February 1st, 2013

Friday Caption Contest: Going Underground Edition


181 Comments

  1. 1
    When I was a lad I served a term as office boy to an attorney's firm... says:

    Who’s had one’s wallet?

  2. 2
    Attila the Huhne says:

    “‘Ave you got a ticket Sir?”

  3. 3
    Kebab Time says:

    “You mean i was not meant to eat that Oyster card thing?”

  4. 4

    I thought I had them in my pocket

  5. 5
    Mat says:

    “I could have sworn I had my wallet at Westminster…”

  6. 6

    We are in the tunnel…Repeat, we are in the tunnel.

  7. 7

    “I think Mummy’s still breathing, Camilla. We’ll have to get off her and strangle her instead.”

  8. 8
    Bugler Bert says:

    Dqammit woman, where did you put those Freedom Pases?

  9. 9
    SP4BS says:

    Mrs. Wales.

    “Don’t bother looking for it, you have never had a wallet. a bit like your role in life”

  10. 10
    Martin Houlden says:

    I did buy a ticket, honest guv – I had it right here a minute ago…

  11. 11
    Steve Miliband says:

    Joe Walker is alive and well

  12. 12
    Gabi Coleman says:

    It’s those damn Romanian pickpockets again :-(

  13. 13
    Mrs Entity says:

    “Quick the conductors coming pretend we haven’t noticed him; this tube hopping is such fun!”

  14. 14
    Mr Rotivator says:

    Yes I’m sorry Camilla, one did not put deoderant on this morning. I thought that’s what one does when travelling on the tube.

  15. 15
    Andrew England says:

    “Andrew took the helicopter again! I’m going to call mama”

  16. 16
    I Squiggle says:

    Um.. Camilla, have you got any change for when one tips the driver?

  17. 17
    guardian apologia for islam says:

    Even by the grubby standards of the guardian, this is absolute garbage.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/31/its-islamic-dont-panic

  18. 18
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    Going on the Underground to Kings Cross. What rot, I’m cross because I’m still the Prince of Wales

  19. 19
    Big Ears says:

    Where’s my condom?

  20. 20
    I Squiggle says:

    Hang on, this is Harry’s coat, it’s got one of those thong things in the pocket..

    • 170
      Gone to hell in a handbasket says:

      “No darling, I don’t have one on me and I told you before I don’t want to be your Tampon any more!”

  21. 21
    Steve Miliband says:

    Some people might say my life is in a rut,
    But I’m quite happy with what I got
    People might say that I should strive for more,
    But I’m so happy I can’t see the point.

  22. 23
    Treebeard says:

    Don’t go telling me it’s all right Chas, think of all my trees getting the chop for HS2!

  23. 25
    Anonymous says:

    That’s not it, no pong here.

  24. 27
    Steve Miliband says:

    ”Mind the Sap”

  25. 28
    Guy de Lusignan says:

    I say, some oik’s nicked one’s iPod!

  26. 30
    Yawn! says:

    If one wafts the overcoat about, hopefully the smell of ones aftershave will hide the smell of the fowl fart ones mistress to Mrs has just dropped.

  27. 31
    Mr Rotivator says:

    “Charles! I’ve found a severed hand in my handbag! Did you put it there?”

  28. 32
    moriarty says:

    That really is a quite dreadful underarm deodorant darling and its making my eyes water! Handkerchief where are you?

  29. 33
    roundell says:

    arrgh , ones pocket has been picked

  30. 34
    Abolish the wreched monarchy says:

    He last took the Tube in 1972 FFS

    • 38
      Historian of our times says:

      No…

      The last time he took the Tube was when it was opened 150 years ago

      He sat on Queen Victoria’s knees

    • 97
      Duty pedant says:

      That’s not a tube. It’s an underground train on the Metropolitan, which isn’t a tube (tunnelled) line.

  31. 35
    Steve Miliband says:

    Charles can’t find his free Standard

  32. 36
    Clive says:

    My valet didn’t give me a bath this morning.

  33. 37

    I’m sure Mummy gave me the crown…

    • 164
      Pickled Wizard says:

      Cheap watch guv’nor? Rolex and Tag this side, and a good line in Cartier and Patek Phillippe on the other. No VAT, no guarantee, no questions, all off the back of a lorry dahn the docks – so wots it to be then me old china?

  34. 39
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “That’s strange– I was wearing the shoulder holster this morning; what on earth could have happened to it?”

  35. 40
    Fishy says:

    ‘First trip on ones Metropolitan Railway and one of those common people has stolen ones Oyster Card. I think it was that strange person Cammy, you know the one with hair like a haystack’.

  36. 41
    Biff says:

    Yes….It has become clear that the carriage has irretrievably broken down.

  37. 42
    The pétomane says:

    I’ve done it again

    I am a flatulist (pétomane in French for the connaisseurs)

    • 55
      Lilly the Pink says:

      http://bit.ly/U4mZu6 THE quiet dignity of a court session was abruptly disturbed when someone loudly broke wind in the public gallery.

      Nobody apologised for the noisy interruption – and there were anxious looks from people nearby who feared they might get the blame. Grimsby magistrates pretended they had not heard a thing, and in a seemingly unrelated incident a few minutes later, all the lights went out for a few seconds before flickering back on again.

    • 57
      albacore says:

      In degrees of sheer ordure, it would appear
      The E U defines the meaning of diarrhoea
      Freedom from that morass of effluvium
      Ain’t gonna come from any LibLabCon bum

  38. 43
    Louise Mensch says:
  39. 44
    Nonny Mouse says:

    Royal wife breaks with convention and survives tunnel journey.

  40. 45
    rumpleforeskin says:

    “somebody has put corgi poop in my handbag”

  41. 46
    marmalade says:

    I fumble for change – and pull out the Queen
    Smiling, beguiling

  42. 47
    The pétomane says:

    We need a bit of this to brighten up our day Gwido

    Some nice colonial titties worthy of Dirty Desmondo

  43. 48
    obangobang says:

    It’s an Oyster Card, dear, not an oxter card.

  44. 50
    Pundit too too says:

    Where is this bloody mobile that keeps ringing?

  45. 51
    Metro says:

    “Flash!” ahhh haaaa Master of My Universe!

  46. 52
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “It looks as though Mumsy didn’t sew my name inside this overcoat; are we even sure it’s mine, Camilla? Wouldn’t do for the King-in-waiting to be grabbing someone else’s overcoat– it just isn’t done, don’t you know?”

  47. 53
    SR says:

    We just don’t have a clue.

  48. 54
    Cward says:

    “Where on earth has my wallet gone?”

  49. 56
    Nonny Mouse says:

    Exposure Therapy: Camilla bravely confronts her tunnel phobia.

  50. 61
    LOL says:

    Funniest moment on last night’s Question Time, on the subject of where to dump nuclear waste, one member of the audience said “why don’t we give it to Scotland and in return give them their independence?”

  51. 62
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Charles realised that he had missed out on the steam train on the Metropolitian Line.

  52. 63
    Anonymous says:
  53. 64
    Gonk III says:

    ‘It’s alright dear, I’ve cut out the Primark label ‘

  54. 65
    (I don't need no doctor) says:

    Camilla, does one look good in my new Cashmere Onesie.

  55. 66
    Down the tubes says:

    I think this seat stinks of pee.

  56. 67
    @nby83 says:

    POW: Oh my, where has that ferret gone?

  57. 68
    macduffer says:

    PoW – “You naughty ho, I’ve got a stain like a map of Africa inside my coat now. Pass me a tissue.”

  58. 69
    Potkettle says:

    Golly, I should go to Leeds now i appear to have grown a Moob

  59. 70
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “I believe the way it is ordinarily done on the Tube, dearest, is to lower one’s trousers and pants, stand up, and THEN to open up one’s overcoat!”

  60. 71
    Hilary Spurling says:

    Charles and Camilla quickly learned to avoid eye contact.

  61. 72
    Big dave says:

    Hey left nipple, what do you think of the tit on the right?

  62. 74
    Jimmy says:

    No you had the tampons dear.

  63. 77
    Steve Miliband says:

    One can’t find ones Dr Dre’s

  64. 78
    Anonymous says:
  65. 79
    Got a new crayon says:

    Charlie: Ooops, twist.

  66. 81
    Matt says:

    When I left the palace I’m sure I was wearing a onesie.

  67. 82
    Observer says:

    “Ones iphone has been lifted”

  68. 83
    graham smith says:

    “Should I put the wanking gloves away”,”May as well its as dead as a dodo down there”

  69. 84
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘Oh! Daahlin’ phocking pickpockets have been at me!’

  70. 85
    old SHEP says:

    Camilla hides Charlies glove puppet in her handbag.

  71. 87
    Bill Wagstick says:

    Hey, the lable says from Jimmy Savile not Savile Row

  72. 88
    alextaylor says:

    Oh Bugger!!!.. l seem to have picked up daddy’s topcoat thingy

  73. 89
    Anonymous says:

    This Oyster card thingy… Is it the same as a bearded clam?

  74. 90
    Anonymous says:

    I’m searchingfor a right tit. Oh no, it’s my left!

  75. 91
    old SHEP says:

    Camilla: These bananas are past their sell-by date
    Charles: Hello, little leprechaun

  76. 92

    “By 2016, train fares had risen to such an extent that celebrities and even royalty had ditched their chauffeurs in favour of travelling via Southern Rail.”

  77. 93
    Willer says:

    One ought to have an iphone to play with.

  78. 95
    Anonymous says:

    Mind the sap.

  79. 96
    Moby Dick says:

    Wheres my pen the graffiti in needs beefing up

  80. 98
    Moby Dick says:

    Wheres my pen the graffiti needs beefing up

  81. 99
    Leopold Stotch says:

    Look at the pair of old tits.

  82. 100
  83. 101
    restore the monasteries says:

    “What the fuck is that Godawful smell?”

  84. 102
    Frederick Gideon Threepwood says:

    “Now where did I put those plans for Georgian pediments on tube trains?”

  85. 103
    Sir William says:

    “We apologise for the continued delay in the Succession, which has been rescheduled for approximately 2025. Thank you for your patience..”

  86. 104
    Anonymous says:

    I had some postcards for sale but they appear to have disappeared.

  87. 106
    Alastair Campbell Murderer says:

    “Oh dear, no! A photographer.. and one’s forgotten one’s side-arm.. Camilla, dearest – have you brought your revolver?”

  88. 107
    Gobfrey Shrdlu says:

    “What’s that song on one’s Ipod? London Underground (London Underground), they’re all lazy fucking useless Hunts. ”

    Oh no hang on, that’s me…

  89. 108
    davo says:

    Old bloke: “I’ve got Golden Virginia, Amber Leaf and Cutters Choice. 50g packs, £7.00 each”
    Lady: “Hold on, just get me purse, I’ll take 5 Golden Virginia”

  90. 109
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Right Charlie : “Christ luv – just to show some empathy with the damned plebs we have to take a 2 minute tube journey … still won’t have to do it again for another 33 years – wot ho!”

  91. 111
    JSee says:

    “If it is not one’s oyster card…then what is it that smells of fish”

  92. 112
    Anonymous says:

    Bloody hell, someone’s nicked one’s medals!

  93. 113
    bondini says:

    Bloke: “Hello, coat. Hello, handkerchief. Hello, tie…huh huh huh..I’m going to be King one day…huh huh wibble”
    Woman: “Oh God, why do they always sit by me?”

  94. 115
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    PoW: ‘Yes, of course I’ve got the Divine Right. It’s here somewhere.’

    DiC: ‘Poor Diana, now i understand what she went through with this pathetic loon.’

  95. 117
    Anonymous says:

    Do I really have to give up one seat for a less abled person?

  96. 118
    Man from middle earth says:

    Damn, I’m sure I had my fob watch when I left the Palace.

  97. 119
    They Royal His 'n' Hers Highnesses says:

    ‘Nice bit of shmutter this, I think I’ll have it’

    ‘And they left some gloves behind’

    ..’we should come down here more often. The pickings are good’.

  98. 122

    Oh Lawks! Look what Richard Rogers put in my pocket whilst my coat was hanging in the cloakroom…

  99. 123

    Charles, talking to plants is seen as mildly eccentric. Talking to your armpit is just plain weird.

  100. 124
    magna says:

    ‘ I think one pongs a bit’

  101. 125
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “Is it me darling, or does this seat smell of piss?”

  102. 126
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “Tunnel’s haven’t been one’s strong point in the past. I hope the driver is sober and English”

  103. 127
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “Eeer Charlie, ‘ave you seen my glasses ……..I know I ‘ad them on the bus”

  104. 128
    NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH says:

    No, its not my fart!

  105. 129
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “Tunnels were never ones strong point”

  106. 130
    Robert peston's speech therapist says:

    Where the fuck is my 9 mili?

  107. 131
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “is the driver English and sober?”

  108. 132
    damned impertinent questions says:

    “How do pigeons manage to do that inside the bloody tube”

  109. 133
    damned impertinent questions says:

    After adverse publicity, future King looks for his share of National Debt”

  110. 134
    SaltPetre says:

    ….Hang on. I keep a photo of her all mangled amidst the wreckage… it’s in my inside pocket….

  111. 135
    Geordieboy says:

    No Camilla, I don’t want a Worthers Original this jacket is cutting me in half.

  112. 136
    Barry says:

    Darling, have you got a deodorant handy?

    Ball or aerosol, Charles?

    Neither, darling, it’s under arm I need.

  113. 137
    wherez a cromwell says:

    I TOLD you dear, they are all in my pocket.

  114. 138
    King MacArthur says:

    Blast, Camilla, some bloody immigrant has stolen my wallet

  115. 139
    Peter Grant says:

    “So Camilla, when they said they were going to give us those Oysters, One was kind of wondering what they were expecting us to do next on public transportation of all places? Then one learned they were travel cards, and could hardly be more relieved!”

  116. 140
    Anonymous says:

    The next station is Tower Hill where this reign terminates.

  117. 141
    Weybridgeman says:

    Did you bring the travel mints?

  118. 142
    Expat Ian says:

    Damn that Guido Fawkes. I used to have the Cabinet Office in my pocket.

  119. 143
  120. 144
    Must get a pseudonym one day says:

    Camilla: “Last time you said we should get the tube, it was a tube of KY Royal Jelly you meant”.

  121. 145
    Tim Williamson says:

    Don’t worry, Charles — this is the last place the reporters will be looking for us.

  122. 146
    Airey Belvoir says:

    Psst! you want feelthy pictures? I got watches, very nice, real Rolex, change money? I change you money, very good rate, etc etc

  123. 147
    marcia says:

    “Urgh, something jumped”

  124. 148
    Lord Lupin says:

    I say, did you guff, Cam, or was it me?

  125. 149
    Anonymous says:

    “Quick, look busy and the blasted busker might not bother us!”

  126. 150
    South of the M4 says:

    Your brain darling? No, I haven’t got it either.

  127. 151
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD and COD FATHER of SOLE says:

    Harry Potty and his Hobbit

  128. 152
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD and COD FATHER of SOLE says:

    Warning ! The London tube may contain Horse !

  129. 153
    Mr Rotivator says:

    “My name? er, ahem, yes I’ll just check my name tag”

  130. 154
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD and COD FATHER of SOLE says:

    A cylindrical object inside a tube !
    It reminds one of when i wanted to be your tampon

  131. 155
    John Prescott's Ringpiece says:

    Damn…where did I put those sugarlumps…..?

  132. 156
    YorkshireLad says:

    “Have you got the Oyster Card, dear?”

  133. 157
    Charlie Wales says:

    Just checking one has ones Colt .38 Snub Nose Special in case we bump into that awful pleb Bob Crow.

  134. 158
    Charles says:

    Why the long face?

  135. 159
    Wok Gon - Guru of Style says:

    Well I never noticed that the old boy wears a “pinky” ring favoured by made men and pimps, says it all really.

    • 168
      (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

      Do you mean the age old tradition of wearing a signet ring? Dear boy, your ignorance precedes you.

  136. 160
    M Fayad says:

    Charles: Do you hear that? Where is it coming from?
    Camilla: It’s her again!
    Charles: Yes – that damned woman, why can’t she stay dead.
    Camilla: It’s all echoy, like she’s still in the tunnel

  137. 161
    I'll have some of that says:

    I think you’ve put the tampon in my Oyster

  138. 162
    Patrick says:

    Never mind that Charles, this new Rabbit is brilliant.

  139. 165
    Anonymous says:

    Its the morning jacket, it must be morning

  140. 166
    Horsey Lover says:

    “Can anyone else smell urine?”

  141. 167
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    Well I was going to have a nice chat but some bugger’s stolen my buttonhole.

  142. 169
    djh says:

    Charles – Of Course this King’s Cross, I’m not King yet

    or Charles – Harry’s definately back, he’s pissed in the pocket again.

  143. 171
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD and COD FATHER of SOLE says:

    One is a trifle hot , wheres my butler to remove ones coat ?

  144. 172
    maggie the dog says:

    I don’t smell horse face

  145. 173
    Sir Mary Flappes says:

    “Mornington Crescent!”

  146. 174
    NorthernGrouse says:

    “The bloody speaking tube must be somewhere.”

    “Don’t fuss dear, I’m sure the chauffeur knows where he is going”

  147. 175
    Rightallalong says:

    “I’m talking to the fungus”.

  148. 176
    Damned Impertinent Questions says:

    “We must get off soon before it crosses the channel”

  149. 177
    The man who would be King says:

    “No Iv just checked the label still says Prince not King I though I heard on the BBC that Queen has abdicated in favor of son”

    “That was Holland dearest”

  150. 180
    Linx says:

    “I told you not to use Old Spice.”

  151. 181
    Jack the Ripper says:

    “Yes I know it’s dark in there. I’ll plant you when we get home. The whole seed packet, promise.”


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Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”



orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?


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