August 15th, 2012

Britain Sends Aid to Mars

The Indian government has today announced plans to launch a mission to Mars next year. The $82 million project, funded in part by the British taxpayers’ money meant for starving children, will see an unmanned spacecraft set off for the Red Planet in November 2013.

The least they could do is plant a Union Jack…


  1. 1
    The Public says:

    Give us our free turnips!

  2. 2
    Dave Cam says:

    I have been told that the starving children will be able to settle on Mars and I see no reason to doubt this.

    It’s the right thing to do

  3. 3
    Old Holborn says:

    Lest we forget, they launched their own nuclear powered, nuclear armed sub just this week!! Drinks all round!!

  4. 4
    Nullbymouth says:

    Will the last person out of the UK please turn out the lights?

  5. 5
    The last Quango in Paris says:

    This has absolutely got to stop. I could write a list As long as from here to Mars of better things to spend the money on.

  6. 6
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m farting a chariot of fire

  7. 7
    Backwoodsman says:

    Just to reassure you, if it is maintained in a similar maner to their nuclear power stations, any danger from it would be of a general nature, with an ‘own goal’ the most probable result.

  8. 8
    Squadron Leader Patel of Callcentre Alpha Mars says:

    put put put, may I be thanking please you lovely jubbly peoples, for your kind *shakes head sideways repeatedly* donation of 1.7% of your famous GDP to our good causes.

    Asda price !

  9. 9
    AC1 says:

    Well Africa sends A.I.D.S. to the U.K.

  10. 10
    Kevin T says:

    If they’d put all our fucking MP’s into it, I’d support funding the whole damn project.

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    No aid for Cadbury’s?

  12. 12
    Spartacus says:

    no, no – we must pay more taxes for this sort of thing

  13. 13
    Call me Dave says:

    Dear Mr Patel

    Thank you for your warm words it is much appreciated. Just one correction however.

    I don’t give you all the foreign aid budget just a lot of it. There are other very valuable things that we have as a country to do and not just in India. For example this is a vitally important thing for us to be doing –

    Your as always

    The Twat

  14. 14
    Danny Boil that needs lancing says:

    I am already filming Slumdog Billionaire

  15. 15
    SP4BS says:

    Perhaps you could privately donate a flag to the indian government. One of those that are on a cocktail-stick.

    But hold on. If you are Guido I, wouldn’t you want to give them an irish flag?

  16. 16
    Wally Wombat says:

    Probably done to create votes among the Indian diaspora in the UK.

  17. 17
    John Prescott says:

    I have 5 of these every morning. Reet champion!

  18. 18
    2 rollocks says:

    any news on the Irish space program ?

  19. 19

    When they launched it, how many crew were there? And how many clinging to the outside?

  20. 20
    The Paragnostic says:

    Since the name “Mars Rover” has already been used, will they call it the “Mars Tata”?

  21. 21
    The Impartial observer says:

    Pleep pleep….pleep pleep “Curiosity base?” pleep pleep “The chicken Madras, pillau rice & poppadoms you ordered.” pleep pleep……pleep pleep

  22. 22
    Buzz "Patel" Aldrin says:

    It may very well not be “unmanned” as rumours reaching me suggest that David Cameron & George Osborne will be inside the spacecraft.

  23. 23
    The Paragnostic says:

    They’re trying to find dark matter, but can’t see past the Clonakilty black pudding yet. Once that is achieved, there’s the Guinness to deal with.

  24. 24
    Tess Tecal says:

    They are still looking for a very large milk bottle to fit the rocket in.

  25. 25
    I type with my budgie says:

    Ha. For you, that’s quite witty.

  26. 26
    Anonymous says:

    I am Spartacus.

  27. 27
  28. 28
    Nurse Botha says:

    Oh, dear. No lighting-up in the little girl’s room for an hour or so, Ladies.

  29. 29
    Anonymous says:

    No, I am Spartacus.

  30. 30
    2 rollocks says:

    as somebody else said,” shouldn’t we be funding our own fucking space program” ?

  31. 31
    AC1 says:

    The “public sector” is our waste of space program

  32. 32
    Fr. O'Plenty says:

    The last I heard, they’d reached a depth of 830 feet.

  33. 33
    Anonymous says:

    No! It’s still between their ears.

  34. 34
    2 rollocks says:

    it was going OK but then the dish ran away with the spoon

  35. 35
    The Impartial observer says:

    “as somebody else said,” shouldn’t we be funding our own fucking space program” ?”

    Jeez, don’t start them on that. You seen the bill for the Olympics?

  36. 36
    Synic says:

    Dave — get your arse back from holiday and try and explain this fiasco on prime time telly — you stupid wxxker

  37. 37
    Nullbymouth says:

    Mind that Clonakilty black pudding is lovely. Far better than the Bury shite

  38. 38
    2 rollocks says:

    does anybody remember the dieting product “Aids for slimmers” I wonder what happened to that ?

  39. 39
    O'happy Day says:

    If we didnlt give aid to countries who have nuclear weapons and/or space programmes could we afford to feed some starving people somehwere?

  40. 40
    The Impartial observer says:

    Had one of those out on rent recently. Not a bad car apart from it’s strange habit of veering sharply every time it passed an industrial estate. Got it sussed eventually. Stuffed a couple of cartons of dog food & a case of washing up liquid in the back at the cash & carry & it purred along happily afterwards. Bloody junk hanging from the mirror was a pain though.

  41. 41
    O'happy Day says:

    Who is Spartacus?

  42. 42
    Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

    Who keeps putting moeny in the meter to keep the bloody things on? Oh stupid me, it’s us taxpayers isn’t it!

  43. 43
    eadav says:

    ’…money meant for starving children,’
    Really Guido, I expect better. This is the timeless hypothecation myth. Whatever we ’mean’ in making our donation, our £££ go to the Indian exchequer which allocates total receipts as it sees fit: starving children, MP’s pensions, space exploration…
And this problem can’t be solved by paying our £££ directly to the said starving children since the exchequer would be free to divert the same amount to wherever it chooses.

  44. 44
    2 rollocks says:

    I think what people are thinking is that if they have got money to spend on a rocketship then they don’t need our money especially when we are skint.

  45. 45
    Diogenes' stand-in says:

    And India supplies most of our tuberculosis.

  46. 46
    Forkbender says:

    Guido, old chap, isn’t CAFOD the Roman Catholic version of Oxfam?

  47. 47
    Forkbender says:

    Haven’t we given enough to Eire over £10,000 so far to help them out of their mess

  48. 48
    Stobrith says:

    Are you thinking of CATFOOD ?

  49. 49
    (bleep) Hello, my name is Fred says:

    Why not send the money to all curry houses and bring the prices down?

  50. 50
    Forkbender says:

    We used to have one, heard of Blue Streak?

  51. 51
    Forkbender says:

    Catfood is for cats, Cafod is the Roman Catholic aid agency

  52. 52
    Forkbender says:

    Should be £10Billion silly me

  53. 53
    किहादक् ््क्ग़ीज्येच् says:

    india is about status.
    “The $82 million project, funded in part by the British taxpayers’ money meant for starving children”
    is there a link which shows misuse of UK funds.

  54. 54
    Anonymous says:

    The money sent to India goes to British NGOs operating in the country; none of it will have been spent on the space programme.

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