March 13th, 2012

Zarb to the Slaughter

Labour aide Matt Zarb Cousins shot to village fame when he tweeted that the Queen was a benefit scrounger, on Jubilee day. After initially standing by his gag, he was forced to climb down and grovel by his waspish boss Andy Slaughter, Labour’s lanky lisper of Hammersmith. He avoided the sack though, despite a solid turning over by the most of the press. Or did he?

Guido hears that Zarb will be going his separate ways from Slaughter’s office, and not out of choice. Sources in Parliament suggest that tweet had a lot to do with the decision, but Slaughter was keen to avoid the negative publicity and criticism from his own side if he had sacked Zarb straight up. Probably because he is a republican too. When Guido put it to one person familiar with the situation they were pretty clear:

“I think Andy Slaughter is an a***hole. He didn’t have the guts to sack him at the time, so he goes and does it when he thinks no one is looking.”

Silly Andy, he should know that Guido is always watching.

With an exodus of staff, maybe one day Guido will finally find someone to go on the record with the great Labour Conference Hot Tub Scandal of 2010…

UPDATE: Guido understands Zarb will be joining the team over at Left Foot Forward. Given he’s been trained as an attack puppy, this could be just what they need to get out of their art-house rut.


  1. 1
    George says:

    Zarb a bit of a nutter, but so are all lefties .


  2. 2
    Sir Pimple Timpleton says:

    The guy is a complete fruit cake and working for LFF is about his level. Good bye.


    • 51
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      I would have thought that from a desire merely to survive, the art-house rut is the best place for LFF. An untrained attack puppy will poo all over the furniture and roger his own side’s legs.


  3. 3
    Sophie says:

    “Labour Conference Hot-Tub Scandal of 2010″

    Ok, my starter for ten is: Harriet Harmen in rubber fetish suit fisting Bryant.

    Am I close?


  4. 6
    nellnewman says:

    ‘Labour Conference hot Tub scandal’ wasn’t that the ‘fragrant’ ms abbott who spent £thousands of taxpayers money having one installed in her house on her expenses ?


  5. 7
    Gonk says:

    Well judging by the size of that tub it couldn’t have been Watson.
    He’d only just manage to squash his plump size 10s in that.
    Never mind his vast Minke whale size hindquarters.


  6. 8
    nellnewman says:

    And what sort of name is zarb?


  7. 9
    Mr Bag-Carrier says:

    Good… he deserved to be sacked at the time. He’s an ass anyway.


  8. 12
    Alabama Gould says:

    How can he get his left foot forward into his mouth as his gob is not as big as Harriet Harman’s?


  9. 14
    Joss Taskin says:

    Isn’t ‘Left Foot Forward’ a place where even the tumbleweed can’t be bothered to go ?


    • 36
      sir humphrey says:

      i remember LFF from a year or so ago. there were 3 or 4 commenters. anonymouse, someone called robert on incapacity benefits (i assume he was incapable of doing a job that didn;t involve a computer) and a couple of labour stooges.

      just went back to look at it. no-one, not even the labour stooges can be bothered now!


    • 79
      Some Geezer wot doesn't play well with the other kiddies at LFF says:

      You laugh, but at least they put their modding policy out front in the “About” part of the blog: No foul language, no personal invective, and no straying too far O/T, and all first-time posters are modded automatically. “Three strikes,” and you’re shit-canned.
      (As opposed to another blog we know, which has idiosyncratic arbitrary rules.)

      Their policy, of course, means nobody in their right mind would want to post comments over there, when they can have lots more fun on Guido’s blog, as long as you remember p’s and r!ce, words associated with intoxication whilst operating a motorised vehicle, the hosts’ actual names, and a few other subjects I’m blanking on right this moment. (That’s why you hear the crickets chirping over there.)


  10. 17
    Will Straw says:

    Hey Matt dude, no need to to bring your own gear, i got a stash in the office.


  11. 21
    Displaced Brummie says:

    Unless, of course, that was all forgotten about?

    If so, what has he done since then that made sacking him the only option?


  12. 22
    Gordon Brown says:

    I shared a hot tub with Mr Blobby.


  13. 29
    John Prescott says:

    I create a jacuzzi in my hot tub just by farting. It’s always a korma fragranced jacuzzi.


  14. 32
    Charmless Ed Balls - Shallow Chancer says:

    Too far, too fast, too far, too fast, too far, too fast.


  15. 37
    Bullingdon Dave and his dodgy friends says:

    It is wonderful to know that Guido is a British Monarchist

    But he is not even domiciled in the United Kingdom

    And vaunts his Irish residence

    So he is a non-dom by his own wiki entry

    And attacking an anti-Morachists

    With the speudo Gwiudo Fawkes

    No inconsistency there of course

    Or even incoherence


  16. 38
    One of the Corgis says:

    We spend millions on the royal family who help promote the country in a positive light to generate future business.

    We spend even more millions on wasters/spongers who promote nothing but benefit babies.


  17. 39
    Mexican Doctor says:

    Hot Tub scandal? Is that anything to do with HH renting out Tijuana Jack Dromey?


  18. 42

    I’ve been slaughtered too…..


    • 65
      Cynical-old-bag says:

      No. We don’t think it was a coincidence either.


    • 72
      not a machine says:

      I am convinced it wasnt coincidnce and have been since 2007


      • 76
        jgm2 says:

        Liking the new single sentence mode.


      • 77
        Cynical-old-bag says:

        Try 2004!


        • 80
          not a machine says:

          Yes I agree 2004 can be used , although I seem to think credit taps and got really turned on a little later , and covered gov borrowing with false growth figs .
          Basically over half of labours term was ecnomically pointless and hurt a lot of familes and people who got into debt .


          • Cynical-old-bag says:

            America started their financial problems in 2004.

            Gordoom took no notice at all, and ploughed on regardless.


          • Cynical-old-bag says:

            Some might say that, yes.

            Gordoom was hell-bent on getting the job of PM and couldn’t see further then the end of his nose. He took his eye off the ball for about 4 years.


          • jgm2 says:

            He didn’t take his eye off the ball. He wasn’t interested in the fucking ball. All he was interested in was becoming PM so that 200 years from now he will at least be a footnote in British history whereas the other 60 million of us will not be troubling the history books.

            Boy – he’ll sure have showed us eh? Us all dead and anonymous and unremembered and him in the history books along with Chamberlain and Asquith. Him = Winner. Us = Losers.

            The fact that in order to position himself as a footnote in ‘British Politicians of the 21st Century’ published by JKRowling Industries (available in Bluetooth and Telepathic Imprint) meant destroying the UK economy didn’t enter his fucked-up head as a problem. Indeed, in his fucked up head, the fact that he was in power through an economic clusterfuck entirely of his own making will guarantee – oooooh – at least a paragraph in 200 years time.

            Even the bedwetters of the Grauniad have sussed Brown. The c*unt wanted to be PM purely for its own sake. Once there, and even with a parliamentary majority of 60 or 70, he had no fucking clue what to do with all that power. Just gurning about the globe getting his photo taken for his ‘Me’ wall.

            One of the definitive pictures of the Imbecility is the Imbecile and Magda gurning in front of Auschwitz with the same sense of occasion that most people show posing in front of the Statue of Liberty.


  19. 43
    Film critic says:

    Zarb Cousins ?

    Is he a character out of a horror movie?


    • 46
      Limit the white stuff a little says:


      He is Labour’s answer to

      Sacha Baron Cohen

      That travesty of a humorist


      • 133
        Simon Baron Cohen says:

        You are under the misconception that my cousin Sacha is supposed to be funny. In fact, he suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of autism in which someone can be quite intelligent and very verbally gifted in a strange way, such as speaking in dialects; what an Asperger’s person has difficulty with is understanding basic human non-verbal communication, and verbal communication meant figuratively and not literally. Basically they are uber-anoraks n-th power, in a nutshell. Sacha is bright enough to understand that there are some people who enjoy his act, though he has no idea why; he is also bright enough to realise he can make a boatload of dosh playing the annoying characters he does. He is rather to be pitied than scorned, but not TOO much– the git is a rich bastard who has no time for Cousin Sy and my research into autism, which I undertook originally to help HIM.


  20. 44
    Limit the white stuff says:

    I thought you were a republican Gwido ?

    Or are you in another rave party ?!


  21. 47
    Obama says:

    Yo Cameron. You better not chase me into the motherfuckin kitchen like that crazy ass Brown dude. I gots to go give my bitch Michelle the hot beef injection. Keep it real, you honky motherfucka.


  22. 49
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m too busy to do my job as an MP as I’m currently jetting round the world trying to stop the problem of child brides. My wife, Miss Mackinley, is somewhere doing her bit for something or other. I love her very much etc.


  23. 50
    JH says:

    Imagine how utterly soul destroying it must be to put a blog together with much fanfare, with the son of a ‘heavyweight’ Labour figure involved, and then find that virtually no-one, on a planet of several billions, is interested in reading and commenting (or ‘reacting’).

    Just the tagline is embarrassing; ‘Evidence based political blogging’ whatever the fuck that means. One person’s “evidence” is another’s opinionated partisan pseudo-made-up shite.

    What the f*ck is this gobby little Zarbtard going to do there? Comment moderation will take about 2 minutes a day, then it’s just making tea for W. Straw Esq and hoping to be a spad one day over the rainbow.

    It almost seems as if Left Foot Forward, as a blog, is not worth saving.


    • 55
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      It appears that it’s use is similar to that the Commies made of Siberia – somewhere to dump idiots and hope they die.


    • 92
      AC1 says:

      “Evidence based political blogging”

      They sort of missed the berlin wall falling down and the soviet union imploding.


      • 98
        jgm2 says:

        They also missed the UK economy imploding when the air ran out of the Maximum Imbecile’s borrowing-and-squandering based approach to economics.


    • 105

      Michael Foot Forward.
      The longest suicide blog in history.


  24. 53
    Ha Ha says:


    • 54
      Ha Ha says:

      David Cameron greeted in US by asst White House chief of protocol, one Randy BUMGARDENER. Can PM keep a straight face?


      • 56
        JH says:

        Hmmm, let’s see – our Surname is ‘Bumgardener’. What shall we call our son? I know – RANDY.

        The parents must have hated the poor kid. I hope his ascent up the Washington greasy pole has compensated.

        Tell me his middle name isn’t Felching.


      • 57
        Grumpy Old Man says:

        The original name was probably Baumgartner -literally, Tree-surgeon. Trust the yanks to fuck up yet again.


        • 64
          James Garner, handsome-leading-man-turned-character-actor says:

          That was my family’s name too, then we settled in Texas and became “Bumgarner.” No prizes for guessing why I changed it.


      • 66
        Cynical-old-bag says:

        I was scuba diving in Jamaica once when an american came to the dive hut to order his gear. He gave his name as Bumgardener.

        We had to pick the jamaican up off the floor, he was laughing so much.


    • 101
      Errrr..... says:

      We had an American fella working with us a while back and his name was Chip Bumgardener. Fab eh!?


      • 121
        jgm2 says:

        I worked with a (female) Norwegian navigatrix called Aas Hole.

        Very pretty young lady as it turned out.


  25. 67
    Gordon Brown says:

    I will introduce Teddy to mr Obrama on my visit to America this week.


    • 70
      Cynical-old-bag says:

      That’ll be the kiss of death, then.


    • 85
      Gordon Brown also says:

      I tried to waylay Mr O’Barmy in the White House Kitchens.

      Even though he just brushed past, I really did get a thrill!

      I don’t get many thrills nowadays, – not like in the sand dunes.


      • 102

        US State Department

        Dear former President Brown.
        Your request for a visa for extended stay within the borders of the unites States of America has been regretfully denied on security grounds.

        On your application the question “have you ever been a commie, socialist, red flag, left wing, liberal, hippie- pinko?” You replied – “Yes, to all”

        Therefore you are unwelcome within the territory of the US and if you step foot on our soil you will be interned in Guantanamo awaiting rendition to Russia.

        Signed on behalf of the president, with his full knowledge and at his express request,

        Secretary of State.


  26. 68
    I don't need no doctor says:

    New one from labour, it’s called the labour dip (based on lucky dip). Labour pick something out each day to oppose, but no reason just oppose. Maybe the coalition should have a debate on labour keeping Miliband as their leader. No we oppose that would be the cry.


  27. 69
    not a machine says:

    In perhasp one of the most , determined exchanges on todays NHS debate ,Mr lansley reminded me of one those Q boats that wre used in ww2 , he sat through Mr Burnhams somewhat empty of content speech like a mere routine cargo vessel , however when his turn to dispatch box came , some rather large cannon appeared from the silence and it almost appeared Mr Burnahm had no where to sit , even managing to get Eds trip to hull FC in .His thrice request for Mr Burnham to explain what it was in the bill he disagreed with , eventually getting to the “ill tell you what ” response , which itself lost out . Ed balls being a supporting heckler role was all the more interesting .
    D Milibands following attack at first had all the authority of M the elder , but almost seemed so close to Mr Burnhams tune , I wasnt sure who had wrote the script , Mr Dorrrel responding with a little bemusement .
    Mr lansleys putting straight of figures was most welcome , and I hope what he and his team (and those ammendments ) developes well , and proves that his often pasted technocratic stances , lead to not only saving the NHS but improving it ands it quality .

    That ten minute rule bill was interesting , hadnt thought footie could money launder …

    Whos on PMQs tommorow ?


  28. 73
    cheche says:

    British Car success just being knocked by the BBC on N24


    • 75
      jgm2 says:

      Toxic Ned will be spitting rivets. All this exporting will make it less likely the UK is in recession. The fucker is praying for a recession so he can give it ‘I told you so… if only you’d borrowed another 40bn quid last year there would be no recession..’

      Can you imagine the cold sweats he must be having if the T*ries, in the teeth of a Europ crisis, manage to cut the deficit by 40 or 50bn quid in a year and avoid a recession? He’ll be politically and economically fucked. Three times in four years. Not bad.

      George Osborne laughing in his face.

      He’ll have a fucking heart attack.


      • 78
        not a machine says:

        Liking the return to long sentences and paragraphs :)

        I think the stig should take nissans le mons new delta wing for a spin , certainly be fastest 3 wheeler ,, if it is a 3 wheeler that is


        • 97
          Tachybaptus says:

          It isn’t, it’s got two front wheels very close together. Theoretically so much of the weight is at the back that it doesn’t do a Reliant Robin diagonal nosedive on corners (but we shall see).


      • 89

        Where’s my Rolls Royce gone ?


    • 84
      The BBC Cooking the Books, Records, and BU*llshiting the Public everyday says:

      Now I’m gonna show you is this fantastic way to put out our version of troof, – only this is our quick take on it!

      Basically, what I’m gonna do, is basically literally gonna take this fact, and then I’m gonna disassemble it and chop it up. Then I’m gonna mix it up with a load of other cobblers until troof and fiction make just one great sticky mess.

      Then we’re gonna put it in the oven – you know – give it a bit of heat and stuff and when it’s heated we turn it out and cover with this stuff I’ve made here and smear it all over the plate and serve it up to you stupid suckers!

      Fantastic!! Fabulous!!! And you love it you stupid turds!

      Now pay your telly tax and say how much you enjoyed what we tell you.



  29. 74
    jgm2 says:

    Matt Zarb? Sounds like Douglas Adams is alive and well and editing the Register of Births, Deaths and Marriages.


    • 99

      Gordon the miserable Paranoid Unemployed

      “Here I am..sitting in my arm chair watching Flog It! and Embarrassing Bodies, whilst the Euro collapses and the Middle East goes to pieces.

      Financial brain the size of a planet but do the IMF phone me up and ask for my opinion? No! When the phone rings Its just ..

      “MP Brown? Can you go to the High Street on Friday and open a Costa Coffee? Its 4 more jobs for the constituency.”

      Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother.
      I could solve the entire planet’s military, political, financial, sociological, philosophical, meteorological and psychological problems.
      But all I get asked to do by Sarah is to put another Peppa Pig DVD on for the boys.

      Ho hum..


      • 124
        jgm2 says:

        Good stuff Bill. But I thought Marvin did have a brain the size of a planet as opposed to the Maximum Imbecile, who, if he ever did have a large brain, seems to have devoted it entirely to Satan. Or, more plausibly, never was very intelligent but made up for it by wheedling, undermining and sheer arrogance and bluster.

        The c*unt presents as severely autistic.


    • 108
      Primrose Hill Marxist says:

      His parents must have despised him.

      This is how Labour people are born.


  30. 87
    Anonymous says:

    drunk labour mp for falkirk still vows to represent his constituents(according to meedia reports)………………………………insane ex labour prime minister does not represent kirkaldy constituents (not a fucking peep from aformentioned meedia)…..when was that law passed about getting paid for doing absolutly fuckall…..labour dont you just hate the bastards!


    • 90
      Cynical-old-bag says:

      And not only can he stand as an independent, he will also be entitled to his “payment” if it all goes tits up.

      It really is a win, win, for them.


  31. 103
    Still on the top 10 trolls list in the UK after all these years + ex hacker Olympics finalist says:

    Attack dog, more like disabled chihuahua.


  32. 104
    Gordon Brown says:

    I laid a cable in East Kirkbride last Thursday.


    • 111
      Primrose Hill Marxist says:

      You increased property values by 20% there in doing so, no doubt.

      See? You are not the fat, hated, treacherous, sweating idiot everyone thinks you are.

      Why, you are the saviour of the world. You are our hero, Gordon. You are our bloated, one-eyed Scottish idiot hero, Dr Brown.

      Now set fire to yourself in a noble protest against the grave injustices of this world, as those monks did, and we’ll love you even more.


  33. 107
  34. 109
    Tony Benn says:

    Socialism is the solution.


  35. 112
    nellnewman says:

    I know we mock them but I think it’s worrying that labour have imploded so badly and become so dishonest and discredited.

    Democracy needs a good opposition and they are failing us because we haven’t got one.

    All they do is deny they made mistakes in government and deny they left us in debt and trashed education, health and welfare. And now all they seem able to do is keep opposing everything without bringing forward any possible viable policies.


    • 113
      Anonymous says:

      In other words exactly what the Tories did in opposition.


      • 114
        Joss Ayinglike says:

        Er no. The Tories never had two such extraordinary tossers as Gordon Brown and Ed Balls.


        • 117
          nellnewman says:

          Only two? – an understatement surely! On today’s performance you must add andy burnham and militwit also cannot be overlooked.

          No wonder bliar and mandy are despairing. They built a credible labour (no matter how much some of us hated it) and the labour kids have destroyed it.


      • 122
        annette curton says:


    • 126
      AC1 says:

      >trashed education, health and welfare

      Well it’s inevitable. Those are 3 things government cannot do.


  36. 115
    nellnewman says:

    Apparently there’s a demo planned outside Dept of Health n saturday against the ‘demolition of the NHS’.

    I think its a combination of bored evicted OLSX folks and that lot that trashed London last August?


  37. 116
    Bulibasa says:

    From big-name political scalp collector to partisan shill flogging any half-baked non-scandal as long as it involves a member of the opposition. How the mighty have fallen, Guido Fawkes.


  38. 118
    LABOUR says:

    labour? What is labour?

    It is an outdated name and 99% of its supporters do not labour or even remotely
    know what labour is

    It is a stupid name for a political party.


    • 120
      Hugh Mungo says:

      Why would a political party promise its supporters a life of Labour?


      • 134
        Arthur Scargill says:

        Well that is what I wanted. All my members Labouring underground and dying early.


        • 136
          jgm2 says:

          Be honest Art. All you really wanted was for them to sit at home being paid as if they were labouring underground. Just like the chaps on the dock labour scheme.

          There would have been no problem at all if you fuckers were happy to do a days work for the salary you’d contracted. The problems all arose because y’all decided that actually, you fancied a lot more money for doing the same job. And, if you didn’t get it then you’d freeze us all to death in the winter.


    • 123
      nellnewman says:

      It was, when it was formed, a party to be proud of. It fought for the rights of the working classes – the real working classes and it’s MP’s were largely drawn from the real working classes.

      Now it’s MP’s are millionaires. For the most part they have never worked in the real world or done a real job.

      And the only people they are interested in representing are the benefit trougher et al.

      It is now a party that has lost its way.


    • 125
      AC1 says:

      Re-brand as the Ichneumon Wasp Party?


  39. 119
    nellnewman says:

    Actually I’ve been surprised. His viewing statistics have been very buoyant since the May 2010 election and his inside info on politics has stayed sharp.

    I thought after we’d lost the ultimate comedian gordon and labour had sank into the political mire there wouldn’t be too much to talk about, But labour really are the gift that keeps on giving (sadly for democracy). And here we still are debating their crass mistakes, criminal offences and democratic failings.


    • 127
      annette curton says:

      what?, crass mistakes, criminal offences and democratic failings, put that person to the head of the party short list, anybody that is also gender confused gets extra Brownie points.


  40. 130
    nellnewman says:

    Night Folks. Don’t let the bedbugs bite!


  41. 138
    Bizarre says:

    Cameron and Obama, both dressed casually, being interviewed at a basketball game in Dayton Ohio. Politics in 2012.


  42. 142
    • 144
      albacore says:

      “Sorry, we cannot find the page you are looking for”.
      Never mind. We’ll survive, although we’re miffed to the core
      In any case, is it worth the effort, me hearty?
      (Like searching for a Tory in Dave’s “Tory” party)


  43. 143
    not a machine says:

    NN seemed vaguely familiar tonight (loud brmmm brrrmm duh duh pissst pisstt ) I needed a few more beers , but it felt like the hacienda all over again , oh no I just realised I was more of Ant music and the clash generation , couldnt be bothered with grunge just seemed to be some sort of movement about not having a regular wash.
    The topic however had some interesting thought , now I might put a longer time line on Paul masons graph to elude to the question ,”how is it that up until about 1930 £1 was worth the same for about 400yrs ?”

    I think my start point is that socialism is not the answer , whatever question is put , and that since 1970 we have been badly shafted by goverments and various ecnomic gurus .

    I thought JGM2 was a little harsh on the ruin , but then I recalled how those little quiet building societies became banks and then super over leveraged banks , lending credit for political ends , and finally tax payer bailed out vehicles in a low growth era , I mean just where is the genius of Labours ecnomic policy within it all ??? “greatest chancellor we have ever had ” as ecnomic miracle of more benefits ,growth and improved public services , we all sucked it up , whilst things went off balance sheet , PFI wasnt scrutinised by parliament , and st Tone made it all sound so , you know , kosher , let alone nationalising banks and not being able to look at books .

    Stock markets having a bit of rise on back of Lagarde plan , so far , just hope nothing is erm off balance sheet in EU countries books , what a jolly read that snapshot will be when published .


  44. 145
    albacore says:

    And today, the winner of the clown’s shoes is….DAMIAN!


  45. 149
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    Brown was Obama’s Poodle

    Obama is Cameron’s Poodle


  46. 151
    Dudley Zoo says:

    It appears Paddick’s “‘If you break it, you fix it.”‘ is a mismatch of phrases copied from US polticos in the 2000’s

    This whole approach shows a deep ignorance on many levels


  47. 152
    Archbishop Rowan Williams says:

    The advert above ” Meet Single Mums” is somewhat superfluous as they are in the vast majority.


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