Friday Caption Contest (Pass the Pistol Edition)
Green Leader Blames Terror Attacks on Britain | London Loves Business
ABC Online Figures for Newspaper Websites | MediaGuido
Why Won’t Obama Acknowledge Islamist Reality? | Nile Gardiner
£1.3 Billion Extra Raised Since Top Tax Rate Cut | Telegraph
In Search of Swivel-Eyed Loons | Speccie
EU Tries to Ban Conker Trading | Telegraph
Coked-Up Celebs and Vengeful Politicians | Press Gazette
What We Don’t Know About the Woolwich Attack | Dan Hodges
Woolwich Terrorists Were Al-Qaeda’s Children | Jeremy Havardi
Is Interpol Helping the Villains? | Peter Oborne
Transcript of Terrorist’s Speech | Times
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Nigel Farage hits the nail on the head:
“This olive oil ban was virgin on the ridiculous.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
“And your point is?….”
On the one hand, I’m guilty.
On the, um, errr……
“Do DeLorean do a windmill powered version?”
You see I had these fingers in Carina, and she had my knob…. Well you know so my foot slipped…
I slipped Carina one, when you were negotiating with Vicky about the emails. Sorry Chris, but you know how it is with us LibDems.
“A large brandy and Browning 9mm please, Tomkins. Then close the door”
Here, take this mills bomb as well, just in case…
Do you think my brains will go with this wallpaper?
Brilliant. But there is a bit of a flaw in there somewhere!
Yes, sorry, it does require the suspension of disbelief before it works. Oh well.
No point in giving him a gun to shoot himself. He would miss!
A horrible thought: what if the Lib Dem loon replacing him is worse? Is that possible? Is there a bigger twat than the Huhnatic?
Please, before Mrs Eyeswater and I open that rather splendid claret I’ve been saving, can somebody tell me if it could actually get worse?
Remember his namesake in Lie Bore, Geoff Hoon. I’m sure his replacement as Minister of War – oops Tone doesn’t want it called that even though that’s what it was for him with Kosovo, Iraq et al. – sorry I mean Secretary of State for Defence was warse than he was.
or shoot someone else in the back and blame Vicki
so you need a hammer to turn this on?
Always beware Greeks bearing grudges….
The green, green gills of Huhne.
Well it was like this, I hadjust come back from a grueling week in Brussels, it was rather late so I jumped n the car and I honestly didn’t notice the speed……………………
Was that honestly worth posting in the attention-seeker’s slot under Comment #1?
roflmfao
I’ve got super glue on my trousers and chair
“So I said hello to Big Bubba from E Wing…”
“As you can quite clearly see, I am a c u n t”
If I had any balls, it looks like they’ve got me by them this time.
What does Chris “Huhne” actually do?
1. dates a truly fugly ac/dc woman
2. spends his private income from capitalism in the city
3. puts millions of Britons into fuel poverty as a result of his cock eyed warmist ‘green’ (i.e. inefficient) energy policies.
4. hopefully, drops the soap sometime soon.
5. Takes taxpayers money which would be better spent on building a new immigration removals centre
You’ll find Vicky in one of the foundations at Robin Rigg….no I can’t remember precisely which fucking windmill….the property goes to the kids, do me one last favour though, make sure that Hunt Clegg doesn’t get the mansion tax through yeah? right goodbye and goodluck
What 2 people in cell this size
I won’t be driving this desk for a while !!!!!!!!!!
“If you hold the brandy glass like so, you can still steer with your knees”
Cost to the tax payer of shit energy policy, £billions,
laptop £400,
speeding fine fixed penalty £100, but revenge is… Pryceless.
Er.. can you order me a taxi to Pentonville please?
I suspect this is how Essex Police are holding my bollox right now…
I revoke my submission below. This is the one! hahaha
+1
“So when does the rent boy get here, precisely?..”
Winner. Blatently
“So I said to Clegg ‘If I tickle your balls like this, please can I be in the cabinet?’”
“…and so it turned out my ex wife had me like this…”
It was the wifes fault m’lord. I had been on the lash all week in Brussels and she volunteered to drive me till i sobered up.
Hand me the phone, there’s some bloke who wants to rent one of the cellars..
They have be by the balls
Its only lesbian porn milord on the lap top. It was the wife what dunnit.
“Will it be over by Christmas?”
I wish I could get to Harwich that fucking quick…..
So I grabbed Starmer like this see…
“I can’t believe I’m still fucking here”
“I hold in my left hand the sum total of my integrity…”
Nice one!
Clear winner! Well done.
Yes, I’m going to have a “smart meter” installed. Of course I will be claiming all my energy bills from the Commons fees office. Not that it’s any of your business.
In my cell
About as funny as your name.
Chris, its your ex on the phone, “R, A, E, P, K, W, A, E, N” ?
Never trust a man who uses pink post-it notes
Should I apply for lord goodwin’s job?
Huhne asks the invisible man if he’ll take the points for his latest speeding fine
Whilst hoping he can’t see what he’s doing to the Invisible woman
You forget Lightning Man’s role in this ditty.
You must take great care. Harry Potter knows who you really are.
Pass me my wand
It’s no use. Hide in the zoo and pretend you don’t know him when you see him.
Slllsslllslssllslllsssssssss <>
Go now! We must protect the horcrux.
At least I’ve made the pretence of plugging my laptop in.
I can’t do it. I haven’t got a licence.
Apparently politicians have to follow the law too… Who knew???
“Resign? Don’t be bloody stupid – that would require integrity and a conscience and as you can see I’m fresh out of both.”
“but if the Knight me they wont be able to touch me”
…….and this is how I persuaded Vicky to take the wrap for me.
Do you want some Tesco clubpoints free to let me go?
.
Haha.
My balls? They’re this big.
And they’re made of Brass
Can’t think of a caption, but something with ‘cojones’
As was later revealed, on the TV in the background was CCHQ quietly jumping for joy..
Mr Huhne was so confused by the laptop in front of him that he didn’t realise the stripper he’d been fondling had left several hours earlier.
She did, however, at least leave a thank you card.
“Get Chaytor,Morely and Devine in here, i need some advice”
Huhne: This Prison Governors office is not half bad.
Gov: In your dreams sunshine your off to D wing
Bubba Needs him in E Wing.
‘I need someone to take a bullet for me … Vicky’
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Huhne.
This pixie here… he was the one driving.
Soon, David Laws, all this will be yours..
The only laws worth abiding in this instance.
He’s safe. No-one has called him unassailable yet.
His windmills are unassailable.
“now you see the e-mails , *Puff* , now you dont”
Simon Schama does it like that, I do it like this.
You might want to get a bit of practice in bending over that desk, Chris.
OK I admit it . . . . . Vicky wasn’t driving. It was Carina.
Toyota Carina?
Bicycle Carina
Bicycle pump Carina
I can only use this laptop if the wind is blowing.
Guffaw
LOL
I betrayed my wife and kids, I put out slurs against my fellow Lib dems, I leaked cabinet business, I covered our beautiful landscape with windmills. I just can not understand why no one likes me.
I am far too important to be wasting time writing captions for your silly competition.
Now Polly, where to for lunch? The Dorchester? Simpson’s?
Scotland Yard?
At his office in the Times, .Huhne denies he leaks documents to the press
W H O O S H !
Faster than a speeding neutrino……………………………………….
Alas, poor Vicky, she’s done us in …
This is not the Huhne you are looking for…
Who says I’m cornered?
“It was with the lamp, in the office and it was erm…Vicky?”
So you see I just told this cop, “Don’t you know who I am?” and he let me off with a warning, simple.
and I had Clegg’s balls in my hand, just like this
Bloody Hell! Smarkets is offering to pay just £12 for evey £10 you put down if the Huhne is the next cabinet minister to go.
https://smarkets.com/politics/uk/next-government
If you drop the soap, don’t pick it up…
Follow my lead for imaginary air guitar jam to ‘baby you can drive my car’
Yes, I’m Mrs Huhne
Carina dear-is the giant dildo loaded? I’ve decided to do the honourable thing.
Naughty nude Sooty did the driving, not me.
“Yes, I was behind the wheel. But only because I tripped and fell into the driving seat”.
wınnėr
This!
Good one
Bedwettingly funny!
For a moment there I thought I was in trouble……..
vicky
take these
The pryce of a lie!
OK the truth is Guido was driving that night…
Top Gear reveals the face of Captain Gatso.
O.K. Not funny but the last words you will ever get to hear this man say.
Why? – will he have his mouth full?
My tie matches the carpet don’t you think?
Huhne fantasises about confronting Guido with an imaginary shotgun.
‘And then I’d say…’
I might be a complete tosser, but I’m $hit hot on the air guitar
If it falls to me to start a fight to cut out the cancer of bent and twisted journalism in our country with the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of British fair play, so be it. I am ready for the fight. The fight against falsehood and those who peddle it. My fight begins today.
Will this wind be so mighty as to lay low the wind turbines of the earth?
Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
He looks like he has a speed camera fitted to his chair over his left shoulder.
Huhne cups the balls of his invisible aide.
You want to handcuff me? I thought you were admiring my cufflinks.
Vicky Pryce, in the study, with the DVLA photograph.
Political Cluedo
“This hand, on the other hand, is usually in the till.”
She’s still holding my balls like this, just not as lovingly.
So Mr photographer’ you don’t think I will be King, this pose of me holding the Orb is perfect. Have you not realised I am Prince Phillips love child, It is not a coincidence that both Charles and I are ECO nuts.
“So Bubba’s balls are this big? Well fuck me sideways.”
Count on it!
You see, I put my left hand out to show we were turning left.
Now Oi couldn’t of done that if I was driving could I?
‘…and what’s more they’re not going to let me put the KY Jelly on expenses.’
Some say he had his wife take the rap for his sp*ee*ding tickets. Others say that he believes that windmills will provide enough energy to power the entire UK.
All we know is – he’s called
Chris HuhneThe Stig.Are you saying Vicky is really the Stig; no wonder she was able to make that trip to Stanstead in time!
He should be shot.
In front of his family.
No. In public!
Just give me a moment please officer, while I zip up my fly.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2089222/Ed-Miliband-boxer-Labour-leader-fresh-scrutiny-bizarre-sunken-nose.html
Miliband punched?
Oh, one more thing, if you wish to remain my personal assistant, make sure that expenses claim is submitted before the police arrive.
Whatever you do, please don’t put me in the same cell as Vicky.
The Huhnes open sesame! voice activated laptop lid refuses to comply.
Serious voice…. I was not speeding that night , I give you my word of an MP.
“I don’t really need two laptops, but McShane was practically giving them away…”
On the other hand at least Carina’s strap on has broken me in.
Winner!
Verbal constipation has left me stuck in this pose
So, I take the bible in this hand and say “I swear before God……” Well, just a few more small white lies, no harm done
Muslims get better food… in prison
“I’m a muslim look at my left hand.”
I too would be asking for the pistol if I was facing a £1.25 Million legal claim from an anti-wind farm protester: http://eotp.org/2012/01/15/2012-liberal-democrat-chris-huhne-m-p-faces-massive-claim-over-illegal-investigation/
Chris Huhne practises ‘Jailhouse Rock’ on the air-guitar.
E-mails, e-mails. though has duns ‘t for me.
“Just getting some ‘bitch’ practice in before I’m banged up.”
“I can’t hold this pose forever you know, i’m a busy man. So when will it be ready for Madame Tussauds?”
“Apparently Big Ron on ‘C’ wing prefers his to be cupped like this…”
Chris!! It’s not the bench you’re addressing. It’s your desk.
“………and in this hand, I hold my reputation.”
On the one hand I’m a lying c**t and on the other hand, oh, I’m a lying c**t
This is all it takes to get your wife to do anything for you.
One sick f*****g f**k f****r sick f*****g wallpaper, sick f*****g f**k drapes, an awfully sick f*****g taste in ties and a really sick f*****g f***k faced taste in tables lamps, brass, so 1800′s…..and when they have no limit to taxpayer funded f*****g re-furbs.
……..f*****g table lamp, obviously.
And this is how I’m going to tickle my cell mate’s nuts, a sort of left hand shandy.
…and who knows, once he tries black, he may never go back!
Context! Regards Diane Abbott.
After being read his rights Chris Huhne stretches his arm for the hand-cuffs.
At last, Huhnes “there can be no whitewash at The Whitehouse” moment!
I look forward to clearing my desk.
…and emptying my bladder and bowels….
“I am a man of many convictions, and may shortly be acquiring another one …”
Amoebic mp reaches out to feel the delicious last touch of lush, taxpayer subsidised air circulating at Westminster before the slide into becoming someones cell bitch.
“Just pass me my bi-sexual lovers double ended dildo and have done with it.”
I’ve only just found out. There was no hint from my parents that I was a twin …
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah….it’s me me, don’t you see, the mad mad crazy crazy completely nuts, Gordon Brown, suckers.
They’re coming to take me away Haha!!
I’ve always believed – oops, ‘scuse me – in the power of wind.
I’ve always been a healthy eater. Leeks and sprouts have made me who I am today.
Chris Huhne points the way forward.
I’m not going to take this lying down. I’ll stand up and lie.
Adolf could waive his arm like this and the points would end up somewhere in Poland
I pledged not to increase student fees, I promised we’d have a referendum on EU membership, I told you I was a committed family man and when it comes to energy, no-one has done more than I have to pass wind in this parliament.
I’d like you to take all those points from me before judging me.
No, I’m not missing the point.
Its like this M’Lord, I was on the way back from an EU meeting and had another senior Lib Dem colleague with me. Trying to explain how I had screwed the opposition, I demonstrated how I had them by the balls & inadvertently pressed down on my right foot at the same time.
When I told Vicky, as it was so long since I had humped her, she was so pleased to learn that this gesture to my colleague did not confirm her suspicion that I was gay, that she offered to take the points.
Of course I wasn’t driving. At the time of the offence I’d gone for a leak.
I was born a huhne and I will always be a huhne.
I can’t go to prison, your honour, not with this terrible arthritis
No, it wasn’t me…it was some other c_unt
Fine, Nick, give me the bloody ticket back, I’ll get Hughes to take the points, but don’t think I won’t remember this when the next party leadership elections come around …
TAXI !
Photographer catches moment when Blofeld’s white cat leaps from his hand and lands on his head.
in one hand the lives of my children…………
This is my second job actually, My first job is as skipper of a liner.
But there have been problems. I won’t go into details.
Look its simply not possible for a car powered by renewable bullshit and hot air to travel at over 70mph, so your facts are just wrong.
Pryceless picture.
Perhaps Lord Archer can give me some tips on how to pick up soap?
As you see, this was the thickest rug in the shop.
my defence will be it was a kodak camera
” Yes I flipped the points & its all within the Rules !!”
“As you can see, my fingerprints are NOT on that story”
State of the twat !
Enough to turn any woman into a “Rug Muncher”
I need somebody, body, body I need to whack
OK OK I’ll whack meself
Somebody got me this laptop on my expenses but I don’t know how to open the damn thing.
“Look; I’m not Gordon so its safe to pass me my fucking mobile…”
Why am I confident the CPS will do the right thing? I’ve got Cameron’s balls in my hand, and could bring down the coalition with one squeeze”.
“The officer caught up with me, rolled down his window and screamed ‘lay-by! lay-by!!’ I shouted that I was already laying a bi – and there was no need for him to blurt it out to Vicky”.
Beam me up, Scottie.
I think I’m gonna win this “spot the breathalyser” competition.
…and if you threaten me much more I will defect to Labour…
What do points mean?
They’re Pryces!
I was having a slow dance with my carpet-munching girlfriend when suddenly Vicki bursts in and kicks her in the crutch. Broke 3 of my fingers the bitch!
“And with the rusty (bollocks!) Trusty sword of truth in my right (oh, shit!) left hand, I will… sorry! What was the question, again?”
The very fact that I survive on the Shadow Front Benches and in Parliament is to show the whole world that the British do have a sense of humour and there are worse politicians out there….. So don’t worry Chris – you can be the same!
Battered old school Nokia on the file.
Can i have a cell next to Joseph Fritzel in the Liberal wing at Rampton please
You can see from the email, my ex was complaining about the SP50 Solar Panels I’d try to sell her..
The biggest Huhne in living memory practices the universal M.asonic sign of total despair, in the forlorn hope of preferential treatment from a sympathetic judge.
The twist being of course, that the lying Huhne is not even a M.ason!
I have a cunning plan……………….
“They had me just like this, but then my mate the Justice Secretary had a word with my other mate Starmer, and hey presto, here I am today and by the way here’s a copy of Osborne’s latest Top Secret Cabinet Eyes Only memo your Guardian readers may like to see”
“Come in, come in, take a seat. We’re just discussing the plans I intend to implement over my next 2 year’s in the Department before I assume leadership of the party…..”
“The Sunday Times has what!!!!”
“Er……look….er would you mind taking over the meeting? I’ve just become aware of….of…. an important matter that needs my personal attention..”
(Stands & exits office using that curious, stiff legged gait familiar to those unfortunates who, on farting, discover they have ‘followed through’.)
Look in my hand. Now you see it, now you don’t.
“Oh Balls.” “I bet he’s behind this.”
He’s guilty as hell, look at that tie!
“Sort your own problems out and change provider… there thats my job done. My word I am a total Hunt”
EDF have got the government just like this and that’s why I’m going to bring down energy costs by jacking up your electricity bills by 50%
I slipped and fell into the passenger seat!
“Constable, you found what on my laptop? … Oh yes, that laptop belongs to Vicky”
Redknapp 1, Huhne 0.
See Harry blamed his dog, and I err…can you edit that bit out?