March 2nd, 2012

Top Tory Totty Jumps Into Bed With Farage
Swann Migrates

Guido’s favourite Young Conservative has defected to UKIP. Top Tory totty Alexandra Swann was the Deputy Chairman of Conservative Future and a Tory researcher, but will be taking to the stage tomorrow at their spring conference in the charming seaside resort of Skegness. This is the latest humiliation for the Heath-ite chairman of the Tory’s youth movement, Ben Howlett, who recently infuriated the party by siding with the Germans over Commonwealth countries at an international right wing conference.

That safe seat he boasts about in bars late at night is looking highly dubious…


  1. 1
    Oh says:

    And UKIP will rule the world ………….. never.

  2. 2
    1ain Dale's Dildo says:

    I’d honk her. Miaow!

  3. 3
    maggie the dog says:

    Get down boy

  4. 4
    Paul says:

    “That safe seat he boasts about in bars late at night is looking highly dubious…”

    Hardly, this isn’t news and certainly can’t be linked to any asperations he may or may not have to be a PPC/MP

  5. 5
    Tuscan Tony says:

    Heath-ite politically, personally or both?

  6. 6
    Marmite says:

    Dopey Sophie will be pleased!

  7. 7
    PM de France says:

    What happens at the Elysee stays at the Elysee

  8. 8
    Ah! Monika says:

    Is that a bollard?

  9. 9
    PM de France says:

    Bit of both.

  10. 10
    Jimmy says:


  11. 11
    Another Engineer says:

    In other news, after signing the budget enforcing fiscal discipline, Spain announces it is going to miss the target it has just signed up to.

    You couldn’t make it up.

  12. 12
    Raving Loon says:

    UKIP are the UK’s real conservative party, the Tories are all tree hugging liberals now (with the possible exception of Hannan).

  13. 13
    Another Engineer says:

    That should have said treaty, but anyway…

  14. 14
    Jonny says:

    Who gives a shit about the Tory youth wing?

  15. 15
    Jimmy says:

    The under-75s are the party’s future you know.

  16. 16
    Oh says:

    Want to know why media having a wank over horsegate?

    Read that link.

  17. 17
    A bodger says:

    Oh happy day! – and grease is going to pay up on time and in good heart too! – you can bet your life on it!

  18. 18
    Tommy Atkins says:

    Howlett is not my sort of Briton. He should take his ‘EU passport’ and go and trough off the Germans in Berlin.

  19. 19
    Handycock (Teen Fondler) says:

    Phone number please. Boaz

  20. 20
    Eric Joyce (Teen Fondler) says:

    Me too.

  21. 21
    The Tosser pretending to be PM says:

    Oh I think that’s really unkind!

    I’m sure many people have good reason to doubt my position.

  22. 22
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    And best of all, she’s always been a she.

  23. 23
    Marine Le Pen says:

    Another scoop for my political soul mate Nigel ( Beats nearly killing yourself by having your buddy pilot crash his own plane with you on it)

  24. 24
    Steve Miliband says:

    Yes, but can she ride a fucking horse?

  25. 25
    Ol' Blue Eyes says:


    How anyone can call themselves a Tory and support Dave’s shower I have no. Perhaps if you’re some sort of pathetic John Prescott-type “keep the other side out no matter how low your own side sinks” tribalist.

  26. 26
    The Boys from County Hell says:

    Dis this little filly ever commune with Shergar ??

    No wonder they never even found his remains . She probably blew him ……. out in bubbles.

  27. 27
    Ol' Blue Eyes says:

    At least they can look at themselves in the mirror.

  28. 28
    WVM says:

    She’d be wasted on a horse.

  29. 29
    Ol' Blue Eyes says:

    Bit too old for you Roman, I mean Eric.

  30. 30
    Jenny Tonge has left the Illiberal Undemocratics. Read all about it in this week's Watered Down Opinion says:

    The more Ukippers the better. Is it ok to say that? I will go now.

  31. 31
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Mrs. LePen wants to print loads of francs, and do her best to discourage international trade. And hand out money to mothers to make them stay at home. Absolute oposite of nigel in economic terms.

    Amusingly she wants the school leaving age reduced to 14.
    Perhaps she likes to think about real men working hard.

  32. 32
    Ol' Blue Eyes says:

    Better Marine than Herman.

  33. 33
  34. 34
    Ah! Monika says:

    Probably will get conjugal rights while serving 18 months

  35. 35
    johnc says:

    and local trade union leader karl stone has also defected in Wakefield. Go UKIP

  36. 36
    signlanguage says:

    Believe it’s a placard.

  37. 37
    Elliot Ness says:

    Ian Blair , Tony Blar , Peter Clarke Ken Clarke — is this a “Family” thing ?? —

    if so this would explain the Omerta ‘..

  38. 38
    ...and the politically correct police show how it's done says:

  39. 39
    Sophie says:

    Another hand wringing Heathite clone.

    If the mass depression amongst Conservative grass roots is an indicator of the demise of the Conservative Party, it is also a measure of the growing success of UKIP.

    We are the Conservative Party in exile – & we look forward to denying Cameron a majority in 2015 – if he lasts that long.

  40. 40
    Robert Catesby says:

    I would actually damage her.

  41. 41
    Sophie says:

    Indeed I am & we in UKIP are.

    Delighted that such a prestigious young talent has joined our swelling ranks.

    Charmless Heathite Howlett will get his safe seat – but his road to it will be littered with more defections from around his Conservative Party to UKIP.


  42. 42
    for the birds says:

    Hot chick Swann ducks responsibilities. Time to grouse.

  43. 43
    Robert Catesby says:

    Yes she can. I saw the video whilst searching the darker corners of the internet. It was gross, but thoroughly splendid.

  44. 44
  45. 45
    Sophie says:

    Thats better Jimmy.

    Your humour has failed you of late – not really surprising given the plank of wood at the helm of your party.

  46. 46
    a non says:

    Another cock and pull story.
    Quick wiki search reveals this young lady [or someone of a similar name] seems to enjoy hopping from one situation to another.
    Pretty girl. Can understand why Guido is smitten.

  47. 47
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    I should have been an MP.

    “Oh… it doesn’t look good, does it? ” says his girlfriend.
    If Mrs Sockpuppet saw her draped over me like that she’d be after me with the pinking shears.

  48. 48
    AC1 says:

    Hopefully won’t be THAT safe that UKIP can’t help evict the heathites.

  49. 49
    Joss Sayin says:


  50. 50
    Bill says:

    What, no idle pheasantries?

  51. 51
    Lol says:

  52. 52
    Lord Mandelson says:

    I see Ben Howlett’s namesake is a hunky Aussie Rules player….. off to get some tissues….

  53. 53
    Pedalpoweredwheelchair says:

    Trust me, the only thing “going down” in relation to Farrage is the light aircraft he occasionally clambers into.

    The truth is that aside from crashing planes, Farrage’s lot just aren’t resppnsible enough a party to be taken seriously by the electorate outside the EU elections we put on as a sideshow; their people are constantly making dicks of themselves in public and they behave like amateurs in debates. These people literally make Boris look sensible. Don’t get me wrong, I like old BoJo, but he’ll never be PM for precisely the same reason that UKIP will never go anywhere serious: Brits will elect a Mr Blobby character for a while but they won’t elect him forever.

    If UKIP got their act together they’d look like a serious party, but as they stand…well, frankly knob heads like Ben Howlett would be better representatives for them than the current bunch of Chiltern Hundreds no-hopers UKIP have lined up for the next general election.

  54. 54
    Is there no end to her talent?l says:

    And she can tweet too.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Hubba, hubba, hubba! Any tips for getting organic stains out of one’s trousers?

  56. 56
    Some Geezer wot knows cheap laughs are a dirty business but someone's gotta do it says:

    OK, I’ll do it, if nobody else will: Why don’t you just swan off somewhere, and leave the jokes to the professionals?

  57. 57
    Anonymous says:

    Can I join your swelling rank, slurp, slurp?

  58. 58
    Sophie says:

    Keep voting for the same Con / Lab / Lib disease then.

    A growing number of us will vote for the cure – UKIP.

    You may go.

  59. 59
    NeverRed says:

    A lot of swelling in the ranks now.

  60. 60
    Sky's Peter Poofter says:

    UGHH! a Ghastly girl. She’ll have damp bits, better with lube from the back!

  61. 61
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    I wouldn’t write them off just yet.

  62. 62
    Lord Mandelson says:

    Bitch talks dirty….my hands are clamming up….

  63. 63
    sandy says:

    Wouldn’t mind a bit of Swann upping.

  64. 64
    Anonymous says:

    I wouldn’t cheers quite yet. She’s another useless PPE flunkey (albeit Exeter)with an MA in Human Rights Law from Birkbeck College. She sounds a typical Nu Labour progressive. Expect her to try and dilute the best parts of UKIP in line with an entryist agenda.

  65. 65
    sandy says:

    Black cameraman gets excited.

  66. 66
    Al Jolson says:

  67. 67
    jgm2 says:

    Farrage’s lot just aren’t resppnsible enough a party to be taken seriously by the electorate

    That’s what they used to say about the S&P.

    Sooner or later either the T*ries will adopt UKIP policies or UKIP will do to the T*ries what the S&P did to Labour.

  68. 68
    Not convinced says:

    Laughable that people think UKIP are the answer.

    ALL olitical parties are the same – same dogs, different collars.

  69. 69
    Peter Carter-Fuck says:

    You mean does he ever meet guardsmen in Hyde Park after dark?

  70. 70
    Shergar says:

    l’d gallop in off the long run and stuff my hard going right through that. Woof!

  71. 71
    Eric Joycedick says:

    Pooomph ! Stitch that !

  72. 72
    T Rex says:

    Nope, but I’d ride a white Swann.

  73. 73
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Its a real issue for them. They need better people who aren’t inexperienced, eccentric, wierd, or all three.

    And nigel and his “wet dishcloth” stuff isn’t particularly helpful to raise the level of political debate.

  74. 74
    sandy says:

    Yes its true. UKIP need more people representing them like Cameron, Osborne, Ed Ballsup, Ed Minibandwagon, Lansley, Boris, Cleggy, Huhne and Prescott. Where did they go wrong?

  75. 75
    A Right Bustard says:

    He’s chicken?

  76. 76
    sandy says:

    And the SNP.

  77. 77
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    OO-errr missus.

  78. 78
    sandy says:

    UKIP should perhaps change their name to E.N.P.

  79. 79
    Sophie says:

    Laughable that people think that the status quo is the answer.

    All political parties are the same – same dogs, different collars.

    The UKIP collar is Britain out of the EU. We need nothing more as a people than that.

  80. 80

    This young is terribly upset by Guido’s post.

    Her swift reaction is surely welcomed by all in the political world.

    No patronising bullshit, straight from the shoulder.

    Up north it is grim as Glasgow City Council War hots up.

    America is supplying arms to all sides, big missile takes out Govan Police Station after some halfwit points it in wrong direction and pushes button

  81. 81
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    I’d like to assure all the readers at home that Mr. Rex was indeed an equal opportunities shagger.

  82. 82
    Sophie says:

    So, the most dynamic speaker in English politics right now, apart from Dan Han, is undeniably Farage.

    And you refer to him as a dish cloth?

    Desperate stuff Socky. No, I will call it as it is – you are an utter wanker.

  83. 83
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    I saw him give a speech on U*Tube about the Gre*k Cris*s to representatives from other EU states. He didn’t resemble a “wet dishcloth at all.” I thought he was very good actually.

  84. 84
    Must get a pseudonym one day says:

    Nothing like a well-plucked Swann…..

  85. 85
    Pedalpoweredwheelchair says:

    Precisely my point, Mr Sock.

    Aside from all the kids on here throwing puerile rants at each other, adults in this game recognise that “We hate Europe” isn’t enough to get a parliamentary seat in a nation with as solid a two party system as the UK has.

    This notion that Brits will suddenly abandon generations of political clannishness to abide by a party of oddballs who boast about large Brussels lunches is foolishness and they know it. The best these guys can achieve is handing constituencies over to Labour by pissing about with a Tory split vote.

    And what a fine contribution to the Right that would be…again.

  86. 86
    Raving Loon says:

    People who vote based on gut feeling rather than looking at details.

  87. 87
    Breaking news says:

    Hilton to leave downing street.

  88. 88
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Tough! If they don’t like our Union Jack, they are perfectly able to get up and leave!

  89. 89
    Pedalpoweredwheelchair says:

    UKIP are still way out on the further edges of British right-wing politics. While that’s fine for EU speeches that cost us £120k per annum, it achieves virtually nothing given the size of the socialist-left in the EU.

    It’s a total and utter waste of money for UKIP to be in Europe. If they had a bone of decency among them they’d hand their pay packs back to the treasury in defiance of the EU.

    It was great to see Farrage lay into EU bureaucrats but not for that kind of money.

    It’s all balls.

  90. 90
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    At least Nigel Farage has the balls to tell the other EU representatives what a lot of us are already thinking.

    There might be some mileage in this yet.

  91. 91
    Fish says:

    Write them off? Oh, I would. The UKIP’ers round here are all at least 70 and are all miserable sods. I could swear that some have already had their post-mortems by the look of it.

    If Swannee wants some UKIP action she’d better carry some little blue pills round in her handbag, either that or some lollypop stick she can use as splints.

  92. 92
    Pedalpoweredwheelchair says:

    I’m going nowhere. This is a fantastic country and it’s a pity you can’t enjoy a thriving political landscape without telling people to leave.

  93. 93
    Not convinced says:

    Nothing more than that?!

    The EU is a product of so-called ‘representative’ democracy.

  94. 94
    Son of Glyndŵr says:

    Rambling incoherent nonsense. George I really did expect so much better from you.

  95. 95
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Dear me Mrs. Bag, you don’t know what I’m on about, do you?
    The speech where he said Belgium wasn’t a real country.

    Silly debSoc games, that detract from any real messages he might try to make.

  96. 96
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    But don’t you think that the UK needs an EU representative who can be as outspoken and objective as he is?

    If we only have “Yes” men in Europe, nothing will ever change.

  97. 97
    Shocked of Sheen says:

    Off to Stanford for a year’s unpaid sabbatical.

  98. 98
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    I’ll have to admit that I prefer the cure to the status quo.

  99. 99
    jgm2 says:

    adults in this game recognise that “We hate Europe”

    ‘We hate England’ has been enough for the S&P to throw Labour out in Fucking Scotland. Maybe Nigel Farage should get Mel Gibson to make some film about the French and Germans and what awful behaviour they got up to several hundred years ago.

    It will be instructive to see if the T*ries try the same tactics with UKIP as Labour did with the B&P when the B&P were taking all their votes. Tie up Farage with some ‘hate speech’ accusation or other closer to the election.

  100. 100
    Anonymous says:

    Laughable that 30% of the moronic population think Miliband is the answer.

  101. 101
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Dear Mr Sockpuppet,

    Having been a Conservative voter all my life, I am becoming increasingly disillusioned with the vast difference between the Conservative Manifesto’s, and what they actually have done since getting to No.10 (with the exception of Mrs T).

    They could have done so much more, but instead, chose the softly softly approach to just about everything. One of the primary reasons Mr Bag and I left the UK, was that we were fed up to the back teeth with putting our hands in our pockets to pay for all and sundry.

    The country needs someone to stand up for it’s people, and the Con/Lib shower we have at the moment have proved that they cannot/will not do that.

    I think Nigel Farage may have what it takes to be the next PM. I will wait and see.

  102. 102
    for the birds says:

    Fowl comment eh. You would think I was robin him of placing his own words of wisdom.

  103. 103
    jgm2 says:

    The problem for Labour and their reliance on the Labour-jungen is that sooner or later they grow up and start voting Conservative.

  104. 104
    jgm2 says:

    The Hari punishment? What has Hilton been copying?

  105. 105
    Jimmy says:

    Or in your case, just vote conservative.

  106. 106
    Anonymous says:

    Count me in and thousands like me.

    Death To the Heath-ites !

  107. 107

    You can have my vote , If UKIP with me ! LoL

  108. 108
    AC1 says:

    She’s got a long neck.

  109. 109

    Fuck’s sake i thought you were dead !

  110. 110
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    If you only knew what the Gr**ks have had to do to get this money together. Many people are literally starving on the streets of Ath*ns. 20% of young people are unemplo*ed and the number is rising daily.

    Just how much more austerity (and humiliation) can this country take?

  111. 111
    Serious Advise says:

    FFS JGM2 lighten up. Nobody is interested in your warped, biased views of God’s Country. Try taking an extra dose of your pills and seek more professional help.

  112. 112
    jgm2 says:

    Time for your daily Mel Gibson video Little Scotlander.

    ‘God’s Country’? Your God must really hate you.

  113. 113
    jgm2 says:

    Some people naturally mature younger Jimmy. But you’ll get there in your own time I’m sure.

  114. 114
    rick says:


  115. 115
    Anonymous says:

    Inexperienced? Tee hee. You mean like those experienced Tories – :

    The PM – PR no mark for a failed TV company (another PPE wanker off the Oxford production line who dropped the economics part after first year)
    The Chancellor – towel folder in a high street shop (History grad)
    THe DPM – Some nomark job in the EU raping the British taxpayer (Archaeology and Anthropology, Cambridge)

    Unfortunately it doesn’t end there, but I think you get the picture. We are ruled by a cabal of tossers who have never run anything outside a think tank or a political party or the public sector intheir lives. Never had to meet a payroll, make a sale, raise funds, manage staff etc etc.

    If your best criticism of UKIP is they lack experience then you need to go back to CCHQ and get a new set of marching orders.

  116. 116
    Mandelson, Brown and Bryant says:

    Yuk girls give us a nice smelly man bum.

  117. 117
  118. 118
    Expat Geordie says:

    I believe that Oxfam, or as it was originally called The Oxford Foundation for Famine Relief, was set up in 1942 or 1944 to help feed starving Greeks. However Churchill stopped them from doing so on the rather sensible grounds that as Greece was under German occupation there was no way on earth that we were going to support our enemies whilst there was a war on.

    Perhaps now that the war is over Oxfam should do what it was originally set up to do and feed some starving Greeks. Won’t happen though as they are more concerned with talking crap about “climate change” and trying to cosy up with our enemies.

  119. 119
    now you know... says:

    Drumcree with Muslims….

  120. 120
    Expat Geordie says:

    If I buy a teddy bear for £10, call it Mohammed and sell it for £20, have I made a Prophet?

  121. 121
    Anonymous says:

    UKIP need to capture Sun Readers how about a bevvy of beauteous UKIP supporters as a UKIP Calender.

  122. 122
    Hugh Mann says:

    UKIP will be up the Swanee in no time

  123. 123
    Georgia Gould says:

    If she were an ugly munter she could be in Labour!

  124. 124
    historian says:

    A teacher in one of the Muzzielands a year or two ago did just that – bought a bear and named it Mohd. The local populace got the teensiest bit upset and after a bit of a hoohaa she was deported. Luckily she was not stoned.

  125. 125
    bird brain says:

    Caw! Stone the bleeding crows. Owls about that then. Now now…

  126. 126
    sandy says:

    Another UKIP convert. This time a Tory MEP.

  127. 127
    Gileyboy says:

    Cupid stunt! UKIP are the reason Balls kept his seat. UKIP are a complete waste of time – hot air. Are UKIP ever going to achieve something? A majority? Even one seat in Westminster? No. A complete waste of time by small minded petty little Englanders.

  128. 128
    Not Ruled By Berlin (yet) says:

    balls – all the opposition needed to do was to say they had had enough of the common market, and then UKIP would have left them be.

    remember it is UKIP that have brought us to a coalition government. if cameron had said he would espose many of UKIP’s ideas, instead of wanting to lick merchels backside, he would probably have another 20 or more seats.

  129. 129
    Not Ruled By Berlin (yet) says:

    clearly you are on benefit

  130. 130
    Marion the cat says:

    An awful lot if the Germans have anything to do with it, after all it preserves the skewed Euro exchange rate that helps them sell Mercedes, BMWs, Audis abroad ……..

  131. 131
    Marion the cat says:

    Britain (or even England) desperately nrrds a UKIP party but unfortunately it isn’t Dave’s lot or indeed the one trick pony UKIP.
    Still Looking !

  132. 132
    Archie says:

    Down with the Shameronians! Long live UKIP!

  133. 133
    Archie says:

    I could marry any woman who uses language like that!

  134. 134
    Archie says:

    Home county Tories are just as tribal as the Labourites oop North, if not more so.

  135. 135
    Lizard King says:

    He’s too ugly for the beautiful party.

  136. 136
    Joe the Plumber says:


  137. 137
    Backstabber says:

    “They need better people who aren’t inexperienced, eccentric, wierd, or all three.”

    People like that don’t join a Political Party.

    ANY Political Party.

  138. 138
    Rottweiler Ron says:

    NEVER? Surely that can’t be right. Not soon, perhaps, but never?

    UKIP must be better than the 3 failed old parties with their dead-head leaders.

  139. 139
    Rottweiler Ron says:

    A week in politics is a long time – Harold Wilson.

  140. 140
    nick says:

    UkIP tell it like it is. Farage is very good and sticks to what he says.TRhe coalition has proved one thing though- Lib dems should never be allowed nesr government-they really are a waste of space.Roll on Dan Hannan

  141. 141

    SO… assuming that, theoretically we could unpick the stitching (up?) on our membership, and lets ignore the huge f*cking backlash from our disgruntled ex-partners on our balance of payments (note to self…ask Huhne about THIS can of worms) – you will have achieved your one and only aim. So will UKIP disband and f*ck off then, leaving us all in peace?

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