December 30th, 2011

Friday Caption Contest


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Dave: I have shown balls, not lets see yours, go for indenpence!

  2. 2
    Posh Dave says:

    What’s a Glasgow kiss Alex?

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    Members of the Albion and Hibernian Chinless Wonders Club

  4. 4
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “I cen still smell the deep fried mars bar you had for lunch”

  5. 5
    Salmond's Right Hand says:

    Salmond: I’ve got my whole fist up there now
    Camoron: Mmm…just a bit more to the right please

  6. 6
    shaken not stirred says:

    So, Double O Salmond – your mission is to take RBS into the Euro and finish the job….

  7. 7
    Captain Chump says:

    “You may take our receding hairlines but you will never take our freedom.”

  8. 8
    rocknrolla says:

    Tell me again, Dave, how do I get out of a cast-iron referendum promise?

  9. 9
    IanVisits says:

    Ok, you can have independence, but we get Hogmany in exchange.

  10. 10
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    ” The Ed Miliband fan club holds its monthly meeting”

  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Both: You make me look good

  12. 13
    Anonymous says:

    So which panda are you related to?

  13. 14
    nellnewman says:

    OK You give up the Barnett Formula and I’ll back your push for scottish independence.

  14. 15
    Up sh1t creek says:

    Cameron says to Salmond, “I’m in Westminster, and I look down on you Scots.”

  15. 16
    chinky bear keeper says:

    haw pal … gonnie no hae one o’ them referendums ‘n that!

    Err … Mr Cameron, I do speak English you know!

    • 126
      Understanding the Queens English says:

      Thats good, so can you please tell me the meaning of the phrase “Cast iron guarentee” ?

  16. 17
    David Attenbollox says:

    You look like a hippo

  17. 18
    Go screw yourself Cameron says:

    ‘Green figure’ replaces ‘green man’ on pedestrian signs

    The green man has been helping Britons cross the road for decades, but one council has now decided to offer a gender-neutral alternative.

    Brought to you by Conservative majority Boston borough council.

    • 32
      Dobby says:


      • 47
        Greychatter says:

        I miss read it, I thought it said “Green Finger” – another PC council wasting money and sticking its finger up to the Council Tax Payers.

    • 63
      JH says:

      The ‘Green figure’ clearly has functional legs, is not morbidly obese or bulimic, is not a post-op LGBT, is not wearing a Turban, Burqua or Skullcap, is not an amputee, and is walking purposefully in a very white fashion rather than skulking around waiting for the main chance while exuding a sense of menace towards law abiding citizens minding their own business.

      In short, it is OFFENSIVE to many deeply oppressed groups. WE (ie YOU) must DO something.

      Back to the drawing board, get some blank cheques out ready to hand to ‘consultants’ along with the inevitable assorted other moochers, looters and wasters.

      In fact, fuck it. Just give the money to Lee Jasper.

    • 79
      Sweetie (woman of the year) says:

      It’s too obviously humanoid. This disrespects us pandas and I therefore find it deeply offensive, even though I never actually walk across roads.

  18. 19
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    AS “Veto this you toff nosed English twat” Gives DC a glasgow kiss


  19. 21
    McPoison says:

    Cameron: ‘Yes you can have independence as long as you take Royal Bank of Scotland and Bank of Scotland’s loan books with you. Oh, and tell Gordon’s mate, ‘Sir’ Fred Goodwin that you’ll be financing his giga-pension from now on.

    • 141
      Heretic says:

      …………….& this thing about tax-free banking……………………………………..

  20. 22
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Two of the main beneficiaries of the “Keep Ed Miliband as Labour leader” campaign meet to discuss strategy.

    • 145
      Pietro de Manslime says:

      I agree,keep shortcrust until all the present shadow cabinet either stop
      taking heroin or retire (same shit !).
      Today,the only way to get ahead is either be ‘scotch’ or kiddish ! (sic),
      i smell ferment within the brew.

  21. 23
    9th Ramone says:

    Get Cleggie a seat in Scotland after he loses Hallam and I’LL vote for independence!

  22. 24
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “Its me or Merkal Alex”

  23. 25
    What a pair of plonkers says:

    Cameron; “Can I sell you a cheap used Cleggy?”
    Salmon; “No thanks they tend to stab you in the back!”

  24. 26
    angel says:

    Pssst! Alex, d’you fancy a few more billion quid from the English taxpayers? From one Scot to another, y’ken?

    • 154
      Must get a pseudonym one day says:

      If you join the EU after independence, you’ll certainly collect billions from the English taxpayers, just like all the other EU tossers do.

  25. 28
    Biffo says:

    “Can I interest you in the position of Deputy Prime Minister?”

  26. 29
    Alec says:

    You fcuk Brussels and I fcuk Westminster. Sorted!

  27. 30
    Dave says:

    Congratulations, – choke – politician of the year.

  28. 31
    Kered Ybretsae says:

    ‘I am a Bullshitter myself, but, I do like to hear a professional at it. So please continue!!’

  29. 33
    Alec says:

    Independence, or I’ll squeeze them harder.

  30. 34
    lola says:

    Buzz Lightyear (in civvies) meets Joda

  31. 36
    Steve Miliband says:

    He’s safely locked away in a ward in Kirkcaldy

  32. 37
    Snotsicle says:

    Dave: The label in your jacket is sticking up. Primark £4.99

  33. 38
    Alec says:

    Did you pack your bags yourself, sir?

  34. 39
    annette curton says:

    William Wallace and Gromit.

  35. 40
    I Squiggle says:

    OK, it’s a deal; you get independence if you take everything north of Watford as well…

    • 160
      GOD (rtd) says:

      I would love to be a bus conductor !(the chauffeur could collect the fares).
      think !

      • 184
        I Squiggle says:

        er.. unless I’ve missed an obvious juxtaposition, can I have some of what you’re drinking?

  36. 41
    a non says:

    At times you can patriotically sport a kilt and sporran Alex, but my party would presently prefer me to be permanently wearing a skirt, and holding a handbag..

  37. 43
    Anonymous No. 462 says:

    Cameron: “My favourite line was when McCoy would say, ‘Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!’”

  38. 44
    David Cameron says:

    I wish I was as commanding a leader as you Alex. You appear to have principles too, how does all that stuff work out with you?

    • 174
      David Cameron says:

      Thanks for sticking this in the moderation queue for hours, I can guess why.

      So much for free spe… .

  39. 45
    Anonymous says:

    Salmond: Freedom, bigger helpings and seconds as well.

    Cameron: I see you’ve copied our old Liverpool policy idea.

  40. 46
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “No, i dont want to swap Clegg and Hunt for the krankies”

  41. 48
    Anonymous says:

    is that snake oil of yours any good for bad breath?

  42. 49
    Alec says:

    R – E – F – E – R – E – N – D – U – M, Davey. (E)U know it’s the right thing to do.

  43. 50
    The Stilton Eater says:

    “You go your way and I’ll go mine and we’ll both be in power for a decade.”

  44. 51
    Hugh Janus says:

    Man With No Lips meets Smug Old Moonface. With political leadership of their calibre we are completely stuffed.

  45. 52
    McQuarrie's Revenge says:

    Quinten Letts was right Alex. You do need Listerine

  46. 53
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “….you didnt hear then? Billy Bowden really did win the caption contest”

    • 149
      The Rules Committee says:

      It was one of his fakes and the line was stolen – everything points to Johann Hari being the fake. He may be asked to return the tee shirt.

  47. 54
    Superman says:

    Independence yes for the proddies but no for the fenians ,Or is it the other way round? Very confusing,only a smart arse lawyer like me can lead them,Dave. Hating the English is the only thing they can agree on.You are well rid.

  48. 57
    Alec says:

    Och, ye shoulda known son, ye saw they were shite in coalition up here.

  49. 58
    I'm an ambassador, don't you know? I do all my ambassadorial work from my balcony in Tuscany says:
  50. 59
    Anonymous says:

    “Gordon assured me that the SNP cannot win independence”

    “Wanna bet”

  51. 60
    Ed Miliband says:

    I am Spartacus.

  52. 64
    In cinemas a week today says:

  53. 65

    Did you remember to send Guido that bottle you promised?

    • 169
      SHITTY GUIDO !!!!!!!!!! says:

      AH the Whisky,no sorry, dispersed it among the throng !
      but some twat did mention somebodies name in passing !.

  54. 66
    Stephen Gash says:

    “Alex, I hear you prefer inde-lite to Irn-Bru.

    No wonder Scots got rid of “Scotland the Brave” as their anthem.”

    • 143
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      Yup. The weepy-waily dirge of ancient glory never to be repeated is far more in keeping with modern Scotland. I think it’s all about the last time Scotland beat the English Soccer Team.

      • 170
        Deep fried Mars bars 'r'us says:

        About as shallow as can get ! almost as rock-bottom as
        PETER (dead eye) MANSLIME.

  55. 67
    Anonymous says:

    Dave: “Wee Eck, the chaps behind us in the cool hats? Mine. Not yours. Mine.”

    Eck: *parp*

  56. 68
    Mike says:

    Are your politics really as bland and smooth as you forehead?

    • 176
      Deep fried Mars bars 'r'us says:

      Naw Davy the new start fer os is MARSTOX,blended Mars with certain herbs
      & Heroin,with our very own secret ingredient ! injected into the softness
      of a southern Hunt, thus we will suck ye & suck ye ’til ye say.
      (please add)

  57. 69
    Ghillie says:

    Do you normally wear a haggis above each eye? Suppose they’re for quick snacks to keep your waistline bulging.

  58. 70
    Durham Ranger says:

    She’s a lesbian, you know.

  59. 71
    The Common People says:

    Dedicated to Bevanshite Ellie.

  60. 72
    Peter Grimes says:

    Dinna worrit, Davey boy. You make independence easy for us and we’ll keep a place back home for ye. Ye are one of our ain, after all!

  61. 73
    robbie says:

    You tak the high road and
    We’ll tak the low road
    and we’ll be in the Euro afore ye….

  62. 74
    Gonk says:

    ” Damn, I’ve forgotten my beret. Have you remembered yours ? “

  63. 76
    Iron Lady says:

    I never knew Thatch was a bit of a cutie in her younger days.

  64. 77
    Jimmy says:

    Scotland…Scotland…remind me, where is that again?

    • 94
      Sweetie (woman of the year) says:

      It was reported a few years ago that during the second world war, the SNP contacted the Nazi government to proposing that Germany invade England via Scotland, the Scottish would assist the invasion in return for which the Germans would grant Scotland independence whatever it was the Germans wanted to do to the rest of Britain.

      Nazi Germany declined the offer, for the simple (and fairly obvious) reason that if you wanted to invade and destroy the important parts of Britain, Scotland’s the worst place to start as it’s too far away.

  65. 78

    See, Dave—my forehead is more massive than yours…


  66. 80
    Iron Lady says:

    Contrast with Jonah in his pre-nokia days.

  67. 81
    genghiz the kahn says:

    The Head of Clan Cammeron meets the great chieftan o’the pudding race.

  68. 83
    Mike says:

    Does your forehead appear as a vast open expanse of nothingness?

    Visit our clinic’s website for details on how to disguise your total lack of coherent political ideas with a hair transplant.

  69. 85
    Ali up north says:

    Go on then tell me how much did you get from Mr Trump for that golf course. I want to sell him an aircraft carrier.

  70. 87
    Philip McArthur says:

    “David, what the f**k am I going to do if they say ‘YES’ ?

    • 157
      Must get a pseudonym one day says:

      Your fault for asking them – watch and learn, sonny, watch and learn.

  71. 88
    genghiz the kahn says:

    There’s many a man of the Cameron clan
    That has followed his chief to the field
    He has sworn to support him or die by his side
    For a Cameron never can yield.

    I hear the pibroch sounding, sounding
    Deep o’er the mountain and glen
    While light springing footsteps
    Are trampling the heath

    Let’s face it Alex the march of The Salmond Men just doesn’t even make a sound bite.

  72. 91

    “I’m following your advice. Take up valuable parliamentary time with a minimum alcohol pricing law that won’t be enacted in any meaningful way..make everyone forget about referendums.”

    “Aye! I got the idea from the hunting ban.”

  73. 92
    a non says:

    UK leaders discuss Grecian formulas.

    • 182
      DOH !! says:

      Yes ‘fags & booze’would be VERY cheap (remember ???????????????????)

      • 185
        DOH !! says:

        TWO things have brought us to this dire strait !,
        the all-encompassing of the EU, & it really pains me to say
        the Politicly inept ? zero savvy.
        (sorry 2nd glass of Italian wine).
        £2.60 A LITRE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

  74. 93
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o the puddin’-race!

  75. 95

    If you do get independence through, can you make sure you take Berwick as well?

  76. 96
    iron lady says:

    You can turn if you wan’t to,
    this laddie’s no for turning.

  77. 97
    robvsnature says:

    Dave – ‘Let’s have this referendum then, you feart, fat shortarse!’

  78. 98
    Lobster Throttler says:

    But you will still give us 50 billion quid through the Barnett formula wont you?

  79. 99

    On the debit side it means breaking up a 300 year old union and leaving us a problem with naval and airbases.

    On the plus side it reduces the unemployment figures by a million and prevents any more of the McMafia thieving from England. Its a no brainer, isn’t it?

    • 142
      England demand Independence for Scotland and no more says:

      “……leaving us a problem with naval and airbases”

      No it doesn’t we put a condition in the Independence Treaty that we continue to own the bases on long term lease say 100 works for the Yanks on Ascension Island(ours) and for UK bases in Cyprus and we held most of Hong Kong on the same basis so why should Scotland get any special treatment ?

  80. 100
    labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    Camaron to Shrek: “You look funny without the green paint”

  81. 101
    StrongholdBarricades says:

    Ok then, but nae tongues

  82. 102
    Anonymous says:

    “Fuck you, you scottish Hunt.”

    (Works both ways)

  83. 103
    small time spivs says:

    We’ll both be forgotten in 5 years

  84. 104
    a non says:

    English Rose and Scot’s Thistle in discussion over who has got / is, the biggest prick.

  85. 105
    Kronos says:

    I’m your sugar-coated doll and You’re my Romeo

  86. 109
    Passing Thought says:

    Salmond’s quiff of independence doesn’t match Cameron’s bounce

  87. 110
    East India Company wallah says:

    So you’ve come to power at last Kim Il Jung

  88. 114
    WVM says:

    Just heard a BBC News interview with a Samoa and Tokelau representative about having skipped a day and jumped westwards across the international dateline.

    The BBC news reader asked the representative what about the people on your islands that have a birthday on the 30th of December? They’ve now lost that birthday forever so what will you do about that, will they be government compensation?

    • 130
      Its my birthday today says:

      I agree.
      My human rights have been abused by this decision by Samoa. Can I have compensation too?

      • 132
        Anon says:

        Whilst it’s not my birthday today, I do own a Times World Atlas which was quite expensive and is now obsolete. I demand compensation, plus damages for hurt feelings (aiming high – I expect to lose the 2nd part of the claim).

    • 131
      Eeyore says:

      More wicked cuts in the South Pacific. BB Pravda demand compensation for daily loss.

    • 140
      The BBC as divorced from reality as ever says:

      Yeah I saw THAT…What is the first thing that enters the head of the “State Broadcaster” …what about compensation for those that have missed their birthday? The Samoa and Tokelau Representative replied that this is not something that people on the islands are bothered about

    • 152
      Alex Salmond says:

      OK Dave, I’ll drop the referendum if you compensate us for the eleven lost days when you changed the calendar in 1752.

  89. 114

    Two things not normally seen in Scotland.
    A conservative and a vegetable.

  90. 121

    Once I’ve seen the pandas I wouldn’t mind a look at that famous Celtic Tiger you’re always talking about.

  91. 122
    Anonymous says:

    You and Whose whose Army?

  92. 125
    smoggie says:

    Pssst…heard the one about a German, a Frenchman and a Greek?

  93. 128
    Old Blue Eyes says:

    Support our push for Independence and when we get it you’ll never need to worry about Labour ever again.

  94. 129
    Eyore says:

    Not so much a Salmond, more of a Trout, old boy.

  95. 134
    PURPLELINE says:

    Mission Accomplished Alex. You have Scotland and the Tories have England forever.

  96. 148
    Sonsie says:

    So you really, really want independence? OK, but we’ll keep our share of the oilfields, armed services and all that. Is it a deal, Dave?

  97. 150
    Forlornehope says:

    Now just bugger off and take Northern Ireland with you.

  98. 153
    Dave Wisteria says:

    f…. off you c…..

  99. 155
    The Tuesday boy says:

    Sooo Alex, why is it we never see you and Droopy Dawg in the same room??

  100. 156
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Christ, another, fat, cross-eyed, snot-nosed scots twat….

  101. 159
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    How do you solve a problem like referendum?

    (apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)

  102. 164
    Baron Hogwash says:

    Mai wee willy is bigger than yours!

  103. 171
    Phil The Greek says:

    ‘We’ve got one fucker of a case for mental health services in Kirkaldy Dave’

  104. 172
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    At least we’re not called Miliband!

  105. 175
    Lizzie says:

    Independent or not the English will still OWN Scotland, you ghastly little Scottish oik.

  106. 177
    Salmon is a Moon Heed says:

    “I call this my moon face” after the world’s biggest pub The Mongol’s Heed

    By the way did you really mean it when you said that you would require an English Referendum before Scotland was allowed back into the union when we crash and burn?

    Surely not”

  107. 178
    The Watson Watcher. says:

    Ooooh you are awful, but I like you.

  108. 179
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    So it’s true then , all you jocks smell of shit !

  109. 181
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    “There’s more than one way to smoke a salmon ”
    If you know what i mean !

  110. 189
    Woof woof... says:

    Lick, lick.

    We are both erm, dogs.

  111. 191
    Sir William Waad says:

    Aye, aye……’Baron Salmond of Auchterhellweet’….it has a couthie ring tae it.

  112. 194
    john west says:

    you might have a smirk Alex but you’ve still got that brown c’unt

  113. 195
    Well Paid Shill says:

    Alex Salmond: “If you call the Referendum early I’ll kill you!”

    David Cameron: “If you call the Referendum at all I’ll drop dead of shock!”

  114. 197
    Anonymous says:

    Yes, the Brown archives should be repatriated, and would you take Tony’s as well?

  115. 198
    martin alexander says:

    I’m sorry, David who?

  116. 199
    Rinka Scott says:

    Can you explain to me Dave what exactly is an Eton kiss?

  117. 200
    S.B.S says:

    Wankers of the world unite,,,

  118. 201
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘Fuck off back to England you Tory bastard.’

  119. 209
    Superman says:

    Ok Alex You can have Independence but you must take back all the Scots working in England. That bit of ethnic cleasing will create 2m more jobs in England and will be a nice precedent to threaten Jonny Foreigner. Scots always want to go home.So everyone is happy!

  120. 211
    robbie says:

    Kuato Star – King George-Ah telt ye.

  121. 212

    Listen Dave boy – any chance ye kin help us get independence before the Chinese and Russians invade??

  122. 215
    bollos says:

    cameron: “..and if you try and set up your own central bank…well, you know what happened to gadaffi..”

  123. 217
    Ian says:

    Ye wanna Glasgae kiss?

  124. 218
    Lizard King says:

    Cameron: Are they scales on the back of your neck?

  125. 219
    Mikey the Pikey says:

    What do Dunblane, Lockerbie, and Holly Greig have in common? Scottish (in)- justice at its worst.

  126. 220
    ho hum says:

    ‘Wee sleekit cowrin tim’rous beastie…’

    ‘Hello to you, too, Alex…’

  127. 221
    The Doddering Old Fart says:

    You wouldn’t believe it Alex but these stupid English think even with a name like my mine I’m one of them. They haven’t rumbled yet that the Camerons are ruling the English. By the time they wake up we Scots will have picked em clean.

  128. 222
    True Tory says:

    Useless pair of professional politicians.

  129. 224
    yoyo77 says:

    “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually Welsh”

  130. 225
    TFR says:

    “I look down on him because I am upper class…”

  131. 230
    graham smith says:

    thanks again for not wearing your heels

  132. 232
    Quantrill says:

    Geez one Dave

  133. 233
    Dave says:

    “I’m definitely squeezing yours harder than you’re squeezing mine…”

  134. 234
    Norris Stampton says:

    DC:Your aftershave, what is it?
    AS: It’s called ‘come to me’.
    DC: Nope! Doesn’t smell like ‘Cum to me…’
    Aye thangyou

  135. 236
    Bob R says:

    DC: So, how many housing benefit claimants can you take?

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

A confused Nick Griffin says Nigel Farage is a shill for the City, forgetting that City banks want to stay in the EU:

“Farage is a snake oil salesman, but a very good one. His supposed anti-immigration stance is all smoke and mirrors, as is his carefully cultivated image as a ‘man of the people’. The truth is that UKIP is a pro-immigration party that exists to lobby for the interests of the City of London.”

Nick Clegg says:

Do you want lies with that?

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