December 15th, 2011

Labour Doublespeak

Well this morning’s story about Ed’s departing joker Ayesha has not gone down well in the Labour Press office.  There was already enough kerfuffle trying to get the line straight before this Freudian slip was spun to us on the record, hastily corrected 5 minutes later:

Ayesha herself has also been on to bend Guido’s ear and deny everything. We’re happy to accept both official denials.


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    The spinning is shocking, Campbell must be in tears.

  2. 2
    Gordon Brown says:

    Please can I have my milk?

  3. 3
    Alyingstare Campbell says:

    I don’t do crying. I just do lying.

  4. 4
    Kronos says:

    Toys out of pram time I think.

  5. 5

    Hegelian contradiction, dear boy.

  6. 6
    Raving Loon says:


  7. 7
    Socialists = Sociopaths says:

    Quick script change and abrupt volte face.

    Hypocrisy and Mendacity – it’s in Liebour’s D-N-A.

  8. 8
    Ayesha says:

    I was/was not sacked, I was doing/not doing a good job, and Ed/David Miliband have confirmed/denied that I will/won’t be working for them when they try to get elected/not elected as leader/deputy next January/February/March/April/May/June/July/August/September/October/November/December

  9. 9
    Stop Stealing Our Money says:

    Is she denying pulling Watson off?

  10. 10

    Labour has always been fond of the filthy rich
    Labour has never been friends of the filthy rich
    The Murdoch press has always been an ally of Labour
    The Murdoch press has always been an enemy of Labour.
    Labour have long believed in nationalisation
    Labour have never believed in nationalisation
    Labour has always been the party of eternal pacifists
    Labour has always been the party of armed intervention in foreign countries.

    Labour has never been at war with Eurasia
    Labour has just opened a new front in the long running war with Eurasia


  11. 11
    Anonymous says:

    Guido seems to have got his knickers in a twist due to today’s bye-election. It will be interesting to see how parties are performing compared to the last general election.

  12. 12
    The Last Quango in Paris says:

    she hasn’t been consoling watson then?

  13. 13
    Anonymous says:

    Where’s the story? She hasn’t got to work for him for ever.

    It’s not like they’re related or anything.

  14. 14
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Ed when I said do something about youth unemployment, I didn’t expect you to sack me.

  15. 15
    BillyBob... says:

    Wtf…… just been a French MEP on Sky News slagging us Brits off for not kowtowing to Merkozy……

    FFS we provide the second largest contribution to the EU. Time to leave methinks :)

  16. 16
    zenbadger says:

    Any politician cannot have that much time left when he finds himself blaming young, attractive, witty members of staff for jokes that were made about him by someone else.

    Though sacking her on the grounds that she had seen Watson naked would be entirely justified.

  17. 17
  18. 18
    Some things do need to die says:

    Crying-dying. Lying-surviving.

  19. 19

    That’s the one!

    For Billy, I would earnestly recommend that he gets Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit.

    He won’t understand a word it says (hell, I don’t) but it will keep that door from slamming in the wind.

  20. 20
    Loungelizard says:

    That’s it, these are the people I want representing the country at the very highest level in Europe!

  21. 21
    To the ohwiseone.... says:

    It’s nice to have everyone want to bend your ear….. Please be godly.

  22. 22

    She doesn’t need sacking, she needs laser eye surgery.

    But there is a lesson for all the lads here.
    Instead of going to the gym and working out, or improving your mind by reading great literature and poetry. Or shopping for the latest men’s fashions and male grooming products and perfumes, just sit around and eat a 24 bag, Walkers crisps family maxi pack, every night.

    Seems women just aren’t that fussy.

  23. 23
    George Bernard Shaws Final Solution says:

    We never had babes in our day I tell ya !

  24. 24
    Muuurty's Ghuuurst says:

    It just demonstrates how bad things are that these spastics actually employ someone for writing fucking jokes????

    Fuck me, any vacancies??

    God only knows how many legion of fuckwits are employed at Westminster in similar roles doing sweet fuck all.

  25. 25
    Cell time says:

    Bit too heavy this close to winterval Cat!

  26. 26
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

  27. 27
    void to vacuum says:

    You do talk a lot of eloquent bollocks dear.

  28. 28

    Bill. We are all so proud of you/despise you so much.

    Happy Christmas, sir!

  29. 29
    Loungelizard says:

    Tommy Two Chins has the body of an Olympian God.

  30. 30
    Dr Longdongle says:

    Nope yer right there is no news or interest in anything the Labour party do or say or who they fire or hire they are just so irrelevant to anything the happens anywhere ! thanks for pointing that up annony

  31. 31
    piers moron says:

    With my ears.

  32. 32
    Anonymous says:

    Ok, enough please, we all know how shit Ed is. Can we please get back to examining how fucking useless the Tories are after 18 months in power. They’re actually in a position to do something about all this crap. Ed was, is and forever will be , a political irrelevance.

  33. 33
    You'd get more laughs from a piece of lettuce says:

    I saw some of her stand-up comedy on Youtube. She’s about as funny as genocide.

  34. 34
    chinky bear keeper says:

    ooooo sack me harder ed … harder deeper wider …. err, was that it?

  35. 35
    Ellen Terry says:

    You beast!

  36. 36
    chinky bear keeper says:

    as done by the least funny of the marx brothers?

    i say i say i say … Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society.
    Thank you, you’ve been wonderful, try the fish.

  37. 37
    Boy Cooper says:

    I’m waiting in the wings biding my time and shall pounce when the time is right. As old Tony used to say “keep your enemies close and your friends closer”.

  38. 38
    one lump or two says:

    I well up when watching the Antiques Road Show.

  39. 39
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Mind bleach.

    Perhaps she should be sectioned.

  40. 40

    Ha! Ha! Fucking ha, Guido!!!

    Try posting Labour Doublespеak here!!!

    Happy Christmas to you and yours and also to Neo!!

  41. 41
    Conrad Murray says:

    Please be patient I’ll be round in a minute Gordon.

  42. 42
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    The French have never got over getting the shit kicked out of them at Agincourt. Sarko’s got several squillions of debt to reschedule come Feb. and he’s of the opinion that the UK should pay for it. Cammo actually growing a pair means that the frogs are really pissed with us. I personally feel more secure as normal service has been restored, and am looking forward to France’s next ritual humiliation at Twickers

  43. 43
    mandy's dog whistle says:

    Yep, I’ve heard all these within one news cycle.

  44. 44
    Grumpy Old Man says:


  45. 45
    Labours Fucked - Lets keep it that way says:

    Be careful what you wish for we need RedEd in place for the foreseeable.

  46. 46
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    It’s called rent-seeking. Labour do it best.

  47. 47
    classics says:

    Didn’t know there was one called Lardarse.

  48. 48
    albacore says:

    Gordon’s persecution complex just hit 11 and is being considered by Huhne as a viable alternative energy resource.

  49. 49
    time and motions says:

    Total time taken, one minute 5 seconds.

  50. 50
    Anonymous says:

    Rapist asylum seeker who dumped victim on rubbish tip is released after being TWO hours away from deportation

    Read more:

  51. 51
    Er, but.... says:

    He isn’t right, though. He usually confuses his philosophies.

  52. 52
    david hoo says:

    It’s not like they’re brothers or anything, is what you’re saying.

  53. 53
    SpAd says:

    “She’ll still help with PMQs”???

    Er…isn’t she part of the team that continually renders Miliband utterly useless at PMQs?

  54. 54
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    How quickly could you get to grips with the absolute fucking disaster 13 years of socialist fuck-wittery left you, shackled by a load of bed-wetting orange neo-Malthusians? Labour had 3 terms to screw the UK, the Tories deserve at least 2 terms to rebuild.

  55. 55

    In the 1930’s Charles de Gaulle wrote a history of Napoleon.
    It never mentioned Waterloo.

    It seems Bonaparte conquered Europe and at the height of his powers just decided to pack it all in and go and do some gardening on Saint Helena.

  56. 56
    Tax Payer says:

    Plus 10 minutes of sadistic and gratuitous abuse?

  57. 57
    smoggie says:

    Does this mean that Ed will be writing his own funnies?

  58. 58
    Keep Ed Miliband as Labour Leader says:

    “Ed thought she was doing a really good job”

    It would be the first time. She was a crap comedienne and a piss-poor press officer at the DTI before that.

  59. 59
    smoggie says:

    Don’t give the bugger a gold top – he’ll only flog it at rockbottom prices.

  60. 60

    Why not try some observational comedy, Ed?

    “What’s brown and sticky and smells bad and doesn’t turn up to parliament?”

  61. 61
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Ex-MPs ordered to repay legal costs of expenses trials
    Former MPs David Chaytor, Elliot Morley and Eric Illsley have been told to repay thousands of pounds in legal costs after their convictions for falsely claiming expenses.

    They were told by a judge at Southwark Crown Court to pay prosecution costs totalling £58,530 and to repay legal aid costs of £66,951.

    All three were sentenced to jail terms for fraudulently claiming expenses.

    They were among six parliamentarians to go to jail for expenses fraud.

    Now readers what the missing round from today’s news story?

  62. 62
    Isaiah and Irving Berlin says:

    Er, but.

    Ed’s entire philosophy in two words.

  63. 63
    Almanac says:

    My predictions for 2012: Coalition collapses, Cameron calls snap election, Tories win small but working majority, Lib Dems are reduced to a rump, Nick Clegg is replaced as leader by Tim Farron, Ed Miliband is replaced as leader by Ed Balls, Labour plummet even further in the polls.

  64. 64
    Evil Landlord says:

    pulling him off what ? A chair ?

  65. 65
    Engineer says:

    Well, it is pantomime season.

    “She was sacked!”

    “Oh no she wasn’t!”


  66. 66
    albacore says:

    Ah, the aircraft carrier stratagem explained.

  67. 67
    Engineer says:

    More a Titanic God. (Watch out for that iceberg, Tom…)

  68. 68
    Elsie Beattie (83 and a quarter) says:

    Time for your lie down, dear?

  69. 69
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    High maintenance, low output and easily broken? it’s a natural for Huhne.

  70. 70
    MrAngry61 says:

    More like Jabba the Hutt

  71. 71
    Lord Trombone says:

    Christian Noyer says Britain “has more deficits, as much debt, more inflation and less growth” than France,

    Christian – thanks for your input.

    Do you mind fucking off ?


  72. 72
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Maggie Moron and Labour.

  73. 73
    retardEd Miliband says:

    Don’t be racist!
    :) He is part of my core vote and his many offspring will only increase future Labour majorities.

  74. 74
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Welcome to the land of milk and cunny !

  75. 75
    Anon Y Mouse says:


  76. 76
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Brown’s pork-barreling of Scotland’s class1 listed shipyards is just one small example of socialist fuckwittery the Tories have to contend with.

  77. 77
    Anon Y Mouse says:

    She’s BEHIND you.
    Oh no she isn’t……etc!

  78. 78
    Santa Ken says:

    Red Kens Xmas present to London.

    Remember Ken an election is coming and a strike isn’t just for Christmas

  79. 79

    How the cat purred and how the witch grinned.
    As they sat on their broomstick and flew through the wind.

    Just be careful where she puts that handle.

  80. 80
    Tax Payer says:

    Would Labour pick two clowns in a row? What do you think, Michael and Neil?

  81. 81
    albacore says:

    And haven’t they done a grand job of it?

  82. 82
    Cinders in panto says:

    Tom Watson: Where’s my arse?
    (Audience): Behind you!!

    Tom (red-faced): It’s just like waiting for a bus. You wait for a new Labour leader and then two come along at once. There’ll never be another.

    Exit stage left while skipping and dropping pants. Raucous laughter.

  83. 83
    rocknrolla says:

    Or pulling him off the “all you can eat” buffet table.

  84. 84
    Pawn Sandwich says:

    Can anyone tell me if they are Labour, because it does not say in the BBC article.

  85. 85
    Wot me cynical? says:

    “Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.”

  86. 86
    Dr No says:

    Overheard in Singapore:

    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”


    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


    Eat and drink what you like.

    Spe*aking English is apparently what kills you.


  87. 87
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Two updates and still the BEEB cannot mention that they are former Labour MPs.

    15 December 2011 Last updated at 14:41

    Former MPs David Chaytor, Elliot Morley and Eric Illsley have been told to repay thousands of pounds in legal costs after their convictions for fraudulently claiming expenses.

    And the BBC staffers wonder why visiting this site is bad for their souls. The trouble most of them have been sold off to Labour.

  88. 88
    someone mention France? says:

  89. 89
    DCI Brian Lane, ret. says:

    Winston Churchill is said to have confused Isaiah Berlin with Irving Berlin…

    *(Wife pulls plug on computer)*

  90. 90
    Ayesha Haz-Mats says:

    Beats working for a living.

  91. 91

    Yeah! That is the socialist version of the story …

    Like everything else they say …

  92. 92
    G Brown lover of Prudence says:

    Gweedo you will be laughing on the other side of your face after tonight’s Charlton Heston election result and just in case things don’t go to plan remember, I am the leader over the water. Ready and waiting to serve my country again!

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