Friday Caption Contest (Note-less Tom Edition)
If Dave Were President He’d Have Resigned By Now | Alex Wickham
Loongate: What Happened in the Blue Boar Bar | Simon Walters
Feldman’s Tennis Days With Dave | Telegraph
How Geoffrey Howe Has Lost the Debate | Robin Shepherd
Dave Has Lost Control on Europe | Geoffrey Howe
Lib Dems Should Support EU Referendum | LibDemVoice
Feldman’s Denial | Fraser Nelson
Obama’s Presidency is Imploding | Nile Gardiner
Miliband Could Be a Great PM | Thomas Pascoe
What Are You Really Paying in Income Tax? | TPA
Galloway’s Mad Month | The Commentator
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Tom Harris bemoans the public’s attitude to politicians…
“Mr Oborne echoes the lazy, anti-politics whine we hear so often these days, all based on the absurd notion that politicians were once loved and only fell out of public favour during the expenses scandal. He should take a walk to the Strangers’ Bar. But not to sup with the patrons he seems to despise so much, dearie me, no; he should instead look at the paintings on the corridor outside the bar, which depict the devastating fire which consumed most of the Palace in 1834. And he should reflect on the fact that on that dramatic night, as the Commons went up in flames, a crowd gathered on the South Bank to clap and cheer.”
Focus group time. says:
The thing that Dave needs to work out is which group is more likely to vote Conservative. Mad swivel-eyed loons or mad homosexuals wishing to get married.
“Oh no he just said One Nation for the 30th time”
The Thickest of It
“We just can’t look them in the face.”
Oh no, Ed’s nose has fallen off.
And every millionaire will get a cheque for £40,000.
For fuck sake shut the fuck up you twat
One, two, three, push. Brown will make a return.
I want to make it quite clear, that, – unlike my predecessor in No 10, and the current Leader of the Opposition, – I really do know that I am a useless tosser, – and praying just can’t change that.
“Shit ! Had 20 quid on 26 One Nations”
No wonder Ed’s more confident, I’ve just snorted a line of sugar.
Now stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.
That’s Ed? How embarrassing, we thought he was an NUS delegate!
It’s unbelieveable!!! He got through the whole damnation of his oratory without one breakdown in the radiomicrophone prompting him with ‘keywords’. The hillbilly Bush from Texas – must be proud of him.
Mitt Rat seen [on tv] pulling out prompting notes / crib sheet – not a handkerchief at mass debate with Obamboozle!!!
Quick, look, Ms Eagle is wearing no knickers in the front row…
Dear God, he was supposed to say ‘One Nation’ 50 times!!
And he never consulted Alex Salmond or the Welsh counter part. Yikes we will give birth to Braveheart 2
“We should never have hired Moussa as a speechwriter”
“If you keeping saying that, we’re all finished”
Miliband run on hydraulics
“Christ, not again! – One Nation? heard it all before”
Man with head bowed – “Dear God, please hear my prayer. Make it go away”
Christ, Disraeli?? He’ll be quoting Thatcher next..
The Party’s programmers despair as the Milibot goes off message and they can’t even use a teleprompter to bring it back from too many listens to One Nation Under A Groove in its multi-cultural comprehensive training in the Haverstock design lab!
Jesus! Leave it out, Ed. You’re like a fuckin’ stuck record. One Nation my arse!
One Nation under a groove.
One damned nation – of socialist marxist zioloon suckers!
“let us pray”
Ironic, really given Ed’s “faith”
Maybe “Let us prey “
David, why oh why didn’t you push him off the swing when you had a chance..
IT experts unable to cure looping prob or turn off Ed’s ear prompt give up in despair.
You rehearse for weeks and weeks, and then he still sounds like Melvyn Bragg on beta blockers..
Re Ed’s hot air comes out of the wrong hole.
I should have voted for David, I really should have.. sob..
omg david miliband wouldnt go this far and long
Speechwriter #2 says: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”
“Pssst..Prompt!”
{stage whisper} “One Nation!”
No one appreciates the Joke.
Don’t know if I’m using my hanky crying from laughter or just crying because Miliband is shit.
Christ, we’ve got another hour of this..
One Nation or England goes it alone
“Shit ! Had 20 quid on 26 One Nations”
SPAD #1: “What does ‘Wannashun’ even mean?!”
Anyone see last night’s This Week? It had a priceless clip of Ed Balls murdering the theme from The Sting on a piano.
Shoot The Piano Player!
Do I detect a touch of pianist envy?
Mine’s the same as my tractor stats: 1 billion inches, in conjunction with post-endongenous growth theory within a macro framework adjusted for inflation.
Wibble.
“Just one Problem where is my speech?” Never let the Boss write his own stuff…
Ed’s rendition of Adam Ant’s Stand & Deliver instead of the Red Flag, horrifies delegates.
wonder what thats about….freddie star resorted to a now failed injunction to stop a supposed libellous allegation from being reported..wednesday evening
…household name entertainer ..
Alistair..he IS saying ‘One Nation.’ Its just his dodgy adenoids that makes it sound like ‘BabeStation’
Oh no, has he just heckled a Year11 school kid?
Ed tries to exert his authority by requiring underlings to bow..
The moment the speechwriter realised that a ‘find and replace’ inadvertently changed ‘Our’ to ‘One’..
We’re Doomed , Doomed i tell yer !
“Aisle 5..Aisle 5 .. Cleanup please. Polly Toynbee has just wet herself again”
Polly would never do such a vulgar thing. She has a an old family retainer, Luigi, to wet her knickers for her.
Its unusual though that her London butler Umberto wasn’t on hand with his silk handkerchief for when she wanted to wipe away the tears which welled up as she contemplated Ed’s inspiring countenance. I do hope he didn’t do his back in helping the deliverymen unload the consignment of fois gras this morning.
Foie. Fois is feminine and means “time”: encore une fois = one more time.
Not to be confused with “foi” which is feminine and means faith.
Thank you for your attention.
Oh FUCK! Toybee’s just thrown her knickers and the stage and fainted!
You are the life and soul of every party you don’t attend
Il tu faut avoir de la foi.
one nation same bollocks
Quick, pass me the sick bucket if you’ve finished with it.
“OMG why has he got a stick-on pony-tail?”
“Someone has won the conference stick the tail on the donkey contest”
See no evil, Hear no evil, errrrr….. sh*t!
********RATTLED********
*****RAT LED*****
Wolled
Death Rattle of the pretender to the throne?
Mousa! Whose side are you on?????
His own side, like all socialists.
Ed Miliband “Let us pray,ladies and gentlemen and kindly bow your heads”
Please please please, don’t mention the economy.
Why not? I am! – and these boys are clearly praying for my return.
Bloody hell what a fairytale I wish he would go in rehab to cure his false memory syndrome.
“And then I went to school. It was a comprehensive school..And , delegates, do you know, those compo kids beat the living shit out of me!”
“…Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death, Amen!”
Even Miliband aides fall asleep during his speech
All repeat after me, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa…………..
4 across is a bit tricky….
“Comrades! You and I are are very much alike. I’m just an ordinary, hard working Joe. Just like you.
At least, if you were an ordinary hard working Joe on £125k with a £2 million house I would be,..
“I felt the hand of God on my shoulder”.
Nationalism – Check
Socialism – Check
Party – Check
Yes Ed, very comprehensive, very comprehensive indeed.
Without notes, he’s only managed to remember one line of the bloody speech
Definitely one nation – Allah be praised.
He’s a beacon to all us socialist millionaires.
Give a big hand for Ed does not go quite to plan…..
Manchester United 2 -Spurs 3 and now this
Think you’ll find he supports the Mighty Arsenal.
Did I ever tell you about the time I did my own homework?
They had braced for impact…….but there wasn’t any.
Please let me wake up and find that David actually won and this has been a horrible dream.
They passed the long hours playing Zombie Slayer against Tom Watson.
Dear god no! Not observational comedy…..
“Oh God, we are stuck with him”
Ed wins worlds biggest liar contest. More porkies per minute than Gordon ever told, just.
“I could have had a good career in accountancy…..OH GOD WHAT A BLIND FOOL I WAS!”
Ed: “And once I am PM I will get jobs for all the fucking plebs”.
God help us!
He also wants to take a stroll on the beach with Justine now!.
Lord help us!
He thinks there’s a beach in Manchester.
“Comrades..We’re not going to worry about economics or the deficit. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a party.
Jesus, he’s even left his coathanger in.
Why has he got iv in his head, to tap off all the shit that’s in there?
Think he might need two
Oh Shit!! He’s supposed to be talking about the rush of young girls joining convents to escape the terrible economy…. ED!! ED!! It’s “Nun Inflation” the deaf bugger!
He’s all at sea, and I feel sick.
We read from Genesis chapter 4
And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is David thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? And the Lord said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand;
Let us pray…. Our father….
BTW the prize from 2 weeks ago arrived this morning – Thanks
I just wish he was able…….
Ed “BTW the prize from 2 weeks ago arrived this morning – Thanks”
“I can’t believe he’s not better!”
Miliband has stolen Baldwins lines
Ed:”Dave Miliband is completely out of touch. Err… I mean Dave Cameron is completely out of touch”.
I thought it was a joke.
His 3 year old son actually did write this sh*t
Bugger, I told him not to include Jimmy Savile in his one nation.
I spent 3 months writing his script and he’s left it in his bedroom.
Has to be Ed Miliband saying “Conference on the count of 3 all get your Rubik Cubes out!”
Oh no, what the fuck is he saying now……
All he can think of is one nation, whilst I’m faced with Botox Injections.
Leading from an Auto j u
“It hurts! Please. Make it Stop!”
Ed Miliband saying to Conference ” I give this assurance,that in the event of a nuclear holocaust,the shadow government will be manned by a skeleton staff”
OH, MY. GOD. What if the dozy little f*cker actually goes and wins?
“I bet Balls put Brahms’ lullaby through the tannoy to ruin my speech”.
Please Ed. Not line 16 again and again!
Goof boards available out of the public and media eye to make him look capable and he loses his contact lenses.
“Ed’s controller accidentally flips the switch from ‘One Nation’ mode to ‘These Strikes are Wrong’ mode in mid speech.”
“I told him to lie in a darkened room FFS”
Was that supposed to be funny?
Didn’t laugh! Do I get a prize?
Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! The BBC are showing the earpiece.
Oh dear, you couldn’t make it up could you. Who’s got control of thr remote McClusky Crow et al
“I had the ten pints to blot out Tom Watson’s disco, but I wish I’d just had an early night instead now.”
Tourette’s Syndrome Conference **cks The World.
“For F***’s sake where’s Gordon?
Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! …
See, guile.
Yes, we think Ed certainly has guile.
Labour Party put one (Hiber)Nation into immediate effect during Ed Miliband’s Conference Speech!
Ladies and gentlemen,boys and girls,I am so looking forward to Saturday,when my beloved Sunderland football club can defeat Manchester City.
There is no more important event than this
Oh No! Ed just said Unite 26 times
“And a child starved to death after benefits delay under the previous government”
Musician and campaigner B1lly Bragg will give BBC 6 Music’s second annual John Peel Lecture at this year’s Radio Festival next month. The lecture was launched last year by inaugural speaker, The Who’s Pete Townshend. Bragg will explore how radio’s ‘pirates’ become mainstream and in what ways broadcasters should reflect that.
Didn’t he try to do a Phd on it?
Oh my God. Andrew Mitchell with Tourette’s.
…and then, and then *sobs*, and then Boris stole my girlfriend. And when I complained, he beat the shit out of me. But then I became a Featherbanker. One you are a Featherbanker, you are always a Featherbanker.
In a serious wardrobe malfunction Ed’s alien harness was left clearly on show and his controlling Overlords were not impressed.
Our house is a very, very fine house. With two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy…
” I said send on Eddie Izzard “
S*it: you can the Key for winding him up!!
We must all open our eyes to the problems around us…
We’re fuckd, all fucked, fully fucked and getting ready to be fucked again.
Oh what fun!
“I knew I should not have left a karaoke exponent in the wings with a camera when Ed is attempting to pretend it as an off the cuff speech. We have been Fawked as usual”
“Don’t worry comrade, the BBC will fix it in the edit”
You’re right. We should’ve stuck with “Geek Nation”.
Geek? I thought you meant Greek?
“One Nation of Islam…..
comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensive,comprehensiv,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,vwunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,wunashon,
” I warned Ed about using On Tablets as his speechwriter, but would he listen- would he f*ck!”
I have a dream, that one day David and I will be able to play as sisters and brothers.
Come-downs are a bitch!
I warned Ed about using 8illy as his speechwriter, but would he listen? Would he f*ck.
” Fatcher, Fatcher milk thnacher”
I TOLD you not to quote Eric Hobsbawm in public…
Ah, Eric. He was the fifth hobbit.
“And I believe that the BBC and The Guardian have their tax affairs in perfect order “
I need Prozac NOW
“…and of course we all know where Jimmy Savile’s political tendencies lay….”
Ed is saying
Put your hand in the air anyone who knows what “predistribution” means,I’m buggered if I know.
Oh my God – the BBC have got Prescott lined up to answer questions on Disraeli.
I didn’t quite get that. Would you mind repeating the bit about cutting taxes?
Oh God, did Ed say connect me to the Matrix or Matrix Chambers?
The answer to that question is legally privileged, but for a small fee I will be willing to let you ask me a wholly hypothetical question which I can put to my husband on an entirely off the record, we’ve never met, no questions asked, save it for the confessional sort of basis..
Ok, God, now I DO believe in you because Satan is here giving a speech!
Conference delegate suspects the worse.
The photo will emerge for GF publication but austerity measures will result in a dearth of an available prize.
He could improve his stats with better photos.
Not to mention prizes.
” …and Comrades I can announce today, that not only brother David but brother Scargill will be joining my team to lead us to victory in the two-thousand and sixteen General Election”
I promise that no one who is a millionaire, or who went to private school will be a minister in my government.
Don’t make eye contact with the delegates. They’re all rabid socialists, if you make eye contact they’ll attack. Just look away and try to seem calm while Ed hypnotises them by repeating ‘one nation’ seventy thousand times.
One Nation. One Leader. One Sibling.
Ed says
It may be a cliche but I say again to Conference,Today is the most recent day since records began.
Oh God, the auto-cue has jammed, listen “One Nation….One Nation….One Nation…..
“Yes we have unplugged the umbilical cord, but he has kept on going, almost as if he has a mind of his own”
You will be assimilated to the collective.
Yes but did you actually REMOVE the Duracell??
Man in foreground :
I TOLD Ed NOT to try and grow a ponytail . But would he listen ??
Second man : He’ just has’ nt got the follicles for it .
“Guys, it’s working! These muppet party faithful think this is just a 1-way mic not a 2-way transmitter… it would help if you didn’t both prompt me at once though”!
Oh Not this One Nation cra*p ……….plebs won’t swallow that you cu*nt
Oh No! He just said Damn Nation 30 times
Hypnotist Ed Miliband at work.
Ed prefer’s to stand up passing his stool…….
Man on left-45!……Man on right head in hands oh no—46!!!
3 minutes after the ‘one nation’ drinking game began the effects began to kick in….
Oh no, I can believe he forgot my fries again
“Oh no! Not Eskimo Nell!”
i am not into prayer. should be davidsmith407@hotmail.com
… and as my favourite 80s band sang – One Nation …
“Vision! You imbicile, it was One Vision!”
He just said WHAT?
Please God, make him shut the #@!% up!
one nation!.. one nation!.. one nation!…. please! please! make him stop I cannot take it anymore……..mummy mummy
We need a plebiscite for such a pleb!
“..and here we see two of our best mind controlling our of our new ‘One Leader’ range of robots…”
oops, typo…
“..and here we see two of our best mind controlling one of our new ‘One Leader’ range of robots…”
“Where did it all go wrong?”
“Comrades…”
Bullshit Bingo competition keenly contested at this year’s conference
“I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the, er, UK dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of, Wales?, the sons of former miners and the sons of former mine owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Merseyside, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their pencils but by the content of their character.”
Naff Off……you berk
now please wash your hands
Scanner1: “nnnn nanananana’
Scanner2 (echoing in higher pitch): “NNnnnn nanananana’
Ed fails to explode.
Another NuLabour project fails.
Scanner1: “Maybe we should just take him to a hotel?”
Ed Miliband comperes charity speed w**king contest
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Man with head in hands saying to himself:
“Don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather“
I can’t believe he failed facepalming class.