December 16th, 2011

Get Your Guidogram

Subscribing to the Guidogram makes sure that you get emailed Guido’s weekly round up of the week. Thousands of Westminster insiders like Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis get it. Join her and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop. It is going out shortly…

You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


216 Comments

  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    aye ready to recive :-)

    • 4

      ‘Tis better to give…

    • 6
      The late Kenneth Williams says:

      Ooh I say!

    • 7
      The Health Survey for England says:

      97.5% of all men have never had sex with another man.

      • 9
        Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

        Well I am proud to be part of the 2.5% :-)

        • 13
          Seb coe's a cunt says:

          Size of member ? or brain capacity ?.

        • 17
          Lord Wayne de Trombone says:

          War of words: French attack on UK ‘simply unacceptable’ says Clegg

          Deputy Prime Minister tells French PM Francois Fillon “remarks about British economy simply unacceptable” and steps should be taken “to calm the rhetoric” in wake of EU treaty war of words

          Calm the words? How about going over there on the Eurostar and giving Sargozy a good fucking kicking? Have that you 3 inch high twat.

          • Goddess, Empress, Dictator Frau Merkel says:

            My French Sarkozy dwarf poodle is carrying out my instructions to attack the British. How dare the British refuse my control when I have all the money. I will have my revenge when my Limp-Dumb hamsters gain power with my Labour poodles.

          • Rat's arse says:

            The frogs never got over Agincourt Wayne. I think we should send another company of archers to sort the surrender m*keys out [again].

          • One might say that the diminutive French president was going out shortly…

          • Ex-Conservative voter says:

            By saying that he wants our credit-rating downgraded, the French PM is saying he wants our economy to degrade. He wants our borrowing costs to rise, our austerity to get worse. This is what the French PM says he wants.

            Why the fuck do we continue to pay £13billion a year to be a member of a club full of subhuman eurotrash cunts who want to see our economy destroyed?

            Fuck France and fuck the French.

          • Must get a pseudonym one day says:

            Time for an organised boycott of all things French.

          • Colonel Blimp says:

            We must boycott their letters.

          • Lord Trombone says:

            It is Lord Trombone to you, son

            FUCK THE FRENCH

        • 40
          Lypsinka says:

          top or bottom ?

      • 152
        Alfred C. Kinsey, Sc.D. says:

        But a lot of BOYS have had sex with BOYS– it’s all in how you phrase the question. That’s probably right, that 97.5% figure, in terms of adult males having sex with adult males. (Unfortunately, there’s another few percent. that are adult males having sex with not-quite-adult males. That’s for the Pope and other appropriate authorities to crack down on.) But in terms of >21′s with >21′s, the age of majority in most countries, a figure of 3% or so seems to hold true across all cultures and epochs, maybe an extra percent. or two if we believe there is some underreporting going on because the agent inquiring is not trusted. The figures cited of anywhere from a tenth to a third of men having had a same-sex experience usually involve sexual horseplay of boys with boys.

        Glad we could clear that up.

  2. 2
    The Major says:

    Guidogram in yet Fawkesy?

  3. 3

    Well, if Emily Maitlis is getting it, I want no part of it.

  4. 8
    Charlotte Hale - Chair PERSON - University of Wolverhampton Nazi Labour Club! says:

    I’m sure everyone will enjoy reading about me and my boss Emma Reynolds having dyke sex with waxwork Nazis!

  5. 10
    AC1 says:

    The reason profit in education is a dirty word is that parental choice and profit will show just how pathetic the states extortion funded “education” is.

  6. 11
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Emily Maitlis Gets it !
    Lucky her i say !

  7. 14
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:
  8. 16
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    An angry bloke shouted “Don’t give it if you can’t take it” at me last night.

    It’s at this point I realised, I’m probably not gay after all.

    • 22
      MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

      I was in the bog having a piss
      The bloke next to me had a cock like a horse
      I said “I’d give my right arm for some of that”
      He said “bend over you can have all of it” !

  9. 20
    Cell time says:

    Cannot believe Sky are still showing Cain Millibland at this mornings visit to Heathrowstan every half-hour, the bonus is how lame and pathetic he looks and sounds.

    Shame C4 can’t get the BB psychologist to give a run down on what might be going on in his little mind.

  10. 21
    Full Metal Jacket says:

    I don’t know but I’ve been told
    Eskimo pussy is mighty cold

  11. 25
    Chris Huhne says:

    This will be my last christmas a free man.

  12. 27
    Russian political babe can canvass me any time says:

    Does the Siberian MP get it?

  13. 33
    Full Metal Jacket says:

    Where in the hell are you from anyway, Private?

    Texas.

    Texas?! Holy dogshit! Only two things come from Texas, steers and queers, and you don’t look much like a steer to me so I guess that kinda narrows it down.

  14. 36
    Full Metal Jacket says:

    Well what do we have here, a fucking comedian, Private Joker. I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come round and fuck my sister.

  15. 38
    Full Metal Jacket says:

    Did your parents have any children that survived?

    Sir, yes sir.

    I bet they regret that. You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.

  16. 39
    annette curton says:

    What!, how many thousands of times did Emily Maitles get it from Going Out Shortly insider from in front and behind?…
    Sorry wrong thread.

  17. 45
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Cant call for anyone to be hung on this thread post……

    (To stay on topic anyway)

  18. 54
    Pvt Joker says:

    IS THAT YOU JOHN WAYNE? IS THIS ME?

    • 70
      Gunnery Sergeant Hartman says:

      Who said that?! Who the fuck said that?! Which one of you twinkle toed commie sonsabitches said that?! No one, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it!

  19. 60
  20. 66
    I Seem To Have Contracted Amnesia or Alzhemiers says:

    Does anyone know the name of that maths tomb that took nearly a decade to write? I think it’s part of a trilogy.

  21. 68
  22. 74
    Passing Reader says:

    Does the gram thingie give you discounts at Iceland or lots of lovely spam?

  23. 75
    I've quoted it enough, might as well post the video says:

    • 164
      Semper Fi! says:

      The Drill Instructor in the scene is R. Lee Ermey, who really was a “Gunny” in the USMC in the 1960s/70s. This is how the DI’s do it nowadays:

      OOO-rah!

    • 211
      Anonymous says:

      IT’s only the Olympics* Venue Gardening*

  24. 79
    Passing Reader says:

    Wey hey. A private conversation on a public web site.

    I’ll not look then.

  25. 82
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

  26. 95
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    The Euro Nazis have done it again !
    The draft treaty states that if 9 out of the 17 countries sign then it can be implemented for all 17
    WITHOUT the need to get it passed through parliaments or have to hold referendums
    If you foresee a problem Remove the problem
    It’s the EU way
    Talk about moving the fucking goal posts !

    • 97
      Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

      we aint in the 17 tho? so wont apply?

    • 103
      nellnewman says:

      Still won’t stop the euro collapsing eventually.

    • 108
      The Paragnostic says:

      Good job we’ll be in position to stop them using the EU bodies to enforce it, then.

      9 out of 17 isn’t even QMV – it’s a straight majority. The Irish should beware, lest their corporation tax (which is all that is saving them from meltdown at the moment) is pushed sky high to conform to the French idea of taxing the shit out of companies so that they can keep the sheep burners on side.

      • 121
        Passing Reader says:

        Try as I might I don’t understand all this.

        Tis all a joke. The markets will eat the euro & any bond sales come January.

        The Germans & the French will be fighting about cinders.

        • 125
          nellnewman says:

          I suspect tedheath is having a laugh at us from the other side.

          The eu and the euro is a massive joke that’s going to end in an even more massive failure; hopefully in my lifetime!

    • 114
      Anonymous says:

      I thought they meant that they could have treaty with 9 and the others could follow if they were daft enough too pass referendums etc- sounds along way from 26

      • 130
        MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

        There is no 26 any more they have all come onside with Dave (Balls of Steel) Cameron !

        • 141
          Well it's a thought says:

          Were isolated Frankie, the BBC says it, so it must be true.

          • Passing Reader says:

            How many isolated did you read & hear in the last few days?

            I wanted to insert bollocks before & after.

            How lazy. How stupid.

  27. 110
    nellnewman says:

    So I see nickclegg the next would be kinnochio eu commissioner, has told the French to shut up and stop knocking our financial position.

    Will he be telling the libdems to stop trying to undermine cameron’s stand against merkozy with our own business community?

  28. 120
    Watcher o' Midgets says:
  29. 124
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I was in the pub last night and went to the toilet.

    When I washed my hands, the water sprayed all over my jeans.

    I was extremely embarrassed, so I just went and told everyone that it was piss.

  30. 128
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Don’t mention the war ! Especially to the French
    This is why they hate us .

    • 133
      Passing Reader says:

      Clegg has just told them off.

      A bit.

      According to the Telegraph.

      That should sort it then.

      • 140
        Y Tonica says:

        He said that if they didn’t play nicely he would have no choice but to go and live in Holland.

    • 137
      The Paragnostic says:

      Petain was a shortarse, too.

      Must be something in the Vichy water. Maybe Dave should take a bottle of Malvern next time he meets Shortarzy and explain that Vichy really doesn’t cut the mustard when it comes to international relations.

      • 144
        Passing Reader says:

        Nothing really cuts the mustard with these deranged lot….

        Jonny Alliday. Edith Pissed.

      • 146

        My dad was a commander of an RN ship off Dakar that helped to sink the French fleet after Petain had refused to surrender it.

        Then three decades later, he retired to France and lived there almost four decades before he died there. We had to keep quiet about Dakar, even all that time later!

        • 149
          The Paragnostic says:

          My mother has De Gaulle to thank for her house – it’s an ex-US army officers’ bungalow that was vacated when the bignosed ungrateful twat kicked the Yanks out. Nice place, and cheap as chips when she and the old man bought it about 15 years back. Handy for La Rochelle and the nice bits of coast along there, and a short drive to Cognac.

          I like the French people – but they do seem to be unfortunate in their choice of leaders.

          • Lovely area that. Fine beaches, great wines, lovely architecture.

            Funny but was discussing this today. The French are no intellectual slouches, as you well know, but in terms of general education and adaptively, they are some way behind where the British had got to before the last lot devalued the educational currency. Much later also into the industrial revolution, they were having their real life one. My suggestion was that this tells.

            I have no illusions that we are that bright in the UK, especially after yesterday’s result in Feltham and Heston. But the French can be even more cussed and with less reason to justify it when considered en-masse.

            I say that having a number of French friends myself who are still friends despite my harsh judgment of their countrymen.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            I think the Civil War has a lot to do with it – it allowed the English to come to a much more useful arrangement with the monarchy than the French were able to with theirs. Our restoration of the monarchy but without the power contrasts with the French experience of a catastrophic revolution followed by the Napoleonic episodes, and as you say, the lack of an industrial base (as much through English protectionism as any lack of aptitude or appetite on the French side) influenced matters greatly – most of Napoleon’s military activity was aimed at capturing wealth for the French Treasury, and the influence of military thinking on their technocratic system of education cannot be dismissed.

            While England was making technological progress, France was engaged in a struggle to discover what sort of a nation they wanted to be, and a struggle to acquire rather than create wealth – they did not have the advantage of India or the extensive Caribbean holdings, and thus their supplies of cotton and other goods were less abundant and didn’t lead to invention and industrialisation.

            The more I think about it, the luckier I feel to be British, though I do have a weakness for good wine and fine food that would be better catered for over there ;-)

          • I've heard better conversations in the queue at Nettos says:

            Yawn…….

          • @Paragnostic. Completely agree with your analysis. It takes generations to put problems right. France is still paying for their past. We will be paying for successively worse government for a century IMO.

          • Anonymous says:

            The French pay a lot of heed to intellectual accomplishments, but confuse book learning with true understanding and experience. A bit like so many smart arse Oxbridge graduates who have brilliant analytic minds but zero intuition.

          • That is a fair point against perhaps rather too many of the intelligentsia.

    • 191
      Not a military man says:

      I’m not a military man, but that Frog sub at 2’21 looks like it was designed by a committee of dustbin collection operatives after an evening on the green fairy.

      • 198
        MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

        O Contraire Mon Ami at that time the French actually had the worlds largest submarine “Le Surcouf” Which had an incident on board just after the sinking of their ships . A couple of British sailors were killed in a gun fight with the crew
        there were in fact two SAS guys on board and later in the war they sacrificed themselves so this sub also could not fall into enemy hands by blowing the fucker up.
        The official explanation for it’s disappearance was an American war ship cut across it at night somewhere off Cuba The truth is the crew mutinied and were taking it back to France which we could not let happen
        The American warship story was just a smoke screen because they were already so pissed off with us

        It was a 3,500 ton beast (4,500 underwater)with 4x550mm torpedo tubes and 8x400mm
        with 2×8″ guns on her decks These two guns were fed by a magazine
        A Fucking Beast !containing 60 rounds

        • 214
          Not a naval man either says:

          Zut alors! A tale of French treachery, lies, cowardice and overwhelming urge to collaborate with Fascists? How unusual.

          Still think they forgot to put in a boiler and stuck it on the roof as an afterthought though.

          Vive la Resistance!

          Ho ho ho.

  31. 135
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    You just have to laugh at those French !

  32. 142
    albacore says:

    Stand up! Stand up for Christianity
    No Dave’s not strayed into insanity
    He’s turned it around. Heresy it ain’t
    Of favouritism there is no taint
    Any faith or no faith is just as good
    Just don’t do what you will. Do what you should
    Oh, how he dotes on that cute word “incredible”
    Smile now, and swallow, if Dave says it’s edible
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16224394

    • 147
      The Paragnostic says:

      Categorical imperatives
      Are moot, now the world’s gone all relative
      Theological cant
      Or a foul muslim rant
      It’s all much the same to that sell-out, Dave.

      • 151

        That rather unnerving chap Hegel
        Tried us all to the view to inveigle
        That pure Nothing and Being
        Far from not agreeing
        In becoming are playboy and playgirl.

        Not my work but that of a friend, the late Timothy Sprigge, who wrote a complete philosophical corpus of such august verse.

        They can be found here:
        http://www.hist-analytic.org/Sprigge3.htm

        • 154
          The Paragnostic says:

          Thanks – I think I shall bookmark that. Love the “punctilious pedestrian” for Kant, though he is rather rude about Ludwig W!

          Must have been an entertaining chap to know.

          • fuckety fuck fuck fuckety says:

            What s tedious fucking shower of shite. This blog is being fucked over by pseuds corner FFS.

          • Through conferences over the last decade and a half, I have been fortunate to meet and get to know a number of these people who, though being at the pеak of their profession, retain an approachability and kindness to a relative ignoramus, such as I am.

            Coming from the Idealist school, Timothy did not take kindly to either Wittgenstein Early or Late. But he could teach LW’s thinking as lucidly as the keenest disciples, the sign of a true professional.

            I read his Santayana this summer. The first and probably the only complete resume of the work in one volume of this interesting but sometimes rather confusing philosopher.

            Finally, Nagel’s famous paper What Is It Like to Be a Bat? (1974) was actually a reply to a question which had actually been formulated by Sprigge.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            Ooh! Get you, dearie. Long words annoying you, are they?

            Here are five short ones you have no doubt heard many times before:

            Fuck. Off. You. Useless. Cunt.

          • karl pooper says:

            Pissed again I see.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            Last comment not for you, obviously SC.

          • Passing Reader says:

            Although interesting,I did have a Monty Python moment.

            You really had to,innit.

          • No probs, Paragnostic. ;-)

            Based upon UK experiences, this blog has to expect its share of Philistines and we have them aplenty tonight.

          • the glass bead game says:

            Poor old LW went looney didn’t he? And don’t get me started on Nietzsche, blah blah blah….

            BTW, how long has language been around in the universe? About a fraction of a nano second, and yet man has the hubris to entertain the fact that he can prescribe and describe the universe with it alone. Oh do fuck off.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            “the hubris to entertain…”

            I’d love to know what other tools are available to describe the universe – and the prescription of things is just a natural feature of language, rather than a declared aim of most strands of thought.

            If you’ve indeed read the book from which you extract your moniker, then you’d understand that there are limits to our understanding, but that appeal to the supernatural is not a satisfactory way to try to overcome those limits.

            Jus’ sayin’, like.

          • the glass bead game says:

            What appeal to the supernatural?

      • 153
        Passing Reader says:

        Away in a manger
        The Clegg is asleep.
        Surrounded by Sarko & Merkle
        The creep.
        The stars in the Euro are fading & fast.
        The little lord Cleggie
        Is out on his ass.

  33. 148
    Ed Miliband says:

    Did you just see me on Live at the Apollo?

    I was using my stage name of Russell Kane, but it was me.See here

  34. 156
    will says:

    Anyway christmas has come early the guardian is starting to make redundancies, hopefully polly will be getting a P45. they might replace her with a polish journalist who is prepared to work fro a fifth of the salary.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/mediatechnologyandtelecoms/media/8961537/Guardian-to-axe-supplements-and-shrink-newspaper.html

    • 197
      MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

      FECKIN HELL READ the COMMENTS !

    • 213
      Redberry says:

      Guardian’s f*cked. It takes them a month’s sales just to pay Richbugger’s salary. We should lament the inevitable demise of a once-great title and the authentic voice of the British intellectual left.

      >titters<

  35. 158
    AnotherAnon. says:

    “The swastika flags have gone – to be replaced by those of the EU. But nothing else has changed. Paris had no Blitz”.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-562064/Oh-lovely-war-The-dazzling-photos-innocent-Parisian-fun-make-French-ashamed.html

  36. 162
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:
  37. 177
    nellnewman says:

    OK I’m off to bed Folks.

    ‘Night. Sweet Dreams.

    • 186
      Home help says:

      Don’t forget to change your colostomy bag and slip in a bodyform super size towel with wings nell.

  38. 180
    Dr Kill-dare says:

    So the NHS is negligent in caring for people with Alzheimers and other dementia diseases, as well as the old in general.

    Pretty soon, you’ll have to be in perfect health for the NHS to be able to look after you properly.

    Dontcha love the public sector.

  39. 188
    Universal Hiss says:

    I rather like the glass bead game comment.

    Pithy & hessterical.

    • 195
      The Paragnostic says:

      I thought it quite cheeky for someone using a Hesse derived moniker to accuse Wittgenstein of being mad. Hesse was a manic depressive all his life – his depiction of the illness in both Rosshalde and Klingsor’s Last Summer is so real it’s almost painful to read.

      Nice pun, by the way.

  40. 192

    Great free speech on this site.
    Thought you might appreciate some of Bill Maloney’s work:

    G20 BBC Newsnight Exclusive Unaired – Bill Maloney Reports: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCcvTvfBGsg

    Bill Maloney Rattles Ken Livingstone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l2oTdLg9UU

    Ed Balls & Harriet Harman Aggressively Questioned – Bill Maloney Reports: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muVhl-CtNB4

  41. 199

    You are all asleep, I see.

    Time to swap my flask over again. It gets refreshed from time to time.

    Which ones have been misbehaving worst …

    Have you noticed how some people suddenly disappеar from here and don’t come back?

    No accident that.

    Ah! Yes! Just the one ….

    • 200
      Tachybaptus says:

      [Right side of brain wakes up, left eye opens (optic chiasm), unfolds right leg and waves in the air it to uncramp it]
      Thick as Thieves, Hardwidge, Tapestry, Canvas, all floating in vats of formaldehyde in a cellar in New Cross …
      [Folds left leg under wing, shuts right eye, left brain goes to sleep]

    • 204
      James Dewar says:

      Good Morning – still darned cold.

      • 205

        Good Morning, James.

        Hope you are well today. It is cold here as well. I have just looked out at the long line of Dolomites and Julian Alps which present an unbroken ridge of mountain to us some 60 km to the north. After the rain, the visibility has cleared and they can be seen covered in snow. It is a consolation that, having lost our summer here, we can look out on such spectacular views.

        See you later.

  42. 208
    Fuck me says:

    Now I have seen everything, a Guido reader who has heard of and can spell Nietzsche.

    It was Peter Fleming I think who said that his view on Nietzsche was that Knightsbridge has more consonants to the square vowel.

  43. 209
    Well it's a thought says:

    I suppose you could say a rose amongst us weeds.


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Tom Harris bemoans the public’s attitude to politicians…

“Mr Oborne echoes the lazy, anti-politics whine we hear so often these days, all based on the absurd notion that politicians were once loved and only fell out of public favour during the expenses scandal. He should take a walk to the Strangers’ Bar. But not to sup with the patrons he seems to despise so much, dearie me, no; he should instead look at the paintings on the corridor outside the bar, which depict the devastating fire which consumed most of the Palace in 1834. And he should reflect on the fact that on that dramatic night, as the Commons went up in flames, a crowd gathered on the South Bank to clap and cheer.”



Harold Macmillan says:

” Evans, dear boy, Evans “


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