January 10th, 2013

Sherlock Heywood’s Morning Mauling

“Sherlock Heywood” has been in front of MPs this morning after Bernard Jenkin summoned him to the Public Administration Committee to put the thumbscrews on over his investigation into the Andrew Mitchell mess:

That went well then…


  1. 1
    Some Twat up North says:

    close but no Kebab

  2. 2
    Mr Bleedin Obvious says:

    No Shit Sherlock

  3. 3

    I’m going to ask again, because there’s every possibility that these chancers didn’t… did the police on the gate have *any* official justification to hold Mitchell up as they did?

  4. 4
    Hey Wood! says:

    The price of failure in the civil service is a Golden handshake, early retirement and a gold plated pension.

    Makes you wonder why more of them don’t try to fuck up. It beats working for a living.

  5. 5
    Keep our Dave Safe says:

    It was reported at the time, that their orders were not to open the vehicular gates after hours for security reasons, unless necessary .

  6. 6
    V1le Labour ruined my Country says:

    Are you on welfare up North?

  7. 7
    P l e b says:

    Take away the twat’s knighthood

  8. 8
    I know a politician is being economical with the truth when his lips move says:

    Did Heywood tell Dave? Yes. Did Dave do anything? No. Who is the real villain?

  9. 9
    bergen says:

    In the private sector he’d be sacked for such sloppy work.

    In the public sector he is Cabinet Secretary.

    No wonder we’re in a mess.

  10. 10
    skorpian de rooftrouser says:

    He should have known that the allegations where a loaf of bollocks. Most people in the country would not thrust the plod to tell then the time. Bernard hyphon Howe rushed back from his hols to sort this out in a matter of days, what has happened with all this rushing about. Zilch,Nada, Nothing.

  11. 11
    La Policia de la Calle Downing says:

    Justification? We don’t need no justification! We don’t got to show you no stinking justification!

  12. 12
    skorpian de rooftrouser says:

    Meant load

  13. 13
    a non says:

    Like Gus o Donnell before him Sir Germy was just faffing about hoping like G.O.D his baronetcy will soon arrive.
    Time that top Civil Sevants earned their money than attempted just to protect their present figurehead from flak, ignoring all others.
    Clouseau couldn’t have handled the matter more incompetently.

  14. 14
    Heywood Jablome says:

    Like I give a shit

  15. 15
    skorpian de rooftrouser says:

    Have you seen my Minkey?

  16. 16
    Pol Pot says:

    Hunes, “mildly suspicious”

  17. 17
    Anonymous says:

    I am not taking any sides but I cannot think of any reason police have to invent a story.

  18. 18
    The most offensive, politically incorrect comic in the world says:

    You righties will enjoy this.

  19. 19
    The Royal Family says:

    We live off the state.

  20. 20
    Voice of reason says:

    Heywood’s nothing more than a typical, indoctrinated product of the London School of Economics. Another new age neo liberal who thinks he’s a conservative.

    These ‘plants’ have no shame whatsoever.

    I was always taught that if you make a mistake, or get caught fiddling the books, you should have the backbone to admit your error/guilt and show a little humility. Not any more.

  21. 21
    Unbefuckinglievable says:

    You couldn’t make it up. Unless you were a policeman fabricating evidence, that is.

  22. 22
    Gordon Broon ex saviour of the universe says:

    …..errr……could it be Alasdair?

  23. 23
    La famille royale says:

    L’état, c’est nous.

  24. 24
    VoteUkip says:

    Uh? The police didn’t want to get revenge for cutting their numbers and for the government releasing the facts that the coppers lied through their arses over Hillsborough? That’s two fucking obvious reasons.

  25. 25
    The Plod says:

    Well think harder.

  26. 26
    Obviously... says:

    To undermine government plans to reform the police.

  27. 27
    I know a policeman is being economical with the truth when he puts on a uniform says:

    Did Heywood tell Dave ALL the facts? I know a civil servant is being economical with the truth when he gets up in a morning.

  28. 28
    I d on't need no doctor says:

    The police for lying in the first place. If the police had not lied none of this would have happened.

  29. 29
    Popeye says:

    Am I to assume that this apology for an investigator is still in office?

  30. 30
    Nick Buckles says:

    I think all this is a conspiracy at the highest levels of Sketchleys in order to get back at the gummint over the G4S Olympic fiasco.

  31. 31
    Nick Buckles says:

    I mean they control everything uniform related. The police, the emergency services, the MOD they are the NWO

  32. 32
  33. 33
    I know the state is economical with the truth because it says so on the tin says:

    The civil service, the police and politicians all work for the state. The state is as corrupt as hell. Nationalisation of any industry makes as much sense as sticking your head in a gas oven on Gas Mark 7 for twenty minutes.

  34. 34
    The Public in a goldfish bowl called the UK says:

    As this happened more than an hour ago WTF is it all about?

  35. 35
    Vote UKIP says:

    Heads will roll and then resume their previous position. That’s what nearly always happens to these incompetent, untrustworthy, non-accountable state workers. It’s a fact of nature.

  36. 36
    Engineer says:

    I can think of no VALID reason police have to invent a story.

  37. 37

    Ah, first I’ve heard of that. I did look at the police log again, because you would expect all the relevant details to be included, but it only refers to a ‘policy’ about not opening the main gate for ‘pedal cycles’, and nothing about the time.

    It’s worth looking at the log, because it does confirm that all of Mitchell’s alleged abuse took place *after* his refusals to comply, as they approached the side gate, and there just wasn’t enough time for him to say all that, let alone for the policeman to warn him he might be arrested.


  38. 38
    Vote UKIP says:

    Where are all these lefty nutters telling us how good it is for the state to run nearly everything?

  39. 39
    C Huhne MP and Perverter of justice says:

    Yes Carina and it could do with a bath…

  40. 40
    Vote UKIP says:

    There is a rumour going around that the state is going to nationalise the whitewash industry. Its the only thing it is good at.

  41. 41
    Ffion says:

    Has anyone seen my Willy?

  42. 42
    Engineer says:

    If the PM, when asking the Cabinet Secretary to investigate, had explicitly stated that he didn’t want to accuse the Police of lying, and it subsequently became clear that some policemen may have lied, what course should the Cabinet Secretary have taken? My first though is that he should have sought a private word with the PM, outlined the facts so far established, and requested clarification on his future progress.

  43. 43
    Anonymous says:

    If you have read anything about this at all, you would know they have made up a story ! the P/C who wrote to his MP claimng to be a member of the public who witnessed the incident for starters!

  44. 44
  45. 45
    Vote UKIP says:


    If half of the world’s food is wasted (and that probably means three quarters in the UK then why the fuck do the poor need food-banks?

  46. 46
    you couldn't make it up says:

    Am I the only who thinks, that if a police officer tries to remove a member of the dually elected government, that that is in fact a coup d’etre and the officer should be tried for treason

  47. 47
    Potato Millionaire says:

    I use food banks and I make around 600 potatoes a day in interest alone

  48. 48
    PPE Graduate says:

    That’s why you’re just a fucking engineer then!

  49. 49
    None of the above says:

    Or applauded

  50. 50
    Anonymous says:

    Why on earth would the PM order an enquiry and say “dont tell me fibs were told ?” it doesnt make sense.

  51. 51
    Anonymous says:

    I agree, i read somewhere that it could be treason.

  52. 52
    Anonymous says:

    Like everyone they are driven by targets, and rewarded for silence, and do what they think is expected of them. The unwritten command they assume will gain them favour.

    The ugly culture of the UK. At no time does anyone get rewarded for honesty or success.

  53. 53
    Merv the Swerv says:

    Interest rate no move, QE same

  54. 54
    Tachybaptus says:

    Coup d’être, n. A sudden realisation that you exist.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    You think its ok to fit up a Cabinet minister, and cause him to lose his job ? what a moron you are !

  56. 56
    None of the above says:

    Like a Raison d’état

    Reason for state

  57. 57

    Meanwhile, in Reading, ████ ████ ██ ████ ████ ████████ ████ ████ ██████ ████ ███ ████ ██. Twice.

  58. 58
    None of the above says:

    When they start representing the people rather themselves I may change my view

  59. 59
    Loaf says:

    Meant to use reply

  60. 60
    Mrs Slocombe says:


  61. 61
    Reading Herald says:

    Dog heard barking

  62. 62
    Anonymous says:

    The whole episode was pathetic on the polices part, from the stupid T shirts and cuff links to the actual words allegedly used, i mean who exept Allan B’ Stard has ever said the word “plebs” in living memory?the police must have thought that was a documentary !

  63. 63
    Obvious says:

    Because it’s wasted?

  64. 64
  65. 65
    melvin says:

    Or even a coup d’etat. ‘etre’ being the verb ‘to be’, but please continue.

  66. 66
    Anonymous says:

    The sinister side of UK life: The unwritten, or changed, rule.

    So who made up this policy of gate opening and why was it secret from even the MPs.

    I suppose it is their just rewards since they too, are putting in place a law that will allow a private body to create a new criminal law in 28 days without any democratic control. Can we just stop this madness. Laws should only be created by true democratic entities. All other rules can not be criminal. See Ports bill.

    Also giving away our personal identity to criminal elements, like car park operators, has to stop unless we get to see which private firms have accessed our information and why.

  67. 67
    Living in 96.98 percent white Merseyside says:

    You are Mr Big and I claim my $10.

  68. 68

    That is strange…

    In the Barking Herald, it leads with Dog Seen Reading.

    What do you make of that?

  69. 69
    Mornington Crescent says:

    That would be the ‘private sector’ that has brought us record energy bills, the ‘private sector’ that has brought us a rail network 3 times more expensive to run than a comparable European network, the ‘private sector’ that charges NHS hospitals 150 notes to change a light bulb, would it?

    Do fuck off with your divide’n’rule crap, you private sector parasite.

  70. 70
  71. 71
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Did he have a rest in between (as it were)…?

  72. 72
    bergen says:

    Touched a nerve,I see. Sit down and have a nice cup of tea.BTW I’ve worked in both sectors.

  73. 73
    Mornington Crescent says:

    I’m amazed white British make up as much as 45% in Luton.

    The DT is not allowing comments on that article; I wonder why?

  74. 74
    Mornington Crescent says:

    So have I, ducky – and I see little difference between the two in many cases.

  75. 75
  76. 76
    Mornington Crescent says:


    Hogan-Watnot proudly announces he’s got 30 officers working on the case. THIRTY!! Why don’t the 3 or 4 of his officers on duty at the time just tell the fucking truth?

  77. 77
    bergen says:

    There is crap in the private sector but it could not survive if it had to suffer the calibre of management found in much of the public sector where the Peter principle invariably applies.

  78. 78
    arse fuck for freedom says:

    You’ve not met Dave then?

  79. 79
    arse fuck for freedom says:

    duly or dually?

  80. 80
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    No one will be hiring ‘Sherlock’ Heywood to do another investigation any time soon. MPs barely concealing their incredulity at his efforts……..

    The public could barely contain their incredulity at Lord Hutton’s investigative efforts, but nothing was done about that.

  81. 81
    Jimmy says:

    To sum up

    1. Butch asks Heywood to check out the email to see whether it gives him an excuse to fire Mitchell
    2. Heywood says no, it’s unreliable.
    3. Butch sacks him anyway because he’s scared of the tabs.
    4. Tories decide to blame Heywood.

    So when’s Butch giving evidence?

  82. 82
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    They probably don’t have enough lawyers.

  83. 83
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Because they can’t think for themselves.

  84. 84
    JH230923495834 says:

    You do know that attributing bigotry to someone on the basis of their political outlook is… bigoted, right?

    I actually enjoy watching her, which is largely down to the fact that *she does not give a fuck* about the censorious little squeals of sanctimonious little hang wringers like you. What a refreshing change.

  85. 85
    JH230923495834 says:

    Next – London, Birmingham and Manchester.

    It’s almost worthwhile letting it happen just to watch lefties indulging in a bit of white flight while frantically trying to make it look otherwise.

  86. 86
    Ann S Cannibalis says:

    One is very much into recycling.

  87. 87
    This is NOT "un coup d'etat" says:

    ” un coup d’être ” ??? More like “un coup monté

  88. 88
    Lexi Cographer says:

    Dually – we have a coalition government, remember.

  89. 89
    Eric Joyce says:

    After a drophead coup, eh ?

  90. 90
    everyone else says:

    when are you going to fuck off

  91. 91
    Phil says:

    Speaking as a plebeian, which I do not personally regard as an insult, my distinct impression of Heywood’s explanation is that he is a complete,fcuking drip and if he personifies what it takes to be the head of the civil service then god help us all.

  92. 92
    private sector tax-payer says:

    What is Jeremy Heywood’s salary and what pension will he receive?

  93. 93
    lojolondon says:

    We have the worst and most expensive railway services on the planet BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT CHARGES RAIL COMPANIES £5 BILLION FOR A FRANCHISE FOR A SINGLE RAIL LINE

    Where do you want to go next, Pillock??

  94. 94
    yeravinalaff says:

    Is that the NHS that leaves patients lying in pools of their own piss and shit, is infested with c.Diff and MRSA, that lets patients die of malnutrition and dehydration, and alledgedly allows someone charge them £150 for changing a light bulb?

  95. 95
    Those who would sacrifice freedom for security deserve neither says:

    Every corrupt, oppressive military junta and police state in the history of the universe arose because of odious little fuckwits such as you.

  96. 96
    siddus snottus says:

    When the police decide who can be in government, that’s what we call a police state.

  97. 97
    just sayin' says:

    It’s already happened in London – 45% white Brits.

  98. 98
    A pint says:

    … which neatly explains why half of British industry no longer exists.

  99. 99
    left wing, right wing, it's all the same bird! says:

    Engineers build the world,

    PPE GRADUATES just “cluck” it up

    get a real job!

  100. 100
    inside- out says:

    Heywood is a career fuckwit,as are most of his ilk .The Great British public deserve better for their tax monies,but there again the civil service deserve better political masters.We lose on both counts, neither of these groups could work anywhere else.The end is nigh.

  101. 101
    inside- out says:

    When official Government figures say 863,000 illegal immigrants in UK,mainly in London.You just know to arrive at the true figure double that.Why would anybody be amazed at the lack of white English anywhere?

  102. 102
    left wing, right wing, it's all the same bird! says:

    i thought Jack Straw did away with Treason as a charge?

    little favour for Toe-nail Blier i guess (if he did)

  103. 103
    Baldy says:

    The Met produced a high ranking Pleb policeman to gloat over the conviction of an intelligent female officer in the phonehacking trial. Strange how the Met hasn’t been able to find a male officer to prosecute. I thought Scotland Yard employed detectives!

  104. 104
    Do Not Rely on the BBC says:


    There is a need today to get One’s facts right when changing the terms of a Contract.

  105. 105
    Anonymous says:

    Apparently she mightent go to prison as she is in the process of adopting a 3 year old ! it would be interesting to hear when that started !

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