December 5th, 2012

Download the App


  1. 1
  2. 2
    Hank the Cat says:

    Has Sally Bercow got an App to download

  3. 3
    Hans Aard says:

    So will these new pension restrictions apply to us plebs only, or will it apply to MPs too?

    My betting is that it won’t and it will effectively be IMPOSSIBLE for a pleb to get anywhere near the same pension as an MP (depending on their age and when they started pension contributions).

    “Restrictions on pension tax relief – with effect from the 2014-2015 tax year
    The Government will reduce the lifetime allowance for pension savings from £1.5 million to £1.25 million.

    The lifetime allowance is the maximum total value of all your pensions, measured when you take benefits or reach age 75.

    The Government will reduce the annual allowance for pension savings from £50,000 to £40,000.”

  4. 4
    Slap-o-meter says:

    Is there a feature in the app to slap an avatar of Ed Balls?

    I think I could record 9,000 slaps per month on average. Could anyone beat that?

  5. 5

    Or Margaret Dodge?

  6. 6
  7. 7
    Ed OmnishamBalls says:

    Stop trying to push this useless App you trory twat.

  8. 8
    Testing says:


  9. 9
    Mr Slater says:

    I’d prefer a more psittacene-based application for all political Parrot-lovers everywhere. I’d easily record over 9000 flaps per month!

  10. 10
    Mr Slater's Parrot says:

    SQUAAAARRRWWKK!!! (flap) (crest) (peanut)

  11. 11
    Mr Slater's Parrot says:

    KKKRRRRRR… (squeetle) (ting)

  12. 12
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    No pain for me in the Autumn Statement. As I’m over 65 my benefits remain as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar. Now what can I buy on Amazon?

  13. 13

    Ed Balls responds to the autumn statement.

    “…Mr Speaker, the chancellor has reduced the deficit..Ii mean he has reduced the..erm..the debt..No! Not that..not that! I mean to say..if i can just get a word in..this poor chancellor has ..erm..well…he’s reduced a bit of something, i can’t quite believe it’s the debt..i’ll be checking..oh yes I soon as I can get onto google…it seems he’s up to some of my old accounting tricks Mr mean ..he’s up to something but i can’t quite see….well..anyway..its a disgrace that debt hasn’t mean..that the debt hasn’t fallen faster than ..erm..well…I think..erm…he’s not taxing millionaires nearly enough…erm..hurting thehardworkingpoor…blah blah…not taxing rich banker trust-fund offshore coffee companies…..yada yada…I’ll skip on down..hmmm..hmm..ho we are!

    …MR SPEAKER…This government that’s no good either…erm..hang on..and everyone stop laughing, i really can’t think properly with all this noise…Mr Speaker…make them stop!…the debt has sort of risenish in a not falling down the hill or off the fiscal cliff quite way and I believe that maybe ..erm…erm…something about postmen…erm..

    continues for 20 minutes but feels like 300.

  14. 14
    Gooey Blob says:

    I have a feeling that after Labour loses the next election, Ed Balls will be quietly retired to the back benches.

  15. 15
    tourmaline says:


    It was a great comedy sketch. Someone needs to set it to music or something for YouTube.

  16. 16
    Gooey Blob says:

    If you have cash to spare, you could head on over to the Labour Party website. They need the money urgently and you can adopt a politician for just £2 per month.

    Hurry though, after today’s performances a couple of front-benchers are in danger of being put down.

  17. 17
    ted baker's pearls says:

    It was a great comedy sketch. Someone should set to music for YouTibe.

  18. 18
    Artful Tax Dodger says:

    Dodge the tax Hodge.

  19. 19
    Dutchmen says:

    An App for emptying your colostomy bag?

  20. 20
    ted baker's pearls says:

    Adopt a labour politician for £2 a month?!!!!

    Who do you suggest – chuckusyamoney or poorpasthisdate bullyballs or maybe ‘giveusaninquiry into anything’ militwit?!

  21. 21
    Stuart Hall says:


  22. 22

    Caroline Flint is only £1.50.
    So I’ve heard.

    And Gordon Brown is on special offer..or maybe I overheard someone saying he is just special.

  23. 23
    Worse than barbaric says:

    Ot but this is as bad as it gets, for fucks sake this evil bitch deserves to hang !

  24. 24
    Idle moment says:

    Don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but is it possible there’s an ‘interest deficiency’ growing on this site? In the past, if one were in a William Bowden/Schrodinger’s Cat-style moment, Guido’s site could always guarantee a few minutes’ amusement. Nowadays it all seems…. so dull. Is it possible? What we need is a lively discussion of the legendary Stuart Hall’s “historic” (in the Michael Winner sense?) rape accusations…

  25. 25
    Anonymous says:

    The Crown Court

    at Southwark
    Daily List for Wednesday 5 December 2012 at English Grounds, off Battlebridge Lane

    Court 1 – sitting at 10:00 AM

    For Application for Dismissal of Charges
    T20127253 BROOKS Rebekah M
    BROOKS Charles
    CARTER Cheryl S
    EDWARDS Paul C
    HANNA Mark
    T20127364 BROOKS Rebekah M
    T20127380 SANDELL Lee


  26. 26
    Pale Rider says:

    forget this right wing arshole stupid paddy whacker who denies his own homeland of ireland, go here instead

    guido you haven’t got a fucking clue compared to this guy

  27. 27
    8 or 9. says:

  28. 28
    The app is a dog's breakfast of security holes says:

    The app monitors where you are. Hmm. Why??

    Your location

    Allows the app to access extra location provider commands. This may allow the app to to interfere with the operation of the GPS or other location sources.”

    And this permission looks pretty shitty, too:

    Network communication

    Allows apps to accept cloud-to-device messages sent by the app’s service. Using this service will incur data usage. Malicious apps could cause excess data usage.”

  29. 29
    Getting tired of crooks says:


    The excellent Terry Smith article you reference…

    But frightening…..the Debt/GDP table would really indicate gradual
    (or accelerated) b a n k r u p t c y…even with the wiked Libdem cuts…

    Why are no serious players paying any attention?

  30. 30
    Nuke Parliament says:

    Isn’t the Devil in the detail?

    “The Government will reduce the lifetime allowance for pension savings from £1.5 million to £1.25 million.”

    MPs don’t have any pension ‘savings’, they don’t contribute to a ‘pot’. The just get lots of money. OURS!

  31. 31
    PissedasaParrot says:


  32. 32
    green ink says:

    priceless bill

  33. 33
    One-term Dave, dragging the Tories to their grave says:

    Labour lose the next election? I’m jolly-well not going to allow that, what what!

    Let’s see: a £2billion tax hike on the middle class (traditional Tory voters) followed by.. let’s see, what can I do with £2billion? Something that’s a massive waste of money.. By jove! I can give Africa £2billion to so they can buy (foreign) windfarms!

    Labour lose the next election? Not on my watch! What what.

    Guffff-haw haw haw haw haw haw!

  34. 34
    LibLabCon, the muzzie-loving scum, says:

    You’re not allowed to impose your grotesque Imperialist Western standards on other – generally superior – cultures, you racist Western Imperialist Pig-Dog!

  35. 35
    Ex-Conservative Party member (one of millions) says:

    “he’s reduced a bit of something, i can’t quite believe it’s the debt”

    Well, Balls would be right not to believe it. Giddy Oh hasn’t reduced the debt. The debt is going up. Gordon McMental increased the nation’s debt by £600 billion over 13 years. Giddy Oh, the clueless inbred toffy-nosed imbecile, is increasing the debt by the same amount in five years.

    We’re fucked.

  36. 36
    Sleazy McGraw says:

    Need to bleach Hodge from my mind…

  37. 37
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    “Ed Balls poked fun at George Osborne’s many, many u-turns in his autumn statement response today.

    The shadow chancellor said:

    “Let me congratulate the chancellor for taking our advice, and stopping January’s fuel duty rise, even though they all voted against it just a month ago. They all voted against it.

    “And we welcome the u-turns on flood defences, on regional pay bargaining in the NHS, the u-turn on capital allowances.

    “After churches, charities, pasties, skips, fuel and caravans, I think it is catching on Mr Speaker, this u-turning, but whatever happened to the plans for the Business Investment Bank?

    “And as for yesterday’s announcement on infrastructure spending the extra money for schools is just a fraction of the cuts and the cancellation of Building Schools for the Future.

    “And we have been here before, a year ago the prime minister boasted about their national infrastructure plan 12 months on not a single road scheme has even started, Mr Speaker.””

  38. 38
    Anonymous says:

    “£2bn of UK aid to help Third World go green
    Britain yesterday pledged almost £2 billion in “climate aid” to help finance foreign projects including wind turbines in Africa and greener cattle farming in Colombia” … green.html
    Great steaming balls of piddle ! Two billion pounds that we of course do not have to help green up the third world in Africa ,[already spent on new guns and armoured Bentleys] and Columbia where most of the agricultural land is growing gear that is much more profitable than cattle.
    Meanwhile , we are cutting back on essential services, denuding our forces of equipment, letting oiks go free because we don’t have enough jails etc, et feckin’cetera. Also India and china ,the two biggest growing countries on the planet do not give two shakes of a hindu’s hampton about green, warming or any bloody thing else that interfere’s with the production of the next pointless piece of shite that the gormless hordes can stare at.
    What a hopeless shower of shite this government has become.

  39. 39
    Freddie 'Parrot Face' Davis says:


  40. 40
    Gog says:

    Every time I see a documentary about Africa there seems to be hordes of people sitting around doing nothing, sitting under the shade of a baobab tree, swatting flies and complaining that there’s no work for them.

    So….. Hamster wheel technology. We should be providing funds for the building of giant hamster wheels which the locals can run around in to generate power in order to kickstart local industry.

  41. 41
    Getting tired of crooks says:

    Why is it a “private hearing”

    Are they resorting to “private justice” paid for by the criminal Murdoch organisation?

    “Justice must be done and be seen to be done”

  42. 42
    Stuart Hall says:

    It’s a Cockout!

  43. 43
    Abdul says:

    Leave Mr Halls alones! He accused of fiddling with 9 years old! He is just like our beloved prophet! Allah praise Mr Halls!

  44. 44
    Nurse Kwazuladeela, King Edward Hospital says:

    Don’t blame me, mon!

  45. 45
    confused.... says:

    naughty naughty aussies…they’re such scamps… who would have thought you could get a personal update from the nurse so easily … freshen her up …what we talking about jet wash or bed bath ?

  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    ‘A good day to bury bad news’ or is there another reason the ‘Free Press’ haven’t reported it?

  47. 47
    Treble9man says:

    Wow, that guy sure is a tad angry.
    Shame the general populace don’t get even close to feeling this way, then maybe – just maybe – the politicos would start to tremble.

  48. 48
    Jimmy says:

    “sign up to the Guidogram now for details of our Christmas drinks.”

    Together with full details of how to get home safely afterwards by public transport.

  49. 49
    the app says:

    The app itself feels very clunky even running on note 2. To be honest it’s a much smoother and a more intuitive experience simply viewing the website through the browser in mobile template .

  50. 50
    techistuff says:

    yeah but you could integrate your zdrive with the xinterface and then you’re completely right

  51. 51
    Pale Rider says:

    also most of the heartless bastards here only want to kick labour and liberals

  52. 52
    Anonymous says:

    All the politicians who’ve been in power in Ireland are right wing and corporation tax is 12.5% so he might be forced to accept the reality that left wing politics didn’t wipe out half the economies in the world and if he wanted to be anti-EU he’d have to be on the same side of the argument as Sinn Fein.

  53. 53
    Mr Slater's Parrot says:


  54. 54
    Nirvana says:

    Smells like teen compo

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Who’d want to? Your youtube chav’s pro Leveson, loves Owen Jones…etc.

  56. 56
    Rithme Tic says:

    Do you understand that a small % of a big thing can be bigger than a large % of a small thing?

  57. 57
    LibLaBCon says:

    You’ve just been culturally enriched.

  58. 58
    hehe says:

    Hope we’re gonna see you there Jimmy.

  59. 59
    Right then says:

    We don’t want to kick them but put them away in padded rooms where they can’t hurt themselves or anybody else.

  60. 60
    Ed Millionaireband says:

    We did a u-turn on the EU.
    We did a u-turn on the NHS. We promised to cut spending then blamed the Tories for not spending enough even though they raised spending. But we did not do a u-turn on the rest of our policies because we don’t have any other than borrowing more money, which we blamed the Tories for doing.

  61. 61
  62. 62
    EdButLookBalls says:

    Feckin’ Al-Beeba Liebour!, Ed Balls Meltdown on Autumn statement, Toenails mentioned his ‘fluffing’ on 10 o’Clock News but was ‘freet’ to show it!! FFS !! You cnuts!!!

  63. 63
    EdButLookBalls says:

    Knockdown but no Knockersout!!

  64. 64
    PooBare says:

    That’s ‘rithmetic. I don’t do ‘rithmetic.

  65. 65
    Ed Balls the thick twat says:

    I want to punish rich people by taxing them more even though it means the Treasury takes in less tax overall, dissuades businesses from starting up in the country, stops them hiring new workers, reduces growth and encourages companies to pay their taxes in other low-tax countries of Europe (which is what membership of the EU has ensured). I hate the rich apart from myself and my friends who don’t have the first clue what creating wealth means.

  66. 66
    BZ to George and Danny says:

    Well done Osborne and Danny Alexander. Two years in and much too late you have at last delivered a budget that is required to get the country back on its feat and unwind the bad things that Labour did.

    New roads, new gas, new power stations and reduced taxes. It ain’t PC but it will work. Could be too late to get you re-elected though.


  67. 67
    Saffron says:

    Well today has been eventfull.
    Ed Balls reply to Autumn statement was dire.
    Ms Hodges certain companies should pay more was also dire.
    People who work should not be picking up the tab for people who don’t want to work seems to me to be fair comment.
    I exclude people who are seeking work who should be supported,but for the rest who are scroungers I have no syphathy whatsoever.
    Osborne needs to go further in getting rid of the deadwood and jobs for the boys which infests this nation.
    Government and local government is riven with jobsworths who are frankly not worth a toss in the running of this nation in an economical sense of value for money.
    When I look at the liebour front bench of the same old twisters and fortune seekers who have virtually wrecked this country,I do really think that we as peoples of this land should wakey wakey as to what is going on.
    Please bear with me,I have a few points to make:-
    1) since when have we the people been consulted as to wether we want to be part of an undemocratically elected EUSSR.
    2)When we have OUR old people deciding wether to heat or eat,how the hell is that right in this country.
    3)we will give 2 billion to Africa to promote the GREEN CRAP what a disgrace.
    4)We are now seeing food banks set up in the UK,I thought that only happened during wartime.
    5) this country has now gone to the dogs what with unfettered immigration that is out of control and because of this endless needs of these migrants putting strain on our infrastructures in all ways,we are heading for disaster.
    WHO IS TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS?,answers on a postcard please.

  68. 68
    FFSFOFF says:

    It’s Darwinism in action. Moronic consoomers will buy consumer gadgets that farm them. They deserve to be slaves.

  69. 69
    Stuart Hall says:

    Let’s play It’s a Knobout!

  70. 70
    Quiet Bat Person says:

    The public sector won’t be affected. In fact, the tax raid is probably to pay public sector pensions.

    Lawyers & the judiciary will no doubt be exempt from this raid too.

  71. 71
    Bogeyman says:

    Why are they hounding Stuart Hall? This is exactly what’s wrong with Britain – millions spent on pursuing an 82-year-old whose dick hasn’t risen this century, just to satisfy the pee-do-fil-iacs and other “disgusted” persons.

    Same story everywhere. Take childminding. Wimmin complain that costs have gone skywards but don’t stop to ask why. It’s because the whole system is designed around guarding against pee-do-files, which involves expensive registration, inspection and unnecessary staffing.

    Many thousands of families are struggling to afford childcare because of the tiny, tiny risk of encountering a pee-do. But the sayftee of “our vulnerable children” trumps everything – even if it means some of them end up shut in their bedroom or left roaming the streets.

    When I were a kid we went to Mrs Barton’s. For a shilling a day we got reading, writing and Plasticine in her front room. Bring back Mrs Barton, I say.

  72. 72
    The Big Issue. says:

    Make no mistake. Shale rock fracturing for the production of Methane, the building of 20 new gas fired power stations and the promise of more to come will turn around and prosper our economy fo generations to come.

  73. 73
    UKIP bot says:

    blah.blah…immigrants………green belt..immigrants..cameron is a marxist..blah..blah..cameron is an immigrant…thatcher is a marxist……liblabcon……putin is real man…

  74. 74
    Bogeyman says:

    The highest number of recommends on CiF’s coverage of the autumn statement is one repeating a tweet from Kevin “Toilets” Maguire..

    Cameron sipping a glass of claret and eating roast beef in the MPs’ dining room. Robbing the jobless not put Dave off his lunch.

    Is that really all these left-wing arseholes have to worry about? So he had meat and veg for lunch and “claret”, which could have been a £3.99 Bordeaux from Aldi.

    Like or loathe him, he’s the Prime Minister ffs. What do they expect – a bowl of lentils?

  75. 75
    Well it's a thought says:

    You know what will happen, if Dred Ed gets voted to wreck the country in 2015, the lunatics in sandal’s will make sure the fraking never gets any further than dreams, we will end up as a 3rd world country soon after.

  76. 76
    Polly Pot says:

    Call for a judge led inquiry into why Labour have no policies.

  77. 77
    Polly Pot says:

    psssttt… don’t forget ‘spending a lot more of borrowed money’..that’s what we like to write about in the grundidnafd

  78. 78
    Polly Pot says:

    Its me and my super liberal, big state, pro EU, anti Israel loving Guardianista hippy friends, isn’t it?

    What do I win?

  79. 79
    Berger, Mandelson, Oppenheimer, Miliband and Levy says:

    Tony Blair presided over a Scottish Mafia and got away with it.

    Will Edward Miliband get away with his J3wish mafia?

  80. 80
    Barack Obama says:

    Because it’s the right thing to do! That’s why my country is about to go to hell in a handbasket, aka the Fiscal Cliff– Congress won’t let me soak the rich! It’s simple– soaking the rich is like what Willie Sutton, the infamous bank robber, said about sticking up banks: “You go where the money is!”

  81. 81
    The BBC are cnuts says:

  82. 82
    Osama the Nazarene says:

    Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
    Riots….Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

  83. 83
    kitler says:

    No, padded cells cost lots of other people’s money to build and maintain. Kicking will suffice.

  84. 84
    nine millimeters of lead says:

    He can eat me come the revolution.

  85. 85
    Pale Rider says:

    indeed but in your utter studipity and sychopancy you can’t even see where osbourne is taking you — just carry on reading daily mail lies, be brainwashed, and let the rich screw you over forever –
    NO fun, no fun, no fun, sex pistols dya remember– prolly not

  86. 86

    Good to see all the little kiddiwinks are tucked up in bed.

  87. 87
    African Despot says:

    I like this idea very much.

    We have an infrastructure that isn’t worth jack shit. So what could make more sense than building something, that is the most expensive and inefficient way of generating energy, known to mankind?

    Still my customary rake off of 50%, will make me rich enough to have a new private jet and a fleet of diamond encrusted 4×4’s and the biggest bank account in Africa.

  88. 88
    African Despot says:

    Not that old you wanked out lefty tosser.The dick in your video would be happier in Cuba or North Korea, you know the kind of place where….. oh hold on…….

  89. 89
    Do lefty tossers know anything? says:

    You don’t even know what right wing is. Give us all a break with your stoodent angst routine. You sound like pRick out of the Young Ones.

  90. 90
    Really? says:

    At current spending / borrowing / debt rates, the Dollar, Pound and EUro are all doomed. The question you should ask is, if these currencies are deliberately being allowed to fail ( and they are ) who benefits?

  91. 91
    Red Egg Millitit..... says:

    WTF why are we borrowing billions to hand over to others in foreign aid?

  92. 92
    no need to shout says:

    The ranting twat is too thick to remove his sunglasses!!!!!

  93. 93
    Gert's niece (special agent) says:

    Snowy wants to know if she was Dick’s wife or mother.

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Stop May Pact | Times

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George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”

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