October 26th, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Rent Swapping Edition)


  1. 1
    lewismadigan says:

    Rent Swapping: It’s a piece of Cake.

  2. 2
    Andrew Efiong says:

    No matter what buttons you press the answer is always more money

  3. 3
    Kebab Time says:

    “I even get a free calculator to work out how much i am raking in, kERCHING! “

  4. 4
    Crispy Pancakes says:

    …and your chicks for free.

  5. 5
    Dennis McShane's Shed says:

    I do like big sums…

  6. 6
    In the middle of the UK's tsumani of filth says:

    Hello Guido


    What ever happened to the Chilcot Report

    Did His Ermin Highness Chilcot fall under a bus by any chance?

    I am dying to know…

    Or did our Tone “nobble’ him ?

  7. 7
    adamdelved says:

    If you read it upside down it says “SHAMELESS”

  8. 8
    Ben Fellows says:

    Rent boys for hire !

  9. 9
    Jimmy Soapville and the BBCs says:

    We know how to shut people up you know

  10. 10
    Chris Bryant says:

    Bastard, only I am allowed on the Gravy Train.

  11. 11
    Nullbymouth says:

    Rehearsals for the new CH4 program, ‘How low can you go’ take place today.

  12. 12
  13. 13
    Dennis McShane's Shed says:

    Viper and adder.

  14. 14
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    Is that first class?

  15. 15
    Oh for gawds sake... says:

    Does that picture really need a caption? It pretty much tells the whole story all by itself doesn’t it..?

  16. 16
    Open!! University says:

    S187 – Accountancy for twats – Room 58

  17. 17
    Do Nowt Dave says:

    Can I have a go?

  18. 18
    Crispy Pancakes says:


  19. 19
    Jimmy Savile and 'friend' says:

    We can prove that 2 into 1 will go

  20. 20
    Jus' Turing says:

    +765,432 M+

  21. 21
    Britain's Establishment says:

    Expense fiddling to the left, kiddie fiddling to the right.

  22. 22
    Calvin says:

    “Leave it on Bercow’s desk and tell him it’s normal size”

  23. 23
    Lou Costello says:

    Abbott’s always trying to put one over on me, so this time I’m turning the tables (I’m even teaching Sam “Shemp” Howard, the “Stooge,” how to do it so he can stick it to his brother Moe):

  24. 24
    BBC Pornographic Workshop says:

    Why do I need a calculator? My taxpaper funded accountant does all that.

  25. 25
    Anonymous says:

    “Welcome to Parliament Mr Amess. I see you have found the calculator and I am sure that you will enjoy the other tax payer funded freebees”

  26. 26
    Calvin says:

    The Bank of Scotland logo on it explained how the MOD had managed to go £50 billion over budget on office stationary

  27. 27
    Bob says:

    He’s fucked, and bombed

  28. 28
    BBC Pornographic Workshop says:

    Who’s on first?

  29. 29
    Nullbymouth says:

    Calculator has 4 functions more than the operator.

  30. 30
    Ed Balls MP says:

    4 Sale: 1 Calculator, Never Used
    Inquire, Palace of Westminster

  31. 31
    Leaving for the Shetlands says:

    Rent boy for rent!

  32. 32
    I Squiggle says:

    Yes, and next I want to be a M.E.P. Now they have really *good* expenses, and no stupid oversight..

  33. 33
    Chris Bryant says:

    Do you want to borrow my batteries?

  34. 34
    Quisling says:

    While using the IPSA approved calculator to do his expenses David Amess choose to overlook the glaring mistake just one last time.

  35. 35

    For some, it’s a piece of Coke.

  36. 36
    Anonymous says:

    there is m.on.ey which gives you life.
    and then there is funny.money.
    aunties and mothers (referred to by Prince Charles as mummy) of this world have been naff. time to grow up.

  37. 37
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Rent-seeking: It’s a way of life.

  38. 38
    Spinal damage says:

    Sorry. It is not funny.

  39. 39
    Jon Widnall says:

    But seriously, we’re going to need a bigger calculator.

  40. 40

    Lloyds Bank, Bank of Scotland, Halifax, on top row buttons.

    Even this calculator is not big enough to work out the state aid for that lot.

  41. 41
    Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but has the following Employee Statistics.

    29 have been accused of spouse abuse,
    7 have been arrested for fraud,
    9 have been accused of writing bad cheques,
    17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses,
    3 have done time for assault,
    71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
    14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
    8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
    21 are currently defendants in lawsuits,
    84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,
    An 90% accused of fiddling…..expenses

  42. 42
    steviebounce says:

    David Amess: I even claimed for the giant calculator!


    DA: I need a calculator this big to fit all my expense claims on!

  43. 43
    Gordon McMoron thieving scotch jessie says:

    For some, it’s a piece of Cack.

  44. 44
    Lord Stansted says:

    I assume it’s still a case of “Chilcot report into Iraq delayed by Whitehall refusal to release evidence”?


  45. 45
    Its a Lemon says:

    Hit and Amess approach to cleaning up parliament fails, as HoC fruit machine inadvertantly reveals true reason MPs seek your vote…

  46. 46
    Lord Stansted says:

    Dr Who?

  47. 47
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    The benefits system being explained to a group of arts graduates.

  48. 48

    Then the high priest rent his clothes, and saith, What need we any further witnesses?
    Mark 14:63

  49. 49
    gormless says:


  50. 50
    gormless, take 2 says:


  51. 51

    Don’t worry. The big picture will always be obscured by more frivolous matters.

  52. 52
    Ex Ah! Monika says:

    Meanwhile…filibustering in the House!!

  53. 53
    Maximus says:

    Voice (out of shot): Mr Amess, please say “cheese”, not “snaffletroughergrunt”.

  54. 54
    Another Engineer says:

    Money for life, generously supported by

    Lloyds, Bank of Scotland and Halifax

    the taxpayer.

  55. 55
    Alex says:

    “And the number of MP’s renting rooms in my London home is: FIVE!”

  56. 56
    Owen Jones says:

    Work for the BBC – free money for life.

  57. 57

    For our host, it is a piece of Cobh. (OK fairly close)

  58. 58
    Herman of the EU says:

    You English are very strange in your jokes. I see nothing amusing in this photograph. I simply see a smiling man standing next to a giant calculator. But I will try. Therefore my caption is: “A man is standing by a calculator that is large”. Ha ha ha! This is very funny, no? Finally, may I remind you that under the EU humour quota, at least 22.1 per cent of captions should involve Mr Bean walking into a glass door. Zank you.

  59. 59
    It's only someone elses money says:

    “I was limited by the amount of digits. It should read “Your money for the rest of my life'”

  60. 60
    Dick Scratcher says:


  61. 61
    Ex Ah! Monika says:

    And while we ( well some) are looking at the coasts of First Class rail fares the elephant in the room goes un-noticed.

    UK climate change department takes over 3000 flights at a cost of over £1.3m
    £6,000 to Tokyo !!

  62. 62
    Steve says:

    “Guess how many houses I rent out?!”

  63. 63
    Mark Oaten says:

    Can it do logs?

  64. 64
    Time to move as I am not living a lie for a violating, bullying, exploitive, lying, Gaybo. says:


  65. 65
    TheE17Tory says:

    Six from the top please Carol

  66. 66

    And..now..watch…I turn it upside down and it says BOOBS

  67. 67


    Amess has 5 children. This is key. IDS wants to cut his allowance.

  68. 68
    Ed Balls says:

    Did someone call

  69. 69
    An MP says:

    My mission statement

  70. 70
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    Cameron hinted at child benefit for 3 kids only in July. It must have sent a shiver down the spines of people who use child benefit as their main business plan.

    I reckon that the maternity wards will be packed with poppers in March/April next year.

  71. 71
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    Wotcha Ed.

  72. 72
    Pierre, also of the EU says:

    ‘Ere is ma caption. Perhaps ze man next to ze calculateur, ‘e is saying: “Sacre bleau! Monsieur le Bean, ‘e has just walked into a door made of glass!” Ha ha ha ha ha! But serieusement, I do ‘ope zat I win le competition.

  73. 73
  74. 74
    Biff says:

    David’s cheesy grin left viewers unimpressed, on his first day at work as the Countdown boffin

  75. 75
    dunstall says:

    Im f….. but Im rich thanks to all u silly f……

  76. 76

    Well, it is a hand-held.

  77. 77
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    And then you multiply the genuine claim by 5.

  78. 78
    English Heretic says:

    Press this button to re-arrange these words using the HoC expenses calculator:




  79. 79
    UKIP convert says:

    “Being an MP = Money For Life”

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    if we change the framework, we can be abramovitch like and say take the money and feck off.

    savile did this and bought his freedom from the police.
    Being a greedy so.and.so he wanted more.
    He went southwards.
    Then he discovered the vast freedoms of the institutions close to the heart of Britain.
    and he did what they said so they fixed it for him. But,
    he could not did not dare show his frail caring side. so petrified he was that he could could show care for the dead, by cleaning and bathing them.

    is the issue money or who controls those who control the world of money. We see the world within a framework. is our framework restrictive.
    is it making us unhealthy. even ill.
    in whose interest is it that we remain worker bees.

  81. 81
    Mindless Drone says:

    “So, if you take the house that you own, add on the rent from another MP, add on your own rent subsidy from IPSA, subtract the cost of public scrutiny, then multiply by the number of years you serve in Parliament, you get…….”

  82. 82
    English Heretic says:

    Shedloads! (hat-tip Denis McShane).

  83. 83

    With these banks sponsoring this calculator, I think it means they’re KEEPING your money for life!

  84. 84
    S. Jester says:

    New MP initiation process may be setting a bad example

  85. 85
    Anon Hacked off Voter !! says:

    “For big Pig MP’s Money for Life is 100% guaranteed Tax Free, their snouts are always in the Tax Payers trough which they don’t want you to see, full stop. ….oink…oink”

  86. 86
    Anon says:

    & under age min*ors inclu*ded @ no extra co*st

  87. 87
    ho hum says:

    MPs calculate their expenses on Tax Us Instruments

  88. 88
    C2C says:

    Creep chooses not to avail himself of our superb 40 minute service to London Fenchurch street from Leigh On Sea.

  89. 89
    Returning Officer says:

    Luckily for Amess he hails from a constituency where you could have an artificial fanny standing as MP and it would be voted in with an overwhelming majority!

  90. 90
    Returning Officer says:

    With his expenses alone the pious Mr Amess could afford 20 kids.

  91. 91
    David Oilmess says:

    Money for life and chicks for free.

    Someone has to do it!

  92. 92
    Vazeline® The Slipperiest Substance On The Planet says:

    Jeez my long held title and trade mark may be facing a challenge!

  93. 93
    Rotherham Person says:

    Gordon’s calculator?

  94. 94
    A Timely Reminder says:

    The only photograph that exists in the entire world of Amess without the trade mark cheesy (I’m f***ing you all over) grin.


    …and the reason, it was snapped when he finally made a dash for it, after being holed up in a ladies hairdressers rather than talk about his absurd expense claims!!!

  95. 95
    Waltzing Matilda says:

    Oy vay, not again I hav to tell you! It’s viper after you’ve adder. kapish?

  96. 96
    gravy train says:

    they haven’t earnt enough out of it yet – few more years and they will be getting close. then we can have a preliminary report and revisions etc which should see them all to a more comfortable retirement.
    These inquires need ordinary people on them – not the greedy and already got.

  97. 97
    Waltzing Matilda says:

    So THAT’s how Balls and brown did their numbers!

  98. 98
    Peter Grant says:

    The ‘MC’ button is hard-wired into Ed Balls’ Brain, and it must have been pressed some time after his interview with Andrew Marr. Either that, or he is a plain and simple liar, liar, pants on fire, deficit denier!

  99. 99
    Dame Shirley Bassey says:

    Expenses Finger, He’s The Man With The Midas Touch.


  100. 100
    Jaap from Holland says:

    Hi, my name is Jaap from Holland. For sure, I would also like to enter the competition. Sorry, I do not know the English, but my funny caption reads: “Een man genaamd Mr Bean, niet het zien van een glazen deur, wandelingen in het bij toeval!” Do I win 5 euros?

  101. 101
    Nick Clegg says:

    hello, Jaap. As a Dutch speaker, I thought your caption was very funny. Yours too, Pierre, and also Herman. I’m a great supporter of EU humour regulations, as I feel it allows the whole of Europe to come together through comedy. In fact, perhaps all your captions should be declared joint winners. At the moment David and I, and the whole of the coalition, are working on a caption of our own, and we hope to have at least a draft caption in place by early next year. Thanks again, guys! Nick.

  102. 102
    millibrand says:

    MP shows off new calculator issued by expenses office.

  103. 103
    David says:

    My accounts are A mess but I think I’ve come out on top!

  104. 104
    Dame Shirley Bassey says:

    along with my other Bond themed hit on this 50th anniversary year.

    Expenses are forever, forever, etc.,

  105. 105
    Very Low Parliamentary Standards Commissioner says:

    Living, walking, grinning proof that John Lyon is crap!

  106. 106
    C2C Trains says:

    Amess helpfully points to how many minutes he lives away from our Leigh On Sea station with an excellent 40 minutes service to London Fenchruch Street.

    Really absolutely no need whatsoever to maintain at taxpayers expense a London home, unless of course……………….

  107. 107
    Grollace says:

    Shouldn’t it say “Life for Money”?

  108. 108
    keredybretsa says:

    Eeny Meeny Miney Mo,
    Catch a Trougher by his toe!

  109. 109
    English Heretic says:

    Ex Ah! Monika

    Jeez, very revealing statistics – can you put names to all that lot? If you can, please post them on here.

  110. 110
    Anonymous says:

    Do you think that if MPs had taxpayer funded accountants they would have a need for IPSA?? Really?

  111. 111
    Swiss Guard says:

    The Pious Amess says that he is Pro-Life when what he actually means is that he is Pro-Money For Life.

  112. 112
    Moussa Koussa says:

    rent swapping it’s as easy as pie 3.14159

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