November 13th, 2012

WATCH: Guido App Tutorial


  1. 1
    Jimmy's piddle says:

    Yep, I’ve got nothing better to do.

  2. 2
    Anonymous says:

    What about Nexus 7?

  3. 3
    Tuscan Tony says:

    What about Neo’s deeply hidden solar plexus?

  4. 4
    Alan Sugar, Lord of the Dance says:

    This looks like the cheap tut I sell. You’ve jewed me, you rip-off bastards. Next time, I’m voting Labour.

  5. 5
    Alan Sugar, Lord of the Dance says:

    This looks like some of the cheap tut I sell. You rip-off bastards. Next time, I’m voting Green.

  6. 6
    Gordon Brown says:

    I thought Sarah had got me a really big Ipad for my poor eyesight. I was pushing apps and sliding my finger across the screen and really enjoying myself before the boys asked why was I pushing coasters around the coffee table.

  7. 7
    George Monbiot, Truth-teller says:

    We’ve completed our study, the evidence is in, and the matter is now beyond all debate: I am a complete and utter c_u_n_t.

  8. 8
    Anonymous says:

    Proof. what Proof?

    PROOFS are the currency of mathematics, but Srinivasa Ramanujan, one of the all-time great mathematicians, often managed to skip them. Now a proof has been found for a connection that he seemed to mysteriously intuit between two types of mathematical function.

    The proof deepens the intrigue surrounding the workings of Ramanujan’s enigmatic mind. It may also help physicists learn more about black holes.

    Born in 1887 in Erode, Tamil Nadu, Ramanujan was self-taught and worked in almost complete isolation from the mathematical community of his time. Described as a raw genius, he independently rediscovered many existing results, as well as making his own unique contributions, believing his inspiration came from the Hindu goddess Namagiri. But he is also known for his unusual style, often leaping from insight to insight without formally proving the logical steps in between.

  9. 9
    XXX says:

    No, don’t know what else is on the app, trackers, location, anything like that, unless there is a cast iron guarentee that these aren’t on the apps, oh wait a minute, I haven’t got a smart phone.

  10. 10
    XXX says:

    Oh that, it’s just dormant muscle, very dormant

  11. 11
    OnBenefits says:

    Can you imagine an Amstrad smartphone???!!!!

  12. 12
    Krusty says:

    I have no idea what an ‘app’ is for, and I’ve managed to get through 55 years of life without one.

  13. 13
    Nexux 6 says:

    Wasn’t Nexus something to do with Blade Runner?

  14. 14
    Jimmy says:

    Depending on the response this will be the first of a series of guides showing guidophiles how to use basic household appliances.

  15. 15
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Tonight 19:50 BBC World Service “From Our Own Correspondent” in Georgia @chrishams Surely we trust the World Service not to misrepresent?

    More overtime for Acting Execs trying to decide whether to pull the prog or not.

  16. 16
    Jimmy says:

    The guidophile guide to using basic household appliances #1

  17. 17
    Newsnight Production Team says:

    Tonight on Newsnight!

    Uh…we don’t know, I’m sure someone’s checked what we’re doing. We’ll put something together.

  18. 18
    Krusty says:

    No, it’s a car made by Toyota.

  19. 19
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    What’s app doc?

  20. 20
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Why do I hate Tom Watson MP so much?

  21. 21
    Swiss Bob says:

    Definitely comment of the day, least ways funniest I’ve read.

  22. 22
    nellnewman says:

    What is an app? What does it do? It won’t do the accounts for me-will it?

  23. 23
    很不错的插件,广告没了界面很清爽啊!心水 says:

    不错,但有些网站,如直播吧 有

  24. 24
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    It will be something anti-tory, and based on some Tom Watson innuendo. Of course Watson will hide behind parliament. We at the BBC admire Watson, he’s our kind of guy.

  25. 25
    Gonk says:

    You do need a doctor, really.

  26. 26
    Engineer says:

    Yes. Two baked bean tins and a length of taut string.

  27. 27
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    It will reduce your weekly shopping bill by 90% and make your life the best it’s ever been.

  28. 28
    Stinkfinger says:

    Is it a vibrator then?

  29. 29
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    I need more than a doctor, how about you?

  30. 30
    XXX says:

    Why, tha just a lad

  31. 31
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Sick person.

  32. 32
    The Rickshaw Challenge says:

    Donate to Children In Need

  33. 33
    Engineer says:

    An ‘app’ is a device for transferring quite large amounts of your money into somebody else’s pocket. As is the electronic device on which it resides.

  34. 34
    Gordon Brown says:

    Who’d like to fiddle around with MY app?

  35. 35
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    You mean you don’t walk along staring at your mobile. Good grief.

  36. 36
    Sally Bercow says:

    Do you give good head…


  37. 37
    Gonk says:

    A shag, perhaps?

  38. 38
    Wun Hung Lo says:

    No, I asked for a bento box, not chicken teryaki.

  39. 39
    Sally Barecow says:

    I’m game.

  40. 40
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Nobody on this planet.

  41. 41
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    Oh shit !

    U.S. October budget deficit at $120 billion, up from $98.5 billion in October 2011

  42. 42
    Lord Johnny Priezza says:

    I ordered 7. I’ll have your chicken teryaki if you don’t want it? got any Tiger lager? I’ll take 9.Charge it to me mysteriously stolen House Of Commons card.

  43. 43
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    You need to get in touch with your mate Tom Watson,

  44. 44
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    That Channel 4 news little shit trishungurrumcmurphy is an arrogant arsewipe. Just who the fuck does he think he is? Let me tell him, no one, just a large arsehole that has never done a proper days work.

  45. 45
    When I was a boy the poor were skinny says:

    You saw it ( me ) here first.

    Obesity plagues kids in poor neighborhoods
    RICE (US) — Children living in neighborhoods where poverty levels are high and education levels are low are more likely to be obese than children in more affluent communities.

  46. 46
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    If that Qatada wants to stop in this country then he should be made to get a job. Let’s get him and his family working for a living. The twat will soon want out.

  47. 47
    Hung Lo says:

    Very good plug-in, ad no interface is very refreshing! Heart of water

    Good, but some sites, such as live!

  48. 48
    Arthur Foxache says:

    Abu Qatada has been ordered to surrender his passport……hmmmm personally i would give him a free ticket to where ever he wants to go…

  49. 49
    Agatha Chrustie says:

    Quite. Instruction manual? For an app that lets you view a blog? Are you shitting me?

  50. 50
    Anon E Mouse says:

    Do we have to have two posts telling us how please Guido/Neo-Guido is with their free phone ?

  51. 51
    BBC Trust says:

    Look, if we give you a fifth episode of Eastenders, will that be enough to make up for what we’ve done?

  52. 52
    One-term Dave's dragging the Tories to their grave says:

    If Camoron wasn’t a europhile mong:

    1. Take away Quatada’s (£5 million annual) police protection.

    2. Publish Quatada’s home address on the web.

    3. oh, Quatada’s left the country.

  53. 53
    Arthur Foxache says:

    If plod has any competance at all he will be back inside later this week..

  54. 54
    Onhivantiretrovirals says:


  55. 55
    Mark Thatcher.. says:

    So he is a peedo then…well that changes everything…

  56. 56
    Operation Crossbow says:

    Does the phone app use the same random modding as the blog?

  57. 57
    Abolish the BBC says:

    No, but if you stop playing rock music instrumentals over every documentary/’heartwarming story of personal courage in the face of adversity’ news item (qv tonight’s One Show or any BBC local news item), then we might not laugh so much when the BBC is disbanded and its employees get dumped on the dole at the peak of their careers and never work again.

  58. 58
    Οпhіνапtігеtгоνігаlѕ says:


  59. 59
    Tachybaptus says:

    Anyone stupid enough to buy this phone (remember, sealed-in battery, no SD card) probably needs a manual to wipe his own arse.

  60. 60
    If the government did this Gweedoh would scream blue murder says:

    Yes, and it also takes photos and videos at any time without your consent, has full access to your phone’s memory, can tell who you’re phoning and it knows exactly where you are.

    Gosh, I must install that!


  61. 61
    Waving Bye Bye Not Drowning says:

    Does it float?Brown crap usually does

  62. 62
    Tachybaptus says:

    Yes, if you’re making a call and you say ‘drіvе’ it cuts you off.

  63. 63
    If the government did this Gw'ee'doh would scream blue murder says:

    Yes, and it also takes photos and videos at any time without your consent, has full access to your phone’s memory, it can tell who you’re phoning and it knows exactly where you are.

    Gosh, I must install that!


  64. 64
    Tachybaptus says:

    Peak? More like a trough.

  65. 65
    New app says:

    You heard about the Cameron app? It promises to do lots of things you’ll like but just ends up shafting you.

  66. 66
    Brown out and PAY ME DAMAGES says:

    Matthew Cain on C4 news. Mincing it for all he’s worth.

  67. 67
    The Porfit Moohamid's 6-year old wife says:

    Quatada worships a peedo, whether he is one himself..

  68. 68
    Tachybaptus says:

    Both of which are free.

  69. 69
    Agatha Chrustie says:

    “sealed-in battery”?

    Are you kidding??

    My first question re this phone is, “what’s the battery life” (given the size of the screen), my second question was going to be “how much are spare batteries?”

    Sealed-in? Jesus. What a heap of shit.

  70. 70
    anon. says:

  71. 71
    Brown out and PAY ME DAMAGES says:

    Yes. It cooks your dinner, hoovers and does the shopping.

  72. 72
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Have you seen the size of his burgers.

  73. 73
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Abbott, you are a liar.

  74. 74

    “You’re fired!”

  75. 75
    Victoria's secret says:

    With Abbott’s ‘pants on fire’ there would be an inferno – that’s why she has asbestos pants.

  76. 76
    Justin Poofy Boots says:

    I want two. One in lilac. The other in anything but brown it reminds me of crap.

  77. 77

    God moves in a mysterious way.

    Can’t explain Neo.

  78. 78
    A vulturous parasite picking on a dead corpse at the BBC. says:

    How app!

  79. 79
    Agatha Chrustie says:

    Either that, or it would look superb in the advertisements, but when you received it in the post it would be the size of a tea-chest, made of plastic that’s more brittle than an egg shell, overheat and have buttons that would break when you look at them.

    And it wouldn’t work.

    And people would laugh at you for owning one.

    I had a CPC1512. I know. I know the shame. 25 years on, it still weighs upon me!

  80. 80
    Dame Agatha Chrustie says:

    Either that, or it would look superb in the advert*isements, but when you received it in the post it would be the size of a tea-chest, made of plastic that’s more brittle than an egg shell, overheat and have buttons that would break when you look at them.

    And it wouldn’t work.

    And people would laugh at you for owning one.

    I had a CPC1512. I know. I know the shame. 25 years on, it still weighs upon me!

  81. 81

    Don’t forget BBCs second favourite MP after Big Tom … Chris Bryant.

    Remember when he kept making innuendo and hints about who’s phone had been hacked ? Beeb couldn’t run the made up nonsense fast enough.

    ” ohh! You’ll never guess who’s been haven a good old hack, eh? Hmmmm.. That’s right… Una Stubbs! Poor old bitch! Imagine , at her age..and i’ll tell you what I heard, just between us dearie, ok? … Well…my hairdresser Barry, she swore blind that she had heard that Rupert himself was dialling into Noel Edmonds calls. And Also to Cherie Blair. And Sid Owen , cos he liked to hear wassername, the ginger mhinger one,
    Sayin’ ‘Ricky! Ricky!..’.well you can put all that on Newsnight. It’s all be seen too missus.

    Oh, an’ I also heard that it was Lord Ashcroft who took the MCCann kid, but don’t quote me.”

  82. 82
    Fanny by gaslight says:

    What is wrong with using the abacus by gaslight, while you heat the kettle and the iron on the stove and listen to your wind up gramaphone. Get with it!

  83. 83
    George Young says:

    As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, “Step out please, sir”.
    I said, “Is there a problem, officer?”.
    He said, “I have reason to believe you’re drunk, sir”.
    I said, “Drunk?! I’m just an honest bloke trying to get home”.
    He said, “Well you’re not going to get very far in that wheely bin”.

  84. 84

    On the game more like.

  85. 85
    Bob the Builder says:

    Judging by your hands Guido, you haven’t done a day’s work in your life. Also, did the intern recommend the music?

  86. 86

    Sure, the app promises to do lots of things but no matter how many times you press it it does nothing at all.

  87. 87
    Anonymous says:

    Bercow & mps gag ipsa to install their own people so you can no longer see what expenses they are getting

    Nothing changes from those leeches does it!

  88. 88
    B.B.Cunt says:

    Abu Qudata has been given a job presenting Songs of Praise

  89. 89
    Lupa says:

    The B.B.C*** can alway be relied upon for balance

  90. 90
    Gaslighting says:

    Oh what a tangled web we weave. When first we practice to deceive.

  91. 91
    Justin Poofy Boots says:

    *shakes ass* Now gooooooo! Walk out the door* shakes ass* Don’t turn around now cos u r not welcome anymore* shakes ass.

  92. 92
    Gideon says:

    Does it have a peedo ring tone?

  93. 93
    Guido's Foreskinner Ring says:

    Talmud says fucking 3 yr old goy plebs up the arse is G_d’s work.

  94. 94
    Leon Brittan's Got Talent says:

    peedo hands?

  95. 95
    Basil Brush says:

    I’ve just been out for one of these. Said to the shop-keeper I’d seen it on Guido’s blog and he said “sold out”. I said, I know he has, but what about the phone.

  96. 96
    Narcissistic Sociopath says:

    It’s magic. It’s tricky trying to get your head round the tutorial. I would recommend the Nexus to anyone who is wakening up to a narcissitic sociopath. The Brownish smoke screen makes it the whole thing look crap.

  97. 97
    Fog on the Tyne says:

    Bercow “trying to nobble parliamentary expenses watchdog”. Must be getting ready to fund his wife’s damages.

  98. 98
    Dave Camoron (one-term PM) says:

    I gave you a cast-iron guarantee I’d end this bring this nonsense to an end, didn’t I?


    Guffff-haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw!

    Toodle pip!


  99. 99
    JH3 says:

    If you measure it by the fruit from the magic money tree magically dropping into their bank accounts at the end of each month it’s the peak, believe me.

  100. 100
    David Camoron (one-term PM) says:

    I’m wondering how I’m going to fund Quatada’s £5million-per-year police protection.

    I know! I’ll sack 150 police officers, saving £5 million, and use it to keep Quatada safe!

    Crikey, that was easy! Thank goodness we’re a sovereign nation! Being in Europe is peachy, eh what what??

    Tally ho!

  101. 101
    The Camoron App in a Nutshell says:

    It monitors all of your phone calls, emails and all of the websites you visit.

    Then it makes makes a large direct debit payment from your bank account and transfers the money to Brussels, where it’s never seen again.

  102. 102
    Jimmmeeegh! says:

    Says the fucking cretin who supports the Party that created “Surestart Centres”.

    SureStart: Teaching fully-educated adults how to apply for jobs, since 1998.

    At a cost of about £2 billion.

  103. 103
    JH3 says:

    If you want me to doubt something, get Abbopotamus to tell me.

    They are running scared. The BBC has immolated itself in the past week, it is all down to Labour’s little NuMedia scamps and they fucking know it.

    Christmas has come very early.

  104. 104
    JH3 says:

    A .22 Long Rifle is about 25p.

    Goes in one side of the head, bounces back off the inside of the skull and spins back to make a right bally mess. One of the reasons it kills more people than all the other calibres put together.

    Much cheaper.

  105. 105

    Because I do not live in the UK any more, there is no possibility of having to pay the BBC licence fee (no more than a tax dressed in flowery language.)

    Notwithstanding that, I have written to my MP at my last address and told him that I will only vote for a party that undertakes to sell off the BBC within two years of coming to office. I allow such time to enable the best price to be obtained. (I am allowed to vote for 15 years after having emigrated.)

    I suggest that everyone should write to their MPs in such terms. There is no single thing more important than getting rid of this lefty, brainwashing, dumbed down, badly managed propaganda monster and allowing the British people to start thinking again for themselves in far greater numbers than do now.

    Only then can we begin to make inroads into the enormously big problems which still beset our country.

  106. 106
    Thebeast of walmart says:

    You are paying too much

  107. 107
    Anonymous says:

    Never mind. I would still fuck Nadine.

  108. 108
    Frowsy nightclub owner says:

    Fanny, does your fanlight also run on gas?

  109. 109
    Another nonpaying expat scrounger says:

    Distance lends enchantment….

    … but also clarifies the vision.

  110. 110
    David Camoron says:

    Tried that once – can’t you tell ?

  111. 111
    Fuct says:

    and neither of which sell metrics about the user or track their browsing


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Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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