Friday Caption Contest (Rent Swapping Edition)
If Dave Were President He’d Have Resigned By Now | Alex Wickham
Loongate: What Happened in the Blue Boar Bar | Simon Walters
Lib Dems Should Support EU Referendum | LibDemVoice
Feldman’s Denial | Fraser Nelson
Obama’s Presidency is Imploding | Nile Gardiner
Miliband Could Be a Great PM | Thomas Pascoe
What Are You Really Paying in Income Tax? | TPA
Galloway’s Mad Month | The Commentator
Murdoch: Facebook is the New MySpace | Telegraph
Clegg’s Manifesto Referendum Pledge Spin Unravels | ConHome
Coalition Here to Stay | Ben Brogan
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Tom Harris bemoans the public’s attitude to politicians…
“Mr Oborne echoes the lazy, anti-politics whine we hear so often these days, all based on the absurd notion that politicians were once loved and only fell out of public favour during the expenses scandal. He should take a walk to the Strangers’ Bar. But not to sup with the patrons he seems to despise so much, dearie me, no; he should instead look at the paintings on the corridor outside the bar, which depict the devastating fire which consumed most of the Palace in 1834. And he should reflect on the fact that on that dramatic night, as the Commons went up in flames, a crowd gathered on the South Bank to clap and cheer.”
Focus group time. says:
The thing that Dave needs to work out is which group is more likely to vote Conservative. Mad swivel-eyed loons or mad homosexuals wishing to get married.
Rent Swapping: It’s a piece of Cake.
Expense fiddling to the left, kiddie fiddling to the right.
there is m.on.ey which gives you life.
and then there is funny.money.
aunties and mothers (referred to by Prince Charles as mummy) of this world have been naff. time to grow up.
For some, it’s a piece of Coke.
Gordon’s calculator?
Rent-seeking: It’s a way of life.
Don’t worry. The big picture will always be obscured by more frivolous matters.
For some, it’s a piece of Cack.
For our host, it is a piece of Cobh. (OK fairly close)
No matter what buttons you press the answer is always more money
“I even get a free calculator to work out how much i am raking in, kERCHING! “
…and your chicks for free.
I do like big sums…
Hello Guido
OT
What ever happened to the Chilcot Report
Did His Ermin Highness Chilcot fall under a bus by any chance?
I am dying to know…
Or did our Tone “nobble’ him ?
We know how to shut people up you know
I assume it’s still a case of “Chilcot report into Iraq delayed by Whitehall refusal to release evidence”?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/jul/16/chilcot-report-iraq-delayed-evidence
they haven’t earnt enough out of it yet – few more years and they will be getting close. then we can have a preliminary report and revisions etc which should see them all to a more comfortable retirement.
These inquires need ordinary people on them – not the greedy and already got.
If you read it upside down it says “SHAMELESS”
if we change the framework, we can be abramovitch like and say take the money and feck off.
savile did this and bought his freedom from the police.
Being a greedy so.and.so he wanted more.
He went southwards.
Then he discovered the vast freedoms of the institutions close to the heart of Britain.
and he did what they said so they fixed it for him. But,
he could not did not dare show his frail caring side. so petrified he was that he could could show care for the dead, by cleaning and bathing them.
is the issue money or who controls those who control the world of money. We see the world within a framework. is our framework restrictive.
is it making us unhealthy. even ill.
in whose interest is it that we remain worker bees.
Rent boys for hire !
Bastard, only I am allowed on the Gravy Train.
Is that first class?
Rehearsals for the new CH4 program, ‘How low can you go’ take place today.
What a mess!
+765,432 M+
Viper and adder.
Oy vay, not again I hav to tell you! It’s viper after you’ve adder. kapish?
Does that picture really need a caption? It pretty much tells the whole story all by itself doesn’t it..?
S187 – Accountancy for twats – Room 58
Did someone call
Can I have a go?
KER-CHINGO BINGO, BONGO.
We can prove that 2 into 1 will go
“Leave it on Bercow’s desk and tell him it’s normal size”
Abbott’s always trying to put one over on me, so this time I’m turning the tables (I’m even teaching Sam “Shemp” Howard, the “Stooge,” how to do it so he can stick it to his brother Moe):
Who’s on first?
Dr Who?
What?
So THAT’s how Balls and brown did their numbers!
Why do I need a calculator? My taxpaper funded accountant does all that.
Do you think that if MPs had taxpayer funded accountants they would have a need for IPSA?? Really?
“Welcome to Parliament Mr Amess. I see you have found the calculator and I am sure that you will enjoy the other tax payer funded freebees”
The Bank of Scotland logo on it explained how the MOD had managed to go £50 billion over budget on office stationary
He’s fucked, and bombed
Calculator has 4 functions more than the operator.
4 Sale: 1 Calculator, Never Used
Inquire, Palace of Westminster
Rent boy for rent!
Yes, and next I want to be a M.E.P. Now they have really *good* expenses, and no stupid oversight..
Do you want to borrow my batteries?
While using the IPSA approved calculator to do his expenses David Amess choose to overlook the glaring mistake just one last time.
Sorry. It is not funny.
But seriously, we’re going to need a bigger calculator.
Lloyds Bank, Bank of Scotland, Halifax, on top row buttons.
Even this calculator is not big enough to work out the state aid for that lot.
Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but has the following Employee Statistics.
29 have been accused of spouse abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
9 have been accused of writing bad cheques,
17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses,
3 have done time for assault,
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits,
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,
An 90% accused of fiddling…..expenses
Ex Ah! Monika
Jeez, very revealing statistics – can you put names to all that lot? If you can, please post them on here.
David Amess: I even claimed for the giant calculator!
or
DA: I need a calculator this big to fit all my expense claims on!
Hit and Amess approach to cleaning up parliament fails, as HoC fruit machine inadvertantly reveals true reason MPs seek your vote…
The benefits system being explained to a group of arts graduates.
Then the high priest rent his clothes, and saith, What need we any further witnesses?
Mark 14:63
5005135
8008135
Meanwhile…filibustering in the House!!
Voice (out of shot): Mr Amess, please say “cheese”, not “snaffletroughergrunt”.
Money for life, generously supported by
Lloyds, Bank of Scotland and Halifaxthe taxpayer.
“And the number of MP’s renting rooms in my London home is: FIVE!”
Work for the BBC – free money for life.
& under age min*ors inclu*ded @ no extra co*st
You English are very strange in your jokes. I see nothing amusing in this photograph. I simply see a smiling man standing next to a giant calculator. But I will try. Therefore my caption is: “A man is standing by a calculator that is large”. Ha ha ha! This is very funny, no? Finally, may I remind you that under the EU humour quota, at least 22.1 per cent of captions should involve Mr Bean walking into a glass door. Zank you.
‘Ere is ma caption. Perhaps ze man next to ze calculateur, ‘e is saying: “Sacre bleau! Monsieur le Bean, ‘e has just walked into a door made of glass!” Ha ha ha ha ha! But serieusement, I do ‘ope zat I win le competition.
Hi, my name is Jaap from Holland. For sure, I would also like to enter the competition. Sorry, I do not know the English, but my funny caption reads: “Een man genaamd Mr Bean, niet het zien van een glazen deur, wandelingen in het bij toeval!” Do I win 5 euros?
hello, Jaap. As a Dutch speaker, I thought your caption was very funny. Yours too, Pierre, and also Herman. I’m a great supporter of EU humour regulations, as I feel it allows the whole of Europe to come together through comedy. In fact, perhaps all your captions should be declared joint winners. At the moment David and I, and the whole of the coalition, are working on a caption of our own, and we hope to have at least a draft caption in place by early next year. Thanks again, guys! Nick.
“I was limited by the amount of digits. It should read “Your money for the rest of my life’”
And while we ( well some) are looking at the coasts of First Class rail fares the elephant in the room goes un-noticed.
UK climate change department takes over 3000 flights at a cost of over £1.3m
£6,000 to Tokyo !!
“Guess how many houses I rent out?!”
Can it do logs?
Well, it is a hand-held.
Disgusting!
Six from the top please Carol
And..now..watch…I turn it upside down and it says BOOBS
062970 7718?
Interpretation:
Amess has 5 children. This is key. IDS wants to cut his allowance.
Cameron hinted at child benefit for 3 kids only in July. It must have sent a shiver down the spines of people who use child benefit as their main business plan.
I reckon that the maternity wards will be packed with poppers in March/April next year.
With his expenses alone the pious Mr Amess could afford 20 kids.
My mission statement
Wotcha Ed.
David’s cheesy grin left viewers unimpressed, on his first day at work as the Countdown boffin
Im f….. but Im rich thanks to all u silly f……
And then you multiply the genuine claim by 5.
Press this button to re-arrange these words using the HoC expenses calculator:
MONEY FOR LIFE
=
I.E. FROM FELONY
“Being an MP = Money For Life”
“So, if you take the house that you own, add on the rent from another MP, add on your own rent subsidy from IPSA, subtract the cost of public scrutiny, then multiply by the number of years you serve in Parliament, you get…….”
Shedloads! (hat-tip Denis McShane).
With these banks sponsoring this calculator, I think it means they’re KEEPING your money for life!
New MP initiation process may be setting a bad example
“For big Pig MP’s Money for Life is 100% guaranteed Tax Free, their snouts are always in the Tax Payers trough which they don’t want you to see, full stop. ….oink…oink”
MPs calculate their expenses on Tax Us Instruments
Creep chooses not to avail himself of our superb 40 minute service to London Fenchurch street from Leigh On Sea.
Luckily for Amess he hails from a constituency where you could have an artificial fanny standing as MP and it would be voted in with an overwhelming majority!
Money for life and chicks for free.
Someone has to do it!
Jeez my long held title and trade mark may be facing a challenge!
The only photograph that exists in the entire world of Amess without the trade mark cheesy (I’m f***ing you all over) grin.
http://www.echo-news.co.uk/news/4401049.MP_does_a_runner_after_being_quizzed_on___19k_expenses_claim_for_food/
…and the reason, it was snapped when he finally made a dash for it, after being holed up in a ladies hairdressers rather than talk about his absurd expense claims!!!
The ‘MC’ button is hard-wired into Ed Balls’ Brain, and it must have been pressed some time after his interview with Andrew Marr. Either that, or he is a plain and simple liar, liar, pants on fire, deficit denier!
Expenses Finger, He’s The Man With The Midas Touch.
Etc.,
along with my other Bond themed hit on this 50th anniversary year.
Expenses are forever, forever, etc.,
MP shows off new calculator issued by expenses office.
My accounts are A mess but I think I’ve come out on top!
Living, walking, grinning proof that John Lyon is crap!
Amess helpfully points to how many minutes he lives away from our Leigh On Sea station with an excellent 40 minutes service to London Fenchruch Street.
Really absolutely no need whatsoever to maintain at taxpayers expense a London home, unless of course……………….
Shouldn’t it say “Life for Money”?
Eeny Meeny Miney Mo,
Catch a Trougher by his toe!
The Pious Amess says that he is Pro-Life when what he actually means is that he is Pro-Money For Life.
rent swapping it’s as easy as pie 3.14159