Friday Caption Contest
Muslim Led Military-Style Free School Needed | Toby Young
How ITV Crashed Out Online Last Night | MediaGuido
Green Leader Blames Terror Attacks on Britain | Asa Bennett
ABC Online Figures for Newspaper Websites | MediaGuido
Why Won’t Obama Acknowledge Islamist Reality? | Nile Gardiner
£1.3 Billion Extra Raised Since Top Tax Rate Cut | Telegraph
In Search of Swivel-Eyed Loons | Speccie
EU Tries to Ban Conker Trading | Telegraph
Coked-Up Celebs and Vengeful Politicians | Press Gazette
What We Don’t Know About the Woolwich Attack | Dan Hodges
Woolwich Terrorists Were Al-Qaeda’s Children | Jeremy Havardi
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Nigel Farage hits the nail on the head:
“This olive oil ban was virgin on the ridiculous.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
Dave: I have shown balls, not lets see yours, go for indenpence!
Well, i was never an oil painting and you should see the state of me now, but really, i do think Abbott and Costello need a makeover.
Be careful what you ask for
I’ll make sure you get your referendum Alex………..
And I’ll make sure the British won’t get theirs
very good
Cameron: Great, another short, chippy, foreign twat who hates the English, despite the fact we have been bailing you out for years.
“If Guido and Neo can recreate poses in photographs for Christmas cards, so can we!”
http://stagevu.com/img/thumbnail/vboegycwgzcsbig.jpg
Bet your balls haven’t even dropped yet…
Alex, can you tell me how you fuck Labour up the arse with an electoral wipeout !
Interpreter please ! Billy’s been snorting the charlie again !
Silly Billy
surely billy not charlie
Aye it’s true, there’s mare Pandas than Tory MPs in Scotland noo.
Actually, Dave, proportional representation’s not as bad as it’s made out. The dumb voters haven’t a clue how to operate it. You should hold your EU in / out referendum, but using a complicated system of PR. Worked for me.
Haven’t your civil servants told you the full story about Lockerbie yet? I’d ask them when you get back Unless you want it all to come out, sod off and stop meddling with our referendum.
You’ve done more damage to Scotland’s landscape in only four years than England did in a thousand; how on earth did you get the dumbos to vote for you? I’m sure Chris would love to know.
What’s a Glasgow kiss Alex?
+several
I sorted Libya out Alex but Glesga on a saturday night nae chance.
I,ll take you to see the great scottish philosopher Rab C Nesbit he will show you Dave.
Members of the Albion and Hibernian Chinless Wonders Club
Who’s the Hibernian Chinless Wonder?
He aint in this picture.
“I cen still smell the deep fried mars bar you had for lunch”
Salmond: I’ve got my whole fist up there now
Camoron: Mmm…just a bit more to the right please
applause
More applause.
So, Double O Salmond – your mission is to take RBS into the Euro and finish the job….
“You may take our receding hairlines but you will never take our freedom.”
Tell me again, Dave, how do I get out of a cast-iron referendum promise?
+1
+1
Ok, you can have independence, but we get Hogmany in exchange.
” The Ed Miliband fan club holds its monthly meeting”
+1 lol
Both: You make me look good
So which panda are you related to?
Ed the Panda
OK You give up the Barnett Formula and I’ll back your push for scottish independence.
Love it
+1
Ok its agreed we deport all our prisoners to East Angular since its inconsequential anyway.
Cameron says to Salmond, “I’m in Westminster, and I look down on you Scots.”
Salmond to Cameron ” isnt it time for your morris dancing class ?”
Oh, so that’s how those diagonal brackets work. A happy new year to all here present!
haw pal … gonnie no hae one o’ them referendums ‘n that!
Err … Mr Cameron, I do speak English you know!
Thats good, so can you please tell me the meaning of the phrase “Cast iron guarentee” ?
You look like a hippo
Together we can destroy the Labour Party for good.
The brothers Miliband are quite capable of managing that on their own.
I’ve been eating like a hippo, all at your expense.
‘Green figure’ replaces ‘green man’ on pedestrian signs
The green man has been helping Britons cross the road for decades, but one council has now decided to offer a gender-neutral alternative.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/road-safety/8984298/Green-figure-replaces-green-man-on-pedestrian-signs.html
Brought to you by Conservative majority Boston borough council.
Kinell!
I miss read it, I thought it said “Green Finger” – another PC council wasting money and sticking its finger up to the Council Tax Payers.
The ‘Green figure’ clearly has functional legs, is not morbidly obese or bulimic, is not a post-op LGBT, is not wearing a Turban, Burqua or Skullcap, is not an amputee, and is walking purposefully in a very white fashion rather than skulking around waiting for the main chance while exuding a sense of menace towards law abiding citizens minding their own business.
In short, it is OFFENSIVE to many deeply oppressed groups. WE (ie YOU) must DO something.
Back to the drawing board, get some blank cheques out ready to hand to ‘consultants’ along with the inevitable assorted other moochers, looters and wasters.
In fact, fuck it. Just give the money to Lee Jasper.
NO,AT LAST SOMETHING FOR WHITE PEOPLE !!.
No, green people.
It’s too obviously humanoid. This disrespects us pandas and I therefore find it deeply offensive, even though I never actually walk across roads.
AS “Veto this you toff nosed English twat” Gives DC a glasgow kiss
—————————————————————————-
Cameron: ‘Yes you can have independence as long as you take Royal Bank of Scotland and Bank of Scotland’s loan books with you. Oh, and tell Gordon’s mate, ‘Sir’ Fred Goodwin that you’ll be financing his giga-pension from now on.
…………….& this thing about tax-free banking……………………………………..
Two of the main beneficiaries of the “Keep Ed Miliband as Labour leader” campaign meet to discuss strategy.
I agree,keep shortcrust until all the present shadow cabinet either stop
taking heroin or retire (same shit !).
Today,the only way to get ahead is either be ‘scotch’ or kiddish ! (sic),
i smell ferment within the brew.
Get Cleggie a seat in Scotland after he loses Hallam and I’LL vote for independence!
“Its me or Merkal Alex”
Salmond strikes me as the sort of man who’d get off being whipped by a German in jackboots.
ummmm who wouldnt?
)
Works for me. Probably for Ed Balls too.
Cameron; “Can I sell you a cheap used Cleggy?”
Salmon; “No thanks they tend to stab you in the back!”
Pssst! Alex, d’you fancy a few more billion quid from the English taxpayers? From one Scot to another, y’ken?
If you join the EU after independence, you’ll certainly collect billions from the English taxpayers, just like all the other EU tossers do.
“Can I interest you in the position of Deputy Prime Minister?”
You fcuk Brussels and I fcuk Westminster. Sorted!
Congratulations, – choke – politician of the year.
‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a professional at it. So please continue!!’
Independence, or I’ll squeeze them harder.
Buzz Lightyear (in civvies) meets Joda
He’s safely locked away in a ward in Kirkcaldy
Dave: The label in your jacket is sticking up. Primark £4.99
‘like the schmutter?’
I wish you would cut your finger nails.
Ah, but that’s what I want people to think I paid for it. It was actually 2.49 in the Boxing Day sale.
Did you pack your bags yourself, sir?
William Wallace and Gromit.
OK, it’s a deal; you get independence if you take everything north of Watford as well…
I would love to be a bus conductor !(the chauffeur could collect the fares).
think !
er.. unless I’ve missed an obvious juxtaposition, can I have some of what you’re drinking?
At times you can patriotically sport a kilt and sporran Alex, but my party would presently prefer me to be permanently wearing a skirt, and holding a handbag..
Cameron: “My favourite line was when McCoy would say, ‘Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!’”
I wish I was as commanding a leader as you Alex. You appear to have principles too, how does all that stuff work out with you?
Thanks for sticking this in the moderation queue for hours, I can guess why.
So much for free spe… .
Salmond: Freedom, bigger helpings and seconds as well.
Cameron: I see you’ve copied our old Liverpool policy idea.
“No, i dont want to swap Clegg and Hunt for the krankies”
Billies been CLONED,i can tel by the syntaaaxxxeeth.
is that snake oil of yours any good for bad breath?
R – E – F – E – R – E – N – D – U – M, Davey. (E)U know it’s the right thing to do.
“You go your way and I’ll go mine and we’ll both be in power for a decade.”
Man With No Lips meets Smug Old Moonface. With political leadership of their calibre we are completely stuffed.
Quinten Letts was right Alex. You do need Listerine
“….you didnt hear then? Billy Bowden really did win the Order-order.com caption contest”
It was one of his fakes and the line was stolen – everything points to Johann Hari being the fake. He may be asked to return the tee shirt.
It was not a fake and I did not steal the line – where is your evadence of theft – i dont even know who Johann Hanri is so why would he steal my monkier.
Why would anybody ?!!!!1
‘he protesteth too much !’
so no evidence huh – told you i won fare and square
Independence yes for the proddies but no for the fenians ,Or is it the other way round? Very confusing,only a smart arse lawyer like me can lead them,Dave. Hating the English is the only thing they can agree on.You are well rid.
Och, ye shoulda known son, ye saw they were shite in coalition up here.
Help THIS small child, ya Twit ya…
Which MP is that behind the bars she’s singing to?
Take your fucking pick !.
REALLY they should have cast a small boy!.
100% of the working class families in my house think polly toynbee is a hypocritical, two faced, fantasist who would know a working class person or their true views if they stormed her palace in tuscany!
pah d@mn progressive typos ” …… WOULDNT know a working class person …. “
Troll.
Half the people who subscribe to Polly Toynbee tweets are at the end of their tether…
“Gordon assured me that the SNP cannot win independence”
“Wanna bet”
I am Spartacus.
Nail him up.
Oh Christ not that old chestnut !
Did you remember to send Guido that bottle you promised?
AH the Whisky,no sorry, dispersed it among the throng !
but some twat did mention somebodies name in passing !.
“Alex, I hear you prefer inde-lite to Irn-Bru.
No wonder Scots got rid of “Scotland the Brave” as their anthem.”
Yup. The weepy-waily dirge of ancient glory never to be repeated is far more in keeping with modern Scotland. I think it’s all about the last time Scotland beat the English Soccer Team.
About as shallow as can get ! almost as rock-bottom as
PETER (dead eye) MANSLIME.
Dave: “Wee Eck, the chaps behind us in the cool hats? Mine. Not yours. Mine.”
Eck: *parp*
Are your politics really as bland and smooth as you forehead?
Naw Davy the new start fer os is MARSTOX,blended Mars with certain herbs
& Heroin,with our very own secret ingredient ! injected into the softness
of a southern Hunt, thus we will suck ye & suck ye ’til ye say.
(please add)
Do you normally wear a haggis above each eye? Suppose they’re for quick snacks to keep your waistline bulging.
She’s a lesbian, you know.
Dedicated to Bevanshite Ellie.
Dinna worrit, Davey boy. You make independence easy for us and we’ll keep a place back home for ye. Ye are one of our ain, after all!
You tak the high road and
We’ll tak the low road
and we’ll be in the Euro afore ye….
” Damn, I’ve forgotten my beret. Have you remembered yours ? “
It’s a “Tam o’shanter,” ye Sassenach eejit!
I never knew Thatch was a bit of a cutie in her younger days.
http://static.flickr.com/38/76171338_7f14ad1e5f_o.jpg
Scotland…Scotland…remind me, where is that again?
It was reported a few years ago that during the second world war, the SNP contacted the Nazi government to proposing that Germany invade England via Scotland, the Scottish would assist the invasion in return for which the Germans would grant Scotland independence whatever it was the Germans wanted to do to the rest of Britain.
Nazi Germany declined the offer, for the simple (and fairly obvious) reason that if you wanted to invade and destroy the important parts of Britain, Scotland’s the worst place to start as it’s too far away.
That added to the fact the R A F would lose no sleep bombing it to dust
Thereby proving that every cloud has a silver lining . . .
NOW you tell me!
History ‘m’boy’ history.
See, Dave—my forehead is more massive than yours…
DK
Contrast with Jonah in his pre-nokia days. http://www.moonbattery.com/young_gordon_brown.jpg
Cain and Abel in happier days, dressed as twins:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/09/26/article-1315445-09866486000005DC-704_634x489.jpg
Aw shucks-it simply has to be the inspiration for that tee shirt “im with stupid”
The Head of Clan Cammeron meets the great chieftan o’the pudding race.
Does your forehead appear as a vast open expanse of nothingness?
Visit our clinic’s website for details on how to disguise your total lack of coherent political ideas with a hair transplant.
http://www.coverthatvoid.com
Go on then tell me how much did you get from Mr Trump for that golf course. I want to sell him an aircraft carrier.
“David, what the f**k am I going to do if they say ‘YES’ ?
Your fault for asking them – watch and learn, sonny, watch and learn.
There’s many a man of the Cameron clan
That has followed his chief to the field
He has sworn to support him or die by his side
For a Cameron never can yield.
I hear the pibroch sounding, sounding
Deep o’er the mountain and glen
While light springing footsteps
Are trampling the heath
Let’s face it Alex the march of The Salmond Men just doesn’t even make a sound bite.
“I’m following your advice. Take up valuable parliamentary time with a minimum alcohol pricing law that won’t be enacted in any meaningful way..make everyone forget about referendums.”
“Aye! I got the idea from the hunting ban.”
UK leaders discuss Grecian formulas.
Yes ‘fags & booze’would be VERY cheap (remember ???????????????????)
TWO things have brought us to this dire strait !,
the all-encompassing of the EU, & it really pains me to say
the Politicly inept ? zero savvy.
(sorry 2nd glass of Italian wine).
£2.60 A LITRE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!
If you do get independence through, can you make sure you take Berwick as well?
Excuse me, Bill! I own a house in the town.
I won’t vote for you any more if you follow that line any further…
You can turn if you wan’t to,
this laddie’s no for turning.
Dave – ‘Let’s have this referendum then, you feart, fat shortarse!’
But you will still give us 50 billion quid through the Barnett formula wont you?
On the debit side it means breaking up a 300 year old union and leaving us a problem with naval and airbases.
On the plus side it reduces the unemployment figures by a million and prevents any more of the McMafia thieving from England. Its a no brainer, isn’t it?
“……leaving us a problem with naval and airbases”
No it doesn’t we put a condition in the Independence Treaty that we continue to own the bases on long term lease say 100 years..it works for the Yanks on Ascension Island(ours) and for UK bases in Cyprus and we held most of Hong Kong on the same basis so why should Scotland get any special treatment ?
Camaron to Shrek: “You look funny without the green paint”
Ok then, but nae tongues
Bloody brilliant!
“Fuck you, you scottish Hunt.”
(Works both ways)
We’ll both be forgotten in 5 years
English Rose and Scot’s Thistle in discussion over who has got / is, the biggest prick.
I’m your sugar-coated doll and You’re my Romeo
Salmond’s quiff of independence doesn’t match Cameron’s bounce
So you’ve come to power at last Kim Il Jung
Just heard a BBC News interview with a Samoa and Tokelau representative about having skipped a day and jumped westwards across the international dateline.
The BBC news reader asked the representative what about the people on your islands that have a birthday on the 30th of December? They’ve now lost that birthday forever so what will you do about that, will they be government compensation?
I agree.
My human rights have been abused by this decision by Samoa. Can I have compensation too?
Whilst it’s not my birthday today, I do own a Times World Atlas which was quite expensive and is now obsolete. I demand compensation, plus damages for hurt feelings (aiming high – I expect to lose the 2nd part of the claim).
More wicked cuts in the South Pacific. BB Pravda demand compensation for daily loss.
Yeah I saw THAT…What is the first thing that enters the head of the “State Broadcaster” …what about compensation for those that have missed their birthday? The Samoa and Tokelau Representative replied that this is not something that people on the islands are bothered about
OK Dave, I’ll drop the referendum if you compensate us for the eleven lost days when you changed the calendar in 1752.
Two things not normally seen in Scotland.
A conservative and a vegetable.
I’ve looked at that picture most carefully, and for the life of me I can’t see a Conservative in it.
+1000
Once I’ve seen the pandas I wouldn’t mind a look at that famous Celtic Tiger you’re always talking about.
You and Whose whose Army?
Pssst…heard the one about a German, a Frenchman and a Greek?
And it was I.
Better never than late.
Support our push for Independence and when we get it you’ll never need to worry about Labour ever again.
Not so much a Salmond, more of a Trout, old boy.
Mission Accomplished Alex. You have Scotland and the Tories have England forever.
So you really, really want independence? OK, but we’ll keep our share of the oilfields, armed services and all that. Is it a deal, Dave?
Now just bugger off and take Northern Ireland with you.
f…. off you c…..
Sooo Alex, why is it we never see you and Droopy Dawg in the same room??
He’s my evil twin and I keep him locked away.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_u7mZDBvAd2I/S1x6vBWpAoI/AAAAAAAAAPM/-BBLZyInALk/s320/droopy_dog_happy.jpg
Christ, another, fat, cross-eyed, snot-nosed scots twat….
How do you solve a problem like referendum?
(apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)
Glad you apologised ‘cos yours doesn’t seem to scan too well.
R & H never acknowledged the help given by Homer Simpson on “D’oh! A deer…”
Mai wee willy is bigger than yours!
‘We’ve got one fucker of a case for mental health services in Kirkaldy Dave’
At least we’re not called Miliband!
Independent or not the English will still OWN Scotland, you ghastly little Scottish oik.
“I call this my moon face” after the world’s biggest pub The Mongol’s Heed
By the way did you really mean it when you said that you would require an English Referendum before Scotland was allowed back into the union when we crash and burn?
Surely not”
Ooooh you are awful, but I like you.
So it’s true then , all you jocks smell of shit !
“There’s more than one way to smoke a salmon ”
If you know what i mean !
Lick, lick.
We are both erm, dogs.
Aye, aye……’Baron Salmond of Auchterhellweet’….it has a couthie ring tae it.
you might have a smirk Alex but you’ve still got that brown c’unt
Alex Salmond: “If you call the Referendum early I’ll kill you!”
David Cameron: “If you call the Referendum at all I’ll drop dead of shock!”
Yes, the Brown archives should be repatriated, and would you take Tony’s as well?
I’m sorry, David who?
Can you explain to me Dave what exactly is an Eton kiss?
Wankers of the world unite,,,
‘Fuck off back to England you Tory bastard.’
heheh
Ok Alex You can have Independence but you must take back all the Scots working in England. That bit of ethnic cleasing will create 2m more jobs in England and will be a nice precedent to threaten Jonny Foreigner. Scots always want to go home.So everyone is happy!
Kuato Star – King George-Ah telt ye.
Listen Dave boy – any chance ye kin help us get independence before the Chinese and Russians invade??
cameron: “..and if you try and set up your own central bank…well, you know what happened to gadaffi..”
Ye wanna Glasgae kiss?
Cameron: Are they scales on the back of your neck?
What do Dunblane, Lockerbie, and Holly Greig have in common? Scottish (in)- justice at its worst.
‘Wee sleekit cowrin tim’rous beastie…’
‘Hello to you, too, Alex…’
You wouldn’t believe it Alex but these stupid English think even with a name like my mine I’m one of them. They haven’t rumbled yet that the Camerons are ruling the English. By the time they wake up we Scots will have picked em clean.
Useless pair of professional politicians.
“Don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually Welsh”
“I look down on him because I am upper class…”
thanks again for not wearing your heels
Geez one Dave
“I’m definitely squeezing yours harder than you’re squeezing mine…”
DC:Your aftershave, what is it?
AS: It’s called ‘come to me’.
DC: Nope! Doesn’t smell like ‘Cum to me…’
Aye thangyou
DC: So, how many housing benefit claimants can you take?