October 5th, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Note-less Tom Edition)


  1. 1
    Kebab Time says:

    “Oh no he just said One Nation for the 30th time”

  2. 2
    I Squiggle says:

    Dear God, he was supposed to say ‘One Nation’ 50 times!!

  3. 3
    Steve Miliband says:

    Miliband run on hydraulics

  4. 4
    Grimy Miner says:

    “Christ, not again! – One Nation? heard it all before”

  5. 5
    Grimy Miner says:

    Man with head bowed – “Dear God, please hear my prayer. Make it go away”

  6. 6
    I Squiggle says:

    Christ, Disraeli?? He’ll be quoting Thatcher next..

  7. 7

    The Party’s programmers despair as the Milibot goes off message and they can’t even use a teleprompter to bring it back from too many listens to One Nation Under A Groove in its multi-cultural comprehensive training in the Haverstock design lab!

  8. 8

    Jesus! Leave it out, Ed. You’re like a fuckin’ stuck record. One Nation my arse!

  9. 9
    PC Gatekeeper says:

    “let us pray”

    Ironic, really given Ed’s “faith”

  10. 10
    I Squiggle says:

    David, why oh why didn’t you push him off the swing when you had a chance..

  11. 11
    Phil says:

    IT experts unable to cure looping prob or turn off Ed’s ear prompt give up in despair.

  12. 12
    I Squiggle says:

    You rehearse for weeks and weeks, and then he still sounds like Melvyn Bragg on beta blockers..

  13. 14
    Rupert my Hero says:

    Re Ed’s hot air comes out of the wrong hole.

  14. 15
    I Squiggle says:

    I should have voted for David, I really should have.. sob..

  15. 16

    omg david miliband wouldnt go this far and long

  16. 17
    Red eyed monster says:

    Speechwriter #2 says: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

  17. 18


    {stage whisper} “One Nation!”

  18. 19
    Rupert my Hero says:

    No one appreciates the Joke.

    • 147
      Rabbit Abbit says:

      Don’t know if I’m using my hanky crying from laughter or just crying because Miliband is shit.

  19. 20
    I Squiggle says:

    Christ, we’ve got another hour of this..

  20. 21
    Tom says:

    One Nation or England goes it alone

  21. 22
    Martin says:

    “Shit ! Had 20 quid on 26 One Nations”

  22. 23
    SaveEd.com says:

    SPAD #1: “What does ‘Wannashun’ even mean?!”

  23. 24
    Blinky out of tune says:

    Anyone see last night’s This Week? It had a priceless clip of Ed Balls murdering the theme from The Sting on a piano.

  24. 26
    mwnciboo says:

    “Just one Problem where is my speech?” Never let the Boss write his own stuff…

  25. 27
    Universal Hiss says:

    Ed’s rendition of Adam Ant’s Stand & Deliver instead of the Red Flag, horrifies delegates.

  26. 27
    allo allo says:

    wonder what thats about….freddie star resorted to a now failed injunction to stop a supposed libellous allegation from being reported..wednesday evening
    …household name entertainer ..

  27. 29

    Alistair..he IS saying ‘One Nation.’ Its just his dodgy adenoids that makes it sound like ‘BabeStation’

  28. 30
    ToonBob... says:

    Oh no, has he just heckled a Year11 school kid?

  29. 31
    Jimmy says:

    Ed tries to exert his authority by requiring underlings to bow..

  30. 32
    I Squiggle says:

    The moment the speechwriter realised that a ‘find and replace’ inadvertently changed ‘Our’ to ‘One’..

  31. 33

    We’re Doomed , Doomed i tell yer !

  32. 35

    “Aisle 5..Aisle 5 .. Cleanup please. Polly Toynbee has just wet herself again”

    • 56
      The nosey neighbours says:

      Polly would never do such a vulgar thing. She has a an old family retainer, Luigi, to wet her knickers for her.

      Its unusual though that her London butler Umberto wasn’t on hand with his silk handkerchief for when she wanted to wipe away the tears which welled up as she contemplated Ed’s inspiring countenance. I do hope he didn’t do his back in helping the deliverymen unload the consignment of fois gras this morning.

  33. 36
    sucker for a higgs boson says:

    one nation same bollocks

  34. 37
    Biff says:

    Quick, pass me the sick bucket if you’ve finished with it.

  35. 38
    Jimmy Savlon says:

    “OMG why has he got a stick-on pony-tail?”
    “Someone has won the conference stick the tail on the donkey contest”

  36. 40
    himindoors says:

    See no evil, Hear no evil, errrrr….. sh*t!

  37. 41
    Moussa Koussa says:


  38. 42
    Hugo Chavez says:

    Ed Miliband “Let us pray,ladies and gentlemen and kindly bow your heads”

  39. 44
    Mervyn King says:

    Please please please, don’t mention the economy.

  40. 45
    dickythedentist says:

    Bloody hell what a fairytale I wish he would go in rehab to cure his false memory syndrome.

  41. 46

    “And then I went to school. It was a comprehensive school..And , delegates, do you know, those compo kids beat the living shit out of me!”

  42. 47
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “…Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death, Amen!”

  43. 51
    Steve Miliband says:

    Even Miliband aides fall asleep during his speech

  44. 52

    All repeat after me, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa…………..

  45. 54
    Steve Miliband says:

    4 across is a bit tricky….

  46. 55

    “Comrades! You and I are are very much alike. I’m just an ordinary, hard working Joe. Just like you.

    At least, if you were an ordinary hard working Joe on £125k with a £2 million house I would be,..

  47. 58
    UKIP.i.am.awake says:

    “I felt the hand of God on my shoulder”.

  48. 60
    Sniper says:

    Nationalism – Check
    Socialism – Check
    Party – Check

    Yes Ed, very comprehensive, very comprehensive indeed.

  49. 61
    nasal ed says:

    Without notes, he’s only managed to remember one line of the bloody speech

  50. 62
    Brucie, Labrador says:

    Definitely one nation – Allah be praised.

  51. 63
    Universal Hiss says:

    Give a big hand for Ed does not go quite to plan…..

  52. 65
    illogical says:

    Manchester United 2 -Spurs 3 and now this

  53. 67
    Ed says:

    Did I ever tell you about the time I did my own homework?

  54. 68
    Sir William Waad says:

    They had braced for impact…….but there wasn’t any.

  55. 69
    Ghost of Greg Stone. says:

    Please let me wake up and find that David actually won and this has been a horrible dream.

  56. 70
    Sir William Waad says:

    They passed the long hours playing Zombie Slayer against Tom Watson.

  57. 71
    kronos says:

    Dear god no! Not observational comedy…..

  58. 72
    Anonymous says:

    “Oh God, we are stuck with him”

  59. 73
    guinnessbookofrecords. says:

    Ed wins worlds biggest liar contest. More porkies per minute than Gordon ever told, just.

  60. 74
    Sir William Waad says:

    “I could have had a good career in accountancy…..OH GOD WHAT A BLIND FOOL I WAS!”

  61. 75
    UKIP.i.am.awake says:

    Ed: “And once I am PM I will get jobs for all the fucking plebs”.

  62. 76
    doomed says:

    God help us!
    He also wants to take a stroll on the beach with Justine now!.

  63. 78

    “Comrades..We’re not going to worry about economics or the deficit. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a party.

  64. 79
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    Jesus, he’s even left his coathanger in.

  65. 81
    My Trousers are at the Pawnbrokers. Again says:

    Why has he got iv in his head, to tap off all the shit that’s in there?
    Think he might need two

  66. 82

    Oh Shit!! He’s supposed to be talking about the rush of young girls joining convents to escape the terrible economy…. ED!! ED!! It’s “Nun Inflation” the deaf bugger!

  67. 83
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    He’s all at sea, and I feel sick.

  68. 84
    Time 2 CTRL, ALT & DEL says:

    We read from Genesis chapter 4
    And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is David thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? And the Lord said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand;
    Let us pray…. Our father….

    BTW the prize from 2 weeks ago arrived this morning – Thanks

  69. 85

    “I can’t believe he’s not better!”

  70. 86
    Steve Miliband says:

    Miliband has stolen Baldwins lines

  71. 87
    UKIP.i.am.awake says:

    Ed:”Dave Miliband is completely out of touch. Err… I mean Dave Cameron is completely out of touch”.

  72. 88
    sounds familiar says:

    I thought it was a joke.
    His 3 year old son actually did write this sh*t

  73. 90
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    Bugger, I told him not to include Jimmy Savile in his one nation.

  74. 93
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    I spent 3 months writing his script and he’s left it in his bedroom.

  75. 94
    Abu Qatada says:

    Has to be Ed Miliband saying “Conference on the count of 3 all get your Rubik Cubes out!”

  76. 96
    the fish says:

    Oh no, what the fuck is he saying now……

  77. 97
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    All he can think of is one nation, whilst I’m faced with Botox Injections.

  78. 98
    b345t says:

    Leading from an Auto j u

  79. 99
    Old Tory Bigot says:

    “It hurts! Please. Make it Stop!”

  80. 100
    Baroness Warsi says:

    Ed Miliband saying to Conference ” I give this assurance,that in the event of a nuclear holocaust,the shadow government will be manned by a skeleton staff”

  81. 101
    Stepney says:

    OH, MY. GOD. What if the dozy little f*cker actually goes and wins?

  82. 102
    bergen says:

    “I bet Balls put Brahms’ lullaby through the tannoy to ruin my speech”.

  83. 103
    optical illusion says:

    Please Ed. Not line 16 again and again!
    Goof boards available out of the public and media eye to make him look capable and he loses his contact lenses.

  84. 105
    Old Tory Bigot says:

    “Ed’s controller accidentally flips the switch from ‘One Nation’ mode to ‘These Strikes are Wrong’ mode in mid speech.”

  85. 107
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    “I told him to lie in a darkened room FFS”

  86. 108
    I defy anyone not to laugh at this says:

  87. 109
    God calling... says:

    Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! The BBC are showing the earpiece.

    • 169
      Laughing hangman says:

      Oh dear, you couldn’t make it up could you. Who’s got control of thr remote McClusky Crow et al

  88. 112
    Engineer says:

    “I had the ten pints to blot out Tom Watson’s disco, but I wish I’d just had an early night instead now.”

  89. 113

    Tourette’s Syndrome Conference **cks The World.

  90. 114
    Anonymous says:

    “For F***’s sake where’s Gordon?

  91. 115

    Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! Ein Führer! …

  92. 116
    Peter Grant says:

    Labour Party put one (Hiber)Nation into immediate effect during Ed Miliband’s Conference Speech!

  93. 117
    Yuri Nate says:

    Ladies and gentlemen,boys and girls,I am so looking forward to Saturday,when my beloved Sunderland football club can defeat Manchester City.

    There is no more important event than this

  94. 118
    Margo Leadbetter says:

    Oh No! Ed just said Unite 26 times

  95. 119
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    “And a child starved to death after benefits delay under the previous government”

  96. 120
    Doesn't he live in a big mansion in a gated community? says:

    Musician and campaigner B1lly Bragg will give BBC 6 Music’s second annual John Peel Lecture at this year’s Radio Festival next month. The lecture was launched last year by inaugural speaker, The Who’s Pete Townshend. Bragg will explore how radio’s ‘pirates’ become mainstream and in what ways broadcasters should reflect that.

  97. 121
    Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

    Oh my God. Andrew Mitchell with Tourette’s.

  98. 123

    …and then, and then *sobs*, and then Boris stole my girlfriend. And when I complained, he beat the shit out of me. But then I became a Featherbanker. One you are a Featherbanker, you are always a Featherbanker.

  99. 124
    Anonymous says:

    In a serious wardrobe malfunction Ed’s alien harness was left clearly on show and his controlling Overlords were not impressed.

  100. 125

    Our house is a very, very fine house. With two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy…

  101. 126
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    ” I said send on Eddie Izzard “

  102. 127
    Greychatter says:

    S*it: you can the Key for winding him up!!

  103. 128

    We must all open our eyes to the problems around us…

  104. 130
    Anonymous says:

    We’re fuckd, all fucked, fully fucked and getting ready to be fucked again.
    Oh what fun!

  105. 131
    normal sevice will be resumed as quickly as possible says:

    “I knew I should not have left a karaoke exponent in the wings with a camera when Ed is attempting to pretend it as an off the cuff speech. We have been Fawked as usual”

  106. 132
    Dorian Smith says:

    “Don’t worry comrade, the BBC will fix it in the edit”

  107. 133
    Maverick Ways says:

    You’re right. We should’ve stuck with “Geek Nation”.

  108. 134
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    “One Nation of Islam…..

  109. 135
    it was a dark and stormy night says:


  110. 137
    debillytating says:

    ” I warned Ed about using On Tablets as his speechwriter, but would he listen- would he f*ck!”

  111. 138

    I have a dream, that one day David and I will be able to play as sisters and brothers.

  112. 139
    RobvsNature says:

    Come-downs are a bitch!

  113. 140
    harrioke says:

    I warned Ed about using 8illy as his speechwriter, but would he listen? Would he f*ck.

  114. 141
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    ” Fatcher, Fatcher milk thnacher”

  115. 142
    CT says:

    I TOLD you not to quote Eric Hobsbawm in public…

  116. 144
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    “And I believe that the BBC and The Guardian have their tax affairs in perfect order “

  117. 145
    David B says:

    I need Prozac NOW

  118. 148
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    “…and of course we all know where Jimmy Savile’s political tendencies lay….”

  119. 149
    R G Bhargee says:

    Ed is saying

    Put your hand in the air anyone who knows what “predistribution” means,I’m buggered if I know.

  120. 150
    Patrick says:

    Oh my God – the BBC have got Prescott lined up to answer questions on Disraeli.

  121. 151
    The public says:

    I didn’t quite get that. Would you mind repeating the bit about cutting taxes?

  122. 153
    Come in No.10, your time's up says:

    Oh God, did Ed say connect me to the Matrix or Matrix Chambers?

    • 155
      Slotgob says:

      The answer to that question is legally privileged, but for a small fee I will be willing to let you ask me a wholly hypothetical question which I can put to my husband on an entirely off the record, we’ve never met, no questions asked, save it for the confessional sort of basis..

  123. 156
    Enemy of the State says:

    Ok, God, now I DO believe in you because Satan is here giving a speech!

  124. 157
    reality says:

    Conference delegate suspects the worse.
    The photo will emerge for GF publication but austerity measures will result in a dearth of an available prize.

  125. 158
    Religion: The Original Sin says:

    ” …and Comrades I can announce today, that not only brother David but brother Scargill will be joining my team to lead us to victory in the two-thousand and sixteen General Election”

  126. 159
    Patrick says:

    I promise that no one who is a millionaire, or who went to private school will be a minister in my government.

  127. 162
    One nation one vote says:

    Don’t make eye contact with the delegates. They’re all rabid socialists, if you make eye contact they’ll attack. Just look away and try to seem calm while Ed hypnotises them by repeating ‘one nation’ seventy thousand times.

  128. 164
    Maverick Ways says:

    One Nation. One Leader. One Sibling.

  129. 165
    Genghis Khan says:

    Ed says

    It may be a cliche but I say again to Conference,Today is the most recent day since records began.

  130. 166
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Oh God, the auto-cue has jammed, listen “One Nation….One Nation….One Nation…..

  131. 168
    Observer says:

    “Yes we have unplugged the umbilical cord, but he has kept on going, almost as if he has a mind of his own”

  132. 170
    the savant says:

    Man in foreground :
    I TOLD Ed NOT to try and grow a ponytail . But would he listen ??

    Second man : He’ just has’ nt got the follicles for it .

  133. 172
    Mike says:

    “Guys, it’s working! These muppet party faithful think this is just a 1-way mic not a 2-way transmitter… it would help if you didn’t both prompt me at once though”!

  134. 173
    Anon says:

    Oh Not this One Nation cra*p ……….plebs won’t swallow that you cu*nt

  135. 175
    Eric Frogspawn says:

    Oh No! He just said Damn Nation 30 times

  136. 176
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Hypnotist Ed Miliband at work.

  137. 178
    JOHN LEMMON says:

    Ed prefer’s to stand up passing his stool…….

  138. 180
    Anonymous says:

    Man on left-45!……Man on right head in hands oh no—46!!!

  139. 182
    The Last Quango in PAris says:

    3 minutes after the ‘one nation’ drinking game began the effects began to kick in….

  140. 184
    Mark says:

    Oh no, I can believe he forgot my fries again

  141. 185
    tomknott says:

    “Oh no! Not Eskimo Nell!”

  142. 186
    david smith says:

    i am not into prayer. should be davidsmith407@hotmail.com

  143. 187
    Dr Nuts says:

    … and as my favourite 80s band sang – One Nation …
    “Vision! You imbicile, it was One Vision!”

  144. 188
    Devil's Dumplings says:

    He just said WHAT?

  145. 189
    Baron Hogwash says:

    Please God, make him shut the #@!% up!

  146. 190
    alex says:

    one nation!.. one nation!.. one nation!…. please! please! make him stop I cannot take it anymore……..mummy mummy

  147. 191
    keredybretsa says:

    We need a plebiscite for such a pleb!

  148. 192
    forgotten man says:

    “..and here we see two of our best mind controlling our of our new ‘One Leader’ range of robots…”

    • 193
      forgotten man says:

      oops, typo…

      “..and here we see two of our best mind controlling one of our new ‘One Leader’ range of robots…”

  149. 194
    please pick me says:

    “Where did it all go wrong?”

  150. 195
    DDC says:


  151. 196
    Ferquemal says:

    Bullshit Bingo competition keenly contested at this year’s conference

  152. 197
    DDC says:

    “I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the, er, UK dream.

    I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

    I have a dream that one day on the red hills of, Wales?, the sons of former miners and the sons of former mine owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

    I have a dream that one day even the state of Merseyside, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

    I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their pencils but by the content of their character.”

  153. 202
    Baldy says:

    Scanner1: “nnnn nanananana’

    Scanner2 (echoing in higher pitch): “NNnnnn nanananana’

    Ed fails to explode.

    Another NuLabour project fails.

    Scanner1: “Maybe we should just take him to a hotel?”

  154. 205
    blub says:

    Ed Miliband comperes charity speed w**king contest

  155. 207
    filipinomonkey says:


  156. 209
    Fat Shady says:

    Man with head in hands saying to himself:
    “Don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather, don’t mention your Grandfather“

  157. 210
    Danny says:

    I can’t believe he failed facepalming class.

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Warsi Got PM to Confront “Secular Fundamentalism” | Fraser Nelson
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Jenni Russell and Her Child’s Godfather, Ed Miliband | Breitbart
Labour’s Left and Right are Growing Restive | Staggers
Corrupt, Incompetent UN Has No Right to Lecture Us | Dan Hannan
Mirror’s Lazy Lie | Guardian

Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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