November 24th, 2011

Exclusive New Pictures of Hancock and the Sexy Spy Emerge

On the day Guido brings you the news that Mike Hancock is off to his favourite country in the whole wide world, the Indy reports that the lusty LibDem, while on the Defence Select Committee, got lobbyists to bung cash to his assistant. The same one that is facing deportation for spying. And he was sleeping with. A picture of the two having late night West End cocktails has been floating around for a couple of months and today Guido can bring you two more pics, from the same night:

Staring into each others eyes, sipping red cocktails, dreaming of the motherland…


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Is she worthy of totty watch tag?

    • 3

      Systems with emergent properties or emergent structures may appear to defy entropic principles and the second law of thermodynamics, because they form and increase order despite the lack of command and central control. This is possible because open systems can extract information and order out of the environment.

      • 92
        Anonymous says:

        Strikes to cost economy £500 million, Government says
        The public sector pensions strike next week could cost the economy half a billion pounds and lead to job losses, the Government said today.

        • 138
          Sophie says:

          Sarkopolean & Stasi Stooge Merkel to push for Treaty Chages on the 9th of December.

          That is not much time for Euro-sceptic Dave to get a British referendum together.

          And as this will be a fundamental transfer of powersa to the EU_SSR there is no way that rusty would try to stop democracy, would he?

          After fighting with the Mujahadeen in Libya & Afghanistan to impose Sharia compliant democracy in those sandpits surely he could not deny his own people a taste of freedom too?

          • Our Denry says:

            They are not bothered if the UK leaves the EC north sea gas a trickle (ok50%), fishing gone, UK imports coal and coal products, very few pits open now. If Cammers gets on his high horse or throws a strop, France & Germany they will say go on then, leave. The French & Germans own our electricity and water companies so they can milk those for all they are worth. Steel has more and less gone to India. Talk about walking on eggshells

      • 94
        Anonymous says:

        Strikes to cost economy £500 million, Government says
        The public sector pensions strike next week could cost the economy half a billion pounds and lead to job losses, the Government said today.

        The planned walkout on November 30 by over two million workers will lower output in the public and private sectors, said the Treasury.

      • 134
        Puzzled of Sussex says:

        What about all those MPs that are forever going to I srael???
        That seems to be more favourite than GB itself for loads of them.

        • 169
          I'm a Western European and British says:

          Go there for their instructions. Traitorous b######s. The capital and seat of government of this former country no longer at Westminster. It is at the East End. East end of the Mediterranean Sea that is.

    • 7

      Systems with emergent properties or emergent structures may appеar to defy entropic principles and the second law of thermodynamics, because they form and increase order despite the lack of command and central control. This is possible because open systems can extract information and order out of the environment.

    • 13
      Anonymous says:

      Why so long to send her back?

      • 122
        Roger says:

        Because this is Britain.

      • 156
        Maximus says:

        You’re assuming the Russians would not raise any objections. The FSB must be thinking they found somewhere where it’s Xmas every day — one of your agents bringing home the bacon and being paid by the targets to do it. Were I the FSB I would ensure there were objections.

    • 20
      Off Watch says:

      dreaming off?

      You really should cut back on the work experience from the local comprehensive.

    • 21
      Handycock sexual Trougher in Chief says:

      Today’s Times Newspaper P.52. Look we are all at it:
      ‘Astana. Tony Blair met President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan, who has appointed him as a Consultant, reportedly for millions of dollars. Mr Nazarbayev was elected for a third decade in April with 95% of the vote. The poll was criticised by monitors from the Organisation for Security and Co-operation in Europe.’

      • 25
        Handycock sexual Trougher in Chief says:

        I neded to add that I am a Member of that Orgainisation and I specifically did not criticise Kazakhstan nor its democratically elected great President Nazaraybev. Backhander please Tony for the introduction. Boaz.

        • 57
          smoggie says:

          Just come back from Kaz. In the last election there was a genuine contender to the incumbent but he was an ethnic Russian who, like most of the Kazakhs, speaks Russian as his mother tongue. But unlike them he has little knowledge, if any, of Kazakh, a turkic language.

          So the President conveniently introduced a law that Presidential candidates must pass an exam in the Kazakh language, scuppering the Russian’s chances. It would be like asking all candidates for election of the presidency of the Irish Republic to sit an exam in Gaelic.

          Rumours that Nazarbayev would actually be marking the exam papers were entirely unfounded.

          • ex-Tory says:

            Don’t be silly. Kazakhstan is 80% Ethnic Kazakh. Russians are only really a presence in the cities. they were imported back in the Stalin times under racist policies. It would be a bit like passing a law in the UK saying the PM must speak English.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            I wonder what Alex Salmond’s command of Scots Gaelic is like? And would he still spout nonsense in that language, or would he suddenly make sense?

          • Our Denry says:

            Strange that only 2 languages are allowed in the HoC English and wait for it Norman French

      • 27
        Phony B£iar says:

        You betcha! Learned all I know fucking up the UK!


    • 28
      Selohesra says:

      Hancock was snapped with his totty
      Too blurred to tell if she’s a hotty
      But the pervy spy for certain
      Wont try her beef curtains
      Instead he is after her botty

    • 35
      Backstairs Billy Vague says:


    • 45
      Jethro Q. Walrus-Titty says:

      The archetypal D.O.M. Wonder if he ever purchased the tie from Private Eye?

    • 90
      Chalky Lowland says:

      I’d have to say not. She’s got a chin like Jimmy Hill.

    • 125
      Anonymous says:

      Guido, please don’t EVER call her sexy again. She is fucking butt ugly. As in truly, biblically ugly. I doubt she was really a spy, if she was she would have looked like the divine Anna Chapman

  2. 2
    Attila the Huhne says:

    Are you sure that’s a woman? It looks like Ian Gillan.

  3. 4
    On the square says:

    I am pretty sure that it is a photograph of a black cat down a coal mine. Do i win the prize? Boaz

  4. 5
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    They say we get the politicons we deserve, Is anyone suprised that the ferel youth looted parts of London after watching thier elected politicons do the same without comebacks?

  5. 6
    Standards dear Boy, standards says:

    ‘Dreaming off the Motherland’ ???

    • 12
      Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

      I think that it is either “wanking off” or “dreaming of” the motherland.

  6. 8
    Anonymous says:

    If she is guilty, why is she still here? Its months now, could be even over a year.

    • 63
      Grand Master, Grand Lodge, The Strand says:

      Do not interfere with the process of our great British justice. Jahbulon.

  7. 9
    Steve Miliband says:

    Lots of Gordon’s friends seem to be appearing at the LeavingSomeout enquiry. Coincidence?

    Piers, The McC’s, JK Rowling.
    Who’s next Eddie Izzard, Fiona Phillips, Sarah Macauley

  8. 10
    Spartacus says:

    Cor blimee mate
    Stick to the day job
    and no i dont want to see your holiday snaps

  9. 11
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    It’s taken me 25 years to finally come out of the closet.

    I’m not gay, I just like masturbating in confined spaces.

  10. 13
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    Looks like the pictures were taken with a Kodak Instamatic

  11. 15
    cmdocker says:

    Miss Zatuliveter…..Tear down those beef curtains.

  12. 18
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Handy-cock was a Good old fashoined lover boy………

  13. 23
    Handycock - trougher 'n' traitor says:

    Sit on my bell end and tell me that you love me!

    • 54
      Grant says:

      Handy, I want you to bring back a shipment of ‘Charlie’ from Moscow. You will be contacted on Saturday 26 Nov at 04.00PM. Make sure you are free and not shagging at the time. Another villa in it for you, if you pull it off.

  14. 24

    The lower picture is an illustration of how he thinks the saxophone should be held whilst adopting a kneeling position.

  15. 26
    The Sleeper says:

    Jesus, Guido……you’re scraping the barrel with those photos,aren’t you?

    Fuckin’ ‘ell….I’ve got more provocative pictures in my 1950′s Rupert Bear Annuals!!!

    No fuckin’ comments…anyone!

    • 31
      Tiger Lily says:

      Love you long time!

    • 32

      *thinks – Shit – better move mine somewhere else*

    • 34
      Former policeman, Rupert Murdochs Investigation Agent says:

      That is just a taster for starters. We have still photos and movies, twosomes, threesomes, even the dog was involved. After all I followed him for eight years.

    • 145
      Bristol Boy says:

      What we are really waiting for are the pictures from Russia and Rumania. (Handycock in action with girls as young as 14). No wonder the Russians have a hold on him.

      • 157
        smoggie says:

        You can be fucking sure of that. They’ll have the book, the DVD and the TV rights to all of his shenanigans this side of the Curtain.

  16. 36
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:
  17. 39
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  18. 42

    It looks a Fools and horses still.
    del boy and cassandra

    • 51
      Plonker Watch says:

      It certainly does. I hope Guido didn’t part with real wonga for these stills from fools and horses.

  19. 44
    Loungelizard says:

    I see not a penny has been spared on state of the art surveillance kit Nice to see a true professional at work, ex MI6 by any chance?

  20. 47
    smoggie says:

    …dreaming of the motherload, more like.

    They say Russian women have a heart of stone, wrapped in barbed wire. If this bint really had any genuine affection for this grey, hairy oaf then I’m a Bolshevik.

  21. 56
    Taxfodder says:

    Kin’ell Guido mate you must be as desperate for a knock as Handycock.

    Spotty watch more like….

    Poor girl prollky downing as many sherbets as poss before the lardy old perv jumps her bones.

  22. 58
    Investigative Blogger says:

    The properties tab identifies these photographs as Spy1 and Spy2. So it must be true.

    How come Guido has succeeded where MI6 failed?

  23. 62
    stuart says:

    Odious little bastard is our MP. Sadly he is well liked by most locals,says a lot doesn’t it for Portsmouth South. Me thinks it’s time to move. Oddly emough the local rag rarely prints anything negative about this creep, might be because LibDem council pays them hundreds of thousands of pounds a year in advertising and such. More often than not the comments feature on their website moderates all negative remarks made about this slimeball.

    • 72
      Councillor Mike Handycock CBE, Head of Planning, Portsmouth City Council says:

      The Portsmouth News is a great Newspaper. It must be, it prints everything I tell it to and nothing that criticises me. If it didn’t, I personally would put a stop to the £750,000 a year Portsmouth City Council pays it for advertising. Jahbulon.

      • 81
        Portsmouth City Council is the Most Corrupt Council in the UK. says:

        Robert Mugabe. Keep it up boys, especially in planning, with Handy’s boys, the ‘Portsmouth Businessmen.’ I am proud of you all, we have a lot to learn from you here in Harare. Could Councillor Handycock MP, come over and give us some advice. Plenty of young girls will be made available of course.

    • 74
      Taxfodder says:

      An inquiry into this type of back scratching would be more beneficial rather than the press phone fest hacking circus currently on offer.

    • 140
      Appalled Constituent says:

      Yes stuart – just remember the outcry about the ‘Duck House’ and campaign run by the NEWS against Peter Viggers MP – and he didn’t even get the money. Very strange that the NEWS has said nothing at all about the appalling behaviour of our own ‘Honourable Member’. They must know which side their bread is buttered – and very wary of direct retribution from Handy’s boys.

  24. 65
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:
    I say again…Four minutes to midnight!
    Russia Retaliates Against US: Puts Radar Station On Combat Alert, Prepares To Take Out European Miss
    Earlier today, we presented the latest developments in the escalating possibility of an imminent air (and potentially land) campaign targeting Syria by the “western world”, a move that would infuriate not only Iran, but also Russia and China, both of which have made it clear they would not sit idly

  25. 68
    The Spy who loved me says:

    All I can say is that Ekaterina Zatuliveter must really blove her motherland to put up with shagging that beardy perv. She deserves a state Dacha, a pension and a medal.

  26. 69
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Activate the stat bot!!!

  27. 70
    under cover says:

    How come they didn’t spot you Guido, did you go in disguise?

  28. 71
    Our Denry says:

    Ok, where is the Russian naval attache in all this.
    Oh ell CUP 36

  29. 77
    Katia says:

    He had very small cockski.

  30. 80
    Handycock texts Guido says:

    Gimme a chance, prince. I kno I can mak u happy

  31. 82
    Piss Moron says:

    I can’t attend Leveson. I’m busy.

  32. 91
    albacore says:

    What cynics you all are.
    Romeo and Juliet had nothing on these two.
    In any case, who needs spies? With Dave in charge of borders and defence, they could sneak the entire Chinese army in on hooky student visas without a cross word being spoken.

  33. 93
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:
  34. 95
    Uncle Monty says:

    Lucky girl – did she put rohypnol in his drink to bag such a trophy?

  35. 96
    Michael T. Hancock, veteran lothario says:

    Oh FFS it’s just a pic of a bird and a bloke chatting over a libation. Happens all the time, especially once they find out I’m an MP, which is all a sorry sack o’ shite like me has going for him. I thought you had the goods on me this time, Guido. Boaz.

    • 108
      Engineer says:

      I have a vague suspicion that I’m going to regret asking this, but what the hell is a ‘Boaz’?

      • 113
        Tinfoil alert says:

        It’s a Freemason term. Someone’s obsessed with the notion that Handy’s a Freemason. For a supposedly all powerful and sinister group, it’s strange we know so much about his deeds and is getting routinely mocked for them.

        • 118
          Engineer says:


          I’ve never really regarded the Freemasons as particularly sinister. The ones I know are all thoroughly decent blokes.

          • That’s what they want you to think.
            In reality many of them are vampires.

          • The Paragnostic says:

            You’ve never seen them when they turn into Rothschild lizards, then? It really is amazing what some people are prepared to believe, isn’t it?

          • bergen says:

            I don’t think that they’re the force they were but 25 years ago I worked for a large organisation at the start of my career and it was only after the local evening rag printed the names of prominent local masons was I able to understand how the office operated.

            My old dad told me never to join them (and I never did).

          • Most vampires are thoroughly decent blokes. I’m a sucker for them, myself.

      • 135
        Grand Inspector General, 33rd degree Royal Arch Masons says:

        It is one of our secret words of recognition for the secret handshake of an Enetered Apprentice. ‘Jahbulon’ is one of our secret words for the Supreme Being, the Great Architect of the Universe, never to be spoken. Hiram Abiff is the ‘widow’s son’ who was the Architect of King Solomon’s Temple . Brother Handycock is one of our members. Boaz.

        • 154
          Tachybaptus says:

          And Boaz is one of the two pillars of the Temple — the other one is Jachin. According to the Freemasons, the pillars were hollow and filled with texts giving the secret of absolutely everything.

        • 165
          Grand Master, Grand Lodge, The Strand says:

          Many people in the public eye, join the Freemasons for protection, Judges, Politicians etc. Normally they have sexual pervrsions. there is nothing we can do to stop this, because we do not know about it. Just google ‘Masonic Paedophiles’ to see what we are up against. The remainder are generally decent citizens who are just trying to get an edge in life or business, through membership. The word Boaz is both the word for a secret handshake and the left hand pillar at the entrance to King Solomon’s Temple. Jahbulon.

    • 129
      Ronald Kray says:

      In my day I’d’a ‘ad the goods on ya, ya bleedin’ perv spy, but for a nominal consideration, of course, me an’ me bruvva Reg coulda sorted out Guido for ya, if ya catch me drift, Guv.

  36. 106
    Mike Handycapcock says:

    Looks like I am going to have to perv over young, vulnerable women with mental impairments.

  37. 114
    Agent agent says:

    But what if she is a double agent and is spying on Hancock for the British?

  38. 120
    The Huhney Monster Strikes Back says:

    Don’t forget Chris Huhne’s on Question Time tonight. :-D

  39. 121
    Cynic says:

    Love is divine
    But Liqour
    Is Quicker

  40. 123
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m available for speeches.

  41. 126
    Gordon Brown says:

    My wife BK Flaming is appearing at the Levy in her Chevy enquiry. She is minted after the success of her adult humour books entitled ‘Beyond the Crash; Overcoming the first crisis of Potter’

  42. 127
    Anonymous says:

    Please don’t ever call her sexy again. She is butt ugly. Biblically ugly. She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch etc.

    Sexy spy = Anna Chapman

    Ugly stuff that nightmares are made of = Katia Zatuliveter

  43. 133
  44. 142
    Anonymous says:

    Cameron is still a traitor.

  45. 164
    Ian says:

    So his assistant is an Azerbaijan/Russian agent. What a mucky part of the world SHE comes from. Lord Simon of Highbury admitted after the Azerbaijar oil war against Armenia, that his executives had been financing the war behind his back. At the time he was chairman of BP – he left to become a Labour bigwig. Under Blair’s premiership BP was always swapping senior staff with No 10. And BP is now very big in Iraq – with Libya soon to follow.

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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