December 22nd, 2011

£250,000 Prize Christmas Cryptic Challenge

It is a fact of life that they stop manufacturing news over Christmas, which is why the papers are filled with even more dross than normal. Double-page jumbo cryptic crosswords help you while away the time between Christmas lunch and the turkey sandwiches. Guido has something equally as cryptic but far more rewarding…

If you can figure out how a Eurozone state can leave the Euro you could win £250,000. Guido isn’t joking, the Wolfson Economics Prize will be awarded to the person “who is able to articulate how best to manage the orderly exit of one or more member states from the European Monetary Union.”

You have a month until the deadline for submissions on January 31, 2012. So instead of snoozing in the armchair after lunch dreaming of escaping to sunny lands dream of rich sunlit post-Euro uplands. According to the Wolfson Prize announcement the detailed issues that exiting the Eurozone raises include:-

  • Whether and how to redenominate sovereign debt, private savings, and domestic mortgages in the departing nations.
  • Whether and how international contracts denominated in euros might be altered, if one party to the contract is based in a member state which leaves EMU.
  • The effects on the stability of the banking system.
  • The link between exit from EMU and sovereign debt restructuring.
  • How to manage the macroeconomic effects of exit, including devaluation, inflation, confidence, and effects on debts.
  • Different timetables and approaches to transition (e.g. “surprise” redenomination versus signalled transitions).
  • How best to manage the legal and institutional implications.
  • A consideration of evidence from relevant historical examples (e.g. the end of various currency pegs and previous monetary unions)

The Wolfson Economics Prize, worth €286,000, is the second biggest cash prize to be awarded after the Nobel Prize. It aims to ensure that high quality economic thought is given to how the Euro might be restructured into more stable currencies. Guido is read widely in  City dealing rooms, crammed with bond market vigilantes and Phd wielding economic analysts. Given the paucity of bonuses this year, best get your thinking caps on…

Full details from the website:


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Oh eck?

    It is going to be messy, but has to be done.


  2. 2
    Tuscan Tony says:

    I can answer this one immediately: threaten a low yield nuclear strike against Brussels.

    Job done.


  3. 4
    Span Ows says:

    I heard about this at least a month ago and have sent various methods, all short sharp ans sweet (well, some not so sweet)


  4. 6
    Ballymoney Boy says:

    I’ve been sent this joke and, in the Christmas spirit, share it with you all . . .

    Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
    finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him
    to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this,
    the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks
    quickly away.

    The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
    something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
    She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has
    never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam
    sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,
    drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
    screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

    Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
    her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself
    for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could
    possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made
    her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a

    So she goes over to Hans and says that she’s the best in the house and is
    available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then
    she sits in his lap.

    Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Euros?”


  5. 7
    RBS we shag anything says:

    Make Fred Goodwin the Chancelor of said country and Brussels will drop said country like a hot potato


  6. 9
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Invade Poland, dear?


  7. 10
    BillyBob... says:

    I will pass, just reading the question gave me a headache, I doubt my CSE Grade4 in Maths will help…… :)


    • 266
      Heretic says:

      What the fucks that ??


      • 324
        Gooey Blob says:

        Maths is short for mathematics, which is to do with numbers. A grade 4 CSE qualification was not highly regarded in its time and essentially meant that the candidate showed up for the examination, managed to write his name at the top of the paper, and may even have fluked a couple of the answers by scrawling random letters and numbers over it in places.

        Thirty years of “trendy” teaching methods mean that it is the equivalent of a degree today.


        • 358
          The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

          Dear Gooey,

          Those of us who were inflicted with Shirley Williams’ brain wave of the “qualifications” for the little people known as the CSE would be aware that there were actually 6 grades. 1 was top and 5 was bottom with ‘ungraded’ as the one where you turned up and wrote your name and date on the paper before nodding off for the rest of the exam.

          The CSE was obviously such a good idea that they continued it until………


          • Archie says:

            Oh, Shirley Williams, that barking old slag with the ratty hair? Always looks as though she’s slept in a hedge? Didn’t she have something to do with fucking up a perfectly decent education system?


  8. 12

    1. All Greek banks ownership is transferred in entirety to the ECB. There are now no greek banks.
    2. The greek banks still function in a Northern rock type way. The aim being to either rebuild them or sell the retail arms at a later date.
    3. Drachma is printed ready. Drachma is set at rate it was when entering the EU.
    4. Date for change from Euro to drachs is set. Same as when countries join the Euro only in reverse.
    5. On Dr5achma day The Greeks just leave. All existing Euro zone treaties are null and void. New treaties are then signed for trade agreements etc, using the British model as a template.

    Alternatively ..Merkel sends in the Panzers again and Greece becomes just Crete.
    The mainland just becomes the toxic debt dumping ground for the rest of the Eurozone.


  9. 13

    I bet the Buffty frae Kirkcaldy is already rubbing his grubby mits as he anticipates his crayon scrawled submission coming first.


  10. 15
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


    Its like asking how to fix the hole in the Titanic while it is on the bottom of the ocean.

    The only way i can see is the a power grab back from Brussels and nation deciding it wants self rule ( and resposnabilty) and wants to live within thier means, it means adopting thier own currency again.

    but it needs a leader with balls that can take his country with him/her.

    Hungover btw


  11. 16
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Good comment – well worth typing.


  12. 19
    Gilbert Fiddler says:

    “but it needs a leader with balls that can take his country with him/her.”

    You are hungover aren’t you!

    Please don’t mention that arsehole here…


  13. 22
    some dude says:

    Wow this is more fun than the caption compettiton.

    1. You denominate the whole lot in the new currency.
    2. If the contracts are in euros they’ll stay in euros. That’s the nature of contracts.
    3. Very unfortunate. Loads of banks will go bust.
    4. No need for restructuring. See answer 1.
    5. Nothing to manage, the markets will give you as much devaluation as you want, and more besides.
    6. You do it over the weekend, without telling anyone.
    7. The Maastricht Treaty, you mean? Long ago torn up and consigned to the waste bin. You can piece it together with sellotape, if you’re really bothered.
    8. Black Wednesday,1992. Yay! Go for it Italy!

    I’ll take the prize money in Sterling, if you don’t mind.


  14. 24
    Sandra says:

    Prize money would come in handy for Armalite rifles & Semtex.

    Armed insurgency is the only way any free people are escaping from the EU_SSR & economic slavery to the German Fourth Reich.

    I dream of the pavements outside the Foreign Office resembling Ceausescu’s final moments – all those civil service traitors pleading for their miserable lives.


  15. 28
    jgm2 says:

    Simple. Suppose a country like (say) Greece wishes to exit the Euro then Greece simply declares all debt, savings, contracts etc will now be honoured in the new currency -the Greekeuro – on a one-for-one conversion. This new currency will, by a show of hands, be declared legal tender at one-for-one for all debts, savings, pension obligations etc etc.

    The new currency will be printed in sufficient quantities to ‘honour’ the savings and stabilise the Greek b*nks. Naturally this will result in an effective devaluation of about 75% and the new currency will float freely at those rates. But if you are an overseas debtor or bond-holder and want repaying in Euros then you’ll be handed Greekeuros on a one-for-one basis.

    The result will be that the Greeks effectively default on 75% of their debts and can then manage their economy and pay their pension obligations etc etc at a more manageable level.

    The Greeks won’t starve since they are largely an agricultural economy anyway and their tourist economy will get a huge boost. There’ll be a period of adjustment for Greek train-drivers as they come to terms with not being paid as well as German do*ct*ors but – you know – fuck ‘em. The Germans who lent them the money to buy all their Mercs and BMWs and stuff will just have to be more ca*reful about who they lend to in future.


    • 43
      Vince Cable says:

      This isn’t very fair, is it?
      Why shouldn’t Greek agricultural labourers be paid the same as the CEO of Siemens?


      • 119
        Siemens are the scum of Europe says:

        They should be paid more. His company gets a fair bit of its work by bribery and corruption.


        • 380
          Local Government Officer, who likes a bung says:

          Siemens maintain most of, if not all, the traffic lights in this country and also install them.


          • Handycoc No1 Trougher in Parliament says:

            That is why the number of traffic lights has more than doubled in Portsmouth in the last ten years. Boaz.


    • 122
      Rufus T Gnatstrangler says:

      That all sounds good to me, jgm2. But could you not weave a pre-emptive strike using low-yield nuclear weapons into your solution? No real reason, but the thought of Brussels, Strasbourg and Berlin going *poof!* is the undeniable ‘must have’ cherry on the top for any self-respecting solution to the EU’s problems.


      • 137
        John Terry says:

        I’d go easy on using words like *poof*. You never know nowadays what they’ll try to bang you up for. Emma West feels the same as I do.


      • 175
        Maximus says:

        WTF is it with these low-yield devices? No point hedging your position, your only options are a derivative like a neutron device, or you fill up the helicopter and nuke from orbit — that’s what I call a total return swap.


  16. 29
    Ah! Monika says:

    Know three graduates of LSE. Ask em a simple question…no idea.


    • 235
      East India Company wallah says:

      LSE graduates are trained to follow the asshole directly in front of them in the sheeple herd they are in as the human race march leftwards toward utopia-thinking is for headbangers-socialism is wonderful-think of the pension


  17. 31
    Jess The Dog says:

    Easy. Everyone hit Ctrl-Z on their computers until we get back to the late 1990s.


  18. 33
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I got it Guido!!!!

    Send Gordon to save the Eurozone.

    Job done.


  19. 35
    SouthEastVoter says:

    In relation to Greece. Request a ship load of Yen from the Chinese and hand over economic policy to the Chinese Government. Since they are the lender of last resort they effectively own the country anyway and have a fairly good record of turning a socialist state in to a capitalist country. Democracy has already gone so no worries there.

    Can I claim my £250m now so I can buy Crete.


  20. 36
    jgm2 says:

    Simple. Suppose a country like (say) Greece wishes to exit the Euro then Greece simply declares all debt, savings, contracts etc will now be honoured in the new currency -the Greekeuro – on a one-for-one conversion. This new currency will, by a show of hands, be declared legal tender at one-for-one for all debts, savings, pension obligations etc etc.

    The new currency will be printed in sufficient quantities to ‘honour’ the savings and stabilise the Greek b*nks. Naturally this will result in an effective devaluation of about 75% and the new currency will float freely at those rates. But if you are an overseas debtor or bond-holder and want repaying in Euros then you’ll be handed Greekeuros on a one-for-one basis.

    The result will be that the Greeks effectively default on 75% of their debts and can then manage their economy and pay their pension obligations etc etc at a more manageable level.

    The Greeks won’t starve since they are largely an agricultural economy anyway and their tourist economy will get a huge boost. There’ll be a period of adjustment for Greek train-dr*iv*ers as they come to terms with not being paid as well as German do*ct*ors but – you know – fuck ‘em. The Germans who lent them the money to buy all their Mercs and BMWs and stuff will just have to be more ca*reful about who they lend to in future.


    • 45
      Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

      It’s the international transactions that are the problem. I don’t think conversion is legally enforceable unless the EU is in the loop. Operationally it is a nightmare as it requires a new clearing system.


      • 48
        jgm2 says:

        The international transactions are only a ‘problem’ for international companies who have debts with Greece. Now some companies will have debts owing but then they’ll just have to take a ‘hit’ and/or decide if they want to renegotiate the contracts for the future or pull out.

        As for a clearing system – I dunno how they operate but if they’re dealing with multiple currencies already on a daily basis then I’d have thought a line of code introducing a new currency – the Greekeuro – would take care of that.


        • 60
          elgin says:

          May I humbly suggest the new currency should be called the “marble”.
          Greeks have been losing them for years


        • 66
          Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

          The clearing system for the Euro is TARGET 2. In theory the existing Greek system which forms part of this can be disaggregated but if that happens any € payments into or out of Greece will fall over. It is eminently possible to set up systems to cope with this but my point is that it takes time and will send a red flag to the markets.

          As you say elsewhere the Greek government could basically say fuck you and allow Greek companies to repay Euro obligations in new GDR but the legal cases will go on for ever and if the loans/derivatives/fx trades are written under laws other than Greek law ( quite likely particularly for derivative transactions then those court cases will not be heard in Greece but in London, Frankfurt and Paris.


          • jgm2 says:

            Those cases can be heard wherever they bloody well like but if there’s no hope of enforcement or if there’s no money then they’re a complete waste of time, money and effort.

            How can you enforce a judgement if there simply isn’t the money to pay?


          • Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

            The cases will be against individual companies and banks by individual companies and banks. Failure to pay means bankruptcy.

            The Greek government can tell the world to go fuck itself but there are consequences that are exceedingly unpleasant. A sovereign default is one thing but forcing most of your international companies into bankruptcy is quite another.

            It is one of the most pernicious offshoots of the whole Euro project. The countries are locked in a death grip where continued membership condemns the Mediterranean countries to slow death but disengagement condemns them to short term catastrophe (even if Germany comes out the short term consequences of a rapid revaluation of the new DMK on its prolific export sector is pretty nasty)


          • Maximus says:

            Simpler: merely redefine who has legal standing. Better: a framework document for redefining legal standing.


          • Anonymous says:

            So that is why all the Greek ship-owners have already moved to London, along with all their assets


      • 55
        jgm2 says:

        As to the legality or otherwise without the EU being in the loop. Fuck them (the EU). If a country doesn’t have the money then no amount of laws and well-argued representations and EU resolutions is going to conjure the money out of fresh air.

        What are the EU going to do?

        Invade and occupy?

        Good luck with that. You can’t get blood out of a stone.


  21. 37
    MB. says:

    I can’t see why it is so complicated. All that is needed is to define a currency, perhaps Reichsmark, define a rate of exchange between that currency and the Euro. Then carry on using Euro coins and notes until the new currency can be produced but the rate of exchange will drift.

    Many small countries seem to manage to use US Dollars without being part of the USA.


  22. 38
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Should leave this one to Balls!

    His solution should keep us laughing well into the new year


  23. 40
    Ah! Monika says:

    No use looking in City Dealing Rooms Guido unless you wait for the cleaners to arrive.


  24. 41
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Needs the following using Greece as an example:

    - overnight announcement.

    - temporary capital controls to prevent capital flight.

    - new currency – let’s say the new Drachma to be legally enacted straight away and immediate re-denomination of Greek issued Euros – by which I mean those Euro notes are effectively the new drachma at whatever rate is convenient. It doesn’t actually matter which rate you use 1:1, 100:1 or 1000:1 it will devalue straight away. 1:1 is easiest if you want to use Greek € notes.

    - redenomination of domestic savings into new currency, similar for domestic loans, money market transactions etc.

    The two tricky bits are the operational bits and “international” transactions. A German bank lending a Greek business is not going to want its loan to be re-denominated and I don’t think the re-denomination would be legally enforceable unless the agreement was EU-wide. Even domestic re-denomination will probably mean the Greek banking system requiring massive support.

    Operationally the Greek government would have to create a new clearing system for the currency rather than use the Euro one (Target IIRC). I think this is the real killer as the preparation time is time consuming and needs to be right otherwise the effects will reverberate right through the Euro area. It would need to be in place at the time of change. It is the sort of thing fundamental to the operation of a currency and its banking system that is largely hidden from public view. For this reason alone the transformation is very difficult to execute – if the time is taken to set it up properly (as happened when the Euro was created) then this will inevitably get into the public domain money will leave Greece at a great rate of knots and the economy really will collapse. If Greece leave without this in place then domestic payments will fall over and the economy will also collapse.

    It is going to be very very painful in the short term.


    • 69
      nellnewman says:

      No Pain. No Gain. How soon can we exit the eu?


      • 81
        Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

        Exiting the EU will be painful but for countries exiting the Euro it is worse.


        • 93
          nellnewman says:

          Yes and I do feel sorry for the real people like the ordinary Greek people ho are already suffering because of this doomed euro experiment gone predictably wrong.

          They are having to barter for food, have had their energy supplies cut off and are just about to be hit by winter snows. Yesterday apparently some ‘greek’ technocrat minister appointed by france/germany went out onto the streets to try and calm the rioting only he had to be surrounded by the army or the people would have lynched him.

          This crisis is just beginning thanks to the rumpypumpy’s of brussels,


        • 203
          JH says:

          Yeah, it would be awful if we had to tear up all those volumes of regulations. They are really thick, even Geoff Hastings would struggle.

          Free trade with all. Not that painful, really.

          We have a world-recognised currency that we can print at will. Life will be far easier for us than some of our Euro-monkey friends.


        • 300
          Heretic says:

          The Banks are ready for the collapse of the (puke) Euro Dollar,
          the last six years they have been engineering & planning for
          this very scenario !!.
          From the constant bail-outs , propping-up of the banking system &
          cozy ‘chats’ it is so so clear,the financial institutions are waiting
          to grab everything that is not nailed down.
          Let’s face it the elected twats have no idea !!


    • 200
      pub quiz says:

      Why not do what Mahathir did in Malaysia during the Asian financial crisis in (?)1998, which was to get somebody to show the IMF creeps, who wanted to take over the country’s finances via expensive loans, the way back to the airport, declare with immediate effect the Ringgit a non-tradeable currency outside the country to stop all speculation, and then set a fixed rate of exchange of RM3.8 to US$1. That worked a treat and Malaysia was not thereafter really affected like Thailand and a few others and managed to sort itself out without outside “assistance”.

      If it is Greece in the spotlight, same thing – with effect from Monday morning drachma is the official currrency and fixed rate is x drachmas to the US$ (NOT the euro!!). Then let the banks and the companies and the ma*kets sort themselves out without allowing the Commissars from Brussels to interfere. Would take most of them a month at most. The probable result will be that Greece suddenly becomes much more attractive for tourists and for those who would like to buy a holiday home by the sea. Business would pick up quickly and their ouzo and olives also become more affordable; and the euro millstone is removed from round their necks.

      What’s not to like?

      If the EUSSR send in the troops, the entire nature of the project will be revealed for what it is and can then be dealt with appropriately.


    • 247
      Really? says:

      My first thought is that Greek-printed Euro notes circulate freely beyond that nation’s borders at par with notes printed by/for the Germans, Dutch, French etc. (even if some individuals are already unwilling to accept ‘Greek euros’ as payment).

      Transforming them into New Drachma would leave a lot of people outside Greece (perhaps most obviously in Cyprus) suddenly holding devalued paper. I hope that I’ve misunderstood your attractively simple plan.


  25. 49
    Nick Clegg says:

    This competition is asking the wrong question.

    There is no need to discuss countries leaving the Euro.
    It would be much better to ask “How do we get the remaining 196 world countries to join the Euro?”


  26. 52
    Ivor Tapeworm says:

    1) The European country in question would have to hide from all the others.

    2) Everyone in the country then gets their Euros out and crosses out ‘Euro’ with Sharpie pens and writes ‘Zimbabwe Dollar’ on them.

    Job done.


  27. 54
    labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    Bye the bye, when it all goes tit’s up, should we let the likes of traitors richard corbett

    von rumplelstiltskins ‘advisor, and McGoon’s mole mzz baroness ashton, back in the country, after all they and others have done their best to neuter the British.


    • 126
      Let's be kind - it's Christmas says:

      Just revoke his passport and let him rot over there. As long as we don’t pay anything towards his salary, who cares? Maybe the Germans can employ him. I hear they may need more people to clean out the monkey house at Berlin zoo.


  28. 56
    Anonymous says:

    Whats the odds on Edd Balls to win with his brilliant mind on economics,


  29. 58
    Omniscient says:

    Give Ed Balls the Exchequer job in they Eurozone country of your choice. The resulting guaranteed tax flight and exodus by any wage earner or saver will trigger a desperate plea to IMF within weeks. Job done. A bonus will be extermination of any banks. However the country will look like a dog’s arse for years.


  30. 59
    Gonk says:

    My son, who has been studying advanced economic theory, assures me that
    the inevitable monetary breakup of Europe can be explained thus,


  31. 61
    Dudley Zoo says:

    the country should just leave and those who want to trade in Euros can continue, those who don’t, use the new currency


  32. 67
    YorkshireLad says:

    It is a slow day in a little Greek village.

    The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are
    tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

    On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the
    village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk,
    telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order
    to pick one to spend the night.

    The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked
    upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay
    his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his
    debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at
    the supplier of feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his
    drinks bill at the taverna.

    The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at
    the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him
    “services” on credit.

    The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the
    hotel owner with the €100 note.

    The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so
    the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100
    note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
    and leaves town.

    No one produced anything.

    No one earned anything.

    However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the
    future with a lot more optimism.


    • 80
      jgm2 says:

      The problem with that scenario is that somebody in there will not owe anybody any cash and so will not pass on the 100 Euro. Or will simply nick it and renege on their debts to the next person down the line.


      • 100
        Edd Balls says:

        See! thats how to run the economy, Gordon will love it!


      • 185
        pub quiz says:

        No. The problem with that is that the only person who has still not been paid is the hotel chap (who had to hand the note back to the tourist, so it is no longer in his pocket) and there is nobody he can claim the cash back from.


        • 250
          East India Company wallah says:

          No the real problem is in the real world the 100euro note would be haircut by VAT,corporation tax and income tax and would after the butcher received 40 odd euros have needed a trip to the bookies to replenish the fund-well thats what ed balls told me!


    • 96

      The tourist is unnecessary to that chain of transactions. If all debts and amounts were as stated, then everyone had provided value and there was effectively no debt. There was no liquidity either. That was provided by the wealthy German tourist stumbling in and out.

      If Europe’s and the UK’s finances were that good, we would be in relative clover. Problem is …


    • 152
      Anonymous says:

      A neat solution when both the debtor and creditor are for equal amounts and the “loan” from the German is interest free. Unfortunately reality then intrudes.


      • 214
        MrAngry61 says:

        Didn’t Rossminster operate schemes like that?

        I heard of one where a cheque was produced, passed around a table and then removed – resulting in 20 tax scams…


      • 251
        AC1 says:

        Also you forgot the harmful problem caused by transaction taxes.

        It’s like “the system” is geared up to favour us being in debt (and thus paying bondholders for existing)…


  33. 68
    nellnewman says:

    Of course the biggest issue to be addressed is how on earth will the kinnochios live without access to the euro gravy train. They’ll starve!!


  34. 71
    Ironside says:

    It’s simple.

    Put the Greeks in charge of the Rating Agencies.

    Job done.


  35. 72
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Who really wants to win 250K tho?, that is nothing compared to winning the Order-order caption contest and t-shirt :-)


  36. 73
    Gordon McBrown says:

    There is no question to which the answer is not “more government spending.”


  37. 76
    SouthEastVoter says:

    If Mandelson and the Kinnocks gave up their Euro Pensions then the Euro bail out would have more than enough money to end the crisis.


  38. 82
    Not surprised says:

    So just telling them to “Fuck off” won’t cut it?


    • 103
      Eddie Elizabeth Hitler says:

      No but Arkell v Pressdram would be less offensive


      • 171
        Not surprised says:

        I didn’t think anyone would be offended by me using the phrase “Won’t cut it” !!

        Any issues resulting in offence should be referred to my legal advisor Mr Justice Cocklecarrot c/o Sue, Grabbitt and Runne.


  39. 83
    Jimmy says:

    Why would private contracts need to be altered?


  40. 86
    Laker Airways pilot says:

    The country could take out a superinjunction and then issue Green Shield stamps as the new currency. Dust would settle in days.


  41. 87
    Comic Opera says:

    this is simple:

    you take the gate at the top of the driveway, turn left and keep on going until you reach a set of traffic lights. Carry on through them and at the next set of lights turn right, proceed a further 400 metres then take a sharp left into the main high street. Stop off at OneStop for a packet of fags and then continue along the main highway, with the coast to your right. The scenery is magnificent as you drive along the main thoroughfare on to the coast road …… free at last, free at last


  42. 88
    Anonymous says:

    they think they have a month to work this out?


  43. 89
    Comic Opera says:

    queen having problems, has to raise cash as ‘austerity’ bites ….

    gotta larf hasn’t one???


    • 195
      Ann Historian says:

      It must be meet the Fokkers time.


    • 215
      The Golem says:

      The time to really start worrying is when Her Maj and family climb aboard their private jumbo jet and seek sanctuary in Canada.


      • 258
        Zebedee says:

        That’ll be a great day. As long as they don’t try and loot the country of its artworks and pay their back taxes on exit, they ought to be free to leave, if the Canadians are willing to have them


  44. 92
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    The answer is socialisim!


    • 95
      nellnewman says:

      socialism internationally is dying. It’s just taking a rather long time about it.


      • 102
        Billy Bowden in the greatest umpire ever ! says:

        It is very busy in the booth today – lots of trucks in an out in the Christmas rush – not a good day to be hungover – thank goodness there are many threads to comment on today :)


        • 105
          Billy Bowden in the greatest umpire ever ! says:

          I mean “are not many threads” – hangover must be worse than I thought


          • nellnewman says:

            Breaking up for Christmas tomorrow lunchtime Bill?


          • a non says:

            Billy. Hoping to add a bar to your recent Caption Contest Medal does not mean frequenting the Westminster Arms every night on the off chance it might be Guido and Neo’s favourite watering hole and put you ahead of the game.


          • Billy Bowden in the greatest umpire ever ! says:

            I don’t go every night, only every now and again, and I dont disturb them when they are there.

            Trucks stop at 3 pm on Friday – but i dont get off until the walking around guys have checked everywhere is locked – should be quick tomorrow I hope.


          • a non says:

            Power to your elbow Billy. Just watch out for dirty glasses [my excuse for a hangover the following day]
            Work hard, play hard is the key to success.


          • Billy Bowden in the greatest umpire ever ! says:

            With all the work that I put into this blog, there is not much time for play but thanks for the thoughts. It is nice to be so appreciated by people I lick.


        • 113
          I don't need no doctor says:

          Is that the re-arrange your brain cell booth?


    • 106
      Eddie Elizabeth Hitler says:

      Well capitalism ain’t working is it?


      • 146
        I Remember You Hoo says:

        Silly boy, do you re*ally imagine for one moment we have a free market, capitalist economy? What the hell do they te*ach people at schools these days?


    • 357
      Jeremy Clarkson says:

      Must have been a really stupid question then.


  45. 101
    Yes, it must be nice to have some human beings around to give you respite from Gordon's tantrums and dark mood says:


  46. 110

    Who cares about the bloody economy!

    The dismantling of the anti-democratic EU is the first step in reinstating proper democracy in Europe.


  47. 114
    Gordon Brown says:

    I wish Billy Bowden a long and happy life.


  48. 115
    An Impartial Observer says:

    If I had a plan for an orderly withdrawal of a €urozone country from the single currency I’d be looking for a bloody sight more than a meagre quarter of a mil for it. Bidding would start at a billion, cash. Not in €uros either.


    • 262
      Really? says:

      Your avarice shows the right spirit. The prize is denominated in GBP (pounds sterling); the conversion into EUR (euro) is presumably given on the assumption that the winning solution will emanate from those deepest in the sh@t, within the eurozone.

      As mentioned above, you might want to negotiate for payment in gold, wheat, or into a numbered Swiss account.


  49. 121
    Allen Stanford channeling his inner Margaret Moran says:

    I used to do a lot of transactions in many different currencies, and I would help out in this instance, but after a shellacking I took in jail I don’t remember jackshit.


  50. 124
    David Miliband sends Ed a christmas card says:

    Well if you told me you were drowning
    I would not lend a hand


    • 134
      David Miliband says:

      If Ed told me he was drowning, I would reply “that’s because I’ve got my foot on your head.”


    • 142
      Benjamin "Dizzy" Disraeli says:

      An updated version:

      If Ed Miliband fell into the Thames= misfortune;
      If anyone rescued him= calamity.


  51. 129
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I think the Euro should be taken outside and shot!


  52. 130
    Anonymous says:

    Come on its very simple. Launch 1000 bombers at Berlin until Angela Merkel shoots herself in a bunker.


    • 133
      Anon says:

      A bit old fashioned. Why not just push the red ‘delete’ button on the PM’s desk and.. no more Berlin?

      (Of course, it’s the EU that’s maintained peace in Europe for 65 years. Not anything so mundane as a nuclear deterrent that would squash Germany like a bug if it tried to get up to its old shit again.)


  53. 135
    BillyBob... says:

    Don’t they know it is Christmas ??


  54. 144
    Euro la la land says:

    Be nice you nasty lot, wish me a merry Christmas and a happy new year or I’ll demand you pay even more in to my IMF tit.

    *suckle suckle*


  55. 145
    I applaud SwiftCover for treating Watson with contempt! says:


    • 268
      East India Company wallah says:

      What an odious kHunt,all those years in power he ate and slept like a lardarse hog oblivious to all the shenanigans being stroked by a then pliant labour friendly media,that fatty was negligence
      Now is not the time to view yourself as a moral crusader fatty, that time was when you had the ear of all heads of departments through your ministerial comrades
      You failed fatty
      just do one ya throstle choker


  56. 146

    In the spring there will be growth.

    Peter Sellers – Being There

    It is spring now by the looks of it…


  57. 151
    Ed Milibandit says:

    My shadow chancellor is with the maximum imbecile right now working on this. We could do with this prizemoney in the Labour coffers.


    • 164
      McBrown says:

      scribble** scribble ** Borrow from the markets ** scribble** MASSIVE PFI scheme to buy up Ireland over 30 years at 200 times its value. ** scribble ** no deposit – nothing to pay for two years * scribble scribble ** I saved the world —

      hang on! This isn’t a pencil! Its a carrot?


      • 176
        McBrown says:

        organise a charity Christmas single. Use proceeds to pay off world’s debts.

        I’ll organise as I’ve already been on America’s got Talent.
        Lets see… Who’s available who’s been in the news..

        Ed Miliband
        Dave Miliband
        Steve Milliband
        J.K. Rowling
        Eddie Izzard
        Alex Fergusson
        Baroness Ashton
        Piers Morgan
        Fred Goodwin
        All those women in the M&S advert. Women’ll do anything once they’re past 50.
        Ed Byrne
        Lady & Lord GaGa {aka Lord Prescott & Pauline}


  58. 156
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


  59. 158
  60. 165
    Aiden Burley says:

    Anyone care to join me for a rendition of the “Horst Wessell” ??


    • 174
      BillyBob... says:

      I would prefer Kay Burley asking for my grosse bratwurst :)


    • 242
      The British Army says:

      We beat them


      • 317
        BillyBob... says:

        Who ? surely not the Iraqis??? the Royal Navy raised the white flag to the Iraniiiiiians :)


      • 335
        Baby Heinrich says:

        Which Anglo-Afghan War are you referring to? The 1839 one? The 1878 one? The 1919 one? Or the present 2001 fiasco?
        When will our politicians stop interfering in other countries, so that young squaddies who sign up in their foolhardy ignorance stop getting pointlessly killed?


        • 392
          Little PC Hand-wringing Gobshite Hypocrites says:

          Cause said armies being at home makes for dangerous observers of the Governments dealings.

          Ever notice how Governments make even more power grabs on the domestic population as each war comes along……


          • Plodophile says:

            But I feel so much safer with the Government looking after me. Unfortunately those nice policemen kill the occasional innocent, but the IPCC can be relied upon to investigate and report months after I’ve forgotten the incident.


        • 421
          Bit awkward really says:

          One of those slightly uncomfortable moments when you walk in on some one saying something deep and meaningful and then you ralise they are on there own.


        • 429
          John Reid, Baron Reid of Cardowan says:

          He was probably referring to the latest “police action” in Afghanistan.

          It is not a war.

          As I said in January 2006, British troops troops would leave that place “without a single shot being fired.”

          Admittedly, by 2008, 4 million bullets had been fired by the British armed forces, but that’s easy to say in hind-sight.


        • 478
          'allo 'allo says:

          .. as opposed to pointfully killed?


  61. 169
    tater sack says:

    has Tom Watson burst his car?


  62. 178
    Tony Blur says:

    Hi! Look..I’d like to help out. But not with my own cash.

    How about if I organise a Christmas single sung by a choir made from widows of the dead British soldiers of my many wars?


  63. 189
    WVM says:

    Where’s that sexy French girl gone?


  64. 204
    Ed Balls says:



  65. 208
    Captain Lugard says:

    It has been suggested to have a two tier euro, creating a second weaker currency to push the runt economies into.

    I suggest a creation of a new 2nd Euro the EuroMark a stronger currency with very very strict entry requirements which will actually be adhered to this time.


  66. 209
    Language Police says:

    You couldn’t make it up. Alan Hansen has had to apologise for calling black footballers “coloured”.


  67. 213
    I hate Ed Balls says:

    I agree with the French police decision to interview Aiden Burley and the other people at the party. Just a shame Labour never interviewed Ed Balls about dressing up as an SS soldier.


  68. 222
    New topics, please says:

    Where’s Guido? In the pub?
    No new topics?

    How about tube train drivers striking on Boxing Day?
    And why aren’t they working on Christmas Day? Half the population of London is Muslim or Sikh or Hindu.


  69. 224
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Steve Kean for labour leader and Ed miliband for Blackburn rovers boss.


  70. 240
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’d like a nice snot sandwich.

    Nurse! Where’s my rocking horse?


  71. 252
    A Bloke Of A Certain Age ( apoligies to P McCartney) says:

    The street of Shame there is a journo with a mobile phone
    Of every ‘sleb he’s had the pleasure to know
    And all the famous that come and go
    Featured in Hello

    On the corner is a Banker with a Ponzi Scheme
    A massive hole the size he hides behind his back
    And the banker plots with Freddie Mac
    It’s a risky game
    Very Strange

    Street of Shame
    With cops your ears, corrupted eyes
    There beneath the blue suburban skies
    A bung and meanwhile back…..


  72. 276
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    We invest all our money in the Euro our country goes bust and then we
    install an unelected prime minister to tell us the error of our ways
    The European union come to our rescue and then we prosper

    What do you mean that won’t work ?


  73. 279
    Cressida's Dick says:

    George Michael released from hospital to enjoy a last christmas.


    • 327
      Baby Heinrich says:

      Please tell us whether you are an ambitious young constable of enviable proportions, or merely a strap-on accessory for the WPcs


    • 343
      MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

      “Last Christmas i gave you my arse”
      and the very next day you said your not gay
      This year because your not queer
      i’ll give it to someone special


      • 394
        Baby Heinrich says:

        The obnoxious little prats that used to be Special Constables have morphed into Community Support Officers. Still require processing by Cressida’s tool however.


  74. 287
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Remember To Vote For Billy Bowden – BBC Sports Personality Of The Year BBC1 tonight


    • 288
      Postal Voter says:

      How many times should I be voting, isn’t it ?


    • 291
      Emily Litella says:

      I’m voting for Alastair Cook– I’ve always loved his Letters from America!
      Oh– Alastair Cook the cricketer!
      (Never mind.)


      • 398
        Anonymous says:

        Alistair Cooke ? Cricket ? Ashes ?…emmm Im sure there is ajoke in there somewhere


        • 458
          "Emily Litella" says:

          Unfortunately for Mr. Cook the cricketer, he shares a name different in spelling but identical in sound to that of the revered television and radio personality, whose post-mortem arrangements were, shall we say, handled rather dodgily, at a minimum. It is also Mr. Cook the cricketer’s misfortune, so to sp**k, to play a sport an important Test Series of which is called “the Ashes.” The confluence of these facts is a gruesome coincidence, to be sure. But the “joke,” as you put it, is understood to be the fact that “Emily Litella” is a classic comedy character (from American TV of the 1970′s) who was liable to go off half-cocked into a rant, based on a mishearing of something broadcast on television (she was a woman of about sixty years old who was beginning to need a hearing aid), unless someone quickly corrected her, whereupon she would meekly excuse herself. You can hear the audio of one of her sketches here (pick it up at about 0:15):

          No disrespect meant to Mr.Cooke the broadcaster’s memory or living family.


    • 292
      ffs! says:

      Fuck off already!


  75. 289
    Selohesra says:

    Convert all euro debt to equity – let it trade a while and let’s see who is owning these countries and institutions?


  76. 295
    The BBC says:

    There was no news today.

    The economy didn’t get any better. Hansen didn’t go all Clarkson on MOTD.
    The ECB didn’t bail out every bank in the Europe in case the cash points went off over Xmas and caused total Europe wide anarchy as shoppers unable to access money for the boxing day sales rioted.

    No..nothing happened today at all.



  77. 299

    BBC 1 . New political comedy.

    “Life’s too shit.”

    Pygmy politician Ed Miliband gets into all sorts of hysterical scrapes and mishaps and ends up living in Jacqui Smith’s sister’s spare room after losing his job, his party and even his second house.
    His depressed and suicidal, hopeless accountant {Played convincingly by Gordon Brown} has made a huge error as his ‘spend the way out of debt’ policies have bankrupted the labour party and the nation.

    Little Ed, once liked by the public but now long since ignored, tries to get help from his old comedy pals Steven {Brendan Barber} and Ricky {Ed Balls with a goatee,} but with ever diminishing success.

    Sun rating – ** stars.


  78. 306

    BBC 1 . New political comedy.

    “Life’s too shit.”

    Pygmy politician Ed Miliband gets into all sorts of hysterical situations and mishaps and ends up living in Jacqui Smith’s sister’s sp/are room after losing his job, his party and even his second home.

    His failing and suicidal, useless accountant {portrayed convincingly by Gordon Brown} has made a huge error as his ‘spe/nd the way out of debt’ policies have bankrup-ted the labour party.

    Little Ed, once liked by the public but now long since ignored, tries to get help from his old comedy pals Steven Merchant-Banker, {Fred Goodwin} and Ricky Gerbilface, {Ed Balls with a goatee,} but with ever diminishing success.

    Sun rating – ** stars.


  79. 308
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Why are we still on this when Labour are making massive political capitol on this Aidan Burley story
    The nazi collaborators The French are threatening to prosecute him for being at that party even though he was not the one wearing the uniform !
    Labour Shit heads in his constituency are saying people are coming up to them saying he should go
    Even though sky news could find nobody with the same opinion
    Whilst all this is going on their second in command the loathsome Creep Ed Balls is sat there in full knowledge that he chose to actually wear a Nazi uniform at a party he went to Below is the picture of Ed Balls in his Nazi uniform can you please all send a copy to your MP or to the BBC complaints page


    • 328
      The Irony says:

      And that is why poor little Eddie Balls will never be labour leader.


    • 342
      nellnewman says:

      OK so we all know that aidenburley, like edballs is a complete idiot lacking any common sense.

      More ‘amusing’ is why the french are getting their nickers in a twist over one stupid man wearing a fake na z i uniform. If that uniform is so offensive to them why didn’t they make a stand against it when hundreds wearing that uniform invaded their country in 1939/40 ? Instead of which they ran and hid and let us fight their battles for them.

      OMG the french! what a shower!


      • 382
        short arse says:

        In a recent survey of Norwich High street, 3 and a half people said, bleeeuuurgh bla bla gagga arrrrrgh plop plops….poo


      • 457
        joescotus says:

        reminds me of the day octogenarian yank arrives at paris airport absentminded he walks through customs ,, is pulled up by french customs man ‘ere sir i must see your passport .. yank replies” back in ’44 on omaha beach, i why could’nt i find any fucking french Hunt like you to ask for my passport


  80. 322
    The Puppet Master says:

    I would get out of bed and do it for 250 million at least. It’s not like the ECB aren’t already printing behind the scenes anyway so another couple of zero’s doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of the Euro.


  81. 341
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    “Ladies and gents.”

    That concludes our tour of the toilets.


  82. 350
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I’m gonna adopt a black babie for new yer! I’m so exercited!


  83. 350
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    I see Iraq is now nice and safe since the yanks pulled out 5 days ago
    give it a month and the extremists will have the country back (and the oil)


    • 356

      Safer there than Blackburn! ;-)


      • 360
        MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

        Funny you should say that
        I found this on you tube yesterday ignore who made it but this is the high street in Wembley
        It is an eye opener !


        • 369
          Ex-Labour voter says:

          Coming soon to a high street near you!

          (are they really allowed to broadcast their religious crap over tannoys like that? No wonder all the British have moved out.)


        • 377
          AC1 says:

          Get back to Wales!


        • 387

          I could direct you to a fine *Indian* restaurant in Rusholme. (In fact I have before – He is Pаkistani – not Indian.)

          Sheps runs it and I would count him as one of the best Englishmen I have ever met and a true friend of mine. A better Englishman than I consider myself to be.

          He was awarded for his bravery by The Ross McWhirter Foundation, no lefty organisation. You can find the details on the net but they are interesting.

          Unfortunately, we hear about the all to many bad ones and seldom about the good ones. I simply wanted to redress that balance. I wish he had a branch here by the Adriatic.

          Blackburn is a shithole as you well know.


          • Spartacus says:

            seldom the good ones eh.
            and the reason is . . .


          • ercur says:

            Bad news travels fastest


          • Generalisations only work so far?

            Listen to the man/woman then decide?

            Be fair and harsh?

            Remember that our own country folk don’t always match up? (Wish they did.)

            Etc., etc..


          • white flight wallah says:

            Don’t have many people of the dusky variety where you are I should imagine CRMM.


          • Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

            +1 CRMM

            Like with all, most are not talked about because they do good, only bad ones bring headlines.


          • Anonymous says:

            We all know you like the occasional black bum Billy, so hardly an impartial judge IMHO.


          • black sausage says:

            Oops, sorry. Forgot you aren’t a giver but a taker.


          • @white flight wallah

            True. But I would have Sheps living next door and would eat at his restaurant far to much, if he did! So draw your conclusion.

            Judge the man.

            @Billy. Agree with the principle. Perhaps differ with the percentages. Too many of a certain type of immigrant do not condemn the problem makers and thereby passively condoning them. A pity that they do not think things through a little bit further. I am grateful for your support however (I shall wear it every day – OK, I’ll get me coat.)


          • Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


            The people that run local takeways/papershop etc (round my way) are decent and polite people, then you see english chavs…….


          • white flight wallah says:

            Yeah, why don’t you move to somewhere like Wembley or Luton, I’m sure there’s plenty of Shep like people down there you can test your tolerance against?


          • @whіtе flіght wаllаh

            Yоυ аrе bеіng rаthеr tіrеsоmе nоw, аrеn’t yоυ? І dоn’t lіvе whеrе І dо fоr еxclυsіvеly pоlіtіcаl rеаsоns. І lіvе hеrе bеcаυsе І lіkе іt, І knоw іt fоr оvеr thrее dеcаdеs аnd bеcаυsе І fееl аt hоmе hеrе. Vеry mυch аs І іmаgіnе thаt yоυ dо (υnlеss yоυ аrе еvеn mоrе аnаl thаn yоυ аrе pоrtrаyіng yоυrsеlf.)

            Whаt dо yоυ wаnt mе tо bе? А BИP sυppоrtеr? А Nаzі (lіkе Tоny Blаіr)? Wеll sоrry оld chυm. І аm nоt gоіng tо оblіgе yоυ.

            Rеmеmbеr Bеrnаrd Mаnnіng? By nо mеаns my fаvоυrіtе cоmеdіаn, bυt аn іntеrеstіng аnd mіsυndеrstооd оnе. Hе hаd а Pаkі dоctоr lіvіng nеxt dооr tо hіm. Mаdе jоkеs аbоυt hіm tоо. Bυt rеspеctеd hіm – whіch wаs rеcіprоcаtеd.

            І dо nоt thіnk yоυ аrе stυpіd. Qυіtе thе оppоsіtе. Sо yоυ knоwn dаmn wеll whаt І аm sаyіng.

            @ Bіlly.

            І dо nоt dоυbt yоυr еxpеrіеncеs. Yоυ hаvе tо bе cаrеfυl оf drаwіng gеnеrаl cоnclυsіоns frоm spеcіfіc cіrcυmstаncеs. Hоwеvеr, І аdmіrе yоυr аpprоаch whіch іs brоаdly cоrrеct ІMHО.


          • Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


            I treat people how i find them, there are white people i wont mix with and colored people i wont mix with, everyone should be judged on merits :-)


          • @Billy. In my travels around the globe, I have been intrigued by the people of The Gambia. They have a semi-derogatory term for white people there; Tubab.

            When I am there, I sometimes refer to myself as a Tubab. It makes them laugh and always breaks the ice. I do not feel hurt by it (which is exactly how English law is very wrongly framed now.)

            Sticks and stones. But I’ll tell you something. I always pay the local’s taxi fare instead of the Tubab’s. I get my accommodation and meals at local’s rate. I am accepted as a local. I wonder why?


          • Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


            When in Rome ? etc


          • Confuseus says:

            When in Rome it is more difficult not to be a lion’s lunch.


          • white flight wallah says:

            “І dо nоt thіnk yоυ аrе stυpіd. Qυіtе thе оppоsіtе. Sо yоυ knоwn dаmn wеll whаt І аm sаyіng.”

            What a tedious, patronising, pompous wanker. Just piss off FFS.


          • Pompous?.

            You always end up using that adjective. It means nothing – apart from the fact that you are defeated in argument, yet again – and you know it.

            If you don’t like what I say, try LabourList. I rarely post there. Curiously, when I have done, I have never been flamed.


          • joescotus says:



          • joescotus says:

            redress the balance ,,, ya fuckwit arsehole look up met police website to check ethenticity of perps that torched london igave up all semblance of balance after page three you are one fucking weapons grade knob end


          • joescotus says:

            crmm is that it ya pretentous fucking smug Hunt go on arsewipe givous a spelcheck(you sound like one of them gaudinanista fuckers ) are you ?


          • Comical, the way you change your *style*.

            Selectively choosing NewLab spelling, but when anything difficult or complex crops up, you can spell it very well.

            I really do think you need help … even more than I do. That is saying something.

            Good night!


          • Nice Logical backflip..... says:

            So you are ok with calling yourself and being called a twat or taub to and by ni99ers but become apoplectic when white trash call you one.


          • Don’t you hanker for the old days of semi-educated trolls?

            This one clearly made up his answer before I last replied so, not having an original thought in his head, he had to use it. I had even made a joke at my expense to show that I was not really bothered.

            He probably didn’t even write all of it himself. It was on a crib sheet he had been given by his HQ.

            Note 1) his racism versus 2) his ability to spell apoplectic. It’s what the left call a composite statement. Made with two left hands.


          • Great Big Billy Goat Gruff says:

            So who educated said troll, I wonder ? It obviously can’t have received a Labour education.


          • One left hand definitely did. The other possibly didn’t.

            I don’t use my left hand for that though.


  84. 354
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Labour in Cannock Chase Saying that people are coming up to them in the street saying they are appalled and that Aidan Burley should resign !
    Sky news say they have been there all day and haven’t yet found anybody with that point of view !
    Labour Liars and Fools


  85. 359
    Apathy Rising says:

    One effect I haven’t seen mentioned is that Euro notes will become a premium means of exchange within Greece giving the country have two economies, much like now. If you need urgent help and offer the new currency you won’t get a call back, but offering Euros gets you immediate attention.

    In Argentina currencies other than their own are treated like drugs with sniffer dogs checking travellers, which isn’t so easy with Greece having a land border and an established problem already with strangers coming and going by sea.

    Technically it’s possible, but the resulting consequences are hideous to consider, and will create even more problems without doing much to solve the current crisis. This is one crazy fairground ride you’re strapped into until the end.

    How would you feel if Boeing told you mid-flight that they hadn’t planned how to land the plane they’d built ? It’s what our Euro financial boffins in brussels have done. Their only solution is to keep pouring money into it, like an engine gushing oil. Even a marsupial could come up with a more effective solution.

    Banks created the problem. Governments lend money to banks at giveaway rates. They loan money to broke governments and make a fortune – and so the wheel turns. Making a hamster run faster and faster inside a wheel – result ? – the hamster eventually dies.

    The original problem is that governments chose to defy the first law of Capitalism – losers shouldn’t prosper.


    • 375
      AC1 says:


      Governments regulated the volume of debt into existence.

      Governments need debt to simulate money velocity.

      Why is money velocity low? We tax the wrong things (like work, saving, spending, investing and employing).


    • 376
      The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

      An old drinking buddy of mine was in Bulgaria back in the bad old days. He was paying for everything in Bulgarian doohickies (or whatever the currency was in them days). He had got them before he left Blighty but just in case he had some USD in his sock. When he ran out he apologised to the manager of the hotel and produced a one dollar bill and he was immediately treated like a king from then on and he got all sorts of things for a quarter of the usual price.


      • 440
        Back When a Dollar WAS a Dollar, and Nobody HAD a Dollar says:


      • 474
        Un voyager en Afrique says:

        BFT: Yes, I had a similar experience travelling in Algeria in the late 1960s. I had not changed quite enough pounds into the local money to cover an overnight hotel stop out in the sticks – and in those days hotels had no authority to accept anything other than local stuff, plus foreign currency in the hands of the locals could result in them being in serious doodoo . However, an understanding local came to my rescue and happily paid the quite small (to me) balance of the bill. When we got outside I gave him a couple of packs of fags and a fiver. Happily he was not one of their undercover snoops – or, for all I know, he was but was quite happy with our little unofficial ‘arrangement’. We both went happily on our way and I changed more money when I arrived in Algiers.


  86. 365
    Ah! Monika says:

    Want a new car? Simps

    Stuff yourself till you weigh over 25 stones, claim incapacity benefit, then Mobility Allowance, then Motability Car. Better still get you sister to mirror your behaviour
    and she can drive you and you can drive her. Where to? To Primary Care Trust Physiotherapy because your joints will no longer support you.
    Who pays for the food, car and physio? Guess.


    • 385
    • 410
      Pissed-Off Taxpayer says:

      I’m doing you taxpayer mugs a favour really. I’m high cost while alive, but my life expectancy is reduced so you don’t have to pay my pension solong. Hang on, I forgot that I bred the next generation of skivers before I achieved my current obscene physique. So I’ll still be costing you after I’ve overloaded the crematorium equipment.


  87. 371
    Ed Miliband says:

    My people, thith ith your Dear Leader. I mean, leader of the oppothition. I hope you all have a very merry ramadan and eid. Thith time next year, Rodderth, we’ll be millionaireth. Thorry, I mean, I’ll be your prime minithter, provided we can get enough fraudulent pothtal voteth. Oopth, did I thay that bit out loud?


  88. 373
    ++BREAKING WIND++ says:

    Standard & Poor’s has cut Goldman Sach’s credit rating from AA- to A+.


    • 383
      The Laundry Maid says:

      As long as they haven’t been arrested.


    • 388
      Incapable Vince says:

      Are these ratings agencies the same people who graded toxic sub-prime mortgages AAA ?


      • 400
        Watch the thieves turn on other thieves says:

        It’s wrong to try and roll shit in glitter with mortgages by your logic, but it’s ok to lend some burger flipper or other dead end no hoper job 100k to buy a house without calling a spade a spade and admitting the truth that these people are the bottom rung and shit stains of society no matter how you try and dress it up and make them feel special and try to make them vote for you.

        And you wonder why the mortgages turned out to be junk? Low and behold the people who where being leant them are the junk of society. BUT WE CAN’T ADMIT THAT NOW CAN WE……..


        • 418
          Incapable Vince says:

          You can thank Bill Clinton for over-inflating the American property market. Over here it was ‘No boom, no bust’ McMental who pumped up the housing market. Remember Northern Rock’s 125% self-cert mortgages ?? Bet they got sliced, diced and repackaged with the ratings agencies stamping ‘AAA’ on them.


          • Father of the Manse says:

            McMental tells me he feels he is becoming a god, same as Caligula. Hasn’t the boy done well?


        • 425
          Gonk says:

          Not quite….Yet.


    • 432
      ++BREAKING WIND++ says:

      It seems that Standard & Poor’s hasn’t downgraded Goldman Sachs after all. They just accidentally said that they had on their website. Again!


  89. 374
    A Bankers Joke says:

    Mervyn King just wished everyone at the press conference a merry christmas and a “systemically stable 2012″


  90. 379
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    As the great econemist Derek Draper said “debt is not a problem”


    • 439
      The Paragnostic says:

      Ah – Derek Draper, the man to whom can be attributed the modern etymology of the word “berk”. Los Angeles rhyming slang – “Berkley People’s Front = Cunt”.

      Soon to be eclipsed in that regard by a return to London, as “Bercow’s an affront (to the office of Speaker) = cunt” replaces the transatlantic formulation.

      Of course, the above derivations may be a complete load of Billy Bowden.


  91. 386
    Economic genius says says:

    It’s all very simple, and I claim my 250K.

    Using Greece as an example:

    If there a gazillion euros in circulation in Greece, you print 4 gazillion drachma (4 to 1 seems about right as a first stab)

    Anybody earning , say 250 euros/month, now gets 1,000 drachma instead.

    If I am an English company selling to Greece under a contract denonimated in euros, I will now get get four drachma per one euro under the contract; these four drachma, I will sell to the Huns for one euro, which I will immediately sell for US dollars.

    Anyone buying from Greece, if such a person exists, will now pay four drachma for every euro, the said drachma having been bought from the Huns for one euro.

    I would imagine that this furore having been boiling for so long, any new contracts over the last few months will have been denominated in sterling or US dollars, so the issue must be gradually fading anyway.

    This process proceeds for all the countries in the eurozone in turn, in an orderly
    manner, until all the euros are in Hun hands, which they now rename Deutschmarks.

    If there is anyone out there with the temerity to disagree with this masterly analysis, send me your address so that I can come round and kick your head in.


    • 399
      Ed Balls, Shallow Chancer says:

      Fancy working for me when I’m Chancellor of the Exchequer ?


    • 422
      Baby Heinrich says:

      The Fourth Reich wins. Much easier than the last attempt. By the way, thanks for all the useful personal data you’ve been shovelling into cyberspace, it will make the next stage of our plan so much easier.


  92. 391
    Gordon 'Get The Fucking John Bull Kit Out & Print More Notes' Brown MP says:

    Today that Mrs Macaulay woman took away all my sweeties and fizzy pop and told me that Santa wouldn’t visit unless I put the baby jesus back in his crib. I keep trying to tell the stupid woman that I saved the world, not Jesus! Please can I have a new carer, this woman is very beastly to me.


    • 415
      Mervyn (soon to be Lord) says:

      Have you had you head in the sand or stuck up your arse these last few years Gorgon? We don’t print money any more, we just press a the enter button on the keyboard and Quantitatively Ease the stuff. How much would you like Santa to provide for you? Another 275 billion quid? Why not a trillion? (Tony and Cherie could do with a top-up of expenses no doubt)


  93. 396
    Engineer says:

    I know I’m only a simple engineer, fit only for ensuring that chemical plants don’t blow up or fall down in earthquakes, and thus totally unqualified to comment on matters of international economics, but I’m not going to let ignorance be a barrier to holding an opinion.

    Some years ago, several nations ceased to use their own currencies and adopted the Euro. If one or more wish to cease using the Euro and readopt their own currency, they should dust off the instruction manual they used last time, and apply it in reverse.

    There may, of course, be consequences in the markets to the readoption of their old currencies. The Central Bank of the nation in question should carry out risk analyses before taking action.

    It might be a good idea to get on with this pretty damn soon, especially in Greece, Ireland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Belgium. France, Germany and the rest might like to undertake stage two above, just in case.


  94. 397
    Anonymous says:

    Question : “How does a country exit the euro ?”

    Answer : “That is what the Christmas weekend is for.”


  95. 412
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


  96. 413
    nellnewman says:

    I’ve been watching the aidenburley nonsense with amusement.

    The more labour keep trying to focus media attention on the idiot burley the more people keep remembering that bulllyballs did the same thing.

    It’s almost as though militwit’s goon squad is generating the media embarassment for bullyballs through the burley scandal in the hope of having a reason to get rid of the unwanted shadow chancellor.

    Oh conspiracy theories I love them!


  97. 424
    Brusselator says:

    The USA together with the UK should run the Eurozone. A new currency is created from their merged currencies, the Dollerling.

    Greeks would be enslaved, their estates being divided amongst the new Anglo-Septico aristocracy, while the former are put to work running and manning the world’s shipping.

    The Germans are allowed to keep their country but are closely monitored, since it was they who broke the original eurozone fiscal rules. They are tasked with making sure the euro engineering projects are brought in with requisite quality and timeliness. Under no circumstances are they allowed to produce food, but they are encouraged to produce beer.

    The French are allowed to remain producers of food providing they keep their fucking mouths shut. Their estates are confiscated but they are allowed to consume a reasonable % of what is produced on them.

    The Spanish, Portugese and Italians are merged into a new country to be called Dagosia. They will specialise in hair-dressing and the production of cheap wine for British consumption.

    Ireland will be merged with Romania and together will specialise in the production of vegetables.

    Scotland will be twinned with a small unheard of island off the northern coast of Finland and forgotten.


  98. 426
    Old Codger says:

    I am totally out of touch with the modern Euro world.

    Why can a man go to jail for taking part in a piss take of the Nazis?

    For fucks sake dressing up in fancy dress SS uniforms has been done since the war ended. Ask Ed Balls

    Why do modern day judges think this sort of piss take illegal?

    I HATE the modern day EURO THOUGHT CONTROL


    • 436
      The Paragnostic says:

      It’s the French. They have a bit of a complex view on WWII, since so many of them collaborated with the Nazis.

      Any reflection on the history of the period is thoroughly frowned upon – and if you look at Shortarzy’s paternal ancestry, you will find Hungarian collaboration there too.

      Still, when in Rome and all that – dressing up in an SS uniform in France is even sillier than doing the same at Oxford, so fuck ‘em.


      • 441

        Quite agree.

        It’s a bit like sex.

        What you do within your own house and with whom (within obvious limitations) is your own business.

        What you do out in the high street is totally different.

        What you do on Suq al-Alawi, Jeddah, is different again.

        What is difficult about understanding that?


        • 454
          Anon says:

          The only thing to understand is that everyone intimately involved in politics or law-making is a public sector parasite who should be gassed immediately.

          That’s it.


        • 477
          'allo 'allo says:

          Vat iss all ziss, zen? Ver ve lucky ve did not get done for vearing zeez costumes? Ze verld iss run by ze Grand Order ov zer Dumpykofs, nein?


    • 442
      Ed Balls, Shallow Chancer says:


    • 466
      albacore says:

      Steady on, lad. It’s only obedience training
      If the state pisses on you and tells you it’s raining
      Meekly get out your brolly and wellies and mack
      But whatever you do you must never talk back


  99. 431
    ++BREAKING WIND++ says:

    Slovenia has just been downgraded by Moody’s to A1, from Aa3


  100. 434
    Rodders says:

    What a strange world we now live in. To debate the past is made illegal and to dress up as the past is made illegal.


  101. 435
    St.Tone says:

    What could Cherie do with this Winterval?


  102. 447
    Merry Christmas from Pat says:


  103. 448
    cynic2 says:

    1 Open door

    2 stap outside

    3 breath fress invigourating air of political and fiscal freedom


  104. 463
    Ed Moribund says:

    Dear Santa.
    Last year I asked for some policies, but I only got a voucher for nose surgery.
    This year could you please bring me a personality.
    Love ..Ed.

    PSL If you really know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice then don’t give anything to Ed Balls who’s been a right little shit.


  105. 468
    Anonymous says:

    David Mills, husband of Tessa Jowell, admits being a fucking liar in order to dodge tax on $600,000.


    • 492
      Cosa Nostril says:

      Did she admit to being a fucking liar in order to screw the whole country?

      And what was her pay-off for the 2005 Gambling Act?


  106. 473
    Comic Opera says:

    Shit – the new fragrance by david beckham


  107. 480
    Sir Watt Snough says:

    Ed Swivel-Eyes doing his impersonation of a chameleon again :


  108. 481
    Apathy Rising says:

    A lesson in Gordonomics.

    If I have 10 pounds and you have nothing – then our joint wealth is 10 pounds

    If I loan you 10 pounds – then our joint wealth is 20 pounds as you have ten pounds and I have your debt of ten pounds as an asset.

    It’s called ‘double your money’.

    Governments (bust) loan banks (bust) money to loan to governments (bust).

    The prime purpose of governments lending to banks at rock bottom rates is to buy government debt, and with pressure on banks to improve their capital ratios I note this comment

    “Gilmore referred to a regulatory quirk known as a “Basel Committee” rule. That assigns a zero risk-weighting to sovereign debt for the purposes of gauging a bank’s capital adequacy ratio, and is seen by many as a key original cause of the euro zone’s problems.”

    Now – it was the incorrect assignation of AAA ratings to junk security that got us where we are. This wheeze has infected the market at the highest level, and if banks are effectively being obliged to improve their capital ratios by buying junk government debt – the problem is getting worse, not better.

    The solution is to stop borrowing – not borrow more and more until the system blows up because it’s gorged itself on toxic debt.


    • 491
      The Paragnostic says:

      Why do you think the ECB’s 1% loans were going like hot cakes this week? Shoring up those capital ratios for when the Eurozone tries to bugger around with more bits they don’t understand, that’s where most of the money went…


    • 493
      Ed Balls, Shallow Chancer says:

      No,no,no !!! We’ve got to borrow our way out of the economic downturn.

      Keep borrowing and spending, spending and borrowing.

      This is a fundamental principle and is my own economic theory. It’s complete Balls.


  109. 483

    A miserable Christmas for Labour wonks.

    They were rubbing their hands at the prospect of a downwards revision to Q3 a while ago but the pesky thing adjusted itself upwards.

    Never mind. They have Ed. (They need his Ed on a plate really.)


  110. 485
    GlobalGaz says:


    How did they enter the Euro? Same issues the other way around.

    Simply reverse what was done to enter the Euro….et voila!! At the very least the model can be used as a framework.

    Where do I collect my prize?


    • 504
      Happy Taxpayer says:

      It’s ready waiting in the parallel universe where time flows backwards — and rpentant socialists can undo their f–k-ups


  111. 488
    GordNoB Rown says:

    My pants has just been downgraded by Mrs Moody from clean to poopy.


    • 497
      Happy Taxpayer says:

      Hold on Gord. The Public Sector Social Services Emergency Arse Wiping Team (including Work Experience Youth Trainees) are on their way. Just bend over and wait for your comeuppance.


  112. 490
    The BBC are Cunts says:

    The evidence…..


    • 500
      Happy Taxpayer says:

      No they’re not. Hunts have a practical use and some are attractive as well. The BBC is neither.


  113. 494
    Well it's a thought says:

    Euro= whatever currency we signed to get out of, if you don’t like it fck u too, were in deep doo doo, exit visas will be issued, no foreign transfers of bank accounts allowed, it starts immediatly, the Euro will be phased out, if you don’t like it we will have an election in 6months and you can sort out the mess, all uncivil servants will be shot if they breath a word to the MSM, the rest as the above comments.


  114. 498
    Ah! Monika says:



  115. 499
    Ah! Monika says:



  116. 505
    Apathy Rising says:

    For as long as toxic debt is being unrealistically rated, and banks are being lent money to buy it, we are riding a Ponzi scam in to oblivion.

    As soon as those who trashed their financial institutions were protected from their folly, this was inevitable. The rule books and common sense were set aside for the economic gymnasts to take centre stage.

    A leveraged bail out fund ? Need I say more ?


  117. 507
    Mark Wouters says:

    “CORPORAL CAMERON and CORPORAL CLEGG” are Fascist Rock Suckers,we had all this rightwing s–t under Thatcher, why do we Hve to suffer more??????????????


  118. 508
    Mark Wouters says:

    We had all this Fascist s–te under Thatcher,Why Do CORPORAL CLEGG AND CORPORAL CAMERON think we will suffer more.


  119. 509
    Monkey-Wrench says:

    I have a Haynes Manual that might help. It’s entitled “How to remove a Eurozone state from the Euro”.

    The book has just one line in one chapter.

    It reads: “Removal is a reversal of the entry procedure”.


  120. 516
    sandywinder says:

    How about Greece splits from the euro the same way that The Czech republic and Slovakia split their currencies?


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Ralph Miliband on the English…

“The Englishman is a rabid nationalist. They are perhaps the most nationalist people in the world.”

Left on Left says:

The lefties are attacking because the panellist is a millionaire and lives in a London home worth upwards of two million. Someone had best tell them he’s called Ed Miliband.

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