July 5th, 2012

Guidogram Going Out Shortly

The Guidogram round-up of the week is going out shortly.

Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it. This week saw several key twists and turns in the Barclays scandal and important progress for the campaign against taxpayer-funded Pilgrims, while Guido found a new hero from an unlikely source. It’s been a week to remember.

Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop. You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Gary Elsby says:


  2. 2
    Ah! Monika says:

    It seems the last gram only went out yesterday

  3. 3
    Jack O'Nory says:

    When Gordon Brown was 8 years old, he wanted a pet.

    His parents, fearing that his temper tantrums would place any animal in danger, were in a qaundary.

    On his 9th birthday, his parents gave him his present, wrapped in dour presbyterian brown wrapping paper (for colour would be too joyful for the Manse).

    “What is it?” demanded Gordon.

    “Unwrap it and see” said his dad.

    Gordon ripped off the brown paper eagerly.

    “It’s a pet” explained his dad.

    But Gordon wasn’t happy.

    A small, dark thundercloud formed above the young boy’s head.

    Gordon growled. “But it’s a fucking Toilet Duck”


    Nevertheless, over the following years, Gordon grew to love his bottle of Toilet Duck.

    He slept with it on his pillow. It was the first thing he spoke to in the morning, and the last thing at night.

    It was usually the only thing Gordon spoke to all day, as the the other children would shout “Look oot! It’s tha’ creepy kid wit’ tha Toilet Duck!” and run away.

    He fashioned a trolley for it from an ice-cream carton (though it had no wheels, Gordon was not a very practical little boy.)

    Gordon dragged Toilet Duck everywhere he went.

    Toilet Duck became his confidante, and in it’s own, mute, pine-perfumed way, his mentor.

    And, in his many moments of rage, the target of his anger. Sticks, stones, and Irn-Bru cans all came Toilet Duck’s way.

    Toilet Duck bore the assaults with patience and fortitude. In years to come, Toilet Duck’s stoicism would come to inspire Gordon’s Grand Opus, his book “Courage”, for Gordon could not tell the difference between strength of character and having no human feelings.

    It would also come to inspire his love for anything bottled, be it Tesco’s Value Alcohol-Free Asti Spumante, or an Election.

    Toilet Duck’s fidelity to him would also inspire his bitter contempt for anyone, or anything, that would not stand unquestiongly by his side (and within hitting distance).


    One day, while his school colleagues, teachers, parents, and family were hiding from him as usual, Gordon was thinking out loud.

    “I wonder why people avoid me.”

    “What”, he wondered, “if pretend to smile. Or hit them. Would that work? Which is best?”

    Toilet Duck sat in it’s little trolley, mute as ever.

    Gordon looked Toilet Duck sternly in the eye, roughly where, if a bottle had had eyes, it’s eyes would have been (near the end of that funny wiggly spout it had).

    Something stirred in the adolescent Gordon’s loins. Was it lust? Was it love? No, it was the feeling of power.

    For Gordon, it was an epiphany. For Toilet Duck it was, well, nothing, as it was just a green plastic bottle full of toilet cleaner.

    But Gordon had, at that moment, realised that if he could bully and intimidate Toilet Duck, he could bully and intimidate anyone.

    But more of that another day.

    Bye-bye Children!


    Coming soon: “Toilet Duck: The Wilderness Years”

  4. 4
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Nothing better to do, dear?

  5. 5
    Mine d'Boggles says:

    Oh Elsie, light of my life, mistress of the lightning put-down, will you marry Ed Miliband? Please.

  6. 6
    Jack O'Nory says:

    You seem to have some time on your hands, Elsie.

  7. 7
    Theresa says:

    Is it Friday already?

  8. 8
    spellcheque says:


  9. 9
    Chukus Yermoney says:

    Fuck knows, I’ve been in my PJ’s all week learning to play the Sitar.

    I’m bloody ravenous.

  10. 10
    Mail Letter says:

    Every Copper to get a Tazer.
    ” There won’t be a man, woman, child, cat or dog safe in the country”

  11. 11
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Yes, I’ve just this minute finished knitting a lovely cosy for my Harpic bottle, dear.

  12. 12
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:


  13. 13
    illogical says:

    Scruples too.

  14. 14
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    I never really wanted to be Chancellor Of The Exchequer anyway.

  15. 15
    Mr Slater says:

    If that man had abused a Parrot – even a stuffed one – that way, my fury would know no bounds!

  16. 16
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Looking at guido’s twitter argument, it seems that he doesn’t believe in a laffer curve any more.

    Or believes the french Socialists when they assume that its peak is well above 80%.

    Or choses to believe the french socialists for the sake of a crap sound bite.

  17. 17
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    Yes but think of the compensation claims

    “Family of four lose father because eight policepersons (see I am pc) shoot him with tazer simultaneously.”

  18. 18
    Quisling says:

    Rusbridger had something similar in his formative years

  19. 19
    Sarah says:

    English regiments axed to appease Scots Nats.

    Borrowing money to give it away via DFID as we kick our soldiers out.

    How much longer are we going to put up with Cameron & this treasonous Government?

    I detest that miserable excuse for a cabinet more than I detested New Labour.

    Coalition OUT. A Conservative IN.

  20. 20
    Gordon Brown says:

    I have never met Gordon Brown.

  21. 21
    Gideon says:

    I think there is still some left on top of the toilet

  22. 22
    VWS says:

    And to top it all we discover that the French Socilaists are cutting their deficit faster than George Osbourne.

    He really is a cretinous waste of space – absolutely no way he is a Tory – look at his record, not the fake blue rosette and the words.

    When will the 81 real Tory MPs actually do something to stop these Liberal Democratic interlopers who have taken over the party?

    FFS – put down your expense claims forms and do something.

  23. 23
    Danny Boy says:


  24. 24
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    So you believe French socialists and their economic models.

    Now that is bloody funny.

  25. 25
    Charlene says:

    I’ve never been to me.

  26. 26
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    The regiments are being cut as a policy to make us defenseless, by doing that call me dave being the most pro eu tory leader in history will come up with the wheeze to join the eu defense force or army what ever they want to call it. Lets face it he has already tried it with the french aircraft carrier

  27. 27
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’ve never had sexual relations…with that woman

  28. 28
    Quisling says:

    I wish you had never inhaled

  29. 29
    Roscoe Rules says:

    Breaking news:
    ‘Armed Police swoop after man spotted pouring liquid into a smoking bag’
    I reckon he was just trying to get her drunk.

  30. 30
    Enemies in our midst says:

    We have allowed in people who are bent on murdering us. Thank you, New Labour.

    Five men and a woman suspected of terrorism offences have been arrested in London as part of an intelligence-led investigation involving MI5.

    One of the six, who are aged between 18 and 30, was Tasered by police. Eight homes in west, east and north London and one business are being searched.

    It is understood the arrests relate to a possible plot involving Islamist extremists, with potential UK targets. The arrests are not linked to the Olympics or Paralympics, police added.

  31. 31
    Enemies in our midst says:

    Any moment now, a leftie will be along to say “But islam is pe-ce!”

  32. 32
    UKIP.i.am says:

    You are either behind Guido or you are a foot in front. Or words that sound similar.

  33. 33
    UKIP.i.am says:

    I would take French projections of cutting their deficit (which thanks to Brown was much smaller than ours) with a sea of salt.

  34. 34
    M6 Toll Shut die to Terrorist Incident says:

    Doubt it

  35. 35
    Tachybaptus says:

    Coca-Cola Olympics advertisement seen this morning in the Cromwell Road:


  36. 36
    All police are pigs says:

    “for walking on the cracks in the pavement and/or not holding a door open for a homosexual and/or being overheard saying ‘the Koran’s a bit shit, isn’t it?’.”

  37. 37
    French Fossil Fuel Marketing Board says:

    Come home to a real fire

    Buy a second home in France

  38. 38
    Hallande, civil servant extraordinaire, says:

    Mon dieu! Are you Inglish peeg-dogs calling us, les French, les persons superiours, liars? Ah you? Is that what you say?

    Ah will ‘ave you know, you little Inglish bedwetting type, that we.. oh, no, don’t look at me like zat, please. Vous avez non reason to get violent. Non, on behalf of les French ah apologise and surrendeur sans les reservation tout sweet.

    And please, you may ‘ave my daughters. And a nice bottle of wine afterwards.


  39. 39
    The Very Lovely Alan Duncan says:

    I would welcome a judge led inquiry to get to bottom …..(of LIBOR)

  40. 40
    Tin Can 'Dave' says:

    Hi !! I ask again! Why don’t you trust me? – you used to trust Tone! – and I’m trying to be more and more like him – why, – I’ve even got a crap Chancellor!

  41. 41
    Dune watch says:

    not in the dunes you wouldn’t

  42. 42
    George Gideon Oliver Osborne says:

    So sorry, but could manage a further £50 Billion this month to fix Libor.

    Next month I will slash base rate.

  43. 43
    Quisling says:

    BoE announces £50m more QE

  44. 44
    Quisling says:

    lol £50bn silly me

    A Dr Evil moment

  45. 45
    Ken Lyingscum says:

    OK – I’ll do it! – and bring the Bacon of Izlum home! Piss!! Piss!! Piss!

  46. 46
    Camoron = cock-head says:

    After Euroscum Dave disbands the British Army, no doubt the ”EU Defence Force’ (motto: “EU ueber Alles”) will have a large number of German troops based in the UK, for “training purposes”.

  47. 47
    Lefties? says:

    Strangely named website coming soon…


  48. 48
    Angela says:

    Naturally! – and for your own …. how you say? …. protection?

  49. 49
    Fish says:

    Pouring liquid into a container which began to give off fumes. It sounds like someone was making a Pot Noodle.

  50. 50
    Danny Boy says:

    If German EU troops set foot on English soil we will make the Taliban insurgency seem like a picnic.

  51. 51
    John Lydon says:

    I’m on tele tonight with Louise Mensch….Question Time ,no less.

    Gonna be tasty!

  52. 52
    Breaking news says:

    Wikileaks releases more than two million e-mails sent by Syrian political figures

  53. 53
  54. 54
    Anonymous says:

    Will they confirm they are corrupt and oppressive? Go figure…

  55. 55
    Sex Pistol says:

    “god bless the queen! I mean it, man! I love the queen!”

  56. 56
    Anonymous says:

    Will he say ‘Fuck’?

    Isn’t it mandatory, now? How far we have come…

  57. 57
    Sex Pistol says:

    It’s pre-recorded, so any swearing will be edited so as not to offend the blue rinse brigade.

  58. 58
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m on men tonight with Louie Telly.

  59. 59
    Sir William Waad says:

    Guido is so enormous that it’s impossibe to walk beside him.

  60. 60
    Lord Scalded Bollock says:

    I can confirm that neither David Cameron nor George Osborne were passengers on the Megabus on the M.6. this morning.

  61. 61
    Jane Birkin from Paris says:

    This tax was actually introduced by Sarkozy.

    Hollande wants to increase it because it squeezes the balls of people who have no vote.

    If you want to live in France rent property and buy “objects d’art”;

    Such items seem to be outside the scope of taxation so far as French Socialists are concerned

  62. 62
    Anonymous says:

    If they were taking a bomb TO Birmingham, why stop them?

  63. 63
    One for the golfers says:

    Now let’s be serious for a moment….

    No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!

    What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
    Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

    Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: “Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don’t find it in time, I’ll concede the match.”

    You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: “I found it!”.

    The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

    Now here is the ethical dilemma:do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

  64. 64
    Just Curious says:

    Is there any commercial benefit to putting on a Megabus between Fife and London?

  65. 65
    principled stand, me, no fucking way mate, my expenses and wages are too important says:

    81 pretend real Tories, you mean

  66. 66
    Jimmy says:

    “Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it.”

    No doubt. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever missed it.

  67. 67
    L.Fox - bumboy says:

    Israel First(er)!

  68. 68
    Malcolm McLaren (Deceased) says:

    Little prick.

  69. 69
    Paracetamol says:

    Chap walks into a chemist and says ‘what do you have for headaches’? Lady responds ‘Nothing works faster than Anadin’

    Chap says thanks for that I’ll not bother then.

  70. 70
    The Bollocks Broadcasting Corpse says:

    We wish to make it plain to the plebs that NO bombs, bomb making material, explosives, fuses, poussons, owned or used by our brothers in diversity exist in this country.

    It is only the wicked armed police etc and army etc that have such things.

    That is all.

    Pay your telly tax!!!!!

  71. 71
    Dave says:

    What amazing coincidence that the boys in blue uncover a media-splash Muzzie Terror plot just as the little people finally wise up to their country being owned and run by a traitorous criminal elite centred on the City of London! Fucking fortunate though!

  72. 72
    The Filth Inc.(regd. in The Caymans) says:

    Usual payment terms, right?

  73. 73
    Anything you can do we can do better says:


  74. 74
    Yellow Metal says:

    Bank of Europe cuts interest rates by Massive 25%

    From 1% to 0.75%

    They are in Deep Shity poos

  75. 75
    rick says:

    Dream on Danny.
    Over the last few years his country has undergone the biggest invasion in it’s history – parts of the country no longer need to even speak English. Where was the English ‘Taliban’ then? Wetting themselves for fear of being called racist, I suspect.

  76. 76
    OTT says:

    Police make total over reaction when man pours a cup of coffee from his thermos flask

  77. 77
    Londom Muslim says:

    Notice there is never anything much about Israel in Wikileaks releases?

  78. 78
    A Yorkshireman says:

    Luxury! All i ‘ad when I were a child were a block of wood wi’ a nail in it, an’ I counted mesel’ lucky. ‘Appen other kids in’t street got nobbut a clout round t’head for their birthdays!

  79. 79
    Sir William Waad says:

    The French have a big advantage, having a civil service that is lazy but competent, whereas ours is energetic but incompetent.

  80. 80
    Handycock (Teen Fondler) says:

    The House of Commons is full of Benders, not real men like me. Boaz.

  81. 81
    are you shitting me says:

    ,stoke some fear to the sheeple , just in time for the Olympics. very timely, goin to put thermos flask on the terror list.

  82. 82
    Brown Out says:


  83. 83
  84. 84
    taC eht abbaJ says:

  85. 85
    Gary Elsby says:

    I can even be second first by replying to myself.
    Now THAT’S what I call the power of being first.
    First is first and second is last.

  86. 86
    Ivor Tapeworm says:

    Does one point out the above poster lifted the entire text (unnattributed) from another website, or does one keep one’s mouth shut?

  87. 87
    Gary Elsby says:

    I’ve always believed that most of the videos put up by insane contributors are extreme value to the on going debates held in here.

    My favourites are:
    1. Hitler shouting ‘Nein’ for five minutes
    2. The donkey Hew Hawing for five minutes.

Seen Elsewhere

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Ministry of Justice Loses Death Inquiry Data “In the Post” | TechnoGuido
Europe’s Crisis is Cameron’s Opportunity | Speccie
Sajid Javid is the Ultimate Thatcherite | Buzzfeed
Ed Argar Selected in Dorrell Seat | Leicester Mercury
88% of New Labour MPs Are Union Bods | Mark Wallace
Massively Popular Porn Site is Infecting Users | Techno Guido
Newspapers No Longer Willing to Toe Party Line | Roy Greenslade
Introducing the New CapX | CapX
Burnham’s Newsnight Debacle Dissected | Dan Hodges
How I Survived Dry January | Nigel Farage

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