Friday Caption Contest (Sitting on Democracy Edition)
This week’s winner will win a copy of ‘Mullahs Without Mercy’, Geoffrey Robertson’s ground-breaking study of Iran’s nuclear ambitions. Make them witty…
Attorney General Warns Press Over Rebekah & Andy | Media Guido
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Dave Will Still Win in 2015 | Toby Young
Activists Should Ignore the Sneerers | Jacob Rees-Mogg
NHS Can Kill Tories | James Kirkup
Dave Lets Labour Take Credit For Gay Marriage | FT
UKIP Set to Out-Poll Tories | Telegraph
UKIP Spokesperson Slaps Down BBC | The Commentator
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Ai Weiwei in China fighting the taxman…
“Under totalitarian rule, no one is protected by law. We will all be the same helpless victims. When a country insists on its lies, it’s time for an artist to bring forth change.”
Ah! Monika says:
Google-eyed-Dave
Where’s Gordon Brown?
parp!
“Excuse me jury, had a right ganhdi last night, be back in two moes”
oops, gandhi even, prap, splooshushush…
Friday Scat-ion Contest??
you name it, I’ll sing it. Joke, off the cuff.
Lord Leveson walks into a pub, and orders a pint. The barman says “Fucking ‘ell, it’s you, isn’t it, you?”.
And the Lord say “Yes it it is, now can I have my pint now”.
And the baman says “No probs – so when is the remake of ET coming out then Steve?”…
Lord Leveson finds it easier to pass broken glass through his Japs eye that getting his recommendations passed through Parliament.
Leveson walks into a bar. OOOOF! – it was an iron bar. : ) old I know…
….well Prime Minister, if you won’t pull my finger………….
piles and pile of paper … and mine biting
Does he have a foreskin!?
I haven’t got one, and I’m as CofE as the next man. ‘Twas not uncommon with the middle classes you know.
Still is, over here.
I keep my prick warm.
No chance. Rusty razor blade job. 100mm x 50mm
Ok, which one of you cnuts left a whoopy cushion here?
C J
Ha Ha
Yuk
Sorry, just another load (sic) of hot air!
Alf Garnett rules on press regulation!
Bum on seat?
Sorry! I just have to let this fart go.
Of course I’m in favour of a free press, that why I only read the Metro and Evening Standard..
You press people, I dump in your general direction
Oops it looks like I’ve just followed through all over press freedom
Who pulled the lever son?
Right, now that’s out of the way, any journalist need a good lawyer?
And, as Charlotte crawled out from under the desk licking her lips, Lord Justice Leveson settled down into his seat and added a line about Ofcom and regulatory backstops.
Sorry, I can’t take any questions, must dash off to meet with my new employer – Murdoch.
Yes, it does hurt. And this is how you boys are going to feel too once I’ve finished with you.
if this is Justice Leveson, we’re a banana republic…?
Thanks Dave, but I don’t know why I bothered.
Ok, which one of you put a whoopee cushion there?
Pity that’s over, was a nice little earner..
Oi, Jay! Pub in three, your round..
Can’t today, got an appointment with the optician for some even sillier glasses.
Time for some Quantative easing…
And time for some learning how to spell ‘quantitative’.
he missed the tit out
Show me how to do that Q.E. then again Merv.
” You did say this was a commode! “
“After a night out with the Guy news team the Guido Fawkes moderator decides that life in Australia would be less stressful”
I’ll just leave you with this one last thought…………phhhtttt
(Not witty, but then not interested in the prize. What’s second prize, 2 copies?)
None of my recommendations will be implemented you say? I’ll get my coat.
If nothing else, the Levenson has provided a tricky caption contest
Jay: “I put it to you Lord Leveson that you have broken wind or to use the current vernacular farted, wouldn’t you say that’s an accurate description of events Lord Leveson?”.
“Was that you M’Lord?”
“I’ve told you I’m not answering any questions.”
WHO WON THE LAST TWO CAPTION COMPETITIONS???
I demand a public and private and judge led inquiries so we can draw a line in the sand having leared lessons and be able to move forward,
Wun Nation
OK you can stop licking now, Hugh
This fart will do more for democracy than anything the Sun has ever done.
Leveson excuses himself for a few minutes to witness the rare sighting of Gordon Brown in London
Levenson shits on centuries of freedom of speech
+1
Quick everyone, scarper. Prescott’s coming back..
when I was a lad, this is what we’d do with newspapers…
Do-do-do the funky gibbon.
Clear the decks, boys – I’ve issued my report..
The one who smelt it, inquired it.
More K Y your lordship?
Oh thank god that’s over ! ….. Now has anyone got any air freshener ?
The pain I’m suffering now is nothing compared with what you lot are going to suffer.
‘Piles’ of print are painful
Right, Now where’s Mrs Bercow, I need to fill her in. *innocent face*
You and who’s Army?
Hold still Murdoch, there’s more to come.
Find Piers Morgan and KILL him.
Brian does his Monster Munch impression, to relieve the boredom.
That Sally Bercow face cushion is really comfortable.
‘Anybody want a spare copy of my report?
I have piles round the back.’
Very clever
Sorry, I think I have just issued a gagging order
Like!
After excreting 2,000 pages hemorrhoids are making it difficult for the Lord Justice to sit down.
“mmmm, me roasaries…. If you had the chalfonts that I have got…”
(clue – rosary beads and Chalfont St Giles)
no comment
Levesoff………..at last.
Whoops. I just split my pants. I’m just off to do some underpinning. It won’t be suitatory underpinning.
Now, Cameron, behave or it’s 6 of the best!
Lord Leveson heads for the long grass…
Sorry mate, someones sitting there.
Breaking news: 4,000 Parents in Rogeram have their children taken into care.
Leveson rushes off to join the final stages of “I’m a celebrity”. As one of the creepy crawlies.
Refernece your article in the Wall Street Journal
So you are now taking shillings from Dirty Desmond and Capo Murdoch Guido?
Can you fall any lower?
I just wish I had Aitken’s sword and Archer’s brass neck.
That would shut the press up.
I’m going to curl out a long ‘un.
Sorry, you’ll have to sort this out amongst yourselves-I’ve got some urgent business to attend to in Australia.
So if I’m to understand this internet thing, it’s “BADGER, BADGER, BADGER”? Oh sod it, just write they can do what they want
After Cameron tells Leveson where to put his report, the Lord Justice regrets writing the 4th Volume.
“I was going to go easy on the Sun, until I found this whoopie cushion…”
Anal-Retentive Gives Away 1987 Sheets Of Toilet Paper
Right Hugh I have held up my end of the bargain. Now no more stupid fucking movies with you playing some twat (yourself). Stumbling over your words because some dozy septic tart once put out is not comedy.
As for you Coogan…get a hair cut and a real personality, not fucking variations on the same, tired, 1980′s characters.
spot on anon
Sheldon “Leveson, your in my spot”
“After his latest attack on the press, Brian discovered a tack on his seat; no-one owned up to it, but Robert Jay QC was seen to be laughing up his sleeve…”
Too late Brian notices Dave has been in before him and jammed the pan trying to flush a 2000 page report down.
Lord Leveson walks into Bernard Manning’s club in Manchester, and Bernard spots him, and he thinks, oh fuck, here we go, but Bernard the ever gentleman says to him “Welcome, come and sit by here Lord, we have some free seats at the front, come in, sit down”.
And then Bernard says “There was this Lord that walked into a working mans club in Manchester, but no officer, we never knew his name – missing is he?”.
Fwee Bwian!
Cameron plagiarises ‘Life Of Brian’ quote….
“He’s not a Lord – he’s a very naughty boy.”
Leveson Ate my Guido Post.
Underpinned Downunder
What a stink, I’d give it ten (months).
BREAKING NEWS: BREAKING WIND!
I just need to readjust this butt plug, then we can proceed
And I’ll leave you gentleman to deal with the stench.
I do apologise, I’ve been on a Coogan diet and my arse has taken exception
Lord Leveson ‘yes this is me taking a big shit all over piers Morgan’
‘Relief: even Brown would be proud of that’
And this is my ‘anus horriibilis’
What’s better legislation or no legislation? There’s only one way to find out!
I’ve just finished with the Portiloo.
There’s a Klingon in my recess
“Clear the room please !” I just have
My arse is like most of the evidence given to this enquiry
Full of shit !
Backs to the wall everybody Mandleson’s up next !
Shit happens…..
“As a well trained judge I always go on the papers…”
Brian reaches for the softer, quilted, perforated, absorbent copies of his report.
Lord justice Leveson fails to achieve levitation for statutory regulation of the press.
I’ve either pappered me kecks or I’ve read an intelligent, balanced article by Guido Fawkws; nope I have sh*t meself.
“That’s better out than in. What a stink, though!”
million pound shit
Smithers, release the hounds!
“That’s the second time today I’ve risen off a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand”
That’s another steaming turd squeezed out….. and i’ve shat on the chair
Lord Justice Levitation, I thought it was a young Tebbit.
Elmer Fudd – says “naaaaaa… whats up doc?”
Who pinched the F*&%$+g bog roll?
Brian Leveson says – “The phone-hacking lines are closed; I’m a celebrity judge get me out of here … on an all expenses paid speaking tour down under”.
If you thought the one I dropped earlier was bad… just wait ’till you smell this!
Can someone get Stephen Fry out of my arse?
Drat! ‘If it wasn’t for those pesky kids, I would have got away with it’.
These blue turds are bigger and harder than you would think
As are the mods
Coming soon…..Rupert Murdoch’s Life of Brian.
Now, where’s my F*****g wig, it’s back to the serious money!
I’m off, F*****g “Raving Roland” Freisler never had all this trouble.
Brian – give up love – everyone knows you can’t polish a turd.
Stripped of all pomposity down to the simple “Brian” shows how ordinary but grossly and obscenely expensive these people are for pantomime.
That whoopee cushion was a bad idea Prime Minister.
I didn’t expect the Spanish inquisition!
nobody expects the spanish inqusition
Master of the Lodge suddenly has to take his weight as he realises Piers Morgan has left a whoopee cushion on his chair.
Bloody hell it’s Appleby in specs!
http://images.smh.com.au/2011/12/29/2864131/yes_minister_wide-420×0.jpg
Leveson realises Murdoch’s get the last laugh with his Whoopee cushion prank.
I can always tell when Piers Morgan is around, my piles start to play me up
Well that was a f*****g waste of time. At least I’ll be showing this bunch of amateurs what expenses really are.
Fart in sideways
“Right, that one’s been crapped out. On to my next big jobbie”
Leveson levitating trick fails to impress the hacks.
Brian is less than amused by the whoopie cushion left by Kelvin Mackenzie.
Cutting edge, high tech, high speed digital photography, captures the moment Brian is off to cash his cheque!
Any stories about skid marks and the editor’s going to swing.
Leveson gently eases his way onto the hand of the puppet master.
Brian practices his kangaroo jumping ahead of his antipodean trip.
Captured on film, the moment of facial transition from simple old Brian into his arch nemesis “Wrinkly Prune” Murdoch.
I’ve licked this lolly as far as I can
Brian gives that “who me” facial expression as the public reaslise he has just p****d 4 million UK quids up the wall. and is leaving a bit sharpish!
Moments of the week.
Ed Millionaireband now agrees to everything before he knows what it is.
The silence from Patricia Hodge.
The realisation that Question Time is only there for Dimbleby to vent his hatred of Cameron and the Tories. (See last nights episode if you need proof).
Applause! You can fool all of the people all of the time.
Now, what would be really great is if Brian, using his best judgement and casting to one side all that stuffed shirt nonsense and expectation of horrendous remuneration, was asked to pick the Friday Caption Contest winner.
The mic may be on, but I’m off to play in the long grass.
The mic may be on, but I’m off to play in the long grass.
And this is what stand along Cameron thinks of my report !
PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP !
Piers me dears would you mind awfully extracting your pink feather duster, thank you old bean.
I am just going outside and may be some time!
“Very funny, Mr Jay. I suppose the whoopee cushion was a post-ironic comment on the tabloids.”
Leveson about to be tipped over backwards by Graham Norton, the story was crap!
The Judge tells reporters that he has been “incommoded”.
Mr Jay, several million pounds of taxpayers money to divi out, woo-hoo,just for sitting on my now sore arse.Think i,ll fuck off out the country till it dies down.
wind from the willows
Come on then, if you think you are big enough
who put that whoopie cushion there? lets have an enquiry!
Now don’t try this spiked-roller massage at home!
“My report touches on aspects of regulation, however right now I’m preoccupied by something that’s touching on cloth”.
Whoops – that wasn’t the report I was supposed to introduce!
“Ahhhhhhhh ….thank God that’s out …..now please clean that up Cleggers”
“Oh sorry Mr Speaker I do apologise. I didn’t realise you were still in the chair.”
“Right Morgan …. outside …… now ……mano et mano”
More breaking wind than breaking news.
I’m a celeb now. I’m getting out of here.
The Liberal in me says let it go. The Tory in me says hold it in. Sadly, the Balls have the final say as to what mess is left behind.
I’m seriously fucking glad that’s over and done with…
Yessssss! Right there Piers! Oh baby!
Now that I’ve shit on the press I’ll flip my wings and fly away.
That’s it. I shall now attempt to lift myself back out of the gutter.
http://fxbites.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/so-lets-regulate.html
Whoever put that drawing pin under my arse has had it
My Back! Can you recommend a good masseuse, Mr. Grant?
Now for my statutory break!
ARISE! “oh that’s better”.
I don’t know whether Cameron will follow through: I certainly have
‘I’m a bullshitter myself, but I love to hear Masters of the Craft at it, so pray continue!’
Temporarily seduced by the offer of Hugh Grant’s weiner on a kebab stick Leveson settles back realising he has already been skewered once during deliberations, and still carries the scars to prove it. Some Stain*s despite whitewashing are impossible to remove.
Every time you appear. Mr Watson, I get this overwhelming urge to defecate. Inquiry adjourned!
every time you appear before me Mr Watson, I get an overwhelming urge to defecate. Inquiry adjourned!
I shall, of course, attempt to get up myself: though one always requires a legal backstop to make sure it happens.
OK everyone. Altogether: Stand Up – If You Hate The Press.
Mr Dodd how tcikled I am!
That’s it !I’m off to Aus’
Ah. A whoopee cushion. Bloody Guido Fawkes…
Leveson Report finds voicemail messages were probably automatically deleted.
‘So what was all the fuss about Judge ?’
JL: ‘No questions !’
“You say YOU’RE hacked off?”
I’m a celebrity get me out of here
##################################################
caption redacted due to statutory regulation
“I kept telling people I was looking for some rapid relief down under, and they send me a bleeding plane ticket to Oz!”
Gawd ! That’s the last time I’m going out with you Max Moseley.
Leveson – “Right that’$ it $erf’$! up … and I’m off to the beache$ of Bondi and Manly to watch the dollar$ c(r)a$h in on the bank$ of tho$e beache$ And, …..
a$ the wave$ cra$h down I’ll be watching the whitewa$h $pin and $pray of them roller$ – G’day $ucker$.”
Dumping on Democracy, loved it, and now I’m a Celebrity — Get me out of here (Oz sounds fine for now)
This stance I am showing you represents David Cameron’s position on my recommendations: not fully up for it…
guido headline:-
“Lever-son” caught trying to levitate above owned chair loaned to him via camPdav.
- latest – actually found to be levering at arms length – but not daves boy
byline
leverson mocks the chair dumped on
by #cameraonstandby
Anything can happen in the next half hour!
……further investigation showed leveson was actually trying to lift himself up by a chair he didn’t even own
he hadn’t levitated at all
it was all smoked before hit the daily mail or public mirror or became news of the world…
“Well, that’s got that out of my system”
Bugger. I thought it was just a fart.
Christ on a bike ! That smells like something’s crawled up my arse and died.
I’m now passing my report, subtitled “The Wind of Change”.
Anybody got a newspaper I can read while I have a sh*t
The judge stormed off, pretending he misheard the question about tweets.
I can’t sit down properly because I’ve just dropped a four volume turd!
“OK! Which one of you jokers put a whoopie cushion on my chair?”
Statutory press regulation is good; non-statutory press regulation is good. But which is better? There’s only one way to find out: FIGHT!
At last. Revenge on the Twitter Bird.
Get yer coat, Cleggers. You’ve have pulled
Dumped on all the idiot mainstream parties, and loved the fact that Ed Mili — brilliant speedreader that he is — professed to digest in only 2 hours, then accept “in entirety”, my 2,000 pages of X-Factor CV.
Jasus l was dying for that!
“Fetch the bed-pan chaps, I feel another Annex on the way…”
Aw shit who published the latest news about Nick Glegg’s alleged involvement in fast tracking £12 million to his wifes charity?
Brian, pulling up his pants, ” Flashman Dave didn’t like my report, that’s why he’s just given me a roasting on this damn radiator!”
Kill them!
“At this angle, the squeeze isn’t so painful.”
“I usually shit on people from on high.”
No Idea if this is still open but had another idea:
“Alright, which joker left this Statutory Underpin on my chair?”
“Alan, it’s easier to squeeze-out the sanctimony from this angle.”