February 25th, 2013

Owen Paterson’s Horse Pun Swear Jar

Not only did Guido reveal that Owen Paterson has set up a swear jar for any Defra staffer brave enough to crack a horse pun in yesterday’s Sun column, but there could be more equine trouble ahead. Sources whisper that ‘bute’ may be the least of our worries; if the horse tranquilliser Ketamine – which doubles as a rave drug – has not been tested for, it won’t be a laughing matter. One to keep an eye on…

Meanwhile, the results of the House of Commons horsemeat tests are in:

“As a precautionary measure, on Monday 18 February the House of Commons Catering Service removed from its menus four beef items supplied by Brakes, as they carried out tests on their products containing beef.
The items were:
  • beef and onion pie
  • steak and kidney pie
  • steak kidney suet pudding
  • and beef Italian meatballs.
Tests on all four items have been completed and all have concluded negative for equine DNA.
The items are back on menus from today.”

It’s one mule for us…


111 Comments

  1. 1
    Sarah Teather MP says:

    I’m certain traces of Lord Rennard were found in my rice pudding.

  2. 2
    Sandra in Accounts says:

    Only the best in the trough for the head table pigs.

    Vote UKIP

  3. 3
    The Right Honourable George Osborne Mp says:

    I think we’ve got a very clear message, a loud and clear message that Britain cannot let up in dealing with its debts, dealing with its problems, cannot let up in making sure that Britain can pay its way in the world.

  4. 7
    Vote Libdem get Nick fucking Clegg says:

    Rennard? Isn’t that what they use to make cheese?

  5. 8
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    Can someone tell me where the swear jar is? I may need to borrow the contents for a while but don’t worry I’ll put a Bond IOU in its place.

  6. 9
    A more humane Mikado says:

    One ring to mule them all and in the darkness bind them.

  7. 15
    Shergar says:

    Each of you have a little bit of me in you.

  8. 18
    New Scotland Yard PR Department says:

    Here is our latest press release to the BBC:
    ▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄

  9. 21
    yeah, right... says:

    Brake Bros? It seems that our elected representitives are being served the same processed filfth that we feed to prisoners.

    This cannot be coincidence…..

  10. 22
    Honest capitalist says:

    Guido

    I assume you personally tested the effects of Ketamine in your misspent youth

    Will it make our MPs literally rant and rave on the floor of the House? (more than they actually do on alcohol) ?

    I think this drug should be compulsorily injected into the food of all these troughers (expecially the pies)

    At this point, there can be nothing to loose, and some laughs to be had, don’t you think?

  11. 23
    I'm raving, I'm raving says:

    I’ve taken K. I don’t see how it’s a recreational drug. You can’t move. All you can do is lie down. Slows down your perception of time though, which is fun.

  12. 24
    Pryce Watch says:

    Ketamine could part explain that mong jury. Anyone know if any horse has been labelled halal ?

  13. 26
    Operation Crossbow says:

    DEFRA have conducted multiple tests on the Conservative party and the conclusion is there is no spine of any note in any of them.

  14. 27
    Latest says:

    Vicky Pryce guilty. Ten years nick.

  15. 28
    Labourunionsbbc we are one under the EU says:

    Was it Burnham who didn’t want us to have Shergar on our Cornflakes?

    • 31
      Di Ann Fatbutt says:

      Yay it’s baaad for you, but it’s great for ma shakin’ fat booty!

    • 52
      Lord O'Sugar Sugar says:

      Are you taking my name in vain again?

      I will send shillings and pence to threaten you, watch out…

  16. 32
    Ed Ballzup (Music-Hall Comedian) says:

    Is it true that Sex Pest Lord Rennard has denied being a LidDem?

  17. 35
    Ah! Monika says:

    Nick Clegg denies cover-up over Lib Dem ‘screw-up’ of Rennard allegations.

    Have they tried SCREWFIX?

  18. 36
    Red Egg Millitit... National Socialist says:

    Neighhhhhhhh.

  19. 38
    Market Watch says:

    Sterling down just a little.

    Gold is up.

    Gilts yield up: 10y, 20y. 30Y (Price Down)
    Gilts yield down: 2y. (Price Up)
    Gilts flat: 5y

    As of 15:15 25 Feb 2012

    Markets loving !taly poll results so far.

    • 40
      Gordon Brown says:

      Buy Gold

    • 43
      Moral Collapse Blair has no shame says:

      I use pound notes to wipe my arse these days, now that my Ponzi Scheme has finally wrecked the country

      The Morgan Mob have invested ill gotten my millions elsewhere and short sterling at times like these

      But I do love scuba diving nowadays, especially with is r a e l i millionairesses…

      I contribute so much to peace that way…

    • 49
      Will says:

      The downgrading of our AAA rating is not a big issue as almost most of the western gov are in the same situation. If we were the only western country in this situation it would be a problem. If Italy does not result in a clear winner that will be more of a problem. We have more people in work than ever. Also in my area bob the builder seems to be busy judging by the number of skips I see, so the economy is moving at a lower level in London

  20. 39
    Hansard reporter says:

    Give power-crazed Blinky a good dose of Ketamine

    And his eyes will finally pop out of head

    and his balls will fall off his undercarriage

    I do believe…

  21. 41
    Labour...filth...just filth says:

    risible labour line still being punted that the loss of the Triple A is a blow to George Osborne’s credibilty … it is probably the converse in reality because the alternative under labour would have meant it was lost 2 years ago… the adjustment on the money markets is not substantive in reaction and we
    remain well placed to come out quicker once increased growth does come.

  22. 48
    So.....? says:

    Did any Defra staffer crack a horse pun in yesterday’s Sun column?

  23. 53
    Phil the Greek says:

    Who is the testicule who called one of my ships “HMS Bollock”?

    This is higher treason

    • 54
      Prince Airmiles says:

      Especially on your 200th wedding anniversary, Sir…

    • 59
      Historian of our times says:

      “HMS Bollocks?

      Great Britain’s 412-foot royal yacht, christened “The Britannia” by Queen Elizabeth II in 1953, required 230 crewmembers and 20 officers to run, and cost $18.5 million a year to operate.

      When the vessel was decommissioned in 1997, one wag remarked, “They should keep the bloody royal yacht — and decommission the family.”

      • 73
        the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

        didn’t we pay for it on the understand that if there was a war it would be used as a hospital ship ?

      • 78
        Philip Battenberg says:

        Not before giving Betty a diesel engine

  24. 61
    cityferret says:

    Osborne sends balls up … joker balls no answer as usual

    • 82
      Curly says:

      Balls was absolutely pathetic and the braying screeching loons behind him even worse. What a waste of parliamentary time and resources.

  25. 64
    The Galloping Gourmet (1969-71) says:

    I don’t think Oscar Pistorius has a leg to stand on, dear.

  26. 67
    old SHEP says:

    648 need their DNA testing.

  27. 68
    Eddie Boys Bandwagon Tour leaks dept says:

    start spinning like fuck team …todays triple A question is a complete balls up

  28. 69
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Has Guido been tested for sun stroke?

    • 81
      Does anyone with an an IQ of over 75 ever read it? says:

      Is it extra-absorbent or does it just tend to “smear?”

  29. 77
    Thinking Dancing says:

    “Tests on all four items have been completed and all have concluded negative for equine DNA”

    Would it not be better to check that the meat IS beef, rather than NOT horse?

  30. 86
    Julian the Wonderhorse says:

    They might want to think about Norodine or Domperidone, regularly given to horses and not part of the “wonder passport” the EU insisted was implemented

  31. 87
    HM Her Majesty says:

    Has anyone seen my Deputy Prime Minister?

    • 100
      H.R.H. Philip Thoedolliplops says:

      If that’s a euphemism for your “tool”, dearest , try the second draw down.

  32. 88
    albacore says:

    So what, if the hoi-polloi stinkers are fed
    Crap that drives them bonkers or makes them drop dead?
    What’s important is that Parliament’s alright
    Without them, wouldn’t we be deep in the shite?

    • 103
      old SHEP says:

      Are they really triple A pies?
      Food fit for the house of lies
      Heimlich manoeuvre may be needed
      Gob it out and get re-seated

  33. 93
    Geppe Brillo says:

    If you remember the last Tory MP for Eastleigh Stephen Milligan sadly died from botched auto-erotic asphyxiation with an orange stuffed in his gob

  34. 94
    old SHEP says:

    Dope ‘o’ mine; your constituency MP.

  35. 95
    Overruled says:
    • 99
      old SHEP says:

      Fair does, the jury is incarcerated for far longer than the sentence handed down to the convicted these days.

      • 106
        the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

        wouldn’t it be quicker to examine some old bones and a frog’s innards to determine her guilt ?

  36. 98
    Lord Rennees says:

    Nothing but the best meat pies for the gropers and gropees of Parliament.

  37. 102
  38. 104
    Richard the Lionheart says:

    Neigh lad (as we say in Yorkshire ) nowt wrong wi’a nice bit of stewed hoss in’t pudding.


Seen Elsewhere

Inside an Islamist Takeover Plot School | Newsnight
Ed Heads to Scotland | Sun
Assad’s New Chemical Weapon Attacks | National Review
Jason Groves New Mail Deputy Pol Ed | MediaGuido
Cocaine Conservatives | Standard
Jezza Browne Responds to LibDem Haters | LibDem Voice
Why Britain Needs to Leave the EU | Douglas Carswell
Who Tells Ed When He’s Wrong? | Speccie
Hands Off Our Cojones, Mr Clegg | Laura Perrins
London Live Averaging Just 2,400 Viewers | Forbes
Ed’s Constitutional Failure | ConHome


new-advert
Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)


Dan Hodges on Team Miliband:

“‘Poisonous’, was the picture painted by one former senior advisor. ‘Dysfunctional,’ said one shadow cabinet member. ‘A bunch of medieval courtiers, not an office,’ said another. The most positive description I could get was ‘It’s a work in progress. They’re learning. Slowly. But they are learning.’”



Nick Clegg says:

Do you want lies with that?


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:






RSS




AddThis Feed Button
Archive


Labels
Guido Reads