November 13th, 2012

WATCH: Guido App Tutorial


  1. 1
    Jimmy's piddle says:

    Yep, I’ve got nothing better to do.


    • 48
      Arthur Foxache says:

      Abu Qatada has been ordered to surrender his passport……hmmmm personally i would give him a free ticket to where ever he wants to go…


    • 49
      Agatha Chrustie says:

      Quite. Instruction manual? For an app that lets you view a blog? Are you shitting me?


      • 59
        Tachybaptus says:

        Anyone stupid enough to buy this phone (remember, sealed-in battery, no SD card) probably needs a manual to wipe his own arse.


        • 69
          Agatha Chrustie says:

          “sealed-in battery”?

          Are you kidding??

          My first question re this phone is, “what’s the battery life” (given the size of the screen), my second question was going to be “how much are spare batteries?”

          Sealed-in? Jesus. What a heap of shit.


          • Basil Brush says:

            I’ve just been out for one of these. Said to the shop-keeper I’d seen it on Guido’s blog and he said “sold out”. I said, I know he has, but what about the phone.


  2. 2
    Anonymous says:

    What about Nexus 7?


  3. 4
    Alan Sugar, Lord of the Dance says:

    This looks like the cheap tut I sell. You’ve jewed me, you rip-off bastards. Next time, I’m voting Labour.


  4. 5
    Alan Sugar, Lord of the Dance says:

    This looks like some of the cheap tut I sell. You rip-off bastards. Next time, I’m voting Green.


    • 8
      Anonymous says:

      Proof. what Proof?

      PROOFS are the currency of mathematics, but Srinivasa Ramanujan, one of the all-time great mathematicians, often managed to skip them. Now a proof has been found for a connection that he seemed to mysteriously intuit between two types of mathematical function.

      The proof deepens the intrigue surrounding the workings of Ramanujan’s enigmatic mind. It may also help physicists learn more about black holes.

      Born in 1887 in Erode, Tamil Nadu, Ramanujan was self-taught and worked in almost complete isolation from the mathematical community of his time. Described as a raw genius, he independently rediscovered many existing results, as well as making his own unique contributions, believing his inspiration came from the Hindu goddess Namagiri. But he is also known for his unusual style, often leaping from insight to insight without formally proving the logical steps in between.


    • 11
      OnBenefits says:

      Can you imagine an Amstrad smartphone???!!!!


      • 21
        Swiss Bob says:

        Definitely comment of the day, least ways funniest I’ve read.


      • 26
        Engineer says:

        Yes. Two baked bean tins and a length of taut string.


        • 74

          “You’re fired!”


        • 79
          Agatha Chrustie says:

          Either that, or it would look superb in the advertisements, but when you received it in the post it would be the size of a tea-chest, made of plastic that’s more brittle than an egg shell, overheat and have buttons that would break when you look at them.

          And it wouldn’t work.

          And people would laugh at you for owning one.

          I had a CPC1512. I know. I know the shame. 25 years on, it still weighs upon me!


        • 80
          Dame Agatha Chrustie says:

          Either that, or it would look superb in the advert*isements, but when you received it in the post it would be the size of a tea-chest, made of plastic that’s more brittle than an egg shell, overheat and have buttons that would break when you look at them.

          And it wouldn’t work.

          And people would laugh at you for owning one.

          I had a CPC1512. I know. I know the shame. 25 years on, it still weighs upon me!


  5. 7
    George Monbiot, Truth-teller says:

    We’ve completed our study, the evidence is in, and the matter is now beyond all debate: I am a complete and utter c_u_n_t.


  6. 9
    XXX says:

    No, don’t know what else is on the app, trackers, location, anything like that, unless there is a cast iron guarentee that these aren’t on the apps, oh wait a minute, I haven’t got a smart phone.


  7. 12
    Krusty says:

    I have no idea what an ‘app’ is for, and I’ve managed to get through 55 years of life without one.


  8. 13
    Nexux 6 says:

    Wasn’t Nexus something to do with Blade Runner?


  9. 14
    Jimmy says:

    Depending on the response this will be the first of a series of guides showing guidophiles how to use basic household appliances.


    • 102
      Jimmmeeegh! says:

      Says the fucking cretin who supports the Party that created “Surestart Centres”.

      SureStart: Teaching fully-educated adults how to apply for jobs, since 1998.

      At a cost of about £2 billion.


  10. 15
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Tonight 19:50 BBC World Service “From Our Own Correspondent” in Georgia @chrishams Surely we trust the World Service not to misrepresent?

    More overtime for Acting Execs trying to decide whether to pull the prog or not.


  11. 16
    Jimmy says:

    The guidophile guide to using basic household appliances #1


  12. 17
    Newsnight Production Team says:

    Tonight on Newsnight!

    Uh…we don’t know, I’m sure someone’s checked what we’re doing. We’ll put something together.


    • 24
      I don't nee d no doctor says:

      It will be something anti-tory, and based on some Tom Watson innuendo. Of course Watson will hide behind parliament. We at the BBC admire Watson, he’s our kind of guy.


      • 81

        Don’t forget BBCs second favourite MP after Big Tom … Chris Bryant.

        Remember when he kept making innuendo and hints about who’s phone had been hacked ? Beeb couldn’t run the made up nonsense fast enough.

        ” ohh! You’ll never guess who’s been haven a good old hack, eh? Hmmmm.. That’s right… Una Stubbs! Poor old bitch! Imagine , at her age..and i’ll tell you what I heard, just between us dearie, ok? … Well…my hairdresser Barry, she swore blind that she had heard that Rupert himself was dialling into Noel Edmonds calls. And Also to Cherie Blair. And Sid Owen , cos he liked to hear wassername, the ginger mhinger one,
        Sayin’ ‘Ricky! Ricky!..’.well you can put all that on Newsnight. It’s all be seen too missus.

        Oh, an’ I also heard that it was Lord Ashcroft who took the MCCann kid, but don’t quote me.”


  13. 19
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    What’s app doc?


  14. 20
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Why do I hate Tom Watson MP so much?


  15. 22
    nellnewman says:

    What is an app? What does it do? It won’t do the accounts for me-will it?


  16. 23
    很不错的插件,广告没了界面很清爽啊!心水 says:

    不错,但有些网站,如直播吧 有


    • 38
      Wun Hung Lo says:

      No, I asked for a bento box, not chicken teryaki.


      • 42
        Lord Johnny Priezza says:

        I ordered 7. I’ll have your chicken teryaki if you don’t want it? got any Tiger lager? I’ll take 9.Charge it to me mysteriously stolen House Of Commons card.


    • 47
      Hung Lo says:

      Very good plug-in, ad no interface is very refreshing! Heart of water

      Good, but some sites, such as live!


  17. 32
    The Rickshaw Challenge says:

    Donate to Children In Need


  18. 34
    Gordon Brown says:

    Who’d like to fiddle around with MY app?


  19. 41
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    Oh shit !

    U.S. October budget deficit at $120 billion, up from $98.5 billion in October 2011


  20. 44
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    That Channel 4 news little shit trishungurrumcmurphy is an arrogant arsewipe. Just who the fuck does he think he is? Let me tell him, no one, just a large arsehole that has never done a proper days work.


  21. 45
    When I was a boy the poor were skinny says:

    You saw it ( me ) here first.

    Obesity plagues kids in poor neighborhoods
    RICE (US) — Children living in neighborhoods where poverty levels are high and education levels are low are more likely to be obese than children in more affluent communities.


  22. 46
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    If that Qatada wants to stop in this country then he should be made to get a job. Let’s get him and his family working for a living. The twat will soon want out.


  23. 50
    Anon E Mouse says:

    Do we have to have two posts telling us how please Guido/Neo-Guido is with their free phone ?


  24. 51
    BBC Trust says:

    Look, if we give you a fifth episode of Eastenders, will that be enough to make up for what we’ve done?


    • 54
      Onhivantiretrovirals says:



    • 57
      Abolish the BBC says:

      No, but if you stop playing rock music instrumentals over every documentary/’heartwarming story of personal courage in the face of adversity’ news item (qv tonight’s One Show or any BBC local news item), then we might not laugh so much when the BBC is disbanded and its employees get dumped on the dole at the peak of their careers and never work again.


  25. 56
    Operation Crossbow says:

    Does the phone app use the same random modding as the blog?


    • 58
      Οпhіνапtігеtгоνігаlѕ says:



    • 60
      If the government did this Gweedoh would scream blue murder says:

      Yes, and it also takes photos and videos at any time without your consent, has full access to your phone’s memory, can tell who you’re phoning and it knows exactly where you are.

      Gosh, I must install that!



    • 63
      If the government did this Gw'ee'doh would scream blue murder says:

      Yes, and it also takes photos and videos at any time without your consent, has full access to your phone’s memory, it can tell who you’re phoning and it knows exactly where you are.

      Gosh, I must install that!



  26. 61
    Waving Bye Bye Not Drowning says:

    Does it float?Brown crap usually does


  27. 65
    New app says:

    You heard about the Cameron app? It promises to do lots of things you’ll like but just ends up shafting you.


    • 86

      Sure, the app promises to do lots of things but no matter how many times you press it it does nothing at all.


      • 101
        The Camoron App in a Nutshell says:

        It monitors all of your phone calls, emails and all of the websites you visit.

        Then it makes makes a large direct debit payment from your bank account and transfers the money to Brussels, where it’s never seen again.


  28. 66
    Brown out and PAY ME DAMAGES says:

    Matthew Cain on C4 news. Mincing it for all he’s worth.


  29. 68
    Tachybaptus says:

    Both of which are free.


  30. 70
    anon. says:


    • 73
      I don't nee d no doctor says:

      Abbott, you are a liar.


      • 75
        Victoria's secret says:

        With Abbott’s ‘pants on fire’ there would be an inferno – that’s why she has asbestos pants.


    • 103
      JH3 says:

      If you want me to doubt something, get Abbopotamus to tell me.

      They are running scared. The BBC has immolated itself in the past week, it is all down to Labour’s little NuMedia scamps and they fucking know it.

      Christmas has come very early.


  31. 76
    Justin Poofy Boots says:

    I want two. One in lilac. The other in anything but brown it reminds me of crap.


  32. 78
    A vulturous parasite picking on a dead corpse at the BBC. says:

    How app!


  33. 82
    Fanny by gaslight says:

    What is wrong with using the abacus by gaslight, while you heat the kettle and the iron on the stove and listen to your wind up gramaphone. Get with it!


  34. 83
    George Young says:

    As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, “Step out please, sir”.
    I said, “Is there a problem, officer?”.
    He said, “I have reason to believe you’re drunk, sir”.
    I said, “Drunk?! I’m just an honest bloke trying to get home”.
    He said, “Well you’re not going to get very far in that wheely bin”.


  35. 87
    Anonymous says:

    Bercow & mps gag ipsa to install their own people so you can no longer see what expenses they are getting

    Nothing changes from those leeches does it!


    • 98
      Dave Camoron (one-term PM) says:

      I gave you a cast-iron guarantee I’d end this bring this nonsense to an end, didn’t I?


      Guffff-haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw!

      Toodle pip!



  36. 88
    B.B.Cunt says:

    Abu Qudata has been given a job presenting Songs of Praise


  37. 90
    Gaslighting says:

    Oh what a tangled web we weave. When first we practice to deceive.


  38. 91
    Justin Poofy Boots says:

    *shakes ass* Now gooooooo! Walk out the door* shakes ass* Don’t turn around now cos u r not welcome anymore* shakes ass.


  39. 96
    Narcissistic Sociopath says:

    It’s magic. It’s tricky trying to get your head round the tutorial. I would recommend the Nexus to anyone who is wakening up to a narcissitic sociopath. The Brownish smoke screen makes it the whole thing look crap.


  40. 97
    Fog on the Tyne says:

    Bercow “trying to nobble parliamentary expenses watchdog”. Must be getting ready to fund his wife’s damages.


    • 100
      David Camoron (one-term PM) says:

      I’m wondering how I’m going to fund Quatada’s £5million-per-year police protection.

      I know! I’ll sack 150 police officers, saving £5 million, and use it to keep Quatada safe!

      Crikey, that was easy! Thank goodness we’re a sovereign nation! Being in Europe is peachy, eh what what??

      Tally ho!


      • 104
        JH3 says:

        A .22 Long Rifle is about 25p.

        Goes in one side of the head, bounces back off the inside of the skull and spins back to make a right bally mess. One of the reasons it kills more people than all the other calibres put together.

        Much cheaper.


  41. 105

    Because I do not live in the UK any more, there is no possibility of having to pay the BBC licence fee (no more than a tax dressed in flowery language.)

    Notwithstanding that, I have written to my MP at my last address and told him that I will only vote for a party that undertakes to sell off the BBC within two years of coming to office. I allow such time to enable the best price to be obtained. (I am allowed to vote for 15 years after having emigrated.)

    I suggest that everyone should write to their MPs in such terms. There is no single thing more important than getting rid of this lefty, brainwashing, dumbed down, badly managed propaganda monster and allowing the British people to start thinking again for themselves in far greater numbers than do now.

    Only then can we begin to make inroads into the enormously big problems which still beset our country.


  42. 107
    Anonymous says:

    Never mind. I would still fuck Nadine.


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