Video: 50 Shades of Grey, Man
Edwina Currie Talks Dirty
Shudder…
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Ai Weiwei in China fighting the taxman…
“Under totalitarian rule, no one is protected by law. We will all be the same helpless victims. When a country insists on its lies, it’s time for an artist to bring forth change.”
Ah! Monika says:
Google-eyed-Dave
what is all the 50 shades of sheds shit?
I feel physically sick : (
It’s terrible writing, sure, and it’s delivered as you’d expect from a randy old slag, but it’s the fact that Edwina Curry clearly still thinks of herself as some sort of a seductress that makes me queasy.
I had a real nice boner going before I heard that
*shudders* Pass the mind bleach please!
Come on guys, I’ve seen (and probably had) worse.
Definate older MILF material and nothing a few tokes on the ol’ bong couldn’t sort out.
Bet she bangs like a sh*t-house door too, gape, ass-to-mouth, reverse cowboy, the lot.
She has a Major problem…………………………………
Fifty shades of grey. That’s me. Oh yes.
Tell me this is a joke…
Talking dirty beats talking shit for a change.
This is the woman who whored her biography off the the back of her confessions of adultery with John Major. Despicable woman.
Would!!!
Have.
Did!
Saddos.
Did.
AAHAHHHHHHH I CANNOT UN-HEAR THIS YOU EVIL ARSE!!
I could sense it was a cruel trap, and resisted hitting the ‘play’ button.
#1 three mummy-porn books in circulation whose Amazon sales have just surpassed Harry Potter. All read by pre/post menopausal overweight women. Don’t sit near to anyone on a bus reading it.
LOL my thoughts exactly.
If its conservative politician themed mental illness weak then you’ve got me. I’m not clicking that, I’m Edwina-phobic.
Many men are rendered weak by Edwina, every week.
17 Weak in, weak out.
She’s as shite as a writer as she was as a politician.
Not as shite as I am. Does her daughter have a daughter? Boaz.
Only a tory would describe sex as “thorough”.
Laying on one’s back and taking it, is demeaning to women.
That’s why I’m considerate and let Mrs Jack lie on her stomach when I’m giving her one with the ‘device.’
… “seeing to” … for instance?
Well agree with you entirely that it is extremely weird and I have no *desire* whatsoever to buy the book.
However, whilst on the subject, nothing that your mob has ever done could be characterised as that … except for a different sort of fucking – fucking up the country’s economy.
A leftie would apologise for having sex.
Your parent’s should.
It’s a life long struggle and I am truly sorry.
It’s Eton slang.
Think he should have stuck with the plate of peas.
Slowly she loosened the shirt from the waistband of his underpants…..
and gasped! . . . for there, before her eyes -
…unrolled a…
grey..
…multi-headed condom in bright orange with blue polka dots and, on each end, the reservoir was shaped like …
..origami..
…wet and limp…
..like a politician’s handshake..
however –
There was no stopping her now. She seized..
…but, realising her schoolgirl typo, she sneezed..
..all over his….
..freshly-ironed GIRO…
….he grasped the trained ferret by the tail….
..ignoring her protestations..
…and demanded..
….to know why…
…his twelve inch..
…..people prefer petit pois?
… or:
‘loosely, she shirtened the waist from the under of his waistpants.’
or:
‘shirtily, she waistened the band from his underloose’…
or:
‘bandily, she panted the loose sh*t from his waste under.’
or:
‘Wastefully, she slowed the pant-shirt from his loose-band…’
HuffPo are looking for someone like you!
b****r HuffPo! I shan’t be content until I’m writing the Peter Simple column in The Morning Post, under Colin Welch’s Editorship…
..with my cross-bow
I shot the albatross..
..wіth my crоss-bоw
І shоt thе аlbаtrоss..
Ah yes, Little Jonny Major, the original grey man, no one had a wiff of the affair until Edwina’s book came out all those years ago, she certainly kept her trap shut till he was out of power, I bet some on this blog wish that if they had an affair the concubine would keep her mouth closed, a very rare quality in a woman.
…..and Major is STILL the last Conservative leader to win a general election.
Keeping their mouth closed is usually the last thing most people want in a sexual partner……
Another wet seat in the House ?
Don’t you mean ‘dry eye’?
So the geez had his sticky jollies and the bird had a drop of vino, to take away the taste of…..wait for it…toothpaste. Ain’t it exciting?
I thought the toothpaste was the last straw. But I kept listening! Like watching a snake.
What John Missed ?
Thing is that she really believes she’s a hottie. Maximum kudos to JM for managing to get it up for that moose!
I always thought those specs of his looked a bit iffy.
Do you mean misted up
To be fair, when Edwina was Minister for Egg Panics, she did have a very pert arse.
Nowadays, though, my heart belongs to Sarah Teather.
l thoughts, all passions, all delights,
Whatever stirs this mortal frame,
All are but ministers of Love,
And feed his sacred flame.
A true aficionado of midget porn.
I have a book I’ve been writing for these last few years.
Its brilliant.
Here’s a snippet.
“As that woman who seemed to always be about the place came into the kitchen, the cold scots wind blew through the open half gate door. Leaves blew over her slippers and and against her boilersuited legs.
She had good legs, apparently. Good if she were a free standing bath or a planter trough.
She moved across to the tall, powerful, manly Scotsman, sitting at the table. He was doing something brilliant and impressive to do with world finance.
“oh..Gore-dan. i need you. I want you . I’m soaking at the thought of your powerful embrace.”
The muscular and super-clever and very un-mong like man looked up from his genius workings.
“Shall I fetch you a hot water bottle if you’re so wet?”
“No Gore-Dan..I mean I’m hot! And quaking.”
“A fan then? I’ve a leaf blower in the shed that might do the trick.”
“No..you don’t understand. take me..Take me Gore-Dan..take me! I’m trembling with anticipation..”
“That might be bird-flu. Luckily under the great brown’s stewardship the NHS has never had more money spent on it and waiting times are many many minutes better than they were in 1997..”
“Gore-Dan..TAKE ME!!!!”
“Ahhh, okay..I’ll get the car keys. There’s a union meeting on in 30 minutes. Voting on new resolutions and constitutional changes. We’ll go there. It’ll be mind blowing.”
And he rose to fetch his hat and driving gloves..
am I allowed to just say I enjoyed that?
You are Polly Toynbee and I claim my 5 Tuscan villas.
Now that’s funny!
Why?
In a masterful, but under-stated way, he felched the hat and driving-gloves.
The bigoted woman was still there, so he reached for his Nokia.
‘No, Gore-Dan! I am a woman – a woman with needs…’
‘Ah, needs: we can see to that! I shall write a letter to your G.P.: above all people, a Doctor should be able to read my writing!’
His insouciant laugh, with that so-typical reflexing of the jaw and endearing puckering of the under-lip, as he sat down again,drawing forth a fresh sheet of paper, and carefully selecting among his so numerous felt-tips (oh!) and crayons merely piled Ossian on Pelia.
‘Westcliff!’, she shouted.
‘Wycliffe?’, he questioned.
‘Heathcliff!’, she cried, tears moistening her face.
‘Northcliffe?’: he was querulous.
‘No, no, no! Heathcliff: you Heathcliff, me Cathy.’
‘So… you’re not that bigoted woman, nor are you’ – he glanced down at his desk – ‘Sarah…’
‘Oh, don’t you understand – you, a man with a brain the size of a planet! – don’t you understand: there are things a woman needs?’
‘Let me be quite clear about this, and I’ll take you questions in order. First, yes, I know I have a brain the size of a planet; second, I know that a woman has needs, I know that men have needs, children have needs, sheep have needs, cows have needs…’
‘You Tarzan, me Jane…’, she whimpered.
‘But, just now, you told me you were Cathy, once I thought you were called Sarah, and now…’
She was on her knees now. ‘Gore-Dan, GORE-dan’, she murmured. ‘You are a Bull. Gore me, Dan: gore me, Gore-dan!’
He reassuringly patted her head, or her arm, or some other part of her repulsive person, remembering not to wipe his hand on his tie.
‘Don’t worry: if there is a problem to be solved, I will throw money at it until… but there is no ‘until’: cynics (and bigots) say ‘…until it’s solved, or until the money runs out?’ The money never runs out, the problem is always solved. Now, tell me about these other men in your life – this Tarzan, and this Eastcliffe -because we will be able to help them too. Does Southcliff receive all his Benefits, I ask; does Tarzan need a Visa, citizenship, decent housing, for him and his friend Chimp…
She could stand it no longer.
In a clear and strong voice she demanded of him..
“Gore-Dan.Take of my wellies.”
He followed the order, a little uncertainly.
“Now,” she soothed, “Gore-Dan. Take off my cable knit seaman’s sweater and take off my overalls.”
He did as commanded.
Huskily she purred at him.
“Gore-Dan..unhook my bra…And Gore-Dan..remove my Bridgette Jones knickers”
He complied, uncertain of what would follow.
“Very good. Now Gore-Dan…don’t let me find you wearing them again”
McRuin doesn’t have a driving licence so why would he own driving gloves?
Its fiction you imbecile.
I can own gloves if I like!
If you’re going to pick holes I can tell you won’t like chapter three when I’m reelected with a 600 seat majority!
Every time I see that woman I think of her shagging my former Prime Minister and I want to puke up.
She was supposed to be a Cabinet Minister. She knew the Prime Minister was the top dog and married. Yet she could not keep her hands off him.
I think she should be stripped of her Parliamentary pension for conduct unbecoming. Can we start up one of those internet petitions to get something done about her?
Ohhh! listen dear. I’ve got a fabulous one. Idea I mean, you dirty hussy.
I’ll put a private member up. ..oh you cheeky slut.its nothing like that at all, more’s the pity. I’ll get Tom Watson, you know big tom? Well, he’s called big Tom because of his belly, not the size of his majority. I’ve seen it and believe me dear, its a very disappointing find for a girl.
Or,..oh and this IS such a hoot!
How about I ask for a judge led inquiry into conduct unbecoming?
Hmm Ohh I just love a good bash with a judge don’t you?
I don’t wish to know, kindly leave the sage.
You are disgusting.
There should be laws to stop people like you.
But Mr Gweed told us some timeago the Laws was just like him! Now I am confused.
“And if you want to know what happened next, you’ll have to buy the e-book…”
N-a-a-h-h-h, I’ll give it a wide berth. One shag is pretty much like any other, in this sort of book; first he comes, and then he goes– isn’t that pretty much what happens? Do I need an e-book to tell me that?
If you can’t write this sort of book better from your own experiences, then you might as well shoot yourself.
(They never found out what really happened between me and Mary Evans)
No no no, yet more honkeys winning medals, this is not acceptable. At least the worlds biggest commie said he enjoyed the opening ceremony, very communist and we even have Zil lanes.
Looting and shooting events start next week.
I thought the looting and shooting events were taking place on a regular basis throughout the year in selected boroughs of London and other major cities.
You’re all drunk aren’t you, dear?
Outrageous schlurrrrrr!
‘John Major’s 50 shades of grey underpants’ By Edwina Curry
It was his favourite colour, I think he like the colour green of his peas
There was a time I would have. But not now.
How dull.
I’ve had her.
Ive had Cherie.
Funny what turns men in power on, isn’t it?
Over my dead body.
http://www.london2012.com/medals/medal-count/
…….”panting and cleaning her dentures he always felt like it was similar to f**king a bag of crisps…..”
You’ll have to do better than that, son…
You’re not on about Elsie Beattie are you Hugh?
Dirty old slapper.
The skip felt cold and uninviting as I slipped my todger into the local, crack head slag. There was another couple of tramps laid next to us who had already passed out after a quick suck and fuck. I carried on thrusting mechanically, but had to fake it in the end, my thoughts more on the fact that I was pewking up a cocktail of bucky, deep fried mars bar and kebab.
Dirty boy!
That was a good night for him, too.
Leave the lad alone. He does a great job as this site’s lightening conductor.
“There was another couple of tramps”
I don’t mind the tramp thing but my grammar’s certainly better than that.
You were fucking pissed, remember?
Good point. As you were then.
And you never called, bitch.
I told you. It’s the voters of Corby or me. You made your choice.
Don’t remind me, you never could keep it up for long.
It can take the singular, Jimmy, me old, dyed-in the wool, lefty nutter.
Moral: before donning the Grammar Nazi jodhpurs and kneeboots, make sure of your facts!
Dyed-in-the-wool.
You must be Scotch.
Excuse me, I think I’ve just cum.
Try not to do it again.
Well ok i’ll talk dirty then
Cop a load of our wimmins hockey team , they could bully me off any day all far better looking than our butch ladies soccer team and they have baps
I quite liked it.
And a bit from one of mine “Temple Temptation” no 12 in my Rose series of Kinky quickies, published 2 days ago and already selling. It is set in Oxford.
“As he continued to fondle my fingers and whisper in my ear, I could feel his breath tickle me as I desperately tried to figure out where, for time was rapidly becoming of the essence. You know, when you simply have to do it there and then. But I couldn’t not here. But equally I doubted that I could walk out of the building to a hotel or even a quiet wall with any dignity.”
The thing about erotica as I am finding is that it sells well in the States, not so well in the UK. But that might just be me.
People who liked that also liked this:
http://tinyurl.com/btwm6sh
And now I point out my Jailer John series….
(sorry I will behave now)
O/t (but inspired by a ‘seen elsewhere’ earlier today) :
Have Lady Ashton and David Threlfall ever been seen in the same room at the same time ?
She’s one of us and just trying to make money.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Please No
Oh my god that was awful, just awful.
Is it my imagination are all our medal winners terribly white and middle class? Fat Polly will not be impressed.
Such a difference from the multi cultural shit hole that Danny Boyle painted last week.
Many of them were of a darker complexion but turned pale at the thought of the upcoming interview with Clare Balding.
You know how they say TV makes people app*ear fatter? Saw Clare Balding at Heathrow airport a few weeks ago – it doesn’t (make people look fatter). She really does look like that.
YUK!
she makes dildos go limp
Wait till you see the track and field team
I think the others are all in the Wheelchair Olympics, dear.
Wot iz MOWB?
Yep. You wanna fess up or keep playing? I don’t mind either way. I’m your biggest fan, whatever.
Well fan may be too strong a word.
You know I love you.
Yeah. Feels nice.
You DID make my nipples stiffen!
I know
They are the most beautiful nipples I have ever kissed.
And they seem to like me. I am glad. ♥
Before anyone else says it, lets get a room FFS.
Some shouty commenter on The DT site. I think he got banned and eloped to Azerbaijan with Brendan Lacluster. They grew low-grade marijuana there for a while before being expelled and flying on to Mexico where they were spirited through the tunnels and eventually touched base with Igonikon Jack, USA in Baton Rouge who had been typing comments to The Telegraph for eleven days straight.
His unwashed socks and Y-fronts were standing in the corner.
What a lovely story, dear. My Reg, too, God rest his soul, was in the habit of starching his Y-fronts once a week.
What’s a bunk up?
Better than a bunk down?
Igonikon Jack
Don’t even joke about it. A pixel-hogging, byte-wasting first-pass at writing a script to data grab and defeat the Turing test.
It’s probably an anagram of ‘I’m a c*unt’.
Well, perhaps not, but I’m too lazy to stick it into an anagram solver.
Igonnakum Jerk, USA ©E 1896
Man on Waterloo Bridge. A DT poster.
That case with the effnics and the girls . . . . nothing happened . . . and even if it did, they were just helping the girls find a better life . . . teaching them deportment . . . . social graces . . . . the art of small talk . . .
Now wasn’t that generous of them?
We applaud them . . . more than that we CELEBRATE them!
That is all.
Get on with your work.
Pay your Telly Tax!
It will change when the bush runners and spear throwers get their turn.
But our colonial cousins seem to have far faster bush runners and spear chuckers than we do. I think if we changed our baton for a stolen handbag we’d do a lot better.
A yank once told me ‘Our bl*acks are faster than your bl*acks’.
He was right too.
There’s no doubt that we drew the short straw with Diane Abbott.
Well, y’all, it’s breeding obvious why that is, innit?
The biased Beeboid lot,why oh why are they given any oxygen at all?.
THIS BIASED BUNCH OF LEFT WING ARSEHOLES NEED TO BE GIVEN THEIR MARCHING ORDERS PDQ.
Sucking at the taxpayers teat and their profligate spending is now obscene and now their programmes are becoming unwatchable.
As for Dannyboy Boil and his left wing multicultural crap,I for one would like to tell him stick up you know were.
Well done to our people who have won medals,and you need to look at Wiggo for humility if you want an example of what’s right with this country and what’s wrong.
That’s not what the Queen thought when his reply to her message of congratulations was, and I quote…
Fuck the Queen.
Really. Humility and the foul-mouthed, arrogant fashion victim do not go hand in hand.
I notice he’s started doing a Jamie Oliver, believing the hype, and is now demanding that laws about cycling should be ran past him first.
This is also the guy who, on winning the Tour de France, ascended to the podium and made some quip about drawing the raffle tickets.
The economy is fucked. He’s got massive mutton chops. Bob Crow is threatening to bring the Olympics to a halt unless he gets more money. We’re printing money. The oil pr*ice is through the roof. The entire world is on IMF-watch.
It’s back to the 70′s.
Can flares be far behind?
I am afraid there is no gas left.
You know how it is that (say) Jade Goody or Kerry Katona or some other thick fucker thinks that because they’ve somehow become rich through some weird popularity contest that they’ve also suddenly became clever…
Diane Abbott is the political equivalent. These fuckers, however they manage to leverage whatever angle they have, into becoming an MP really do think that they’re somehow also become intelligent. Yet there they are, rubbing shoulders with utter fuckwits like John Prescott, and it never dawns on ‘em that they too have somehow got lucky and are still the same thick c*unts they were at primary school.
It’s kind of endearing in an confident five-year old. It’s also the reason the UK is fucked.
It’s nice that Diane Abbott has an opinion. It would be nicer still if she had one of her own.
It would be even nicer if she kept it to herself, along with her hideous face.
Now then, don’t you know when you’re being enriched
All your critical faculties must be ditched?
Even if you deem the whole pantomime risible
Dissing Dave’s Big Society’s not permissible
On the question of being enriched,
My views aren’t entirely fixed.
Having worked with stacks
Of most excellent bl*cks
And whites who’re nothing but pr*icks.
Has anyone seen our Jimmy?
He said he would be back in for his bed time at 9pm… I bet he’s run off to that gay bar with Chris Bryant again.
Not a drum was heard, nor a funeral note
As her body did John Major sully
As he deftly discharged his farewell shot
O’er the chest of Edwina Currie
He fucked her darkly at dead of night,
The sod, with his ‘bayonet’ turning
Her arse inside out, by the moon’s misty light
And her thick skull dimly burning.
…
And so on and so forth…
Is this like my Mills & Boon books dear?
lol, Elsie
I bet you wouldn’t be able to find a single banker who’d say that hanging Tony Blair (or Gordon Brown) was wrong.
So Kofi Annan throws the towel in as the Mid East Mr Fixit in Syria. Time for Tone to step up to the plate and earn his money as the region’s Envoy of Peace.
Kofi didnt last too long when he had to get his hands dirty.
Thanks for all the giggles on this thread, hilarious peeps, nearly threw up me curry…
Here. Try some of this…..
As sure as eggs is eggs, she was right though.
Police banned ‘eggs is eggs’ in case it offended infertile women
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8234080/Police-banned-eggs-is-eggs-in-case-it-offended-infertile-women-officer-claims.html
You probably can’t even say “sure as God made little green apples” for fear of offending atheists, or puritans who think you’re taking the Lord’s name in vain, or even worse, those apple growers who insist they don’t mar*ket apples that aren’t red or Golden. How’d'ya like THEM apples?
Politicians never last long if they tell the truth in this country. And then we wonder why they are so dishonest.
What a silly old slapper now know what to buy her for Christmas a new Dildo apparently its hard to tell her fanny and arsehole apart.
Are you saying that John Major is a Dildo?
Breaking news: There has been shooting at the Olympics. Luckily we got a gold medal in it. If there had been a tie at the end of the last round there would have been a sudden death shoot-out.
At the victory ceremony for the rowing eights, Princess Royal kissed the cox of the British crew.
A limp (hic!) spokesman.
They all look hideously white. Was no thought given to this picture? Were there no enriching citizens who could have added to increase the inclusivity of this photo op? This would never have happened under Tony Blair.
What, with last week’s caption competition with Ed Miliband and his hideously white nursery school backdrop (not even a token bl*ack ‘carer’ for fuck’s sake), I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t a deliberate policy to try to steal back votes lost to the B&P.
Ed– pssst– Ed honey! Comb your hair– your real hairline is showing! It makes you look even more like Meat Loaf!
Ken Livingson’s mayoral ambitions were fucked up (amongst other things – such as being a lying, tax-avoiding, J**-baiting c*unt) by association with Bob Crow. Unfortunately Comrade Crow seems to have sneaked in dressed in drag.
Just saying.
Why are they all reading “Creative Minds”? What is Balls up to now with what looks like his Darby and Joan night fan club.
Edwin Currie reading erotica. Like shagging a prostitute in a multi-storey car park it’s just wrong on so many levels.
Oy gevalt, Edwina! A nice Jooish bubbe like you reading such chazzerai! All right already, we get it, you’re not an alter kocker yet, you’re still a bissel hayss! Still, why don’t you make like a nice Jooish girl of a particular age and retire to Boca Raton? You wanna schtupp? There’s plenty of eligible men of the Wayne Rooney variety living there– nu? Another Scouser just like you?– but you’re the one’s expected to have the mazuma, I gotta tell you, emmis! Plus, you can always have a nice tan so it shouldn’t be a total loss!
But surely Philip Hiindes deliberately falling off his bike so as to fail and start again is no different from the Chinks throwing their badminton games?
Pissed again ?….. you will be receiving the bill shortly …..shouldnt use things
Huh?
Sanctimonious git.
All thoughts, all passions, all delights
Whatever stirs this mortal frame
All are but ministers of Love
And feed His sacred flame.
Na night, darling xx
Gideon isn’t going anywhere. No-one can emasculate me.
Damn it! I still think there is something foxy about the minx – a far better shag than a young un?
Daily Fail back down in stupid legal action.
Wouldn’t touch her with Charles Manson’s.
There’s some rotten eggs on here