February 25th, 2013

Owen Paterson’s Horse Pun Swear Jar

Not only did Guido reveal that Owen Paterson has set up a swear jar for any Defra staffer brave enough to crack a horse pun in yesterday’s Sun column, but there could be more equine trouble ahead. Sources whisper that ‘bute’ may be the least of our worries; if the horse tranquilliser Ketamine – which doubles as a rave drug – has not been tested for, it won’t be a laughing matter. One to keep an eye on…

Meanwhile, the results of the House of Commons horsemeat tests are in:

“As a precautionary measure, on Monday 18 February the House of Commons Catering Service removed from its menus four beef items supplied by Brakes, as they carried out tests on their products containing beef.
The items were:
  • beef and onion pie
  • steak and kidney pie
  • steak kidney suet pudding
  • and beef Italian meatballs.
Tests on all four items have been completed and all have concluded negative for equine DNA.
The items are back on menus from today.”

It’s one mule for us…


111 Comments

  1. 1
    Sarah Teather MP says:

    I’m certain traces of Lord Rennard were found in my rice pudding.

  2. 2
    Sandra in Accounts says:

    Only the best in the trough for the head table pigs.

    Vote UKIP

  3. 3
    The Right Honourable George Osborne Mp says:

    I think we’ve got a very clear message, a loud and clear message that Britain cannot let up in dealing with its debts, dealing with its problems, cannot let up in making sure that Britain can pay its way in the world.

  4. 4
    Better in says:

    Porridge, surely?

  5. 5
    Caligula says:

    I feel like a horse.

  6. 6
    Chris Bryant MP says:

    I can recommend the “Death by Chocolate” with traces of Mark Oaten….. yummy!

  7. 7
    Vote Libdem get Nick fucking Clegg says:

    Rennard? Isn’t that what they use to make cheese?

  8. 8
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    Can someone tell me where the swear jar is? I may need to borrow the contents for a while but don’t worry I’ll put a Bond IOU in its place.

  9. 9
    A more humane Mikado says:

    One ring to mule them all and in the darkness bind them.

  10. 10
    Joss Taskin says:

    Wasn’t a ukip MEP caught with his fingers in the till ??

  11. 11
    Oz Clark says:

    A cheeky preposterous number. Reminiscent of half digested nuts and tomato skins.

  12. 12
    Lord Foxy says:

    Look these allegations are ruining my name but for the record I’d never grope you.

  13. 13
    Chris Bryant, poorly briefed says:

    Y you’ve got some front!

  14. 14
    Camilla says:

    I look like one.

  15. 15
    Shergar says:

    Each of you have a little bit of me in you.

  16. 16
    Plato says:

    No, it’s Lenin?

  17. 17
    Sandra in Accounts says:

    Yawn.

    Stick to the failed tri-party cabal of crooks then if you are happy.

    I think Eastleigh is going to be seismic.

    The beginning of the end of Dave.

    Vote UKIP.

  18. 18
    New Scotland Yard PR Department says:

    Here is our latest press release to the BBC:
    ▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄

  19. 19
    Gordon Brown says:

    I make my own cock cheese

  20. 20
    Mariella says:

    I sound like one, a little hoarse.

  21. 21
    yeah, right... says:

    Brake Bros? It seems that our elected representitives are being served the same processed filfth that we feed to prisoners.

    This cannot be coincidence…..

  22. 22
    Honest capitalist says:

    Guido

    I assume you personally tested the effects of Ketamine in your misspent youth

    Will it make our MPs literally rant and rave on the floor of the House? (more than they actually do on alcohol) ?

    I think this drug should be compulsorily injected into the food of all these troughers (expecially the pies)

    At this point, there can be nothing to loose, and some laughs to be had, don’t you think?

  23. 23
    I'm raving, I'm raving says:

    I’ve taken K. I don’t see how it’s a recreational drug. You can’t move. All you can do is lie down. Slows down your perception of time though, which is fun.

  24. 24
    Pryce Watch says:

    Ketamine could part explain that mong jury. Anyone know if any horse has been labelled halal ?

  25. 25
    Pippa from H.R. says:

    What have you done with dopey Sophie, you bitch?

    She still owes me a Tampax.

  26. 26
    Operation Crossbow says:

    DEFRA have conducted multiple tests on the Conservative party and the conclusion is there is no spine of any note in any of them.

  27. 27
    Latest says:

    Vicky Pryce guilty. Ten years nick.

  28. 28
    Labourunionsbbc we are one under the EU says:

    Was it Burnham who didn’t want us to have Shergar on our Cornflakes?

  29. 29
    Grzegorz Suliga says:

    And there’s a little bit of me in you darlin’

  30. 30
    Sandra in Accounts says:

    ?

    Meds failing again?

    Call CCHQ for more “I Love Camero” happy pills – before Friday.

    Eastleigh may tip you over the edge.

    Vote UKIP

  31. 31
    Di Ann Fatbutt says:

    Yay it’s baaad for you, but it’s great for ma shakin’ fat booty!

  32. 32
    Ed Ballzup (Music-Hall Comedian) says:

    Is it true that Sex Pest Lord Rennard has denied being a LidDem?

  33. 33
    The Electorate says:

    Obviously, as a member of the House of Lords you are totally trustworthy and beyond reproach. .

    Remind us, though, when did we elect you?

  34. 34
    SP4BS says:

    seismic?

    I suppose it might be like the biggest earthquake i felt in england, where one badly pointed chimney stack cracked a little.

  35. 35
    Ah! Monika says:

    Nick Clegg denies cover-up over Lib Dem ‘screw-up’ of Rennard allegations.

    Have they tried SCREWFIX?

  36. 36
    Red Egg Millitit... National Socialist says:

    Neighhhhhhhh.

  37. 37
    Nick Clegg, stand-down comedian says:

    That’s as closet you’ll ever get to finding out.

  38. 38
    Market Watch says:

    Sterling down just a little.

    Gold is up.

    Gilts yield up: 10y, 20y. 30Y (Price Down)
    Gilts yield down: 2y. (Price Up)
    Gilts flat: 5y

    As of 15:15 25 Feb 2012

    Markets loving !taly poll results so far.

  39. 39
    Hansard reporter says:

    Give power-crazed Blinky a good dose of Ketamine

    And his eyes will finally pop out of head

    and his balls will fall off his undercarriage

    I do believe…

  40. 40
    Gordon Brown says:

    Buy Gold

  41. 41
    Labour...filth...just filth says:

    risible labour line still being punted that the loss of the Triple A is a blow to George Osborne’s credibilty … it is probably the converse in reality because the alternative under labour would have meant it was lost 2 years ago… the adjustment on the money markets is not substantive in reaction and we
    remain well placed to come out quicker once increased growth does come.

  42. 42
    cityferret says:

    Moody’s take on Triple A ratings is a standing joke

  43. 43
    Moral Collapse Blair has no shame says:

    I use pound notes to wipe my arse these days, now that my Ponzi Scheme has finally wrecked the country

    The Morgan Mob have invested ill gotten my millions elsewhere and short sterling at times like these

    But I do love scuba diving nowadays, especially with is r a e l i millionairesses…

    I contribute so much to peace that way…

  44. 44
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    LOL.

    I wouldn’t vote for a party that allows the crooked Hamiltons to join it.

    Vote UKID get Milibandwagon & Balls Up.

  45. 45
    Paniagua Dos says:

    The election in Italy will have more of an effect than AAA rating.

  46. 46
    Bankers have not shame says:

    Moody’s itself is a standing joke

    At long last charged for frauding the world with giving phoney AAA rating on junk bonds

  47. 47
    Naughty Moody says:

    Not a joke for the DoJ though:

    http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/02/08/us-moodys-results-idUSBRE9170GG20130208

    S&P have been indicted already, Moodys likely will be also, unless they think this downgrade may curry flavor ?

  48. 48
    So.....? says:

    Did any Defra staffer crack a horse pun in yesterday’s Sun column?

  49. 49
    Will says:

    The downgrading of our AAA rating is not a big issue as almost most of the western gov are in the same situation. If we were the only western country in this situation it would be a problem. If Italy does not result in a clear winner that will be more of a problem. We have more people in work than ever. Also in my area bob the builder seems to be busy judging by the number of skips I see, so the economy is moving at a lower level in London

  50. 50
    Lord Cashpoint with no shame says:

    Pull yourself together Eddy

    You are our front man now, remember?

  51. 51
    Reuters always first with the news says:

    Wrong…

    A hung Parliament in Italy means they cannot undo what Monti’s government has already passed

  52. 52
    Lord O'Sugar Sugar says:

    Are you taking my name in vain again?

    I will send shillings and pence to threaten you, watch out…

  53. 53
    Phil the Greek says:

    Who is the testicule who called one of my ships “HMS Bollock”?

    This is higher treason

  54. 54
    Prince Airmiles says:

    Especially on your 200th wedding anniversary, Sir…

  55. 55
    Is Bloggers killing the English language? says:

    Fucking retards.

  56. 56
    Dirty Sanchez says:

    Hola Krees!

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    So how long for her ex?

  58. 58
    A Chinese Persom says:

    All your bases are belong to us!

  59. 59
    Historian of our times says:

    “HMS Bollocks?

    Great Britain’s 412-foot royal yacht, christened “The Britannia” by Queen Elizabeth II in 1953, required 230 crewmembers and 20 officers to run, and cost $18.5 million a year to operate.

    When the vessel was decommissioned in 1997, one wag remarked, “They should keep the bloody royal yacht — and decommission the family.”

  60. 60
    Ed Ballzup (Music-Hall Comedian) says:

  61. 61
    cityferret says:

    Osborne sends balls up … joker balls no answer as usual

  62. 62
    Fishy says:

    Sandra in Accounts doesn’t want to listen to your stories of UKIP hypocrisy, Joss. Fingers in ears, la, la, la.

  63. 63
    Eco-loon says:

    Probably down to evil shale oil frakkers

  64. 64
    The Galloping Gourmet (1969-71) says:

    I don’t think Oscar Pistorius has a leg to stand on, dear.

  65. 65
    Gay Gordon says:

    It’s nice with doritos and salsa.

  66. 66
    Fishy says:

    They haven’t worked that out yet, ATTT.

    The UKIPpers must still be recovering from their stint on Jury service at Southwark Crown Court and are still trying to work out what the judge said to them.

    I blamed the education system for their inability to understand a vote for UKIP will result in more Europe, but then again realised that all of these dopey buggers were educated in the 20s and 30s.

  67. 67
    old SHEP says:

    648 need their DNA testing.

  68. 68
    Eddie Boys Bandwagon Tour leaks dept says:

    start spinning like fuck team …todays triple A question is a complete balls up

  69. 69
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Has Guido been tested for sun stroke?

  70. 70
    Nigel Farage (thats faridge) says:

    In or on

  71. 71
    nambawan pikinini bilong misis kwin says:

    O I wish was a tampon

  72. 72
    Yvette Cooper's Balls says:

    Nothing like a dose of balls first thing in the morning

  73. 73
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    didn’t we pay for it on the understand that if there was a war it would be used as a hospital ship ?

  74. 74
    Paniagua Dos says:

    So voting Tory wont get them either?

  75. 75
    Curly says:

    My dreams are shattered! I always thought IKEA’s balls were from reindeer.

  76. 76
    Curly says:

    Spoken like a true philanthropist

  77. 77
    Thinking Dancing says:

    “Tests on all four items have been completed and all have concluded negative for equine DNA”

    Would it not be better to check that the meat IS beef, rather than NOT horse?

  78. 78
    Philip Battenberg says:

    Not before giving Betty a diesel engine

  79. 79
    Curly says:

    Sue? Moodys? Must be right as Gordon always told it it was Sue’s fault.

    It will be nice to see their come-uppance after all the damage they did to the world’s economies.

  80. 80
    Curly says:

    I seem to recall it did actually make the journey to the Falkland islands as part of the RN contingent.

  81. 81
    Does anyone with an an IQ of over 75 ever read it? says:

    Is it extra-absorbent or does it just tend to “smear?”

  82. 82
    Curly says:

    Balls was absolutely pathetic and the braying screeching loons behind him even worse. What a waste of parliamentary time and resources.

  83. 83
    Pigeon & Rat meat filling Co Ltd says:

    STFU

  84. 84
    Curly says:

    But you told us yesterday that he had a spring in his step!

  85. 85
    IKEA catering office says:

    Reindeers keep falling on my head…

  86. 86
    Julian the Wonderhorse says:

    They might want to think about Norodine or Domperidone, regularly given to horses and not part of the “wonder passport” the EU insisted was implemented

  87. 87
    HM Her Majesty says:

    Has anyone seen my Deputy Prime Minister?

  88. 88
    albacore says:

    So what, if the hoi-polloi stinkers are fed
    Crap that drives them bonkers or makes them drop dead?
    What’s important is that Parliament’s alright
    Without them, wouldn’t we be deep in the shite?

  89. 89
    New Scotland Yard says:

    We’re hoping so!

  90. 90
    Sandra in Accounts says:

    First they ignore you, then they insult you…..UKIP will damage Dave beyond repair this Friday.

  91. 91
    Col. Sanders (ret'd), KFP says:

    +1

    Plus, our French-fries are guaranteed to contain some Gallic DNA.

    == Enjoy them on a High Street near YOU! ==

  92. 92
    Ah! Monika says:

    video please somebody.

  93. 93
    Geppe Brillo says:

    If you remember the last Tory MP for Eastleigh Stephen Milligan sadly died from botched auto-erotic asphyxiation with an orange stuffed in his gob

  94. 94
    old SHEP says:

    Dope ‘o’ mine; your constituency MP.

  95. 95
  96. 96
    DIY says:

    I always assumed they were made of sawdust.

  97. 97
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    would springy legs be allowed in cricket match ?

  98. 98
    Lord Rennees says:

    Nothing but the best meat pies for the gropers and gropees of Parliament.

  99. 99
    old SHEP says:

    Fair does, the jury is incarcerated for far longer than the sentence handed down to the convicted these days.

  100. 100
    H.R.H. Philip Thoedolliplops says:

    If that’s a euphemism for your “tool”, dearest , try the second draw down.

  101. 101
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    I thought it didn’t go

  102. 102
  103. 103
    old SHEP says:

    Are they really triple A pies?
    Food fit for the house of lies
    Heimlich manoeuvre may be needed
    Gob it out and get re-seated

  104. 104
    Richard the Lionheart says:

    Neigh lad (as we say in Yorkshire ) nowt wrong wi’a nice bit of stewed hoss in’t pudding.

  105. 105
    ana says:

    most important news of the day!

  106. 106
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    wouldn’t it be quicker to examine some old bones and a frog’s innards to determine her guilt ?

  107. 107
    Debbie in Distribution says:

    Too right, Sandra. See you at the water cooler.

  108. 108
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    I suppose he would have to field at silly square leg ?

  109. 109
    B Boyd says:

    Anything other than Jimmy Savile is OK with us.

  110. 110
    the mystic mould with the appearance of the face of Jesus says:

    I guess he could also field at short leg

  111. 111
    anonymous says:

    shake it all about


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