August 7th, 2012

Twitter Bitch Fight of the Week: Hain v Guido
Hain in Spain a Bit of a Pain

Guido is a getting a bit worried about Peter Hain. Yesterday the former Labour minister was lounging by the pool in sunny Spain and decided to pick a fight. Today he came back for more, which is never a good idea. There is not room for the whole conversation here, but this is a flavour:

The sun must have gone to his head…


  1. 1
    Who? says:

  2. 2
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    What’s wrong with having an alcohol problem, dear?

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    Actually looks more to me like you lost that one guido, delusional as you are though

  4. 4
    keredybretsa says:

    Is it true that Tweeters can Tweet theeir brains away?

  5. 5

    Play the ball not the tan, Mr Fawkes.

  6. 6
    Andrew Efiong says:

    Hain is probably very bitter after Guido exposed his venal corruption and utter incompetence.

  7. 7
    Steve Miliband says:

    Has he gone to Spain to get a bit paler?

  8. 8
    Peter Hains 50 shades of orange says:

    Coming to a bookstore near you !

  9. 9
    Tuscan Tony says:

    On the subject of spats Guido, 2 consecutive Private Eyes, 2 consecutive character assassinations of you.

    Whatever is Hislop thinking?

  10. 10
    Thomas from Tonna says:

    I remember in the 60s going down to Swansea to see some cricket when South Africa was visiting.

    When I got to the ground there were police helmets all over the place and Hain was there organizing a near riot.

    When I asked a policeman what time the cricket was going to start he said never.

    I then tried to have a pint in the Bay View and it was all boarded up.

    That is what happens when Mr Hain is in action: no cricket and no beer and no word of sorrow.

  11. 11
    DZ says:

    Who the fuck is Peter Hain?

  12. 12
    Twitty twatty twoo says:

    Whenever I almost give in and think, “I really should try Twitter, if only for a day” I read another dose of banal crap that spews forth from it and remember why I avoid it like the plague.

  13. 13
    Tuscan Tony says:

    “police helmets all over the place”

    Was it a group badger-watch?

  14. 14
    Damn says:


    Guido, have you actually read the conversation?! Those tweets are him pounding you while ignoring your responses, while your best hit is a link to a Tory newspaper criticising a Labour MP. I mean…

  15. 15
    Robin Banks says:

    Hain represents everything that is bad about the Labour Party.

  16. 16
    Lord Scalded Bollock says:

    As arbitrator in this twitter bitch fight,there really is only one way to solve this.

    Each contestant will have 30 minutes to dig up as much of a cricket pitch as fast as they can,

    This may be a trip down memory lane for Peter Hain.

  17. 17
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    lol, dear ;- )

  18. 18
    Obvious, innit. says:

    Nana Darko-Frempong was the wife of Grampa Darko-Frempong.

  19. 19
    Bluebottle says:

    No it was supposed to be a game of cricket until Hain arrived.

    Keep up.

  20. 20
    SP4BS says:

    Wasn’t he set off by that “socialists can’t go to the south of france” story.

    You know, I bet you could float a “socialists can’t go to scotland” sort of spin in France.

  21. 21
    I remember when there were public toilets in the Rhondda says:

    If he has any sense Hain will stay out of the Bay View.

  22. 22
    Ivan Agenda says:

    Hain is a totally OTT narcissistic politician of very limited abilities.
    Leave him on his lilo getting his tan further enhanced. It is the only thing that can be enhanced by him.
    There are much bigger fish to fry.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Any relation to Donnie?

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    Why waste your time on that hasbeen Guido? He is just trying to wind you up.
    Ignore him; that will wind him up.
    Other matters of greater importance than that nonentity are more deserving of your attention.

  25. 25
    SP4BS says:

    you don’t get to be 83 and a quarter.

  26. 26
    Captain Pedalo says:

    Je suis là.

    Tous c’est gratuit.

  27. 27
    Peter Hains 50 shades of orange says:

    So by refusing to engage Guido and answer the points being directed at him you consider that a victory ??? Hmmmm

  28. 28
    Tony Bliar resplendant in his white robes says:

    Even I disliked the subversive perma tanned little git

  29. 29
    Durr... says:

    Was, I think.

  30. 30
    Plato says:

    What the F*ck is Twitter all about??

    I genuinely do not get it – why is it so popular?

  31. 31
    Obvious, innit. says:

    No, but for a moment I had an image of an airliner’s engine falling on Chukup Umunna’s head.

    Which was nice.

  32. 32
    Le Nullbymouth says:

    une frite Mars Bar s’il vous plaît

  33. 33
    Engineer says:

    His problem is two hands, but only one mouth.

  34. 34
    He's talking to a TV Camera says:

  35. 35
    Gary Lineker says:

    These overpaid Olympic athletes are full of shite. The don’t give a shit as long they can buy their next Bentley and get papped outside a club with their latest designer clothes and armfuls of tattoos, returning back to Wilmslow and their mansions with pools and tennis courts.

    Can’t wait for the football season to start so we can see the articulate, hard working footballers strive for personal achievement whilst setting a graet example.

  36. 36
    Thomas from Tonna says:

    Can you just fill us in on why Peter Hain had to resign as a Cabinet Minister when he had done nothing wrong?

  37. 37
    keredybretsa says:

    I’ll surely drink to that!!

  38. 38
    Engineer says:

    Silly season.

  39. 39
    The Paragnostic says:

    He’s just hanging out in Marbella with his bank-robbing mates.

  40. 40
    The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey says:

    Fuck knows. Ask 13illy 8otty.

  41. 41
    Plato says:

    He’s thinking: ‘I’m sitting here complacently getting fat and rich while the Thai Bride continually spikes my best stories’.

    Same as he has done since the late, great Cookie left us.

  42. 42
    Sir Aston Martin says:


    >hasbeen Guido

    The absent comma introduces a delicious ambiguity — you might be addressing Mr P. Hain :-)

  43. 43
    Banal Britain says:


    It’s like a f*cking disease, infecting everything it touches.

    View any British newspaper’s website (including, dear God, the Telegraph) and every story seems to be “Twitter twitter tweet tweet someone tweeted twitter twitter tweet”.

    Is there no end to it?

  44. 44
    annette curton says:

    “Like all bullies doesn’t like it when people stand up to him”, it’s twitter for fucks sake, suffering from a virtual broken nose?.

  45. 45
    Hain factoid No56 says:

    In the 1960’s Hain was a long haired leftwing yob who tried to stop the Springboks playing England by sprinkling broken glass on the Rugby pitch.

  46. 46
    wavygravy says:

    Obviously the one who said that he had forced the resignation of a Conservative politician is the liar.
    Or was he just too pissed to tell the difference between resignation and suspension ?

  47. 47
    Alan Hanson says:

    Pace..power..precision..pace..power..precision…pound notes…blah….

  48. 48
    Kinnochio says:

    Peter hain is tottally and utterly discredited. He couldn’t even get a job on the Euro gravy train wiht me and my extended family. He’ll have to go back to robbing banks.

  49. 49
    Cruel and unusual punishment says:

    Poor sod. I felt sorry for Militwit before I read that, now I really pity him.

  50. 50
    Another Anonymous says:

    The impression I got was of a man so twisted and embittered by the circumstances which led to his departure that he can’t let go – even when he is supposed to be on holiday and getting away from it all.

    Everyone else is relaxing around the pool and enjoying a pleasant afternoon while all Hain can think of is grabbing his mobile device and starting a virtual fight. You might expect that kind of tunnel-vision behaviour from a hot-headed teenager fuelled with an excess of testosterone and a deficit of self-control, but not from someone who is supposed to have had the maturity necessary to hold ministerial office.

  51. 51
    Socialist Twat says:

    Peter Hain to Captain Kirk while studying planet EU.
    “It’s democracy Jim,but not as we know it”

  52. 52
    Scamp The Excitable Dog says:

    ‘Peter’ ‘Hain’

  53. 53
    annette curton says:

    Fucking elephant ears with a bag of crisps.

  54. 54
    Scamp The Excitable Dog says:


  55. 55
    Enquirer says:

    Isn’t Peter Hain an old has-been and someone who was (and maybe still is) associated with fiddles?

  56. 56
    I don't need no doctor says:

    If Hain is near Seville it would be hard to see him against all those Orange trees.

  57. 57
    Angel Merkel, leader of the Fourth Reich, says:

    Democracy? NEIN!

  58. 58
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Where does Umunna live?

  59. 59
    The Sheikh Of Arabeeee says:

    Did he fuck as like. That fucking orange-tinted fucking sack of rancid fucking chimpanzee smeg couldn’t fucking persuade me to get out of a fucking car, because I’d automatically assume that the spunkbubble was fucking lying to me.

  60. 60
    Hain factoid No47 says:

    It is only rumoured that Peter Hain robbed a bank in Putney in 1976 even through three schoolboys and the bank clerk identified Hain as the robber.

  61. 61
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Fu**ing Bl*** C***. I believe this to be football speak.

  62. 62
    throwaway comment #16548 says:

    It was probably him that placed a length of barbed wire along the try-line of our school rugby pitch and covered it with grass cuttings.

  63. 63
    Roscoe Rules says:

    Would it be racist to call Hain a ‘Liquorice allsort’?
    Orange on the outside and…you know the rest.

  64. 64
    I don't need no doctor says:

    No one is dispuitin.
    That Vladimir Putin.
    Is just another Rasputin.

  65. 65
    Captain Pedalo says:

    Apres crépuscule.

  66. 66
    alanincork says:

    Selling more used cars in Spain?
    Fear not, Hain is on the wane!
    Read the archive:

  67. 67
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Maybe an Orange Ice? As a kid we used to call them suckers.

  68. 68
    I don't need no doctor says:

    So he has kept up his life of crime, robbing the taxpayer. Remember the mining disaster in Wales. Hain was on every TV picture, the Orange shit.

  69. 69
    Lord Stansted says:

    With a bit of luck, the stress will drive Hain to drink. If there is anything that so represnets the corruption, uselessness and full-faced incompetance of the last Labour government ii is piss useless Hain. If only BOSS had got him all those years ago!

  70. 70 says:

    I wonder if Hain made similar remarks about Amy Winehouse.

  71. 71
    The Paragnostic says:

    In a very large house in Dulwich, on which death duties were avoided?

    One thing’s for sure – he wouldn’t lat five minutes in Tulse Hill.

  72. 72

    Nice to see the LiBore Truth Trolls hijacking the comments early to divert attention from bully boy Hain.

    It is typical of the troughing Champagne Sociopath to insult and accuse opponents of bullying, inebriation, lying, corruption and incompetence when that is precisely what he is doing.

    Why do the Labour Party think mendacious thugs like Hain and Balls have any redeeming qualities, because most certainly are not servants of the people.

  73. 73
    Harry Hill says:

    There is only one way to settle this.

  74. 74
    Lord Stansted says:

    me too!

  75. 75
    Wally Wombat says:

    Peter Hain? Isn’t that the twat that prefers today’s fcuked up Zimbabwe to yesterday’s wonderful Rhodesia?

  76. 76
    Roscoe Rules says:

    Unlike Prescott who is more associated with Banjo’s

  77. 77
    Plonker says:

    There are 3 “residents” on the other side of the car park from Ed and they are walking away from him.

  78. 78
    The Paragnostic says:

    O/T, but RIP Sir Bernard Lovell – from where I grew up, we could see across the Cheshire plain, and Joddrell Bank was a bright shining beacon to British ingenuity.

    One of our greats.

  79. 79
    Lord Stansted says:

    typewriter ribbon, surely.

  80. 80
    Hava Nagila says:

    I wouldn’t mess with Hain if I were you, Guido. You might end up getting blown up by his friends from South Africa. He’s got form for that, y’know, although, admittedly, it tends only to be septagenerian women who get blown up by Hain’s pals.

  81. 81
    blobby says:

    Has nobody told Hain that he comes across as a bit sad and pathetic on twitter? It would be easy to mistake him for a sad teenager tapping out his angst from his messy bedroom. Then again, anyone who goes out of their way to develop and maintain such a unnatural orange glow clearly has no self-awareness.

    With his repeated references to apartheid I think even he realises his best days are long behind him. The rest of his life is a bit of a disappointment. And he’s now reduced to firing off insults on twitter.

  82. 82
    Lord Stansted says:


  83. 83
    Hava Nagila says:

    With his repeated references to apartheid I think even he realises his best days are long behind him.

    If his best days consist of reading out Bible passages justifying the indiscriminate bombing of train stations and the murder of old ladies, I’d hate to see the fucker’s worst days.

  84. 84
    Hain factoid No29 says:

    When on his annual Spanish sailing holidays Peter Hain never wears a life preserver and can be easily seen 3 miles out to sea.

  85. 85
    Hains Half drunk Bottle washer says:

    Why isn’t the hoon in London supporting Team GB……Well at least supporting South Africa ?

    Seems a bit odd to fly all the way to sunny Spain just to spray yourself with fake tan

  86. 86
    Hain factoid No13 says:

    When Peter Hain ever gets sunburn he simply peels him self a new skin.

  87. 87
    blobby says:

    Hain is an MP ffs! He’s let himself be goaded into behaving like a child, in public! He’s not fit for office.
    I bet Guido’s laughing his head off.

  88. 88
    Bryn Phillips says:

    My Hero and role model

  89. 89
    Hain factoid No22 says:

    Did you know Peter Hain’s urine is almost 99% vitamin C.

  90. 90
    D Dickinson (fellow crim allegedley) says:

    I’ll show him Orange

  91. 91
    There fixed it for you Peter says:

    Hain was never an influential MP and is now just propaganda for tired and discredited opposition

  92. 92

    Me too

    It is hilarious to see these self important twits get all bitter and twisted over bollocks no one cares about.

    Tweeting is a free put on your reputation as your victories are forgotten, but your gaffs rehashed ad infinitum.

    Keep tweeting bollocks and we’ll keep thinking what fucking idiots you are for doing it

  93. 93
    Some Twat up North says:

    Murdoch style burial, perhaps???

  94. 94
    Guido's handlers says:

    Oy vey! Time to put the pissed up prick out of his misery.

  95. 95
    Peter Hains Ego from a Naranja orchard in Espana says:

    I won get over it!

  96. 96
    Kevin T says:

    It’s bad enough we have to put up with our own superannuated student radicals. Why do we have to import other countries?

    F U C K OFF HAIN. Why don’t you want to live under the ANC, which you worked so hard to put in power?

  97. 97
    knob jockey Fawkes says:

    someone mention giving head?

  98. 98
    Hain factoid No76 says:

    Did you know Peter Hain tried to gain entry the London Olympics and was refused on the grounds that he was a Dutch football hooligan.

  99. 99
    Who do you think your are? says:

    Are those the Newcastle Darko-Frempong’s of Railway sidings?

  100. 100
    Mars Curiosity rest work and tweet says:

    I have just tweeted from Mars

  101. 101
    Super zuffle says:

    Must be a quiet afternoon in Labour HQ

  102. 102
    Hains little helper says:

    not a fan then?

  103. 103
    Stan mixed race are exempt from the law Collymore says:

    Still beating up women, Gary?

  104. 104
    Super zuffle says:

    Sounds like it has rattled you. Job well done guido :)

  105. 105
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “Yah mon, we watched ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ all de time!”, and then they found out who he REALLY was.

  106. 106
    Hain factoid No21 says:

    Did you know that before getting in to politics Peter Hain worked as a lollipop man.

  107. 107
    Gordon and Tony says:

    Oi! who said that

  108. 108
    Le Nullbymouth says:

    Tout le temps vraiment

  109. 109
    Kevin T says:

    It was a bit more than “rumoured”. The cu nt was tried for it. His story was South African agents employed a double to frame him!

    Remember that next time he’s going on about bankers.

  110. 110
    ToonBob... says:

    PH is in Spain checking on the banks perhaps? Security is paramount these days.

  111. 111
    Boudicca says:

    Bain is a pompous joke with a comedy tan and a questionable attitude to political donations and expenses who was mates with Mugabe.
    He’s best ignored.

  112. 112
    To funny says:

    He’s no the only one laughing his head off.

    Peter hain…..expenses


  113. 113
    Hain factoid No6 says:

    Contrary to popular belief Peter Hain has a mobile phone contract with Vodafone.

  114. 114
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    Peter-With-The-Heater might be a little out of sorts after one of his “holistic treatments,” you know, the kind advocated by his quack medicine foundation that was so dodgy it folded up the moment its Royal Patron, Prince Jughead, abandoned ship? If it was a colonic, it hasn’t succeeded, as he’s still as full of shite as ever.

  115. 115
    The ANC says:

    Hey, man! WE don’t want no honkey white trash!

  116. 116
    Rupert's left sock says:

    Labour is the bullying party. They want to control all propaganda for their own self interest.

  117. 117
    A Choc Ice says:

    Bit rich That Stan, Black calling the kettle lol

  118. 118
    Some Twat up North says:

    Thats what got him the job at Morrisons obviously… Pace… Power… Oh and Greed

  119. 119

    Well done comrade, now turn to page 25 of the smear handbook where you will find some fresh and original insults.

  120. 120
    Here, Hear says:


  121. 121
    Have you been Tango'ed says:

    My charity based trust and all my other shady dealings are totally innocent.

  122. 122
    Some Twat up North says:

    Obviously he should have been chancellor then, more qualifications than Gideon

  123. 123
    Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

    More like a Maxwell type funeral. Same industry, different crook.

  124. 124
    Some Twat up North says:

    He’s Fucking Orange FFS… I hate racists

  125. 125
    Brown out and pay me damages says:

    What an arsehole.

  126. 126
    tlillis4 says:

    Bun fight! Bun fight!

    Would someone explain to me what’s the difficulty in being paralytic so long as one is at the desk come morning? When covering politicians such an ability is a boon.

    Besides, the appropriate response should be “I’m sober this morning. But you are still… Peter Hain”

  127. 127
    Labour are the bullying party says:

    Who is stupid enough to vote for that shower of useless shit.

  128. 128
    Man With Long But Fading Memory says:

    I thought he was a Liberal.

  129. 129
    Eamonn Benefits says:

    I am, as long as they keep the money coming!

  130. 130
    C Twarmer says:

    Me too. I have a vital job in the public sector. I am full time union rep to the diversity department of the council climate change resistance unit. Well, I was but I have been off sick with stress since 2007.

  131. 131
    Punchlines for every occassion says:

    … which I replied if I was Peter Hain I would drink it .

  132. 132
    Hain factoid No19 says:

    Some say Peter Hain’s skin colour represents his politics, a mixture of red and yellow.

  133. 133
    How the public sector works says:

    I take it your spell of stressed induced sickness kicked in just as your period of paid maternity leave expired ?

  134. 134
    Astronomer Royal says:

    Mars is a load of shite. No women, no burgers, no booze. I’m coming home.

  135. 135
    Fitbad the Tailor says:

    Hain has friends in South Africa? If so why didn’t he go back there when aparthied ceased? They could have done with his help. Perhaps it never meant as much to him as his political ambitions over here.

  136. 136
    fruitcake says:

    Agent Orange

  137. 137
    Labour- the bullying party says:

    Mr Tango has been tangoed.

  138. 138
    fruitcake says:

    Hislop just likes being seen as a naughty but clever schoolboy.

  139. 139
    le fruitcake says:

    Marianne, vous vilain vieux renarde!

  140. 140
    bergen says:

    Rubbish. Hain distrupted a rugby match there, not a game of cricket. Same ground though.

  141. 141
    Arghhh says:

    It’s attention seekers giving each other attention in the belief that more than a handful are actually watching or care. It’s even more fleeting than blogs.

  142. 142
    Labour- the bullying party says:

    Guido. Why are you debating with a suspected bank robber?

  143. 143
    Hugh Janus says:

    Don’t forget that the utterly odious Peter Vain has a conviction for conspiracy, too.

  144. 144

    Fucking Tango man !

  145. 145
    Baron Hogwash says:

    – Liar. @PeterHain


  146. 146
    Procrustes says:

    Thinking and spelling not required -perfect for MPs

  147. 147 says:

    I thought Hain had dyed? It’s not him tweeting – it’s his pensioner mum.

  148. 148
    Anonymous says:

    Did any of this happen while he was trying to become leader,changing wives or setting up the barrage job by any chance?

  149. 149
    the rectal surgeon says:

    up his own arse

    i know

    i operated on him for a suspected largish polyp and instead found
    his head in the colonic canal

  150. 150
    Thoughts in the wind says:

    Putin the boot in?

  151. 151
    Hang The Bastards says:

    Lets just remember these simple facts

    1. Hain is a liar
    2. Hain stole our money
    3. Hain is a self serving bastard who represents no one in this country
    4. Guido just exposes tvvats like Hain.


  152. 152
    The Impartial observer says:

    Very disturbed to hear that you might have an alcohol problem, up there, Mr G. Be driving up next week & could always detour via Chateau Margaux, pick up a few cases if the situation’s critical.
    As for the Orange One. Can’t say he’s been spotted by your’s truly. Although not saying he’d stand out here, particularly,. Whole town’s full of cheap whores with fake tans.

  153. 153
    Julianlzb87 says:

    Guido’s “possible” alcohol problem is that it isn’t subsidised by the tax payer unlike Hains.

  154. 154
    Gordon Brown says:

    I don’t think he ever grew up did he? Still the same hideously orange bigot.

  155. 155
    Anonymous says:

    That’s interesting ,Enquirer. Is his real name Stradivarius?

  156. 156
    Gaston says:

    Peter Hain?

    Now there’s a pale, faded name from yesteryear!

  157. 157
    Pickled Wizard says:

    There’s not enough of them at labour HQ to make it busy (last one out shut the door etc., ad nauseum)

  158. 158

    If anyone epitomises the the modern day self serving, lying, egotisical, thieving Member Of Parliament its Peter Hain. He is a backstabbing, cowardly imposter who abandoned his fellow countrymen in South Africa to their fate and ran away to the safety of Great Britain.
    Unlike anti apartheid hero’s Ahmed Kathrada and Billy Nair and hundreds of other brave souls there was no Robben Island for our Brave Sir Robin.

    If any group of people epitomise the utter stupidity and ignorant tribal loyalists who allow people like Hain to get away with it, its the people of Neath and Port Talbot who kept electing the odious snake.
    Shame on you.

  159. 159
    Truthteller says:

    See comment 151

  160. 160
    taC eht abbaJ says:

    “If only BOSS had got him all those years ago!”

    Though I totally agree with the sentiment, the trouble was that in those days he was in reality such an insignificant ass wipe that he didn’t figure on anybody’s radar, merely in his own deluded mind…

  161. 161
    Disco Biscuit says:

    So Guido got nicked after having one too many. Doesn’t Hain have a rather more serious criminal conviction?

  162. 162

    I’ve been trying to get to grips with it myself. It has potential in that, while blog owners can block you from commenting on their pages, Twitter lets you shout out to whoever is ‘Following’ you, or even just browsing and happens to see your name. Detractors can’t prevent that. You may not *have* many Followers, but size isn’t everything, and if your Tweets ‘trend’, you might catch a few ears…

    In practice, it’s empty jugs that make the moist nose, though.

    (Did I smell ‘practice’ right?)

  163. 163

    Hey. Hey! HEY!

    What about the Hillsborough Agreement? I seem to recall Peter Hain, at the end of one broadcast of ‘Any Questions?’, where the question was ‘What will you be remembered for?’, thinking that people should remember him for that, and being quite disappointed that amid a number of suggestions, no-one thought of it…

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