August 15th, 2012

Britain Sends Aid to Mars

The Indian government has today announced plans to launch a mission to Mars next year. The $82 million project, funded in part by the British taxpayers’ money meant for starving children, will see an unmanned spacecraft set off for the Red Planet in November 2013.

The least they could do is plant a Union Jack…


  1. 1
    The Public says:

    Give us our free turnips!


  2. 2
    Dave Cam says:

    I have been told that the starving children will be able to settle on Mars and I see no reason to doubt this.

    It’s the right thing to do


  3. 4
    Nullbymouth says:

    Will the last person out of the UK please turn out the lights?


    • 42
      Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

      Who keeps putting moeny in the meter to keep the bloody things on? Oh stupid me, it’s us taxpayers isn’t it!


  4. 5
    The last Quango in Paris says:

    This has absolutely got to stop. I could write a list As long as from here to Mars of better things to spend the money on.


  5. 6
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m farting a chariot of fire


  6. 8
    Squadron Leader Patel of Callcentre Alpha Mars says:

    put put put, may I be thanking please you lovely jubbly peoples, for your kind *shakes head sideways repeatedly* donation of 1.7% of your famous GDP to our good causes.

    Asda price !


    • 13
      Call me Dave says:

      Dear Mr Patel

      Thank you for your warm words it is much appreciated. Just one correction however.

      I don’t give you all the foreign aid budget just a lot of it. There are other very valuable things that we have as a country to do and not just in India. For example this is a vitally important thing for us to be doing –

      Your as always

      The Twat


  7. 9
    AC1 says:

    Well Africa sends A.I.D.S. to the U.K.


  8. 10
    Kevin T says:

    If they’d put all our fucking MP’s into it, I’d support funding the whole damn project.


  9. 14
    Danny Boil that needs lancing says:

    I am already filming Slumdog Billionaire


  10. 15
    SP4BS says:

    Perhaps you could privately donate a flag to the indian government. One of those that are on a cocktail-stick.

    But hold on. If you are Guido I, wouldn’t you want to give them an irish flag?


  11. 16
    Wally Wombat says:

    Probably done to create votes among the Indian diaspora in the UK.


  12. 17
    John Prescott says:

    I have 5 of these every morning. Reet champion!


  13. 18
    2 rollocks says:

    any news on the Irish space program ?


  14. 20
    The Paragnostic says:

    Since the name “Mars Rover” has already been used, will they call it the “Mars Tata”?


    • 40
      The Impartial observer says:

      Had one of those out on rent recently. Not a bad car apart from it’s strange habit of veering sharply every time it passed an industrial estate. Got it sussed eventually. Stuffed a couple of cartons of dog food & a case of washing up liquid in the back at the cash & carry & it purred along happily afterwards. Bloody junk hanging from the mirror was a pain though.


  15. 21
    The Impartial observer says:

    Pleep pleep….pleep pleep “Curiosity base?” pleep pleep “The chicken Madras, pillau rice & poppadoms you ordered.” pleep pleep……pleep pleep


  16. 22
    Buzz "Patel" Aldrin says:

    It may very well not be “unmanned” as rumours reaching me suggest that David Cameron & George Osborne will be inside the spacecraft.


  17. 30
    2 rollocks says:

    as somebody else said,” shouldn’t we be funding our own fucking space program” ?


  18. 35
    The Impartial observer says:

    “as somebody else said,” shouldn’t we be funding our own fucking space program” ?”

    Jeez, don’t start them on that. You seen the bill for the Olympics?


  19. 36
    Synic says:

    Dave — get your arse back from holiday and try and explain this fiasco on prime time telly — you stupid wxxker


  20. 39
    O'happy Day says:

    If we didnlt give aid to countries who have nuclear weapons and/or space programmes could we afford to feed some starving people somehwere?


  21. 43
    eadav says:

    ’…money meant for starving children,’
    Really Guido, I expect better. This is the timeless hypothecation myth. Whatever we ’mean’ in making our donation, our £££ go to the Indian exchequer which allocates total receipts as it sees fit: starving children, MP’s pensions, space exploration…
And this problem can’t be solved by paying our £££ directly to the said starving children since the exchequer would be free to divert the same amount to wherever it chooses.


    • 44
      2 rollocks says:

      I think what people are thinking is that if they have got money to spend on a rocketship then they don’t need our money especially when we are skint.


  22. 49
    (bleep) Hello, my name is Fred says:

    Why not send the money to all curry houses and bring the prices down?


  23. 54
    Anonymous says:

    The money sent to India goes to British NGOs operating in the country; none of it will have been spent on the space programme.


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Gyles Brandreth writes in his memoirs:

“Sunday, May 10, 1998

Early start: appearing on Breakfast With Frost, to be broadcast from 11 Downing Street. The Chancellor [Gordon Brown] is grouchily amiable, but so earnest — and still biting his fingernails to the quick.

After the show, he took us upstairs to his flat. He lives above No 10, while Blair and family are in the No 11 duplex, which is bigger and more like a proper house.

I was intrigued that, when he took us into his bedroom, the Chancellor rather ostentatiously opened the built-in wardrobes, as if he wanted us to see the women’s frocks that were hanging in there.

They looked quite large, but I don’t think they belong to Gordon. I assume they belong to his girlfriend [Sarah Macaulay, who he later married].

I presume he was keen for us to know that he has one — and that she’s not a ‘beard’. I don’t think he does anything without calculation.”

The British media are Hunts says:

Now the SNP know how UKIP voters feel all the time.

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