April 27th, 2012

Guidogram Going Out Shortly

The Guidogram round-up of the week is going out shortly. Don’t forget you can now also read the Sunday edition of the blog exclusively in the Daily Star Sunday.

Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it.

Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop.

You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Gordon Brown says:

    A man who sold counterfeit medicines, including Viagra, has been told to hand over more than £14m by Southwark Crown Court.

    £13,999,999 of that is mine

    • 4
      Gordon Brown says:

      Sarah bought the first one

    • 5
      Le Monde correspondent says:

      I have never understood how Britain could have had a totally looney mad corrupted and hysterical man as a Prime Minister

      My readers would love to know how that happened…

      • 6
        Dave the Rave has lost the plot says:

        At least you can only use a few of those adjectives about me

        • 8
          News of the World correspondent, retired hurt says:

          You are just partially mad old son because you do not even realise that you are totally corrupted…

          • La vache qui ne rit pas says:

            Le reponse, M le correspondent, est parce que Mme Shirley Williams, etait une vache du premiere ordre.

            En anglais: She fukked up our ejercashun sytem and the cunntry has never recovered.

      • 17
        AC1 says:

        >I have never understood how Britain could have had a totally looney mad corrupted and hysterical man as a Prime Minister
        Three times in a row.

        • 27
          John Major says:

          Pssst! Wanna call my Cones Hotline?

          • Gordon Brown (repeatedly) says:

            I agree with Nick!

          • Gordon Brown (repeatedly) says:

            Gordon Brown (repeatedly) says:
            Your comment is awaiting moderation.
            April 27, 2012 at 7:25 pm

            I agree with Nick!

          • What's left of Olde Englande says:

            In the early Nineties there was an epidemic of road cones reducing the carriageways of at least the M11, A1, M18 and A19. These are the roads I was familiar with, and on which journey times were often doubled. Most of the time no actual road work being done.

            Within weeks of the cones hotline being introduced, the lines of cones vanished, basically never to return.

            John Major was the last decent and effective PM we had, but the ‘cones’, and the way he tucked his shirt into his pants, were successful constructs used by mandleslug and co. to trivialise him and to persuade the sheep to vote for a regular charlatan who promised things would get better.

            It serves the fuckers right for being so thick, that they’re in the shit they’re in now.

          • I hate Tesco AND the Pope says:

            Johnny M was a decent bloke, unlike Brown, Bliar and the currently incumbent fraud. He had a strange taste in women on the side, but I’ll take him over the mass-murdering slime we had from ’97 until the one-eyed Scottish moron forced his way into the job he couldn’t handle. Johnny M can sleep soundly, unlike Bliar. Until Tony stands in the dock a la Charles Taylor, with Campbell the Depressive alongside him, Britain can never again claim moral or legal superiority over any other country, third world or otherwise.

          • Fish says:

            Campbell rejoices in the fact that he made up the underpants story

          • Alistair Tourettes Campbell says:

            You fecking Tory scum sh*t faced C*nt I’ll ave yer bar steward

        • 61

          Well there was David Lloyd George.

          That was three in a row. My father would not have known him if his purchase of shares in the American Marconi company had become public. His fellow Liberals defended the indefensible – not much has changed…

          • Tay King-dePisse says:

            Your father knew Lloyd George? (*melody of “Onward, Christian Soldiers!” plays in background*)

          • From what I was brought up to believe as a child, everyone’s father did…

            [My father was born in 1909]

          • Tottenham Chutzpah says:

            what about you mother?

          • Expat Geordie says:

            I can never forgive DLG for the way he slandered Douglas Haig. Haig had the toughest job ever given to any British general, ever, and he succeeded. David George (he added the name LLoyd) wasn’t fit to lick Haig’s boots.

    • 38
      Handycock (Teen Fondler) says:

      Are any of those viagra going on the cheap? Boaz.

    • 57
      And they said it'd never stand up in court says:

      That’s a stiff sentence

  2. 2
    Reader says:

    Yay! missed it last week :)

  3. 3
    Reuters correspondent, always first with the news says:

    Do we have to subscribe for pornography to receive the Guidogram please Sir ?

  4. 7
    To the brains behind this site :) says:

  5. 10
    Daily Star reporter says:

    Hello Guido, my fellow reporter

    Will you publish me latest scooooop please ?

    I found a Wag shagging a Foootiballer in a Mandy Maserati on Primrose Hill

    If you know what I mean

    This will be HUGE CELEB STORY but Dirty Desmond (our boss) won’t publish it…

    PS I even got a shot of her booooobies…and his footie pecker..gaaawh

  6. 13
    Russel Bland says:
  7. 19


    Will Straw: How do u explain Germany’s recent uptick? (And no they aren’t undertaking austerity at home)

    Our host: Export driven strong economy with fiscal discipline. They didn’t have Gordon Brown and Ed Balls running the economy for a decade.

    I am there right now and can vouch for this. Are these lefties shutting their eyes, their minds or both?

  8. 20


    Wіll Strаw: Hоw dо u еxplаіn Gеrmаny’s rеcеnt uptіck? (Аnd nо thеy аrеn’t undеrtаkіng аustеrіty аt hоmе)

    Оur hоst: Еxpоrt drіvеn strоng еcоnоmy wіth fіscаl dіscіplіnе. Thеy dіdn’t hаvе Gоrdоn Brоwn аnd Еd Bаlls runnіng thе еcоnоmy fоr а dеcаdе.

    І аm thеrе rіght nоw аnd cаn vоuch fоr thіs. Аrе thеsе lеftіеs shuttіng thеіr еyеs, thеіr mіnds оr bоth?

    • 143
      Spangles says:

      Will Straw should ask his Grandfather for advice about Germany. Apparently that man liked the Germans and could see no wrong in what they were doing in war. He liked his home comforts too much!

  9. 23
    Confined Spaces Expert says:


  10. 28
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Krishnan Guru Murthy of Channel 4 News is a complete jumped up wanker. Mind you it’s hard to find any of the media tossers that do not have their heads stuck up their own arses.

    • 140
      Pop, the weasel says:

      Her and Naomi Grimley – the famed ugly sisters of Cindarella fame? With Sally “you must surely agree with me that” Bundock as the reserve.

  11. 34

    Have you seen Alphaville?

    Earlier this week the European Commission’s proposed a whooping 6.8 per cent increase for next year’s EU budget. To soften the blow the EU says it will axe 1% of its staff.

    A whole 1% ? Can you afford the loss? Who will press the button for the lift? Who will park the limousine?

    How much is 1% of 40,775, staff? I make it 407. Mr Barroso makes it 274. So a cut of 0.0067%

    However the EU .. is also taking on an additional 280 staff as a result of Croatian accession, expected on 1 July 2013, bringing the total number of staff across all the EU institutions to 40,769.

    In other words, net, it is only cutting 6 jobs.
    6 tea ladies about to be slung off the gravy train.

  12. 35

    Have you seen Alphaville?

    Earlier this week the Europ/ean Commission’s proposed a whooping 6.8 per cent increase for next year’s EU budget. To soften the blow the EU says it will axe 1% of its staff.

    A whole 1% ? Can you afford the loss? Who will press the button for the lift? Who will park the limousine?

    How much is 1% of 40,775, staff? I make it 407. Mr Barroso makes it 274. So a cut of 0.0067%

    However the EU .. is also taking on an additional 280 staff as a result of Croatian accession, expected on 1 July 2013, bringing the total number of staff across all the EU institutions to 40,769.

    In other words, net, it is only cutting 6 jobs.
    6 tea ladies about to be slung off the gravy train.

    • 39

      And what were tea ladies doing on the gravy train anyway? (at €80,000 each plus perks)

      In case you missed the following, I repost with apologies to anyone
      who has seen it already:

      When you used the word kukaburra yesterday, I was taken back to my childhood and an incident where a friend had decided to name her dinghy after the bird. So she proudly went out and bought two as, two ks, two rs and two us. Completely forgot the b!

      Come to think of it, that is what I want to do when [Ken Livingstone] loses.

    • 40
      David Camoron (one-term PM) says:

      I don’t want any employee of my beloved EU being made redundant!! Crikey, no.

      I’ll close a few old people’s homes, increase fuel duty and then increase next year’s UK contributions to the EU by a couple of billions. That should cover it, what what?

      Toodle Pip!

    • 45
      A pragmatist says:

      Surely you jest? 6 wine waiters or 6 champagne facilitating operatives perhaps.

      • 106
        A Pedant says:

        I think you’ll find the current PC verbiage is ‘Technician’ – as in ‘Wine Technician’ – or some such utter fucking bullshitty NooLieBore PC claptrap – from the says when all jobs were renamed / retarnished / regraded / blah balh.

        (Apologies for the interruption.)

  13. 37
    Guido's horoscopes says:

    If you are feeling unbalanced don’t wear Brown today and the number 2 will be unlucky for you. A very fat woman with a bright orange cardigan points to your destiny. Wear cerise for luck.

  14. 41
    Schrodinger's horoscopes says:

    You should listen to Dead or Alive for inspiration. If that don’t get your tail spinning then wear a mauve flea collar to get rid of whatever is bugging you. . Stay away from dark alleys on Tuesday night or the fur will fly. Number 1 brings you luck.

  15. 43
    WVM says:

    BBC News now spinning all the cold wet weather we’ve had recently as signs of climate change. It’s a good job they changed it to ‘climate change’ as the old buzz word of ‘global warming’ wouldn’t have fitted the narrative too well.

    These fuckers have no shame whatsoever.

    • 141
      Pop, the weasel says:

      Nothing to see here.

      I got snowed up on Salisbury Plain in the 1970s in late April. Plus ca change etc, but as I recall we were supposed to be heading for a new ice age back then so that freak weekend was taken in evidence as fact of the change.

  16. 46
    Margaret Moran says:

    I told a rent-a-shrink my name is Princess Leia and I was born in 1764 and he declared me unfit to stand trial. Ain’t life grand?! And that reminds me, I stole over 20 grand off you lot and got away with it!

    The only downside is I now have to keep up the pretence every time I leave my house. Going to the shops with a pencil in each nostril is a bother but it’s a small price to pay for avoiding prison!

  17. 48
    Margaret Moran says:

    I told a rent-a-shrink my name is Flobadob and I live on Button Moon and he declared me unfit to stand trial. Sucker!

  18. 51
    Bev_Muff says:
  19. 52
    Margaret Moran is a cunt says:

    Can someone tell the disgruntled lorry driver who was refused an HGV licence that the decision to deny him a licence was made by a Mrs M. Moran?

    Disclaimer for thick lefties: The above is humour and not intended as a serious incitement to violence, unlike the actions of your saintly Tony Blair and his dodgy dossier or the events on Harrowden Hill.

  20. 53
    Margaret Moran is a cunt says:

    Moran shouldn’t worry. I’m sure that in a matter of weeks the BBC will invite her to do a reality show or a documentary and pay her handsomely from licence payers’ money. Then she’d have robbed us twice.

  21. 56
    The Margaret Moran Defence says:

    How long before…

    “Our top story tonight, the man who threatened to blow up an office which refused him an HGV licence has been released without charge after his solicitor told police his client was suffering agitation at the thought of being prosecuted. The police agreed that charging the man would cause him immense distress.”

    • 67
      I don't need no doctor says:

      I was arrested for drinking battery acid. They kept me in a cell overnight, but decided not to charge me in the morning.

    • 87
      annette curton says:

      Lol, a salt and battery.

      • 99
        Cheesypishflaps says:

        Guy walks in to a bar with a set of jump leads tied round his neck..the barsteward says…..”don’t you start anything in here!”

        • 102
          Cheesypishflaps says:

          A woman asked the hardware store clerk, “Do you have any batteries?”
          “Yes.” The clerk gestures with his finger. “Can you come this way?”
          “If I could come that way,” the woman answered, “I wouldn’t need
          the batteries.”

          • Cheesypishflaps says:

            I saved my secret lover’s phone number under the name “LOW BATTERY”

            Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the misses takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

          • I’ve just been hacking your phone and saw that.

            What I want to know is, who the hell are 999 CALLS ONLY, NO SIGNAL and OUT OF CREDIT?

  22. 62
    Margaret Moran is a cunt says:

    Dear Cancer

    Please find your way into Margaret Moran. Thanks.

  23. 65
    Gordon Brown says:

    I declare war on mouthwash.

  24. 66
    Gordon Brown says:

    I stuck my finger up my bum and now it’s gone all smelly hehehehehehe…

    • 70
      Rick Nobinson says:

      Three years ago that finger would have poked my eye out.

      • 72
        I don't need no doctor says:

        And how do you warrant your salary Nick?

      • 123
        Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

        Three years ago if Brown had stuck his finger up his arse he’s have poked Robinson’s arse, so far was he up Brown’s botty.

  25. 73
    Editor of the Star says:

    Guido, simple question……..

    do Rupert and his Thai partner have sex?

  26. 81
    Jobsworths' World says:

    Time to cash in folks, head for Barnet Council,
    where 47 employees got more than £100k in 2011.

    Just think what tomorrow could bring.

    Austerity, Cuts, don’t be silly, we’re on the Council now.

    Onwards and Upwards Comrades.

  27. 85
    • 89
      David Camoron (one-term PM) says:

      Oh gosh, crikey! If the Eurozone’s in trouble, I’d better increase your fuel duty and give even more money to the EU, eh, what what?

      (Seriously: you know I’m going to do this.)

      Toodle pip!

    • 90
      David Camoron (1-term PM) says:

      Oh gosh, crikey! If the Eurozone’s in trouble, I’d better increase your fuel duty and give even more money to the EU, eh, what what?

      (Seriously: you know I’m going to do this.)

      Toodle pip!

    • 100
      WVM says:

      Well I never, who’d of ever seen that coming!

    • 109
      Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

      I really don’t think that if the e ro/single currency loving socialist bore gets elected he will do anything to upset the e us’ sr. In fact he will do just the opposite and it’ll all be back to normal with the french/german love-in and ever closer union.

      • 113
        WVM says:

        Well lets say for the sake of any argument your right, he gets in and then U-turns on everything he’s said and shits all over the socialist twats that put him in.
        Who do you think will get in next time after the economic shit has hit the EU fan?

        • 142
          Pop, the weasel says:

          Merde alors! Or is that Mayor Delors? French never was my strong point.

    • 120
      Joe says:

      Pick your poison, this bust up is real.



      Merkel has her back against the wall with the German people, she will not allow the rest of Europe to fire up the euro printing press via the ECB and erode German savings, which are sizeable. Germans have a great fear of printing and this will be politically impossible for her to agree to. Also she’s is not prepared to renegotiate the European Union fiscal pact with Hollande either, as he wants to relax the rules and start borrowing his way out of debt again. You got to love those socialists, completely insane but totally predictable as ever.

      You can run away from reality but you can’t run away from the consequences of running away from reality.

      • 154
        Jane Birkin from Paris says:

        I think you will find a considerable difference between what President Hollande says and what he actually does.

        He has already been selected by the people who really run France and he will not cause them too many problems.

        He will sign that fiscal accord against some hogwosh about business loans from the ECB.

        Mark my words

  28. 86
    illogical says:

    Belated Happy Birthday Neo.

  29. 97
    Cheesypishflaps says:

    I’m addicted to brake fluid……………..I can stop anytime!

  30. 104
    Back to the past. says:

    I had thought Lord Adonis a reasonable chap until Any questions this evening. I have not heard such socialist shite pronounced on the BBC since the early 70s. The BBC scientifically selected audience loved him. What the fuck is going on?

    Having made that complaint I have to praise the BBC R4 for last week’s and this week’s more or less.

  31. 112
    Rent-a-Shrink says:

    Dear MPs,

    Our firm of psychiatrists offer a bespoke service to meet individual legal needs. If you require a diagnosis that recommends you’re mentally unfit to stand trial, we can provide your defence team with a full and detailed diagnosis that guarantees you’ll avoid standing trial.

    We have hundreds of satisfied customers. Just read our testimonials.

    “Rent-a-Shrink’s service was impeccable. Thanks to them, I’ve got away with stealing £22,000 from the taxpayer”.
    Mrs M. Moran

    Call us today for a no-obligations quote. We’re here to help.

    • 115
      certified a c*nt aunt says:

      Very generous appraisal- Just the 22000 pounds.
      The wiki page revals she made Eric Joyce look like a choir boy and got away with much more than that

  32. 121
    off topic says:

    Meanwhile in Danny Alexander’s constituency

    “HUNDREDS of locals in a once-prosperous seaside town are relying on food handouts to survive.

    Skint residents swamped by debt are depending on charity for their meals in Nairn.

    Blythswood Care — which runs a Highland food bank — said they had never seen such a high level of demand.”


    What do you reckond Danny?

    • 122
      Rich well off cunt says:

      Cheers for the tax cut, new Veyron supersport on order.

    • 148
      Hamish MacGiro says:

      It seems to be turning to s***e in Danny’s constituency and so far no comment to the press. Too busy enjoying London life? Safe Tory seat a little further down the road next time?

  33. 129
    not a machine says:

    Oh er the wheel nearly fell off labours economic narrative on R4any questions , ……..

  34. 132
    a friend says:

    Reckon U need 2 move on Guido. Sorry to say it but ur blog is looking tired.

  35. 134
    Anonymous says:

    hopefully the latest Guido missive will outline the facile relationship between the elites and the majority of the uk population. The elites who want for nothing, who can do anything and not be at all accountable versus the population who not only cause all the problems but are too stupid to know and need controlling 24/7.

    the elites don’t live in the same world anymore – they occupy the land of make believe. It’s about time they fell to earth and paid for their misdeeds. Are you listening Cameron? Are you listening Hunt? Are you listening Moran?

  36. 144
    Anonymous says:

  37. 145
    D L George says:

    In reply to something way, way up the page on postal fraud in Tower Hamlets…
    “Housing minister Grant Shapps urged police to consider deploying officers at polling stations to deter fraudsters next week.”

    Chr*st on a bike.

    1) T May can’t get legal dates right
    2) Hunt hides behind trees to avoid being connected with Murdochs
    3) Shapps wants police outside polling stations to prevent postal fraud.

    Current batch of Tories are making the shadow cabinet look like candidates for MENSA.

  38. 155
    A common or garden taxpayer says:

    My neice is getting married this summer.

    She has written to David Cameron Gordon Brown Tony Blair and John Major inviting them all to the wedding.

    Not one of them has replied!

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NHS Showdown Coming | Paul Goodman
Sons of Brown | Telegraph

Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Cathy Jamieson MP, Labour’s Shadow Treasury minister, commenting on Treasury analysis of the economic impact of tax changes…

“If the Treasury is looking at the economic impact of tax changes, then surely it should examine the impact of the rise in VAT and cuts to tax credits? George Osborne’s £12 billion VAT rise knocked confidence, helped to choke off the recovery and has cost families £1,350 over the last three years.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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