Friday Caption Contest (One in the Eye Edition)
Mum Talked Down Woolwich Terrorists | Telegraph
How the Tories Can Win in 2015 | Harry Phibbs
View From Lord Bell’s Summer Party | Speccie
What Dave, Ed and Nick Want You to Hear | James Kirkup
In Praise of Apple’s Tax Plan | Daniel Mitchell
Christine Blower Can’t Do Maths | Toby Young
Cameron is Having a Shocker | Iain Martin
UKIP Still Back Flat Tax | London Loves Business
Dave Will Probably Win in 2015 | Dan Hodges
EU’s Tax Harmonisation Agenda | Dan Hannan
Tories Have Always Sneered at Party Faithful | Simon Heffer
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Ai Weiwei in China fighting the taxman…
“Under totalitarian rule, no one is protected by law. We will all be the same helpless victims. When a country insists on its lies, it’s time for an artist to bring forth change.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
I spy with my little eye something beginning with Nick Nack
So Jim, I hear you’ve been playing the Generation Game.
Jim, get your finger out of my arse now!
Chas:”Good news. I have just had an eye transplant. Bad news. It was Jimmy Savile’s eye.”
From the right:
See no evil.
Speak no evil.
Just plain evil.
(Allegedly)
One has only one eye, not including my j a p s.
Michelle: “You’ll have to excuse Jim, he’s got a monstrous carbuncle on his bum.”
Who the hell is michelle. ???!
I thought thhe. Bint was patsy kensit. !!
Definitely not Di, I can tell you that for sure.
Where did you get the Chalkie Eye from??
I forgot to change hands at 99. But i don’t care if i do go blind.
“Dont worry Charles, Jim will fix it”
+1.
PC Savage comes back to his Met copshop and tells the Super “Yeh, we’ve got ‘im, he’s in the interview room at the moment, guv”.
The Super says “Good work PC, let me have a look at him”.
And then the Super said “Jim Savile I said you plonker, PC Savage, Savile!”.
PC Savage of the Met, for those who were too young and were in bed then, or were just not born yet, and just a twinkle in your daddies balls,
This makes no sense.
Stupid boy. It’s Jim’ll fix it.
No, that was Savile. And anyway, one should not engage in colloquial speech with Royalty in formal settings, as this would smack of a familiarity to which one ought not presume. Hence, one should sp*eak the (future) King’s English when one is with him, and eschew such things as contractions. “Kebab Time,” for all his other failings, at least knows his manners when around Royalty. One half-wit dealing with another, one might wish to call it.
Not a bad one Kebab – will win it with in the middle of the road humour here. But don’t ask me which road. Jimmy liked getting out and giving his gongs out, to keep them happy.
it was pathetic again
Talk about me molesting kiddies again and I’ll take your other eye..
Prince Charles got an Eye Pad for Christmas
+1111111111111
Winner
He’s already won once and this is soooooo predictable.
Is that you, Kebab Time?
Fucking brilliant – IMHO.
In the land of the blind the one eyed ruler rules
“My footman said he was coming on a lash with me, and he did”
Blimey Sir, you had her as well??
“Charlie, I know we agreed the establishment would turn a blind eye, but not literally you thick twat”
Jim Davidson “Not a bad impersonation of Moishe dayan,except that he wore a black eyepatch,Your Majesty.”
Since when was Charles King?
1649 to 1685 (if you ignore the Republican interregnum).
After we had disposed of the previous one of the same name, who had reigned too long for any good he had been doing lately.
One should watch where one is giving one one !
Dewthinkesaurus
pachycephalosaurus?
“I wanted to see things from Gordon Brown’s perspective.”
“You’re not a patch on Kate”
I see no shits.
“Ah Jim can you stop sending me love notes, me and maggie have had enough from Jimmy aleady”
Give it a rest, old chap, we’re supposed to be off duty.
I read somewhere that one eyed people are extremely virile sexually and terribly funny.
P C : One should watch where one is giving one one
JD : How was i to know Jim fixed it for you to be a tampon ?
Shoulda gave the kid a penny for the Guy, Chuckles…
“Jim will you be attending the Tory conferance this year”
“Conferance” Moussa Tossa?
I got this from my wife, where as you used to do it to your wife
I’ve listened to Ed Scrotum now on Sky News but I still don’t know where these jobs are going to come from?
Is he really suggesting that people should work for minimum wage doing jobs that should be done by people on say a living wage?
Didn’t the BBC and Newsnight spend most of last year attacking the Tories for the same thing?
Now we know why Labour never disclose their policies. They are just like the coalition ones.
Standard tactics for opposition parties as it gets nearer to an GE;steal the policies of the government.
It fools some of the electorate but it also has the implication they think the policy is a good one
There are even tales going around that certain Liebore orgaisations don’t even pay their interns at all
Balls has already spent the money to fund this at least twice already but then again he’s also spent the proposed Banker’s Bonus Tax at least 4 times…no wonder the country was in a fucking financial mess in May 2010
Saw the same,Balls is off his trolley.Spending this amount of taxpayers money for what is effectively job experience with no job in prospect.Governments dont create jobs you silly twat have you learned nothing from your 13 years in power.Bals is the Torys secret weapon at the next election he hasnt a clue,if Cameron can get his finger out and start promoting conservative policies and concentrate on the benefit and welfare culture it wiil be a shoe in come 2015 and if he cant the Tories have to get rid and soon,begin by dropping this gay marriage bollocks.
Er….who the hell in their right mind would want to employ these people? Many of them don’t want to work. They are shiftless and idle. Training them will cost a fortune and be pointless. They will be disruptive and look for every attempt to go sick or sue us.
Balls and Labour created this useless rabble It’s their problem, not employers
In the land of the Blind, the one eyed man is King !
Winner
You are refering to McBroon?
Inter caecos regnat luscus.
fit subject for a pun?
All i said was, Mother don’t you think it’s time I had a go…
I am so wanting to put something
Yes it is self inflicted , someone told me
that “in the land of the blind , the one eyed man is king
Voice off: “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King. Unfortunately Charlie, one is not blind, and neither is one’s country..”
Ha*rry and Wills will be going to the Falklands on their next posting, you’re familiar with the islands, entertaining the troops what what, maybe you could accompany them, but I guess this time its best you stay on for a while.
Use your good eye to see how I’m thrilling the blonde Chas.
Yes Erm one was polishing Kates keyhole !
Charles to blonde: “I hurt my eye playing poker with Camellia, could you tell me, have you seen an unfunny, molesting ginger git anywhere?”
Eye spy a peadophile
MaxC mum xposure
“Shits? I see no shits ?”
Charles: I didn’t see you coming.
Jim: Fortunately, neither did the police…
I was having a 69 with Camila when her cock poked me in the eye !
hahahahahaha
It was my ciggie actually.
I was smoking it with my prehensile cock
A game of Blind Mans Buff was the perfect ruse to grope ladies.
I see no comedians.
Yo turning a blind eye too Charlie !
Tell me who does one do?
I see no sex pest!
Prince Charles’ joke about his masonic one-eyed trouser snake put the willies up the both of them.
Michelle was astonished to hear how much the Prince knew about the braking system of a Mercedes W140.
So..I heard this joke..Jim Davidson and Jimmy Saville and Dave Lee Travis and Cyrill Smith are in a pub, and they order a half pint and ..
HRH: “A natural comedian like you can’t be afraid of going to prison, Jim. Your hilarious ‘Chalky’ accent will help you fit in with the other inmates straightaway . . .”
Can you show me some of your videos on this eye pad!
Eye Pad not compatible with PDF Files
You’re wasted on here, aren’t you dear? Shouldn’t you be roaming the streets bringing cheer to the homeless?
Charles: “Get a ring on your finger, love!”
(5 minutes earlier)
Charles: “Is there any truth in you sleeping with all those co-presenters? And how is John Virgo these days?”
Hmmm, a ginger bloke and a dim looking blonde, why am I getting deja vu?
As papa says, now I can only see half the darkies and chinkies in this country
Ah Mr Davidson As commander in chief of the royal regiment of Wales i would like to thank you for all your hard work entertaining the troops
Fink nuffin of it mate it was my pleasure especially The Girl Guide and Brownie Troops
nick nick nick nick
HRH: “So Jim, John Virgo tells me you could be facing up to six years in prison for potting the pink.”
“Erhm, somehow one thought that you would be, ah, younger.”
Charles: So, how old were you when you discovered Jim’s 18 incher ?
…..one does not shove ones sandwich into the eye of the prince regent when it was the ginger git who grabbed ones behind
Charles wonders if his attempt to emulate Nelson is well received.
I’ll see you right.
Do my ears look big in this?
Charles “Jim. Are you sure my eye will fit there?”
Have you come far?
“Sorry maddam, I cant see what that man is doing with his hands”
” When I said I’d changed my mind about being re-incarnated as a tampon, she poked me in the eye with one. “
“Don’t worry Jim, I’ll turn a blind eye to it.”
You think this is bad?
You should see Camilla.
I see no evil.
“I asked mama how she was feeling”
Would you like to see the one eyed monster?
PC: And what do you do
JD: Errrrrrrrr
Blond Bird: He does me, since I was 13… Sigh…
“I called him a dick and he whacked me with his crosier”
Bred by the Queen and wearing blinkers, the winner Nick Nicked The Goose to the line in the Sinning Stakes
Pinching Sienna’s bum is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, wouldn’t you say your Highness?
One got poked in the eye by a polo stick, as one does.
” Yah! In Afganistan. Close call. “
” Yah, an arrow, Hastings, could have changed the course of history “
Tried to visit Camilla up the back passage in the palace, and she scratched my eye out.
I am recovering from constipation induced sciatica cuased by drinking half a bottle of Pepto Bismol
Jim: Your highness, here’s a goose for you to partially gander!
Charles: … and who do you do?
Obnoxious git: anyone I can, sir.
Charles: So I see.
http://bluecollartories.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/the-political-compass-test/
I love Maggie!
Lady said.’Daahlin’ I’m going cock-eyed looking at you!’
That kered chappie really does possess THE most boring internet moniker, don’t you think? Tiresome fellow.
“Hmm! One is seriously considering not giving out anymore gongs to anyone who has Jim anywhere in their Christian name the way things are going!”
Haven’t had a chance to thank you Jim for talking my two kiddies to the zoo all those years ago. They came home worn out – couldn’t get a word out of them.
That’s a great Gordon Brown impression Charlie boy.
“…Yah! Pure coincidence. Rescued by helicopter by my own son! “
Charles “I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Camiila’s aim is perfect”
The patch? I was told you spray a lot! Oh! I see only when your shagging, not your act, how quaint.
“Yah; the valet; shaving my eyebrows”
The Queen asked me to keep an eye out for Philip.
Yes. A flying F5 button. Said he was on tablets.
Jim: What did you do to your eye, Charlie boy? One went wild on you?
HRH: Nooo, one fell over.
Jim: Yeh, of course (and winks).
O/T
Meanwhile on Masterchef
http://twitpic.com/bsf3nb
Xmas in french Switzerland was it Guido, counting yout tax havened bucks while you were there? meh wee!
Appropriate advert for Gaviscon alongside.
With chips sir?
On the Twelfth Lunch of Christmas…
“They tell me it is the UK’s first eyebrow transplantation. “
“One prefers to see no evil….”
“Whacked by a branch, mind you I had sworn at it “
I spy, with my remaining eye, something beginning with P.
“What a coincidence, your Highness. I’ve just poked a brown-eye, too”
Jim Davidson’s demonstrates the finger up the bum sanitary towel removal technique to Prince Charles
Wandering eye problem, Jim? Try these blinkers my sister Anne gave me to wear …
Well, Jim, I was at one of Guido’s lunches…
This brings a tear to my eye to see the great lady tearing apart the socialists
She rips the guys larger arseholes.
Pity no MP has her charisma and and response. Our leaders are shit on all parties.
Hughes still talking utter bollocks on the economy after 23 years…nothing has changed apart from his hairline
Welcome to Cameron’s Britain
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2256796/Rows-boarded-terraced-houses-Accrington-brought-life-10m-revamp.html
Dat’s Fatcher’s fault innit
We can help keep children safe, Goode argues, “by allowing p*edophiles to be ordinary members of society, with moral standards like everyone else”, and by “respecting and valuing those p*edophiles who choose self-restraint”.
Never done us no harm
BUT THEY ARE NOT ORDINARY MEMBERS OF SOCIETY…THEY ARE GENERALLY RECIDIVIST PERVERTS
Prince Charlies left eye redacted by censors.
Man of the peoples NHS experiment solves his Gout problem.
I’d sent 13 soft-boiled eggs back before his patience finally snapped.
♪♫♪♪♫♪ Don’t cry for me, Hugo Chávez ♪♫♪♪♫♪
♫♫♫♫ It started with a cist, never thought it would grow as big as this! ♫♫♫♫
Cyst: I just grew up with a slight bump not realising that it would develop into a prince…
Searching for cists is an exciting way to discover new landscapes, unusual spots, and weird but also beautiful places.
OK. Just don’t call me puss any more…
Charlie:
I started a relationship with a teenager once, but that didn’t work out very well either…
“Well I was given to understand she was over sixteen at the time, Jim.”
That’s diet coke and mentos off the menu.
I had an accident whilst Lacey Banghard was at the highse.
She’s currently 3-1 on to win Celebrity Belly Button. My advice is to get in there before things get even tighter.
“Jimmy Saville did what?”
“Personally I prefer ‘em a bit more on the mature side and marinated in gin”
O/T
The Church of England has dropped its prohibition on gay clergy becoming bishops.
The announcement, from the Church’s House of Bishops, would allow clergy in civil partnerships to become bishops if they promised to be celibate.
Where does mutual masturbation stand.
Does celibate include kiddy-fiddling?
….and if they ‘ fall by the wayside’ and break their promise, are they stripped ( so to speak )?
I am sure that Rowan will be touched by that.
An Edict will be issued at the Diet of Atkinson.
Surely the question is who gets defrocked?
I hear you also like to keep an eye out for a pretty girl, Jim.
Women eh?
O/T When will Guido and co get their desserts?
O/T Has anyone heard how Huhne got on?
Kiss me Hardie.
Low-life meets high brow?
One got a one infection.
I told Camilla if you don’t watch out you will put someones eye out with that bloddy thing, and that is the last time she wears the “strap-on”
The world’s former fattest man is urging doctors to do another operation to help him get rid of eight stone of excess skin. J*hn Pr*sc*tt, 74, from H*ll, went from 70 stone to 25 stone after an NHS operation in 2010 cut the size of his stomach.
They could get rid of two stone of ugly fat by cutting his head off.
Brain missing so no good for medical research.
Watched Ricky Gervais’ Science again last night on telly, Ricky Live and all that, and he says he has no skeletons in his closet, but it is early days yet.
That joke of his of the little girl meeting that strange bloke in the park always gets me in stitches, in when she tells her dad “well, he took me around the corner”, and her dad asks “And?”, and she says “well, nothing happened”. And her dad says “well make something up”, panting in an excited way.
if its being given to me i don’t care what y’call it – now get on with it
are you shitting comfortably? then i’ll begin
Jim Davison on Jackanory?
“There was these two little boys, with two little toys….”
Jackanory? google it – christ I am showing my age again… Apologies under 35s.
Jim to Prince: and if you thought my material was filth you should read what the Guardian printed yesterday !
I was testing the theory that your jokes are worse than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. They are.
I always remember in Slovakia giving the adage “it is better than a kick up the pants” and being told we in Slovakia have a similar saying “Better than a rusty nail in the eye”
PoW: “And how far back does your memory go?”
Bad Comedian: “Not as far back as your parting, mush”
Dumb Blonde: “Cor! Speshul, innit!”
That little ginger bugger of mine, always pissed! Nearly took my eye out with his helicopter blade.
I’d rather stick a needle in my eye than meet Jim Davidson.
Unfunny comedian: “Give us a ‘K’ and one can have one, Sir. Nick, Nick !”
One-eyed Prince: “Thanks, but eye don’t do pretty blondes.”
Pretty blonde: “I have to say I am outraged – ‘cos all this botox has frozen
my face.”
I see no shits.
And I moaned “D, D, Diana I’m arriving….” then Cammy dearest thumped me in the eye
Does my bum look big in this?
And what do you do ?
Thirteen year olds mostly..
JD: “Nah, yer maj, I said I’m off to DOOB Eye, geddit?
HRH CW: They told me I was meeting Jamal Fuckwit. When of course it is Jim’ll Fuck shit!
HRH to unfunny comedian, and pretty blonde with frozen face;
“Ah, one seems to have left one’s makeshift blinkers on. One has to wear them when one is bonking one’s horsey wife.”
The mental image of Jim being involved with the Savile’s sickening crimes against kids is being conjured up revoltingly. Except he wasn’t. Not at all.
It’s only when you read between the lines it becomes clear that Jim’s alleged ‘offences’ had nothing to do with Savile or any form of child abuse. Davidson has been questioned about claims made by two women “in their mid-twenties” during the 80s: something that might have happened between adults more than 25 years ago; something that will almost certainly boil down to their word against his.
Why is this happening? Why is Davidson being dragged through the dirt? I think the motive is to make the cops look good. They couldn’t get Savile but look at all the front pages they’re generating now…
When Davidson is found to be innocent, as I suspect he will be, will he be entitled to any compensation? Suspicion, hearsay and public humiliation is no doubt costing him a packet no doubt to the delight of many of Davidson’s left-wing haters. How they delight in running him down!
Slurring his character and questioning his skill as a comedian. Left wing ‘comedians’ hate Jim of his politics – not only is he a working class boy made good, he’s a working class Tory.
Get orf your soap box and get a life. We are only fucking about….
“Mummy was playing strip polker with the minions again – the old gal was so tanked up on Gin, her shot was a bit orf & when she flung off her reinforced bra it almost had one’s royal eye out Jim”
I got this at a re-enactment of The Battle of Hastings some fucker nearly had my eye out.
Wind,mills? I see no windmills!
“Both Camilla and I forgot that she had left her spurs on until…’this’…”
“Yes, Jim. I am wearing an eyepatch. However, the difference between Lord Leveson and myself is that he wears two eye patches!”
Wey Hey! With that patch on his eye he can’t see where my hand is!
OK, so you are having a bad time at the moment. But look on the brightside Jim, at least people are laughing at you…..Which is something that has never happened to you before.
Charles: “Camilla bought one a bookmark for Christmas!”
Jim: “To stop you bending the pages over?”
Charles: “Yes. Fat fucking chance of that happening!”