March 2nd, 2012

Don’t Miss Tomorrow’s Guidogram for the Round-Up of the Week

It was a busy news week, if you missed a few stories you can get our news round-up emailed on Saturday and read the blog in the Daily Star on Sunday. We’re a 7-days-a-week multi-platform news blogging operation. Subscribing to the Guidogram makes sure that you get emailed Guido’s weekly round up of the week. Thousands of Westminster insiders read it, Downing Street never misses it.

Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop.

You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Tachybaptus says:

    I’ve never understood that last line. If we were with you in your aims, we would be beside you.

  2. 2
    Ed Balls says:

    I’m most definitely infront of you big boy!

  3. 3
    Blue Sky Hilton says:

    It’s all too much for me

    I prefer earhtquakes in california than actually facing the music in the UK with my luvely ideas…

    Fuck all of you

  4. 4
    Historian says:

    What an assshole

  5. 5
    Damian McBride says:

    I was your predecessor in smearing Guido

    You are catching up I see

  6. 6
    Fabians are Evil says:

    “The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living”

    This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It’s her future she is worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system that she is being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.

    Nov 18, 2011

    Put me in charge . . …

    Put me in charge of food grants.. I’d get rid of cash for potato chips or chocolate, just money for 50kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

    Put me in charge of Healthcare. The first thing I’d do is to get young women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

    Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
    You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

    Put me in charge of compulsory job search. In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the common good..

    Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

    If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

    AND While you are on benefits, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest…..You will vote for a ˜welfare pushing Govt’ only. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a benefits . If you want to vote, then get a job.”

    She sounds like my sort of Gal!

  7. 7
    A Tosser posing as a PM says:

    I’m still wondering what I can do to stop people joining UK!P.

    Perhaps if I l!ed again and promised to do something about the EUSSR they would stay Conned, and not split the vote.

    There again, musn’t say too much – I’ve got a nice little follow-up job in Brussels when I leave here.

  8. 8
    Cast-Iron Cameron says:

    I prefer to get my news and opinions from the Guardian. Therefore I will do nothing to stop the huge subsidy they receive from the taxpayer in the form of public sector job adverts. As an added bonus this ensures all people who work for the state will continue to have acceptable opinions and not bang on about conservative things.

  9. 9
    Gordon Brown says:

    If nursie makes me wear my boxing gloves tonight, I’m going to give my teddy a good bashing.

  10. 10
  11. 11

    Guinness is good for you.

    It is just an ad-man’s line.

    They stopped them from advertising that.

    But Guinness has been very good for me, in fact.

  12. 12
    81IIy 8owden i5 7he gre@test ump1re ever ! says:

    I think it is a great line

  13. 13
    Give Me A Job says:

    If it was Labour it would be 120,000 fucking Indians.

  14. 14
    anonymous says:

    petrol £141.99 by me

    nice government

  15. 15
    81IIy 8owden i5 7he gre@test ump1re ever ! says:

    i have told your before Gordie, it is your willy not your teddy

  16. 16
    Milky Bar Kid says:

    The perv and MP basher Eric Joyce says he will continue to scrounge from the tax payers until 2015 and then he will resign. Seriously! The guy is delusional. :)

  17. 17
    WVM says:

    Dog shit vs Cat shit…

  18. 18
    Well it's a thought says:

    If Liebour hadn’t put fuel prices up every few months when they ran the country into the ground, then it might have been cheaper, they put the so called green laws into place.

  19. 19
    WVM says:

    Now that’s fucking expensive, it’s only 139.9p a litre up here… atm.

  20. 20
    Well it's a thought says:

    Sadly he’s not, he was voted in until the next Parliament and if he doesn’t get a long clink sentence or put on the naughty step for a long time then he’s untouchable.

  21. 21
    Well it's a thought says:

    Fed up with this mod you put e a together and your comment gets stuffed.

  22. 22
    Lord Mandelbum of Shirtlifting says:

    You could always put your teddy on and I’ll give you a good bashing instead?

  23. 23
    limpy Dave says:

    Ditto Union modernization fund, millions and millions of tax payers money, still.

  24. 24
    Birth control says:

    120,000 fucking Indians? That’s 960,000 Indians and counting.

  25. 25
    WVM says:

    Indeed, you can’t post the word ‘p e a’.
    Or for that matter any other word with those three letters in it in that order either. Strange I know but but it seemed to occur straight after the
    Diane Abbott fiasco on ‘this week’ a couple of years ago.

  26. 26
    WVM says:

    Guido believes in taking a precautionary line regarding all vegetables, even if that includes curtailing free expression.

  27. 27

    Maybe – but you can’t snort Guinness. :-;

  28. 28

    oops _¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•_.. ;-)

  29. 29
    Some Geezer wot's never been bothered by Guido's catchphrase says:

    If you’re not “in front of Guido,” as in: You know more of the dirt than he does, then you’re “behind,” as in: You’re starting at a distinct disadvantage, and reading Guido’s blog will soon rid you of it. That’s how I’ve interpreted that line. (Of course, “in front” could also refer to “ahead,” in the same sense as “He manages to stay a few steps ‘in front’ of [ahead of] Guido”; and those who don’t wind up “behind” the eight ball.)

  30. 30

    Sorry for the logic splitting but, if two men are walking backwards in step, which one is behind?

  31. 31
    Brendan Behan says:

    Guiness makes you drunk.

  32. 32
    not a machine says:

    The strange case of George Monbiots applause , for having no economic argument or resume on history on who caused the problem . Who became rich under which socialist goverment ??? even managed to get man made global warming a round of applause , when pollution is far worse problem .
    Tax the banks get 20bn er do you mean the nationalised ones , mmmm dont think that one will work.
    the water melon reappears .

  33. 33
    not a machine says:

    first one to have £1mn expenses playboy lifestyle , and groupie and hes Labour ………

  34. 34
    Guido's modbot says:

    You lot should mind your peas and cucumbers.

  35. 35

    Іf аll bе truе thаt І dо sее
    Sоmе lеttеr cоmbоs cаnnоt bе
    Еurоpеаn, prіаpеаn, hаrd (tо try!)
    Rеpеаts аnd Mr Spеаkеr dоn’t gеt by
    Іmpеаchmеnt? Cаnnоt mоvе thе guy!
    Pеаty bоglаnd sіnks thе cry
    Оr tryіng tо bе pеаcеful byе аnd byе
    Оr аny оthеr rеаsоn why
    Еvеn Cyclоpеаn wоn’t gеt pаst thаt еyе
    But nеvеr try tо pоst а pеа
    Іt cаnnоt bе, іt cаnnоt bе.

  36. 36
    Tachybaptus says:


  37. 37

    I schtole his face…

  38. 38
    Tachybaptus says:


  39. 39
  40. 40
    Expat Geordie says:

    Beautiful! It’s almost poetry.

  41. 41
    Get your Tits out for The Star says:

    As I understand it the only Person who is “beside” Guido these days is Dirty Desmond!

  42. 42
    Tachybaptus says:

    Forgot that < and > would be read as HTML tags, which wasn’t very ´ of me. Not a ` matter, but I should have been more ^.

  43. 43
    illogical says:

    Not in front of Guido- the order-order site on the screen, your are behind with the news.?

  44. 44
    A Legume says:


  45. 45
    Well it's a thought says:

    Of course you will still be paying the high taxes to keep the local politicians and local uncivil service and MP’s, Lord’s , Judge’s, PM’s ,lobbying, uncivil servants and spads and PFI, expensive contractors and their mates, horses, hospital admin staff, senior hospital admin, pilgrims, EU, money given to countries that will piss it up on anything but what it was given for and C02 , windfarms , paying for railways twice over, paying for the railway kit to give to contractors and uncle Tom Cobley and all, the loser will still be the people of this country, sort out the rotting head first, stop paying MP’s salaries/ pensions and expenses only via HMRC as we all have to do, if they want to work for the country for free then I won’t stop them

  46. 46
    anonymous says:

    im no fan of the police but wtf are the coalition up to n ow …

    everything for sale in this best of possible worlds – they don’t even ask the voters anymore

  47. 47
    anonymous says:

    by ‘nice government’ I meant both labour and tory/coalition – the duty/tax is about £1.10 of that total – bastards – wheres the lorry drivers??

  48. 48
    Anonymous says:

    Springtime in Libya:

  49. 49

    I like the option which lets me put what I like:

    ♜  .   ♝  ♛  ♚  ♝  ♞  ♜
    ♟  ♟  ♟  ♟  ♟  ♟  ♟  ♟
    .   .  ♞   .  .   .   .   .
    .   .   .   .  .   .   .   .
    .   .   .   .  ♙  .   .   .
    .   .   .   .  .   .   .   .
    ♙  ♙  ♙  ♙  .   ♙  ♙  ♙
    ♖  ♘  ♗  ♕  ♔  ♗  ♘  ♖
  50. 50
    Some Geezer wot needs to sharpen his Occam's Razor says:

    Leave it to B!lly under the nom-de-plume, or as he would say, “monkier” “Illogical,” to come up with the most logical answer.

  51. 51
    Well it's a thought says:

    So we have the continuation to what Liebour was doing when they ruined the country, left left were all that’s left.

  52. 52
    Handycock no1 Trougher in Parliament says:

    No way can they get rid of him. Keep on troughing and teen fondling Eric.

  53. 53
    'Gypsy' Dave Cooper says:

  54. 54
    Jenny Tonge says:

    I don’t like Marks and Spencer.

  55. 55
    Tachybaptus says:

    But the absence of black and white squares makes the diagram a pig to follow: try guessing which squares you can move the white bishop on to, without counting dots across and up. WordPress doesn’t allow coloured backgrounds for characters, of course.

    The Unicoders should have made two sets of these symbols, on blаck and on white backgrounds. That’s what I did years ago when I made a non-Unicode chess font for somebody.

  56. 56
    ArtCo says:

    55 where the fuck is 54 ffs

  57. 57
    ArtCo says:

    OK a fiver and a v rompeuys mandate to advertise this shit

  58. 58
    ArtCo says:

    Fuck it ive not got a fiver, i’ll give you 2 von rumpyy mandates, just found them in the shed.

  59. 59
    Bruce says:


  60. 60
    ¿ ǝɹǝɥ punoɹɐ dıp-dǝǝɥs ǝɥʇ ɟo ǝƃɹɐɥɔ uı s,oɥʍ says:

    ǝɔnɹq ʎɐppnƃ

  61. 61
    anonymous says:

    Dept. of Health – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    Dept. of Education – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    Dept. of Environment – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    Dept. of Leisure – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    Treasury – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    Cabinet Office – corrupt & not fit for purpose
    MoD – corrrupt & not fit for purpose
    Prime Minister – fancy Dan and Spinner – and bloody useless
    Deputy PM – who?

    we deserve better

  62. 62
    Bill and Ted says:

    Helmer defects to UKIP.

  63. 63
    Mr Jack Dromey says:
                 (  10/6d  )
                  \__   __/
  64. 64

    Let’s face it.

    We are Libertarians.

    We are always trying to do what most people tell us can’t be done.

    It is better than the old 255 character days. But you soon run out of road.

  65. 65
    A W Thompson says:

    Here’s a little dish I’ve rustled up :

                 ( I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum )
                  \____   _____________________/
                          Chickhen       chick
              rice/ /  chickhenchickhenchickhen \ \rice
            rice ( (  chickhenchickhenchickhen   ) ) rice
         ricerice \ \  chickhenchickhenchick    / / ricerice
        ricepearicepea                       ricepearicepearice
  66. 66
    Bairn of Falkirk says:

    For all you Eric Joyce fans out there

  67. 67
    Tachybaptus says:

    Up to a point, SC. I was a font designer in the old 255-character days, and I made many private fonts for private people. And they were all mutually incompatible.

    Now I design Unicode fonts, which are all compatible. Almost everything you could possibly want has a code, and the chess font that is inadequate for diagrams is a rare exception. Even this can be made usable, though, by making a bold variant of the font in which all the characters have dark backgrounds: switch your character to bold and it’s on a black square instead of a white one.

    Meanwhile, I am coping with the legacy of home-made fonts for classical Greek. There are at least forty types, and fewer than half of them have conversion software that turns them into Unicode. Every now and then, someone writes to me about some elderly document they have got off a dusty floppy disk in the back of a cupboard, and often I have to tell them that the only ways to bring it up to date are to pay for a macro to be written, or to retype it from a paper copy.

    So I like Unicode. Unlike some monolithic systems we could mention, it is democratic: you can write a proposal for the addition of new characters and, if this is sensible and well expressed, your characters will be added to the waiting list and will become official when the next version of Unicode comes out in a year or two. I have done this myself, and it works.

    None of this has anything to do with Guido’s blog — except possibly to show that in very rare cases, a large organisation can act reasonably.

  68. 68
    Lou Scannon says:

    Sometimes the modbot gets so offended that a comment just vanishes into the ether and you end up back at the top of the page. Do either of you know what makes it do that ?

  69. 69
    Cameron's digging the Tory Party's grave says:

    Just like all the real supporters of the Conservative Party.

  70. 70
    Tachybaptus says:

    I have had this problem sometimes when posting late at night, when I accidentally mentioned That Vegetable and, instead of getting the usual message about awaiting moderation, the comment simply vanished. I supposed that Guido had gone to bed and switched the modbot phaser from stun to kill, to save him trouble with sorting the queue of modded messages in the morning.

    But it is equally possible that this is a random event caused by WordPress’s slightly flaky software (look at what happens to the numbering, for example).

  71. 71
    Tory filth destroy Britain says:

    Read all about it: Tory-led government strangles private sector and kills recovery!

    “Workers taken ill on their holidays will be given extra time off” – thanks to Cameron and Cable.

    And you thought Labour were Bad? Really? This sort of Communist idiocy, courtesy of Cameron and Cable, will destroy Britain.

    End Cameron’s nation-wrecking Communist idiocy: Vote LABOUR!

  72. 72
    Viz says:

    Comments sometimes evaporate when they involve terms such as “massive whanger”, “knobcheese” and “hairy clams”.

    Or “soapy tit wank”.

  73. 73

    Interesting Tachy. Thanks. I am just a hacker at this.

    Get the chess set sorted then and I will give you a game. I will probably lose…

  74. 74
    Bystander #4 says:

    Beautiful! Thank you.

    Should be put up on every lamp post, street sign, supermarket door and check out, on every ‘job’ centre document, taught and examined in every school, and chanted by every MP on a daily basis.

    And that’s just for starters.

  75. 75

    Take it easy, son. We all vote Labour around here.

    Never voted otherwise. Any of us.

  76. 76
    Well it's a thought says:

    What’s up Camoron is just is just trying to be further left than red Ed, he wants to be the Liebour leader and bring id cards and road pricing back in, apart from that the difference between parties is who can make more money troughing.

  77. 77
    Tachybaptus says:

    SC: it’s been done already, not by me. There is an informally agreed non-Unicode standard for chess fonts, and various programs that write the board for you, using any of the fonts. Lots of them are freeware.

    They include at least one that supplies the HTML code for a standard web page that includes an image. You put this up on the web in a place to which you and your opponent have FTP access. Then you use the software to make your move, which changes the image, which is FTP’d to the site so your opponent can see it, download the image, change it again with his move, and FTP it up.

    You’d beat me at chess. I can play at a primitive level, but I am not a competitor. I think to myself, Do I really have to learn Kittenhammer’s Opening just so I can win a silly game? There are better ways to spend my time. I suspect that chess may be a kind of mental illness, like politics.

  78. 78
    Give Me A Job says:

    Steve Hilton Give Me A Job

  79. 79

    Kittenhammer’s Opening! :-)

    I’m off to bed. G’night!

  80. 80
    Tachybaptus says:

    Night, SC.

  81. 81
    In Front of Guido says:

    Guido is behind! Roger Helmer will defect to UKIP in the morning!

  82. 82
    Grim says:

    If Geedo is alongside Des it means he is coming up on us from behind, trying to shaft us.

  83. 83
    Lord MincingBum says:

    I always come from behind

  84. 84
    Exchange Rate says:

    I’ll give you 3 Rumpy Pumpy’s and 100 quids worth of Merkozyx if it appears.

  85. 85
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    You don’t get it do you? The EU call the shots and our errand boy politicians deliver their masters orders. The LabLibCon, is one party, the disagree only on semantics not substance.

  86. 86
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    If Dave & Co understood basic economics, they would re*alise that expensive energy equates to expensive everything, kills jobs, stifles the economy and drives jobs abroad. You could understand such stupidity from a socialist regime, but under a conser……oh wait.

  87. 87
    Controlled anger says:

    Fantastic video.

    Tens of millions of Englishmen and women feel exactly the emotions and sentiments expressed in that film.

    Petty our ‘representatives’ don’t.

    When the wheel turns all those bastard traitors can get ready.

  88. 88
    Jenny Tonge says:

    I don’t like matzo ball soup.

  89. 89
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Anonymous people – corrupt and not fit for purpose.

  90. 90
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Is your life upside down, going nowhere fast, then …………..

  91. 91
    I don't need no doctor says:

    It’s behind you.

  92. 92
    albacore says:

    Spring is here and the tax codes are blooming
    Sane tax milch cows just have to be fuming
    How many tax payers now does it take
    To stump up the moolah for one enriched fake?

  93. 93

    Le fabricant de chapeaux fous.

  94. 94
    nellnewman says:

    ++++Smile++++ The most trivial and amusing political part of the week has been twatson’s almost hysterical carrying-on about that retired police horse and the fact that cameron probably rode it.

    All I can say is Thank the Lord it wasn’t the inept twatson trying to ride it whilst gordy and his publicity hungry wife were cavorting around Chequers with the murdochs in their pyjamas.

  95. 95

    Le fabricant de chapеaux fous.

    (Pas de petits pois)

  96. 96
    Still anonymous says:

    I thought it meant Guido is gay, and you either give or receive.

  97. 97

    It can only be a matter of time for Watson.

    Silly boy.

  98. 98
    Dick the Butcher says:

    Well said sir.
    Come on Polly, Shami et al, you sanctimonious holier-than-thou bastards who know what’s best for the rest us – answer me this – what on earth are witch finders from the dark heart of Africa doing here in this once pleasant land?

  99. 99
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Did anyone watch BBC QT this week.
    David Starkey showed Rachel Reeves up for what she is. Reeves is soundbites, misinformation, lies and spin.

  100. 100
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Watson is vile. Why can’t he just be honest about his agenda which is revenge for his master Brown after being dumped by Murdoch.
    One day soon Watson!

  101. 101
    Durr... says:

    I don’t know about you but I am still thinking of the poor begger in the US Jail on remand for the alleged illegal battery supply to the US agents. How the feck did this happen?

  102. 102
    Dobby says:

    Yes, you give yourself up but still don’t get bail. A bloody disgrace.

  103. 103
    DelBoy says:

    Springtime in Libya is a strong (but wrong) argument for failing to act in Syria. I hope these grave batterers are proud of themselves.

  104. 104
    David Milliband says:

    Did you get Mummy’s permission to say that?

  105. 105
    Durr... says:

    Vote Green just to reduce the party power.

  106. 106
    Le Lièvre de Mars says:

    The price is right.

  107. 107
    Mulligan says:

    It took them more than half a year before they decided to charg that f&¤?ing Huhne. Joyce has apparently put his sclong where it had no business being, in addition to acting like a baboon causing bodily harm in a subsidized boozer. It could easily take a couple of years before we see his ugly mug in the dock.

  108. 108
    Mulligan says:

    Security companies employs mostly people that were too stupid to gain entrance to the police in the first place, in addition to sheer thugs. This will be fun: “activities up for grabs includes investigating crimes, detaining suspects, developing cases, responding to and investigating incidents, supporting victims and witnesses, managing high-risk individuals, patrolling neighbourhoods, managing intelligence, managing engagement with the public, as well as more traditional back-office functions, such as managing forensics, providing legal services, managing the vehicle fleet, finance and human resources.# Yeah, right.

  109. 109
    Parliamentary Standards Commissioner says:

    I will investigate Eric Joyce, if anyone reports him to me, and report back in six months time that I do not have the powers to investigate. Jahbulon.

  110. 110
    Gordon Brown says:

    Can you say turd on here ?

  111. 111
    Gordon Brown says:

    Can you say turd on here ?

Seen Elsewhere

Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath
Boris: Jihadis are W*nkers | Sun
Ed Miliband: International Sex Symbol | Telegraph
Javid: Let Tories Campaign For Out Vote | House
Ministry of Justice Loses Death Inquiry Data “In the Post” | TechnoGuido

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,716 other followers