February 8th, 2012

Leveson Wrap Up

For those of you who are interested in this type of thing:

Incidentally the allegations made today under privilege have been made previously without the protections of privilege. Nobody has sued.


  1. 1
    Boudicca says:

    The first witness statement says you were born in February 20111.
    Is this the sort of accuracy we can expect from the inquiry?


  2. 2
    Well played says:

    Yo Guido

    You batted well and hit Leveson with good counter atacking batting.

    Fabulous innings sir :)


  3. 6
    'Arri Redface says:

    Well well.
    First of all I ace the fraud and tax trial. Then the England jobs crops up, with me as main man for the job.

    I’ve done me lottery, put a few grand on a horse and now I’m going to to take the missus to bed quick, whilst I’m on the roll of a lifetime.


    • 59
      anonymous says:

      careful ‘Arry – you can’t believe everything the INBREED LONDON MEDIA say


      • 83
        Anonymous says:

        Any truth in the rumour that the FA are about to hand the England job to a man who by his own admission is less educated than the average 10 year old ?


    • 102
      Mike Handycock, Planning Supremo, Portsmouth says:

      Well done ‘Arry. I told you you would get away with it. My boys, your partners, are looking forward to seeing you back in Portsmouth for a good old knees up and a few more planning scams.


  4. 7
    Ah! Monika says:

    “There is £100 and 100 loaves of bread costing £1 each. QE creates another £100. Each loaf now costs £2.”

    That’s nothing, I know a fellow who fed 5000 with 12 loaves and a few fish.


  5. 8
    Lard Pressclot says:

    Am only interested in the oral.


  6. 11
    cynic2 says:

    Now will Campbell be up before the beak for putting his own statement in the public domain before it was presented to the inquiry.

    Soon we will reach the point where we all disappear up our own arses if we speak words related to the inquiry


  7. 12
    Ian E says:

    John Higginson of the Metro explains Quantitative Easing:

    “There is £100 and 100 loaves of bread costing £1 each. QE creates another £100. Each loaf now costs £2.”

    … and the government now owns half of each loaf!


  8. 14
    A reader says:

    G. ‘First Witness Statement Regarding Campbell Evidence Leak’ is a fine precedential response for future requests, with one exception. You appear to refer ( me and others on here ) as ” ordinary people ”
    You must agree that there are few on here, if any, that fit that description.

    In days gone by PRIVATE EYE has had to raise funds to cover legal costs. Be assured that in the unlikely event that you should so need, you would not be left needing


  9. 15
    Divine Sarah says:

    I know you’ve been busy, what with one thing and another, but it’s been ages since you’ve mentioned News International. Has anything been happening there?
    No time to lose – I make it you’ll be minus 18,100 years old on Saturday.


  10. 23
    The problem with French says:

    I don’t have a problem with anyone being very overweight. That’s their own issue for them to deal with. What I don’t like are frauds. I notice Dawn French has a new sitcom on BBC2, made before her recent weight loss. I’ve never found her funny but my main problem with her is that I’ve always suspected she’s a fraud when it comes to her pronouncements about her size.

    For years she told us she’s fat and proud and that she’s happy as she is. In fact, she reminded us of that all the time. No one talked about Dawn French’s weight except Dawn French. This always struck me as protesting far too much.

    And now in the last year she’s radically slimmed down and claims she’s done it for health reasons. Utter, utter bollocks. For a start, she lost the weight after splitting from Lenny Henry. If she wanted to feel better about herself following the split, why not just say so? No one would judge her for it. But instead she spins this bullshit about it being for health reasons. What, only now? You mean all those years you were morbidly obese weren’t unhealthy? It proves that she was lying when she kept telling us again and again how happy and proud she was to be big.

    But the final lie is the cause of her rapid weight loss. She’s lost a huge amount in a short time. She claims it’s diet and exercise but others say that level of weightloss can only be achieved by gastric band surgery. But she won’t admit this, just as she won’t admit that she was never happy being obese.


    • 31
      EdButLookBalls says:

      The most unfunny woman on television, a non-comedy visionary, along with her ex-husband; “Waiter! Two gastric bands for the Henrys if you please”!!!


      • 72
        It's the way she doesn't tell 'em. says:

        The most unfunny woman on television is Miranda.


        • 75
          To Be Fair says:

          To be Fair one has to admire the ability of someone who can make a whole career, secure their own BBC series and win numerous awards simply by falling down and showing ones knickers


        • 104
          Gobbets Raw says:

          Ackshly I find Miranda quite amusing. but French and Brand are a dead-loss, never been funny and never will


      • 79
        smoggie says:

        I think Jo Brand is less funny.


    • 33
      Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

      I understand her reluctance to give the real reason for her weight loss. Inviting Eric Pickles round to dinner each night so you can’t get at the food is not an option for most people.


    • 37
      jgm2 says:

      She was just an enabler for a generation of British women to go ‘Oh, Dawn French is happy being a pig in a frock, I will have another slice of cake.

      Years from now archive footage of French giving it ‘It’s not Terry’s, it’s mine’ will be laughed at in the same way as we do old adverts suggesting cigarettes are good for your health or make you ‘cool’. Still, like Carol Vorderman and her adverts urging muppets to borrow more money I don’t suppose she gives a shit. Mind you, with a gastric band, it’ll be more of a slurry.


    • 68
      Absolutely Fabulous says:

      Its called the heartbreak diet darling, this is soon followed by the heartbreak tattoo , the heartbreak breakdown on “loose women” before finally leading to the heartbreak Donkey Sanctuary


      • 70
        jgm2 says:

        Or the heartbreak Moroccan husband 30 years your junior who you really ‘connect’ with in a way that words can’t express. Which is lucky because he sp*eaks no English.


  11. 25
    Hilarious squirming says:

    Labour’s Liz Kendall was squirming a moment ago as Paxman asked about Labour’s dreadful record on the NHS in Wales. She kept trying to dodge it by saying “I want to talk about England” but he said “I’m asking you about Wales” and told her there are worse health outcomes in Wales and longer waiting times but again she just dodged it. Typical.


  12. 26
    Peter Hain says:

    That was a strong and assured performance by Dear Leader Ed Jong-Mil at today’s PMQs.


    • 43
      David Minibanana says:

      DUEMA !! !!

      Latest #YouGov poll: #Conservatives 40; #Labour 38; Lib Dem 10. #wallaceandgromit


      • 54
        AC1 says:

        Coalition 50% labour 38%.


        • 67
          jgm2 says:


          It’s depressing isn’t it? Less than two years gone and already an additional 10% of voters have forgotten which incompetent jackasses destroyed the UK economy.


          • smoggie says:

            If you owe your well paid non-job to the previous incumbents but it is under threat by the present regime then what you’re gonna do? Turkeys don’t vote for Christmas.


  13. 35
    Gordon Brown says:

    I demand that the No10 website state that I was elected prime minister by millions of voters and that I saved the world, or else I’ll get all angry and mobile throwy.


    • 39
      jgm2 says:

      I’m liking the evolution of your dating ads Guido. That single parent one with the Tuscany backdrop and the fitness one with the cleavage are several upgrades from the desperate orange women from maturedating.


      • 42
        The Paragnostic says:

        I don’t like it – give me the orange slapper any day.

        I could happily imagine it’s Hain’s missus, and rip the pitch up accordingly.


  14. 38
    One of the mysteries of the universe says:

    Michael Fabricant’s hair. Why?


  15. 40
    A racist ageist. says:


    • 41
      jgm2 says:

      Capello has the right idea. It looks like Hester was close to quitting too over this manufactured bollocks about his bonus. He’s a better (or more stupid) man than me. I’d have given ‘em the finger and walked.


  16. 46
    Some Geezer wot figures that the reporters become what they behold says:

    Guido, I appreciate what you’re doing in terms of trying to expose the whole “lobby rules” hypocrisy in which a reporter who knows an MP is not telling the truth cannot do squat about it, since (s)he would lose access if (s)he reported that to to be the case. But your example of then-Opposition Leader Cameron cutting someone out who displeased him is not the only example of how that game is played. You would do well to explain how certain Ministers and other higher-ups select certain reporter types to play the no-direct-attribution-but-when-reached-for-comment game, a variant of the Francis Urquhart “I couldn’t possibly comment” ruse. Some reporters will, if they treat the Minister as the Minister wishes to be treated i.e. as the repository of all wisdom, get a horse’s-mouth[!] full briefing which they are assured they can run with so long as they allude to the fact that the Minister will have a full and open statement on the same subject the next day to the whole press corps. The story is usually written as “High-placed sources at Westminster expect Secretary of State for Silly Walks Joe McDoakes to announce, at his presser tomorrow, Policy X, which has been kicking around for months. The Fishwrap, attempting to follow up on this lead, was told a press release would be forthcoming that would confirm this…” and then the article proceeds to do what should strictly be called an analysis if they weren’t privy to the facts. Obviously, the Fishwrap’s in-depth take on the story will be spot-on while the stories in the other rags will be surmise based solely on the bullet points of the handout and whatever else their reporters may generally know based on previous discussions of the issue by McDoakes or staffers on a non-restricted background basis i.e. “we’re not ready to make a definitive statement, but you can report in generalities that we are looking at Policy X,” a statement that is as obscure as it is enlightening and hence not really reportable when given.
    What this whole game does is to cultivate, nay groom, reporters to start trying to become one of Minister McDoakes’s favourites; unless they’re remarkably naive (doubtful) they know McDoakes has played, and will play, the same game with other reporters as well, but not THIS week, and that’s what’s important to them.
    My father used to have mates who went to the betting shops who would make the observation that the events they were betting on were rigged; my father asked them why they even bothered then. They told him that, although the outcome might be a fix, perhaps they’d be lucky enough to pick the right outcome in spite of that fact. Well, Westminster is no different: Sure, it’s all a put-up job, but maybe YOU’LL be the lucky one this week. Just don’t give McDoakes any aggro to make sure you WON’T be.


    • 47
      Ivor Tapeworm says:

      I never liked that McDoakes chap anyway. Didn’t like the cut of his jib.


      • 80
        Sir Aston Martin says:

        @Some Geezer

        The inside story, v. interesting, but are you aware that your post is long enough to be fed through a language-recognition package? That is, you’ve provided enough text to suggest your identity, together with your idiosyncratic use of punctuation and capitalization – plus unfamiliarity with the RETURN key :-)

        Look behind you, mate!


    • 81
      Howard Carter-Ruck says:

      Fuck me, even the Rosetta stone has more paragraphs


  17. 55
    welcome to wales says:

    They were told eight years ago things were dodgy. CEO of AWEMA, Naz Malik stole money from the fund to pay off a credit card. He saw it as, “an advance.”

    “The future of a prominent charity for ethnic minority people hangs in the balance as ministers prepare to publish a report into alleged financial malpractice.”

    Writing on the charity’s website, she said a disciplinary panel into Mr Malik concluded there had been “a completely inappropriate advance of expenses payments, the balance of which the panel instructed had to be repaid the next day”.

    The matter was regarded as gross misconduct, said Dr Austin. A written warning was placed on Mr Malik’s record after he gave an “open and transparent declaration”.

    Why isn’t this fucker in prison?



  18. 62

    Hi Guido

    You witness statement PDFs are the clearest exposition of the ‘way it is’ that I have read.

    I ‘get’ social media and how technology has effectively facilitated a broad change in behaviour, but even I was awakened by the clarity of your words.

    Thing is, these guys – Leveson, Dead tree Press, Lobby, Politicians – don’t get it. I really think they have not understood the sea change that has taken place. I worry, that when the scales do finally fall from their eyes, that they will knee jerk react and clamp down. There is no certainty that the future is free and open. Indeed quite the opposite.

    More power to your efforts, let us hope that you help lead the revolution and do not become ever more isolated and marginalised.


  19. 82
    Desperate Dan says:

    David Dickhead Cameron agrees with the FA that a man is guilty until proved innocent.


  20. 85
    I don't need no doctor says:

    John Terry.
    Terry two times his wife, alledgedly racially abuse Anton Ferdinand (see the Sky clip where you can tell what he said re f**king b**** c***, comes from a scumbag family with his father a drug dealer.
    Terry could have resigned as England captain until the trial was over.
    The trial is delayed until the Euro Championship is over. Would you or I get a delayed trial? Why is he an exception?
    Now Capello resigns.
    Great work Terry, a sportsman we can all look up to! Your display of arrogance is something to behold.


    • 88
      Desperate Dan says:

      Its the incompetent egomaniacs at the FA and Anton Ferdinand who are to blame for the mess. The Terry case is not proven and you are wrong to say it is clear what he says on the tape. The ludicrous Bernstein and the FA board have not only pre-tried the case, they have also treated a £6million world class manager as though he was a naughty little boy who does not warrant being consulted when the board decide to interfere with his team selection.


  21. 87

    I especially like the last part of your Second Witness Statement which shows your submissions are not self serving.

    You also have plenty of readers who will whisper in your ear Respice te, hominem te memento.


  22. 96
    The Principled Mr Alan Partridge says:

    ‘Of course it’s not about the money…’

    As the great explorer Cpt Spaulding said: ‘I’ve got principles you know. And if you don’t like those principles, I’ve got other principles.’


  23. 97
    Peter Grimes says:

    Well done! Keep it up, Fenian FatBoy, but please leave off on the pies or you will burst!


  24. 101
    Peter Grimes says:

    Heather Mills did NOT allow Piss Moron to access her voicemails – on Leveson now!


  25. 103
    Charlie the Chump says:

    Totally agree with both of your witness submissions, good on yer


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