February 24th, 2012

Don’t Miss the Guidogram for the Round-Up of the Week

It was a busy news week, if you missed a few stories get our news round-up and we may have an exclusive bonus surprise for this weekend. Subscribing to the Guidogram makes sure that you get emailed Guido’s weekly round up of the week. Thousands of Westminster insiders read it, Downing Street never misses it. Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop.

You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Le Monde correspondent says:

    What happened at your meeting last nite on lobbyists Guido ?

    I hope the audience was with you…


  2. 2
    Le Monde correspondent says:

    “I am overly sanctimonious and underly modest”

    Polly Toynbee should learn from Confucius

    Modern Chinese leaders have, and we see the results…

    The UK is now just a small part of a shrinking continent

    Going cap in hand to the Confucians begging for cash…

    How does Polly squa


    • 4
      Le Monde correspondent says:

      How does Polly square that ?


      • 19
        the magnificent seventh says:

        Welcome to Polly twaddle world.

        “The seventh Sun will offer jobs to those willing to put their pens to abusing migrants, travellers, trade unionists, single mothers, women, the unemployed, public sector staff, young people, Europe, foreigners or anyone to the left of John Redwood.”

        Yeah, right.


        • 21
          the stench of hypocrisy says:

          Has Polly got Alzheimers?
          I seem to remember Murdoch titles backing Labour wholeheatedly throughout Blair’s premiership.


        • 47
          I don't need no doctor says:

          While Toynbee abuses the UK earners.


        • 104
          The Paragnostic says:

          If Polly’s right, where do I sign up for this wonderful job?

          I can be bigoted with the best of them, and writing bollocks has to be easier than programming bloody computers, since twats like her can make a living at it.


        • 152
          Biased Broadcasting Corporation says:

          She nicked that list off Charlie Brooker. No wonder she defends Hari!


      • 86
        Ivor Tapeworm says:

        How does Polly squat on a glass table?


    • 39
      AC1 says:

      China’s a huge bubble of a place. Some genuine growth, but mostly hot air and exporting their wealth abroad.


      • 51
        Le Monde correspondent says:

        With reserves of $3.5 trillion, it seems the Chinese have a funny way of “exporting their wealth” !

        Or are you a socialist and I can then collect my fiver ?


  3. 3
    P.Mandevilson, the Eminence Greasy says:

    I’d like to be behind you, Guido.


  4. 6
    Maureece Glasman says:

    I believe Israel should attach Iran

    Like you Guido, Mossad have just contacted me…


    • 8
      The Defrocked Minister for Mud Slinging Watson says:

      I think you are a bottom feeder


      • 10
        Madoff Mandelson says:

        Two bottom feeders together makes what ?

        I dare not think…


        • 14
          please call security says:

          Maureece Glasman, The Defrocked Minister for Mud Slinging Watson, Madoff Mandelson – all the same poster. What a sad bastard that you have to reply to your own comments. Are you ill?


    • 9
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      They should attach what to Iran?

      Or do you mean they should take over syria and iraq, so that they’re attached to Iran?


    • 11
      small world says:

      Ahmadinejad is j*wish too.
      Takes one to know one


      • 15
        Moral Collapse Blair hero of Middle East Peace says:

        Does this mean mutually assured destruction ?

        It would elimnate several of my problems at the same time I suppose

        Assuming I have suitable notice to get the hell out of there…


        • 89
          Cherry, a pip says:

          Darrrrhhhhling – you’ve never collapsed on me!

          Well, not often.

          Well, not very often … but you’re a busy man!


  5. 12
    The British public. says:

    I don’t give a shit about Syria or Iran.


  6. 17
    UN Secretary General says:

    Another 700 illegal housing units approved by the I s r a


  7. 18
    UN Secretary General says:

    Another 700 illegal housing units approved by the I s r a e l i goverment in Palestiain territory this week

    Hardly spoken about in the “Western press”


    • 25
      I Remember You Hoo says:

      Illegal how so? If they own the land then what is illegal about building a home there. Are you saying that home building should be allowed for Palies only, regardless of who owns the land? So does that make my homes in other countries illegal too? Idiot.


      • 48
        UN Secretary General says:

        It seems you do not understand the difference between “owning land” and occupying it by force

        Go back to school and get a life


        • 60
          AC1 says:

          Er, they are at it’s heart one and the same.

          I think it is you that should go back to School. The real land owner is and always will be the local monopoly of force.


          • Tachybaptus says:

            And, in that eternally disputed land, it has been so since at least 1400-and-something BC when Joshua arrived there. Probably the local tribes he ousted had been doing much the same before he came.

            It’s the area that armies always have passed through between two historically more important regions, Asia Minor and Egypt. How could such a place not be permanently at war? The only law is finders, keepers.


          • The Paragnostic says:

            Vespasian had it about right when he kicked the fuckers out.


        • 112
          Oy Vey says:

          Don’t worry, those bupke arab schmucks are more interested in killing each other than holding onto our land. Besides we have the uzi’s and galil’s to keep their tuchis in line.



  8. 20
    I don't need no doctor says:

    What were the conditions for Hester when labour asked him to run RBS. Why is it Brown and Darling have not been questioned on this?
    Russia and China veto the UN over Syria. What the surprise? That’s how they deal with their own peoples demand for democracy.
    We are nearly at the end of Febuary and still labour are in denial, spiteful, hypocritical and liars.
    When oh when do we get the result of the Chilcot Whitewash?
    Losers of the week Brown, Watson and labour. Winner of the week Murdoch’s Sun on Sunday. Maybe a lead article on Watson’s £100,000 expenses claim for a flat.


    • 24
      Rat's arse says:

      + ever so many ‘Doctor’.


    • 27
      I Remember You Hoo says:

      Oh I really do hope the Sun on Sunday starts dishing the dirt on the sanctimonious, lying, Labourite scumbags.


      • 28
        Rat's arse says:

        Me too. I shall definitely buy a copy.


      • 29
        nellnewman says:

        Murdoch’s Revenge?

        Apparently he is backing the snp and scottish independence against scottish labour. Oh Yes Please!!


      • 31
        Some Geezer wot's an equal-opportunity politician hater says:

        I really do hope the Sun on Sunday starts dishing the dirt on the sanctimonious, lying, Labourite, Tory, LibDem and splinter-party scumbags equally. They’re ALL disgusting!


        • 64
          nellnewman says:

          I suspect that Westminster with it’s cheap taxpayer funded booze from a number of unlicensed bars, innumerable ericjoyces with blondes on either arm, prezzas and their innumerable traceys making out in Westminster offices and militwit and his brother shielding their family £millions from hmrc is Sodom and Gomorrah personified.

          Bliar would be proud of his creation!!!

          We, the taxpayer, are subsidizing all of it!!!


  9. 23
    Stressed Eric says:

    Eric’s charged with three counts of assault. Rejoyce! Rejoyce! Rejoyce!


  10. 32
    Dr Beaker says:

    A woman in her late 20’s came to the hospital today with her 8th pregnancy
    She told the first doctor she saw: “My mum told me that I am the breadwinner for the family.” He asked her to explain. She said that she can make babies and babies get money from the State for the family. It goes like this:
    The Grandma calls the Department for work and pensions, and states that the unemployed daughter is not capable of caring for all of her kids. DWP agrees, and tells her the children will need to go into foster care.
    The Grandma then volunteers to be the foster parent, and receives a cheque for £700 per child each month.
    Total yearly income:
    £58,800 soon to become £67200 when the 8th one is born, tax-free and nobody has to go to work!
    In fact, they get more if there is no husband/father/man in the home! The brother does not count.
    Not to mention free dental treatment, free housing, free council tax free school dinners, free tuition fees at college or Uni, free eyecare and glasses, free prescriptions and various other benefits…
    Total value of all benefits combined probably approaching £100,000 per annum which would require an income of around £148000 to create. About my salary as a senior consultant with years of experience and surgical skills in a central London teaching hospital
    Indeed, Grandma was correct that her fertile daughter is the “breadwinner” for the family.
    This is how the liberal politicians spend our taxes. When this generous programme was invented in the ’60s, the Great Society architects forgot to craft an end date… and now we are hopelessly overrun with people who vote only for those who will continue to keep them on the dole…..
    No wonder our country is broke! Worse, our Muslim brothers have been paying attention, and by mandating that each Muslim family have eleven children, they will soon replace the voting bloc above and can be running this country. Are we alarmed yet, is anybody listening?


    • 37
      UN Secretary General says:

      Of course not

      I continue with the Chipping Norton set

      I love xsp)ending time with my father in law Lord


      • 38
        Dave the Rave says:

        I love spending my time with my father in law Lord Astor

        And at Chequers

        And at my club White’s

        The grown up version of the Bullingdon Clkub at Oxford

        We are all in this togther you see

        Until we all sink


        • 40
          Historian says:

          It would be difficult to make up a true story like this

          And to think that in 2010 the UK is still governed by two members of Whit’s club

          Dave and “I control nothing” Osborne

          True decadence after the madness of New Labour

          It seems to be endemic


        • 41
          Marmite says:

          You are one sick envious puppy Dave. Silly sod.


      • 42
        Retired hurt in Chipping Norton with a HUGE payoff says:

        Much love to you David



    • 50
      Anonymous says:

      Brothers – the stinking pigs are no brother of mine.


    • 65
      nellnewman says:

      “The grandma receives a cheque for £700 a month per grandchild”

      You are kidding!

      We are raising our grand child and have never had a penny from benefits and never will. She’s ours and we will do whatever we must from our pension.

      Not everyone is thieving or bad!


    • 75
      The Lesson unto Noo (Progressive) Liars is taken from Mose, Chapter 94, beginning at verse 1 says:

      1. And it came to pass in those days that Mose was bereft, and he wandered about the desert. And Mincingbotty since those times had left him for many others.
      2. And Mose cried out with a loud voice, and said, Oh woe is me, for I am undone. Wither now is mine life that once was so full of mirth and servants.
      3. For did I not say unto one, Come, and he cometh, and unto another Go, and he Goeth.
      4. And no man harketh unto me, save one calléd Dave. And he is not of my suasion.
      5. And it happeneth that a bush, hard by, burning, spake unto him, in a loud voice, saying, Fear not Mose, for he that cometh after thee continueth thy work of handing moollah to those that thou, even thou, importeth into this land.
      6. Fear not and rest. For one day thou shalt be restored unto the Seat of Power, yeah even thine jobsworths and thy jobsworths jobsworths. For she that liveth in a Tower in a far away land hath foretold it. And her name TollyPwoddle, or that may have been lost in that which is calléd translation.
      7. And the bush disappeared in a burning smokey pyre.


      • 138
        Sir Aston Martin says:

        And thou art a scribe who worketh for pelf; for it taketh one to know one; yea, and thou toilest in vain, for it is not meet to be a scribe in this land, but a Pharisee, which is elected unto Wastemonster, and there buildeth his tabernacle, and his second tabernacle, in his constituency, which he flippeth when it suiteth him. So I say unto thee, forsake thine calling, and join the Labour Party, for only there wilt thou find riches, concubines, and fame.


  11. 34
    'Dave' Cam and his Wind Farm Scam says:

    All this talk of taxes! – and no one, thank goodness, – is talking of taxing Wind Farms!

    So I keep my nice little earner!

    Tone was right! – you can fool most of the people most of the time!


  12. 35
    Airey Belvoir says:

    It seems that the Spelmans have spent over £60,000 of hard-earned expenses on lawyers in an almost certainly vain effort to conceal their foolish son’s steroid use – which he was openly discussing on Facebook anyway. Not very clever for somebody planning a rugby career, and if the injunction does cover something he had already publicised himself on the internet, why was it given?( Or is it something else entirely?)


  13. 36
  14. 49
    Anonymous says:

    The end of Pilgrims.

    Swindon council has cut the shared job of two union representatives as part of £15m worth of cuts.

    Councillors, who met to finalise the council’s budget, said in the current economic climate, they should not have to pay their staff to do union work.
    Rejoice, Rejoice………..


  15. 55
    Fuck Islam says:

    Why is the British media trying to get us into yet another war when no one else gives a fuck?

    Has anyone seen ONE MUSLIM protest about what is going on in Syria anywhere?

    I haven’t, I’ve seen a load of the stupid Huntz getting worked up over a few silly books getting set alight (oh dear what a shame)

    Who gives a fuck if one Muslim nut job wants to kill a few more Muslim nut jobs?


    • 57
      B N J Chadwick says:

      Suppose they gave a war and nobody came


    • 67
      nellnewman says:

      What does abuse of human beings in Syria have to do with muslims?

      Abuse of human beings is abuse. You either agree with it or oppose it.

      Which is it for you?


    • 79
      Invade the world, invite the world says:

      The chattering classes may not give a fuck about Britain, but by golly they’ll fight to the last white working class Briton, for Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya……


      • 125
        Fozzie Bear says:

        Have we not sold Saudi Arabia millions and millions of pounds worth of sophisticated weaponry? Did we forget to give them the instructions?


        • 130
          Well it's a thought says:

          I would have thought , why pay for a dog and bark yourself, if you have oil you can pay for goods and services, so why get your young people killing other young people when you can buy a military from the West.


    • 120
      Costcutter1 says:

      It’s a religious civil war Shia government backed by Iran Russia and China v Sunni people backed by Saudia Arabia and everyone else. It is likely to be long nasty and complicated. Let’s stay out if we can.


  16. 61
    Nigel Doughty's Ghost says:

    “@OnTablets Pleasure to meet you”

    oooooooooooh I say


    • 74

      Аgаіn, І must stіck up fоr Bіlly Bоwdеn іs thе Grеаtеst Umpіrе еvеr !

      Hіs hеаrt іs іn thе rіght plаcе. Hе mеаns nо hаrm tо аnyоnе. Hе іs Lіbеrtаrіаn іn оutlооk.

      Hе іs а vіctіm оf thе pоst-Shіrlеy Wіllіаms, Mіckеy Mоusе-typе еducаtіоn systеm, stіll hаngіng аrоund оur nеcks lіkе аn аlbаtrоss. Hе sееms tо bе dyslеxіc tоо. Nоnе оf thіs іs hіs fаult.

      Hе hаs grоwn up іn аn аgе whеrе thе mоst іmpоrtаnt thіng іs tо аttrаct аttеntіоn rаthеr thаn thе nоblе Vіctоrіаn vаluеs оf sеаrchіng fоr truth, whіch wе аbаndоnеd durіng thе 1960s аnd trіеd tо rеdіscоvеr undеr Mаrgаrеt Thаtchеr.

      Bіlly іs unfаіlіngly cоurtеоus, аnоthеr аlmоst lоst quаlіty. І wіsh hіm nоthіng but thе bеst.


  17. 66
    Off to chokey says:

    Eric will end up in prison. Rejoyce! Rejoyce! Rejoyce!


  18. 71
    m'Lord PrizeClot NooLieBore Illumination, wearing ermine posing pouch says:

    Birds love a man in uniform!

    Anyone gotta sandwich . . ? patsy . .. ? . . . chips . . ?



  19. 76
    Next election slogan says:

    Vote Labour or we’ll punch you


  20. 77
    Eric Joyce says:



  21. 80
    Nell is a nasty piece of work! says:

    @Nell. I am a Scot and do you have a problem with this? You clearly have a problem with Scots in general and I resent the way all Scots are tarred with the same brush. Do you actually know any real Scots outwith your politics?
    You come across as sanctimonious, retarded old bag.


    • 81
      By and Large an Admirer of the Scots, - and grateful too says:

      Awa wi’ ye!

      Your products are good!

      Your Highlands are beyond compare!

      Your people are (mostly) honourable, – Gorbals, M. Brown, G. and a few others excepted.

      So steady on, – don’t give it all away!


    • 100
      The Paragnostic says:


      What a strange coinage – found only among the skirt-lifters I believe. And only used by posh Jocks who prefer single malt to Buckfast, and jugged hare to fried pizza.

      Good luck with the rugby tomorrow – you’ll need it!


      • 102

        Following my time at Castlehill and Orchard Brae in the late 70s, I have occasionally resorted to it. But in those days the Scots were rather a better breed than now.

        In modern times, I have bowed to the inevitable and refer to them as Scotch.


        • 103
          The Paragnostic says:

          Thing is – I love Scotland as a place – it’s the fact that they helped to keep Labour in power for so long that turned me against the Scots as people.

          I did decide, a few weeks ago, to be nice to Scots for a week or two.

          But now that the Calcutta Cup match has been played, I have called off my temporary moratorium on Scots-baiting.


          • Same with me. Last year was the first time in 27 years that I did not go to Scotland but that was due to logistical reasons rather than avoiding the deep-fried Mars Bar brigade.

            I have visited the majority of the inhabited islands and pretty well all the mainland, especially the Highlands and the Ayrshire peninsular. I found that the majority of the people in these less inhabited places are fine and welcoming, the complete opposite applies to the Glasgow/Grangetown conurbation and, increasingly so, Edinburgh itself.

            Like the French they can be charming as individuals and c*nts en masse. From having once been a passionate unionist, I now think fuck them.


  22. 91
    Eric Joystick says:

    How Liebour deal with people with opposite opinions…..


  23. 92
    Synic has left to give an English tramp a blow job. says:

    I think it is time for the English to be given their own devolved Parliament. It is both fair and democratic. Plus it may get rid of the massive chip on their shoulder. Reclaim your Englishness and your pride. Stop rioting! :)


  24. 106
    Top Cat says:

    @S-cat! Awa wi yeh you Gay pussy. The Scots are loved at home and abroad. The English football fans are loathed across the globe. Plus we are not so regressed in our development or so confused in our identity that we feel the need riot and bring global shame to the whole of the UK. Sort yourselves out! You are one lost nation and you need to claim your homeland back!


  25. 113

    Think you can hide down here? Typical Jock underhand trickery… Bet you’re a fucking papist! Certainly deluded. Anyone who claims they are loved universally displays a ego-related problem. OK, got that off my chest.

    To be fair (and I don’t see why I should!), you raise some valid points about English football fans and rioting. It had some part in my decision to emigrate. I do not stick up for people purely for tribal reasons. If something is not right, one must say so, however unpopular that may be. We do need to claim our homeland back. You are spot-on here but don’t think you are any better north of the border on this issue.

    Sort out your attitude problems and you people could be almost human… ;-)


  26. 115
    Top Cat says:

    @Gay Pussy. Yeah it is not nice for the English to be slagged off is it? If you can’t stand the heat then get out of the kitchen!

    Anyway. Moving on. How can you spot an American tourist in Scotland? He is the one wearing the Tartan trousers while holding a camera. The Scots are anything but egotistical but we are well liked by other nations even if it is sometimes based on silly notions of romanticism that dates back to Victorian era.
    To be honest it gets tiresome having to read the constant drip, drip, drip types of negative posts aimed at the Scots on here all the time. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was funny but its not, it downright nasty. So occassionally it is good to remind the English of their own weaknesses
    But you are right the Scots do have their weaknesses too.
    I do enjoy the characters on this blog regardless of their nationality! Bashing the Scots all the time just gets on my wick sometimes. But saying that I truly believe the English are being treated unfairly democratically and their Englishness is being eroded to point that they feel marginalised in their own country. I pray to God that this won’t happen in Scotland. I believe in multi culturism but up to a point.
    The only way to reclaim your Englishness is through devolution. As a Scot, devolution has empowered our nation and strengthened our identity. Hope the English can achieve this by having their own parliament. I really do.:)


    • 117

      Slag off the English as much as you like. Sans faire rien to me as the auld allies might say.

      I would hardly go to Scotland so many times if I didn’t like the place and (some, probably a majority) of its people. James 1/James VI was a Scottish king after all. The English accepted that quite rightly IMO. My library has dozens of books on Scottish history alone, including the 4 volume Edinburgh edition.

      The West-Lothian Question was first elegantly stated by Tam Dalyell. All his fears were realised and more. It is the attitude of a certain section of your politicos and a large number from the Central Belt that your irritation should be directed at. They have brought me to the stage where I say give the English a referendum about whether the Scots should stay in the Union. No guesses here about what the outcome would be.

      We have a similar proportion of brain dead in England. If I am in Germany, Austria or Italy, I can spot them a mile off. I listen to their conversation for some time before deciding whether to own up to being English or not. More times than not I stay quiet.

      I dare say that you and I could go for a beer and say all sorts of unkind things about each other but in a civilised and amusing way.


      • 119
        San Fairy Ann says:

        Sans faire rien ??? Non Monsieur, vous n’avez pas raison. En France on dit: ca ne fait rien…

        … but ze lazy eeenglish elide it all into ‘san fairy ann’ (whomsoever she may be/have been) without realising quite what they are saying.


        • 121

          Bolleaux. Go and stick it up your Académie française

          It was your lot that started it all anyway.

          Love standing in Arc de Triomphe and gazing up at the inscriptions of all those notable French victories in battle against the English. It does not take long before you spot the names of Agincourt, Crécy, Poitiers and you realise that the only war that the French could ever realistically fight was one of propaganda. As for the world of reality, forget it. Dualistic sods!

          No wonder Mel Gibson crucified historical accuracy with Braveheart.


    • 118
      Well it's a thought says:

      I don’t have a problem with most Scots, only the ones they sent down to the HOC, I think of them as rubbish from Scotland, I consider Salmond a snake oil salesman and I want to vote in a referendum that will take us back to England and Scotland, if Salmond wants to take the united out of 2 kingdoms then he takes half the debts and pays his own way, you have a good start with oil, water and electricity, we then can get to grips with immigration in this country, as we will be thrown out of the EU, now thats a referendum I believe England needs to tell the EU fck you!.


  27. 133

    Eric Joyce set to escape by-election as Labour ‘would rather have nutter than a Nat’

    Daily Record


    • 145
      Schrödinger's mouse says:

      Yeah, – I read that. Just hope that that (far from just one) rotten apple rots the others.

      Better keep well away from the paranoid psychopathic nutter though.

      Which reminds me, any news from Gordo this week?


  28. 135
    Anonymous says:

    According to scientists the average height of clouds has fallen over the last decade.

    The team at the University of Auckland in New Zealand looked at 10 years of cloud-level measurements from the Multi-angle Imaging Spectro-Radiometer (MISR), an instrument on the Nasa Terra satellite.

    The data showed that the average global cloud height fell by around 30 to 40 meters between March 2000 to February 2010, or 1% of their normal height.

    According to the study, published in the journal Geophysical Research Letters, the difference was largely a result of fewer clouds being found at high altitudes.

    Lower clouds help the Earth cool itself more quickly. It is speculated the change may be a “negative feedback mechanism” counteracting some of the effect of global warming

    Stick that in your windmills.


    • 140

      Given that most of our AGW politicians walk around with their heads in the clouds, this news surprises as I would have expected the clouds to have got higher on the anecdotal evidence.

      This would then explain why they have simply stretched matters beyond the limits by filling the intervening gap created with more and more bollocks.

      Back to the drawing board…


      • 142
        A matter of detail says:

        Given that most of our AGW politicians walk around with their heads in the clouds

        Merely a matter of detail, but until now I considered they went round with their heads up their arses, – or each others.

        So a noo perspective there then.


  29. 140
    Zimbabwe II says:

    How long will it be after that old terrorist Mandela dies before South Africa really goes full tilt at wiping out the white minority?


  30. 147

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