Friday Caption Contest (This Close Edition)
How Mervyn King Lost Bank Battle War | WSJ
BBC Corporation Tax Horror Story | IEA
Sally Bercow Judgement in Full | Mr Justice Tugendhat
Commies Blame Capitalism For Terror Attack | The Commentator
Lord Black v Press Regulation | Guardian
Osborne’s Complacency | FT
DWP’s Welfare Failings | Isabel Hardman
Get Used to Coalitions | David Aaronovitch
Woolwich a Showcase in the Banality of Evil | Fraser Nelson
The Enemy Within | Max Hastings
Muslim Led Military-Style Free School Needed | Toby Young
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Ed Balls stretches credulity by claiming he isn’t ambitious…
“I would love to be part of Ed’s Labour government but what I do next for me is not an all-consuming passion. I’m more bothered, in a personal sense, about getting to grade 8 piano by the time I’m 50.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
“A really small aircraft carrier”
…and that’s why they call it a ‘dirty trombone’.
and that’s how Fawkes hand shandies Desmond’s cock.
I was this close to tears myself
We came this close to not supporting your campaign…
May 3rd – Make Ken Cry!
Don’t worry, Ken- Guido’s Caption Contest is usually this funny.
There once was a loner called 8illy
Whose posts on here were quite silly
“I will be first to comment” he planned
But he sometime later got banned
So he plays in the booth with his willy
There once was a top bird called Botha
Reluctantly, she was a voter
She thought, “This is shit,
I’ll watch for a bit
Whilst guzzling ten-times my quota.”
Luvvy! Why did you not ask of me to take part in your little playlet?
I weally don’t look like a Duckbill Platypus at all!
Ed: “Mine’s so wide it will bring tears to your eyes”
Ken: “What a riddle”
Don’t worry Dave and Boy Blunder are on our side. There is not this much between us.
Milibrand to Red Ken:
” You are getting very….very sleepy….when I snap my fingers you will burst into tears and make me look good.”
listen ken the runble strip on this tearjerker gig is only this wide…
A very good meme, Ken’s a daft old sod. Perhaps instead of a prize Guido just sends a nice comfy pair of slippers to Ken. Livingstone, not Barlow.
The ring finger is the most important when it comes to choking the chic-ken.
You see that empty jug of water over there? That’s your swimming pool that is.
How can you have an empty jug of water?
The unions have me by the balls – like this.
it’s conceptual you muppet
Your nose is going to be this big tomorrow – eh? ……’cos it’s the Pinnochio effect Ken – how do you think mine got like this?
“I’m warning you, if you start blubbing again, I’ll poke your eyes out.”
This is the grip they use. McCluskey’s got me by it and Boris has got you by it.
Like it, m’lady.
Does that sign behind them really say ‘Better Off Ken’? What is it an advert for his tax adviser?
No, apologies, it is a typographic error. It was supposed to say “Bugger Off Ken”
+ plenty.
It’s a new Quango to oversee tax avoidance – it’s called OffKen
the winner
“Ken – I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘A Bacon of Islam?’”
The aircraft carrier paid by your taxes is this small, the aircraft carrier paid for by the rest of the country’s taxes is very far away…
OK Ken, you’ve crossed the c*nt threshold, by at least this much today….
I wrote a policy the other day it was this long , the effort made me cry too .
At an Addams family reunion, Thing reveals that it actually has an attached body
*this is how you do the choke hold from Star wars”
Fuck off you huhne – remember the warning you were given, and which you accepted, on 9 February 2011 – http://order-order.com/2011/02/09/comment-of-the-day/#comments
+1
-1
You get them by the balls Ken, then their hearts, minds and votes follow….
I should know, I am leader after all.
” and with the blue pill it gets this big…”
I reckon this is how big our pile of votes will be.
I say to you this: My brother’s brain is THIS big.
“and so this is how you do the Vulcan death grip”
“Here, I’ll poke you in the eyes Ken to make those tears more authentic”.
Honestly, his foreskin was this long!
“The neogotations will be short”
you think you’re hard? I’m going to crush your testicles until you cry…
“To get my voice this way, I have to jam a crayon this big inside”
Did you know that Ed Balls’ balls were that big? Well neither did I!
pair of wankers
“That’s nothing!. My Newt is this big.”
“This is how much of my shadow cabniat support me”
“So you just make this hand gesture and they start choking? How’s Vader by the way?”
Ken, Ken wait up – Remember
“Turkeys always vote for Christmas”
We can win this trust me I heard it on Newsnight back on 14th November 2003 “TURKEYS VOTING FOR CHRISTMAS!” serious … the BBC aired it; the worlds media heard it. It was BSkyB’s annual wotsit yeu know…
If you make London a ‘beacon of Islam’ in the next four years, Ken, this is how thick the armour on the athlete’s cars will need to be during the Olympics
Labour denies claims they photoshopped a glass of whisky out of Ed Milibands hand.
“Perhaps if you tell everyone your tax bill was this little bit bigger, this will get you off the hook!”
Sorry, Ken. Was that your newt, brain or penis size you were on about?
Gordon could do it much more menacingly, I feel I.m just faking it. What about you?
…and this is how much tax you *should* have paid…
If I squeeze like this you will cry
Your nose will soon be this big
You beat me to it, must be the winner.
SOrry – didn’t read your comment before I submitted mine.
IF YOU DON’T CRY ON CUE I’ll TWIST YOUR KNACKERS
Ed’s Arthur Atkinson impression fails to amuse…”Where’s me bowling ball… have ya seen it?”
It’s “Washboard” Ed.
Top political leaders in deeply meaningful discourse….
“Hey Ken, guess what this is. This is Sooty – naked !”
Ken, your chances of winning are about as real as this Rubix Cube I’m holding.
and then i’ll twist
“You were that far from pulling it off”
Honestly, until I stopped telling lies my nose was this long too.
Beat me to it, well done!
So What have I got if I have one moth ball in this hand and one in the other?
You’ll need a cut onion about this big.
” and then they gave me this pastry thing, and expected me to eat it, with my hands, Ken, with my bare hands…”
Wallace shows the Pilferring Ken-quin his latest cracking invention, The Tenuous Grasp on Politics
Are you sure about that?
Ed explains how to complete Rubic’s cube one-handed while Ken ponders how the fuck he got into this
Well that’s Mrs. Gilligan’s theory but who knows?
Bitter are we?
I think he will get an award for his expose of Ken.
Proper journalism – hated by the left.
That you Andrew?
Then you just tug forward and his throat pops out!
Warning: Some of the characters portrayed in the Labour Party are played by actors
Ed explains fisting technique
*Ken wonders how saying he wanted to come first got him into this conversation.*
Your nose will grow this long if you keep telling lies about your tax.
If you star crying again, watch my suit, its just dry cleaned.
Any more faking bawls and I’ll have your other ones!
“What’s that Ed?”
“A fake glass of champagne to celebrate you winning..”
“Ken I’d be worried, Pinnochio’s nose was this long after just one week of lying”.
” it’s called an off-spinner Ken”
I’m going to have to look that one up in Googly
Oh Yea of little wisden.
In Ed’s case (baseball fan, remember?) more like a screwball– which seems appropriate, don’t you think?
Your popularity is this much better than mine
“I am crushing your head! Crush! Crush! Crush! Crush! Look at your flat little head! I am crushing it!”
I’m gonna get all your farkin newts and I’m gonna…
So Justine grabbed me like this, quoted Guido Fawkes, and said it’s about bloody time I made an honest woman of her
Look Ken … If your Actors Union membership has lapsed that’s another thing we’re going to have to fake up.
The Fakir of London sits nonplussed by Eddie The Halfwit’s election strategy.
A slot for me on “PM” today. Good job they didn’t ask me about how much me, Neil and the boy pulled in last year!! LOL. The European Commission? – we love it.
‘….yeth, but Ken offthore family truthtth are a much more efficient method of tax avoidance…’
Keep going Ken, David thought he was this close.
“Thanks to my accountant I’m paying this much income tax”
I really can’t envisage you winning, but Boris will get you into Olympics…. selling ice cream at 100m final
“Give them a squeeze like this. I think that will help with the tears.”
are we going invade North Korea as well now?
hague, laughingly, threatening them again!!
Return to your planet – wherever it is.
Milliband: “I’m told had my foreskin not been sliced off, I could have stretched it this far!”
Red Ken: “Hmmm, I’m a complete prick . . .”
doesn’t anybody realise the tories have been in government for nealy 2 years and yet all we ever get is labourlist????
“Jesus Ken, anyone who watches Casualty will recognise most of those actors – it’s like someone has interviewed all the extras in Holby City’s waiting room”
Guido Fawkes is actually this big in real life.
“I have this amount of credibility in the eyes of the public, and unfortunately for you Ken, you have even less”.
“the electorate don’t realise THE CAKE IS A LIE!”
(The Cake is a Lie roughly translates to ‘your promised reward is merely a fictitious motivator’.)
That proposition is true
THE CAKE IS A LIE!
“Don’t worry we’ve got sheafs of photocopied postal votes this thick on stand-by”
Ooh, when I see that Boris I’m gonna squeeze his middle.
Ken, we couldn’t afford to buy the domain name ….we’re this much from financial meltdown at Millbank.
“Yes Ken, fully dilated it was this big.”
Don’t know what Ed is saying but Ken is clearly thinking
‘Fuck me, I’m bored’
Or ‘where’s my whisky’
Ken: do you think I have a chance?
Ed: thith wath your fineth hour…
Ken – look at my two fingers … what does it tell you?
No wonder you were crying Ken if it`s only as long as that. How on earth do you manage to get your women pregnant?
It’s no use staring into space, Ken.
Get a grip!
Aye. Ken couldn’t be more tuned out if he was listening to his i-Pod.
” It’s quite simple, Ken. If Boris wins we just strangle him.”
I can’t increase your campaign funding Ken I keep tell you there’s no money left, the party is skint! I mean we’re even having to photoshop the bloody champagne in later.
David reaches up to strangle brother.
We all do it Ken. It’s called lying.
How did I become Labour leader?
Well, I grabbed McCluskey’s shaft like this and, using my other hand I cradled his balls and then … well… that’s why I talk like I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth.
EM This is how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks with a banana..
KL We’ve done that.
Oi, Neo. What’s the prize?
Same as last week.
I’m going to try this, are you up for it Ed?
Second best!
Its dead easy for them to fake crying. They just have to think about what happens to them and their family if they don’t do it well enough.
This was the reaction in the streets of North Korea, when some people were told that Justin Beiber was shortly going to tour.
Don’t mock them. When Mandela kicks the bucket, many in the west will be trying to likewise out do each other with ridiculous displays of public grief.
Same goes for the Tories and their icon/personality cult, Maggie Thatcher.
Any more lies Ken and your schnozzle will grow by at least this much.
Ed annoyed and adenoids.
Miliband suggests Ken undergoes a small surgical procedure to gain public sympathy.
Escaped wallaby caught using huge fishing net.
It was this close Ken
My beloved loser brother David claims I’m only this big a dickhead!
When you started your campaign your credibility was a mile high, now it’s…
So from when we were small kids right up until last year, every time we’d play Stone-Paper-Scissors I’d put out my hand like this and then tell David I’d won.
Very, Very, Good.
Darth Miliband tries the Jedi mind trick to strangle Ken Livingstone.
Yup!
“Miliband says Labour ‘will not forget’ Bradford loss”
It was this close Ken, this close. Only 10,000 votes in it.
“you only had this much credibility in the first place” WTF were you thinking??!
“Well I’m rich, and I’m going to vote for you…”
Ed can’t even get ‘The Shocker’ right.
Let us face it Ken, we’re fucked – absolutely fucked – totally fucked – we have not been so fucked up since Kinnock tried to walk upon water. There is nowhere to fucking go – nowhere to fucking hide. This is such a clusterfuck that I’m actually considering joining the Tories – at least their policies are the same.
Love it.
Aung San Suu Kyi . Now that’s what i call a true politition.
The tax loophole was this big, but may family took a mile.
My bugle was that long before McCluskey said I would look more like a tough guy with it broken.
No, when a newt is any larger than this it’s technically a dragon – JK Rowling told me so herself when she gave all that cash to the Party and told Gordon how great he was!.
As Ed demonstrates his Vulcan death grip, Ken ponders how terrible he must be not to have ever been the Labour leader.
“You say the beacon’s going to be this big?”
Someone was clearly in a bad mood.
That’ll be Jeremy Clarkson arseing about again.
*laughs shrilly*
You all know who I am.
*drives off, thinking ‘If Ed gets to hear about this he will make me have that cock-transplant to improve my driving’.*
That’s quite impressive. I might buy one of those.
I think they call it a crash test.
I feel we all can sympathise with this gentleman’s predicament as we’ve all had the double the quote greasy monkey bill or the “it’s not coved by the warranty” line.
Good on him!
Apparently the reason he went berserk was because they made him wait 20 minutes to get his car.
Understandable.
They put me in a special hospital
They put me in a special hospital
that’s the last time the husband lets his wife reverse park.
Ed: “Harriet’s dick is this big”
F*ck this for a lark, Gromit. Let’s nip out for a quick half. No-one’ll notice, you could just make something up if they ask.
My tears were this big!
My cock is this round when roused!
Better Off Ken is not exactly the best campaign slogan for someone who avoids paying tax. Was the with purposely missed out Ken?
He certainly is!
And then she said, “if you do, and I notice, I will be very annoyed”.
Glorious leader Millibandit demonstrates to aged party apparatchik how socialists are now required to hold a champagne flute.
John Bercow actually got Sally to believe this was six inches, despite her numerous previous experiences, the Mans a genius
“So this would be…Boris?”
BBC Magazine Viewpoint: Alastair Campbell – why self-doubt is a good thing.
“Look Ken, animation is the key. Wallace and Gromit are the best thing that’s
ever happened to me, I would suggest “Ken the lying Tortoise”. It’ll work !
The thing is Ken that we can’t actually afford to pay for your election campaign.
We can’t afford to pay for the Birmingham mayoral campaign either. Or the by-elections caused by Liam Byrne and Gisella Stuart resigning.
What I’m telling you Ken is that there’s no money left. So you’ll have to win this election without any money from us and then embezzle as much cash as you can into the Labour party or we’re finished.
Ken: “Bollocks – keep your hands away from my money Ed, you’ve got plenty – bloody Socialists.”
Ed – “FOS RO DAH”
Ken – “hmm! – It doesn’t work in real life.”
Ed – “bit like our policies then”
Fake-Ken hell.
Ken thinks “I can’t believe we’re even paying this actor… who’s he supposed to be, anyway?”
Let’s face it Ken, Gilligan’s got you by the Yvette-Coopers!
“And this is how you should apply the Death Grip on Boris Johnson, Guido Fawkes, anyone dressed up as a chicken, or anyone else who questions your tax affairs Ken! I learnt that from the recent Star Trek convention I attended where everyone thought I was Bones McCoy’s love-child!”
very amusing
type “tom fatson” into google
It gets better.
Enter ‘tom twatson’
So the other reason I’m more popular than my brother is…
“Alas, poor David– I knew him, Ken, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy…”
Why isn’t that man under arrest?
What a twat!
Terribly bad taste.
He should be sacked for that alone.
And Luciana Berger actually shagged him. Pass the bucket.
It’s an invisible Rubik’s cube Ken, our financial problems are over.
OH Dear! Ken Livingstone avoided £77,790 tax over three years http://www.cityam.com/latest-news/livingstone-s-tax-savings-2011-estimated-75k#.T4ggpD9WK4M.twitter
That’s more than 2 years wages for a lot of people.
He’s scum.
The Barclay Brothers, proprietors of The Spectator and the Daily Telegraph, own the tax avoidance vehicle The Barclays Foundation. Lord Rothermere, proprietor of the Daily Mail, owns the tax avoidance vehicle the Rothermere Foundation. The Scott Trust Foundation and The Guardian Foundation are part of the tax avoidance vehicle of The Guardian. Richard Desmond, proprietor of the Express is also proprietor of the RD Crusaders foundation. So today Ken, we are whitewashing the motives of rich men who like to send their money abroad after paying no tax.
Desperate Dan, do you like cheese?
You forgot the Blair Witch Project or should that be the Which Blair Project- Tone seems to have a few organisations laundering these days
So, Ken, if you win – you’re saying you’ll rename the olympic torch the ‘Beacon of Islam’.
The Times newspaper is being sued by police blogger Richard Horton after the paper accessed his email account, lawyer Mark Lewis has said.
The paper revealed Mr Horton was the author of an award-winning anonymous blog entitled “NightJack” in 2009.
I thought Horton was a good bloke but if he’s got mixed up with Mark Lewis then he can’t be.
The Times buggered his career. Why shouldn’t he go for the dosh. And if Lewis can negotiate a good deal for him, good luck to him.
“No, Ken, the public don’t want to give you their vote. They want to grab you by the throat.”
“apparently this is how big Ed Balls’ is. Yvette had a few the other night and she started telling everyone”
There were this many postal voters for every house
The glass isn’t half full. It’s not even there.
Oooh look, an aircraft carrier.
If you wear the same tie as me again Ken I’ll have your balls placed in a vice and ——
Big Fat Gypsy Racecourse.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2129221/Aintree-Ladies-Day-Liverpools-finest-fillies-dress-impress-races.html
What has happened to fashion? No amount of fake tan can hide those dreadful tattoos.
Aintree Ladies Day? This lot look like they’re going to a night club!
It looked more like it was tranny day.
Keep telling lies Ken and it will grow this big.
At least Mel Gibson pays his taxes.
front page coverage for Ken at last
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/
You do realise that both our balls are in a vice?
Would you call that 6 inches?
“What about if we swap jobs Ken? We could be like Putin and Medvedev but in opposition”
I tell you Ken, Mandleson’s anus gapes like this….and he can fire an orange from it. It’s his party trick when he sucking up to bankers and the like. He came into politics comfortably well off now he is supe rich, you go figure.
Hahaha… and Prescott thinks his chipolata is this long on the slack.
Ed: “…then Gordon’s Nokia missed my ear by that much…”
Ken, “And caught you on the nose?”
Do you realise? They are going to be able to read all our emails! It’s outrageous!
“If you only lied this much ……………………………….”
“Well off course as you paid Emma £90k for her non job she is going to stretch the truth”
Has Denis McShane been charged yet?
Zee Claw!
After the surgery it was this long
What have I got in my hand ken? ken? ken? You awake?
Ed says, “Don’t cry too much, y’know, about this much’ll do… otherwise people will think your faking it.”
Ken replies, “They’ll be genuine tears, I’m amazed at how well I wrote this & the actors are brilliant!”
(“,)
I mean to say that that Cameron is bang out of order. He goes all the way to Burma and starts mouthing off in public about lifting EU sanctions.
I say its just not right. Speak about it behind closed doors OK and then go back and discuss it with the EU. But to just mouth off in public like that is not right. I dont know what imbeciles landed the British public with this guy.
Ok he has got a first but sometimes i wonder whether he can do joined up writing.
I’m this close to asking my big brother to beat you up.
Just do this Ken on your iphone screen and everything gets bigger!
This is your secret weapon to win the Mayorship?
Yes my wittle white wabbit called Harvey.
Wallace and Vomit
With apologies
Let’s just say you paid this much tax Ken, why bother with actual figures, no one in the labour party ever does.
Pssst!… now listen up Ken … The crystal ball says you’re going to have to go on a little trip – you can do a rendition of the tears when you get there. Bro Dave, Jack and Tony have organised it. Captain Kirk’s flying so there’s no vetting process. You’ll be incommunicado for a while mind .. but hey! its gotta be done to save the project. We’ve got you a nice single confined cell oops… I mean room at one of Cardiffs nicest prisons ooops … uugh ..aah Hotels. Don’t worry though it’s all covered. Up to you Wha’d ye say?
“His sphincter is this wide!”
Bro Ken and Wind Ed.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it took 26 of us to change the light bulb.
OO, ER!, Sum-mon-ed!, by ICO:
“The Information Commissioner’s Office (ICO) – independent advice and guidance about data protection and freedom of information” ???, Spot the basic conflict of interest in their mission statement anybody?.
Mr Christopher Graham (ICO Chief honcho) has no force in law – A ‘summons’.
Question its legality and validity at law. Got any problems contact a local Lay Legal Adviser / interpreter of their legalistic rhetorical jargon.
Cages rattling everywhere ….. especially in the snake pit of the judicials no doubt.
Do they actually have the power to summon people?
Just out of control pomposity no doubt, then wait and see if anybody is stupid enough to turn up, as in, I summoned my window cleaner wot missed a bit.
Guido, presumably they will pay your expenses. There are a few reasonable restaurants just down the road from Wilmslow in Alderley Edge, one of which serves a nice Lobster and Chips @ £32.
Or try the Alderley Edge Hotel for a bit more luxury. A bottle of Chateau Cheval Blanc 1er Cru 1999 @ £750.00 should go down nicely. As taxpayers you can have this one on us.
As we have seen (Leveson) Guido does not qualify for attendance allowance unlike everybody else because he is a subversive blogger, the most he could hope for would be a day rider bus ticket and a voucher for a sandwich at Greggs.
Livingstone BLANKS over tax avoidance row.
Ed: could it be ‘quits’?
Darth Milliband: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
More tears Gromit?
When Ken asked for advice on spin he hadn’t expected a lecture on “How To Bowl The Doosra”.
“Don’t worry, the postal votes will be this deep……..”
Deva-Deep?.
My cock is as long as your tax bill.
This is how close the world was to seeing my tax return, thanks to you.
“And when I caught the newt, it was this big; do you know what I then did to it?”
Ed: It wath thith wide, I thwear!
Ken: so that’s why he’s winning…
Taken just before Ken bursts into tears, his Leader demonstrates the Japanese Ball Stranglehold he uses on the Shadow Chancellor
Ed “That’s how far I am away from slappin you son. I mean it. One more f**k up and I’ll do time for you, swear to Gawd”
I suggest thsi is hw long the trails of tears should be
Ed consoles Ken by saying ‘Don’t cry Ken, with the penis enhancing gel, my winky grew to this size. Magic.
Ed: This is how much I care about the fucking people of London
so when I squeeze, you start crying…
Look Ken the gap between you and boris is this big but next week with your continuing lies and evasions it will be 100 times bigger.
“Maybe you could pay just a liiiitle bit of tax?”
winner
Your chances of winning this election are much less than this …….
Ed was disappointed after watching Star Wars to discover he could not use the force to choke Ken.
Ed: Sort it out Ken or I’m going to put Kevin Maguire in charge of your campaing. He’s connected to the Union Mafia brothers ‘know wot I mean’ Ken. D ‘ye nae Ken Ken…
“When your nose gets bigger than this, then you’ve lost any chance of winning….”
Lord Milivader: “I find your lack of tears disturbing”
‘…….and this is my invisible I-Phone APP’
Wrong Galloway stragegy. Get your bookie odds down to 10-1 or longer, co-ordinate the placing of bets with the students and others and you are in.
And now you’ve gripped it, wave it about, and shout “Loadsamoney”!
‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a professional at it. So please continue!!’
“Harriet says that unless you’re bigger than this you have no chance”
but seriously though, which one of us do people hate more?
“So I performed my force grip on Dave at the last PMQs but all I managed to do was soil myself.”
“And thath why she calls me Justin” !
I love the sign at the back ! “Better off Ken ”
He would be wouldn’t he , He doesn’t pay his fuckin taxes !
I find your lack of faith disturbing
honest thats the size of alex salmond’s wee jock cock!
I once caught a newt and it was this big
How the f*ck does Handycock pull all these teenagers when we all know that he only has two and a half inches?
“You’re a f***ing liar”!
They’ve got you right here.
And you would weep to if your cock was only this big !
So, if I channel the payments through a shelf company, I only pay _this_ much tax?
how honest have you been this week Ed?
I say this to you: the media have ripped you a new one this wide o ver your tax affair
For fucks sake Ken all that Londoners want is somoeone who will make sure the bins are emptied, the tube works and the roads are open.
They dont wont a load of old pony about Jews Muslims and the tax system.
When I was a boy conkers were this big —— shows how the world has changed!
Ken: When I was a boy you didn’t have to declare your earnings !!!