December 15th, 2011

Labour Doublespeak

Well this morning’s story about Ed’s departing joker Ayesha has not gone down well in the Labour Press office.  There was already enough kerfuffle trying to get the line straight before this Freudian slip was spun to us on the record, hastily corrected 5 minutes later:

Ayesha herself has also been on to bend Guido’s ear and deny everything. We’re happy to accept both official denials.


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    The spinning is shocking, Campbell must be in tears.


  2. 2
    Gordon Brown says:

    Please can I have my milk?


  3. 4
    Kronos says:

    Toys out of pram time I think.


    • 53
      SpAd says:

      “She’ll still help with PMQs”???

      Er…isn’t she part of the team that continually renders Miliband utterly useless at PMQs?


  4. 6
    Raving Loon says:



  5. 7
    Socialists = Sociopaths says:

    Quick script change and abrupt volte face.

    Hypocrisy and Mendacity – it’s in Liebour’s D-N-A.


  6. 9
    Stop Stealing Our Money says:

    Is she denying pulling Watson off?


  7. 10

    Labour has always been fond of the filthy rich
    Labour has never been friends of the filthy rich
    The Murdoch press has always been an ally of Labour
    The Murdoch press has always been an enemy of Labour.
    Labour have long believed in nationalisation
    Labour have never believed in nationalisation
    Labour has always been the party of eternal pacifists
    Labour has always been the party of armed intervention in foreign countries.

    Labour has never been at war with Eurasia
    Labour has just opened a new front in the long running war with Eurasia



  8. 12
    The Last Quango in Paris says:

    she hasn’t been consoling watson then?


  9. 13
    Anonymous says:

    Where’s the story? She hasn’t got to work for him for ever.

    It’s not like they’re related or anything.


    • 30
      Dr Longdongle says:

      Nope yer right there is no news or interest in anything the Labour party do or say or who they fire or hire they are just so irrelevant to anything the happens anywhere ! thanks for pointing that up annony


    • 52
      david hoo says:

      It’s not like they’re brothers or anything, is what you’re saying.


  10. 15
    BillyBob... says:

    Wtf…… just been a French MEP on Sky News slagging us Brits off for not kowtowing to Merkozy……

    FFS we provide the second largest contribution to the EU. Time to leave methinks :)


    • 42
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      The French have never got over getting the shit kicked out of them at Agincourt. Sarko’s got several squillions of debt to reschedule come Feb. and he’s of the opinion that the UK should pay for it. Cammo actually growing a pair means that the frogs are really pissed with us. I personally feel more secure as normal service has been restored, and am looking forward to France’s next ritual humiliation at Twickers


  11. 16
    zenbadger says:

    Any politician cannot have that much time left when he finds himself blaming young, attractive, witty members of staff for jokes that were made about him by someone else.

    Though sacking her on the grounds that she had seen Watson naked would be entirely justified.


    • 22

      She doesn’t need sacking, she needs laser eye surgery.

      But there is a lesson for all the lads here.
      Instead of going to the gym and working out, or improving your mind by reading great literature and poetry. Or shopping for the latest men’s fashions and male grooming products and perfumes, just sit around and eat a 24 bag, Walkers crisps family maxi pack, every night.

      Seems women just aren’t that fussy.


      • 29
        Loungelizard says:

        Tommy Two Chins has the body of an Olympian God.


        • 44
          Grumpy Old Man says:



        • 47
          classics says:

          Didn’t know there was one called Lardarse.


        • 67
          Engineer says:

          More a Titanic God. (Watch out for that iceberg, Tom…)


        • 70
          MrAngry61 says:

          More like Jabba the Hutt


          • Dr No says:

            Overheard in Singapore:

            Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
            A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

            Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
            A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

            Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
            A: No, not at all Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

            Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
            A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

            Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
            A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

            Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
            A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

            Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
            A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

            Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
            A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

            Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
            A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

            Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
            A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

            Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

            And remember:
            Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”


            For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

            1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

            2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

            3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

            4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

            5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


            Eat and drink what you like.

            Spe*aking English is apparently what kills you.



    • 39
      genghiz the kahn says:

      Mind bleach.

      Perhaps she should be sectioned.


  12. 20
    Loungelizard says:

    That’s it, these are the people I want representing the country at the very highest level in Europe!


  13. 21
    To the ohwiseone.... says:

    It’s nice to have everyone want to bend your ear….. Please be godly.


  14. 23
    George Bernard Shaws Final Solution says:

    We never had babes in our day I tell ya !


  15. 24
    Muuurty's Ghuuurst says:

    It just demonstrates how bad things are that these spastics actually employ someone for writing fucking jokes????

    Fuck me, any vacancies??

    God only knows how many legion of fuckwits are employed at Westminster in similar roles doing sweet fuck all.


  16. 26
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:


  17. 32
    Anonymous says:

    Ok, enough please, we all know how shit Ed is. Can we please get back to examining how fucking useless the Tories are after 18 months in power. They’re actually in a position to do something about all this crap. Ed was, is and forever will be , a political irrelevance.


    • 48
      albacore says:

      Gordon’s persecution complex just hit 11 and is being considered by Huhne as a viable alternative energy resource.


    • 54
      Grumpy Old Man says:

      How quickly could you get to grips with the absolute fucking disaster 13 years of socialist fuck-wittery left you, shackled by a load of bed-wetting orange neo-Malthusians? Labour had 3 terms to screw the UK, the Tories deserve at least 2 terms to rebuild.


  18. 33
    You'd get more laughs from a piece of lettuce says:

    I saw some of her stand-up comedy on Youtube. She’s about as funny as genocide.


    • 36
      chinky bear keeper says:

      as done by the least funny of the marx brothers?

      i say i say i say … Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society.
      Thank you, you’ve been wonderful, try the fish.


  19. 34
    chinky bear keeper says:

    ooooo sack me harder ed … harder deeper wider …. err, was that it?


  20. 37
    Boy Cooper says:

    I’m waiting in the wings biding my time and shall pounce when the time is right. As old Tony used to say “keep your enemies close and your friends closer”.


  21. 40

    Ha! Ha! Fucking ha, Guido!!!

    Try posting Labour Doublespеak here!!!

    Happy Christmas to you and yours and also to Neo!!


  22. 45
    Labours Fucked - Lets keep it that way says:

    Be careful what you wish for we need RedEd in place for the foreseeable.


  23. 57
    smoggie says:

    Does this mean that Ed will be writing his own funnies?


  24. 58
    Keep Ed Miliband as Labour Leader says:

    “Ed thought she was doing a really good job”

    It would be the first time. She was a crap comedienne and a piss-poor press officer at the DTI before that.


  25. 61
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Ex-MPs ordered to repay legal costs of expenses trials
    Former MPs David Chaytor, Elliot Morley and Eric Illsley have been told to repay thousands of pounds in legal costs after their convictions for falsely claiming expenses.

    They were told by a judge at Southwark Crown Court to pay prosecution costs totalling £58,530 and to repay legal aid costs of £66,951.

    All three were sentenced to jail terms for fraudulently claiming expenses.

    They were among six parliamentarians to go to jail for expenses fraud.

    Now readers what the missing round from today’s news story?


    • 72
      Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

      Maggie Moron and Labour.


    • 84
      Pawn Sandwich says:

      Can anyone tell me if they are Labour, because it does not say in the BBC article.


      • 87
        genghiz the kahn says:

        Two updates and still the BEEB cannot mention that they are former Labour MPs.

        15 December 2011 Last updated at 14:41

        Former MPs David Chaytor, Elliot Morley and Eric Illsley have been told to repay thousands of pounds in legal costs after their convictions for fraudulently claiming expenses.

        And the BBC staffers wonder why visiting this site is bad for their souls. The trouble most of them have been sold off to Labour.


  26. 63
    Almanac says:

    My predictions for 2012: Coalition collapses, Cameron calls snap election, Tories win small but working majority, Lib Dems are reduced to a rump, Nick Clegg is replaced as leader by Tim Farron, Ed Miliband is replaced as leader by Ed Balls, Labour plummet even further in the polls.


  27. 65
    Engineer says:

    Well, it is pantomime season.

    “She was sacked!”

    “Oh no she wasn’t!”



    • 77
      Anon Y Mouse says:

      She’s BEHIND you.
      Oh no she isn’t……etc!


    • 79

      How the cat purred and how the witch grinned.
      As they sat on their broomstick and flew through the wind.

      Just be careful where she puts that handle.


    • 82
      Cinders in panto says:

      Tom Watson: Where’s my arse?
      (Audience): Behind you!!

      Tom (red-faced): It’s just like waiting for a bus. You wait for a new Labour leader and then two come along at once. There’ll never be another.

      Exit stage left while skipping and dropping pants. Raucous laughter.


  28. 75
    Anon Y Mouse says:



  29. 78
    Santa Ken says:

    Red Kens Xmas present to London.

    Remember Ken an election is coming and a strike isn’t just for Christmas


  30. 85
    Wot me cynical? says:

    “Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.”


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