September 14th, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Kill Strategy Edition)

This week the winner will receive a copy of the new Toryboy the Movie DVD, hitting the shelves in October.

The film that exposed Sir Stuart Bell’s lazy life in Paris is a must-watch for any fans of the Thick of It. The likes of Jesse Norman, Ron Halfon and Lord Ashcroft found it hilarious, so don’t miss out on your chance to win.

Usual rules apply…


  1. 1
    Kebab Time says:

    “Dave attempts the Usian Bolt celebration, and fails”

  2. 2
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    This way for BJ.

  3. 3
    Kebab Time says:

    Dave : “will someone rid me of this Dorries woman”

  4. 4
    Old Curmudgeon says:

    “No french magazine photos for you, luv…”

  5. 5
    Richard Evans says:

    Either you increase exports or the blonde get’s it.

  6. 6
    Hopeful says:


    “no one pokes anymore Dave, we RT”

  7. 7
    Kebab Time says:

    Dave is deffo Stayin alive !

  8. 8
    Martin Day says:

    Dave ” To my right is the 1922 Committee in session”

  9. 9
    Mirror Signal Maneuvere says:

    Dave : As you can see theres plenty room for another U Turn over there.

  10. 10
    nasal ed says:

    the question you have to ask yourself is did I fire 5 or 6 MPs. Do you feel lucky?

  11. 11
    I Squiggle says:

    I’m afraid it gets worse than that PM, as you can see over there, Boris has also been pictured taking his top off..

  12. 12
    bob says:

    Is that a gun in the back of my head or am I getting the Beecroft treatment?

  13. 13
    tomdaylight says:

    Paranoid Prime Minister starts to see Boris everywhere.

  14. 14
    Hopeful says:

    Dave gives up “ninja Fruit” for “Worms” but fails to realise “prod” is not as dangerous in real life.

    Opss-ey, bye bye

  15. 15
    Loungelizard says:

    Surely one must get a replacement bung with these things?

  16. 16
    I Squiggle says:

    And over there we have Chris Huhne waiting for his impending court case.. chuckle chuckle..

  17. 17
    Schweizermag says:

    “…and if I turn it the other way, her left leg moves back again”

  18. 18
    I Squiggle says:

    Well, all I can see is two aspirins on an ironing board, but take the pics if you want..

  19. 19
    Steve Miliband says:

    When you said ‘a trip to Amazon’ I thought you meant the fucking river.

  20. 20
    I Squiggle says:

    So, that’s the way to Amaretto? Hic..

  21. 21
    Anonymous says:

    Dave hoped the next election was in the bag if he could just get the finger puppet to say what he wanted.

  22. 22
    Leroy Jenkins says:

    “She was walking down the white tiled corridor, with the feeling of walking in the sunlight, and an armed guard at his back. The long-hoped-for bullet was entering her brain… She gazed up at the enormous ego… Seven years it had taken her to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the thin veneer of pseudo-conservative policies… But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. She had won the victory over herself. She loved Big Dave.”

  23. 23
    Steve Miliband says:

    The file, ‘Conservative Policies’ is somewhere over there

  24. 24
    Sly Stallone says:

    Stop, or my thumb will shoot

  25. 25
    Buster Gasket says:

    C’mon bitch. Make my day!

  26. 26
    genghiz the kahn says:

    you’re thinking that in the confusion I forgot if I fired five or six times….well do you punk…go ahead make my day.

  27. 27
    I Squiggle says:

    There is absolutely no truth in the rumour I was spineless in those Kate topless pics..

  28. 28
    Teapot says:

    The frustrated woman didn’t appreciate the fingers going in further…

  29. 29
    Selohesra says:

    Dave: Now where can I lose this bogey

  30. 30
    Bodu says:

    Dave: me? I’d never ‘stab’ you in the back

  31. 31

    Oh, you asked me to visiit your warehouse…..

  32. 32
    gramma says:

    Dave checks out future B & Q job vacancies

  33. 33
    Dave Bruce says:

    I remember daddy letting me at with real guns

  34. 34
    Rupert my Hero says:

    Tag… your it.

  35. 35
    nasal ed says:

    now where is the off switch?

  36. 36
    Tom Watson says:

    Who’d like to see topless photos of me?

  37. 37
    Gonk says:

    ‘ The champagne and oysters are over there ‘

  38. 38
    Afghanistan Banana Stand says:

    Cameron gives the legend of the ‘Boy with his Finger in the Dyke’ a more modern twist.

  39. 39
    Sniper says:

    Look Nadine. I think the sniper you hired is over there.

  40. 40
    Dummitt says:

    My finger is trapped. Didn’t think she was a dyke.

  41. 41

    Nadine, Nadine, Nadine, Na-deeeen, I’m beggin’ of you please don’t make me shoot!

  42. 42
    Thom says:

    “And if you place your finger on the switch here you can swivel her eyes more readily in their sockets, not unlike my old action man.”

  43. 43
    Anonymous says:

    That’s the bit they’ve had to shut down since we came to power.

  44. 44

    You know, If I’d had as many dodgy postal votes as this lot, there wouldn’t be a coalition

  45. 45
    a non says:

    Cameron visits Ikea.
    Wants conserve a tory tips.

  46. 46
    Christina Odonetouchmetheredaddy says:

    If you put your first shot here, death should be instantaneous

  47. 47
    Thick as a Planck says:

    Pamela Stephenson fired by Dave

  48. 48
    Frankie says:

    Application of this pressure point here and you’re mine ahh ha ha ha

  49. 49

    I think I smell meatballs and mini hot dogs coming from over there, so that MUST be the exit!

  50. 50
    Thick as a Planck says:

    Are those trousers on the top shelf, likely to fit me better?

  51. 51
    Lycan says:

    Cameron takes hostage as he reverts to plan B

  52. 52
    The voice of unreason says:

    … and if you look over there, you’ll see where we keep Nadine …

  53. 53
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” I’ll get Sam to give you the name of her hairdresser”

  54. 54
    Anonymous says:

    How many people have you sacked recently?

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    That awkward moment when the puppeteer ruins the illusion.

  56. 56
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” Boris has less on the back, more on the front “

  57. 57
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “Dave tries to divert her attention just long enough for the photog to attempt an ‘upskirt’ shot…”

  58. 58
    nellnewman says:

    “I have set my life upon a cast.
    And I will stand the hazard of the die”

    shakespeare – RichardIII

  59. 59
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “If you were to pose topless up there, it might take the heat of Kate, and I would take a Closer look “

  60. 60
    Tom Watson ate my horse says:

    “Can I blow your brains out like you did mine?”

  61. 61
    annette curton says:

  62. 62
    Alexsandr says:

    So I went in B&Q and this bloke in an orange suit asked me if I wanted decking. So i hit him first.

  63. 63
    David says:

    “it must be right”

  64. 64

    See that odd looking chap in the overalls? The grumpy, smelly looking janitor type?

    I think he used to live in my house.

  65. 65
    Weybridgeman says:

    And if you look to the Right you’ll see where my career died……..

  66. 66
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “It may be a Co-op Funeral Parlor, but why are all the Tories still on the top shelf?”

  67. 67

    …maybe there’s something to sort out this leadership challenge in the self assembly aisle.

    lets see…..Gibbets, Garottes, Grenades, Gatling Guns, Gallows…Ahh! here we are ..Guillotines!

  68. 68

    Vince Cable has just today changed the employment laws, making it easier to sack someone.

    So you can fuck off.

  69. 69
    I hate Parliament so much it hurts says:

    Dave: “Yes, all these packages contain fifty-pound notes that I’m going to give to the EU. And over there points, that’s a warehouse full of fifty-pound notes that I’m going to donate to India’s space programme.”

  70. 70

    - Do you know order-order has a caption comp featuring us?
    -Really? what’s the prize.
    -Something about being a Tory.
    -I don’t think I’d want to watch anything like that.

  71. 71
    Loungelizard says:

    Nadine sensed a little prick behind her….

  72. 72
    Liarpoliticians says:

    Is that finger loaded?

  73. 73
    Liarpoliticians says:

    David Cameron messes up Winston Churchill’s two finger salute.

  74. 74
  75. 75
    Anonymous says:

    “…and if I touch this spot here, it makes one of your legs go all funny.”

  76. 76
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” over there…that’s the U-Turn Shelf “

  77. 77
    annette curton says:

    Don’t move, this is an upstick.

  78. 78
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” next to the long-grass shelf “

  79. 79
    Peter Grant says:

    Cameron: “If you’re blonde, what are you doing over here? Shouldn’t you be behind me where the sign says ‘BL’? Mind you, my Government is all over the place so who am I to talk?”

  80. 80
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “See, all the Tories on the top shelf.

  81. 81
    Iloathlefties says:

    It’s you that needs someone at their back not me David!!

  82. 82
    Thick as a Planck says:

    Or… ” All Tories, top shelf”

  83. 83
    Anonymous says:

    81lly, the idea is to suggest a caption that is funny!

  84. 84
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “My ratings used to be up there”

  85. 85
    Geordieboy says:

    Bitches rest room is that way Nadine

  86. 86
    Time for Kebab Time to go says:

    81lly, read Guido’s advice to you in red on this link

  87. 87
  88. 88
    Mr Plum says:

    Dave – You’re termnated

  89. 89
    Vichy Dave says:

    Some people think I’m a contemptible Hunt – but I’ve got my best interests at heart!

  90. 90
    Gonk says:

    ‘ I would very much like to take you camping, my pretty ‘

  91. 91
    Thick as a Planck says:

    And up there is where Guido keeps his Rules. Well out of site.

  92. 92
    Thick as a Planck says:

    Thick…. ‘sight’ even

  93. 93
    humerus says:

    Prefer 8ill’s comment

  94. 94
    Mr Plum says:

    You have hair just like Boris’s, you’re fired.

  95. 95
    humerus says:

    See 92

  96. 96
    Gonk says:

    ‘ My nanny used to have hair like yours ‘

  97. 97
    humerus says:

    8illy’s comment fits the picture Yours don’t

  98. 98
    Four-eyed English Genius says:

    Let me see, what did they say? Ah yes, red button to deactivate!

  99. 99
    YorkshireLad says:

    “Fancy a quickie behind the forklift over there?”

  100. 100
    Anonymous says:

    This is what I’m going to do to Cleggers one of these days.

  101. 101
    Calvin says:

    “…and that’s the 20×30 foot picture of Kate Middleton that Boris asked the printers to run off”

  102. 102
    Anonymous says:

    Ron? Halfon

  103. 103
    W.W. says:

    Over there is Nadine, still on the shelf.


  104. 104
    Nadine says:

    I said I need this like a hole in the head.

  105. 105
    gramma says:

    If Bliar can use a colourant maybe I should consider heir loss treatment.

  106. 106
    gramma says:

    Blondes have more dumb.

  107. 107
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” …and that top shelf is full of cartoons about the prophet, Mohammed “

  108. 108
    Thick as a Planck says:

    ” ..and that’s the Chinese version of Pick ‘n Mix “

  109. 109
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “Manifesto promises…no! That’s what I call a tall story “

  110. 110
    Thick as a Planck says:

    They’re the straights.
    They’re the bents
    There’re the U turns

  111. 111
    EC1 PhD says:

    Dave pulled the Tory Barbie cord once more before packing the by-election parachute.

  112. 112
    Vladikavkaz says:

    Cleethorpes’ version of Madame Tussauds funding ran out after installing just the one Conservative.

  113. 113
    Thick as a Planck says:

    “Silly bitch… you’ve got your Boris wig on back-to-front”

  114. 114
    Voltaire says:

    And that’s where Guido parked 8illy

  115. 115
    Another Engineer says:

    Where are you going with this, IKEA boy?

  116. 116
    jgm2 says:

    This is where you’ll be working after 2015 [B&Q]. They have a ‘positive discrimination’ policy about hiring older women.

  117. 117
    Ghost of Greg Stone says:

    Dave’s attempt at a Vulcan death grip fails.

  118. 118
    poets day says:

    …doctor – I have this useless flap of skin at the back of my head…

  119. 119
    Jimmy says:

    Sorry to have to do this but I’m a woman short for cabinet.

  120. 120
    Barnehurst Bob says:

    Craig Oliver from behind the camera: “No! Not that one! I said ‘shoot the blonde that’s causing you real trouble.’ “

  121. 121
    Alf Garnett says:

    “Is that a little nit I see, or is it just me?”

  122. 122
    EC1 PhD says:

    Dave pulled the Tory Barbie’s cord to make sure she was on message

  123. 123
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Dave’s audition as a porn star doesn’t go too well.

    ‘Not there, Dave. It’s between her legs.’

  124. 124
    wight tory says:

    “Damn, even with a silencer, there’s gonna be a huge echo….”

  125. 125
    Freddie Fraudster says:

    “Why is that piano hanging up there over the podium?”

  126. 126
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Dave has difficulty in finding the Tory party’s clitoris.

  127. 127
    OIE says:

    ..and over there, is where I have shelved Nick “Tea boy” Clegg’s chances of being the leader of those yellow fellows at the next election.

  128. 128
    Freddie Fraudster says:

    Fembot accepts second best when Boris fails to show

  129. 129
    Thick as a Planck says:

    Lenin airbrushed out of ‘photo

  130. 130
    Mr Convincing says:

    Oh look…shit for brains…I may be able to use you after all my dear.

  131. 131
    the savant says:

    I look like a very nice lady — reminiscent of Wendy Craig in her prime .

    In fact …..

  132. 132
    DaveH says:

    Look she’s got a bald patch too.

  133. 133
    humerus = 81lly = sado says:

    humerus – the game is up – only 81lly writes this badly.

    humerus is spelt humourus

    Yours should be yours

    don’t should be doesn’t

  134. 134
    yoostin says:

    Dave says “Nice rack!”

  135. 135
    Gonk says:

    Dave pulled the Tory Barbie.

  136. 136
    Spode says:

    >humerus is spelt humourus

    Illiterate twat.

  137. 137
    HPDL says:

    After sacking female ministers in the reshuffle, Dave resorts to female finger-puppets

  138. 138
    Hector says:

    I’ve already told you, get me out of IKEA or the Scandanavian gets it.

  139. 139
    Observer says:

    Man models trousers that are too long for him.

  140. 140
    Sid and Doris from east grinstead says:

    how about leaning over that dear….

  141. 141

    Mad Bad Nads at one of Fads’ Sad Pads when Ram Jam Cam did the Wham Bam Ham.

    Hot Damn!

  142. 142
    OIE says:

    I push my finger in, I pull my finger out, in, out, in, out, I wiggle it all about….

  143. 143
    Robertson Barley says:

    “Calm down dear, I’m not please to see you”

  144. 144
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    Dizzy Dave: “And this is where the Government keeps it boxes of spare soldiers, ever ready to be opened for when the UK Government decides to partake in yet another needless war, or for bailing out our political careers when dealing with strikers, unions, G4S and the like . . .”

  145. 145
    anonemo says:

    That’s the very mirror I used when I bought these trousers.

  146. 146
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    Dizzy Dave: “And on that side of the vault, opposite Tony’s shelves, is where I’ll store all the money I intend making after leaving office.”

  147. 147
  148. 148
    Freddie Fraudster says:

    Dave aghast at size of Boris’s personal condom store

  149. 149
    Stalin's spinner says:

    If we’re going to win the election we’ll need a “Kill Dorries Strategy”

  150. 150
    Anonymous says:

    dont be pydantic

  151. 151
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘Go on, show ‘em your tits sweetheart!’

  152. 152
    Freddie Fraudster says:

    David found the view inside Tony Blair’s wallet simply breathtaking

  153. 153
    DDC says:

    “Well, we’ve already passed BL, Nadine. So the BJ section must be over there.”

  154. 154

    Ewwww you’ve got Nits

  155. 155

    I love the smell of Nadine in the morning !

  156. 156
    Click Negg says:

    Dave reveaks his inner Margaret Thatcher

  157. 157
    Click Negg says:

    Dave reveals his inner Margaret Thatcher (oops finga trbl)

  158. 158
    The wizz says:

    Just look at all this tat! Thats why I shop on line.

  159. 159
    Pundit Too says:

    This is Dave’s new twisted dance version of the “pas a doble”; an initiation rite for incoming and outgoing MP’s

  160. 160
    rightist conspiracy says:

    “Darling, Boris may be waving his shlong at you but he is trying to fuck me”

  161. 161
    curious says:

    ‘Hows this for a joke….I can see a nit—wit?)

  162. 162
    filipinomonkey says:

    Push here for tea…

  163. 163
    Mad frankies older sister says:

    Dave “The door’s over there love”

  164. 164
    Anonymous says:

    Once we have closed down all the Design and Manufacturing we can start to build more nice clean warehouses like this.

  165. 165
    Andy says:

    That’s where all the debt the BOE are buying up with QE will be kept.

    Andy Edinburgh

  166. 166
    TomCatesby says:

    ‘Like I said, this is where, you, Boris, Cleggie and the rest are going to get it!’

  167. 167
    Georgeous George says:

    sEXIST CABINET RESHUFFLE. Oops Caps lock on! Window dressing forced down to 6.

  168. 168
    Martin Wibble says:

    Nadine: Nice book depository David.
    David: Yes, and over there we have a grassy knoll

Seen Elsewhere

May 2015 and the Art of Political Betting | MAY2015
Fate of Eurozone Rests in Hands of Videogame Expert | TechnoGuido
UKIP After Farage | Asa Bennett
Eichmann Called on Arabs to Continue War on Jews | Speccie
Mirror Hacking: 50 Legal Action Claims | Press Gazette
Mandy’s £400,000 Tax-Free Loan From Own Company | Guardian
Why We Must Remember the Holocaust | Hugo Rifkind
“Adjustments” Not Cuts | Gary Gibbon
The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
British Minister in Watch Gaffe | Straits Times
New Tory, New Danger | Laura Perrins

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