October 8th, 2012

Shapps On Business and Pleasure

The Tories’ co-chairmen seem to be getting on a lot better than the last pairing. It was comedy double act for the Chairmen’s  reception last night with Feldman declaring that at his party the food was posher and the “wine marginally better” than your normal fringe event. Presumably he was picking up the tab for the foie gras on offer…

Shapps revealed the PM’s favourite joke at the moment: “If there was a Labour MP and a LibDem MP standing on a cliff, which would you push off… first?” Grant would apparently push the red off then the yellow – “business before pleasure”. Coalition harmony anyone?


  1. 1
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Are you not attending the “Midlands Meltown” this week Guido


  2. 4
    JPF Goodman says:

    Meanwhile, back in the real world, my A4E “Provider” says she’s “not allowed” to look at the website I’m trying to start my own business with, as in the Business Plan agreed with her months ago. Anybody with advice or similar experiences to share?


    • 8
      AC1 says:

      The whole “back to work” thing is just an expensive way of taking taxpayers money and circulating it to politicians.


      • 40
        Away on business says:

        I went to speak to the ‘back to work people’, to see if they had any people we could recruit. Sadly, they have never come up with anyone: I have no idea if any of the people on thier books have ever been told that my firm would be happy to see their c.v.s

        A manager did sound me out about going into some bureaucratic scheme with him involving applying for grants to provide ‘training’.


    • 10
      jgm2 says:

      I wonder what Steve Job’s or Bill Gate’s or Andrew Carnegie’s ‘business plan’ looked like?


      • 22
        Uncle Joe says:

        Mine is ‘we’re doing this or you’ll be shot’


        • 25
          jgm2 says:

          Or, the variant ‘Do this and you’ll be shot afterwards anyway’.


          • Comrade Miaow says:

            See, if you let him know you understand the options you get shot straightaway. Before you even get a chance to dig your own grave.

            That’s why all those expert chess-playing Russians always played stupid and dumb. ‘Death by bullet’ or ‘death by vodka’ very simple variation to calculate.


        • 99
          Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

          Funnily enough that was also Andrew Carnegie’s plan in the early days.


      • 59
        AC1 says:

        The first failure of any startup is the business-plan.


      • 105
        Andrew Carnegie, noted philanthropist says:

        Well, mine was to keep the workers in limbo when I’d lock ‘em out all the time by constantly re-tooling, every time being able to hire back fewer and fewer workers. They finally caught on at Homestead in 1892 and started a sit-down strike. I made sure to be at Skibo, and NOT in Pittsburgh, when the shit finally hit the fan.


        • 108
          jgm2 says:

          Andrew Carnegie must be the only person in history to escape the US with his money.

          All their legislation since seems to be directed to making sure that cash is on a one-way trip. You’d have to be out of your fucking mind to do business in the US.


        • 115
          Jimmy S says:

          Don’t forget the Pinkertons, Andy.


    • 26
      Sir William Waad says:

      Women just want to be coaxed. She won’t say ‘yes’ immediately. You must win her over with chocolates and fine wines to put her in the mood to look at your website and to hell with the rules!


    • 27
      Uncle Joe says:

      Not sure you have a grasp of the real world, where are the canals, bridges, railways, factories that A4E has built? They should be shot


      • 91
        Comrade Miaow says:

        They did build the blue plastic guns!

        I think they don’t mind being shot. In fact they probably happy to charge extra for being shot.

        *shakes head sadly*
        …more expensive than real bullets.


      • 116
        Jimmy S says:

        A4E and the like are just parasites, living off the taxpayer teat. Isn’t that what you hate on here?


    • 63
      Speaking from one of his private jets (aka the 06:45 from Paddington), Grant Shapps says:

      If you want to get very wealthy, very quickly, forget your website and come speak with me. For $300, I’ll show you how to become a millionaire many times over, just like me. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back*.

      *”money-back” should not imply you will get your money back.


  3. 5
    AC1 says:

    Want to cut spending?

    In one years time eliminate child benefit. Phase it out for existing claimants.

    If you can afford children you’ll still have them.


    • 17
      Pawn Sandwich says:

      In July this year Cameron hinted that child benefit could be limited to the first three children.

      Guaranteed that we will have a maternity peak in March/April 2013 as the benefit scroungers will be popping one out, having kids is the business plan for many in this country today.

      Mark these words.


    • 20
      A Lefty says:

      But if you don’t give the money to the muvvers how will they get tattoos on their tits if the estranged husbands a betting it on whippets!


    • 30
      Uncle Joe says:

      The mines are opening again send them down there. Or have them shot.


  4. 6
    Lefty Media CuntWatch says:


  5. 7
    Give him a medal says:

    Jesus, Guido, this is all a bit ‘inner circle’. Unless you come up with some decent crap on these people soon, your schmoozing is just going to look like bloated sychophancy.


  6. 9
    Grollace says:

    I think he, himself should jump because his chancellor has an unshakable belief in a soft landing.


    • 45
      John Johnson says:

      Exactly what is Gideon’s qualification for chancellor, has he managed a company, a division of say the NHS, accountancy qualifications or any such type of job, or is he just acting as front man for others.


      • 66
        jgm2 says:

        Being chancellor is dead easy. You look at how much money your taxes etc raise and then you don’t spend any more than that.

        It’s just like any other sensible person who manages a household budget but scaled up.


      • 73
        AC1 says:

        Good point. The last guy had a degree in the history of the labour party and ground the economy into dust.


        • 79
          jgm2 says:

          He certainly learned from history.

          ‘Labour governments always destroy the economy. I’m in a Labour government therefore I must destroy the economy’.

          And a thorough job he did too.


      • 74
        Anonymous says:

        I believe he was quite good at folding towels.


      • 119
        Jimmy S says:

        Towel folding, if you must know.
        No better example of Cameron’s ‘jobs for the boys’ strategy.
        Let’s be brutally honest here – would ANY of you employ Osborne?


        • 123
          Corrie L'Anus says:

          Most unfair Jimmy S….look….he was christened ‘Gideon’ (aka useless Knut), a real handicap from a young age to be constantly reminded of a tiny useless medieval script in a hotel drawer or a kid’s duck…


  7. 13
    sam cam's strap on says:

    “foie gras” – you fucking pleb


  8. 14
    When I was a lad the poor were skinny says:

    And didn’t get fois gras NOR foie gras


  9. 15
    John Johnson says:

    Cleggy for goodness sake pull out of the coalition, they don’t want you, can not you see that, pull out and tell Cameron “we will support you if we agree with you but vote against you if we disagree with you” then Cameron either call an election or tough it out.


    • 19
      jgm2 says:

      But then all those LibDem ministers would find their salary (and accrued pension rights) slashed in half overnight.

      Plus, it’s not as if Labour will forgive them (the LibDems) if they pull out. They’ll still stick the boot in for the remaining 3 years and look to wipe them out in 2015.


  10. 23
    • 34
      AC1 says:

      Schapps and Vince Cable. separated only by an age gap.


      • 42
        Jimmy says:

        Perhaps it’s my age, but I remember a time when if you set up a get rich scam using a fake id, even the tories wouldn’t touch you. Now you get made Chairman. This is worse than the Major years.


        • 90
          Speaking from his private jet (aka the 06:45 from Paddington), Grant Shapps says:

          But it’s not a “get rich quick” scam, it’s a genuine business opportunity. Just send me $300 (fully refundable*), and I’ll teach you how I got to own two private jets and several islands in the Caribbean.

          *”fully refundable” should be taken in its broader sense, meaning “not refundable”.


        • 121
          Corrie L'Anus says:

          Where is Geoffrey Archer when you need him…a proper mentor for young Schappster surely???


      • 51
        Lefty CuntWatch says:

        Has this ex BBC marxist c*unt Crick ever chased a nurse through a NHS hospital asking her why she left her patient covered in shit and deprived of water??


  11. 29
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Is Guido doing a Andrew Mongchell.

    Guido has attended every Tory conference since he was knee high to his puff dealer…But not this year.


  12. 31
    Anonymous says:

    Would this be the right wing inciting political violence? I thought they didn’t do that?


  13. 33
    G Shapps says:

    My favourite gag at the moment.

    The last time me and my wife had sex we were interrupted by our 3 year old son.

    He’s 17 now ……..


  14. 39
    The BBC says:

    We shall be showing ONLY selected highlights of the evil, Tory conference this week due to savage cuts and Lord #croft!

    By selected highlights we mean if a Tory states they will “cut taxes for the poor”, we shall select certain words so it looks like he says “tax the poor”.

    Fair and balanced reporting is in our dna.

    Must go now, we have some children to abuse!


  15. 48
    genghiz the kahn says:

    The non person Saville is being obliterated from the public’s memory.


    Saville Row will be renamed next.


    • 75
      jgm2 says:

      They’ll probably get a visit from the same brains trust that was beating up paediatricians anyway.


  16. 54
    Moussa Koussa says:

    I’m in London today, stopped at a cafe for lunch.

    I bought a sandwich ( according to B Johnsons press office ) this is now to be called a Boriswich at Borisuch.

    Caught the tube to Oxford street ( according to B Johnsons press office ) this is now to be called a Borisude to Borisford Street.

    Popped into well know department store Borisarrods to use their toilet facilities, as I needed a Boris.


  17. 60
    Aidan Burley says:

    I was having a great time at the Nazi karaoke evening.

    And then I went and spoilt it all by saying something stupid like I love J*ws.


  18. 62
    Cyril Smith says:

    How come Jimmy Savile is getting all the flack in his coffin while Mike Hancock still walks the corridors of Westminster and the schools of Portsmouth?


  19. 69
    ToonBob... says:


    Some things must not be mentioned but be warned, if you refer to someone as a “bl ick cant” or a tw*t, you will be forever punished !


  20. 109
    Boaby Davro says:

    What is it with Tories and jokes?

    The one in the piece is excruciating, and Hammond’s joke about Vince Cable being launched was so bad it is hard to believe he actually uttered the words.

    Unfunny toffs trying to get down with the hoi polloi. No , no, no, and


    • 125
      Corrie L'Anus says:

      Well, I did my bit to help a Tory supporting judge earlier…you may remember him, got no thumbs…Justice Fingers!! Bum Bum!!


  21. 120
    Margaret says:

    Michael’s face is turning into an arse hole over the course of this Parliament


  22. 124
    keredybretsa says:

    There’ll have to be a plebiscite.


  23. 126
    Myfanwy akes. says:

    Grant Shapps said I have principles and if you don,t like them I have other ones.I,ll let you have them at a bargain price.


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