers says:

          Book an appointment NOW!!

        • 110
          AntiLeftoid says:

          Angela Eagle bores the living shite out of me whenever she is wittering on about bollocks all, she has the droning monotony of a washing machine on a long cycle and is about as dynamic as a piece of mud without it’s inherent IQ.
          Milibland the champagne pseudo socialist has the integrity of a kasbah carpet salesman with dodgy stock.

        • 122
          CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

          She looks wrong. No other word for it.

        • 181
          Dr Vacuum says:

          Mother of Christ!

      • 154
        the savant10.4 highway patrol says:

        Who is that woman ( ?) to the left of Millie Band who has the features of a wolverine and the hair remnants of the Fabricant wig ??

    • 165
      Mr May says:

      She pasty party you fuckwit.

  2. 2
    Clarkson says:

    The best politicians… the world

  3. 3
    If I were the only boy in the world says:

    Theresa May…………………………………. Noooooooooooooooo

  4. 4
    Theresa May says:

    I brought in the Equality Act 2010. I allow immigration into Britain to continue at 500,000 per year, bringing ethnic cleansing of the English within a few decades. I call the Tories the “nasty party”. I am really a Guardian reading liberal.

    • 19
      BBC says:

      Yes, but it suits us to continually paint you as right-wing so as to suggest the centre ground is where the BBC/Stalin/Guardian is. And anyway, 5000,000 isn’t enough, why aren’t you pushing for 1 million per year? Does that prove the Tories are still too nasty? Have they changed enough?

      And next up, our special documentary on the forbidden conversations of two obscure UKIP supporters that we secretly recorded.

      • 81
        Hugh Grant says:

        Isn’t that hacking?

      • 89
        Uncle Joe says:

        Don’t lump me with that cosmopolitan bunch of degenerates, trust me I’d reduce your ‘liberal’ middle class to a whimpering mass of self confessing scum that they are. As for the rest of your society a dose of real ‘socialist discipline’ would soon sort your problems.

    • 66
      retardEd Miliband says:

      Mithter Sthpeaker, Mithter Sthpeaker

      Thith ith outwageouth – we need more immigranth to make uth more diverthe.

      • 86
        Anonymous says:

        a problem with your r’s mister Milliband?

      • 155
        the savant10.4 highway patrol says:

        I don’t know why Milliebore needs more immigrants . He’ s already screwed Cameroonian right up the Bovril Boulevarde when ( with the egregious connivance of Clegg Nog ) he voted to retain current MP boundaries thus preventing a Conservative majority ever occurring till the end of time .

    • 166
      BoJo says:

      Surely you mean enrichment, can you please instruct the police to keep away from enriched areas so that they can enriched each other to the maximum.

  5. 5
    Aaron D Highside says:

    Pity the Tories don’t employ a decent script writer.

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

    Great quote from TV ‘funnyman’ David Walliams the other day: “I’ve always believed the Labour Party was a vote for kindness and fairness, whereas a vote for the Conservatives is just a vote for yourself.” – This is your best joke yet David.

    • 14
      Stating the obvious says:

      We know you believe that David, doesnt make it true though does it !

      • 90
        Anonymous says:

        I dont think kindness and fairness is a phrase i would attach to Labour ! Everytime they open their mouths there is some nasty comment or another spewing out !

        • 141
          If only..... says:

          If I earned his money from working I too could afford to be a socialist

    • 15
      BBC says:

      That one line guaranteed him another 10 years on the BBC gravy train. Welcome aboard David, would you like to create a new comedy/documentary series, lavishly funded of course, about something political?

      • 28
        Harrowdon Hill says:

        It was so kind and fair of the Labour Party to ignore the million plus British voters that marched against the Iraq War.I seem to remember them deploying tanks onto British streets in a futile bid to scare us all shitless.
        It was even kinder and fairer of the Labour party to illegally invade that country and cause the deaths of thousands Iraqui citizens,killing and maiming our own servicemen.

        • 48
          BBC says:

          Yes but have the Conservatives changed enough? We all know Labour killed a million Muslims but the real problem is – are the Conservatives diverse enough? Have they done enough to shake off their image as the nasty party? These will be major themes in all our political programming.

    • 125
      CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

      Wonder how he got a job on the BBC? Now you know.

    • 126
      CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

      Kindness = Punishing people for working
      Fairness = Rewarding people for being useless.

      What colour is the sky in Labour’s LaLaLand?

  7. 7
    Peter says:

    She looks rather pretty when she’s cross.

  8. 9
    Dave Spart MP says:

    Has anyone tabled an early day motion to sign praising that big fraud Chavez?

    • 34
      Maurice Minor says:

      Had mine about 0830, nothing like a bit of quantative easing in the morning

    • 44
      you need to do much better than call me a little Englander says:

      yep, they have, the usual idiot suspects are lining up, take your pick.
      Nothing chavvy about him at all, he lived in a palace after all. Pretended to hate America, and our luvvies here fell for him being a man of the people

      • 51
        Guardian editor says:

        We call everyone who is less left-wing than us and Stalin a “Little -Englander” – it’s the worst thing we can say to someone – you should be very scared.

        • 101
          Tuscan Toynbee says:

          I always like to accuse anyone who disagrees with my views of being a Daily Mail reader.
          It never fails to amuse us at the Guardian because we know we are of a superior intellect and make hilarious jokes.

          • CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

            The grauniad is the daily mail of the left, except with much fewer readers, and less arrogance.

          • Acute Joblessness says:

            I read the Guardian and the Daily mail, I’m a doublethink.

  9. 13
    Moussa Koussa Mark 7 says:

    Mongo May Tory leader, and next PM

    April 1st isnt for another 3 weeks.

  10. 16
    Brodie Clark says:

    A truly tip top Minister!

  11. 17
    Stating the obvious says:

    One term Daves answer to the question of sacking that bullshitter Nicholson was disgraceful. He’s apologised has he, fuck me another reason Dave has to go.

    • 35
      Anonymous says:

      If Cameron sacks Nicholson, he’ll claim unfair dismissal like Sharon Shoesmith and end up trousering a fortune.
      If Nicholson had a decent bone in his body, he’d resign.
      But he won’t.

      • 40
        Stating the obvious says:

        He can claim whatever the fuck he likes but 1200 dead is pretty good grounds I would say.

      • 42
        Top public servants are an utter shower says:

        The clue to what Nicholson is going to do is in your phrase “if he had a decent bone……”. He could probably get hold of somebody else’s decent bone though but.

        • 78
          Bonkers industrial tribunal ruling no.1979 says:

          Thousands of dead or even one dead abused child is no grounds for sacking.

      • 95
        Uncle Joe says:

        Just shoot him

  12. 18
    Brodie Clark says:

    If that woman ever becomes Prime Minister I am fucking off and i do not give a toss about P45s and redundancy payments.

  13. 20
    Alky Campbell says:

    I am getting tired again

    Chilcot are going to trash me

  14. 23
    The Romanians are coming says:

    Syria is a problem for the Syrian people to resolve .

    Keep out of it Cameron.

    • 25
      Hoots mon says:

      So is Jockland

      • 31
        Rob Roy says:

        We do not need lectures from an old Etonain rich boy telling us if we dare to come out of the Union we will regret it.

        • 74

          How about:
          The Earl of Dalhousie – Eton and Oxford
          The Earl of Selkirk – Eton and Oxford
          The Duke of Buccleuch – Eton and Oxford
          The Earl of Elgin – Eton and Oxford
          Lord Home – Eton and Oxford
          The Earl of Wemyss and March – Eton and Oxford
          The Earl of Airlie – Eton
          Sir lain Tennant – Eton and Cambridge

          Can any of these old Etonian rich boys give you a lecture, as they ARE all bona fide claymore-and-kilt men?

          • Anonymous says:

            inherited titles are an attribute of inbreeding.

          • Anonymous says:

            Would you rather we had a cabinet of ex dustbin men ! FFS grow up, we are talking about the Government, not some social experiment giving a quota to the great unwashed.

          • Theresa May says:

            you are a posh arrogant rich kid and I claim my 6 finger fist of fury, you inbred

        • 131
          CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

          Mr Darian/Rob Roy,
          History should tell you “that if we dare to come out of the Union we will regret it”.
          The English will however not regret you going.

  15. 24
    Same features, same party, same bench says:

    Are they brother and Sister?

  16. 26
    The Boy Plunger says:

    Good guy, bad guy.

    Good cop, bad cop.

    Good Bank, bad Bank.

    The oldest tricks do not always work .

  17. 29
    A labour immigration woman goes off Ed Message says:

    Some daft Labour woman on the Brillo show just stitched her boss Ed up. He’s wrong about Labour’s immigration policies being wrong and wrong to apologise for them being wrong.

    • 36
      The Romanians are coming says:

      Whatever it is I am very very sorry .

    • 41
      genghiz the kahn says:

      Stella Creasy tied herself up so comprehensively that I was worried that she might be into bondage.

      • 50
        Hannibal from Carthage says:

        She tells everyone Labour has a policy different from the Government about lending but then cannot let us have details of the maximum lending rate Labour advocate for Hire Purchase agreements .

        Sad but true .

        • 79
          Faking Sincerity is a skill in itself says:

          She’s a Fabian. Her solution involves giving more powers to some rebranded failed organisation. All talk.

          She actually likes poor people being poor so they will vote for her while she rings he hands in agony at their difficult lives.

        • 145
          The Banks are the real bastards says:

          A question for Creasy, you have a week to go before you get paid and your skint do you 1 get a a short term pay day loan or 2 go into unauthorised overdraft for the rest of the week, now which one will mean you paying more in fees and interest,?

    • 137
      Fishy says:

      Mary Creagh it was. Another Labour gob on a stick.

      She’s ok giving it out but completely floundered when pressed to answer whether Labour let too many people in. Brillo asked her 5 times… not once did she answer.

      Another meaningless Labour apology

  18. 30
    Lessons of Iraq and Afghanistan NOT learnt says:

    Hague has just announced to Parliament that despite US declining to supply same that the UK WILL supply armoured vehicles and body armour to Syrian Opposition so there you have it the Tories are prepared to supply such to Syrian Rebels but not to the British Army. Total and utter madness. It will ALL end in tears. No doubt despite Cameron’s assurances ground forces( those we actually have)will be on the ground next

    • 46
      Jeremy Clarkson says:

      Right on. It’s only the crap stuff that Gordon had to take away from our troops and put into storage for a rainy day.

      But what a great Top gear challenge to drive a dodgy armoured car to Syria and test the body armour out in Greece on the way.

    • 57
      Halal is best - you know it makes sense says:

      British body armour and British armoured vehicles. They are fucked. I didn’t know we ahted them that much.

      • 71
        Look Up The Story About Namibian Tractors says:

        ”British armoured vehicles”

        That will be left on the side of the road rusting in two days after the petrol runs out.

        • 135
          Glyn H says:

          Doubtful: Mr Tony arranged for them to be built in Austria by MAN instead of LDV in Birmingham in exchange for non existent redrawing of the Criminal Agricultural Policy. Nice Man. As someone above said Labour are the kind and caring party. Personally I think they are shite, and nasty with it.

    • 63
      Golders Green Nonces says:

      Stupid goy not understand ‘British’ Govt work for psychopath Chosen Ones.

      • 129

        Is that you again, Blowing Whistles? You really do have a thing for the Dead Sea pedestrians, don’t you? Were you refused purchase of a Homburg hat at a hatters in Stamford Hill?

        • 136
          CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

          It’s even more stupid than normal.

          Syria’s Bashir is far less of a problem than AlQ’s Syria if Bashir loses.

          • Blowing Whistles says:

            To CHiaeH & Pliny – Fact is I DID NOT MAKE THE COMMENT. However both of your “Jumping on a ‘bandwagon’” in a rush to smear …. displays adequately what utter pricks you both are for your comments.

            I am “FLATTERED” more than ever ‘Thank you’ for your brainsnot in gear comments.

          • Flaubert's Carrot says:

            I feel “she” protesteth too much, BW!

            Are you sure your street name isn’t “Blowing Strangers”, as you seem to like to flirt with the old boys.

        • 172
          Pliny the Welder says:

          Why do you consider that when we answer your rants that you are being “smeered”? Because we happen to be of the generous opinion that your hastily typed and spittle flecked replies are not in keeping with our own opinions does not constitute a smear. Unless, of course, you are starting an “H” Block appreciation society in your bedroom, but I don’t think your Mummy will be very pleased with you if you do.

    • 80
      The Public says:

      Hague is bloody useless. No experience of anything in life except posturing and talk.

    • 121
      Julian Arseache says:

      I bet they are having a good laugh over this in the White House .

    • 134
      CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

      A large portion of the Syrian opposition are Alky Aida.

    • 170
      Nick Clegg says:

      Hague a true plonker, the man who can do backflips on policy everyday of the week.
      Supplying terrorists, lets hope this action is remembered in years to come and he is brought to book, but hes a politician so it wont happen, Turd.

      • 171
        DCF says:

        Hague a true plonker, the man who can do backflips on policy everyday of the week.
        Supplying terrorists, lets hope this action is remembered in years to come and he is brought to book, but hes a politician so it wont happen.

        • 173
          Tony Bliar, Bliar, pants on fire says:

          Too true, guys! I’d be right up shit creek without a paddle if THAT started to happen!!!

  19. 32
    Hank the Cat says:

    On todays showing Ed Jnr will have to look over his shoulder to check for a stalking beefburger

    • 43
      Abdel from Tooting says:

      I still have 978 frozen beef burgers in my freezer which no one is buying in my takeaway.

      Nearly two months on and still no word from Mr Patterson about how exactly the horse meat got in them.

      • 49
        Halal is good for you - you know it makes sense says:

        What about testing them for pork too Abdel?

        • 52
          Abdel from Tooting says:

          Can I claim compensation for those too ?

          • Halal is best - you know it makes sense says:

            No. Just sell em to kids.

          • Thomas rom Tonna says:

            If you care to read the original report commissioned by the bankrupt Irish Government you will see that pro rata more 100 per cent beef burgers have been impregnated with pork fat than have been impregnated with horse meat.

            The death of Hugo Chavez is perhaps a convenient way to help bury the truth .

          • Patterson & Gummer perveyors of fine gristle says:

            They are perfectly safe to eat, stop fussing.

          • Mine gave me the trots.

          • Matilda says:

            You mean Hugo was kill\led by a porkie burgher?

  20. 59
    Jesus Of Nazareth says:


    • 61
      The Military Government of Mali says:

      Without an aircaft carrier !

      Cameron has some guts !

  21. 68
    The Military Government of Mali says:

    What does giving Muslims in Syria “non lethal eqiupment ” mean and how much is it costing?

  22. 69
    genghiz the kahn says:

    If the NHS is the “envy of the world”, why has Graeme Swann has gone to America for surgery on his elbow?

  23. 75
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Last night on the sky paper review at about 10:30 pm the subject of Nicholson CEO of the NHS and his parliamentary answers were discussed.

    I believe the male speaking was Alistair Maitland and he stated clearly enough to effect:

    “He (Nicholson) can’t be part of the SOLUTION if he is part of the original PROBLEM ….

    So CP continues to unravel – Problem, Reaction, Solution.

    Let’s be having arrests of this miltiant group (CP) of nutters.

    • 149
      Not Blowing Whistles says:

      One of the problems with the CP model is that the networks are not either an organization or group per se.

      Beyond the central NGO which provides the training courses and designates who has graduated, there is no official alumni network etc.

      This means that with current legislation there is no easy way as such to dismantle the ‘organization’, as no such ‘organization’ exists.

      Similar to the ‘old school boy’ networks which revealed themselves when it was noted there were hiring preferences for people who had been to certain Universities / public schools, the only way this problem can be rooted out is by making hiring and retention of those with Common Purpose qualifications listed on their resume socially unacceptable, and a case of discrimination against non Common Purpose graduates being unfairly disadvantaged can be made.

      As many graduates completed their training whilst in employment, some problems with that latter approach also become clear.

      Discrediting fully the organization and banning it is what is needed, combined with a purge of anyone with CP qualifications listed on their resume from key positions in some sections of the civil service, and certain other NGOs.

      That could introduce new problems though.

      • 161
        Blowing Whistles says:

        CP have recieved monies from the Charity Commission for all the wrong and unlawful purposes that they stated as being a charity. Now if however during the reign of terror labour placed a placeman or two atop the Commission – wielding authorititive power – they they see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and thuse allow evil to continue. Nice ‘TRICK innit?

        Accountability – As clear, open, democratic and transparent a mud M’lud.

      • 176
        Matilda says:

        When I joined the civil service in the 1950s it was strictly forbidden to have or have had any connection to the communist party, and there was no way you would be employed. The security services did there vetting job properly back then.

        Nowadays, it seems to be completely the opposite – you MUST have had some connection with that party in order to get a job. How else to explain eg Nicholson’s presence at the very top of the NHS?

        • 177
          Matilda says:

          oops!!! *their.

          Silly me. My English master would have done me a serious mischief about the lug ‘oles for such carelessness!

  24. 76
    Nero's Mom says:

    Is Ed mimicking UKIP this week? New Labour are always about spin and public perception rather than the reality of their policies.

    • 83
      Empty Ed Milliband, trying to find somfing to say says:

      This week I dissappeared up my own asshole

      Like the famed Ooomegoolie bird…

    • 142
      CarryHole is a enormous Hunt says:

      UKIP have policies, Ed has a blank sheet of paper, Dave has referendum policies he dumps and gay marriage and windmills he doesn’t tell you about.

      • 150
        Acute Joblessness says:

        He could tear that paper in half and put his resiganation on one piece and put his CV on the other, a shelf filling role at Poundland.

  25. 87
    damned impertinent questions says:

    Ed’s wrong. When Saint Theresa leads the Tory Party rump Nigel will be PM

  26. 91
    Fact Hunt says:

    Celebrity Deathmatch.

    Dr Harold Shipman (Deceased) v Sir David Nicholson.

    Resign you shameless bastard and take Burnham with you.

    • 97
      The Nuremberg Tribunal says:

      Burnham’s eyelashes will flutter a lot when he tells his lies on the witness stand

  27. 96
    Lost in Clacton says:

    So Sir David Nicholson is the man to lead the NHS .

    Mr Cameron has reassured me .

  28. 113
    Polly from her Villa in Umbridge says:

    Don’t get angry get bitter.

  29. 114
    Tosspot says:

    There is a Father Christmas, I will only put it halfway in, Red Ed will be PM…. yeh right.

  30. 120
    Anyone like metal? says:

  31. 123
    David Bouvier says:

    Sadly, he didn’t think to reply: “I agree – the only way Labour could possibly win is if they demote you and get a new leader. Are you sure you are up to Shadow Home Secretary?”

  32. 130
    The Two Ed's Casino says:

    Game on labourooks.

  33. 133
    Andy and Alan's Private Healthcare 4U says:

    We are here to kill you.

  34. 146

    Where’s Clarkson?

  35. 147
    Vacant Possession says:

    That’s the first succinct unambiguous and correct statement I have heard Ed come out with.

    I think voters are prepared to suffer the horrors of Labour and an IMF bailout just to make it plain to the Conservatives what is important – as they seem to have forgotten.

    That’s not a protest vote, that’s a ‘It’s broken; Let’s smash it up and start again’ vote.

  36. 153
    Ed Militwit says:

    I am going to be the nexth pwime minister.

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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