January 4th, 2013

Friday Caption Contest (One in the Eye Edition)


  1. 1
    EC1 PhD says:

    I spy with my little eye something beginning with Nick Nack

  2. 2
    Chris John says:

    Where did you get the Chalkie Eye from??

  3. 3
    Kebab Time says:

    “Dont worry Charles, Jim will fix it”

    • 44
      genghiz the kahn says:


      • 175
        It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

        PC Savage comes back to his Met copshop and tells the Super “Yeh, we’ve got ‘im, he’s in the interview room at the moment, guv”.

        The Super says “Good work PC, let me have a look at him”.

        And then the Super said “Jim Savile I said you plonker, PC Savage, Savile!”.

        • 179
          It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

          PC Savage of the Met, for those who were too young and were in bed then, or were just not born yet, and just a twinkle in your daddies balls,

        • 201
          infidel says:

          This makes no sense.

    • 46
      Mrs Apostrophe says:

      Stupid boy. It’s Jim’ll fix it.

      • 118
        Mr Picky-Picky says:

        No, that was Savile. And anyway, one should not engage in colloquial speech with Royalty in formal settings, as this would smack of a familiarity to which one ought not presume. Hence, one should sp*eak the (future) King’s English when one is with him, and eschew such things as contractions. “Kebab Time,” for all his other failings, at least knows his manners when around Royalty. One half-wit dealing with another, one might wish to call it.

        • 174
          It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

          Not a bad one Kebab – will win it with in the middle of the road humour here. But don’t ask me which road. Jimmy liked getting out and giving his gongs out, to keep them happy.

  4. 4
    Andy says:

    Talk about me molesting kiddies again and I’ll take your other eye..

  5. 5
    Steve Miliband says:

    Prince Charles got an Eye Pad for Christmas

  6. 6
    Tuscan Tony says:

    “My footman said he was coming on a lash with me, and he did”

  7. 7
    I Squiggle says:

    Blimey Sir, you had her as well??

  8. 8
    Mike Litorus says:

    “Charlie, I know we agreed the establishment would turn a blind eye, but not literally you thick twat”

  9. 9
    Owen Jones says:

    Jim Davidson “Not a bad impersonation of Moishe dayan,except that he wore a black eyepatch,Your Majesty.”

  10. 10

    One should watch where one is giving one one !

  11. 11
    Steve Miliband says:


  12. 12
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “I wanted to see things from Gordon Brown’s perspective.”

  13. 13
    Gez says:

    “You’re not a patch on Kate”

  14. 14
    VoteUkip says:

    I see no shits.

  15. 15
    Moussa Koussa Mark 3 says:

    “Ah Jim can you stop sending me love notes, me and maggie have had enough from Jimmy aleady”

  16. 16

    P C : One should watch where one is giving one one
    JD : How was i to know Jim fixed it for you to be a tampon ?

  17. 17
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Shoulda gave the kid a penny for the Guy, Chuckles…

  18. 18
    Moussa Koussa Mark 3 says:

    “Jim will you be attending the Tory conferance this year”

  19. 19
    roundell says:

    I got this from my wife, where as you used to do it to your wife

  20. 20
    Operation Crossbow says:

    I’ve listened to Ed Scrotum now on Sky News but I still don’t know where these jobs are going to come from?

    Is he really suggesting that people should work for minimum wage doing jobs that should be done by people on say a living wage?

    Didn’t the BBC and Newsnight spend most of last year attacking the Tories for the same thing?

    • 27
      VoteUkip says:

      Now we know why Labour never disclose their policies. They are just like the coalition ones.

      • 143
        Anonymous says:

        Standard tactics for opposition parties as it gets nearer to an GE;steal the policies of the government.
        It fools some of the electorate but it also has the implication they think the policy is a good one

    • 78
      Old Fella says:

      There are even tales going around that certain Liebore orgaisations don’t even pay their interns at all

    • 186
      Labour Economics says:

      Balls has already spent the money to fund this at least twice already but then again he’s also spent the proposed Banker’s Bonus Tax at least 4 times…no wonder the country was in a fucking financial mess in May 2010

    • 188
      2013 is going to be bleak in sunderland as the benefit caps kick in says:

      Saw the same,Balls is off his trolley.Spending this amount of taxpayers money for what is effectively job experience with no job in prospect.Governments dont create jobs you silly twat have you learned nothing from your 13 years in power.Bals is the Torys secret weapon at the next election he hasnt a clue,if Cameron can get his finger out and start promoting conservative policies and concentrate on the benefit and welfare culture it wiil be a shoe in come 2015 and if he cant the Tories have to get rid and soon,begin by dropping this gay marriage bollocks.

      • 211
        Damned Impertinent Questions says:

        Er….who the hell in their right mind would want to employ these people? Many of them don’t want to work. They are shiftless and idle. Training them will cost a fortune and be pointless. They will be disruptive and look for every attempt to go sick or sue us.

        Balls and Labour created this useless rabble It’s their problem, not employers

  21. 21
    green giant says:

    In the land of the Blind, the one eyed man is King !

  22. 22
    ed martin says:

    fit subject for a pun?

  23. 23
    solly says:

    All i said was, Mother don’t you think it’s time I had a go…

  24. 24
    Pau1 Burrell says:

    I am so wanting to put something :D

  25. 25

    Yes it is self inflicted , someone told me
    that “in the land of the blind , the one eyed man is king

  26. 26
    I Squiggle says:

    Voice off: “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King. Unfortunately Charlie, one is not blind, and neither is one’s country..”

  27. 28
    Moussa Koussa Mark 3 says:

    Ha*rry and Wills will be going to the Falklands on their next posting, you’re familiar with the islands, entertaining the troops what what, maybe you could accompany them, but I guess this time its best you stay on for a while.

  28. 29
    essexjames says:

    Use your good eye to see how I’m thrilling the blonde Chas.

  29. 30
    Moussa Koussa Mark 3 says:

  30. 31

    Yes Erm one was polishing Kates keyhole !

  31. 33
    Hanukkas Bazzokas (A Greek Gentleman) says:

    Charles to blonde: “I hurt my eye playing poker with Camellia, could you tell me, have you seen an unfunny, molesting ginger git anywhere?”

  32. 34
    DarkLordofSpin says:

    Eye spy a peadophile

  33. 35
    gojam says:

    “Shits? I see no shits ?”

  34. 36
    Anonymous says:

    Charles: I didn’t see you coming.

    Jim: Fortunately, neither did the police…

  35. 37

    I was having a 69 with Camila when her cock poked me in the eye !

  36. 38
    Party Games says:

    A game of Blind Mans Buff was the perfect ruse to grope ladies.

  37. 39
    Anonymous says:

    I see no comedians.

  38. 41
    Neil Watkins says:

    Yo turning a blind eye too Charlie !

  39. 43
    steve smith says:

    Tell me who does one do?

  40. 47
    Anonymous says:

    I see no sex pest!

  41. 48
    Anonymous says:

    Prince Charles’ joke about his masonic one-eyed trouser snake put the willies up the both of them.

  42. 49
    Sir William says:

    Michelle was astonished to hear how much the Prince knew about the braking system of a Mercedes W140.

  43. 50
    Dianne ASBOT says:

    So..I heard this joke..Jim Davidson and Jimmy Saville and Dave Lee Travis and Cyrill Smith are in a pub, and they order a half pint and ..

  44. 52
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    HRH: “A natural comedian like you can’t be afraid of going to prison, Jim. Your hilarious ‘Chalky’ accent will help you fit in with the other inmates straightaway . . .”

  45. 54
    Heezahgeezah says:

    Can you show me some of your videos on this eye pad!

  46. 55
    Steve Miliband says:

    Eye Pad not compatible with PDF Files

    • 146
      Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

      You’re wasted on here, aren’t you dear? Shouldn’t you be roaming the streets bringing cheer to the homeless?

  47. 56
    Sir William says:

    Charles: “Get a ring on your finger, love!”

  48. 57

    (5 minutes earlier)
    Charles: “Is there any truth in you sleeping with all those co-presenters? And how is John Virgo these days?”

  49. 59
    Charlie says:

    Hmmm, a ginger bloke and a dim looking blonde, why am I getting deja vu?

  50. 61
    All Pine Cus In says:

    As papa says, now I can only see half the darkies and chinkies in this country

  51. 62

    Ah Mr Davidson As commander in chief of the royal regiment of Wales i would like to thank you for all your hard work entertaining the troops

    Fink nuffin of it mate it was my pleasure especially The Girl Guide and Brownie Troops

    nick nick nick nick

  52. 64
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    HRH: “So Jim, John Virgo tells me you could be facing up to six years in prison for potting the pink.”

  53. 65
    Sir William says:

    “Erhm, somehow one thought that you would be, ah, younger.”

  54. 66
    Anonymous says:

    Charles: So, how old were you when you discovered Jim’s 18 incher ?

  55. 67
    Hanukkas Bazzokas (A Greek Gentleman) says:

    …..one does not shove ones sandwich into the eye of the prince regent when it was the ginger git who grabbed ones behind

  56. 69
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    Charles wonders if his attempt to emulate Nelson is well received.

  57. 70

    I’ll see you right.

  58. 73

    Do my ears look big in this?

  59. 75
    look no hands says:

    Charles “Jim. Are you sure my eye will fit there?”

  60. 76
    PC Savage says:

    Have you come far?

  61. 77
    Formally known as HRH says:

    “Sorry maddam, I cant see what that man is doing with his hands”

  62. 79
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    ” When I said I’d changed my mind about being re-incarnated as a tampon, she poked me in the eye with one. “

  63. 80
    Mrs B says:

    “Don’t worry Jim, I’ll turn a blind eye to it.”

  64. 83
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    You think this is bad?
    You should see Camilla.

  65. 84
    The Prince says:

    I see no evil.

  66. 85
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “I asked mama how she was feeling”

  67. 87
    Raving Loon says:

    Would you like to see the one eyed monster?

  68. 89
    Leroy_Jenkins says:

    PC: And what do you do
    JD: Errrrrrrrr
    Blond Bird: He does me, since I was 13… Sigh…

  69. 90
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “I called him a dick and he whacked me with his crosier”

  70. 91
    EC1 PhD says:

    Bred by the Queen and wearing blinkers, the winner Nick Nicked The Goose to the line in the Sinning Stakes

  71. 92
    towerofbabble says:

    Pinching Sienna’s bum is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, wouldn’t you say your Highness?

  72. 93
    It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

    One got poked in the eye by a polo stick, as one does.

  73. 94
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    ” Yah! In Afganistan. Close call. “

  74. 95
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    ” Yah, an arrow, Hastings, could have changed the course of history “

  75. 96
    It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

    Tried to visit Camilla up the back passage in the palace, and she scratched my eye out.

  76. 97
    Dr Shitetalk says:

    I am recovering from constipation induced sciatica cuased by drinking half a bottle of Pepto Bismol

  77. 98
    Anonymous says:

    Jim: Your highness, here’s a goose for you to partially gander!

  78. 99
    Stitch says:

    Charles: … and who do you do?
    Obnoxious git: anyone I can, sir.
    Charles: So I see.

  79. 100
  80. 101
    Nick Nick says:

    I love Maggie!

  81. 102
    keredybretsa says:

    Lady said.’Daahlin’ I’m going cock-eyed looking at you!’

    • 166
      HRH says:

      That kered chappie really does possess THE most boring internet moniker, don’t you think? Tiresome fellow.

  82. 104
    Peter Grant says:

    “Hmm! One is seriously considering not giving out anymore gongs to anyone who has Jim anywhere in their Christian name the way things are going!”

  83. 105
    It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

    Haven’t had a chance to thank you Jim for talking my two kiddies to the zoo all those years ago. They came home worn out – couldn’t get a word out of them.

  84. 106
    Operation Crossbow says:

    That’s a great Gordon Brown impression Charlie boy.

  85. 108
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “…Yah! Pure coincidence. Rescued by helicopter by my own son! “

  86. 109
    Martin Day says:

    Charles “I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Camiila’s aim is perfect”

  87. 110
    Observer says:

    The patch? I was told you spray a lot! Oh! I see only when your shagging, not your act, how quaint.

  88. 113
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “Yah; the valet; shaving my eyebrows”

  89. 114
    Mr Plum says:

    The Queen asked me to keep an eye out for Philip.

  90. 115
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    Yes. A flying F5 button. Said he was on tablets.

  91. 116
    It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

    Jim: What did you do to your eye, Charlie boy? One went wild on you?

    HRH: Nooo, one fell over.

    Jim: Yeh, of course (and winks).

  92. 117
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:


    Meanwhile on Masterchef


  93. 123
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “They tell me it is the UK’s first eyebrow transplantation. “

  94. 124
    Engineer says:

    “One prefers to see no evil….”

  95. 125
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    “Whacked by a branch, mind you I had sworn at it “

  96. 127
    HMMM says:

    I spy, with my remaining eye, something beginning with P.

  97. 128
    geoffers says:

    “What a coincidence, your Highness. I’ve just poked a brown-eye, too”

  98. 129
    Dr Shitetalk says:

    Jim Davidson’s demonstrates the finger up the bum sanitary towel removal technique to Prince Charles

  99. 130
    Lizzie says:

    Wandering eye problem, Jim? Try these blinkers my sister Anne gave me to wear …

  100. 131

    Well, Jim, I was at one of Guido’s lunches…

  101. 132
    Moussa Koussa Mark 3 says:

    This brings a tear to my eye to see the great lady tearing apart the socialists

    • 159
      Maqboul says:

      She rips the guys larger arseholes.

      • 198
        Pundit too too says:

        Pity no MP has her charisma and and response. Our leaders are shit on all parties.

    • 187
      LibDems ..the party for all seasons says:

      Hughes still talking utter bollocks on the economy after 23 years…nothing has changed apart from his hairline

  102. 133
  103. 134
    The Guardian says:

    We can help keep children safe, Goode argues, “by allowing p*edophiles to be ordinary members of society, with moral standards like everyone else”, and by “respecting and valuing those p*edophiles who choose self-restraint”.

    • 139
      Priceless Princess Po-face Polytwaddle + Hatty HaPerson says:

      Never done us no harm

    • 192
      Damned Impertinent Questions says:


  104. 135
    HMMM says:

    Prince Charlies left eye redacted by censors.

  105. 136
    HMMM says:

    Man of the peoples NHS experiment solves his Gout problem.

  106. 137
    Ah! Monika 2013 says:

    I’d sent 13 soft-boiled eggs back before his patience finally snapped.

  107. 137

    ♪♫♪♪♫♪ Don’t cry for me, Hugo Chávez ♪♫♪♪♫♪

  108. 141
    Sicko says:


    I started a relationship with a teenager once, but that didn’t work out very well either…

  109. 142
    Fitbad the Tailor says:

    “Well I was given to understand she was over sixteen at the time, Jim.”

  110. 144
    Hal Godwinson says:

    That’s diet coke and mentos off the menu.

  111. 145

    I had an accident whilst Lacey Banghard was at the highse.

    • 155
      Paddy Powder says:

      She’s currently 3-1 on to win Celebrity Belly Button. My advice is to get in there before things get even tighter.

  112. 147
    dick dastardardly mp says:

    “Jimmy Saville did what?”

  113. 149
    dick dastardardly mp says:

    “Personally I prefer ‘em a bit more on the mature side and marinated in gin”

  114. 150
    Archbishop of Canterbury says:


    The Church of England has dropped its prohibition on gay clergy becoming bishops.
    The announcement, from the Church’s House of Bishops, would allow clergy in civil partnerships to become bishops if they promised to be celibate.
    Where does mutual masturbation stand.

    Does celibate include kiddy-fiddling?

  115. 152
    Barry says:

    I hear you also like to keep an eye out for a pretty girl, Jim.

  116. 158
    Spook says:

    Women eh?

  117. 161

    O/T When will Guido and co get their desserts?

  118. 162
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat (not his sockpuppet) says:

    O/T Has anyone heard how Huhne got on?

  119. 163
    a non says:

    Kiss me Hardie.

  120. 165
    STROPPYCOW says:

    Low-life meets high brow?

  121. 167
    VoteUkip says:

    One got a one infection.

  122. 169
    ME. says:

    I told Camilla if you don’t watch out you will put someones eye out with that bloddy thing, and that is the last time she wears the “strap-on”

  123. 170

    The world’s former fattest man is urging doctors to do another operation to help him get rid of eight stone of excess skin. J*hn Pr*sc*tt, 74, from H*ll, went from 70 stone to 25 stone after an NHS operation in 2010 cut the size of his stomach.

  124. 171
    It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

    Watched Ricky Gervais’ Science again last night on telly, Ricky Live and all that, and he says he has no skeletons in his closet, but it is early days yet.

    That joke of his of the little girl meeting that strange bloke in the park always gets me in stitches, in when she tells her dad “well, he took me around the corner”, and her dad asks “And?”, and she says “well, nothing happened”. And her dad says “well make something up”, panting in an excited way.

  125. 173
    Ed 'Wunashun' Millibland says:
    • 178
      sir boffton toffton mp - what says:

      if its being given to me i don’t care what y’call it – now get on with it

  126. 176
    a popular entertainer says:

    are you shitting comfortably? then i’ll begin

    • 180
      It was the best of times it was the most crappy of times says:

      Jim Davison on Jackanory?

      “There was these two little boys, with two little toys….”

      Jackanory? google it – christ I am showing my age again… Apologies under 35s.

  127. 181
    PIE reborn says:

    Jim to Prince: and if you thought my material was filth you should read what the Guardian printed yesterday !

  128. 182
    ReefKnot says:

    I was testing the theory that your jokes are worse than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. They are.

    • 200
      Pundit too too says:

      I always remember in Slovakia giving the adage “it is better than a kick up the pants” and being told we in Slovakia have a similar saying “Better than a rusty nail in the eye”

  129. 183
    idle says:

    PoW: “And how far back does your memory go?”
    Bad Comedian: “Not as far back as your parting, mush”
    Dumb Blonde: “Cor! Speshul, innit!”

  130. 185
    verticalwater says:

    That little ginger bugger of mine, always pissed! Nearly took my eye out with his helicopter blade.

  131. 189
    Failed Prince says:

    I’d rather stick a needle in my eye than meet Jim Davidson.

  132. 190
    StevieBC says:

    Unfunny comedian: “Give us a ‘K’ and one can have one, Sir. Nick, Nick !”

    One-eyed Prince: “Thanks, but eye don’t do pretty blondes.”

    Pretty blonde: “I have to say I am outraged – ‘cos all this botox has frozen
    my face.”

  133. 191
    Brian says:

    I see no shits.

  134. 193
    wight tory says:

    And I moaned “D, D, Diana I’m arriving….” then Cammy dearest thumped me in the eye

  135. 194
    Damned Impertinent Questions says:

    Does my bum look big in this?

  136. 195
    Bill Quango MP says:

    And what do you do ?

    Thirteen year olds mostly..

  137. 202
    Anonymous says:

    JD: “Nah, yer maj, I said I’m off to DOOB Eye, geddit?

    HRH CW: They told me I was meeting Jamal Fuckwit. When of course it is Jim’ll Fuck shit!

  138. 203
    StevieBC says:

    HRH to unfunny comedian, and pretty blonde with frozen face;

    “Ah, one seems to have left one’s makeshift blinkers on. One has to wear them when one is bonking one’s horsey wife.”

  139. 207
    Andy says:

    The mental image of Jim being involved with the Savile’s sickening crimes against kids is being conjured up revoltingly. Except he wasn’t. Not at all.

    It’s only when you read between the lines it becomes clear that Jim’s alleged ‘offences’ had nothing to do with Savile or any form of child abuse. Davidson has been questioned about claims made by two women “in their mid-twenties” during the 80s: something that might have happened between adults more than 25 years ago; something that will almost certainly boil down to their word against his.

    Why is this happening? Why is Davidson being dragged through the dirt? I think the motive is to make the cops look good. They couldn’t get Savile but look at all the front pages they’re generating now…

    When Davidson is found to be innocent, as I suspect he will be, will he be entitled to any compensation? Suspicion, hearsay and public humiliation is no doubt costing him a packet no doubt to the delight of many of Davidson’s left-wing haters. How they delight in running him down!

    Slurring his character and questioning his skill as a comedian. Left wing ‘comedians’ hate Jim of his politics – not only is he a working class boy made good, he’s a working class Tory.

    • 208
      Morning Star with russian bras, sometimes more than often off says:

      Get orf your soap box and get a life. We are only fucking about….

  140. 209
    Jay says:

    “Mummy was playing strip polker with the minions again – the old gal was so tanked up on Gin, her shot was a bit orf & when she flung off her reinforced bra it almost had one’s royal eye out Jim”

  141. 210
    Geordieboy says:

    I got this at a re-enactment of The Battle of Hastings some fucker nearly had my eye out.

  142. 212
    RenewableUK says:

    Wind,mills? I see no windmills!

  143. 213
    Dawn Smith says:

    “Both Camilla and I forgot that she had left her spurs on until…’this’…”

  144. 214
    Displaced Brummie says:

    “Yes, Jim. I am wearing an eyepatch. However, the difference between Lord Leveson and myself is that he wears two eye patches!”

  145. 215
    John Moss says:

    Wey Hey! With that patch on his eye he can’t see where my hand is!

  146. 216
    Gaz says:

    OK, so you are having a bad time at the moment. But look on the brightside Jim, at least people are laughing at you…..Which is something that has never happened to you before.

  147. 217
    Anonymous says:

    Charles: “Camilla bought one a bookmark for Christmas!”

    Jim: “To stop you bending the pages over?”

    Charles: “Yes. Fat fucking chance of that happening!”

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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