April 13th, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (This Close Edition)


303 Comments

  1. 1
    David R says:

    “A really small aircraft carrier”

  2. 2
    Me says:

    *this is how you do the choke hold from Star wars”

  3. 3
    Penfold says:

    You get them by the balls Ken, then their hearts, minds and votes follow….

    I should know, I am leader after all.

  4. 4
    Me says:

    ” and with the blue pill it gets this big…”

  5. 5
    Mike Litorus says:

    I reckon this is how big our pile of votes will be.

  6. 6
    Jason Cobb says:

    I say to you this: My brother’s brain is THIS big.

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    “and so this is how you do the Vulcan death grip”

  8. 8
    Lizzle says:

    “Here, I’ll poke you in the eyes Ken to make those tears more authentic”.

  9. 9
    Dick the Prick says:

    Honestly, his foreskin was this long!

  10. 10
    Me says:

    “The neogotations will be short”

  11. 11
    Johan says:

    you think you’re hard? I’m going to crush your testicles until you cry…

  12. 12
    Mike Litorus says:

    “To get my voice this way, I have to jam a crayon this big inside”

  13. 13
    Farquhar Hardt says:

    Did you know that Ed Balls’ balls were that big? Well neither did I!

  14. 14
    hh says:

    pair of wankers

  15. 15
    rightpoliticsnow says:

    “That’s nothing!. My Newt is this big.”

  16. 16
    Me says:

    “This is how much of my shadow cabniat support me”

  17. 17
    icode86 says:

    “So you just make this hand gesture and they start choking? How’s Vader by the way?”

  18. 18

    If you make London a ‘beacon of Islam’ in the next four years, Ken, this is how thick the armour on the athlete’s cars will need to be during the Olympics

  19. 19
    IanVisits says:

    Labour denies claims they photoshopped a glass of whisky out of Ed Milibands hand.

  20. 20
    Anonymous says:

    “Perhaps if you tell everyone your tax bill was this little bit bigger, this will get you off the hook!”

  21. 21
    hojoger says:

    Sorry, Ken. Was that your newt, brain or penis size you were on about?

  22. 22
    Sniper says:

    Gordon could do it much more menacingly, I feel I.m just faking it. What about you?

  23. 23
    Andrew Lamberty says:

    …and this is how much tax you *should* have paid…

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    If I squeeze like this you will cry

  25. 25
    Sod the Eds says:

    Your nose will soon be this big

  26. 26
    Anonymous says:

    IF YOU DON’T CRY ON CUE I’ll TWIST YOUR KNACKERS

  27. 27
    Anonymous says:

    Ed’s Arthur Atkinson impression fails to amuse…”Where’s me bowling ball… have ya seen it?”

    It’s “Washboard” Ed.

  28. 28
    smoggie says:

    Top political leaders in deeply meaningful discourse….

    “Hey Ken, guess what this is. This is Sooty – naked !”

  29. 29
    Andy N says:

    Ken, your chances of winning are about as real as this Rubix Cube I’m holding.

  30. 30
    Anonymous says:

    and then i’ll twist

  31. 31
    Ah! Monika says:

    “You were that far from pulling it off”

  32. 32
    anal beast says:

    Honestly, until I stopped telling lies my nose was this long too.

  33. 33
    thedukeofhunslet says:

    …and that’s why they call it a ‘dirty trombone’.

  34. 34
    Steve Miliband says:

    So What have I got if I have one moth ball in this hand and one in the other?

  35. 35
    Anonymous says:

    You’ll need a cut onion about this big.

  36. 36
    The Queen of Tonga says:

    ” and then they gave me this pastry thing, and expected me to eat it, with my hands, Ken, with my bare hands…”

  37. 37
    Heisenberg 923 says:

    Wallace shows the Pilferring Ken-quin his latest cracking invention, The Tenuous Grasp on Politics

  38. 38
    Turbo mule says:

    Ed explains how to complete Rubic’s cube one-handed while Ken ponders how the fuck he got into this

  39. 39
    Jimmy says:

    Well that’s Mrs. Gilligan’s theory but who knows?

  40. 40
    George Laird says:

    Then you just tug forward and his throat pops out!

  41. 41
    Steve Miliband says:

    Warning: Some of the characters portrayed in the Labour Party are played by actors

  42. 42
    Selohesra says:

    Ed explains fisting technique

  43. 43
    Mrs Hyacinths Bucket says:

    Your nose will grow this long if you keep telling lies about your tax.

  44. 44
    George Laird says:

    If you star crying again, watch my suit, its just dry cleaned.

  45. 45
    The Truth Hurts says:

    Milibrand to Red Ken:

    ” You are getting very….very sleepy….when I snap my fingers you will burst into tears and make me look good.”

  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    Any more faking bawls and I’ll have your other ones!

  47. 47
    NeverRed says:

    You beat me to it, must be the winner.

  48. 48
    Mi8 never late says:

    listen ken the runble strip on this tearjerker gig is only this wide…

  49. 49
    I Squiggle says:

    “What’s that Ed?”

    “A fake glass of champagne to celebrate you winning..”

  50. 50
    Ed Lithper-Kant says:

    “Ken I’d be worried, Pinnochio’s nose was this long after just one week of lying”.

  51. 51
    Ah! Monika says:

    ” it’s called an off-spinner Ken”

  52. 52
    Cyrano de Miliband says:

    Beat me to it, well done!

  53. 53
    compulsory homosexual indoctrination for 4 yr olds in UK schools says:

    and that’s how Fawkes hand shandies Desmond’s cock.

  54. 54
    Tayto says:

    Your popularity is this much better than mine

  55. 55
    On Harman Pride's Dossier says:

    “I am crushing your head! Crush! Crush! Crush! Crush! Look at your flat little head! I am crushing it!”

  56. 56
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    I’m gonna get all your farkin newts and I’m gonna…

  57. 57
    Reverend Irreverent says:

    So Justine grabbed me like this, quoted Guido Fawkes, and said it’s about bloody time I made an honest woman of her

  58. 58
    Steve Miliband says:

    I’m going to have to look that one up in Googly

  59. 59

    I was this close to tears myself

  60. 60
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    A very good meme, Ken’s a daft old sod. Perhaps instead of a prize Guido just sends a nice comfy pair of slippers to Ken. Livingstone, not Barlow.

  61. 61
    Ah! Monika says:

    Are you sure about that?

  62. 62
    blowingWhistles says:

    Look Ken … If your Actors Union membership has lapsed that’s another thing we’re going to have to fake up.

  63. 63
    Loungelizard says:

    The Fakir of London sits nonplussed by Eddie The Halfwit’s election strategy.

  64. 64
    Mrs Kinnoch says:

    A slot for me on “PM” today. Good job they didn’t ask me about how much me, Neil and the boy pulled in last year!! LOL. The European Commission? – we love it.

  65. 65
    Steve Miliband says:

    ‘….yeth, but Ken offthore family truthtth are a much more efficient method of tax avoidance…’

  66. 66
    Ah! Monika says:

    Keep going Ken, David thought he was this close.

  67. 67
    Sizzla says:

    “Thanks to my accountant I’m paying this much income tax”

  68. 68
    George Laird says:

    I really can’t envisage you winning, but Boris will get you into Olympics…. selling ice cream at 100m final

  69. 69
    Gunnersaurus says:

    “Give them a squeeze like this. I think that will help with the tears.”

  70. 70
    anonymous says:

    are we going invade North Korea as well now?

    hague, laughingly, threatening them again!!

  71. 71
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    Milliband: “I’m told had my foreskin not been sliced off, I could have stretched it this far!”

    Red Ken: “Hmmm, I’m a complete prick . . .”

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    doesn’t anybody realise the tories have been in government for nealy 2 years and yet all we ever get is labourlist????

  73. 73

    “Jesus Ken, anyone who watches Casualty will recognise most of those actors – it’s like someone has interviewed all the extras in Holby City’s waiting room”

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    Guido Fawkes is actually this big in real life.

  75. 75
    Dorian Smith says:

    “I have this amount of credibility in the eyes of the public, and unfortunately for you Ken, you have even less”.

  76. 76
    gamer geek says:

    “the electorate don’t realise THE CAKE IS A LIE!”

    (The Cake is a Lie roughly translates to ‘your promised reward is merely a fictitious motivator’.)

  77. 77
    The Stilton Eater says:

    “Don’t worry we’ve got sheafs of photocopied postal votes this thick on stand-by”

  78. 78
    Chicken Jimmyranga says:

    Ooh, when I see that Boris I’m gonna squeeze his middle.

  79. 79
    Jimmy Fox says:

    Ken, we couldn’t afford to buy the domain name ….we’re this much from financial meltdown at Millbank.

  80. 80
    ToonBob... says:

    “Yes Ken, fully dilated it was this big.”

  81. 81
    Martin says:

    Don’t know what Ed is saying but Ken is clearly thinking

    ‘Fuck me, I’m bored’

  82. 82
    Raving Loon says:

    Ken: do you think I have a chance?

    Ed: thith wath your fineth hour…

  83. 83
    Ah! Monika says:

    That proposition is true

  84. 84
    blowingWhistles says:

    Ken – look at my two fingers … what does it tell you?

  85. 85
    Check Facts first says:

    No wonder you were crying Ken if it`s only as long as that. How on earth do you manage to get your women pregnant?

  86. 86
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    It’s no use staring into space, Ken.

    Get a grip!

  87. 87
    Philip McArthur says:

    ” It’s quite simple, Ken. If Boris wins we just strangle him.”

  88. 88
    WVM says:

    I can’t increase your campaign funding Ken I keep tell you there’s no money left, the party is skint! I mean we’re even having to photoshop the bloody champagne in later.

  89. 89
    Jeffrey Bernard says:

    Ed: “Mine’s so wide it will bring tears to your eyes”
    Ken: “What a riddle”

  90. 90
    Mr Natural says:

    David reaches up to strangle brother.

  91. 91
    Ah! Monika says:

    We all do it Ken. It’s called lying.

  92. 92
    jgm2 says:

    How did I become Labour leader?

    Well, I grabbed McCluskey’s shaft like this and, using my other hand I cradled his balls and then … well… that’s why I talk like I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth.

  93. 93
    Smig says:

    The ring finger is the most important when it comes to choking the chic-ken.

  94. 94
    jgm2 says:

    Aye. Ken couldn’t be more tuned out if he was listening to his i-Pod.

  95. 95

    EM This is how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks with a banana..

    KL We’ve done that.

  96. 96
    Ah! Monika says:

    Oi, Neo. What’s the prize?

  97. 97
    Ken says:

    I’m going to try this, are you up for it Ed?

  98. 98
    Loungelizard says:

    Any more lies Ken and your schnozzle will grow by at least this much.

  99. 99
    Ah! Monika says:

    Escaped wallaby caught using huge fishing net.

    It was this close Ken

  100. 100
    Liarpoliticians says:

    My beloved loser brother David claims I’m only this big a dickhead!

  101. 101
    Ah! Monika says:

    Second best!

  102. 102
    Ghost of Greg Stone says:

    When you started your campaign your credibility was a mile high, now it’s…

  103. 103
  104. 104
    Polly Seewonk says:

    So from when we were small kids right up until last year, every time we’d play Stone-Paper-Scissors I’d put out my hand like this and then tell David I’d won.

  105. 105
    Liarpoliticians says:

    Darth Miliband tries the Jedi mind trick to strangle Ken Livingstone.

  106. 106
    Smig says:

    You see that empty jug of water over there? That’s your swimming pool that is.

  107. 107
    Two Fake Fuckers Forging Fatuous Fallacies says:

    Yup!

  108. 108
    Ah! Monika says:

    “Miliband says Labour ‘will not forget’ Bradford loss”

    It was this close Ken, this close. Only 10,000 votes in it.

  109. 109
    Owen Jones says:

    “you only had this much credibility in the first place” WTF were you thinking??!

  110. 110
    Ivor Tapeworm says:

    “I’m warning you, if you start blubbing again, I’ll poke your eyes out.”

  111. 111
    JH says:

    “Well I’m rich, and I’m going to vote for you…”

  112. 112
    Pox Vopuli says:

    Ed can’t even get ‘The Shocker’ right.

  113. 113
    Anonymous says:

  114. 114
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Its dead easy for them to fake crying. They just have to think about what happens to them and their family if they don’t do it well enough.

  115. 115
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    We came this close to not supporting your campaign…

  116. 116
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    This is the grip they use. McCluskey’s got me by it and Boris has got you by it.

  117. 117

    Let us face it Ken, we’re fucked – absolutely fucked – totally fucked – we have not been so fucked up since Kinnock tried to walk upon water. There is nowhere to fucking go – nowhere to fucking hide. This is such a clusterfuck that I’m actually considering joining the Tories – at least their policies are the same.

  118. 118
    not an entry says:

    Aung San Suu Kyi . Now that’s what i call a true politition.

  119. 119
    The teardrop implodes says:

    The tax loophole was this big, but may family took a mile.

  120. 120
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    My bugle was that long before McCluskey said I would look more like a tough guy with it broken.

  121. 121
    Steve Miliband says:

    Or ‘where’s my whisky’

  122. 122
    Polly Seewonk says:

    No, when a newt is any larger than this it’s technically a dragon – JK Rowling told me so herself when she gave all that cash to the Party and told Gordon how great he was!.

  123. 123

    As Ed demonstrates his Vulcan death grip, Ken ponders how terrible he must be not to have ever been the Labour leader.

  124. 124
    Hants Chris says:

    “You say the beacon’s going to be this big?”

  125. 125
    Russian doctor smashes up car showroom says:

  126. 126
    Harman says:

    Ed: “Harriet’s dick is this big”

  127. 127
    The Wrong Trouserers says:

    F*ck this for a lark, Gromit. Let’s nip out for a quick half. No-one’ll notice, you could just make something up if they ask.

  128. 128
    The voice of unreason says:

    My tears were this big!

  129. 129
    Russian doctor smashes up car showroom says:

    Someone was clearly in a bad mood.

  130. 130
    Bloke on right says:

    My cock is this round when roused!

  131. 131
    Teddyband says:

    Better Off Ken is not exactly the best campaign slogan for someone who avoids paying tax. Was the with purposely missed out Ken?

  132. 132
    re Back ground notice - 'BETTER OFF KEN' says:

    He certainly is!

  133. 133

    And then she said, “if you do, and I notice, I will be very annoyed”.

  134. 134
    Maximus says:

    Glorious leader Millibandit demonstrates to aged party apparatchik how socialists are now required to hold a champagne flute.

  135. 135
    Aaron D Highside says:

    Like it, m’lady.

  136. 136
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    This was the reaction in the streets of North Korea, when some people were told that Justin Beiber was shortly going to tour.

  137. 137

    Very, Very, Good.

  138. 138
    jgm2 says:

    That’ll be Jeremy Clarkson arseing about again.

  139. 139
    jgm2 says:

    Love it.

  140. 140

    Return to your planet – wherever it is.

  141. 141
    Grumpy old bumburp says:

    John Bercow actually got Sally to believe this was six inches, despite her numerous previous experiences, the Mans a genius

  142. 142
    Toby Lloyd says:

    “So this would be…Boris?”

  143. 143
    No joke. This is for real says:

    BBC Magazine Viewpoint: Alastair Campbell – why self-doubt is a good thing.

  144. 144
    Gonk says:

    “Look Ken, animation is the key. Wallace and Gromit are the best thing that’s
    ever happened to me, I would suggest “Ken the lying Tortoise”. It’ll work !

  145. 145
    jgm2 says:

    The thing is Ken that we can’t actually afford to pay for your election campaign.

    We can’t afford to pay for the Birmingham mayoral campaign either. Or the by-elections caused by Liam Byrne and Gisella Stuart resigning.

    What I’m telling you Ken is that there’s no money left. So you’ll have to win this election without any money from us and then embezzle as much cash as you can into the Labour party or we’re finished.

  146. 146
    gamer geek says:

    Ed – “FOS RO DAH”

    Ken – “hmm! – It doesn’t work in real life.”

    Ed – “bit like our policies then”

  147. 147
    jgm2 says:

    Fake-Ken hell.

  148. 148
    Ben says:

    Ken thinks “I can’t believe we’re even paying this actor… who’s he supposed to be, anyway?”

  149. 149
    Ian E says:

    Let’s face it Ken, Gilligan’s got you by the Yvette-Coopers!

  150. 150
    Peter Grant says:

    “And this is how you should apply the Death Grip on Boris Johnson, Guido Fawkes, anyone dressed up as a chicken, or anyone else who questions your tax affairs Ken! I learnt that from the recent Star Trek convention I attended where everyone thought I was Bones McCoy’s love-child!”

  151. 151
    Nat Coombs says:

    In Ed’s case (baseball fan, remember?) more like a screwball– which seems appropriate, don’t you think?

  152. 152
    The Welfare State must die says:

    May 3rd – Make Ken Cry!

  153. 153
    Dudley Zoo says:

    very amusing

    type “tom fatson” into google

  154. 154
    Ed Milibanned says:

    Don’t worry, Ken- Guido’s Caption Contest is usually this funny.

  155. 155
    miami mike says:

    So the other reason I’m more popular than my brother is…

  156. 156
    Ed Sillyband says:

    “Alas, poor David– I knew him, Ken, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy…”

  157. 157
    JH says:

    It gets better.

    Enter ‘tom twatson’
    :)

  158. 158
    i want to be mair of Birningham says:

  159. 159
    Loungelizard says:

    It’s an invisible Rubik’s cube Ken, our financial problems are over.

  160. 160
  161. 161
    Desperate Dan says:

    The Barclay Brothers, proprietors of The Spectator and the Daily Telegraph, own the tax avoidance vehicle The Barclays Foundation. Lord Rothermere, proprietor of the Daily Mail, owns the tax avoidance vehicle the Rothermere Foundation. The Scott Trust Foundation and The Guardian Foundation are part of the tax avoidance vehicle of The Guardian. Richard Desmond, proprietor of the Express is also proprietor of the RD Crusaders foundation. So today Ken, we are whitewashing the motives of rich men who like to send their money abroad after paying no tax.

  162. 162
    Sophie says:

    Bitter are we?

    I think he will get an award for his expose of Ken.

    Proper journalism – hated by the left.

  163. 163
    Charioteer of Fire says:

    So, Ken, if you win – you’re saying you’ll rename the olympic torch the ‘Beacon of Islam’.

  164. 164
    Ah! Monika says:

    The Times newspaper is being sued by police blogger Richard Horton after the paper accessed his email account, lawyer Mark Lewis has said.

    The paper revealed Mr Horton was the author of an award-winning anonymous blog entitled “NightJack” in 2009.

  165. 165
    spoiler says:

    Desperate Dan, do you like cheese?

  166. 166
    Drunk says:

    “No, Ken, the public don’t want to give you their vote. They want to grab you by the throat.”

  167. 167
    Jimmy says:

    That you Andrew?

  168. 168
    mark says:

    “apparently this is how big Ed Balls’ is. Yvette had a few the other night and she started telling everyone”

  169. 169
    Pocket Borough says:

    There were this many postal voters for every house

  170. 170
    Judge Dreadful says:

    Why isn’t that man under arrest?

  171. 171
    Harridan H says:

    *laughs shrilly*

    You all know who I am.

    *drives off, thinking ‘If Ed gets to hear about this he will make me have that cock-transplant to improve my driving’.*

  172. 172
    Ken LiveScum says:

    The glass isn’t half full. It’s not even there.

  173. 173
    Ha says:

  174. 174
    Sylvio says:

    If you wear the same tie as me again Ken I’ll have your balls placed in a vice and ——

  175. 175
    A Learner says:

    That’s quite impressive. I might buy one of those.

  176. 176
  177. 177
    The Watson Watcher. says:

    Keep telling lies Ken and it will grow this big.

  178. 178
    Ken is just one of many liars in the Labour Party says:

    Oooh look, an aircraft carrier.

  179. 179
    Polly Seewonk says:

    Ken: “Bollocks – keep your hands away from my money Ed, you’ve got plenty – bloody Socialists.”

  180. 180
    heir to blair says:

    At least Mel Gibson pays his taxes.

  181. 181
    a non says:

    Oh Yea of little wisden.

  182. 182
    Political Correction for Dummies part 5 "The Talk" says:

  183. 183
    Ah! Monika says:

    I think they call it a crash test.

  184. 184
    Joe says:

    What a twat!

  185. 185
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Terribly bad taste.

    He should be sacked for that alone.

  186. 186
    Desperate Dan says:

    I thought Horton was a good bloke but if he’s got mixed up with Mark Lewis then he can’t be.

  187. 187
    Polly Seewonk says:

    *Ken wonders how saying he wanted to come first got him into this conversation.*

  188. 188
    Ah! Monika says:

    front page coverage for Ken at last

    http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/

  189. 189
    gamer geek says:

    THE CAKE IS A LIE!

  190. 190
    WVM says:

    I feel we all can sympathise with this gentleman’s predicament as we’ve all had the double the quote greasy monkey bill or the “it’s not coved by the warranty” line.

    Good on him!

  191. 191
    a non says:

    Ed annoyed and adenoids.
    Miliband suggests Ken undergoes a small surgical procedure to gain public sympathy.

  192. 192
    Jon Rosenberg says:

    You do realise that both our balls are in a vice?

  193. 193
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    What has happened to fashion? No amount of fake tan can hide those dreadful tattoos.

    Aintree Ladies Day? This lot look like they’re going to a night club!

  194. 194
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    That’s more than 2 years wages for a lot of people.

    He’s scum.

  195. 195
    alexei says:

    They put me in a special hospital
    They put me in a special hospital

  196. 196
    Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

    Would you call that 6 inches?

  197. 197
    Realist says:

    “What about if we swap jobs Ken? We could be like Putin and Medvedev but in opposition”

  198. 198
    John Hutton, the one true prophet, says:

    Does that sign behind them really say ‘Better Off Ken’? What is it an advert for his tax adviser?

  199. 199
    David laws Lib Dem fiddler says:

    Don’t worry Dave and Boy Blunder are on our side. There is not this much between us.

  200. 200
    Russian doctor smashes up car showroom says:

    Apparently the reason he went berserk was because they made him wait 20 minutes to get his car.

    Understandable.

  201. 201
    Do The Math says:

    I tell you Ken, Mandleson’s anus gapes like this….and he can fire an orange from it. It’s his party trick when he sucking up to bankers and the like. He came into politics comfortably well off now he is supe rich, you go figure.

  202. 202
    Joe says:

    Hahaha… and Prescott thinks his chipolata is this long on the slack.

  203. 203
    Cherie Oh says:

    You forgot the Blair Witch Project or should that be the Which Blair Project- Tone seems to have a few organisations laundering these days

  204. 204
    Polly Seewonk says:

    Ed: “…then Gordon’s Nokia missed my ear by that much…”

    Ken, “And caught you on the nose?”

  205. 205

    Do you realise? They are going to be able to read all our emails! It’s outrageous!

  206. 206
    legal crook says:

    “If you only lied this much ……………………………….”

  207. 207
  208. 208
    legal crook says:

    “Well off course as you paid Emma £90k for her non job she is going to stretch the truth”

  209. 209
    Sion, then Chucky, who's next for Luci? says:

    And Luciana Berger actually shagged him. Pass the bucket.

  210. 210
    Ah! Monika says:

    The Times buggered his career. Why shouldn’t he go for the dosh. And if Lewis can negotiate a good deal for him, good luck to him.

  211. 211
    Disco Biscuit says:

    How can you have an empty jug of water?

  212. 212
    Desperate Dan says:

    Has Denis McShane been charged yet?

  213. 213
    Hava Nagila says:

    Zee Claw!

  214. 214
    Anonymous says:

    After the surgery it was this long

  215. 215
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    What have I got in my hand ken? ken? ken? You awake?

  216. 216
    Roger Bacon (and with THAT lot, you would!) says:

  217. 217
    Alexander says:

    Ed says, “Don’t cry too much, y’know, about this much’ll do… otherwise people will think your faking it.”
    Ken replies, “They’ll be genuine tears, I’m amazed at how well I wrote this & the actors are brilliant!”

    (“,)

  218. 218
    A pragmatist says:

    Luvvy! Why did you not ask of me to take part in your little playlet?

  219. 219
    A pragmatist says:

    The unions have me by the balls – like this.

  220. 220
    Tony Eden from Eton says:

    I mean to say that that Cameron is bang out of order. He goes all the way to Burma and starts mouthing off in public about lifting EU sanctions.

    I say its just not right. Speak about it behind closed doors OK and then go back and discuss it with the EU. But to just mouth off in public like that is not right. I dont know what imbeciles landed the British public with this guy.

    Ok he has got a first but sometimes i wonder whether he can do joined up writing.

  221. 221
    OnTablets says:

    Fuck off you huhne – remember the warning you were given, and which you accepted, on 9 February 2011 – http://order-order.com/2011/02/09/comment-of-the-day/#comments

  222. 222
    Aristander of Telmissus says:

    I’m this close to asking my big brother to beat you up.

  223. 223
    Mr Milibean Explains..... says:

    Just do this Ken on your iphone screen and everything gets bigger!

  224. 224
    A pragmatist says:

    This is your secret weapon to win the Mayorship?

    Yes my wittle white wabbit called Harvey.

  225. 225
    Anonymous says:

    Wallace and Vomit

    With apologies

  226. 226
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Let’s just say you paid this much tax Ken, why bother with actual figures, no one in the labour party ever does.

  227. 227
    blowingWhistles says:

    Pssst!… now listen up Ken … The crystal ball says you’re going to have to go on a little trip – you can do a rendition of the tears when you get there. Bro Dave, Jack and Tony have organised it. Captain Kirk’s flying so there’s no vetting process. You’ll be incommunicado for a while mind .. but hey! its gotta be done to save the project. We’ve got you a nice single confined cell oops… I mean room at one of Cardiffs nicest prisons ooops … uugh ..aah Hotels. Don’t worry though it’s all covered. Up to you Wha’d ye say?

  228. 228
    Chris Bryant says:

    “His sphincter is this wide!”

  229. 229
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Bro Ken and Wind Ed.

  230. 230
    annette curton says:

    Anyway, to cut a long story short, it took 26 of us to change the light bulb.

  231. 231
    Naughty Guido says:

  232. 232
    The Missing Words Round says:

    Livingstone BLANKS over tax avoidance row.

    Ed: could it be ‘quits’?

  233. 233
    Linotype operator, basking in the nostalgia of ancient printing processes says:

    No, apologies, it is a typographic error. It was supposed to say “Bugger Off Ken”

  234. 234
    annette curton says:

    OO, ER!, Sum-mon-ed!, by ICO:
    “The Information Commissioner’s Office (ICO) – independent advice and guidance about data protection and freedom of information” ???, Spot the basic conflict of interest in their mission statement anybody?.

  235. 235
    AC1 says:

    Darth Milliband: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

  236. 236
    AC1 says:

    More tears Gromit?

  237. 237
    Sir William Waad says:

    When Ken asked for advice on spin he hadn’t expected a lecture on “How To Bowl The Doosra”.

  238. 238
    Sir William Waad says:

    Do they actually have the power to summon people?

  239. 239
    Sir William Waad says:

    “Ken – I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘A Bacon of Islam?'”

  240. 240
    AC1 says:

    It looked more like it was tranny day.

  241. 241
    blowingWhistles says:

    Mr Christopher Graham (ICO Chief honcho) has no force in law – A ‘summons’.
    Question its legality and validity at law. Got any problems contact a local Lay Legal Adviser / interpreter of their legalistic rhetorical jargon.

    Cages rattling everywhere ….. especially in the snake pit of the judicials no doubt.

  242. 242
    me says:

    “Don’t worry, the postal votes will be this deep……..”

  243. 243
    Anonymous says:

    +1

  244. 244
    Ed Minibrain says:

    My cock is as long as your tax bill.

  245. 245
    Come On, Just saying, Only me, Winning, Peter Hain...DUEMA Champ, I did, other funny monkiers etc ! says:

    There once was a loner called 8illy
    Whose posts on here were quite silly
    “I will be first to comment” he planned
    But he sometime later got banned
    So he plays in the booth with his willy

  246. 246
    annette curton says:

    Just out of control pomposity no doubt, then wait and see if anybody is stupid enough to turn up, as in, I summoned my window cleaner wot missed a bit.

  247. 247
    AC1 says:

    that’s the last time the husband lets his wife reverse park.

  248. 248
    annette curton says:

    Deva-Deep?.

  249. 249
    Julian says:

    This is how close the world was to seeing my tax return, thanks to you.

  250. 250
    Grrr says:

    “And when I caught the newt, it was this big; do you know what I then did to it?”

  251. 251
    Anonymous says:

    -1

  252. 252
    Ah! Monika says:

    Guido, presumably they will pay your expenses. There are a few reasonable restaurants just down the road from Wilmslow in Alderley Edge, one of which serves a nice Lobster and Chips @ £32.
    Or try the Alderley Edge Hotel for a bit more luxury. A bottle of Chateau Cheval Blanc 1er Cru 1999 @ £750.00 should go down nicely. As taxpayers you can have this one on us.

  253. 253
    Raving Loon says:

    Ed: It wath thith wide, I thwear!

    Ken: so that’s why he’s winning…

  254. 254
    Ed Millipede Support Committee says:

    Taken just before Ken bursts into tears, his Leader demonstrates the Japanese Ball Stranglehold he uses on the Shadow Chancellor

  255. 255
    Ed Millipede Support Committee says:

    Ed “That’s how far I am away from slappin you son. I mean it. One more f**k up and I’ll do time for you, swear to Gawd”

  256. 256
    annette curton says:

    As we have seen (Leveson) Guido does not qualify for attendance allowance unlike everybody else because he is a subversive blogger, the most he could hope for would be a day rider bus ticket and a voucher for a sandwich at Greggs.

  257. 257
    Anonymous says:

    I suggest thsi is hw long the trails of tears should be

  258. 258
    I am not doormat for lying gaybo says:

    Ed consoles Ken by saying ‘Don’t cry Ken, with the penis enhancing gel, my winky grew to this size. Magic.

  259. 259
    The Tuscan Kid says:

    Ed: This is how much I care about the fucking people of London

  260. 260
    damien hurst says:

    it’s conceptual you muppet

  261. 261
    Hugh Gahoudi says:

    + plenty.

  262. 262
    The Tuscan Kid says:

    It’s a new Quango to oversee tax avoidance – it’s called OffKen

  263. 263
    Rick Limerfuck says:

    There once was a top bird called Botha
    Reluctantly, she was a voter
    She thought, “This is shit,
    I’ll watch for a bit
    Whilst guzzling ten-times my quota.”

  264. 264
    filipinomonkey says:

    so when I squeeze, you start crying…

  265. 265
    Mike Litorus says:

    The aircraft carrier paid by your taxes is this small, the aircraft carrier paid for by the rest of the country’s taxes is very far away…

  266. 266
    nellnewman says:

    Look Ken the gap between you and boris is this big but next week with your continuing lies and evasions it will be 100 times bigger.

  267. 267
    Anonymous says:

    “Maybe you could pay just a liiiitle bit of tax?”

  268. 268
    Anonymous says:

    Your chances of winning this election are much less than this …….

  269. 269

    Ed was disappointed after watching Star Wars to discover he could not use the force to choke Ken.

  270. 270
    blowingWhistles says:

    Ed: Sort it out Ken or I’m going to put Kevin Maguire in charge of your campaing. He’s connected to the Union Mafia brothers ‘know wot I mean’ Ken. D ‘ye nae Ken Ken…

  271. 271
    Dylan says:

    “When your nose gets bigger than this, then you’ve lost any chance of winning….”

  272. 272
    Splodge says:

    OK Ken, you’ve crossed the c*nt threshold, by at least this much today….

  273. 273

    Lord Milivader: “I find your lack of tears disturbing”

  274. 274
    Rightallalong says:

    ‘…….and this is my invisible I-Phone APP’

  275. 275
    Ed Milliband says:

    I wrote a policy the other day it was this long , the effort made me cry too .

  276. 276
    Anonymous says:

    Wrong Galloway stragegy. Get your bookie odds down to 10-1 or longer, co-ordinate the placing of bets with the students and others and you are in.

  277. 277
    Idolatry of leaders is not confined to commie shitholes says:

    Don’t mock them. When Mandela kicks the bucket, many in the west will be trying to likewise out do each other with ridiculous displays of public grief.

    Same goes for the Tories and their icon/personality cult, Maggie Thatcher.

  278. 278
    drewstew says:

    And now you’ve gripped it, wave it about, and shout “Loadsamoney”!

  279. 279
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a professional at it. So please continue!!’

  280. 280
    Ed Millipede Support Committee says:

    “Harriet says that unless you’re bigger than this you have no chance”

  281. 281
    I hate Liebour says:

    but seriously though, which one of us do people hate more?

  282. 282
    Just the tip of the multiculti enrichment of my country. says:

    Your nose is going to be this big tomorrow – eh? ……’cos it’s the Pinnochio effect Ken – how do you think mine got like this?

  283. 283
    Just the tip of the multiculti enrichment of my country. says:

    SOrry – didn’t read your comment before I submitted mine.

  284. 284
    Thom says:

    “So I performed my force grip on Dave at the last PMQs but all I managed to do was soil myself.”

  285. 285
    Infanta of Castile says:

    At an Addams family reunion, Thing reveals that it actually has an attached body

  286. 286
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    “And thath why she calls me Justin” !

  287. 287
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    I love the sign at the back ! “Better off Ken ”
    He would be wouldn’t he , He doesn’t pay his fuckin taxes !

  288. 288
    TWATson says:

    the winner

  289. 289
    Anonymous says:

    I find your lack of faith disturbing

  290. 290
    alan johnston says:

    honest thats the size of alex salmond’s wee jock cock!

  291. 291
    YorkshireLad says:

    I once caught a newt and it was this big

  292. 292
    Ed to Ken says:

    How the f*ck does Handycock pull all these teenagers when we all know that he only has two and a half inches?

  293. 293
    Post hoc says:

    “You’re a f***ing liar”!

  294. 294
    blowingWhistles says:

    Ken, Ken wait up – Remember
    “Turkeys always vote for Christmas”

    We can win this trust me I heard it on Newsnight back on 14th November 2003 “TURKEYS VOTING FOR CHRISTMAS!” serious … the BBC aired it; the worlds media heard it. It was BSkyB’s annual wotsit yeu know…

  295. 295
    robbie says:

    They’ve got you right here.

  296. 296
    Peterooo says:

    winner

  297. 297
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    And you would weep to if your cock was only this big !

  298. 298
    LabourNutter says:

    So, if I channel the payments through a shelf company, I only pay _this_ much tax?

  299. 299
    In A Flap says:

    how honest have you been this week Ed?

  300. 300
    Rootar says:

    I say this to you: the media have ripped you a new one this wide o ver your tax affair

  301. 301
    Sciatico says:

    I weally don’t look like a Duckbill Platypus at all!

  302. 302
    Rinka Scott says:

    For fucks sake Ken all that Londoners want is somoeone who will make sure the bins are emptied, the tube works and the roads are open.

    They dont wont a load of old pony about Jews Muslims and the tax system.

  303. 303
    Times. Past says:

    When I was a boy conkers were this big —— shows how the world has changed!

    Ken: When I was a boy you didn’t have to declare your earnings !!!


Seen Elsewhere

New Tory, New Danger | Laura Perrins
UKIP Could Work With Dave If Price is Right | Douglas Carswell
Cops Catch Crims With B.O. Test | Techno Guido
Bashir’s “False Account” to His Own Lawyers | Times
Injustice of Tax Avoidance Hysteria | City AM
The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
UKIP on 23% With Survation | Mirror
UKIP Could Deal With Dave | Douglas Carswell
Tories Would Lower Benefit Cap | Telegraph
Bashir Twitter Meltdown | Mirror
Bashir is a Wrong’un | Norman Tebbit


Find out more about PLMR AD-MS


George Galloway says of his former Respect candidate the UKIP MEP turned Tory, Amjad Bashir…

“Clearly Bashir does not have any real political principles or commitment, only naked opportunism and self-interest. He represents the revolving door principle in politics. The Tories are welcome to him because he will cause them embarrassment. Fortunately Respect was able to act before he did it to us.”


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