Friday Caption Contest (Slap Edition)
The wittiest caption wins a Jubilee bunch from Arena Flowers…
How Mervyn King Lost Bank Battle War | WSJ
BBC Corporation Tax Horror Story | IEA
Sally Bercow Judgement in Full | Mr Justice Tugendhat
Commies Blame Capitalism For Terror Attack | The Commentator
Lord Black v Press Regulation | Guardian
Osborne’s Complacency | FT
DWP’s Welfare Failings | Isabel Hardman
Get Used to Coalitions | David Aaronovitch
Woolwich a Showcase in the Banality of Evil | Fraser Nelson
The Enemy Within | Max Hastings
Muslim Led Military-Style Free School Needed | Toby Young
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Ed Balls stretches credulity by claiming he isn’t ambitious…
“I would love to be part of Ed’s Labour government but what I do next for me is not an all-consuming passion. I’m more bothered, in a personal sense, about getting to grade 8 piano by the time I’m 50.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
“Do as i say or get a slap “
I fart in your general direction.
Pour moi, je prefere L’ecosse.
Zut alors! Salmond goes much better with ze Hollandaise.
Dave to Hollandaise:
“One thing I like about you Frenchies…. I can look down on you”
I fart in your general election
I fart in your general direction
“Karate ………. CHOP!!! “
You cannot be Syria’s!
Dave – “Give me Five”
Frank – “I’ll give you five, but I’ll need ten back.”
‘Now his Presidential box has been confiscated Sarkozy’s photo ops get ever more desperate….’
“Its just for the camreas, I will sign the cheaque later”
…..and when Carla bent over I gave her lovely arse
a good slap.
I see…So if you only put one hand up to the Germans, its a Vichy, rather than total surrender?
Nice one!!
Holland: “No, Daveed, historically it is the right hand for the EU gesture. Have you nevaire watch ‘World at War’?
It is very important not to get left and right mixed up in publlic. Strange how all of you British who did PPE have such a problem confusing right with left.”
Dave:
“Oi Frank, wos this I ‘erd abaht a Tobin Tax?”
he learned his english in Bolton?
“Dont worry, i will u-turn on the slap later”
If I wasn’t a socialist, I’d bend you over my knee and use this hand to spank your garlic arse.
If the voters ever find out what I’ve agreed with you Francois, they will never stop slapping me.
Cameron – ‘How many fingers am I holding up?’
Hollande – ‘Apres new taxes on those who didn’t vote for me, including ze six times matched Euro golden pension for those who did, and work for me, plus perks and a little beet extra for ze pot and a kick back to the BBC, why not let’s call it a round two trillion?’
Works great as hair gel, just ask Miss Diaz.
Has he got compromising piccys of you Francoise?
He’s got em on all of us … so be careful.
Cameltoe: “Think I won’t thumb my nose at Angie? Watch me!”
“Talk to the hand, cos the face is too busy U-turning”
+1
Everyone else who has met you said you were brain dead, but I can feel you breathing through your mouth from here!
Hollande: “Ah, oui, perhaps just a touch too much garlic in the chocolate.”
As Hollande discussed the crisis the only message Dave’s brain was sending was “Slaphead! Slaphead!Slaphead!”
“Usually it is us French who put our hands up first is it not?”
“Now if i can just remeber how to do the vulcan mind thingy”
Hey Franky, I’ve heard you’re a slaphead. Let me have a go
“I’d love to shag the arse off your missus”
If it had been the previous one, he would have done.
Funny we’re both wearing blue ties, yet neither of is remotely Tory.
François is more so.
So I had milliband by the throat and gave him one mother of a slap
Dave :- “I’m coming from the Left as well.”
This is my political lifeline. It runs out in 2015.
“As I was saying David, you can clearly see the number of u-turns you will do each week if you count the lines under your little finger”
Raté, connard.
“you missed you arsehole”
“May is Happy Masturbation Month! Need a hand?”
Anyway david this is the site of our glorious french armed forces
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/french.html
“So Sarkozy took the box with him?”
that was supposed to go at the end.
Still very good though!
Cameron: “Look, I’ve been practicing the Robot Dance for EURO 2012!”
No. I said Carla was a slapper, like ‘to slap’
We’ve got the Queen….and you?
“Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening!”
But it is nut my dug
Yes of course I’ll give you whatever bailout you need, agree to tax on baking transactions, an increase in monies to french agriculture and wave UK interests in the interests of France and the wider EU.
That should do it – God, help me – I’m an addict, I need another U-Turn FIX!
As the firsts among equals meet, Cameron exudes how it is so nice to be able to look his colleague in the eye as opposed to the top of his head.
Oui Monsieur le Premier Ministre. I kneaux zees one. The un deux trois cat sank.
Euthanising cats by drowning is a nasty french habit.
A doddle as compared with hydrocyanic acid, I can tell you…
Absolutely, and soon to be stopped.
Hallal is the way to go for Europe.
call that a fireplace? It’s a fucking disgrace
‘It’s nothing personal, you see. Just following EU directives’
Yes, I call it my ‘Jeremy Beadle’ hand……
Your wife isn’t as pretty as the last chap’s
…and if she argues, Angie is holding out for a bit of rough.
Suggested caption:
Cameron: Don’t worry about the euro, I have something up my sleeve.
Hollande: What is it?
Cameron: My arm.
I said to the doctor “it hurts when i do this!” and he said “well don’t do that”.
Dave and Francoise together
“Can you smell cheese?”
Just think on….if you hadn’t guillotined your Queen…..
Sorry, wife-swapping was only on offer to your predecessor.
Photo shoot for the ‘before men’ at the ‘chin plastic surgery clinic.’
You had a fag! Well, I’m a Dutchman.
….and this is the hand I use to operate Nick Clegg…
So, brand new and never used hand, then?
cameron to hollande – “i prefer the left as well”
David Cameron “Oh I’m so sorry,so hard to piss using my right hand.I must have sprayed your shoes”
Yes, really, it was this hand I used to feel Carla’s tits!
Cuts…simple…just like this.
Merde! Les hommes ne baisent plus les mains des hommes.
Au contraire!
Excusez-moi, monsieur. Je dois faire un demi-tour.
all socialists are whores.
And all lawyers are prostitutes – who whore themselves out for money. Justice? – sorry we don’t do that one any more it’s so non-profit making.
Been practising Tony’s hand gestures, but I still haven’t got the stigmata.
Dave – boy … don’t forget the old ruse I used about having a heart condition / heart murmer – that was such a ‘sympathy gainer’ … but use it only when it gets really really hot.
‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a beginner at it. So please continue!!’
Not now Cato!!!!
Cast-Iron Dave: “Counting them up, there’s Greece, Portugal, Ireland, Spain and Italy…hang on I’ve run out of fingers…”
Hollande: “Ah, but if you just take your other hand off your wallet we can continue, yes?”
I see you have taken advantage of our free glasses on the NHS offer for foreigners. Help yourself to a spare pair on your way out.
…and you just slap the butter on your forehead like this and, et voila, buttered new potato forehead!
Et enfin, le coup de main.
Cameron: “So then Mr Paphitis, how about 75bn for a 45% share in UK PLC and I’ll throw in Jeremy Hunt for free?”
Sarkozy used to stand on a box so I could stroke him.
Let’s have a summit.
We’ll stop referring to French Letters, if you stop using La Manche.
No it doesn’t hurt that much if you use vaseline
Don’t forget to send the blanc cheque, English pig.
DC: “You know how we’ve done all those U-turns lately? Well, THIS is the proverbial ‘other hand’ we’ve been referring to– “On the other hand, a change of policy may be called for at this time…’.”
I’m sorry,I can’t understand you’re accent. Are you saying ‘allo ‘allo or A grow a Grow
That left arm! – Mon Dieu, its Nick Clegg working you from behind!
Me next
Ooops. Sorry. Thought you were Toenails for a moment…
You row, I’ll wave
as in euro I’ll wave goodbye
Oh yeah , that’s from Merkel
I slap
you slap
he slaps
she slaps
it slaps
we slap
they slap
Now is the verb to slap “claque, gifle or tape” I went to Eton you know.
Will you join my staff please, François?
All the rest of them have gone
I did not realise your staff was broken – I can recommend a good french doctor.
We’d probably have to vote 5 times, but, if you ask, I am sure we’ll eventually get a yes to a referendum on having you crowned Emperor instead of Rumpy.
Oooh!, I was so annoyed I slapped the bitch.
” I did clap when you were elected, but only with this hand”
“Monsieur,when it comes to U-Turns,I am untouchable!”
Need a quick Euro loan? Wonga are up for it.
The watch goes on this hand, hands facing you, then you can countdown to Eurogeddon.
If this was mrsthatcher standing here listening to you talking french twaddle on how to spend the eu out of debt this is how she would swing her handbag.
The English call me gauche, but one day I’ll show them the right.
If you don’t capitulate i’ll stuff you up this Chimney
Klop!
At least Merkel wears a glove …
Hollande ” I’ve heard they call you a Count, is it true?”
“Smell the cheese”
“In England, if you support Gay Marriage, you don’t wear a wedding ring”
‘Holland, you say?’
“No, France. Hollande is my name”
‘They told me your name was Francois.’
“It is.”
‘Sorry, you’ve stumped me there. Dashed cunning, you Frogs’
(thinks) “Cretin”
Take Zat!
Je suis un Rock Star.
Entente Cordial my arse. You won’t know whats hit you by the time I’m finished with you.
Speak to the hand, froggie!
So I said to Jeremy ” next time …….”
Hollande, France, France, Holland, what’s the difference?
It eez the difference between a Dutch cap and a French letter – either way you are fucked.
My best mate Tony has been trying to get my hand gestures sorted, but I can only do this one at the moment.
At least they won’t use this photo as a Friday Caption Contest.
That is the clean one!
The other is for uses animalistic various.
Mon dieu! I’ve just shaken hands with a socialist and I’ve still got all my fingers!
It’s smoke n’ mirrors, trust me, they’ve gone!
Nah, it woz Guns ‘n Roses
Merkel said, pass it on.
If you hit me baby one more time, I’m retreating behind the Maginot Line.
Will that do any good if the strike is ‘ard den?
Give me five Frankie Frog.
We call this the “Royal” wave.
Yes, Nick, you can go to the toilet if you need to…
Two infidel animals playing politics.
Gerrrtcha! Next time Frenchy, you’ll be be getting the hairy side.
I was much better when I practiced earlier, but then I lost my Cleggy glove puppet?
2 be, or not 2 be.
Hollande: I do not understand – explain please this ‘Naked Sooty does Hamlet’.
Crecy 1346,Agincourt 1415,Waterloo 1815,England 3-France 0.
**like**
Hollande: “Maastricht 1992, Lisbon 2007 – we may have had trouble with ze English but we thenk you Tories are great.”
4-0
Don’t forget the Glorious 1st of June. 5-0 I think.
I know you frogs are cowardly, so you can borrow my hand to spank old Angela.
Euro-dismay.
Sleeping Beauty explaining and practicing french dwarf tossing.
Oh, the smell of warm pasty on a palm in the morning, you British, La cuisine est magnifique!
Now I usually black up and get down on one knee for mammy
I’m no alien, look, a hand just like yours.
Before NuLiebor came along and f****d us with all that PC nonsense, we’d have called you a midget.
I say, old chap, would you mind awfully running face-first into this? Thank you.
“Did you know you had a face just like a slapped pasty?”
‘Have Angela’s tanks damaged your lawn?’
“Don’t worry Holland, old chap, I’ve been fooling ‘em for years.”
Hollande …. did someone mention pies?
Fancy burning an EU flag this weekend Francoise?
Hollande: “But of course Daveed”
*thinks* – and while the other 26 of us sing the EU anthem, while watching you burn the EU flag I’ll video it for YouTube, and claim we were all offended and harrassed, as rude Daveed outnumbered us
Dave, “The Deputy PM is taking a nap, so I’ve been able to pull this out of his arse.”
Yes, this is indeed the famous hand does not know what the other one is doing.
What I’m going to show you next is the ” Bullingdon Dry Slap “.
It doesn’t do as much damage if you keep your glasses on and let them take the full force.
I’d slap you, if I were man enough.
At least I don’t have to bend down to slap the new one
No really I have only made 5 u-turns….
“Please can YOU TURN and support austerity, the gentleman’s FOR TURNING”.
I’m afraid paper wins, François, even if we have to print more of it..
Dave:
Ziss is zee ‘and I use to smack zee botumes of zee gairls vrom zee Folies Bergeres !!!
Frankie Ollande, the new president of France:
” Ere mate, I fort awl you nanas from Hee’on was gayboys?
Do you see that red dot on your lapel?
That’s a laser-sight. Do exactly as I say or when I drop my hand the guy pulls the trigger.
…and that’s how you do jazz hands.
Has a chancellor ever joined the french foreign legion?
Seriously, you deleted the Alizee comment?
“So to slap your predecessor, I only had to raise my hand *this* high”
“Seriously, the entire Greek economy could fit right here”
We need a new acronym. FUK PIIGS.
And once Nick has his fist up my @rse – he does this
Dave :
Its amazing isn’t it? And first time too!
Normally the Irish need this many referendums to vote the correct way.
C’est le coup de barre ici.
Look at this hand; it’s flat!
Just like the ‘flat earth lie’ all of us polopticians have bought into on AGW.
Call it Climate change re-brand it a hundred times; it’s still a lie. And we’ve all been rumbled.
“Damn you Nat, it wasn’t me that called you a puppet master…..Now will you pleeease let my hand down”
I caught Sakosy round the chops, jus’ like that! LOL
Palm reader: ‘I see a very short political life for you Mr Cameron. Like Sarkozy, a one-term leader.’
Well that’s where the junior boys common room is, mon ami – cracking victuals I must say. You Eton, old chap?
I lean to the left as well
Cameron: “We have a French company that’s been very successful in the UK – their slogan is FCUK”
Hollande: “We too have un slogan like that, Mr Cameron – FCUK UK”
Cameron: “Gimme four”
” Now listen here, mon ami, I shall say this only once”!
Cameron: “We implemented cuts of four per cent. Four per cent Mr Hollande. Now the economy is recovering.”
Hollande: “No, Meester Cameron, it cinq”.
Despite what you’ve heard, I certainly can chew gum and do U-turns at the same time.
We still have the Longbow and I still have all my fingers>
He never shook hands with Blair then.
IInd attempt.
You may have more aircraft carriers but we still have the Longbow and I have all my fingers.
Can you read hands?
They say I have only one term.
….and if you don’t like austerity, France is 600 miles that way….
Allo! Yoo-hoo! Ay am down ere.
Lizzen do me carefullie- I vill zay theez onlee wannz.
There you go- I learned French at Eton you know.
See…. I named all my fingers…
Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Waterloo and Salamanca…..
Get the message?
Surely the last should be Oran.
” Trust me Francois ! The slap-on-the-bum technique worked on Carla, it’ll deffo work on Angela ! “
Is it true it was the Muslim voters what won it for you?
Who ordered the Coke?
yes, apparently the Chancellor likes it like this, and when he’s had enough he says “Louise”
DC: Flip flop? moi!
FH: You are always flip-flopping, look at the budget.
DC: Ah, Francois, with time in government you learn, to revise decisions, to take account of changing times, to listen to the feedback, TO Never, Ever, Paint yourself into a corner by making rash and impractical statements like changing the bail-out terms that Angela has made. Tiens mon ami?
You see this sweaty little hand? That’s your country, that is
Speak a la main Frog Git!
French Left wing eh? Have they dropped Ribéry?
No, you are not a tosser.
You are socialist, like me.
Grecian formula 2012 discussion. Serious stuff.
No birdsh*t on us.
So you went from mayor to president eh? Don’t believe that could ever happen in the UK, now that Ken Livingstone has retired from politics.
So you’ve given up on the Royale bit and moved on to a Threewieler.
Same with us. We try to avoid the aristocracy link but love old bikes.
Put it there!
The Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise of European politics.
Put some curry powder on the hand to give that slap a bit of a sting.
Because of austerity and cuts, Sooty is in the nude.
Ooooh I could give you such a slap right now you bitch!