February 13th, 2013

Lonely Tories Don’t Need Dates for Tomorrow Night

This invitation was sent last night from the Whips office to all Tory staffers:

You are cordially invited to attend the
Conservative Parliamentary Staff New Year Party
Thursday 14th February 2013
6pm – midnight

It seems they don’t have much faith in young Tories having dates tomorrow night then.


121 Comments

  1. 1
    ████ ' changed my tune' Hoon says:

    Can I come with Carina ?

    • 5
      Mistress Carina says:

      Don’t you dare come before I’ve given you permission.

    • 12
      Big Dave on B Wing says:

      You’ll come once I’ve finished and not before.

      Looking forward to penetrating your intimate circle.

      • 14
        Dave the Gays Luvver says:

        It’s making my eyes water just thinking about it

        • 36
          Paniagua says:

          They really are pathetic aren’t they? They cannot even get the New Years party in on time (and no doubt budget).

          • Huhney Toons says:

            that’s all folks

          • CCHQ says:

            We celebrated Valentines day on the 1st Jan

          • Anonymous says:

            It will be a time for a good pep-talk on the current Tory thinking because of all the U-turns, The Grand Poobah Dave, the Dear Leader wants them to be on message ( well at least for the next fortnight). New Year’ day has long since past so it must be a little pep talk with drinkies and other things afterwards. Have you wangled yourself a ticket for the junket Geedo, boring speeches but think of those free drinkies afterwards.

  2. 2
    Dave says:

    Sorry Tarquin, can’t do tomorrow, somethings turned up. LOL (my way)

  3. 3
    The Third Way doesn't work either says:

    Looks as if they are playing pyramids…

    • 104
      T'Old Fella says:

      The Pharaoh Dave is having his pyramid built and all the jobless will recruited to build the pyramid in Regents Park, there will be no excuses allowed for not doing any work, all will be paid for at JSA tents will be provided for which rental thereof must be paid and will be deducted from the JSA.

  4. 4
    Centre Parting says:

    Is this encouraging incest? We don’t want them breeding with normal people.

    • 6
      The Third Way doesn't work either says:

      Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

      • 7
        Anonymous says:

        third way…..in the world of the soul and the god, what purpose do we have in life.
        is that at the top.

        spiral up or spiral down. the triangle remains unmissable. The pyramid has many sides and each being a triangle. The all knowing person is just below the top…a number 2. but what is the purpose of being the one when the life purpose does not come from a world free of desires of the senses.

        is the ultimate to live in the house of the source or be a pretend one.
        envy and jealousy is all very well in craving for being special … oh .. father …of the divine couple … but who created you?

        love and warmth.

        ps..even a scorpio will be question this one day….so god bless.

        • 45
          We're a bit posh down 'ere you know says:

          “Who created you?” A question I have often pondered since…

          there was Adam and Eve
          then there was Cain and Abel

          … so WTF did you come from??

      • 17
        Hegel says:

        I dunno – are you thinking?

  5. 8
    Food Standards Agency says:

    We have not been asleep on the job. Just snoozing.

    • 10
      Casual Observer says:

      Yet another lot of public sector shirkers doing fuck all for high salaries and gold plated pensions.

      • 91
        John Moss says:

        TBF parliamentary staff don’t get final salary pensions like their MP bosses. They have to settle for a simple money purchase scheme.

    • 60
      Socialists - stealing our oxygen without responsibilites says:

      Is the FSA the same as the FSA? The FSA deal with Lloyds and the FSA deals with our horseburgers

      • 80
        Hannibal from Carthage says:

        FSA are now saying they did not raid this farm in the netherlands of Todmorden “without good reason” .

        Well if they had no reason whatsoever I am sure we would all have expected them to move in mob handed .

        What a complete load of PR self justification crap.

        Let us hope there is no PR Consultancy firm with fancy bills on the payroll

    • 112
      T'Old Fella says:

      They do not act on plebeian food, only on toff food it was always so and always will be, maybe they should be forced to eat said “beef”burgers or stufff it down the throats of their kids, not very nice is it. Who blew the whistle on this horsemeat thing anyway, it must have been going on for years and nothing was done about it, with food like anything else, if it is cheap compared with something that is of good quality there is a reason for it. I wonder why the cat has been sick with cat food that was 50% cheaper than normal.

  6. 9
    Failed States says:

    1. Pakistan

    2. Somalia

    3. United Kingdom

    • 76
      Alex Salmonella says:

      Can you change 3 to Britain please?

      • 97
        Wee heck says:

        Could we make cleat that 3. is just England and that the rest of us would do alright if the English would leave us alone?

    • 116
      Living in 96.99% white Merseyside says:

      FAILED STATE. There are probably more P*k*st*nis in Luton than Lahore and more s*malis in Bournemouth than M*gadishu.

  7. 11
    Snake Oil For Sale says:
  8. 15
    Tory on appointment duty says:

    Now where is the calendar instruction manual Gregory?

  9. 21
    Synic says:

    They’re sooooo yesterday.

    There will never be another Conservative majority government. What is the point? They are just a weak version of the LibLab incompetent thieves

    • 23
      Let's build a jolly nice team consultancy says:

      They can’t even aspire to be mediocre at the moment.

    • 29
      Public comment. says:

      How on earth can you get any weaker than the Limp Dims?
      Please try a more mature comment.

      • 49
        Con Artists says:

        The conservatives cannot be trusted.

        CaMoron cast iron Dave is a liar, he is a spineless socialist loving traitor who has given this country away to the EU and immigrants.

        He has betrayed us.

        Never, ever, again.

  10. 24
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Is Guido trending? It seems that since Guido has been writing for the Sun, he is attacking the tories more.

  11. 25
    Owin Jones says:

    Labour lead at 11 – Latest YouGov / The Sun results 12th February – CON 32%, LAB 43%, LD 10%, UKIP 9%, Greens 2%; http://y-g.co/V4hs7x

    Taxi for Prime Minister David Cameron please.

    I’ll lend a hand to drag him,kicking and screaming, out of the Bunker.

    • 55
      A member of the public what likes pichers in the payperz says:

      Will YouGov ever do a meaningful poll, like for example outside Bethnal Green or Hackney?

  12. 27
    Big Momma says:

    They even missed out on Chinese New Year – the year of the Snake.
    Which year is it? Last year’s party or this year’s?

  13. 28
    Big State is watching. You haver NO freedom of choice. says:
    • 31
      Big State is watching. You haver NO freedom of choice. says:

      Di. If a Big drink contains 500 calories will you stop me buying two half size drinks?

      • 57
        A member of the public what likes pichers in the payperz says:

        There was a story in my paper today about a woman in America who died from drinking 11 litres of Coke a day for the past god knows how many years. No, her name was not Diane.

    • 33
      (I don't need no doctor) says:

      Abbott is in denial. Abbott you are a porker of the first order. Look in the mirror.

    • 37
      The calorie wall says:

    • 44
      The Third Way doesn't work either says:

      She has a point. The majority of Labour voters do not have the self-control to resist ingesting too much bad stuff. Others are prepared to be responsible and self-aware.

      Have all Labour voters marked prominently and permanently on the forehead with a star. They will not be allowed to buy certain stuff. The rest will by definition be OK types and therefore need face no such petty regulations issued by the Reich.

      • 61
        Paniagua says:

        There is an easier solution. Just ensure the ‘soshul debit card’ cant be used to buy sugary drinks as well as Booze, fags, Sky subscriptions, broadband, etc etc etc

        • 103
          The Third Way doesn't work either says:

          Was unaware that the albatross gent in the cinema accepted credit card.

    • 52
      Bin the Rice n Peas says:

      1 can of coconut milk = 550 calories

      http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080220033052AAUz2lK

    • 69
      MARGARET BECKETT says:

      They should ban giant sized arses like yours

    • 73
      Anonymous says:

      no freedom….on the contrar….ie.
      .
      to move up the supply chain the creative gods could go austere…the monastic existence….to experience a height detached from mother earth.
      .
      at the next level….The men of austerity on mother earth could be accepting. for they already know in their heart the heights.
      .
      how else can they see the depths of reality….for the man who can see both the depths and the height is grounded and happy. Once we have seen the darkness at the core of mother earth and known also …the heart of the all encompassing source…with eyes wide open…there is nothing else to be done…..for we know the truth about everything. That is the place of eternal peace.
      .
      may all be blessed, by someone….anyone really. let sweetness reign.

    • 78
      Diane Abbotapotamus says:

      Wacists

  14. 35
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Has Andy Burnham resigned yet?
    For labour horse meat in burgers is a higher priority than hundreds of deaths in hospitals.
    Do labour understand the word RESPONSIBILITY?

    • 41
      More in sorrow than in anger says:

      Could you lend me a dictionary please? Responsibility – no, it’s not in the New Political Dictonary as it went the same way as ethics, integrity and sorry.

    • 42
      Non aligned Beeboid reporter says:

      Nothing to see here move along. Now if this was a Tory government that had caused this well that would be different.

      It would be top news for months but it was that nice Mr Burnham

    • 46
      Anonymous says:

      horses are for kings…why eat.
      the gentler cow is the source for all the milk.. so why eat.
      .

      be karmic neutral…accept.

      • 63
        A member of the North Koreanpublic what likes pichers in the payperz says:

        Oh bugger – that only leaves rats, cats and rottweilers then.

        • 75
          A slavering gourmet says:

          Oh that’s what my local kebab shop has in the window. Have you got the full recipe?

        • 102
          Anonymous says:

          no. when you kill…it is karmic negative.

          meat which is the consequence of a natural death is better..how
          e
          v
          e
          r
          have the fruits stopped dropping from the apple tree of life? eat better. though even in junk there is goodness at times….so we have been given the good life….how many times should one watch the outstanding bit of predictive programming by the BBC to learn?
          .
          The Good Life exists….. the character played by Felicity Kendal is Barbara Good and hubbie is Tom Good. if kindness of our masters cannot be seen…then we better to start having better relations with our fathers and his extended family they represent our relationship with our masters.

      • 85
        Anonymous Coward says:

        You are swampy and I claim my five free tree hugging lessons

    • 88
      albacore says:

      Would resignation be admission of guilt?
      Whatever went on, he’s in up to the hilt
      Better sit it out and do nothing at all
      You never know, Plod might even make a call

  15. 39
    Sackcloth and Ashes says:

    On this Ash Wednesday and the first day of Lent the Pope has decided to give up the following for lent

    errrr..

    being the pope.

  16. 40
    albacore says:

    So they hold their New Year’s party on Valentine’s Day?
    Well, after having said that, what more is there to say?
    Maybe they just woke up out of long hibernation
    Or nursey’s been feeding them the wrong medication

    • 48
      We're a bit thick down 'ere you know says:

      On their Planet LaLa, they use a different time scale – you know a bit like the taxman’s year starts on 5 or 6 April. Now why can’t they be like everyone else and start on 1 January?

      • 56
        Mother Nature says:

        The New Year starts at the Winter Solstice.

        Any other date is an invention by religious nutters or deviant politicians.

  17. 50
    We're a bit thick down 'ere you know says:

    Hasty fingers lead to to silly mistakes – There just to be etc..??

  18. 58
    Now here's a creativge idea says:

    The Vatican’s diversity statistics are appalling and we have a black Abbott that we could let them have. (I know it would be a big wrench but we would have to think of the wider picture.) being an Abbott she is partly qualified for the post and she should probably try Latin after failing to learn English properly.

    I know that Pope Diane sounds a little off the wall but surely no wackier than a Leader of the Labour Party who isn’t a socialist, a leader of the Conservative Party who isn’t a Tory and a leader of the Limp Dims who isn’t………..

    • 70
      PC Dave, your Inclusive P.M. says:

      In the interests of equality and political correctness, the next Pope should be a bleck woman.

      I hereby nominate Abbarse. She will fill the throne magnificently.

    • 71
      Curly, being non-believing and pig ignorant wonders says:

      What is the difference between an Archbishop and a Cardinal?

      • 82
        Our Episcopal correspondent says:

        Well it used to be that an Archbishop looked like a refugee from a Harry Potter film and a Cardinal got to wear a dafter hat and a different coloured frock but things are getting more confused these days.

      • 89
        All Religions are Total Bollux says:

        A Cardinal sins whereas an Archbishop pricks

        • 115
          Ying Tong, a visitor says:

          A few years ago Cardinal Sin was a very bigwig in Philippines society. Can’t be bothered to look but I suspect he might be gewglable

      • 92
        Our Episcopal correspondent says:

        It used to be that an Archbishop looked like a refugee from a film based on a book by J K Rowling and that a Cardinal wore a dafter hat and a different coloured frock but things are getting more confused now.

  19. 59
    MARGARET BECKETT says:

    I’m available !

  20. 62
    Mummy Jones says:

    Owen — get up — there’s someone called Dave on the phone asking if you can do one of your entertaining and informative presentations at some party tomorrow

    • 84
      DAVE laughing stock of Europe and the World says:

      When you look at Jones , Paterson , Osborne , Hunt etc , you can see that Spineless Dave has just surrounded himself with totally incompetent , wet behind the ears , clueless tory public school fuck wits , that have never lived or worked in the real world

      No wonder this country is fucked

      • 93
        Ed Miliband says:

        I once had a paper round in working class Primrose Hill, delivering The Guardian to the bros in the hood

  21. 65
    Mark Reckless says:

    I’ll be there!

  22. 67
    Socialists - stealing our oxygen without responsibilites says:

    Are the FSA and the FSA one and the same thing? They are both as effective as each other

  23. 72
    Steve Miliband says:

    Have Labour milked the horesemeat story enough yet? Pathetic opportunism.It’s almost as though they have no policies on anything. Oh wait a minute.

    • 83
      Dave the Spendthrift Gay Lover says:

      Don’t knock this knacking story. We need it to run and run Grand National style to distract Joe Public from our continuing endless fuck ups.

  24. 79
    Steve Miliband says:

    Things you never hear on the BBC;

    ”Left wing think tank, Resolution Foundation”

    Instead

    ”Influential think tank, Resolution Foundation”

  25. 86
    Sick of having to learned all the banned vocabulary says:

    Bloody hell Gweedo – why so sensitive about the “diminutive” of Henry?

    • 113
      Lucky Waynetta says:

      There wasn’t nuffink diminutive about Henry when he was doing that action shot with me.

  26. 87
    Sick of having to learned all the banned vocabulary says:

    Can’t even use of the names of an aspiring bomber of Parliament and the guy currently third in line to the throne!

  27. 95
    true blue says:

    When you say lonely Tories I presume you mean the 3% who make up the true Tory Party?

    • 114
      Living in 96.99% white Merseyside says:

      I,m sure more than 3% belong to the “hang ‘em, flog ‘em, stick ‘em all on a boat and send them back from where they came and make the unemployed plebs clear all the dog shite off the roads (which we leave behind)” brigade.

  28. 96
    MARGARET BECKETT says:

    Tesco burgers may contain traces of Me , and Camila Parker Bowls

  29. 99
    Who'd have thought says:

    So the tossers in the House of thieves do come from planet La La land, always suspected so now it’s been confirmed New year’s party in in Feb, can’t be Chinese New year they’re celebrating that could confirm what was suspected as well, they’re Chinese spies, can’t be that as the Chinese know everything that we do, just by going on the internet, New Year’s in February how stupid and inept.

    • 107
      Dave says:

      Gideon and I never could do numbers.

      We’re Oxford history and PPE graduates dontcha know

      Toodle Pippa

  30. 100
    MARGARET BECKETT says:

    Black Rod’s entrance will be taking some hammer tonight

  31. 105
    Labour wrong on immigration says:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9808290/Labour-got-it-wrong-on-immigration-admits-Miliband.html

    We’ve been telling thick lefties this for fucking years, how long does it take for the penny to drop ffs?

  32. 106
    THE WESTMINSTER MAFIA says:

    How ironic that the thieving scumbags in the HoC are to introduce a code of ethics morals and standards for the police force
    Explaining to them not to take bribes , bungs ,not to fiddle expenses / overtime
    to always tell the truth and never lie , never leak information to the press or be involved in anything that might be seen as corruption
    (can’t write anymore for laughing)

    Talk about Kettle calling pot black !

  33. 109
    another mouthy Labour gob says:

    That Mary Creagh might be all over the media claiming credit for whatever actions others are taking, but she isnt fooling anyone.

    • 118
      A reporter from the Daily Planet says:

      I heard she was going to be promoted to Number Two in the Shadow Treasury Team but keep it quiet.

  34. 111
    THE WESTMINSTER MAFIA says:

    Sky news are at the meat plant in Wales that was shut down yesterday by FSA
    They filmed through the fence several tons of meat placed around the back in an overgrown weeded area this meat was in food bins covered with polythene
    when they questioned the owner at the front door he said he knew nothing about any meat around the back and that the FSA and police did not take away any paperwork or meat and that they just took a few photos
    He said that they had not been shut down and it was business as usual men with hairnets and knives were seen wandering about the factory and he said that they were de boning horses this morning

    When sky phoned the FSA they said “Their license has been suspended and the plant is shut down”

    So what the fuck is going on ?

  35. 117
    Lord Fibbit says:

    The Party tonight is cancelled !

    After the revelations from Mervyn King that the economy is well and truly fucked this most certainly is not the time to start partying .

    People will think that the Tories are arrogant and out of touch.

    • 121
      J M Keynes says:

      This is pure Keynesian economics – using government money (research wages spent on the tickets) to stimulate the economy. We should be encouraging more parties of this sort.


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Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”



orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?


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