June 1st, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Slap Edition)


216 Comments

  1. 1
    Freak watch says:

    “Do as i say or get a slap “

    Like

  2. 2

    Dave – “Give me Five”
    Frank – “I’ll give you five, but I’ll need ten back.”

    Like

    • 59
      pas faisait un signe de la main mais noyait says:

      ‘Now his Presidential box has been confiscated Sarkozy’s photo ops get ever more desperate….’

      Like

  3. 3
    Freak watch says:

    “Its just for the camreas, I will sign the cheaque later”

    Like

  4. 4

    I see…So if you only put one hand up to the Germans, its a Vichy, rather than total surrender?

    Like

    • 23
    • 87
      Baldy says:

      Holland: “No, Daveed, historically it is the right hand for the EU gesture. Have you nevaire watch ‘World at War’?

      It is very important not to get left and right mixed up in publlic. Strange how all of you British who did PPE have such a problem confusing right with left.”

      Like

  5. 5
    Raving Loon says:

    Dave:

    “Oi Frank, wos this I ‘erd abaht a Tobin Tax?”

    Like

  6. 6
    Freak watch says:

    “Dont worry, i will u-turn on the slap later”

    Like

  7. 7
    James says:

    If I wasn’t a socialist, I’d bend you over my knee and use this hand to spank your garlic arse.

    Like

  8. 8

    If the voters ever find out what I’ve agreed with you Francois, they will never stop slapping me.

    Like

  9. 10
    Terrible But True says:

    Cameron – ‘How many fingers am I holding up?’
    Hollande – ‘Apres new taxes on those who didn’t vote for me, including ze six times matched Euro golden pension for those who did, and work for me, plus perks and a little beet extra for ze pot and a kick back to the BBC, why not let’s call it a round two trillion?’

    Like

  10. 11
    Tuscan Tony says:

    Works great as hair gel, just ask Miss Diaz.

    Like

    • 136
      Something about Mandleson says:

      Has he got compromising piccys of you Francoise?
      He’s got em on all of us … so be careful.

      Like

  11. 12
    Some Geezer wot wishes Dave would do it, too says:

    Cameltoe: “Think I won’t thumb my nose at Angie? Watch me!”

    Like

  12. 13
    Andrew Efiong says:

    “Talk to the hand, cos the face is too busy U-turning”

    Like

  13. 15

    Everyone else who has met you said you were brain dead, but I can feel you breathing through your mouth from here!

    Like

  14. 16

    As Hollande discussed the crisis the only message Dave’s brain was sending was “Slaphead! Slaphead!Slaphead!”

    Like

  15. 17
    Mike Litorus says:

    “Usually it is us French who put our hands up first is it not?”

    Like

  16. 18
    Freak watch says:

    “Now if i can just remeber how to do the vulcan mind thingy”

    Like

  17. 19
    Frank Dutch says:

    Hey Franky, I’ve heard you’re a slaphead. Let me have a go

    Like

  18. 20
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    “I’d love to shag the arse off your missus”

    Like

  19. 21

    Funny we’re both wearing blue ties, yet neither of is remotely Tory.

    Like

  20. 22
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    So I had milliband by the throat and gave him one mother of a slap

    Like

  21. 24
    Ah! Monika says:

    Dave :- “I’m coming from the Left as well.”

    Like

  22. 25

    This is my political lifeline. It runs out in 2015.

    Like

  23. 26
    Ash Ken the Question says:

    “As I was saying David, you can clearly see the number of u-turns you will do each week if you count the lines under your little finger”

    Like

  24. 27
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Raté, connard.

    “you missed you arsehole”

    Like

  25. 29
    welshwiz says:

    “May is Happy Masturbation Month! Need a hand?”

    Like

  26. 30
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    Anyway david this is the site of our glorious french armed forces

    http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/french.html

    Like

  27. 31
    Biscuit Daddy says:

    Cameron: “Look, I’ve been practicing the Robot Dance for EURO 2012!”

    Like

  28. 32
    Steve Miliband says:

    No. I said Carla was a slapper, like ‘to slap’

    Like

  29. 33
    Ah! Monika says:

    We’ve got the Queen….and you?

    Like

  30. 34
    welshwiz says:

    “Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening!”

    Like

  31. 36
    Steve Miliband says:

    But it is nut my dug

    Like

  32. 37
    CamerKazi says:

    Yes of course I’ll give you whatever bailout you need, agree to tax on baking transactions, an increase in monies to french agriculture and wave UK interests in the interests of France and the wider EU.

    That should do it – God, help me – I’m an addict, I need another U-Turn FIX!

    Like

  33. 39
    Tooth fairy says:

    As the firsts among equals meet, Cameron exudes how it is so nice to be able to look his colleague in the eye as opposed to the top of his head.

    Like

  34. 40

    Oui Monsieur le Premier Ministre. I kneaux zees one. The un deux trois cat sank.

    Like

  35. 41
    Steve Miliband says:

    call that a fireplace? It’s a fucking disgrace

    Like

  36. 42
    Mcd says:

    ‘It’s nothing personal, you see. Just following EU directives’

    Like

  37. 43
    SimmoTheGypo says:

    Yes, I call it my ‘Jeremy Beadle’ hand……

    Like

  38. 44
    Selohesra says:

    Your wife isn’t as pretty as the last chap’s

    Like

  39. 45

    …and if she argues, Angie is holding out for a bit of rough.

    Like

  40. 47
    Stuart says:

    Suggested caption:

    Cameron: Don’t worry about the euro, I have something up my sleeve.
    Hollande: What is it?
    Cameron: My arm.

    Like

    • 61
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      I said to the doctor “it hurts when i do this!” and he said “well don’t do that”.

      Like

  41. 48

    Dave and Francoise together

    “Can you smell cheese?”

    Like

  42. 49
    Ah! Monika says:

    Just think on….if you hadn’t guillotined your Queen…..

    Like

  43. 52
    Charlie says says:

    Sorry, wife-swapping was only on offer to your predecessor.

    Like

  44. 53

    Photo shoot for the ‘before men’ at the ‘chin plastic surgery clinic.’

    Like

  45. 54
    Anonymous says:

    You had a fag! Well, I’m a Dutchman.

    Like

  46. 55
    Chris C says:

    ….and this is the hand I use to operate Nick Clegg…

    Like

  47. 56
    jonathan says:

    cameron to hollande – “i prefer the left as well”

    Like

  48. 57
    Martin Day says:

    David Cameron “Oh I’m so sorry,so hard to piss using my right hand.I must have sprayed your shoes”

    Like

  49. 58
    CamerKazi says:

    Yes, really, it was this hand I used to feel Carla’s tits!

    Like

  50. 60
    Ah! Monika says:

    Cuts…simple…just like this.

    Like

  51. 62

    Merde! Les hommes ne baisent plus les mains des hommes.

    Like

  52. 63
    Owen Jones says:

    all socialists are whores.

    Like

    • 141
      Law Lord says:

      And all lawyers are prostitutes – who whore themselves out for money. Justice? – sorry we don’t do that one any more it’s so non-profit making.

      Like

  53. 64

    Been practising Tony’s hand gestures, but I still haven’t got the stigmata.

    Like

    • 143
      Bliar book of ruses says:

      Dave – boy … don’t forget the old ruse I used about having a heart condition / heart murmer – that was such a ‘sympathy gainer’ … but use it only when it gets really really hot.

      Like

  54. 65
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a beginner at it. So please continue!!’

    Like

  55. 66
    Steve Miliband says:

    Not now Cato!!!!

    Like

  56. 67
    Baldy says:

    Cast-Iron Dave: “Counting them up, there’s Greece, Portugal, Ireland, Spain and Italy…hang on I’ve run out of fingers…”

    Hollande: “Ah, but if you just take your other hand off your wallet we can continue, yes?”

    Like

  57. 69
    Red Dave says:

    I see you have taken advantage of our free glasses on the NHS offer for foreigners. Help yourself to a spare pair on your way out.

    Like

  58. 70
    Chris M says:

    …and you just slap the butter on your forehead like this and, et voila, buttered new potato forehead!

    Like

  59. 72
    idlejill says:

    Et enfin, le coup de main.

    Like

  60. 73
    Stepney says:

    Cameron: “So then Mr Paphitis, how about 75bn for a 45% share in UK PLC and I’ll throw in Jeremy Hunt for free?”

    Like

  61. 74
    Larry the Cat says:

    Sarkozy used to stand on a box so I could stroke him.

    Like

  62. 75
    Ah! Monika says:

    Let’s have a summit.
    We’ll stop referring to French Letters, if you stop using La Manche.

    Like

  63. 76
    Anonymous says:

    No it doesn’t hurt that much if you use vaseline

    Like

  64. 78
    Martin Borman. says:

    Don’t forget to send the blanc cheque, English pig.

    Like

  65. 79
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    DC: “You know how we’ve done all those U-turns lately? Well, THIS is the proverbial ‘other hand’ we’ve been referring to– “On the other hand, a change of policy may be called for at this time…’.”

    Like

  66. 80

    I’m sorry,I can’t understand you’re accent. Are you saying ‘allo ‘allo or A grow a Grow

    Like

  67. 81
    Hollande says:

    That left arm! – Mon Dieu, its Nick Clegg working you from behind!

    Like

  68. 82

    Ooops. Sorry. Thought you were Toenails for a moment…

    Like

  69. 84
    Tooth fairy says:

    You row, I’ll wave

    Like

  70. 88
    M says:

    Oh yeah , that’s from Merkel

    Like

  71. 89
    Ah! Monika says:

    I slap
    you slap
    he slaps
    she slaps
    it slaps
    we slap
    they slap
    Now is the verb to slap “claque, gifle or tape” I went to Eton you know.

    Like

  72. 91
    Dave ze Rave says:

    Will you join my staff please, François?

    All the rest of them have gone

    Like

    • 100
      Hollande says:

      I did not realise your staff was broken – I can recommend a good french doctor.

      Like

  73. 92
    Cast Iron Cameron says:

    We’d probably have to vote 5 times, but, if you ask, I am sure we’ll eventually get a yes to a referendum on having you crowned Emperor instead of Rumpy.

    Like

  74. 93
    Well it's a thought says:

    Oooh!, I was so annoyed I slapped the bitch.

    Like

  75. 94
    Ah! Monika says:

    ” I did clap when you were elected, but only with this hand”

    Like

  76. 95
    Henry Crun says:

    “Monsieur,when it comes to U-Turns,I am untouchable!”

    Like

  77. 96
    Camoron says:

    Need a quick Euro loan? Wonga are up for it.

    Like

  78. 97
    Dugald MacMillan says:

    The watch goes on this hand, hands facing you, then you can countdown to Eurogeddon.

    Like

  79. 98
    nellnewman says:

    If this was mrsthatcher standing here listening to you talking french twaddle on how to spend the eu out of debt this is how she would swing her handbag.

    Like

  80. 99
    Ah! Monika says:

    The English call me gauche, but one day I’ll show them the right.

    Like

  81. 100
    Anonymous says:

    If you don’t capitulate i’ll stuff you up this Chimney

    Like

  82. 102
    Trinny says:

    Klop!

    Like

  83. 103
    bald old git says:

    At least Merkel wears a glove …

    Like

  84. 104
    Ah! Monika says:

    Hollande ” I’ve heard they call you a Count, is it true?”

    Like

  85. 105
    Anonymous says:

    “Smell the cheese”

    Like

  86. 106
    Ah! Monika says:

    “In England, if you support Gay Marriage, you don’t wear a wedding ring”

    Like

  87. 107
    Idle says:

    ‘Holland, you say?’

    “No, France. Hollande is my name”

    ‘They told me your name was Francois.’

    “It is.”

    ‘Sorry, you’ve stumped me there. Dashed cunning, you Frogs’

    (thinks) “Cretin”

    Like

  88. 108
    Not Another Irritating Boy Band says:

    Take Zat!

    Like

  89. 109
    Ed Chap says:

    Entente Cordial my arse. You won’t know whats hit you by the time I’m finished with you.

    Like

  90. 110
    Lizzie says:

    Speak to the hand, froggie!

    Like

  91. 111
    Ah! Monika says:

    So I said to Jeremy ” next time …….”

    Like

  92. 112
    Lizzie says:

    Hollande, France, France, Holland, what’s the difference?

    Like

  93. 113
    CamerKazi says:

    My best mate Tony has been trying to get my hand gestures sorted, but I can only do this one at the moment.

    Like

  94. 115
    Ah! Monika says:

    At least they won’t use this photo as a Friday Caption Contest.

    Like

  95. 116
    Mehdi Hasan says:

    That is the clean one!

    The other is for uses animalistic various.

    Like

  96. 117

    Mon dieu! I’ve just shaken hands with a socialist and I’ve still got all my fingers!

    Like

  97. 118
    Merkel 8 Series says:

    Merkel said, pass it on.

    Like

  98. 120
    Britney Hollande says:

    If you hit me baby one more time, I’m retreating behind the Maginot Line.

    Like

  99. 122
    Spangles says:

    Give me five Frankie Frog.

    Like

  100. 123
    fewer not less says:

    We call this the “Royal” wave.

    Like

  101. 124
    TheConstantGardener says:

    Yes, Nick, you can go to the toilet if you need to…

    Like

  102. 125
    Medieval Mehdi says:

    Two infidel animals playing politics.

    Like

  103. 126

    Gerrrtcha! Next time Frenchy, you’ll be be getting the hairy side.

    Like

  104. 127
    Harry Corbett says:

    I was much better when I practiced earlier, but then I lost my Cleggy glove puppet?

    Like

  105. 128

    2 be, or not 2 be.

    Like

    • 147
      Baldy says:

      Hollande: I do not understand – explain please this ‘Naked Sooty does Hamlet’.

      Like

  106. 129
    william says:

    Crecy 1346,Agincourt 1415,Waterloo 1815,England 3-France 0.

    Like

  107. 130
    Twatson is a fat git says:

    I know you frogs are cowardly, so you can borrow my hand to spank old Angela.

    Like

  108. 132
    pooh says:

    Euro-dismay.
    Sleeping Beauty explaining and practicing french dwarf tossing.

    Like

  109. 134
    'ollande Kilgore says:

    Oh, the smell of warm pasty on a palm in the morning, you British, La cuisine est magnifique!

    Like

  110. 135
    Camercon says:

    Now I usually black up and get down on one knee for mammy

    Like

  111. 137
    Ah! Monika says:

    I’m no alien, look, a hand just like yours.

    Like

  112. 138
    Dave says:

    Before NuLiebor came along and f****d us with all that PC nonsense, we’d have called you a midget.

    Like

  113. 140
    Lord Effingham says:

    I say, old chap, would you mind awfully running face-first into this? Thank you.

    Like

  114. 142
    Maximus says:

    “Did you know you had a face just like a slapped pasty?”

    Like

  115. 144
    Cressida's Dick says:

    ‘Have Angela’s tanks damaged your lawn?’

    Like

  116. 145
    The Golem says:

    “Don’t worry Holland, old chap, I’ve been fooling ‘em for years.”

    Like

  117. 146
    BlowingWhistles says:

    Fancy burning an EU flag this weekend Francoise?

    Like

    • 151
      Baldy says:

      Hollande: “But of course Daveed”

      *thinks* – and while the other 26 of us sing the EU anthem, while watching you burn the EU flag I’ll video it for YouTube, and claim we were all offended and harrassed, as rude Daveed outnumbered us

      Like

  118. 148
    Gene Hunt says:

    Dave, “The Deputy PM is taking a nap, so I’ve been able to pull this out of his arse.”

    Like

  119. 150
    Hiram Q Dingbat says:

    Yes, this is indeed the famous hand does not know what the other one is doing.

    Like

  120. 155
    Dave and Compliant Slave says:

    What I’m going to show you next is the ” Bullingdon Dry Slap “.

    It doesn’t do as much damage if you keep your glasses on and let them take the full force.

    Like

  121. 156
    Anonymous says:

    I’d slap you, if I were man enough.

    Like

  122. 157
    The Moose says:

    At least I don’t have to bend down to slap the new one

    Like

  123. 158
    First timer says:

    No really I have only made 5 u-turns….

    Like

  124. 159
    Anonymous says:

    “Please can YOU TURN and support austerity, the gentleman’s FOR TURNING”.

    Like

  125. 160
    I Squiggle says:

    I’m afraid paper wins, François, even if we have to print more of it..

    Like

  126. 161
    Feringhee says:

    Dave:

    Ziss is zee ‘and I use to smack zee botumes of zee gairls vrom zee Folies Bergeres !!!

    Frankie Ollande, the new president of France:

    ” Ere mate, I fort awl you nanas from Hee’on was gayboys?

    Like

  127. 162
    jgm2 says:

    Do you see that red dot on your lapel?

    That’s a laser-sight. Do exactly as I say or when I drop my hand the guy pulls the trigger.

    Like

  128. 163
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    …and that’s how you do jazz hands.

    Like

  129. 164
    Moby Dick says:

    Has a chancellor ever joined the french foreign legion?

    Like

  130. 165
    Euseless says:

    Seriously, you deleted the Alizee comment?

    Like

  131. 166
    Peter Ould says:

    “So to slap your predecessor, I only had to raise my hand *this* high”

    Like

  132. 167
    Peter Ould says:

    “Seriously, the entire Greek economy could fit right here”

    Like

  133. 168
    DC says:

    We need a new acronym. FUK PIIGS.

    Like

  134. 171
    Old Dog No Tricks says:

    And once Nick has his fist up my @rse – he does this :)

    Like

  135. 172

    Dave :
    Its amazing isn’t it? And first time too!
    Normally the Irish need this many referendums to vote the correct way.

    Like

  136. 173
    tauntonian says:

    C’est le coup de barre ici.

    Like

  137. 175
    BlowingWhistles says:

    Look at this hand; it’s flat!

    Just like the ‘flat earth lie’ all of us polopticians have bought into on AGW.

    Call it Climate change re-brand it a hundred times; it’s still a lie. And we’ve all been rumbled.

    Like

  138. 177
    wight tory says:

    “Damn you Nat, it wasn’t me that called you a puppet master…..Now will you pleeease let my hand down”

    Like

  139. 180
    daveyone1 says:

    I caught Sakosy round the chops, jus’ like that! LOL

    Like

  140. 181
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Palm reader: ‘I see a very short political life for you Mr Cameron. Like Sarkozy, a one-term leader.’

    Like

  141. 182
    DDC says:

    Well that’s where the junior boys common room is, mon ami – cracking victuals I must say. You Eton, old chap?

    Like

  142. 183
    Rightallalong says:

    I lean to the left as well

    Like

  143. 184
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “We have a French company that’s been very successful in the UK – their slogan is FCUK”

    Hollande: “We too have un slogan like that, Mr Cameron – FCUK UK”

    Like

  144. 185
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “Gimme four”

    Like

  145. 186
    The Octoberman says:

    ” Now listen here, mon ami, I shall say this only once”!

    Like

  146. 187
    DDC says:

    Cameron: “We implemented cuts of four per cent. Four per cent Mr Hollande. Now the economy is recovering.”

    Hollande: “No, Meester Cameron, it cinq”.

    Like

  147. 189
    Pat McGroin says:

    Despite what you’ve heard, I certainly can chew gum and do U-turns at the same time.

    Like

  148. 191
    Ah! Monika says:

    We still have the Longbow and I still have all my fingers>

    Like

  149. 192
    Ah! Monika says:

    Can you read hands?
    They say I have only one term.

    Like

  150. 194
    Mark Johnson says:

    ….and if you don’t like austerity, France is 600 miles that way….

    Like

  151. 195
    Mr Natural says:

    Allo! Yoo-hoo! Ay am down ere.

    Like

  152. 196
    robbie says:

    Lizzen do me carefullie- I vill zay theez onlee wannz.

    There you go- I learned French at Eton you know.

    Like

  153. 197
    Mike Thomas says:

    See…. I named all my fingers…

    Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Waterloo and Salamanca…..

    Get the message?

    Like

  154. 198
    Monsieur Chuckles says:

    ” Trust me Francois ! The slap-on-the-bum technique worked on Carla, it’ll deffo work on Angela ! “

    Like

  155. 199
    public toilets says:

    Is it true it was the Muslim voters what won it for you?

    Like

  156. 200
    filipinomonkey says:

    Who ordered the Coke?

    Like

  157. 202
    selfimportant says:

    yes, apparently the Chancellor likes it like this, and when he’s had enough he says “Louise”

    Like

  158. 203
    Penfold says:

    DC: Flip flop? moi!
    FH: You are always flip-flopping, look at the budget.
    DC: Ah, Francois, with time in government you learn, to revise decisions, to take account of changing times, to listen to the feedback, TO Never, Ever, Paint yourself into a corner by making rash and impractical statements like changing the bail-out terms that Angela has made. Tiens mon ami?

    Like

  159. 205
    mike says:

    You see this sweaty little hand? That’s your country, that is

    Like

  160. 206
    Frankland says:

    Speak a la main Frog Git!

    Like

  161. 208
    illogical says:

    French Left wing eh? Have they dropped Ribéry?

    Like

  162. 209
    Ironside says:

    No, you are not a tosser.
    You are socialist, like me.

    Like

  163. 210
    brillcreamed says:

    Grecian formula 2012 discussion. Serious stuff.
    No birdsh*t on us.

    Like

  164. 211
    doubt says:

    So you went from mayor to president eh? Don’t believe that could ever happen in the UK, now that Ken Livingstone has retired from politics.

    Like

  165. 212
    tourdefrance says:

    So you’ve given up on the Royale bit and moved on to a Threewieler.
    Same with us. We try to avoid the aristocracy link but love old bikes.
    Put it there!

    Like

  166. 213
    Slapstick politics says:

    The Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise of European politics.

    Like

  167. 214
    Baroness Arsi ~Recipe for disaster says:

    Put some curry powder on the hand to give that slap a bit of a sting.

    Like

  168. 215
    Puppet Master says:

    Because of austerity and cuts, Sooty is in the nude.

    Like

  169. 216
    MacGuffin says:

    Ooooh I could give you such a slap right now you bitch!

    Like


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Find out more about PLMR


Austrian Chancellor Werner Faymann on Cameron’s refusal to pay the £1.7 billion EU bill by December 1st:

“Well, then he’s gonna pay on December 2nd”



Mycroft says:

Have you read the last bit of Animal Farm?

You know where the animals are looking through the Farmhouse window?

My TV screen was that window at lunch-time today.

Be careful, the sudden self-congratulatory tone, the slightly pudgy outline of indulgence and you become exactly what you should despise.

The jolly face of the Quisling Cameron poses for your camera has mesmerised and deceived you, you who were once not so deceived.

You were no firebrand, you were a damp squib in my opinion, sorry.

You need a damned good kick up the ahse!


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