February 14th, 2012

Balls’ Midnight Encroachment On His Wife’s Briefs

The number of former and current Labour figures standing wasn’t the only reason Guido was a little surprised to receive a ranty email about Elected Police Commissioners from Ed Balls in the middle of the night. While the news was breaking that Moody’s would downgrade Britain if his Plan B was adopted, Ed decided to tread on his wife’s toes at 12:37am and send out polling data showing that Labour members don’t like the move. Curiouser and curiouser.

Yvette tried her hardest but failed, to halt Elected Police Commissioners as Shadow Home Secretary. Since they became a reality, the Party have been recruiting candidates:

“Ahead of the elections next November, Labour wants to hear from a diverse range of candidates, from all walks of life, who are interested in becoming a Police and Crime Commissioner in the area in which they live.”

Guido understands that Labour’s official position is to still oppose the Elected Commissioners, though they accept that there is nothing they can do until after the next election. The Shadow Home Secretary has been rather muted as a result, while a host of Party grandees line up to serve. Yet the Shadow Chancellor isn’t letting it go:

“You want money spent on front line policing to keep our communities safe, and at the very least to save money by holding elections alongside other elections. I completely agree. I’m writing to the Home Secretary Theresa May to ask her to listen to you and reconsider her plans. I’ll be back soon with an update.”

Guido signed up to this list to receive updates about the Ed Balls for Leader campaign, and he is now using that mailing list to stir things well beyond his brief. How odd…


  1. 1
    Ferrets says:

    Balls is on on the march. David back on semce, lasagne gate and this?

    Media grid must be fucked then.

  2. 2
    Grimy Miner says:

    It’s a fair cop, Guv.

  3. 3
    Encroachment says:

    ‘Encroach’ is not a noun.

  4. 4
    Mike Litorus says:

    If I were the little ladyboy, I would be more concerned about Ed Balls encroaching *in* my briefs…

  5. 5
    Ed Miliband says:

    Don’t thay bad thingth about Mr Ballth! He ith my bothh. I do ath he tellth me to.

  6. 6
    You were banned for a reason says:

    Shut it, Bíllý, you tedious bore.

  7. 7
    Neo-Guido says:


    It is a verb.

  8. 8
  9. 9
    Anonymous says:

    Odd Balled? hasn’t that something to do with freemasons?

  10. 10
    Ed Miliband says:

    I pwefer wisotto

  11. 11
    Wacko Browno says:

    You know I’m mad, I’m mad, shamon, you know I’m mad, I’m mad, you know it, you know I’m mad, I’m mad, you know it, you know, and the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again: Who’s mad?

    Sarah Macauley is not my lover, she’s just a beard who’s paid to say I am the one, but her kids are not my sons.

  12. 12
    No thanks says:

    Balls came on the Toady programme this morning. Luckily I was able to make a lightning lunge for the off-switch.

  13. 13
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’d like to wish you all a happy valentines day.

  14. 14
    Tooth fairy says:

    He’s got such an annoying voice I do the switch off asap too whenever I hear him.

  15. 15
    just saying says:

    FFS Not again!
    They may as well give him a daily slot.

  16. 16
    Tooth fairy says:

    What ever happened to that damage he got sued for?

  17. 17
    Well it's a thought says:

    Ah so that’s why I was getting all those anonymous cards, I thought I had a stalker after me.

  18. 18

    … while a host of Party grandees line up serve.

    I know I have been away but surely the English language can’t have changed that much. Is this the modern vernacular or some dubious patois?

  19. 19
    bluebottle says:

    Will you hit me over my head with your big truncheon when I am not looking please.

  20. 20
    Rh- says:

    Balls: Yvette, what do you want for valentines day?
    Yvette: a good shafting
    Balls: no problem (email sent)

  21. 21
    Ichabod says:

    I’ve had plenty of experience of the Today programme switch off leap/lunge : i’ve managed to avoid hearing Robert Peston complete a word for a year or so. God he is more irritating than Balls.

  22. 22
    Anonymous says:

    The Labour Party are obviously worried that potential Police Commissioners may actually promise and go on to deliver what the people want, an actual Police Force and not an arm of the social services.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Neo Guido is permanently pissed these days.

  24. 24
    Displaced Brummie. says:

    Let’s say you have twenty rats in a very dark sack and you throw into the sack one piece of meat for each rat, with its own name on its piece of meat.

    The problem is that rats can’t read, so each piece of meat looks like any other piece of meat to a rat. They are also greedy, so will try to take as much of the other rat’s meat as possible.

    The real fun starts when they commence to eat each other. “Rat Balls! Stop gnawing on Rat Cooper’s leg!” That type of thing…

  25. 25
    Displaced Brummie. says:

    Yeah, but in fairness, you can’t even remember your own moniker…

  26. 26
    Morrisey says:

    It was really nothing.

  27. 27
    it's a strain says:

    His words crumble out of his mouth like 10 day old shit from a compacted anus.

  28. 28
    jgm2 says:

    Labour it was who politicesed the Met to the point where they could control at what time and place of their choosing News International got nabbed for phone hacking. And what searching questions would be asked of Tony Blair over ‘cash for honours’. It is only natural to Labour that what should be a non-political appointment of police commissioners is being hi-jacked to cause trouble in T*ry councils and turn a blind eye in Labour councils.

    Tell me that the other political parties are not going to stand by and watch Labour hijack all the police forces as well as the Met.

  29. 29
    the white rabbit says:

    Trust you to come out swinging your handbag in defence of that cretin.

  30. 30
    Raving Loon says:

    Ed Balls’ “brief” should be to stop being such a Huhne and be quiet.

  31. 31
    Spot the Dog with Dirty Balls says:


  32. 32
    Spot the Dirty Dog with Balls says:


  33. 33
    Gordon Brown says:

    I love to encroach on balls.

  34. 34
  35. 35
    Steve Lloyd says:

    Not if they let buffons like fatty Prescott get appointed. Surely the people of Hull are not that! stupid

  36. 36
    jgm2 says:

    Prescott – bringing to law’n’order what he brought to urban planning. 100,000 new homes on a flood plain.

  37. 37
    Steve Lloyd says:

    eg. chaos.

  38. 38
    Sick of the greed and lies says:

    “Thought for the day”?
    It might get a bit tedious when the subject is always “Flatlining economy by the Right(dishon) Ed Balls”.

  39. 39
    Tony Bliar is really not a nice person says:

    O/T…..What I have never understood is that Balls and his ladyboy of a wife of his were nicknamed Mr and Mrs expenses long before all the MPs were caught out…..My question is why aren’t the pair of hypocritical lying C U N T S not in prison ?…………Silly question i know but hey ho……….

  40. 40
    Bobby Peel says:

    There hasa been a very good series on BBC radio 4. “What are the police for?”

    Well it turns out that they are a law unto themselves and have no bearing on Sir Robert Peel’s original intentions any more. They have moved outside political control and have basically set up the largest social worker organisation in the land and no one has been able to stop them. The government is right to bring in elected top bobbies as the police force has inviegeled itself into every part of society and has lost all idea of what its role is supposed to be. Instead of asking how they can do more with less money or even the same with less money, it is obvious that they should be doing less with less money and concentrating on their chief role of preventing crime.

  41. 41
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Oh yech!! MINDBLEACH quickly!!

  42. 42
    Popeye says:

    I’d say black balled if it wasn’t racist!

  43. 43
    smoggie says:

    No nookie tonight for the Shadow Home Secretary’s Shadow then.

  44. 44
    robERRRRUMt says:

    er er er i um er um i don’t er er um errrh um i don’t know wh-erumumer-what you er er um erer umumu you mean.

    The Beebs best!

    Fail Beeb, totally fail (again).

  45. 45
    More Holidays? says:

  46. 46

    The problem for the two Eds is that there are a lot of unhappy Blairites out there.

    The fact that they are abandoning the leadership is good for party unity, but the downside is that there will be a lot of big names sniping at them from the outside.

    You can see why their Shadow Home Secretary does not like the idea.

  47. 47
    Arbuckle and Co says:

    Surely not that fat buffoon from ‘ull, the one with the beehive-fake-tanned-I’m-a-lady drag queen towing along?

  48. 48
    Tony Bliar is really not a nice person says:

    And a face only a mother could love……….

  49. 49
    Time to disinfect the area now you've gone babe says:

    The Hills Were Alive With PooSick then Rach, honey?

  50. 50
    Balls says:

    I’ve always said ” Not far enough and too slow and i never mentioned plan B ; and as for hardworking families I’ve never met one “

  51. 51
    Fresh and Minty says:

    Step on his missus’ briefs?

    He’s gotta get them off first. No easy matter I would have thought.

  52. 52
    Nurse says:

    Have you done your jobby today Gordo?

  53. 53
    Gonk says:

    Well played. I couldn’t avoid the retarded megalomaniac myself. Had to put
    up with about 10 seconds of the sweat stained madman.
    He’s got a big future in the advertising business promoting anti-perspirant
    and the need to stick to prescribed medication.

  54. 54
    Surely the people of Hull are not that stupid says:


  55. 55
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    It could be quite fun living on a flood plain. As long as your house was on stilts.

    It might be inconvenient if you can’t get everywhere, but the ground floor space would be beer storage, to be enjoyed when it floats up the stairs towards the living room.

  56. 56
    Fatty Prizclot is not fat - just big boned idle says:

    Lunging for the off switch – bit like the Archers then.

  57. 57
    Mad Hatty says:

    DO you mind!!!

  58. 58
    Nothing gets things whiter says:

    Why does he have that stupid look of satisfaction on his face? Gordo trying to pleasure him?

  59. 59

    As Mike said on the young ones when Neil said it was his birthday..

    ” Why did you announce it? You already know and we don’t care.”

  60. 60
    Gonk says:

    Quite right.

  61. 61
  62. 62
    Ed "Stand By Your Woman" Balls says:

    How’s about a nice ditty from the 60’s, everybody?

    “In my midnight confessions, when I’m tellin’ the world I love you/
    In my midnight confessions, when I’ve said all the things that I want to…”

  63. 63

    Do I have to repeat this until I’m blue in the face?

    I can remember my moniker – very well. It’s Can’t remember my moniker.

  64. 64
    Gonk says:

    Andy Burnham with me. My eyes start bulging and I start to
    strangle myself.

  65. 65

    Do I have to repеat this until I’m blue in the face?

    I can remember my moniker – very well. It’s Can’t remember my moniker.

  66. 66
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    I bet the Bean Faced Twat Limp Dick Toothpick is already signed up to get back to troughing some more public money !

  67. 67
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Oh ! and anybody encroaching on her briefs is liable to find they contain a cock

  68. 68
    Gonk says:

    Like hell you did. Probably sat in the car with window open a crack, texting some vital detail about cushion colours. Home for some offal.

  69. 69
    Mike Rouse says:

    Principles 2 and/or 5 of the Data Protection Act may have been breached. http://www.ico.gov.uk/for_organisations/data_protection/the_guide/the_principles.aspx

  70. 70

    If the candidates are going to be failed politicians or party political hacks then we may as well not bother. It will end up being another bunch of troughers interfering in the day to day running of the police.

    By the look of things, Labour are already recruiting their placemen/women. I see the recently retired Chief Constable of South Yorkshire Police, Med Hughes – another wishy-washy Common Purpose drone-, has thrown his hat into the ring, standing as the Labour Party candidate. Just shows how politicised policing has become in this country.

  71. 71

    The proof that the people of Hull are total buffoons lies in the fact they gave Prescott a job for life by continually voting him into Parliament.

  72. 72
    AC1 says:

    Only his mother loved him during his school years.

  73. 73
    Ed Balls UP-- pardon, I mean "MP" says:

    I’ve already started cashing in on my hyperhydrosis, Gonk; I have a deal with Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream (1% For Pe*ace):

  74. 74
    AC1 says:

    How did Lord Peston’s son get a job?

  75. 75
    The Paragnostic says:

    That’s Labour’s problem with elected commissioners – the chances of getting their placemen in charge, to push the multi-culti, more laws, more interference in everyone’s lives agenda that Labour cherishes are pretty small – given the chance, most voters will plump for someone who wants to run a leaner and more efficient force that concentrates on stopping crime at source rather than a failed politician.

    The idea that the police could be depoliticised frightens Labour – they see their control of the forces via Common Purpose, ACPO and the Police Federation (not to mention the Black Police whatever) as vital to their goal of buggering up the country and turning us into Britistan as fast as possible.

  76. 76
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Perhaps Fatty’s next bandwagon should be tax relief for boat owners?

  77. 77
  78. 78
    Anonymous says:

    Well as Maggie used to say, everyone should have a Willy

  79. 79
    SpAd says:

    I wonder how many birthday messages there actually were?

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    Not racist really, the odd ball is black

  81. 81
    The Paragnostic says:

    Bet you could hear her from Scarborough.

    Annoying dimwit.

  82. 82
    labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    Exactly like the Archers, but also like peston.

  83. 83
    Sir Robert Peel says:

    What the police need is a trained and introduced ‘officer class’ like the armed services. Until this happens we will have these uneducated, prone to corruption, mainly masonic policemen, rising to the top.

  84. 84
    Shire Tory says:

    NOCD Darling.

  85. 85
  86. 86
    Steve Lloyd says:

    The police under New Labour.


  87. 87
    Mr. Putin's Stolen Cat says:

  88. 88
    Desperate Dan says:

    Ed is against elected Police Commissioners unless they are Labour members. Just like Rusbridger is against phone hacking unless its being done by Guardian hacks. And Harriet is against rich people unless they’re giving money to Labour.

  89. 89
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Right, it’s a face you could never get tired of swatting with a baseball bat

  90. 90
    Sir Barrington Minge says:


  91. 91
    50 Calibre says:

    It’s all bollocks anyway…

  92. 92
    Ed Milliband is Jar Jar Binks of politicians in UK says:

    Jar Jar Binks was star wars phantom menace episode 1 character every time i hear New Labour politicians like ed balls ed milliband saying phrase “too far too fast” chances are eg the women in their lives would like them to go far and too fast in the bedroom! also a person said to me if you ever get your septic tank opened and man with tank and hosepipe to extract it out then when you smell the stench in the air think of all Labour politicians eg ed balls ed milliband harriet harman etc and the pig ignorant rich union chiefs and ask yourself “are you happy Labour are gone?” but expenses troughing is still continuing in 2012 etc it is year of the dragon not the year of the pig but 2013 is year of the snake 2014 is when politicians will be giving the people horseshit b4 elections in 2015

  93. 93
    Ed Balls Fitz Brown says:

    Can you please stop insulting me. Just because I like to spend (other peoples) money like a drunk sailor, and enjoy backroom ‘Et Tu, Brute’ shenanigans.

    There is a nice guy somewhere in here trying to get out you know!

    And its not Plan-B its Preparation-H for goodness sake

Seen Elsewhere

Bashir Twitter Meltdown | Mirror
Bashir is a Wrong’un | Norman Tebbit
Natalie Bennett Says it Should Not be a Crime to Belong to ISIS | Indy
LibDems Fifth in London | Standard
45 Mirror Group Stories Linked to Phone-Hacking | Press Gazette
Dave’s Diet | Speccie
Pink’O’Flynn | HuffPo
Trojan Horse Destroying British Values | Nick Wood
We Must Not Call Charlie Hebdo Killers ‘terrorists’ | Telegraph
Tory MEP Promised Bashir Investigation | Scrapbook
Stop May Pact | Times

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