November 12th, 2012

Sweaty Balls and Other Tales

The updated register of Members of Interests provided rich pickings for this week’s Daily Star Sunday column. Chris Huhne is cashing in on his Energy contacts, Nadine’s taking Ashcroft money and Labour have their very own absent earners. Guido’s favourite story of the week was the coming nightmare for Ed Balls:

THE Tories have finally accepted that their cherished plan to redraw parliamentary boundaries, heavily favouring Labour at the moment, is dead in the water. They’ve begun to select candidates for the next election in the old seats. Ed Balls’ patch near Leeds is high up the target list. The Tories were just 1,101 votes short of scalping their nemesis last time round, fewer votes than the UKIP candidate got. If the Tories choose a suitably Eurosceptic candidate and UKIP sits this one out, Balls will have one hell of a fight on his hands.

The whole column is now online here


153 Comments

  1. 1
    Tuscan Tony says:

    More to the point why is it dead in the water?

    Like

    • 8
      Democracy Now says:

      Because they are cowards and don’t really believe in one people’s votes having equal weight. Just like the LibDems and Labour don’t either. Which tells you everything you need to know about how inherently undemocratic out three main parties really are.

      Like

      • 37
        Anonymous says:

        So can we have AV where by everyone’s vote will have equal weight?

        Like

        • 57
          lmao says:

          Genuine proportional representation is what we need but the LibLabCon will never allow that because it will let in the smaller, newer parties and eventually break the old firms’ monopoly.

          Like

        • 84
          Democracy Now says:

          I object to a consituency in Scotland with 21,800 voters being about 4 times smaller than the largest constituency in England which has 108,000 voters and is also an island. That is just taking the piss.

          Like

          • Plato says:

            In what sense?

            Surely, the question is, if you have to raise an issue with your M.P. is it resolved quickly and properly? Why does it matter how many other people he/she has to look after?

            Like

          • Democracy Now says:

            It matters because 108,000 voters in England get one MP and in Scotland the same number of people would have 4 MPs. That is unacceptable.

            Like

          • JH3 says:

            What is even more unacceptable is that Scottish voters basically get to decide who the English get as their government.

            Ignore the Scottish vote, even up the boundaries and the English might have their democracy back.

            Like

          • Anonymous says:

            Independence from Scotland Now.

            Like

          • Sally Bercow says:

            Move 10 000 people to the Isle of Wight and let the delicious Sally Bercow run in the second constituency. So long as she comes first!

            Like

    • 123
      Ehtch says:

      Late night,
      since begin of time,
      we chat and discuss,
      start playing music,
      then sing,
      get inebriated,
      since begin of time,
      last night.

      YOUTUBE LIVES!

      Like

    • 127
      lojolondon says:

      Because ‘Brave Dave’ is so thick that he left it to the last minute. Now the Lib Dems won’t play ball anymore, especially because they would also be losers if the boundaries are redrawn…. kind of like getting turkeys to vote for Christmas.

      Like

    • 135
      Ehtch says:

      OH BUGGER IT! since my obvious apparent weakness for youtubby vids, might as well post another one, since I have spoken to Jim/Shelly over time, might as well post another one YT.

      This is for smellycat, better known as stroppycow here, with all my love – and I have left a joke there just, if my fellow tory brits get it,

      So – dogging in a layby then stroppycow? Now you know where to find me, so we have got the indroductions out of the way. I’ll bring the wellingtons.

      Like

  2. 2
    Labour says:

    We love money! Especially YOURS!

    Like

  3. 3
    concrete pump says:

    Why would UKIP ‘sit this one out’…?

    They’d love to stick one up the Tories.

    Like

    • 5
      Emperor Rumpy says:

      If the Tories wish they can always leave an open field for the UKIP candidate.

      Like

      • 9
        Selohesra says:

        I think Dave might make an exception and allow a genuine sceptic to stand – just to get one over on Balls

        Like

        • 16
          No Deal says:

          Even if he does UKIP should also put up a candidate. This is supposed to be a democratic country and some would rather vote UKIP than Europhile Dave.

          The Tories won’t win anyway and that is all down to Dave and Osborne, not UKIP.

          Like

          • It's a funny old world politics...... says:

            Mmm not so sure that the Tories will actually lose despite forebodings….it all depends on the state of the economy at the time of the election. If growth has returned;unemployment falling and people starting to feel better about their lives then Labour could not necessarily do as well as is predicted…there is still 30 months to go before an election and as they say a week is a long time in politics

            Like

          • Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

            Contingent on the bBBC of course.

            Like

          • green ink says:

            sound contention funny old world

            Like

    • 129
      lojolondon says:

      As a UKIP supporter, there is nothing in it for us – we have to stand and make Dave lose seats. Only then will he listen to his voters.

      Like

  4. 4
    BLI NKY and FLI PPA says:

    Doesn’t matter – we’ve made enough money from the taxpayer anyway.

    Like

  5. 6
    Herman van Rumboy says:

    Zis is not funny.

    Like

  6. 7
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Time for another arrest. It’ll give the Beeb something to report other than…

    Like

  7. 10
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    “Britain’s Labour Party in dynastic push ” The Times of India obviously don’t do hat tips.

    Like

  8. 11
    Silly Sally B13 COW says:

    Can’t I claim Parliamentary Privilege ?

    Like

  9. 12
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Voice of Elmo on leave from Sesame Street after he was accused of having ‘se xual relationship with underage boy’ Mail

    And Miss Piggy??

    Like

  10. 14
    A fine pair of lungs. says:

    What a lot of tripe about mad Nads. She is the Claire Short of the Conservative Party. Short on intelligence. Always moaning about the party and a money grubbing arsewipes too boot. I despise the lying parasite. We can all live without that nonsense.

    Like

    • 40
      Mad, bad and dangerous to know says:

      Go on you know you WOULD !!!!

      Like

      • 66
        A fine pair of lungs and I can prove it! says:

        What? Spit on her? Only if she wasn’t on fire. She is a money grubbing opportunist and everything Idespised in Labour, she is becoming just like them.

        Like

        • 112
          UKIP.i.am.still says:

          But she’s giving her MP money to charity while not ion the Commons. The Treasury would be a lot richer if that absentee trougher Gordon Brown did that.

          Like

    • 62
      lmao says:

      Dorries is a pain in the arse but she’s not in the same league as Labour cockroaches like Harman, Hodge and the oafish Sally Bercow.

      Like

      • 108
        Divisive says:

        Wake up fool. She is a divisive money grubbing hoon. Totally useless to boot.

        Like

        • 114
          UKIP.i.am.still says:

          She speaks her mind which is more than most Yes-men MPs do. I don’t like her but you have to give her some credit for that.

          Like

  11. 15
    Hank the Cat says:

    I’ve got two lovely furry balls both of them look like the two Eds

    Like

  12. 17
    Ehtch says:

    Sweaty balls!?! They need chopping they do, the fecking corrupt political enuchs they are.

    Clean my moat from weeds, my leftie ‘arris!

    Like

  13. 18
    Crispy Pancake says:

    That’s the last time I vote for those CAN’TS.

    Like

  14. 20
    Some Twat up North says:

    Abu Qatada out tomorrow, what a gay day

    Like

  15. 21
    Operation Crossbow says:

    The Tories are unbelievable. They want to keep Scotland, yet getting rid of it would cost Labour 50 seats. They give up on the boundary changes that would have cost Labour up to 30 seats and they appear to be missing out on the chance to kill the BBC.

    Remind me is Cameron actually a Tory or Gordon Brown in a rubber ‘Dave’ mask?

    Like

    • 27
      Call me Dave says:

      I’m a liberal old boy, don’t you know?

      Like

    • 32
      Ehtch says:

      Tories want to keep Scotland? Well, they are nit trying really hard are they, for your said reson. They are only tokenly really saying that because Queenie is giving Dave Cams a earache each week at Bucks Palace due to her holiday home in Balmoral. Anyway, what will Lizzie and her family do with their vast mardrobes full of tartan then?

      Song for her sis Marge – she called a spade a spade, and the torys just would not leave her alone, would they?

      Lillibet has “liked” this song about her sis, rumour has it… gong in the mail Q Liz? : )

      Like

    • 49
      NFC says:

      Almost makes you want to believe in conspiracy theories after all. Is the man just stupid?.

      Like

    • 51
      It's a funny old world politics...... says:

      The clue is in the name…The Conservative and UNIONIST Party…….

      Like

    • 53
      Someone shoot Camoron before he does real damage says:

      2004: Labour flooded Britain with 650,000 East-European job-stealing petty-thief benefit-claiming immigrants.

      2014: Dave plans to flood Britain with up to 29 million East-European job-stealing petty-thief benefit-claiming immigrants.

      Dave. He’s like Labour, but much much worse.

      Like

    • 56
      Someone slot Camoron before he does real damage says:

      2004: Labour flooded Britain with 650,000 East-European job-stealing petty-thief benefit-claiming immigrants.

      2014: Dave plans to flood Britain with up to 29 million East-European job-stealing petty-thief benefit-claiming immigrants.

      Camoron. He’s like Labour, but much much worse.

      Like

  16. 24
    Gold medallists in the triple flip event says:

    Pushing up local house prices, so you don’t have to.

    Like

  17. 25
    Let's find out where he lives and cave his fucking head in says:

    Muslim cleric Abu Qatada granted bail and due to be released from Long Lartin Prison in Worcestershire on Tuesday

    Like

    • 43
      One-term Dave, the vacuous knave, says:

      Of course you can’t “cave his head in”. I’ll put round the clock protection on him. This will cost millions every year, of course, but if I sack lots of soldiers and close some hospital wards and cut back on policing in other areas, I’m sure I can scrape together enough to protect this chap.

      Vote for me in 2015, won’t you? Jolly decent of you.

      Tally ho!

      Like

  18. 26
    You could always leave the UK Anjem says:

    Like

  19. 28
    Education, Edyerkayshun, Eddyookaashun says:

    ‘granted bale’

    https://twitter.com/standardnews/status/267999941912313857

    Like

  20. 29
    Witch King of Angmar says:

    I hate the EU. I’d rather pitchfork my testes to a tesla coil than be governed by them.

    No wonder Cameron walks with a limp.

    Like

  21. 31
    Michael Fucking Parkinson says:

    I’ve met hundreds of fascinating people

    Like

    • 34
      concrete pump says:

      Are you counting the 987 times you’ve interviewed Jamie fucking Cullum…?

      Like

    • 101
      The Sceptic says:

      Arthur Scargil were t’ one I admired most, ‘cos he come from Yorkshire, tha see.

      In t’ meantime I’ve persuaded 700,000 old twerps to part with their hard earned cash so they could get a free pen. It’s a parker tha knows.

      Like

  22. 36
  23. 38
    The beginner's guide to English says:

    “Ed Balls’ patch near Leeds is high up the target list.”

    Balls’s patch.

    Like

    • 50
      Ehtch says:

      I like Balls – he has, AHEM!, well, Balls, which are needed. He’ll go far.

      Like Leeds too, rather tory in strange way their county is, for some british historical peculiarity of brit history.

      Here is Allan Clarke, from Willenall, near Brirmingham, scoring for them against that Lahndahn Arse, in the Centenary FA Cup Final back in ’72, enjoy a bit of brit history, sportingly, coats for goalposts and all that,

      Was a big big big LUAFC supporter when I was young – maube being eighth yprkie in my genes in Wales might have had something to do with it. DNA moves in mysterious ways, you could say.

      Like

      • 125
        stroppycow-gooner4ever!!!!!! says:

        Not too sure what the fuck you’ve taken – but it sure aint legal – I’ll bet.

        Like

        • 132
          Ehtch says:

          I refer my answer to the one I posted previous.

          Clever is close to madness, that is all the excuse i can give. So just blame God – he put me in this skin.

          or have I made it worse in your mind… ACH – could spend my whole life going round in circles with these tory numbnuts. SONG!

          Siarad ‘dy fi yn cymreag neeu ffranc, ond os to moin ffraneg – venez me parler quand vous êtes éduqués vie, BUTT!

          Like

  24. 44
    Alistair Campcunt says:

    I’m going to run the BBC! Wait, I already do.

    Like

  25. 45
    Hank the Cat says:

    I think that Call me Dave should be the next DG, he has left wing ideas, buys into climate change and all things green, does not like tories and is pro EU.

    Like

    • 47
      Fatso watson watch says:

      + 1000000

      Like

    • 67
      Roscoe Rules says:

      I think the Pope should be the next BBC Director General.
      He’s used to handling a crisis when it comes to child abuse and cover up.

      Like

      • 68
        Roscoe Rules says:

        Also Chris Patten’s loyalty wouldn’t be divided between bosses.

        Like

      • 141
        John Bercow says:

        Did Jim Torbett work for Rangers?

        Yes he did, you wont hear that from a rangers fan though, he ran the boys club for 3 years

        Anyone of the former Rangers managers could do the job better as this never gets mentioned in the papers.

        What a cover up!

        Like

    • 111
      not a machine reloaded says:

      Dave as DG of the BBC …… hard to say what the programs would be like :)

      Top Gear replaced with ministerial limo
      CBBC replaced with Eton Channel
      newsnight replaced with celebrity pot smoking

      Like

  26. 54
    HenryV says:

    3 years is a long time. Can we see the EU situation getting any better? Between now and 2015 perhaps the Tories will see an EU exit as the only way to stop in power? Can you imagine a Tory party rolling over on the one issue that can get them back in, leaving a door open to Labour, and being electable ever again?

    Like

    • 65
      Someone slot Camoron before he does any more damage says:

      “Can we see the EU situation getting any better?”

      Nope, not a hope. And between now and May 2015, Camoron will throw at least £47.5 billion of our money at the EU.

      And the EU will put the whole lot in a big pile, and burn it.

      And Camoron will say, “this is in our interest. We must never contemplate ending this.”

      Like

      • 74
        Albion says:

        I think Mrs Merkel has a plan to use the money, so it won’t all be burnt.

        Pobably a memorial for helping free them from the nasty nazis, whoever they were.

        Like

      • 75
        BodMot says:

        >And the EU will put the whole lot in a big pile, and burn it.

        oh not it won’t a large part of that will find it’s way into the pockets of the politicly connected.

        We’ll be poorer, but the ruling class will be richer. It’s the post-democratic way, and they’ll be removed in the pre-democratic way.

        Like

      • 134
        HenryV says:

        Now that £47 billion is an interesting figure. Earlier today in a discussion in the real world (yes there is one) I calculated a similar figure would be needed to be spent on nuclear power stations to make up shortfalls in supply because of Blairs and the EU’s 4 or 5 million extra mouths that now live here.

        Like

  27. 55
    Postal Vote says:

    Don’t forget Balls most likely benefitted from the 10,000 postal votes in his constituency, since labour have a well-oiled postal votes machine, with Tower Hamlets providing best-in-class performance.

    And last election the postal votes got stuck in Leeds for a while, delaying the result in that particular constituency!

    Like

    • 72
      Well it's a thought says:

      Camoron could cancel postal voting and make people contact the council if they want to vote, the council could send people out to individuals, make sure you watch the watcher as sometimes t*rds float to the top..

      Like

    • 142
      dunstall says:

      Polly from Tuscany writes (I couldnt possibly leave my home to line up with the plebs not even for Mr Millibum)

      Like

  28. 77
    Albion says:

    Come on UKIP.

    Like

  29. 80
    Applecart says:

    I imagine most readers of your blog predicted in the first week of the Coalition that the Boundary Changes would never happen in this parliament. It was a dead cert that the Lib Dems would renege on the agreement. I wouldn’t trust any of them to walk my dog, let alone honour a solemn contract. As a party of shysters and opportunists they disgust me

    Like

    • 91
      NFC says:

      Empty scrotum bags were quite happy to see the Limpdums wast us £200 million quid on there pet a/v project though, that went down like a lead balloon.

      Like

    • 93
      Albion says:

      It’s also a dead cert that whatever CmD says he’s gonna do, never happens.

      Totally agree with the disgust sentiment for the party of useless donothings.

      Clegg’s gotta be a prime candidate for Fat Pang’s job, and the rest could take up jobs vacated by the step aside, time serving slugoids.

      Like

    • 103
      not a machine reloaded says:

      I never quite took the boundry changes in full , in part because I felt things should be organised more within county boundries. That said I can certainly see that somthing has to got give in political structures and costs . The lib dems wanted to emphasise the top layers which of course isnt where a great many of the current account problems that affect voters actually occures , although best not make eyes water with foreign aid ….

      Like

  30. 81
    The savant6 says:

    Guido. Why have you not opened a string on qatada ??

    Does he get an entwhistle – like 15k a day for each day he has been. “Wrongly”. Detained ??

    This country s judiciary of left wing pinkos and out of touch octogenarians have eunuched the political. Establishment

    Tracy. May has even been refused lea ve to appeal !!

    Her only option is to prostrate herself before the supreme court hoping they will. Relent ..

    Their whole current judicial cadre should be gently garroted and a cohort of judge roy bean s. elected in their place

    Like

    • 89
      not a machine reloaded says:

      mmm between Bad Bob and Miss Lilly langtree , theres plenty to to go at ….

      Like

    • 92
      Hakuna Qatada says:

      These extremist fucks fighting extradition do serve at least one useful purpose.
      As a constant reminder to the public what a bunch of EU cock sucking c*nts we have in Parliament.

      Like

    • 148
      Juj Jef (you know who) says:

      I’m free (in both time and cost meanings).

      Like

  31. 87
    not a machine reloaded says:

    Bit of fun for DP to muse over

    Lets talk about tax , baby , lets talk about you and me , lets talk about all the good things and bad things , that that may be ….. letss talk abooout Tax
    or
    Gangnam style :)

    sometimes I feel like throwin my hands up in the air , these coffees and online retailing oh lord aint helping my council with the cuts, but George can we count on you …

    Like

  32. 95
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Alarm bells ringing’ over paedophile priests cover up in Australia
    The Catholic Church has once again been marred by paedophilia claims, this time concerning the New South Wales Hunter region.

    Miliband has called for a judge-led inquiry saying Australia seems to be full of criminals.

    Like

    • 149
      Waltzing Matilda in exile says:

      Large empty spaces down that way. Could we not perhaps direct all these incoming eastern Youropeens that way? There’s a huge demand for installing water piping across the centre of Oz.

      Like

  33. 96
    Ex Ex Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Alarm bells ringing’ over p4edophile priests cover up in Australia
    The Catholic Church has once again been marred by p4edophilia claims, this time concerning the New South Wales Hunter region.

    Miliband has called for a judge-led inquiry saying Australia seems to be full of criminals.

    Reply

    Like

  34. 98
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    GREAT POLITICAL QUOTATIONS OF OUR TIME

    “Who are you? Mr president, Who are you?”

    Nigel Ferage
    European Council and Commission statements – EU 2020 – Follow-up of the informal European Council of 11 February 2010

    Like

  35. 106
    won't get fooled again says:

    Labour and their BBC pals really are scum. Many, many people were fooled into believing those smears about the Tory until the alleged victim Messham admitted it was mistaken identity. A lot of damage had been done by then though but fortunately it has backfired on the smearing turds.

    What is really galling is the leftist filth behind these smear tactics are still in the House of Commons on the public payroll or in Broadcasting House living the high life off the licence tax.

    Suing a few idiots isn’t enough. It’s time we had a real right-wing backlash against the leftists and stop their corrosive and highly damaging effect on this country before it’s too late.

    Like

  36. 115
    subbuteo says:

    Why is Ashcroft funding Dorries? sounds suspicious.

    Like

  37. 116
    Rat's arse says:

    Urgent Question in the HOC about the Bias Broadcasting Corporation – the communications wing of the Labour Party.

    I notice that all the Labour MPs are saying how wonderful & respected the BBC is – wonder why? After all, the BBC do serve the Labour Party well.

    Like

  38. 130
    blub says:

    The only Tory MPs who are guaranteed to be europhile no matter how bad it gets are those Tory MPs who don’t have the negatives.

    Like

  39. 144
    Observer. says:

    The crazies are out in force tonight,mmh a full moon,I think i,ll get a taxi home.

    Like

  40. 150
    Remittance Man says:

    If the Tories choose a suitably Eurosceptic candidate and UKIP sits this one out, Balls will have one hell of a fight on his hands.

    No. If the Tories offer a genuinely conservative and Eurosceptic manifesto, including an In/Out Referendum commitment, and field a genuinely eurosceptic candidate, they might just persuade UKIP to stand down.

    With Cameron at the helm, they haven’t got a chance.

    Like

  41. 151
    Fox & Werritty Consultants says:

    If Hodge worked for us and conducted a meeting like that we would sack her .

    Like

  42. 152
    Golly says:

    The esteemed BBC is committed to providing 45 miniutes of investigative journalism on 5 of the 7 days of the week .

    £145.50 is extracted from every household in the land annually for this.

    Can you smell coffee?

    Like

  43. 153
    Eric Cartman says:

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4640916/Cash-tin-stolen-as-vets-rally.html

    Who does she think she is Rangers FC 1872 (Liquidated)?

    Like


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Insurgent Parties Plunge Labour Into Crisis | Alex Wickham
Mind-Bending Politics of Drugs | Mark Wallace
PC Worries Prevent Police Protecting Young Girls | Jill Kirby
Miliband Should Win Rochester | Martin Kettle
Thatcher Minister Sir John Nott ‘Voted for UKIP’ | Times
Time to Listen to Drugs Experts | Guardian
Drug Laws Don’t Work | Times
Our Moral Duty to Cut Taxes | David Cameron
Greens Ahead of LibDems | Guardian
Channel 4 to Spoof UKIP Election Win | Guardian
The Threat to Press Freedom | Paul Dacre


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“Politicians attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator by posturing with tough policies and calling for crackdown after crackdown. Drugs policy has been failing for decades.”



“Digger” Murdoch says:

Is it just me, or is Nigel Farage just a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain?


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