May 3rd, 2012

Caroline Spelman on her needs

“So what I really need is 17 inches”


  1. 1
    Ampers says:

    That let’s me out. By about sixteen inches!

    • 9
      Selohesra says:

      I could shag her 4 times if that helps

    • 32
      Rage Against the Political Elite. says:

      Is that GIRTH??

    • 60
      Ah! Monika says:

      Environment Secretary says families should use bath water to flush toilets despite record rain

      I’ve been standing in my shower for half-an-hour and still haven’t filled a cup.

      Off to empty a Jerry-can

  2. 2
    tony says:

    Cherie believes in metric, but no-one can metre requirements

  3. 3
    Ah! Monika says:

    Lacks ambition

    • 27
      pi says:


      • 33
        Ah! Monika says:

        2 x pi x r (sqrd) x h

        • 36
          Engineer says:

          Close – that’s the volume of a cylinder.

          Mind you, she’s probably after maximum volume.

          • sockpuppet #4 says:

            Not close at all. Unless you’re a kind of “it works don’t complain” engineer. Household Boiler engineer for example.

          • Ah! Monika says:

            Hey. I know that. Grammar School Boy.

          • jgm2 says:

            pi x r x r = area of a circle.

            pi x r x r x h = volume of a cylinder

            2 x pi x r x r x h = volume of two cylinders


            pi x r x r = area of a circle.

            2 x pi x r = circumference of a cicle

            2 x (pi x r x r) PLUS (2 x pi x r x h) = area of a cylinder


        • 70
          t whatson offer says:

          Somebody mention Pi?

      • 83
        I'm Not Judging, But... says:

        No – uncut, thanks.

  4. 4
    Kaiser Wilhelm III says:

    Ugh, all these Tories want is a lobbying scandal to wash them all away. They’re all greedy for expenses and lobbying freebies

    • 12
      Margaret Moran says:

      They’re truly sickening, aren’t they?

      • 36
        Seabury Pongleton QC says:

        Too psychologically deranged to attend court and here you are, gracing the blogosphere with your large presence.

        I see there’s nothing wrong with your sense of irony.

        • 46
          Margaret Moran says:

          It was only the thought of being punished that made me pretend to be ill.

          Now that I haven’t been punished I’m feeling much much better.

          • Ernie Saunders c/o Cayman Islands says:

            Margaret, give me a call – I can give you some good advice (at a cost).

            Believe me, alzheimer’s is the best card to play.

  5. 5
    Hugh Janus says:

    Just when you thought that this shambles of a country couldn’t get any worse….–wants-engage-UK-politics.html

    • 14
      jgm2 says:

      I don’t think Labour or Leveson will want reminding of that photograph about 2/3 of the way down…

      Tony Blair next to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael Mullen, left, and News Corporation Chairman and CEO Rupert Murdoch, right, as they accept their Leadership Awards at Atlantic Council’s 2008 Gala

      • 34
        The Labour Party says:

        The photograph was clearly Photoshopped to show our most successful leader next to the vile repulsive Murdoch. You are a fool not to have noticed this Stalinesque deception.

        We would also like to point out that Tony Blair is vile Tory filth and never had anything to do with us.

        • 67
          yeah, right.... says:

          Said in jest but we should not be surprised if, on Any Questions any time soon, Harperson states, with total confidence, that Blair was a Tory prime minister.

          We were never at war with Eurasia.

        • 87
          Business Cat (Specializing in yarns, Cdn owned & op) says:

          What the Ruskies could have done with Photoshop!

          It may yet prove useful to the Chinese with their Bo Xilai problem.

    • 15
      Well it's a thought says:

      God help us, that’s all we need the kiss of death coming back to the trough, shouldn’t he be in jail for starting a war?.

      • 30
        Revd. Phoney £rd Way B£iar, sanctimonious git and £iar, emoting and wiv stupid grin says:


        I’m very RICH !!! and you’re glad to see me! Remember voting for me??

        Look! I’ve already called to say that I’m re-engaging wiv British Politics, – especially to help my boy Dave wiv my heritage. I can’t make my comeback any faster, – just got to finish off my P8@c* process!

        Super aren’t I?

        • 76
          Sir Aston Martin says:

          I’m suspicious. If you were really the Sainted Tony, you would have written “you guys are glad to see me”.

    • 28
      Quisling says:

      Its common knowledge that a parasite often revisits the same host

      • 35
        Lawyers, Estate Agents, Politicans, Civil Servants, and other Parasites of Society says:

        We never let go

  6. 6
    Well it's a thought says:

    She needs to find a job she may be able to do, like making a cup of tea or cutting flowers in the garden.

    • 39
      CP and something to do with flowering? says:

      I’m interested, – I could help fertilise

    • 56
      Comic Opera says:

      yes, couldn’t she and jacqui Smith set up an estate agents company together?

    • 81
      Maximus says:

      About right for her competence at Defra. Evidently Sir Humphrey has no intention of letting her groom the horses, no matter what the Pasty Boy in No. 10 would like.

  7. 7
    jgm2 says:

    17 inches is far too short a drop to break her neck. She’ll just strangle herself.

  8. 8
    Lexington Steele says:

    I’d be happy to oblige

  9. 10
    maggie the dog says:

    Ouch thats all I can say

  10. 11
    Drought update: Day 28. Rain, rain, floods, floods and more floods. says:

    I don’t think she knows what she wants.

    • 21
      Abdel from Tooting says:

      I am sure Mr Cameron knows what is best for her and the country.

    • 22
      The Tosser in No 10 says:

      I say Chaps!!!! I know what the common people want!!! They want to know we’re dreaming up new scams to fix their drought – if they can’t afford Perrier of course!

      Ha Ha hAh wattage . . .watter!!!!!

  11. 16
    Quisling says:


  12. 17
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles ‘turned beetroot’ in his efforts to stifle his mirth.

    I think Eric Pickles wants to be aiming for less than 140mm Hg

  13. 24
    Engineer says:

    She’s probably referring to one of those extending ones – you pump fluid in and it lengthens. You do need a smooth bore and a tight fitting gland to avoid leakage, though.

  14. 26
    Weybridgeman says:

    17 inches – if you took that off Pickles’s waist he would only have a 73 inch waist…..

  15. 29
    Lard Presc'unt says:

    Will 17 millimetres do?

  16. 31
    M.Handoncock says:

    I’d slam her half a foot if she got me pissed enough.

  17. 38
    UKIPMAN says:

    It’s not funny in centimetres, is it? If this was Labour they would be wanting 43cm.

    • 42
      Raving Loon says:

      All I know is that inches are longer.

    • 43
      UKIPMAN says:

      I could give Spelman 3 inches and Louise Mensch 6 inches.

    • 45
      UKIPMAN says:

      After today Ken will be crying so much the drought will be over.

      • 49
        Labour's effnic postal votes says:

        It ain’t over ’til the mail sacks are bringed!

    • 47
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      When one measures in inches it sounds like you might be talking about bike tyres, computer disks or dicks.

      There is no EU mandate on the metrification of cock measurement.

  18. 40
    smoggie says:

    A horse, a horse, my ministry for a horse!

  19. 44
    la Spellman says:

    Too far, Ohuch, not so fast.

  20. 48
    Sir Ken Livingslime says:

    I need 17 also. 17 votes per bedroom should do it.

  21. 50
    SouthEastVoter says:

    I think G Brown could help, I don’t know about the 17in, but he f**ked the economy right proper

  22. 55
    Deckchair attendant on Titanic says:

    PM prepares to reshuffle Cabinet as he braces for a pounding at the polls

  23. 57

    Where are you watching / reporting from tonight Guido/neo?

    Are you going to be on air when the hand of history glides down and gives Ken an almighty slap across his chops?

  24. 61
    Gonk says:

    We need more reservoirs or less people.

    • 68
      Loungelizard says:

      In Britain people call Ed Milibamd the ‘Big Wet’.

      • 80

        Again the French have a good word.
        Le Pisseur.

        And a good phrase for Guardian readers too.

        Les incontinence nocturne;
        Le personne qui pisse au lit.

    • 85
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      Boris could put on a big stovepipe hat and make a huge canal from mid wales to london. Right through Witney. See if he can get his mates to pay for it like he did with the bikes.

  25. 62
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Her favourite music is Tom The Tailor and When Celia Was Learning by Henry Purcell.

  26. 72
    tottenham chutzpah says:

    there was a youing lady from Bruges
    whose xxxxxx was amazingly ‘uge
    said Louis Quatorze
    when she’d hauled off ‘er drawers
    Mon Dieu – apres moi le Deluge!

  27. 73
    Rachel Grant says:

    The messiah will return and you will all bow before him

  28. 74
    Proof Reader says:

    Shouldn’t the strap read – Caroline Spelman on her special needs…

  29. 77
    17 inches says:

  30. 84
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    And no-one added, “Said the actress…”, to give her a clue?

    What are we coming to as a society?

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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