October 8th, 2012

Shapps On Business and Pleasure

The Tories’ co-chairmen seem to be getting on a lot better than the last pairing. It was comedy double act for the Chairmen’s  reception last night with Feldman declaring that at his party the food was posher and the “wine marginally better” than your normal fringe event. Presumably he was picking up the tab for the foie gras on offer…

Shapps revealed the PM’s favourite joke at the moment: “If there was a Labour MP and a LibDem MP standing on a cliff, which would you push off… first?” Grant would apparently push the red off then the yellow – “business before pleasure”. Coalition harmony anyone?


  1. 1
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Are you not attending the “Midlands Meltown” this week Guido

  2. 2
    ToonBob... says:

    Is that the same as the Manchester Spring ?

  3. 3
    jgm2 says:

    ‘Workers of the world unite’.

  4. 4
    JPF Goodman says:

    Meanwhile, back in the real world, my A4E “Provider” says she’s “not allowed” to look at the website I’m trying to start my own business with, as in the Business Plan agreed with her months ago. Anybody with advice or similar experiences to share?

  5. 5
    AC1 says:

    Want to cut spending?

    In one years time eliminate child benefit. Phase it out for existing claimants.

    If you can afford children you’ll still have them.

  6. 6
    Lefty Media CuntWatch says:

  7. 7
    Give him a medal says:

    Jesus, Guido, this is all a bit ‘inner circle’. Unless you come up with some decent crap on these people soon, your schmoozing is just going to look like bloated sychophancy.

  8. 8
    AC1 says:

    The whole “back to work” thing is just an expensive way of taking taxpayers money and circulating it to politicians.

  9. 9
    Grollace says:

    I think he, himself should jump because his chancellor has an unshakable belief in a soft landing.

  10. 10
    jgm2 says:

    I wonder what Steve Job’s or Bill Gate’s or Andrew Carnegie’s ‘business plan’ looked like?

  11. 11
    Roman Polanski says:

    There was quite a bit of coverage in the Warsaw Gazette.

  12. 12
    jgm2 says:

    Really? One million private sector jobs in only 30 months? No. I hadn’t heard about that. It mustn’t be that big a deal otherwise it would be all over the BBC.

  13. 13
    sam cam's strap on says:

    “foie gras” – you fucking pleb

  14. 14
    When I was a lad the poor were skinny says:

    And didn’t get fois gras NOR foie gras

  15. 15
    John Johnson says:

    Cleggy for goodness sake pull out of the coalition, they don’t want you, can not you see that, pull out and tell Cameron “we will support you if we agree with you but vote against you if we disagree with you” then Cameron either call an election or tough it out.

  16. 16
    When I was a lad the poor were skinny says:

    Countdown to alteration….

  17. 17
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    In July this year Cameron hinted that child benefit could be limited to the first three children.

    Guaranteed that we will have a maternity peak in March/April 2013 as the benefit scroungers will be popping one out, having kids is the business plan for many in this country today.

    Mark these words.

  18. 18
    Uncle Joe says:

    I will have you shot

  19. 19
    jgm2 says:

    But then all those LibDem ministers would find their salary (and accrued pension rights) slashed in half overnight.

    Plus, it’s not as if Labour will forgive them (the LibDems) if they pull out. They’ll still stick the boot in for the remaining 3 years and look to wipe them out in 2015.

  20. 20
    A Lefty says:

    But if you don’t give the money to the muvvers how will they get tattoos on their tits if the estranged husbands a betting it on whippets!

  21. 21
    A Cook says:

    It was liver paste, OK?

  22. 22
    Uncle Joe says:

    Mine is ‘we’re doing this or you’ll be shot’

  23. 23
  24. 24
    jgm2 says:

    It’d be quicker to make a list of folk you didn’t want shot.

  25. 25
    jgm2 says:

    Or, the variant ‘Do this and you’ll be shot afterwards anyway’.

  26. 26
    Sir William Waad says:

    Women just want to be coaxed. She won’t say ‘yes’ immediately. You must win her over with chocolates and fine wines to put her in the mood to look at your website and to hell with the rules!

  27. 27
    Uncle Joe says:

    Not sure you have a grasp of the real world, where are the canals, bridges, railways, factories that A4E has built? They should be shot

  28. 28
    When I was a lad the poor were skinny says:

    Result but…Slower than usual.

  29. 29
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Is Guido doing a Andrew Mongchell.

    Guido has attended every Tory conference since he was knee high to his puff dealer…But not this year.

  30. 30
    Uncle Joe says:

    The mines are opening again send them down there. Or have them shot.

  31. 31
    Anonymous says:

    Would this be the right wing inciting political violence? I thought they didn’t do that?

  32. 32
    John Johnson says:

    “look like bloated sychophancy” it is look like bloated sychophancy, maybe Guido is hoping they might ask him to stand in a nice Tory safe seat.

  33. 33
    G Shapps says:

    My favourite gag at the moment.

    The last time me and my wife had sex we were interrupted by our 3 year old son.

    He’s 17 now ……..

  34. 34
    AC1 says:

    Schapps and Vince Cable. separated only by an age gap.

  35. 35
    Uncle Joe says:

    He really should consider shooting himself.

  36. 36
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    You’ve got it all wrong. The Tories don’t create jobs, they just give tax cuts to millionairs.

  37. 37
    Sir William Waad says:

    Waiters must love Guido. “Look here, chum, I want summathat foyse grass and make it quick. And while you’re at it take away this vitchysoyse soup it’s fecking well cold.”

  38. 38
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Duck or Goose Liver Pate…to the rest off us.

    Guido..This has a hint of Class War about it…are you coming aboard…LOL

  39. 39
    The BBC says:

    We shall be showing ONLY selected highlights of the evil, Tory conference this week due to savage cuts and Lord #croft!

    By selected highlights we mean if a Tory states they will “cut taxes for the poor”, we shall select certain words so it looks like he says “tax the poor”.

    Fair and balanced reporting is in our dna.

    Must go now, we have some children to abuse!

  40. 40
    Away on business says:

    I went to speak to the ‘back to work people’, to see if they had any people we could recruit. Sadly, they have never come up with anyone: I have no idea if any of the people on thier books have ever been told that my firm would be happy to see their c.v.s

    A manager did sound me out about going into some bureaucratic scheme with him involving applying for grants to provide ‘training’.

  41. 41
    The BBC says:

    Bairn Buggering Corporation. Kiddy fiddling is in our DNA!

  42. 42
    Jimmy says:

    Perhaps it’s my age, but I remember a time when if you set up a get rich scam using a fake id, even the tories wouldn’t touch you. Now you get made Chairman. This is worse than the Major years.

  43. 43
    Uncle Joe says:

    I think you know my answer?

  44. 44
    Lampshade says:

    True. Nobody likes a traitor

  45. 45
    John Johnson says:

    Exactly what is Gideon’s qualification for chancellor, has he managed a company, a division of say the NHS, accountancy qualifications or any such type of job, or is he just acting as front man for others.

  46. 46
  47. 47
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    Are you missing your mate Hamza.

    Don’t cry Moussa, you’ll be joining him soon enough. LOL

    How’s cry baby Keith Vaz holding up.

    Facing 7 years for fraud. LOL

  48. 48
    genghiz the kahn says:

    The non person Saville is being obliterated from the public’s memory.


    Saville Row will be renamed next.

  49. 49
    Uncle Joe says:

    I know what to do with traitors

  50. 50
    Loungelizard says:

    Comrade come ze one nation revulsion zer vill be no such thing as a Tory safe seat.

  51. 51
    Lefty CuntWatch says:

    Has this ex BBC marxist c*unt Crick ever chased a nurse through a NHS hospital asking her why she left her patient covered in shit and deprived of water??

  52. 52
    Scotch on the rocks says:

    9 out of 10 Scotch families receive more from the state aka England than they contribute.

  53. 53
    Lampshade says:

    Now you are just being lazy.

  54. 54
    Moussa Koussa says:

    I’m in London today, stopped at a cafe for lunch.

    I bought a sandwich ( according to B Johnsons press office ) this is now to be called a Boriswich at Borisuch.

    Caught the tube to Oxford street ( according to B Johnsons press office ) this is now to be called a Borisude to Borisford Street.

    Popped into well know department store Borisarrods to use their toilet facilities, as I needed a Boris.

  55. 55
    French Lessons says:

    If you want some Moussa, you’ll need to ask for ” Patty duh fwa grass “

  56. 56
    AC1 says:

    A very sad graph highlighting the politico media failure to educate people…

    There is no more money for bureaucrats to waste


  57. 57
    AC1 says:

    Gumtree . com

  58. 58
    Loungelizard says:

    And a bottle of that Bollyjose nooveau a firty nine I fink.

  59. 59
    AC1 says:

    The first failure of any startup is the business-plan.

  60. 60
    Aidan Burley says:

    I was having a great time at the Nazi karaoke evening.

    And then I went and spoilt it all by saying something stupid like I love J*ws.

  61. 61
    Rip-Off Britain says:

    How much did you pay for the dump?

  62. 62
    Cyril Smith says:

    How come Jimmy Savile is getting all the flack in his coffin while Mike Hancock still walks the corridors of Westminster and the schools of Portsmouth?

  63. 63
    Speaking from one of his private jets (aka the 06:45 from Paddington), Grant Shapps says:

    If you want to get very wealthy, very quickly, forget your website and come speak with me. For $300, I’ll show you how to become a millionaire many times over, just like me. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back*.

    *”money-back” should not imply you will get your money back.

  64. 64
    AC1 says:

    July hinted

    He’ll do NOTHING, AGAIN.

  65. 65
    AC1 says:

    cutting that 50p in the pound envy-tax = 1 million sustainably employed.

    Let’s cut tax more.

  66. 66
    jgm2 says:

    Being chancellor is dead easy. You look at how much money your taxes etc raise and then you don’t spend any more than that.

    It’s just like any other sensible person who manages a household budget but scaled up.

  67. 67
    Died on stage says:

    Are you Sarah Teather posting under an alias?

  68. 68
    Away on business says:

    And others. I really have no idea what the people on these programmes think they do.

  69. 69
    ToonBob... says:


    Some things must not be mentioned but be warned, if you refer to someone as a “bl ick cant” or a tw*t, you will be forever punished !

  70. 70
    John Johnson says:

    JGM2, yup but wouldn’t it be fun sort concentrate minds, in 21/2 years the libdems will not will not have any ministers anyway so they might as well get used to it

  71. 71
    Replace benefit offices with gas chambers says:

    We’ll also see the NHS bill go up, as the benefit scum rush to their GPs for fertility treatment.

  72. 72
    ToonBob... says:

    Suffer little children…..

  73. 73
    AC1 says:

    Good point. The last guy had a degree in the history of the labour party and ground the economy into dust.

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    I believe he was quite good at folding towels.

  75. 75
    jgm2 says:

    They’ll probably get a visit from the same brains trust that was beating up paediatricians anyway.

  76. 76
    AC1 says:

    “MK” I’ll have some pate, oh and there’s some dirt above the “E” on this label.

  77. 77
    Jimmy says:

    You’re thinking of Benny Hill

  78. 78
    AC1 says:

    Guido is just jealous of the Goose’s lifestyle… He’s been attempting to emulate it by replacing grain with Guinness.

  79. 79
    jgm2 says:

    He certainly learned from history.

    ‘Labour governments always destroy the economy. I’m in a Labour government therefore I must destroy the economy’.

    And a thorough job he did too.

  80. 80
    Pawn Sandwich says:


    I remember Jack Straw saying “three strikes and you’re out” in December 2003.

    Politicians can say all they want about policy but they have a history of talking and none of delivering.

  81. 81
    Comrade Miaow says:

    I am on that list…

    … for now

  82. 82
    Anonymous says:

    Was Ed Balls compering that night. I’ve heard he likes to get his old uniform out.

  83. 83
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    Rent paid, council tax paid, free school meals, cradle to the grave benefits. Utopia for some and they are still not grateful.

  84. 84
    John Johnson says:

    OK 8i££y chose your language more carefully when you post, “puff” indeed

  85. 85
    The Liebour Party says:

    No, they don’t give tax cuts to millionaires, they “send £40,000 cheques” to millionaires.

  86. 86
    John Johnson says:

    Only on those that cannot hit back

  87. 87
    jgm2 says:

    Labour are trying to backtrack up in Fucking Scotland on their perpetual promises for ever more, ever free stuff. Presumably they think that’ll make ‘em credible with the electorate.

    Unfortunately for them the S&P is in no mood to stop promising ever more, ever free stuff in the hope that it will buy them independence.

    The local administration in Fucking Scotland can vary their local tax rate by (I think) up to 3%. Does any party suggest lowering taxes?

    Do they fuck. And why would that be? Because the 88% who are net recipients of free money wouldn’t be any better off.

    Fucking Scotland is doomed.

  88. 88
    jgm2 says:

    I’m a millionaire. And so is my missus. I’m really looking forward to my 40,000 cheque. And so is my missus.

  89. 89
    Comrade Miaow says:

    See, if you let him know you understand the options you get shot straightaway. Before you even get a chance to dig your own grave.

    That’s why all those expert chess-playing Russians always played stupid and dumb. ‘Death by bullet’ or ‘death by vodka’ very simple variation to calculate.

  90. 90
    Speaking from his private jet (aka the 06:45 from Paddington), Grant Shapps says:

    But it’s not a “get rich quick” scam, it’s a genuine business opportunity. Just send me $300 (fully refundable*), and I’ll teach you how I got to own two private jets and several islands in the Caribbean.

    *”fully refundable” should be taken in its broader sense, meaning “not refundable”.

  91. 91
    Comrade Miaow says:

    They did build the blue plastic guns!

    I think they don’t mind being shot. In fact they probably happy to charge extra for being shot.

    *shakes head sadly*
    …more expensive than real bullets.

  92. 92
    Don't worry, Ben Elton got it wrong, too. says:

    But Benny Hill didn’t chase women, he was chased by women.

  93. 93
    Comrade Miaow says:

    Bloody social worker.

    You betray revolting socialist people!

  94. 94
    Comrade Miaow says:

    Oxford or Cambridge?

  95. 95
    Lefty CuntWatch says:

    Thanks for taking the time off from sucking Ed Miliband’s cock to tell me that.

  96. 96
    St Augustine says:

    Business Plan:
    I will be infinitely flexible and make a few bob any way I can.

  97. 97
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    And I rejoice that Venal Vaz may finally be nailed. Hopefully he will be sharing a cell with the business fraudster, Grunt Shapps. Is it just me or does Shapps remind others of a particularly sleazy American evangelist?

  98. 98
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    It’s a great business model; similar to claims assistance services and other bent get rich quick schemes.

  99. 99
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    Funnily enough that was also Andrew Carnegie’s plan in the early days.

  100. 100
    jgm2 says:

    Your tax dollars at work. As the yanks would say….

  101. 101
    Comrade Miaow says:

    No shit?

  102. 102
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    A quote from Fondling Farrago?

  103. 103
    A hard working man with family says:

    Dishonest politicians of the world unite surly.

  104. 104
    Comrade Miaow says:

    When going Underground do not leap over the barriers and run down the steps

  105. 105
    Andrew Carnegie, noted philanthropist says:

    Well, mine was to keep the workers in limbo when I’d lock ‘em out all the time by constantly re-tooling, every time being able to hire back fewer and fewer workers. They finally caught on at Homestead in 1892 and started a sit-down strike. I made sure to be at Skibo, and NOT in Pittsburgh, when the shit finally hit the fan.

  106. 106
    Anonymous says:

    Independence for England.

  107. 107
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Were you acquainted with Jimmy Savile, by any chance?

  108. 108
    jgm2 says:

    Andrew Carnegie must be the only person in history to escape the US with his money.

    All their legislation since seems to be directed to making sure that cash is on a one-way trip. You’d have to be out of your fucking mind to do business in the US.

  109. 109
    Boaby Davro says:

    What is it with Tories and jokes?

    The one in the piece is excruciating, and Hammond’s joke about Vince Cable being launched was so bad it is hard to believe he actually uttered the words.

    Unfunny toffs trying to get down with the hoi polloi. No , no, no, and

  110. 110
    Benny Hill says:

    I DID chase a few on my show, actually. In real life, well…think what you’d like, but I really WASN’T “one of those,” you know. (Really.)

  111. 111
    AC1 says:

    You do sound envious of wealth creators.

  112. 112
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    Just mulling over the failure of the UKIP start up plan.

  113. 113
    Bill Clinton says:

    I never had sexual relations with that country

  114. 114
    Jimmy S says:

    They can’t create wealth if their ‘customers’ have no money.

  115. 115
    Jimmy S says:

    Don’t forget the Pinkertons, Andy.

  116. 116
    Jimmy S says:

    A4E and the like are just parasites, living off the taxpayer teat. Isn’t that what you hate on here?

  117. 117
    Jimmy S says:

    You forgot the plasmas, PS

  118. 118
    Jimmy S says:

    Yep and they’re all on zero-hours contracts

  119. 119
    Jimmy S says:

    Towel folding, if you must know.
    No better example of Cameron’s ‘jobs for the boys’ strategy.
    Let’s be brutally honest here – would ANY of you employ Osborne?

  120. 120
    Margaret says:

    Michael’s face is turning into an arse hole over the course of this Parliament

  121. 121
    Corrie L'Anus says:

    Where is Geoffrey Archer when you need him…a proper mentor for young Schappster surely???

  122. 122
    Corrie L'Anus says:

    ‘Russian’ to conclusions surely???

  123. 123
    Corrie L'Anus says:

    Most unfair Jimmy S….look….he was christened ‘Gideon’ (aka useless Knut), a real handicap from a young age to be constantly reminded of a tiny useless medieval script in a hotel drawer or a kid’s duck…

  124. 124
    keredybretsa says:

    There’ll have to be a plebiscite.

  125. 125
    Corrie L'Anus says:

    Well, I did my bit to help a Tory supporting judge earlier…you may remember him, got no thumbs…Justice Fingers!! Bum Bum!!

  126. 126
    Myfanwy akes. says:

    Grant Shapps said I have principles and if you don,t like them I have other ones.I,ll let you have them at a bargain price.

  127. 127
    Myfanwy akes. says:

    Hold on,I think the people should be the judge of that.

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