Of all the MP Christmas cards Guido has laid eyes on so far, this effort by Austin Mitchell is surely the most disturbing. This week’s best entry will win a copy of Fred Metcalf’s “Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations”. Make them funny…
Reform the House of Lords | Nigel Farage
Labour Members Don’t Believe Ed Can Be PM | Rafael Behr
How China Bought Britain | London Loves Business
Why Dave Shouldn’t Check His Twitter | Buzzfeed
Young People Getting More Libertarian | ConHome
How to Write a Dan Hodges Column | Left Foot Forward
Politicians Made This Mess | Douglas Carswell
Magna Carta – Walking in King John’s Footsteps | Anna Raccoon
How to Stop Reckless Bankers | Guido Fawkes
Tories Double Younger Support | Guardian
Public Prefers Boris to Dave | Times
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Andrew Pierce on Ed Balls…
“Porky Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls sweet-talked guests at a fund-raising dinner by saying if he wasn’t a politician, he would be a chef. That’s not surprising, since he was accused of cooking the Treasury books when he was Gordon Brown’s boot boy.”
Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking all our twitter followers
“Ed Miliband uses older models to promote his new generation”
Well done Austin, Scartho baths are an important amenity and should be saved
Saville-esque in its creepyness
I think that last lot of Wensleydale was a bit too ripe. I’m hallucinating.
WOW 500 extra posts for £6.89. Fair exchange.
The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations by Fred Metcalf (25 Oct 2012)
£9.99 now £6.89 Paperback free P&P
shit, I’ve got that as well, make that 1000
There were two young ladies of Grimsby
Who asked “Of what use can our quims be?
We both know that this hole
Can serve as a pisshole,
But what can the hairs round the rims be?”
Whats a quim?
Ask Sam.
Pool attendand spots floater in swimming pool
There was a bloke from Grimsby on sea,
who young decided “a fisherman I’ll be”.
Went after mingers,
got some fish fingers,
and for next few weeks had stingy pee.
praise antibiotics…
WAHARRRTTTT!!!
Kinnell
Anyone seen Mark Oaten ?
Bubbles aren’t the only thing you can blow in a pool
The Orange Order announces the latest attempt to swim with the times.
Oi, Mitchell, that’s all we get now in our EU fishing quota, leave it!
Santa sticks whole hand up Austin’s ring
Santa isn’t the only one who gets a go in my ring
Nemo decides he does not want to be saved…
Woman on the left: “Yep, and you should see the crabs..”
Spot the Clown (fish)
Disney deny ‘Finding Nemo 2′ was subject to a stringent budget
According to Wikipedia …
‘Clownfish feed on small invertebrates’
Should he be worried?
I’m a twat get me out of here
that’s the winner for me
Ed Milliband, I have your Christmas present for the next election
Grimbsy Pool set to close
I will personally visit it to make sure it doesn’t.
No qualified lifeguards could be found willing to stand by during the making of this Christmas card
The shallow end of the gene pool and, even then, he’s out of his depth.
“lift your ring up too, dear, be a good wife and don’t disagree with your master in public”
+1 – captures Austin’s humorous take on gender roles
Austin tries to attract the floating voters
That Mitchell and Webbed Look.
Tee Hee …
Here is one Mitchell who is not afraid to be seen as a pleb
“Save our Poo” indeed.
+2
I asked for frikking sharks with laser beams.
It’s looking grim in Grimsby…
Austin Mitchell another thieving trougher.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/mps-expenses/5319049/Austin-Mitchell-and-an-angry-failed-claim-for-shutters-MPs-expenses.html
MP’s Christmas card shame: “It wasn’t meant to look like that, I’m new to photoshop and I was on acid at the time”.
Nemo could see no way out of the mad mans watery chrimbo lair, other than to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” .
Freshwater Haddock spotted.
IPSA said fish tanks were admissible on expenses. The bastards.
Grimsby MP in 40DD shocker.
Len Fairclough enjoys a Barry More pool party
+1
Thumbs up!
Reluctantly Austin knows the only way to remove the smell of another woman, before he goes home.
santa realizes that his teleportation device has malfunctioned
What do you mean this isn’t the local library?
Troughing Nemo.
Jeremy Browne’s drug fact finding mission takes a terrifying turn following a visit to a Grimsby acid factory.
Not exactly busy – maybe it’s closing because no one uses it?
Would you get in a pool with an ugly old cun*t like that?
No but I think that Peter Mandelson would.
Austin Mitchell born Austin Haddock realises there is a time and a plaice for everything.
Vegetable soup.
Parliament of clowns
Proof that dicks go even more wrinkly in the water.
Come on Gordon, don’t be scared! Just hold onto your float and keep up those little doggy paddles.
Just out of camera range, Lord Prescott was clad in a speedo, running pell-mell for the water and shouting “Cannonball!”, as he often does when visiting Grimsby Pool; there is no substantiation for the rumour that that is why the pool is being shut down.
That would be a great way to empty the pool quickly though.
Oaf-fish
Leave it Phil, he ain’t worth it.
Can you smell fish?
If anyone deserves to be swimmimg with the fishes…..
Save our MP!
Mitchell judges margaret moran lookalike competition
“You know….once upon a time I could have paid to save this myself- I’d have claimed it on my expenses!!!
Bloody Daily Telegraph….”
Grimsby MP strips for Real Deal
Austin Mitchell rejoices on finding Diane Abbot’s diaphragm in local pool
Poss winner but 300 anonymouses will claim
certainly messes up keyboards
‘Think or Thwim this Crimmas!’
Austin Marina.
More underarm fish than hairs.
You aint seen me right!
“Dear Santa, This year I’d like my dignity back”
Grimsby’s Flood defences strategy slightly off course.
Mitchell releases his little swimmers.
Bindun?
Labour politician exposes his ring at school trip.
Look, it’s a clown fish
The whitings on the wing
Does Michael Barrymore now support Better Off Out?
The fecal matter from the clownfish provides nutrients to the sea anemone
Austin poses for one of his more memorable contributions to British life.
“No Mrs Culture Secretary, this will not save you”
Is this another example of Common Porpoise?
Save our pool! But the fish belong to Spain
Waving , not drowning.
Help!! My majority is shrinking fast in this cold water.
i’m pooling my resources below the belt.
I’m allright.But the SPAD on whose shoulders I am standing neds your help.
For non Wedgies, that should be “needs”
Why is this water blue? Obvious bias.
Champagne socialist trawling for votes
I bet he left a Yuletide log in the pool
Flooding hits threatened snooker hall.
It was the first time the Mitchells had spawned in a swimming pool.
Anyone see where Len Fairclough went?
I hope the f*cker is not in the shallow end with the kids again !!
“Boris said nemo would vote for me”
“Makes a change from being out of my depth in a car park puddle!!”
Looks like Jim fixed it for him to find his nemo
John Bercow wished he hadn’t agreed to join the photo-shoot.
OR
It was the first time the Mitchells had spawned in a swimming pool
OR
“Boris said nemo would vote for me”
fish enjoys sensation of private parts rubbing on water surface
Austin Mitchell puts his hands up to turning the water purple.
Margaret Moran : Do you think this blonde wig will fool them Austin ?
Austin Mitchell : Shut up and look miserable you silly bint!
If Typhoo put the ” t “in Britain,
Who put the “p” in this pool ?
Nemobot?
I got this lot on expenses.
Happy christmas plebs!
Is that you dear or is one of these alive?
Outrageous racist photo ‘cos there are no ethnics in the pool!
Look I’ve found him. Even with the false beard I knew it was the member for Kirkcaldy
Austin Mitchell’s core supporters, his personal assistant, Father Christmas and nemo
Number of Labour MP’s supporters inflated
Wife: Dear Santa, please help me find Austin’s Nemo…
Austin: It just feels weightless in water, that’s all.
front nemo observes:
’35 years after he was first elected, proof Grimsby still has fishy leadership…’
Is the old trout on the left wanking him off under water, and the vagrant looking guy saying, “Eh up! It can’t be that grim in Grimsby . . . even me spunk produces smiley little tadpoles.”
frightens the crap out of me
Not for the first time was Grimsby baths plagued by a turd in the water
“Eh up, I didn’t say t’north of England’s version of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” is tripe, I said when t’publicity shoot is finished, I’m off for a bowl of tripe. Luxury.”
“All out Brothers…..”
“There’s nowt ‘appier than a champagne socialist frolicking in his jacuzzi paid for by tax payer.”
Oldest swingers in britain are unveiled as Grimsby’s answer to Baywatch.
Grimsbys floaters to be picked up by Austin Mitchell – Innocent face
Mi-Lud, my client was befriended by a minor local celebrity, who said: ‘As it happens, have a puff’, whereupon my client found himself naked in the pool surrounded by orange inflatables and an overly emotional dinner lady from Hull. At this point that a most unfortunate sub-aqua event occurred.
Watch out for that old trout !
Putting the truly ‘grim’ into Grimsby.
He’s going to get one hell of a fright when he puts his glaesses back on!
to the tune of ‘We three kings’
Ian Austin stuck in a pool
Jesus Christ he looks like a tool
Surrounded by Nemos
Wearing his speedos
Who on earth elected this fool?
although it might help to substitute Ian Austin for Austin Mitchell! X
He was a fine allrounder in his his day was portly Ian…just ask Athers…maybeez he’s turned into a whale since?
no petting
no spitting
no diving
no smoking
no bikinis
no shame
no bombing
Tried looking for Russell Howard’s obsevation on swimming pool “No Bombing” zieg heil orders, that must be followed, but couldn’t find it, so I though a bit of Frankie will do instead, as you do,
oh, it’s there, at number 2 Frankie… : )
…and furthermore, Frank Skinner said Sophie Ellis-Bextor had a face like a satellite dish, and he is still on the beeb.
Can’t stand double-standards myself.
Sophie who, some now may ask – she is fit, and surprisingly quite tall, but is the best looking satellite dish you will ever see, here she is, her best bit, I think,
And that swimmer does have a big nose, ey Frankie?
…even furthermore,
Frankie: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179938/Frankie-Boyle-takes-Twitter-mock-Olympic-swimmer-Rebecca-Adlington.html
Skinner: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/moslive/article-1269205/Sophie-Ellis-Bextor-I-dont-care-people-think-I-look-bit-odd.html
OH! alright, Robbie Williams said that, and Skinner said “Why the wide face Sophie” – right, that makes it alright then.
try again, Skinner,
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/moslive/article-1269205/Sophie-Ellis-Bextor-I-dont-care-people-think-I-look-bit-odd.html
Frankie,
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179938/Frankie-Boyle-takes-Twitter-mock-Olympic-swimmer-Rebecca-Adlington.html
And Robbie Williams said Sophie had a face like a satellite dish – Sinner just said to her “why the wide face, Sophie”.
Austin Mitchellarrested for touching up Santa’s ring.
Why do so many places on the coast have swimming pools, when they have a huge one on their doorstep?
“I’m offering my ring to Santa this Christmas!”
Ooooh! There’s a warm patch in the water!
I’ve found Unnatural Gas in the Shale-ow end
Shock! Horror! A TURD was found floating in our local pool today…
Mr and Mrs Mitchell as shallow as the pool they share!
Vote for me or Santa gets thrown to the piranhas.
My mother always said I’d make a big splash in politics.
My ambition has always been to go into the other plaice.
When they said they wanted someone to go Balls deep into local politics, this wasn’t what I expected.
A good wife doesnt disagree with her master in public
Feel this tiddler Austin!
“He’s not wavering, he’s drowning”, as I misquoted in PMQs.
Bubbles, Bubbles! – It’s the fish I tell you . . . . . honest!
Not waving but drowning: Labour’s economic policy
Vacant lifeguard neglects to mention school of piranha to local MP.
Damien Hurst’s latest work not up to par.
which one’s fucking Nemo?
There was this posh girl from Cleethorpes,
a right lady muck class ridden and warpes.
Went day out into Grimsby,
met a fella in their Wimpy,
now can’t keep her knickers up with ropes.
Good education in Grimsby, see. ; )
oops, try again, justification
went a
bit fucked up then, for a poem -will have to remembr that next time, for the first couple of lines, do some waffling…
There was this posh girl from Cleethorpes,
a right lady muck class ridden and warps.
Went day out into Grimsby,
met a fella in their Wimpy,
now can’t keep her knickers up with ropes.
Good education in Grimsby, see. ; )
song from the posh ladies in our lives – they really do like it up them, let me tell you that for nothing, boyos…
Leonardo DiCaprio hasn’t aged well…
OMG Austin, what colourful sperm you have!! When you said you were getting the old fella out again I never realised…
Austin on the telly is just like John Noakes,
give advice to us youngs like all old oaks.
Saying come by Shep, know I speak sense,
while life of O’Reilly in that House of hunts.
John from Halifax – get by Shep, get by, for fucking fuck sakes – LEAVE THAT FUCKING RAM ALONE Shep, he’s bigger than thee,
Bollocks,
did
it
again. Poem justification.
Austin on the telly is just like John Noakes,
gives advice to us youngs like all old oaks.
Saying come by Shep, know I speak sense,
while life of O’Reilly in that House of hunts.
John from Halifax – get by Shep, get by, for fucking fuck sakes – LEAVE THAT FUCKING RAM ALONE Shep, he’s bigger than thee,
Still in the shallow end I see.
Finding Chemo
Sorry to appear dense, but did I miss who won the ‘Leveson’ caption comp?
Sorry, I am dense – just seen the belated announcement above this posting.
Doh!
A new water sport, Synchronized Silly-C***s, is being considered for the next Olympics.
“Save a turkey this Christmas. Eat fish instead”
A sly message to Ed “You need a lifebelt as well”