June 1st, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Slap Edition)


  1. 1
    Freak watch says:

    “Do as i say or get a slap “

  2. 2

    Dave – “Give me Five”
    Frank – “I’ll give you five, but I’ll need ten back.”

  3. 3
    Freak watch says:

    “Its just for the camreas, I will sign the cheaque later”

  4. 4

    I see…So if you only put one hand up to the Germans, its a Vichy, rather than total surrender?

  5. 5
    Raving Loon says:


    “Oi Frank, wos this I ‘erd abaht a Tobin Tax?”

  6. 6
    Freak watch says:

    “Dont worry, i will u-turn on the slap later”

  7. 7
    James says:

    If I wasn’t a socialist, I’d bend you over my knee and use this hand to spank your garlic arse.

  8. 8

    If the voters ever find out what I’ve agreed with you Francois, they will never stop slapping me.

  9. 9
    Anonymous says:

    I fart in your general direction.

  10. 10
    Terrible But True says:

    Cameron – ‘How many fingers am I holding up?’
    Hollande – ‘Apres new taxes on those who didn’t vote for me, including ze six times matched Euro golden pension for those who did, and work for me, plus perks and a little beet extra for ze pot and a kick back to the BBC, why not let’s call it a round two trillion?’

  11. 11
    Tuscan Tony says:

    Works great as hair gel, just ask Miss Diaz.

  12. 12
    Some Geezer wot wishes Dave would do it, too says:

    Cameltoe: “Think I won’t thumb my nose at Angie? Watch me!”

  13. 13
    Andrew Efiong says:

    “Talk to the hand, cos the face is too busy U-turning”

  14. 14
    Tankboy says:

    I fart in your general direction

  15. 15

    Everyone else who has met you said you were brain dead, but I can feel you breathing through your mouth from here!

  16. 16

    As Hollande discussed the crisis the only message Dave’s brain was sending was “Slaphead! Slaphead!Slaphead!”

  17. 17
    Mike Litorus says:

    “Usually it is us French who put our hands up first is it not?”

  18. 18
    Freak watch says:

    “Now if i can just remeber how to do the vulcan mind thingy”

  19. 19
    Frank Dutch says:

    Hey Franky, I’ve heard you’re a slaphead. Let me have a go

  20. 20
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    “I’d love to shag the arse off your missus”

  21. 21

    Funny we’re both wearing blue ties, yet neither of is remotely Tory.

  22. 22
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    So I had milliband by the throat and gave him one mother of a slap

  23. 23
  24. 24
    Ah! Monika says:

    Dave :- “I’m coming from the Left as well.”

  25. 25

    This is my political lifeline. It runs out in 2015.

  26. 26
    Ash Ken the Question says:

    “As I was saying David, you can clearly see the number of u-turns you will do each week if you count the lines under your little finger”

  27. 27
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Raté, connard.

    “you missed you arsehole”

  28. 28
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    he learned his english in Bolton?

  29. 29
    welshwiz says:

    “May is Happy Masturbation Month! Need a hand?”

  30. 30
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    Anyway david this is the site of our glorious french armed forces


  31. 31
    Biscuit Daddy says:

    Cameron: “Look, I’ve been practicing the Robot Dance for EURO 2012!”

  32. 32
    Steve Miliband says:

    No. I said Carla was a slapper, like ‘to slap’

  33. 33
    Ah! Monika says:

    We’ve got the Queen….and you?

  34. 34
    welshwiz says:

    “Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening!”

  35. 35
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    “So Sarkozy took the box with him?”

  36. 36
    Steve Miliband says:

    But it is nut my dug

  37. 37
    CamerKazi says:

    Yes of course I’ll give you whatever bailout you need, agree to tax on baking transactions, an increase in monies to french agriculture and wave UK interests in the interests of France and the wider EU.

    That should do it – God, help me – I’m an addict, I need another U-Turn FIX!

  38. 38
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    that was supposed to go at the end.

  39. 39
    Tooth fairy says:

    As the firsts among equals meet, Cameron exudes how it is so nice to be able to look his colleague in the eye as opposed to the top of his head.

  40. 40

    Oui Monsieur le Premier Ministre. I kneaux zees one. The un deux trois cat sank.

  41. 41
    Steve Miliband says:

    call that a fireplace? It’s a fucking disgrace

  42. 42
    Mcd says:

    ‘It’s nothing personal, you see. Just following EU directives’

  43. 43
    SimmoTheGypo says:

    Yes, I call it my ‘Jeremy Beadle’ hand……

  44. 44
    Selohesra says:

    Your wife isn’t as pretty as the last chap’s

  45. 45

    …and if she argues, Angie is holding out for a bit of rough.

  46. 46
    Freak watch says:

    “Karate ………. CHOP!!! “

  47. 47
    Stuart says:

    Suggested caption:

    Cameron: Don’t worry about the euro, I have something up my sleeve.
    Hollande: What is it?
    Cameron: My arm.

  48. 48

    Dave and Francoise together

    “Can you smell cheese?”

  49. 49
    Ah! Monika says:

    Just think on….if you hadn’t guillotined your Queen…..

  50. 50

    Still very good though!

  51. 51

    If it had been the previous one, he would have done.

  52. 52
    Charlie says says:

    Sorry, wife-swapping was only on offer to your predecessor.

  53. 53

    Photo shoot for the ‘before men’ at the ‘chin plastic surgery clinic.’

  54. 54
    Anonymous says:

    You had a fag! Well, I’m a Dutchman.

  55. 55
    Chris C says:

    ….and this is the hand I use to operate Nick Clegg…

  56. 56
    jonathan says:

    cameron to hollande – “i prefer the left as well”

  57. 57
    Martin Day says:

    David Cameron “Oh I’m so sorry,so hard to piss using my right hand.I must have sprayed your shoes”

  58. 58
    CamerKazi says:

    Yes, really, it was this hand I used to feel Carla’s tits!

  59. 59
    pas faisait un signe de la main mais noyait says:

    ‘Now his Presidential box has been confiscated Sarkozy’s photo ops get ever more desperate….’

  60. 60
    Ah! Monika says:

    Cuts…simple…just like this.

  61. 61
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    I said to the doctor “it hurts when i do this!” and he said “well don’t do that”.

  62. 62

    Merde! Les hommes ne baisent plus les mains des hommes.

  63. 63
    Owen Jones says:

    all socialists are whores.

  64. 64

    Been practising Tony’s hand gestures, but I still haven’t got the stigmata.

  65. 65
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a beginner at it. So please continue!!’

  66. 66
    Steve Miliband says:

    Not now Cato!!!!

  67. 67
    Baldy says:

    Cast-Iron Dave: “Counting them up, there’s Greece, Portugal, Ireland, Spain and Italy…hang on I’ve run out of fingers…”

    Hollande: “Ah, but if you just take your other hand off your wallet we can continue, yes?”

  68. 68
    RSPCA says:

    Euthanising cats by drowning is a nasty french habit.

  69. 69
    Red Dave says:

    I see you have taken advantage of our free glasses on the NHS offer for foreigners. Help yourself to a spare pair on your way out.

  70. 70
    Chris M says:

    …and you just slap the butter on your forehead like this and, et voila, buttered new potato forehead!

  71. 71
    fruitcake says:


  72. 72
    idlejill says:

    Et enfin, le coup de main.

  73. 73
    Stepney says:

    Cameron: “So then Mr Paphitis, how about 75bn for a 45% share in UK PLC and I’ll throw in Jeremy Hunt for free?”

  74. 74
    Larry the Cat says:

    Sarkozy used to stand on a box so I could stroke him.

  75. 75
    Ah! Monika says:

    Let’s have a summit.
    We’ll stop referring to French Letters, if you stop using La Manche.

  76. 76
    Anonymous says:

    No it doesn’t hurt that much if you use vaseline

  77. 77

    A doddle as compared with hydrocyanic acid, I can tell you…

  78. 78
    Martin Borman. says:

    Don’t forget to send the blanc cheque, English pig.

  79. 79
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    DC: “You know how we’ve done all those U-turns lately? Well, THIS is the proverbial ‘other hand’ we’ve been referring to– “On the other hand, a change of policy may be called for at this time…’.”

  80. 80

    I’m sorry,I can’t understand you’re accent. Are you saying ‘allo ‘allo or A grow a Grow

  81. 81
    Hollande says:

    That left arm! – Mon Dieu, its Nick Clegg working you from behind!

  82. 82

    Ooops. Sorry. Thought you were Toenails for a moment…

  83. 83
    Mark Oatsman says:

    Me next

  84. 84
    Tooth fairy says:

    You row, I’ll wave

  85. 85
    Tooth fairy says:

    as in euro I’ll wave goodbye

  86. 86

    François is more so.

  87. 87
    Baldy says:

    Holland: “No, Daveed, historically it is the right hand for the EU gesture. Have you nevaire watch ‘World at War’?

    It is very important not to get left and right mixed up in publlic. Strange how all of you British who did PPE have such a problem confusing right with left.”

  88. 88
    M says:

    Oh yeah , that’s from Merkel

  89. 89
    Ah! Monika says:

    I slap
    you slap
    he slaps
    she slaps
    it slaps
    we slap
    they slap
    Now is the verb to slap “claque, gifle or tape” I went to Eton you know.

  90. 90
    Mark Oatsman says:

    Au contraire!

  91. 91
    Dave ze Rave says:

    Will you join my staff please, François?

    All the rest of them have gone

  92. 92
    Cast Iron Cameron says:

    We’d probably have to vote 5 times, but, if you ask, I am sure we’ll eventually get a yes to a referendum on having you crowned Emperor instead of Rumpy.

  93. 93
    Well it's a thought says:

    Oooh!, I was so annoyed I slapped the bitch.

  94. 94
    Ah! Monika says:

    ” I did clap when you were elected, but only with this hand”

  95. 95
    Henry Crun says:

    “Monsieur,when it comes to U-Turns,I am untouchable!”

  96. 96
    Camoron says:

    Need a quick Euro loan? Wonga are up for it.

  97. 97
    Dugald MacMillan says:

    The watch goes on this hand, hands facing you, then you can countdown to Eurogeddon.

  98. 98
    nellnewman says:

    If this was mrsthatcher standing here listening to you talking french twaddle on how to spend the eu out of debt this is how she would swing her handbag.

  99. 99
    Ah! Monika says:

    The English call me gauche, but one day I’ll show them the right.

  100. 100
    Hollande says:

    I did not realise your staff was broken – I can recommend a good french doctor.

  101. 101
    Anonymous says:

    If you don’t capitulate i’ll stuff you up this Chimney

  102. 102
    Trinny says:


  103. 103
    bald old git says:

    At least Merkel wears a glove …

  104. 104
    Ah! Monika says:

    Hollande ” I’ve heard they call you a Count, is it true?”

  105. 105
    Anonymous says:

    “Smell the cheese”

  106. 106
    Ah! Monika says:

    “In England, if you support Gay Marriage, you don’t wear a wedding ring”

  107. 107
    Idle says:

    ‘Holland, you say?’

    “No, France. Hollande is my name”

    ‘They told me your name was Francois.’

    “It is.”

    ‘Sorry, you’ve stumped me there. Dashed cunning, you Frogs’

    (thinks) “Cretin”

  108. 108
    Not Another Irritating Boy Band says:

    Take Zat!

  109. 109
    Ed Chap says:

    Entente Cordial my arse. You won’t know whats hit you by the time I’m finished with you.

  110. 110
    Lizzie says:

    Speak to the hand, froggie!

  111. 111
    Ah! Monika says:

    So I said to Jeremy ” next time …….”

  112. 112
    Lizzie says:

    Hollande, France, France, Holland, what’s the difference?

  113. 113
    CamerKazi says:

    My best mate Tony has been trying to get my hand gestures sorted, but I can only do this one at the moment.

  114. 114
    Mustafa Yercash Al Capone says:

    Absolutely, and soon to be stopped.

    Hallal is the way to go for Europe.

  115. 115
    Ah! Monika says:

    At least they won’t use this photo as a Friday Caption Contest.

  116. 116
    Mehdi Hasan says:

    That is the clean one!

    The other is for uses animalistic various.

  117. 117

    Mon dieu! I’ve just shaken hands with a socialist and I’ve still got all my fingers!

  118. 118
    Merkel 8 Series says:

    Merkel said, pass it on.

  119. 119

    It eez the difference between a Dutch cap and a French letter – either way you are fucked.

  120. 120
    Britney Hollande says:

    If you hit me baby one more time, I’m retreating behind the Maginot Line.

  121. 121
    Impartial Observer says:

    It’s smoke n’ mirrors, trust me, they’ve gone!

  122. 122
    Spangles says:

    Give me five Frankie Frog.

  123. 123
    fewer not less says:

    We call this the “Royal” wave.

  124. 124
    TheConstantGardener says:

    Yes, Nick, you can go to the toilet if you need to…

  125. 125
    Medieval Mehdi says:

    Two infidel animals playing politics.

  126. 126

    Gerrrtcha! Next time Frenchy, you’ll be be getting the hairy side.

  127. 127
    Harry Corbett says:

    I was much better when I practiced earlier, but then I lost my Cleggy glove puppet?

  128. 128

    2 be, or not 2 be.

  129. 129
    william says:

    Crecy 1346,Agincourt 1415,Waterloo 1815,England 3-France 0.

  130. 130
    Twatson is a fat git says:

    I know you frogs are cowardly, so you can borrow my hand to spank old Angela.

  131. 131
    Twatson is a fat git says:


  132. 132
    pooh says:

    Sleeping Beauty explaining and practicing french dwarf tossing.

  133. 133
    Baldy says:

    Will that do any good if the strike is ‘ard den?

  134. 134
    'ollande Kilgore says:

    Oh, the smell of warm pasty on a palm in the morning, you British, La cuisine est magnifique!

  135. 135
    Camercon says:

    Now I usually black up and get down on one knee for mammy

  136. 136
    Something about Mandleson says:

    Has he got compromising piccys of you Francoise?
    He’s got em on all of us … so be careful.

  137. 137
    Ah! Monika says:

    I’m no alien, look, a hand just like yours.

  138. 138
    Dave says:

    Before NuLiebor came along and f****d us with all that PC nonsense, we’d have called you a midget.

  139. 139
    Baldy says:

    Hollande: “Maastricht 1992, Lisbon 2007 – we may have had trouble with ze English but we thenk you Tories are great.”

  140. 140
    Lord Effingham says:

    I say, old chap, would you mind awfully running face-first into this? Thank you.

  141. 141
    Law Lord says:

    And all lawyers are prostitutes – who whore themselves out for money. Justice? – sorry we don’t do that one any more it’s so non-profit making.

  142. 142
    Maximus says:

    “Did you know you had a face just like a slapped pasty?”

  143. 143
    Bliar book of ruses says:

    Dave – boy … don’t forget the old ruse I used about having a heart condition / heart murmer – that was such a ‘sympathy gainer’ … but use it only when it gets really really hot.

  144. 144
    Cressida's Dick says:

    ‘Have Angela’s tanks damaged your lawn?’

  145. 145
    The Golem says:

    “Don’t worry Holland, old chap, I’ve been fooling ‘em for years.”

  146. 146
    BlowingWhistles says:

    Fancy burning an EU flag this weekend Francoise?

  147. 147
    Baldy says:

    Hollande: I do not understand – explain please this ‘Naked Sooty does Hamlet’.

  148. 148
    Gene Hunt says:

    Dave, “The Deputy PM is taking a nap, so I’ve been able to pull this out of his arse.”

  149. 149

    Excusez-moi, monsieur. Je dois faire un demi-tour.

  150. 150
    Hiram Q Dingbat says:

    Yes, this is indeed the famous hand does not know what the other one is doing.

  151. 151
    Baldy says:

    Hollande: “But of course Daveed”

    *thinks* – and while the other 26 of us sing the EU anthem, while watching you burn the EU flag I’ll video it for YouTube, and claim we were all offended and harrassed, as rude Daveed outnumbered us

  152. 152
    Baldy says:

    Hollande: “Ah, oui, perhaps just a touch too much garlic in the chocolate.”

  153. 153
    Prezclott says:

    Hollande …. did someone mention pies?

  154. 154
    John Peel says:

    Nah, it woz Guns ‘n Roses

  155. 155
    Dave and Compliant Slave says:

    What I’m going to show you next is the ” Bullingdon Dry Slap “.

    It doesn’t do as much damage if you keep your glasses on and let them take the full force.

  156. 156
    Anonymous says:

    I’d slap you, if I were man enough.

  157. 157
    The Moose says:

    At least I don’t have to bend down to slap the new one

  158. 158
    First timer says:

    No really I have only made 5 u-turns….

  159. 159
    Anonymous says:

    “Please can YOU TURN and support austerity, the gentleman’s FOR TURNING”.

  160. 160
    I Squiggle says:

    I’m afraid paper wins, François, even if we have to print more of it..

  161. 161
    Feringhee says:


    Ziss is zee ‘and I use to smack zee botumes of zee gairls vrom zee Folies Bergeres !!!

    Frankie Ollande, the new president of France:

    ” Ere mate, I fort awl you nanas from Hee’on was gayboys?

  162. 162
    jgm2 says:

    Do you see that red dot on your lapel?

    That’s a laser-sight. Do exactly as I say or when I drop my hand the guy pulls the trigger.

  163. 163
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    …and that’s how you do jazz hands.

  164. 164
    Moby Dick says:

    Has a chancellor ever joined the french foreign legion?

  165. 165
    Euseless says:

    Seriously, you deleted the Alizee comment?

  166. 166
    Peter Ould says:

    “So to slap your predecessor, I only had to raise my hand *this* high”

  167. 167
    Peter Ould says:

    “Seriously, the entire Greek economy could fit right here”

  168. 168
    DC says:

    We need a new acronym. FUK PIIGS.

  169. 169
    President Hollandaise says:

    Pour moi, je prefere L’ecosse.

    Zut alors! Salmond goes much better with ze Hollandaise.

  170. 170
    Nelsons Ghost says:


  171. 171
    Old Dog No Tricks says:

    And once Nick has his fist up my @rse – he does this :)

  172. 172

    Dave :
    Its amazing isn’t it? And first time too!
    Normally the Irish need this many referendums to vote the correct way.

  173. 173
    tauntonian says:

    C’est le coup de barre ici.

  174. 174
    M Le Petteur says:

    I fart in your general election

  175. 175
    BlowingWhistles says:

    Look at this hand; it’s flat!

    Just like the ‘flat earth lie’ all of us polopticians have bought into on AGW.

    Call it Climate change re-brand it a hundred times; it’s still a lie. And we’ve all been rumbled.

  176. 176
    chriselee says:

    …..and when Carla bent over I gave her lovely arse
    a good slap.

  177. 177
    wight tory says:

    “Damn you Nat, it wasn’t me that called you a puppet master…..Now will you pleeease let my hand down”

  178. 178
    Sir William Waad says:

    You cannot be Syria’s!

  179. 179
    The Scarlet Pimpernel says:

    Dave to Hollandaise:

    “One thing I like about you Frenchies…. I can look down on you”

  180. 180
    daveyone1 says:

    I caught Sakosy round the chops, jus’ like that! LOL

  181. 181
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Palm reader: ‘I see a very short political life for you Mr Cameron. Like Sarkozy, a one-term leader.’

  182. 182
    DDC says:

    Well that’s where the junior boys common room is, mon ami – cracking victuals I must say. You Eton, old chap?

  183. 183
    Rightallalong says:

    I lean to the left as well

  184. 184
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “We have a French company that’s been very successful in the UK – their slogan is FCUK”

    Hollande: “We too have un slogan like that, Mr Cameron – FCUK UK”

  185. 185
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “Gimme four”

  186. 186
    The Octoberman says:

    ” Now listen here, mon ami, I shall say this only once”!

  187. 187
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “We implemented cuts of four per cent. Four per cent Mr Hollande. Now the economy is recovering.”

    Hollande: “No, Meester Cameron, it cinq”.

  188. 188
    Admiral Howe says:

    Don’t forget the Glorious 1st of June. 5-0 I think.

  189. 189
    Pat McGroin says:

    Despite what you’ve heard, I certainly can chew gum and do U-turns at the same time.

  190. 190
    Gonk says:

    Je suis un Rock Star.

  191. 191
    Ah! Monika says:

    We still have the Longbow and I still have all my fingers>

  192. 192
    Ah! Monika says:

    Can you read hands?
    They say I have only one term.

  193. 193

    He never shook hands with Blair then.

  194. 194
    Mark Johnson says:

    ….and if you don’t like austerity, France is 600 miles that way….

  195. 195
    Mr Natural says:

    Allo! Yoo-hoo! Ay am down ere.

  196. 196
    robbie says:

    Lizzen do me carefullie- I vill zay theez onlee wannz.

    There you go- I learned French at Eton you know.

  197. 197
    Mike Thomas says:

    See…. I named all my fingers…

    Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Waterloo and Salamanca…..

    Get the message?

  198. 198
    Monsieur Chuckles says:

    ” Trust me Francois ! The slap-on-the-bum technique worked on Carla, it’ll deffo work on Angela ! “

  199. 199
    public toilets says:

    Is it true it was the Muslim voters what won it for you?

  200. 200
    filipinomonkey says:

    Who ordered the Coke?

  201. 201
    Ah! Monika says:

    IInd attempt.

    You may have more aircraft carriers but we still have the Longbow and I have all my fingers.

  202. 202
    selfimportant says:

    yes, apparently the Chancellor likes it like this, and when he’s had enough he says “Louise”

  203. 203
    Penfold says:

    DC: Flip flop? moi!
    FH: You are always flip-flopping, look at the budget.
    DC: Ah, Francois, with time in government you learn, to revise decisions, to take account of changing times, to listen to the feedback, TO Never, Ever, Paint yourself into a corner by making rash and impractical statements like changing the bail-out terms that Angela has made. Tiens mon ami?

  204. 204
    Penfold says:

    Surely the last should be Oran.

  205. 205
    mike says:

    You see this sweaty little hand? That’s your country, that is

  206. 206
    Frankland says:

    Speak a la main Frog Git!

  207. 207
    Frankland says:

    So, brand new and never used hand, then?

  208. 208
    illogical says:

    French Left wing eh? Have they dropped Ribéry?

  209. 209
    Ironside says:

    No, you are not a tosser.
    You are socialist, like me.

  210. 210
    brillcreamed says:

    Grecian formula 2012 discussion. Serious stuff.
    No birdsh*t on us.

  211. 211
    doubt says:

    So you went from mayor to president eh? Don’t believe that could ever happen in the UK, now that Ken Livingstone has retired from politics.

  212. 212
    tourdefrance says:

    So you’ve given up on the Royale bit and moved on to a Threewieler.
    Same with us. We try to avoid the aristocracy link but love old bikes.
    Put it there!

  213. 213
    Slapstick politics says:

    The Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise of European politics.

  214. 214
    Baroness Arsi ~Recipe for disaster says:

    Put some curry powder on the hand to give that slap a bit of a sting.

  215. 215
    Puppet Master says:

    Because of austerity and cuts, Sooty is in the nude.

  216. 216
    MacGuffin says:

    Ooooh I could give you such a slap right now you bitch!

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Dan Hodges on Labour unity

“We’ve heard a lot over the past few years about how Miliband has united Labour. But he has not united Labour. He has pacified Labour. He has placed it into a medically induced coma following the trauma of the party’s 2010 defeat.”

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