August 2nd, 2012

Video: 50 Shades of Grey, Man
Edwina Currie Talks Dirty


  1. 1
    John says:

    what is all the 50 shades of sheds shit?


    • 21
      Anonymous says:

      I feel physically sick : (

      It’s terrible writing, sure, and it’s delivered as you’d expect from a randy old slag, but it’s the fact that Edwina Curry clearly still thinks of herself as some sort of a seductress that makes me queasy.


      • 28
        I type with my toes says:

        I had a real nice boner going before I heard that :-(


      • 59
        Growing old gracefully says:

        *shudders* Pass the mind bleach please!


        • 107
          Stiffy says:

          Come on guys, I’ve seen (and probably had) worse.

          Definate older MILF material and nothing a few tokes on the ol’ bong couldn’t sort out.

          Bet she bangs like a sh*t-house door too, gape, ass-to-mouth, reverse cowboy, the lot.


      • 129
        I really, really can't be arsed to..... says:

        She has a Major problem…………………………………


    • 86
      John Major says:

      Fifty shades of grey. That’s me. Oh yes.


    • 97
      Business Cat (Specializing in yarns, Cdn owned & op) says:

      Tell me this is a joke…


    • 127
      Team GB´s golden shower says:

      Talking dirty beats talking shit for a change.


    • 194
      Anonymous says:

      This is the woman who whored her biography off the the back of her confessions of adultery with John Major. Despicable woman.


  2. 2
    John Major says:



  3. 3



  4. 5
    robbie says:

    #1 three mummy-porn books in circulation whose Amazon sales have just surpassed Harry Potter. All read by pre/post menopausal overweight women. Don’t sit near to anyone on a bus reading it.


  5. 6
    SP4BS says:

    If its conservative politician themed mental illness weak then you’ve got me. I’m not clicking that, I’m Edwina-phobic.


  6. 7
    Ivor Biggun says:

    She’s as shite as a writer as she was as a politician.


  7. 8
    Jimmy says:

    Only a tory would describe sex as “thorough”.


    • 12
      Hattie Harperson says:

      Laying on one’s back and taking it, is demeaning to women.
      That’s why I’m considerate and let Mrs Jack lie on her stomach when I’m giving her one with the ‘device.’


    • 15
      As in .... says:

      … “seeing to” … for instance?


    • 20
      I type with my toes says:

      Well agree with you entirely that it is extremely weird and I have no *desire* whatsoever to buy the book.

      However, whilst on the subject, nothing that your mob has ever done could be characterised as that … except for a different sort of fucking – fucking up the country’s economy.


    • 79
      yeah yeah says:

      A leftie would apologise for having sex.


    • 109
      Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

      It’s Eton slang.


  8. 9
    Philip McArthur says:

    Think he should have stuck with the plate of peas.


  9. 11
    Rupert my Hero says:

    Another wet seat in the House ?


  10. 13
    keredybretsa says:

    So the geez had his sticky jollies and the bird had a drop of vino, to take away the taste of…..wait for it…toothpaste. Ain’t it exciting?


    • 100
      Business Cat (Specializing in yarns, Cdn owned & op) says:

      I thought the toothpaste was the last straw. But I kept listening! Like watching a snake.


  11. 14
    Rupert my Hero says:

    What John Missed ?


  12. 22
    Riggsy Brown says:

    Thing is that she really believes she’s a hottie. Maximum kudos to JM for managing to get it up for that moose!


  13. 30
    Gordon Brown says:

    I have a book I’ve been writing for these last few years.
    Its brilliant.

    Here’s a snippet.

    “As that woman who seemed to always be about the place came into the kitchen, the cold scots wind blew through the open half gate door. Leaves blew over her slippers and and against her boilersuited legs.
    She had good legs, apparently. Good if she were a free standing bath or a planter trough.

    She moved across to the tall, powerful, manly Scotsman, sitting at the table. He was doing something brilliant and impressive to do with world finance.

    “oh..Gore-dan. i need you. I want you . I’m soaking at the thought of your powerful embrace.”

    The muscular and super-clever and very un-mong like man looked up from his genius workings.

    “Shall I fetch you a hot water bottle if you’re so wet?”

    “No Gore-Dan..I mean I’m hot! And quaking.”

    “A fan then? I’ve a leaf blower in the shed that might do the trick.”

    “ don’t understand. take me..Take me Gore-Dan..take me! I’m trembling with anticipation..”

    “That might be bird-flu. Luckily under the great brown’s stewardship the NHS has never had more money spent on it and waiting times are many many minutes better than they were in 1997..”

    “Gore-Dan..TAKE ME!!!!”

    “Ahhh, okay..I’ll get the car keys. There’s a union meeting on in 30 minutes. Voting on new resolutions and constitutional changes. We’ll go there. It’ll be mind blowing.”

    And he rose to fetch his hat and driving gloves..


    • 41
      tickled says:

      am I allowed to just say I enjoyed that?


    • 69
      Jethro says:

      In a masterful, but under-stated way, he felched the hat and driving-gloves.
      The bigoted woman was still there, so he reached for his Nokia.
      ‘No, Gore-Dan! I am a woman – a woman with needs…’
      ‘Ah, needs: we can see to that! I shall write a letter to your G.P.: above all people, a Doctor should be able to read my writing!’
      His insouciant laugh, with that so-typical reflexing of the jaw and endearing puckering of the under-lip, as he sat down again,drawing forth a fresh sheet of paper, and carefully selecting among his so numerous felt-tips (oh!) and crayons merely piled Ossian on Pelia.
      ‘Westcliff!’, she shouted.
      ‘Wycliffe?’, he questioned.
      ‘Heathcliff!’, she cried, tears moistening her face.
      ‘Northcliffe?': he was querulous.
      ‘No, no, no! Heathcliff: you Heathcliff, me Cathy.’
      ‘So… you’re not that bigoted woman, nor are you’ – he glanced down at his desk – ‘Sarah…’
      ‘Oh, don’t you understand – you, a man with a brain the size of a planet! – don’t you understand: there are things a woman needs?’
      ‘Let me be quite clear about this, and I’ll take you questions in order. First, yes, I know I have a brain the size of a planet; second, I know that a woman has needs, I know that men have needs, children have needs, sheep have needs, cows have needs…’
      ‘You Tarzan, me Jane…’, she whimpered.
      ‘But, just now, you told me you were Cathy, once I thought you were called Sarah, and now…’
      She was on her knees now. ‘Gore-Dan, GORE-dan’, she murmured. ‘You are a Bull. Gore me, Dan: gore me, Gore-dan!’
      He reassuringly patted her head, or her arm, or some other part of her repulsive person, remembering not to wipe his hand on his tie.
      ‘Don’t worry: if there is a problem to be solved, I will throw money at it until… but there is no ‘until': cynics (and bigots) say ‘…until it’s solved, or until the money runs out?’ The money never runs out, the problem is always solved. Now, tell me about these other men in your life – this Tarzan, and this Eastcliffe -because we will be able to help them too. Does Southcliff receive all his Benefits, I ask; does Tarzan need a Visa, citizenship, decent housing, for him and his friend Chimp…


      • 76
        Lady Penelope says:

        She could stand it no longer.
        In a clear and strong voice she demanded of him..

        “Gore-Dan.Take of my wellies.”

        He followed the order, a little uncertainly.

        “Now,” she soothed, “Gore-Dan. Take off my cable knit seaman’s sweater and take off my overalls.”

        He did as commanded.

        Huskily she purred at him.
        “Gore-Dan..unhook my bra…And Gore-Dan..remove my Bridgette Jones knickers”

        He complied, uncertain of what would follow.

        “Very good. Now Gore-Dan…don’t let me find you wearing them again”


    • 155
      Lord Jensen Interceptor says:

      McRuin doesn’t have a driving licence so why would he own driving gloves?


      • 162
        Gordon McBraun says:

        Its fiction you imbecile.
        I can own gloves if I like!

        If you’re going to pick holes I can tell you won’t like chapter three when I’m reelected with a 600 seat majority!


  14. 36
    Yvonne from The Colliers Arms Clydach says:

    Every time I see that woman I think of her shagging my former Prime Minister and I want to puke up.

    She was supposed to be a Cabinet Minister. She knew the Prime Minister was the top dog and married. Yet she could not keep her hands off him.

    I think she should be stripped of her Parliamentary pension for conduct unbecoming. Can we start up one of those internet petitions to get something done about her?


    • 37
      Chris Bryant says:

      Ohhh! listen dear. I’ve got a fabulous one. Idea I mean, you dirty hussy.

      I’ll put a private member up. ..oh you cheeky slut.its nothing like that at all, more’s the pity. I’ll get Tom Watson, you know big tom? Well, he’s called big Tom because of his belly, not the size of his majority. I’ve seen it and believe me dear, its a very disappointing find for a girl.

      Or,..oh and this IS such a hoot!
      How about I ask for a judge led inquiry into conduct unbecoming?
      Hmm Ohh I just love a good bash with a judge don’t you?


  15. 38
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “And if you want to know what happened next, you’ll have to buy the e-book…”

    N-a-a-h-h-h, I’ll give it a wide berth. One shag is pretty much like any other, in this sort of book; first he comes, and then he goes– isn’t that pretty much what happens? Do I need an e-book to tell me that?


    • 58
      Samuel Taylоr Cоleridge says:

      If you can’t write this sort of book better from your own experiences, then you might as well shoot yourself.

      (They never found out what really happened between me and Mary Evans)


  16. 39
    BBC mincing queen says:

    No no no, yet more honkeys winning medals, this is not acceptable. At least the worlds biggest commie said he enjoyed the opening ceremony, very communist and we even have Zil lanes.


    • 49
      Roscoe Rules says:

      Looting and shooting events start next week.


      • 125
        The populace of the destroyed country formerly known as England says:

        I thought the looting and shooting events were taking place on a regular basis throughout the year in selected boroughs of London and other major cities.


  17. 42
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    You’re all drunk aren’t you, dear?


  18. 46
    Roscoe Rules says:

    ‘John Major’s 50 shades of grey underpants’ By Edwina Curry


  19. 50
    D Blunkett says:

    There was a time I would have. But not now.


  20. 52
    An uninspiring old bag in Edinburgh says:

    How dull.


  21. 56
    Alastair Campbell says:

    I’ve had her.


  22. 57
  23. 60
    Hugh Janus jnr. says:

    …….”panting and cleaning her dentures he always felt like it was similar to f**king a bag of crisps…..”


  24. 61
    SaltPetre says:

    Dirty old slapper.


  25. 62
    Jimmy says:

    The skip felt cold and uninviting as I slipped my todger into the local, crack head slag. There was another couple of tramps laid next to us who had already passed out after a quick suck and fuck. I carried on thrusting mechanically, but had to fake it in the end, my thoughts more on the fact that I was pewking up a cocktail of bucky, deep fried mars bar and kebab.


  26. 64
    Nonjob says:

    Excuse me, I think I’ve just cum.


  27. 68

    Well ok i’ll talk dirty then
    Cop a load of our wimmins hockey team , they could bully me off any day all far better looking than our butch ladies soccer team and they have baps


  28. 71

    I quite liked it.

    And a bit from one of mine “Temple Temptation” no 12 in my Rose series of Kinky quickies, published 2 days ago and already selling. It is set in Oxford.

    “As he continued to fondle my fingers and whisper in my ear, I could feel his breath tickle me as I desperately tried to figure out where, for time was rapidly becoming of the essence. You know, when you simply have to do it there and then. But I couldn’t not here. But equally I doubted that I could walk out of the building to a hotel or even a quiet wall with any dignity.”

    The thing about erotica as I am finding is that it sells well in the States, not so well in the UK. But that might just be me.


  29. 83
    Sir William Waad says:

    People who liked that also liked this:


  30. 91
    Lou Scannon says:

    O/t (but inspired by a ‘seen elsewhere’ earlier today) :


    Have Lady Ashton and David Threlfall ever been seen in the same room at the same time ?


  31. 99
    My Life Already says:

    She’s one of us and just trying to make money.


  32. 105
    Anonymous says:


    Please No


  33. 106
    Anonymous says:

    Oh my god that was awful, just awful.


  34. 110
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    Is it my imagination are all our medal winners terribly white and middle class? Fat Polly will not be impressed.

    Such a difference from the multi cultural shit hole that Danny Boyle painted last week.


    • 114
      Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

      Many of them were of a darker complexion but turned pale at the thought of the upcoming interview with Clare Balding.


    • 115
      M. T. Culty says:

      Wait till you see the track and field team


    • 116
      Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

      I think the others are all in the Wheelchair Olympics, dear.


      • 117
        Samuel Taylоr Cоleridge says:

        Wot iz MOWB?


        • 120
          Conny says:

          Yep. You wanna fess up or keep playing? I don’t mind either way. I’m your biggest fan, whatever.


        • 123
          kfgngjui says:

          Some shouty commenter on The DT site. I think he got banned and eloped to Azerbaijan with Brendan Lacluster. They grew low-grade marijuana there for a while before being expelled and flying on to Mexico where they were spirited through the tunnels and eventually touched base with Igonikon Jack, USA in Baton Rouge who had been typing comments to The Telegraph for eleven days straight.

          His unwashed socks and Y-fronts were standing in the corner.


          • Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

            What a lovely story, dear. My Reg, too, God rest his soul, was in the habit of starching his Y-fronts once a week.


          • Samuel Taylоr Cоleridge says:

            What’s a bunk up?


          • Cabin Boy says:

            Better than a bunk down?


          • jgm2 says:

            Igonikon Jack

            Don’t even joke about it. A pixel-hogging, byte-wasting first-pass at writing a script to data grab and defeat the Turing test.

            It’s probably an anagram of ‘I’m a c*unt’.

            Well, perhaps not, but I’m too lazy to stick it into an anagram solver.


          • Father O'Blivion says:

            Igonnakum Jerk, USA ©E 1896


        • 160
          Lord Jensen Interceptor says:

          Man on Waterloo Bridge. A DT poster.


    • 119
      The BigitedBiased Bullshitting Corpse - never knowingly telling the troof says:

      That case with the effnics and the girls . . . . nothing happened . . . and even if it did, they were just helping the girls find a better life . . . teaching them deportment . . . . social graces . . . . the art of small talk . . .

      Now wasn’t that generous of them?

      We applaud them . . . more than that we CELEBRATE them!

      That is all.

      Get on with your work.

      Pay your Telly Tax!


    • 131
      Jungle Bunny says:

      It will change when the bush runners and spear throwers get their turn.


      • 140
        Honkey Tonk says:

        But our colonial cousins seem to have far faster bush runners and spear chuckers than we do. I think if we changed our baton for a stolen handbag we’d do a lot better.


  35. 126
    Saffron says:

    The biased Beeboid lot,why oh why are they given any oxygen at all?.
    Sucking at the taxpayers teat and their profligate spending is now obscene and now their programmes are becoming unwatchable.
    As for Dannyboy Boil and his left wing multicultural crap,I for one would like to tell him stick up you know were.
    Well done to our people who have won medals,and you need to look at Wiggo for humility if you want an example of what’s right with this country and what’s wrong.


    • 151
      Strange that an athlete's legs should get stronger and stronger as they get older and older says:

      That’s not what the Queen thought when his reply to her message of congratulations was, and I quote…

      Fuck the Queen.

      Really. Humility and the foul-mouthed, arrogant fashion victim do not go hand in hand.

      I notice he’s started doing a Jamie Oliver, believing the hype, and is now demanding that laws about cycling should be ran past him first.


      • 172
        jgm2 says:

        This is also the guy who, on winning the Tour de France, ascended to the podium and made some quip about drawing the raffle tickets.

        The economy is fucked. He’s got massive mutton chops. Bob Crow is threatening to bring the Olympics to a halt unless he gets more money. We’re printing money. The oil pr*ice is through the roof. The entire world is on IMF-watch.

        It’s back to the 70’s.

        Can flares be far behind?


  36. 128
    So Y is U livin in England? says:


    • 143
      jgm2 says:

      You know how it is that (say) Jade Goody or Kerry Katona or some other thick fucker thinks that because they’ve somehow become rich through some weird popularity contest that they’ve also suddenly became clever…

      Diane Abbott is the political equivalent. These fuckers, however they manage to leverage whatever angle they have, into becoming an MP really do think that they’re somehow also become intelligent. Yet there they are, rubbing shoulders with utter fuckwits like John Prescott, and it never dawns on ‘em that they too have somehow got lucky and are still the same thick c*unts they were at primary school.

      It’s kind of endearing in an confident five-year old. It’s also the reason the UK is fucked.

      It’s nice that Diane Abbott has an opinion. It would be nicer still if she had one of her own.


      • 154
        Flabbott is Olympic champion at competitive eating says:

        It would be even nicer if she kept it to herself, along with her hideous face.


      • 168
        albacore says:

        Now then, don’t you know when you’re being enriched
        All your critical faculties must be ditched?
        Even if you deem the whole pantomime risible
        Dissing Dave’s Big Society’s not permissible


        • 174
          jgm2 says:

          On the question of being enriched,
          My views aren’t entirely fixed.
          Having worked with stacks
          Of most excellent bl*cks
          And whites who’re nothing but pr*icks.


  37. 132
    Jimmy's Mum says:

    Has anyone seen our Jimmy?
    He said he would be back in for his bed time at 9pm… I bet he’s run off to that gay bar with Chris Bryant again.


  38. 134
    jgm2 C. Wolfe says:

    Not a drum was heard, nor a funeral note
    As her body did John Major sully
    As he deftly discharged his farewell shot
    O’er the chest of Edwina Currie

    He fucked her darkly at dead of night,
    The sod, with his ‘bayonet’ turning
    Her arse inside out, by the moon’s misty light
    And her thick skull dimly burning.

    And so on and so forth…


  39. 135
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Is this like my Mills & Boon books dear?


  40. 144
    Tony Bliar: "Hanging bankers is WRONG!" says:


    • 149
      jgm2 says:

      I bet you wouldn’t be able to find a single banker who’d say that hanging Tony Blair (or Gordon Brown) was wrong.


  41. 153
    Dial B for Blair says:

    So Kofi Annan throws the towel in as the Mid East Mr Fixit in Syria. Time for Tone to step up to the plate and earn his money as the region’s Envoy of Peace.


  42. 157
    LiquidPaddy says:

    Thanks for all the giggles on this thread, hilarious peeps, nearly threw up me curry…


  43. 158
    Sal Monella says:

    As sure as eggs is eggs, she was right though.


  44. 161
    PC clitoris says:

    What a silly old slapper now know what to buy her for Christmas a new Dildo apparently its hard to tell her fanny and arsehole apart.


  45. 166 says:

    Breaking news: There has been shooting at the Olympics. Luckily we got a gold medal in it. If there had been a tie at the end of the last round there would have been a sudden death shoot-out.

    At the victory ceremony for the rowing eights, Princess Royal kissed the cox of the British crew.

    A limp (hic!) spokesman.


  46. 167
    Creative Minds says:


    • 170
      jgm2 says:

      They all look hideously white. Was no thought given to this picture? Were there no enriching citizens who could have added to increase the inclusivity of this photo op? This would never have happened under Tony Blair.

      What, with last week’s caption competition with Ed Miliband and his hideously white nursery school backdrop (not even a token bl*ack ‘carer’ for fuck’s sake), I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t a deliberate policy to try to steal back votes lost to the B&P.


    • 175
      Yvette Cooper MP says:

      Ed– pssst– Ed honey! Comb your hair– your real hairline is showing! It makes you look even more like Meat Loaf!


      • 177
        jgm2 says:

        Ken Livingson’s mayoral ambitions were fucked up (amongst other things – such as being a lying, tax-avoiding, J**-baiting c*unt) by association with Bob Crow. Unfortunately Comrade Crow seems to have sneaked in dressed in drag.

        Just saying.


    • 192
      Why was he born so beautiful? says:

      Why are they all reading “Creative Minds”? What is Balls up to now with what looks like his Darby and Joan night fan club.


  47. 169
    Frankie Howerd (Deceased) says:

    Edwin Currie reading erotica. Like shagging a prostitute in a multi-storey car park it’s just wrong on so many levels.


  48. 173
    Rabbi Chaim Gunnar Kutsher-Dickov says:

    Oy gevalt, Edwina! A nice Jooish bubbe like you reading such chazzerai! All right already, we get it, you’re not an alter kocker yet, you’re still a bissel hayss! Still, why don’t you make like a nice Jooish girl of a particular age and retire to Boca Raton? You wanna schtupp? There’s plenty of eligible men of the Wayne Rooney variety living there– nu? Another Scouser just like you?– but you’re the one’s expected to have the mazuma, I gotta tell you, emmis! Plus, you can always have a nice tan so it shouldn’t be a total loss!


  49. 179
    Law 4 all says:

    But surely Philip Hiindes deliberately falling off his bike so as to fail and start again is no different from the Chinks throwing their badminton games?


  50. 180
    not a machine says:

    Pissed again ?….. you will be receiving the bill shortly …..shouldnt use things


  51. 183
    Samuel Taylоr Cоleridge says:

    All thoughts, all passions, all delights
    Whatever stirs this mortal frame
    All are but ministers of Love
    And feed His sacred flame.

    Na night, darling xx


  52. 186
    The spheroid-free tit in no. 10 says:

    Gideon isn’t going anywhere. No-one can emasculate me.


  53. 187
    Nosferatu Cable says:

    Damn it! I still think there is something foxy about the minx – a far better shag than a young un?


  54. 188
    Northcliffe drop legal action against spoof Twitter account says:

    Daily Fail back down in stupid legal action.


  55. 193
    Edwina Fugly says:

    Wouldn’t touch her with Charles Manson’s.


  56. 196
    Padre Pederastia says:

    There’s some rotten eggs on here


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