December 30th, 2011

Friday Caption Contest


236 Comments

  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Dave: I have shown balls, not lets see yours, go for indenpence!

    Like

  2. 2
    Posh Dave says:

    What’s a Glasgow kiss Alex?

    Like

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    Members of the Albion and Hibernian Chinless Wonders Club

    Like

  4. 4
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “I cen still smell the deep fried mars bar you had for lunch”

    Like

  5. 5
    Salmond's Right Hand says:

    Salmond: I’ve got my whole fist up there now
    Camoron: Mmm…just a bit more to the right please

    Like

  6. 6
    shaken not stirred says:

    So, Double O Salmond – your mission is to take RBS into the Euro and finish the job….

    Like

  7. 7
    Captain Chump says:

    “You may take our receding hairlines but you will never take our freedom.”

    Like

  8. 8
    rocknrolla says:

    Tell me again, Dave, how do I get out of a cast-iron referendum promise?

    Like

  9. 9
    IanVisits says:

    Ok, you can have independence, but we get Hogmany in exchange.

    Like

  10. 10
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    ” The Ed Miliband fan club holds its monthly meeting”

    Like

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Both: You make me look good

    Like

  12. 13
    Anonymous says:

    So which panda are you related to?

    Like

  13. 14
    nellnewman says:

    OK You give up the Barnett Formula and I’ll back your push for scottish independence.

    Like

  14. 15
    Up sh1t creek says:

    Cameron says to Salmond, “I’m in Westminster, and I look down on you Scots.”

    Like

  15. 16
    chinky bear keeper says:

    haw pal … gonnie no hae one o’ them referendums ‘n that!

    Err … Mr Cameron, I do speak English you know!

    Like

    • 126
      Understanding the Queens English says:

      Thats good, so can you please tell me the meaning of the phrase “Cast iron guarentee” ?

      Like

  16. 17
    David Attenbollox says:

    You look like a hippo

    Like

  17. 18
    Go screw yourself Cameron says:

    ‘Green figure’ replaces ‘green man’ on pedestrian signs

    The green man has been helping Britons cross the road for decades, but one council has now decided to offer a gender-neutral alternative.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/road-safety/8984298/Green-figure-replaces-green-man-on-pedestrian-signs.html

    Brought to you by Conservative majority Boston borough council.

    Like

    • 32
      Dobby says:

      Kinell!

      Like

      • 47
        Greychatter says:

        I miss read it, I thought it said “Green Finger” – another PC council wasting money and sticking its finger up to the Council Tax Payers.

        Like

    • 63
      JH says:

      The ‘Green figure’ clearly has functional legs, is not morbidly obese or bulimic, is not a post-op LGBT, is not wearing a Turban, Burqua or Skullcap, is not an amputee, and is walking purposefully in a very white fashion rather than skulking around waiting for the main chance while exuding a sense of menace towards law abiding citizens minding their own business.

      In short, it is OFFENSIVE to many deeply oppressed groups. WE (ie YOU) must DO something.

      Back to the drawing board, get some blank cheques out ready to hand to ‘consultants’ along with the inevitable assorted other moochers, looters and wasters.

      In fact, fuck it. Just give the money to Lee Jasper.

      Like

    • 79
      Sweetie (woman of the year) says:

      It’s too obviously humanoid. This disrespects us pandas and I therefore find it deeply offensive, even though I never actually walk across roads.

      Like

  18. 19
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    AS “Veto this you toff nosed English twat” Gives DC a glasgow kiss

    —————————————————————————-

    Like

  19. 21
    McPoison says:

    Cameron: ‘Yes you can have independence as long as you take Royal Bank of Scotland and Bank of Scotland’s loan books with you. Oh, and tell Gordon’s mate, ‘Sir’ Fred Goodwin that you’ll be financing his giga-pension from now on.

    Like

  20. 22
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Two of the main beneficiaries of the “Keep Ed Miliband as Labour leader” campaign meet to discuss strategy.

    Like

    • 145
      Pietro de Manslime says:

      I agree,keep shortcrust until all the present shadow cabinet either stop
      taking heroin or retire (same shit !).
      Today,the only way to get ahead is either be ‘scotch’ or kiddish ! (sic),
      i smell ferment within the brew.

      Like

  21. 23
    9th Ramone says:

    Get Cleggie a seat in Scotland after he loses Hallam and I’LL vote for independence!

    Like

  22. 24
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “Its me or Merkal Alex”

    Like

  23. 25
    What a pair of plonkers says:

    Cameron; “Can I sell you a cheap used Cleggy?”
    Salmon; “No thanks they tend to stab you in the back!”

    Like

  24. 26
    angel says:

    Pssst! Alex, d’you fancy a few more billion quid from the English taxpayers? From one Scot to another, y’ken?

    Like

    • 154
      Must get a pseudonym one day says:

      If you join the EU after independence, you’ll certainly collect billions from the English taxpayers, just like all the other EU tossers do.

      Like

  25. 28
    Biffo says:

    “Can I interest you in the position of Deputy Prime Minister?”

    Like

  26. 29
    Alec says:

    You fcuk Brussels and I fcuk Westminster. Sorted!

    Like

  27. 30
    Dave says:

    Congratulations, – choke – politician of the year.

    Like

  28. 31
    Kered Ybretsae says:

    ‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a professional at it. So please continue!!’

    Like

  29. 33
    Alec says:

    Independence, or I’ll squeeze them harder.

    Like

  30. 34
    lola says:

    Buzz Lightyear (in civvies) meets Joda

    Like

  31. 36
    Steve Miliband says:

    He’s safely locked away in a ward in Kirkcaldy

    Like

  32. 37
    Snotsicle says:

    Dave: The label in your jacket is sticking up. Primark £4.99

    Like

  33. 38
    Alec says:

    Did you pack your bags yourself, sir?

    Like

  34. 39
    annette curton says:

    William Wallace and Gromit.

    Like

  35. 40
    I Squiggle says:

    OK, it’s a deal; you get independence if you take everything north of Watford as well…

    Like

  36. 41
    a non says:

    At times you can patriotically sport a kilt and sporran Alex, but my party would presently prefer me to be permanently wearing a skirt, and holding a handbag..

    Like

  37. 43
    Anonymous No. 462 says:

    Cameron: “My favourite line was when McCoy would say, ‘Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!'”

    Like

  38. 44
    David Cameron says:

    I wish I was as commanding a leader as you Alex. You appear to have principles too, how does all that stuff work out with you?

    Like

    • 174
      David Cameron says:

      Thanks for sticking this in the moderation queue for hours, I can guess why.

      So much for free spe… .

      Like

  39. 45
    Anonymous says:

    Salmond: Freedom, bigger helpings and seconds as well.

    Cameron: I see you’ve copied our old Liverpool policy idea.

    Like

  40. 46
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “No, i dont want to swap Clegg and Hunt for the krankies”

    Like

  41. 48
    Anonymous says:

    is that snake oil of yours any good for bad breath?

    Like

  42. 49
    Alec says:

    R – E – F – E – R – E – N – D – U – M, Davey. (E)U know it’s the right thing to do.

    Like

  43. 50
    The Stilton Eater says:

    “You go your way and I’ll go mine and we’ll both be in power for a decade.”

    Like

  44. 51
    Hugh Janus says:

    Man With No Lips meets Smug Old Moonface. With political leadership of their calibre we are completely stuffed.

    Like

  45. 52
    McQuarrie's Revenge says:

    Quinten Letts was right Alex. You do need Listerine

    Like

  46. 53
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “….you didnt hear then? Billy Bowden really did win the Order-order.com caption contest”

    Like

  47. 54
    Superman says:

    Independence yes for the proddies but no for the fenians ,Or is it the other way round? Very confusing,only a smart arse lawyer like me can lead them,Dave. Hating the English is the only thing they can agree on.You are well rid.

    Like

  48. 57
    Alec says:

    Och, ye shoulda known son, ye saw they were shite in coalition up here.

    Like

  49. 58
    I'm an ambassador, don't you know? I do all my ambassadorial work from my balcony in Tuscany says:

    Like

  50. 59
    Anonymous says:

    “Gordon assured me that the SNP cannot win independence”

    “Wanna bet”

    Like

  51. 60
    Ed Miliband says:

    I am Spartacus.

    Like

  52. 64
    In cinemas a week today says:

    Like

  53. 65

    Did you remember to send Guido that bottle you promised?

    Like

    • 169
      SHITTY GUIDO !!!!!!!!!! says:

      AH the Whisky,no sorry, dispersed it among the throng !
      but some twat did mention somebodies name in passing !.

      Like

  54. 66
    Stephen Gash says:

    “Alex, I hear you prefer inde-lite to Irn-Bru.

    No wonder Scots got rid of “Scotland the Brave” as their anthem.”

    Like

    • 143
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      Yup. The weepy-waily dirge of ancient glory never to be repeated is far more in keeping with modern Scotland. I think it’s all about the last time Scotland beat the English Soccer Team.

      Like

  55. 67
    Anonymous says:

    Dave: “Wee Eck, the chaps behind us in the cool hats? Mine. Not yours. Mine.”

    Eck: *parp*

    Like

  56. 68
    Mike says:

    Are your politics really as bland and smooth as you forehead?

    Like

    • 176
      Deep fried Mars bars 'r'us says:

      Naw Davy the new start fer os is MARSTOX,blended Mars with certain herbs
      & Heroin,with our very own secret ingredient ! injected into the softness
      of a southern Hunt, thus we will suck ye & suck ye ’til ye say.
      (please add)

      Like

  57. 69
    Ghillie says:

    Do you normally wear a haggis above each eye? Suppose they’re for quick snacks to keep your waistline bulging.

    Like

  58. 70
    Durham Ranger says:

    She’s a lesbian, you know.

    Like

  59. 71
    The Common People says:

    Dedicated to Bevanshite Ellie.

    Like

  60. 72
    Peter Grimes says:

    Dinna worrit, Davey boy. You make independence easy for us and we’ll keep a place back home for ye. Ye are one of our ain, after all!

    Like

  61. 73
    robbie says:

    You tak the high road and
    We’ll tak the low road
    and we’ll be in the Euro afore ye….

    Like

  62. 74
    Gonk says:

    ” Damn, I’ve forgotten my beret. Have you remembered yours ? “

    Like

  63. 76
    Iron Lady says:

    I never knew Thatch was a bit of a cutie in her younger days.

    Like

  64. 77
    Jimmy says:

    Scotland…Scotland…remind me, where is that again?

    Like

    • 94
      Sweetie (woman of the year) says:

      It was reported a few years ago that during the second world war, the SNP contacted the Nazi government to proposing that Germany invade England via Scotland, the Scottish would assist the invasion in return for which the Germans would grant Scotland independence whatever it was the Germans wanted to do to the rest of Britain.

      Nazi Germany declined the offer, for the simple (and fairly obvious) reason that if you wanted to invade and destroy the important parts of Britain, Scotland’s the worst place to start as it’s too far away.

      Like

  65. 78

    See, Dave—my forehead is more massive than yours…

    DK

    Like

  66. 80
    Iron Lady says:

    Contrast with Jonah in his pre-nokia days. http://www.moonbattery.com/young_gordon_brown.jpg

    Like

  67. 81
    genghiz the kahn says:

    The Head of Clan Cammeron meets the great chieftan o’the pudding race.

    Like

  68. 83
    Mike says:

    Does your forehead appear as a vast open expanse of nothingness?

    Visit our clinic’s website for details on how to disguise your total lack of coherent political ideas with a hair transplant.

    http://www.coverthatvoid.com

    Like

  69. 85
    Ali up north says:

    Go on then tell me how much did you get from Mr Trump for that golf course. I want to sell him an aircraft carrier.

    Like

  70. 87
    Philip McArthur says:

    “David, what the f**k am I going to do if they say ‘YES’ ?

    Like

  71. 88
    genghiz the kahn says:

    There’s many a man of the Cameron clan
    That has followed his chief to the field
    He has sworn to support him or die by his side
    For a Cameron never can yield.

    I hear the pibroch sounding, sounding
    Deep o’er the mountain and glen
    While light springing footsteps
    Are trampling the heath

    Let’s face it Alex the march of The Salmond Men just doesn’t even make a sound bite.

    Like

  72. 91

    “I’m following your advice. Take up valuable parliamentary time with a minimum alcohol pricing law that won’t be enacted in any meaningful way..make everyone forget about referendums.”

    “Aye! I got the idea from the hunting ban.”

    Like

  73. 92
    a non says:

    UK leaders discuss Grecian formulas.

    Like

    • 182
      DOH !! says:

      Yes ‘fags & booze’would be VERY cheap (remember ???????????????????)

      Like

      • 185
        DOH !! says:

        TWO things have brought us to this dire strait !,
        the all-encompassing of the EU, & it really pains me to say
        the Politicly inept ? zero savvy.
        (sorry 2nd glass of Italian wine).
        £2.60 A LITRE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

        Like

  74. 93
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!

    Like

  75. 95

    If you do get independence through, can you make sure you take Berwick as well?

    Like

  76. 96
    iron lady says:

    You can turn if you wan’t to,
    this laddie’s no for turning.

    Like

  77. 97
    robvsnature says:

    Dave – ‘Let’s have this referendum then, you feart, fat shortarse!’

    Like

  78. 98
    Lobster Throttler says:

    But you will still give us 50 billion quid through the Barnett formula wont you?

    Like

  79. 99

    On the debit side it means breaking up a 300 year old union and leaving us a problem with naval and airbases.

    On the plus side it reduces the unemployment figures by a million and prevents any more of the McMafia thieving from England. Its a no brainer, isn’t it?

    Like

    • 142
      England demand Independence for Scotland and no more says:

      “……leaving us a problem with naval and airbases”

      No it doesn’t we put a condition in the Independence Treaty that we continue to own the bases on long term lease say 100 years..it works for the Yanks on Ascension Island(ours) and for UK bases in Cyprus and we held most of Hong Kong on the same basis so why should Scotland get any special treatment ?

      Like

  80. 100
    labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    Camaron to Shrek: “You look funny without the green paint”

    Like

  81. 101
    StrongholdBarricades says:

    Ok then, but nae tongues

    Like

  82. 102
    Anonymous says:

    “Fuck you, you scottish Hunt.”

    (Works both ways)

    Like

  83. 103
    small time spivs says:

    We’ll both be forgotten in 5 years

    Like

  84. 104
    a non says:

    English Rose and Scot’s Thistle in discussion over who has got / is, the biggest prick.

    Like

  85. 105
    Kronos says:

    I’m your sugar-coated doll and You’re my Romeo

    Like

  86. 109
    Passing Thought says:

    Salmond’s quiff of independence doesn’t match Cameron’s bounce

    Like

  87. 110
    East India Company wallah says:

    So you’ve come to power at last Kim Il Jung

    Like

  88. 114
    WVM says:

    Just heard a BBC News interview with a Samoa and Tokelau representative about having skipped a day and jumped westwards across the international dateline.

    The BBC news reader asked the representative what about the people on your islands that have a birthday on the 30th of December? They’ve now lost that birthday forever so what will you do about that, will they be government compensation?

    Like

    • 130
      Its my birthday today says:

      I agree.
      My human rights have been abused by this decision by Samoa. Can I have compensation too?

      Like

      • 132
        Anon says:

        Whilst it’s not my birthday today, I do own a Times World Atlas which was quite expensive and is now obsolete. I demand compensation, plus damages for hurt feelings (aiming high – I expect to lose the 2nd part of the claim).

        Like

    • 131
      Eeyore says:

      More wicked cuts in the South Pacific. BB Pravda demand compensation for daily loss.

      Like

    • 140
      The BBC as divorced from reality as ever says:

      Yeah I saw THAT…What is the first thing that enters the head of the “State Broadcaster” …what about compensation for those that have missed their birthday? The Samoa and Tokelau Representative replied that this is not something that people on the islands are bothered about

      Like

    • 152
      Alex Salmond says:

      OK Dave, I’ll drop the referendum if you compensate us for the eleven lost days when you changed the calendar in 1752.

      Like

  89. 114

    Two things not normally seen in Scotland.
    A conservative and a vegetable.

    Like

  90. 121

    Once I’ve seen the pandas I wouldn’t mind a look at that famous Celtic Tiger you’re always talking about.

    Like

  91. 122
    Anonymous says:

    You and Whose whose Army?

    Like

  92. 125
    smoggie says:

    Pssst…heard the one about a German, a Frenchman and a Greek?

    Like

  93. 128
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Support our push for Independence and when we get it you’ll never need to worry about Labour ever again.

    Like

  94. 129
    Eyore says:

    Not so much a Salmond, more of a Trout, old boy.

    Like

  95. 134
    PURPLELINE says:

    Mission Accomplished Alex. You have Scotland and the Tories have England forever.

    Like

  96. 148
    Sonsie says:

    So you really, really want independence? OK, but we’ll keep our share of the oilfields, armed services and all that. Is it a deal, Dave?

    Like

  97. 150
    Forlornehope says:

    Now just bugger off and take Northern Ireland with you.

    Like

  98. 153
    Dave Wisteria says:

    f…. off you c…..

    Like

  99. 155
    The Tuesday boy says:

    Sooo Alex, why is it we never see you and Droopy Dawg in the same room??

    Like

  100. 156
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Christ, another, fat, cross-eyed, snot-nosed scots twat….

    Like

  101. 159
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    How do you solve a problem like referendum?

    (apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)

    Like

  102. 164
    Baron Hogwash says:

    Mai wee willy is bigger than yours!

    Like

  103. 171
    Phil The Greek says:

    ‘We’ve got one fucker of a case for mental health services in Kirkaldy Dave’

    Like

  104. 172
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    At least we’re not called Miliband!

    Like

  105. 175
    Lizzie says:

    Independent or not the English will still OWN Scotland, you ghastly little Scottish oik.

    Like

  106. 177
    Salmon is a Moon Heed says:

    “I call this my moon face” after the world’s biggest pub The Mongol’s Heed

    By the way did you really mean it when you said that you would require an English Referendum before Scotland was allowed back into the union when we crash and burn?

    Surely not”

    Like

  107. 178
    The Watson Watcher. says:

    Ooooh you are awful, but I like you.

    Like

  108. 179
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    So it’s true then , all you jocks smell of shit !

    Like

  109. 181
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    “There’s more than one way to smoke a salmon ”
    If you know what i mean !

    Like

  110. 189
    Woof woof... says:

    Lick, lick.

    We are both erm, dogs.

    Like

  111. 191
    Sir William Waad says:

    Aye, aye……’Baron Salmond of Auchterhellweet’….it has a couthie ring tae it.

    Like

  112. 194
    john west says:

    you might have a smirk Alex but you’ve still got that brown c’unt

    Like

  113. 195
    Well Paid Shill says:

    Alex Salmond: “If you call the Referendum early I’ll kill you!”

    David Cameron: “If you call the Referendum at all I’ll drop dead of shock!”

    Like

  114. 197
    Anonymous says:

    Yes, the Brown archives should be repatriated, and would you take Tony’s as well?

    Like

  115. 198
    martin alexander says:

    I’m sorry, David who?

    Like

  116. 199
    Rinka Scott says:

    Can you explain to me Dave what exactly is an Eton kiss?

    Like

  117. 200
    S.B.S says:

    Wankers of the world unite,,,

    Like

  118. 201
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘Fuck off back to England you Tory bastard.’

    Like

  119. 209
    Superman says:

    Ok Alex You can have Independence but you must take back all the Scots working in England. That bit of ethnic cleasing will create 2m more jobs in England and will be a nice precedent to threaten Jonny Foreigner. Scots always want to go home.So everyone is happy!

    Like

  120. 211
    robbie says:

    Kuato Star – King George-Ah telt ye.

    Like

  121. 212

    Listen Dave boy – any chance ye kin help us get independence before the Chinese and Russians invade??

    Like

  122. 215
    bollos says:

    cameron: “..and if you try and set up your own central bank…well, you know what happened to gadaffi..”

    Like

  123. 217
    Ian says:

    Ye wanna Glasgae kiss?

    Like

  124. 218
    Lizard King says:

    Cameron: Are they scales on the back of your neck?

    Like

  125. 219
    Mikey the Pikey says:

    What do Dunblane, Lockerbie, and Holly Greig have in common? Scottish (in)- justice at its worst.

    Like

  126. 220
    ho hum says:

    ‘Wee sleekit cowrin tim’rous beastie…’

    ‘Hello to you, too, Alex…’

    Like

  127. 221
    The Doddering Old Fart says:

    You wouldn’t believe it Alex but these stupid English think even with a name like my mine I’m one of them. They haven’t rumbled yet that the Camerons are ruling the English. By the time they wake up we Scots will have picked em clean.

    Like

  128. 222
    True Tory says:

    Useless pair of professional politicians.

    Like

  129. 224
    yoyo77 says:

    “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually Welsh”

    Like

  130. 225
    TFR says:

    “I look down on him because I am upper class…”

    Like

  131. 230
    graham smith says:

    thanks again for not wearing your heels

    Like

  132. 232
    Quantrill says:

    Geez one Dave

    Like

  133. 233
    Dave says:

    “I’m definitely squeezing yours harder than you’re squeezing mine…”

    Like

  134. 234
    Norris Stampton says:

    DC:Your aftershave, what is it?
    AS: It’s called ‘come to me’.
    DC: Nope! Doesn’t smell like ‘Cum to me…’
    Aye thangyou

    Like

  135. 236
    Bob R says:

    DC: So, how many housing benefit claimants can you take?

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

5 Things We Learned From Guido’s Party | GQ
Revealed: Guido Fawkes Anniversary Dinner Guestlist | Peter Oborne
More Owen Jones Errors | Michael Ezra
Why Should Men Get Equal Maternity Leave? | Laura Keynes
Dentists Have Last Laugh Over Sneering Keynes | FT
Why’s Clegg Giving Men Paternity Leave? | Conservative Women
Cam Cannot Stem EU Immigration | David Keighley
9 Mansion Tax Questions for Ed Balls | TPA
Politicians are Lying to You About Immigration | Alex Wickham
Give Journalists Public Interest Defence in Law | Guardian
Cameron is Going to Have to Deal With UKIP | Dan Hodges


VOTER-RECALL
Find out more about PLMR


Chris Bryant talks to the Times Diary about a famous gay actor:

“I don’t think I’ve had sex with him. He says we had sex in Clapham. I’m fairly certain I’ve never had sex south of the river”



Progressive Inclusion Champion says:

Great to hear Carswell call for inclusive policies and that UKIP must stand for first and second generation immigrants as much as the English.


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:






RSS




AddThis Feed Button
Archive


Labels
Guido Reads
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,534 other followers