November 8th, 2011

A Comedy Treat

Guido has a bottle of the finest from the nice people at Glenfiddich to give to last week’s caption contest winner. Nothing really tickled him though, so instead the prize is going to the commenter “Selohesra” who has recently taken up limerick writing. Here’s a selection of some of the cleaner ones:

There once was an MP called Chuka
Whose left wing credentials weren’t Pukka
Privileged and greedy
With tax planning quite seedy
Lets hope he ends up in the gutter

There once was a PM called Thatcher
There are scarcely any could match her
Churchill was one
Before my days begun
So for me its the union dispatcher

A deputy PM called Nick
Came across as a little bit thick
As was plain to be seen
On the €uro he was keen
The tosser, the loser, the pr*ck

An ex PM from Kirkcaldy
Whose grip on reality was shoddy
Claimed his name was not Brown
That he lived in toytown
And henceforth had to be called Noddy

Well Guido laughed, so congratulations…


160 Comments

  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! (Episode six, the Umpire strikes back) also in Cunt3DHDTV says:

    Congratulations to winner.

    Tis always next time :-)

    Like

  2. 2
    Polly Twintub says:

    Rape! Rape! Anyone who doesn’t like me is a rapist!

    Like

  3. 5
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    This made me titter:
    “A staff member reportedly explained that the headphones to go with the translation sets were not yet being handed out because this would have allowed journalists to listen in on the private conversation still going on. Half a dozen journalists immediately plugged in their own headphones and caught three minutes of the private exchange”

    Like

    • 26
      AC1 says:

      Crumbs, it’s like they really wanted that to happen…

      Like

    • 31
      Nikos Sarkybarsty says:

      “I zinc zat ze rosbeefs will give us ze euros we asked. I ‘ope zat zis will be enough to bail out ze French and German banks. Zen we can allow ze Greeks to fold. Ze IMF will be owed ze money, not our banks..
      I was a bit worried about Dave..but he’s onside now..I told ‘im zat if he doesn’t pay up..no more money for high speed rail..Hahaha..ze fool doesn’t seem to realise zat its his own money…ze money he gives to us, with ze little haircut, given back to ‘im..
      How you say Merkel..he is a Dumpfkopf!?

      ” I call him UPS. You know you can count on him to deliver..”

      “Hello..iz zat ze someone listening in…?”

      Like

  4. 6
    Billy Bowden is the world's greatest umpire! says:

    Frankie sacked from X Factor because of alleged line problems.

    Doesn’t specify whether he is having trouble learning them or snorting them.

    Like

  5. 7
    Anonymous says:

    That’s worth more than a bottle of Glenfiddich !!

    I think that deserves a bottle of Lagavulin, at the very least…

    Like

  6. 7
    Ah! Monika says:

    BREAKING NEWS!!

    To save the economy, on November 26, 2011, Cameron will announce that he is ordering the UK Borders Agency to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and healthcare costs in the UK as a whole (including the Channel Isles & Isle of Man).

    Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

    Like

    • 10
      Teresa May-Doing G_d's Work says:

      You vile anti-semitic racist nazi cocksucker schmuck.

      Like

    • 56
      Tessa Tickles says:

      I thought his plan was to cut-off all assistance to the elderly, so they die-off this winter.

      “I’d like to maintain care for the elderly,” said Dave, “but we have no money, even for people who paid tax all their lives. I am sorry they will have to die,” he protested, as he committed his government to spending £34billion on the HS2 rail link that no one wants, £13.3billion on EU membership and £11billion on foreign aid to countries with nuclear arsenals and space-programmes. And another £40billion to the IMF, to bail out the euro.

      “It’s not my fault we have to make these austerity cuts,” Dave added.

      Like

      • 68
        AC1 says:

        Haha! Global Warming to the rescue!!

        What do you mean there’s been none for a decade, this is a computer modelled fact, it cant be wrong?!?

        Like

    • 131
      Adlof Hilter says:

      JESUS H CHRIST why didn’t i think of that !! ich bin eine arsche !

      Like

  7. 9
    Rat's arse says:

    Never mind Billy – tomorrow is another day. :)
    Congrats to selohesra [arseh*les spelt backwards]. Well deserved.

    Like

  8. 11
    School for scoundrels says:

    There was a PM name of Blair
    who made the world fraught and unfair
    while he twisted and connived
    hundreds of thousands just died
    and now he’s a multi fucking millionare.

    Like

  9. 13
    Loungelizard says:

    Tight fisted blogger attempts to pass off wife’s urine sample as bottle of Glenfiddich as prize in caption contest.

    Like

  10. 14
    Number 10's cat says:

    If it’s Limericks he’s writing, wouldn’t a bottle of Jameson be more apposite.

    Like

  11. 15
    A bloke of a certain age says:

    There once was a blogger named Guido
    Who wouldnt allow the word p***o
    Though lizards were fine
    And Bilderberg crimes
    And jokes about Huhne and his speedo

    Like

    • 29
      I don't get it says:

      But, p***o isn’t spelt p e a…?

      Like

    • 33
      Anonymous says:

      Blimey, one that scans properly (although ‘although’ would be better than ‘though.’) Most of the attempts here are shite in that regard – so are the ones that got the prize. Try Robert Conquest if you want to see how it’s done:

      There was an old Marxist called Lenin,
      Who did one or two million men in.
      That’s a lot to have done in,
      But where he did one in,
      That old Marxist Stalin did ten in.

      Like

      • 42

        ‘Where he did”ONLY” one in’ makes it a 7/7 scan.

        Like

        • 88
          Scanner to The Queen says:

          You are quite correct Bill, the “in” at the end of lines 3 &4 should not be there and the limerick should read

          There was an old Marxist called Lenin,
          Who did one or two million men in.
          That’s a lot to have done
          But where he did one
          That old Marxist Stalin did ten in.

          Like

          • Anonymous says:

            A youn lady from the Azores
            Had a minge that was covered in sores
            The dogs in the street
            Snapped at the green meat
            That hung in festoons from her draws

            Like

      • 49
        Rick Limerfuck says:

        The golden rule for this purest form of poetry is:
        First line – 9 syllables
        Second – 9 ”
        Third – 5/6 ”
        Forth – 5/6 ”
        Fifth – 9 ”

        Example:

        There woz a right blogger named Guido
        Whose posts he enticed us to read . Oh !
        His plan come unstuck
        When the people sez , fuck !
        How much of this crap does we need-o ??

        With apologies to Euripedes.

        Like

        • 58
          American Pie says:

          When are you going to apologise to the rest of us?

          Like

          • Homer says:

            There was a kind curate of Kew
            Who kept a large cat in a pew.
            He taught it each week
            A new letter of Greek;
            But it never got further than mu.

            Like

          • Rick Limerfuck says:

            American Pie left a posting.
            He speaks on behalf of those hosting
            This wonderful blog
            That sees through the fog
            Of those c unts we are hating the mosting.

            Like

          • Anonymous says:

            There once was an old man from Kent
            Whos todger was whithered and bent
            To save time and trouble
            He put it in double
            But instead of cumming he went

            Like

          • Anonymous says:

            There was a young girl from Greens Norton
            Who had one long tit and one short un
            But to make up for that
            She had a huge twat
            And could fart like a 500 Norton

            Like

          • Just finishing this fag says:

            lol @ 7.19

            Like

        • 87
          Audemus Dicere says:

          So, by Rick’s calculation this (oft quoted by my late father) should be perfect, although probably not allowed in these multiculti days…

          There was a young man from Darjeeling (9)
          Who got onto a ‘bus at Ealing (9)
          The sign on the door said (6)
          “Don’t spit on the floor”, so (6)
          He stood up and spat on the ceiling. (9)

          Like

          • Or this ... says:

            There was a young lady from Ealing
            Who had a peculiar feeling
            She lay on her back
            And opened her crack
            Then piddled all over the ceiling

            Like

      • 83
        A Rapper says:

        Your wrong about “although” scanning better than “though”. To fit in “although “you have introduce a syncopated rhythm dropping a half beat on the second line which although entirely possible , differs from the original and natural cadance of the limerick.

        Like

        • 85
          A Rapper says:

          Should have read introducing a half beat to the start of the third line

          Like

          • Tachybaptus says:

            It isn’t just about counting syllables, it’s about counting stresses. You can add one or two unstressed syllables to the end of any line, and one unstressed syllable at the beginning. As an example of the first, the fine limerick that someone put up a few days ago:

            There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
            Who buggered young boys when confirming ‘em.
            To roars of applause
            He tore down their drawers
            And pumped the episcopal sperm in ‘em.

            As an example of the second, a home-made one:

            On a warm sandy beach in Belize
            Lord Prescott was taking his ease,
            With a trayful of pies
            And a bucket of fries,
            And his belly hung down to his knees.

            Like

          • Editors choice says:

            No no no it would read far better thus

            There once was a Bishop from Brum’
            Who buggered young boys up the bum
            To roars of applause
            He tore down their drawers
            And pumped the episcopal cum

            Like

          • Tachybaptus says:

            Do you think it’s one of those self-abbreviating limericks like

            There was a young curate of Salisbury
            Whose conduct was quite halisbury-scalisbury.
            He ran about Hampshire
            Without any pampshire
            Till his bishop compelled him to walisbury.

            (For the unenlightened, the abbreviations are Sarum and Hants.)

            Like

    • 44
      Filthy Lucre says:

      I dont know why not AC1. Mo’hamed was exactly that.

      Like

    • 45
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      More to do with it rhyming with guido I’d have thought.

      A meme/adhd blurt of “spedo shorts”

      Like

    • 47
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      More like it rhymes with guido.

      A meme/ADHD blurt from someone who’s very name sends posts to the bin.

      Like

  12. 25
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    There is a lot of moderating going on today

    Like

  13. 32
    Selohesra says:

    The dirty unwashed at St Paul’s
    Kept up their lunatic calls
    Higher taxes for City workers
    To fund benefits for shirkers
    They use the same script as Ed Balls

    Like

    • 73
      Rat's arse says:

      Like it!

      Like

    • 111
      Ooops...can't wait for the BBC to go into rant mode says:

      Classic line from Cameron before Liason Commitee a few minutes ago when asked by Sir Alan Beith if the St Paul’s Protesters were part of his,Cameron’s,Big Society..

      “Look I’ve always believed in people’s right to peaceful protest but I rather think it should be done on two legs and not in a tent usually in a comatose position….”

      Like

  14. 34
    Jimmy says:

    Rich’n’Mark meet McGonagall.

    Like

  15. 35
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Hear, hear. A worthy winner.

    Like

  16. 38

    Passport please?

    I showed it to the trolley guy … at the airport in Lagos..I think he was called Shemang or Shegun or something? He had ear defenders on and everything.

    Very good sir..welcome to Britain.

    Like

  17. 46

    A windowlicker oddly called Selohesra
    Created limericks that no one could besta
    Not being a nebbish
    He won the Glenfiddich
    But previous winners got rather lessa.

    Like

    • 74
      Ewanme says:

      Intrigued by Schrödinger’s pseudonym ,
      Plugged in the compooter an Googled ‘im .
      The whole Quantum Theory
      I finds rather dreary
      Soo , went to some site an then bashed my quim .

      E x .

      Like

      • 86
        Anonymous says:

        There was an old slag called Ewanme
        Who was incredibly tedious

        Like

      • 91

        Delightful.

        It becomes so much more interesting when you can travel in more than one dimension of time. My belief is that one of these actually goes backwards to what we experience. What would you not give in order to go back and do something really nice that you have done again. Or perhaps, go back and reverse something you did that did not work out so well.

        One very important warning though:
        Don’t go back in time and kill your grandfather!

        Like

    • 97
      Quantum Poetry corner says:

      The mussings of Einstein and Bhor
      Inspired Erwin Schrodinger more
      To place in a box
      A cat not a fox
      Both dead and alive on the floor

      Like

      • 114

        Of the Copenhagen interpretation, perhaps,
        The many-worlds view can collapse.
        A superposition wangle
        Could then unentangle
        And wind up in objective collapse.

        Like

        • 122

          OK, that decoherence one was from the dead cat, this is the other Verschränkung interpretation:

          Of the Copenhagen interpretation, perhaps,
          The many-worlds view can prolapse.
          A superposition wangle
          Could then unentangle
          And wind up in objective collapse.

          Like

          • Quantum Poetry Corner says:

            Though Einstein was not so impressed
            T’was Aspect who put to the test
            Those photons in pairs
            Entangled affairs
            And Bells inequality rests

            Like

          • Audemus Dicere says:

            Darn! QPS got in first with his reference to Aspect. Here’s another:

            A young Frenchman called Alain Aspect
            Sought to prove ‘spooky’ cause and effect
            An experiment he made
            With entanglement he played
            And classical physics he wrecked.

            Like

          • Audemus Dicere says:

            QPS? I meant QPC of course!

            Like

        • 136
          Audemus Dicere says:

          Albert says, “God, He does not play dice”
          “With the Universe. That wouldn’t be nice.”
          “You would have to reject,”
          “Laws of cause and effect.”
          “Erwin’s cat should just stick to his mice”

          Like

  18. 50
    Poet Laureate says:

    Pukka doesn’t rhyme with gutter. End of.

    Like

  19. 51
    Selohesra says:

    A Tory called Jonathan Djangoly
    Had balls remarkably dangly
    Instead of talc he used glitter
    To pamper his shitter
    Now his pubes are all festive and spangly

    Like

  20. 54
    carry on up william hague says:

    There once was a tosser called billy
    who at this time of year felt his booth to be chilly
    he tried an extra sweater
    sadly this didnt make better
    So he passed the day fapping away with his willy

    Like

  21. 57
    The Young Bloke From Nantucket says:

    There’s too many posters named Billy
    And some are exceedingly silly
    Guido said,”Yes, I know;
    So I must proceed slow,
    I don’t give out the booze willy-nilly”

    Like

  22. 67
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Selohesra is really Pam Ayres. I claim the bottle of Glenfiddich.

    Like

    • 104
      There once was a girl from nantucket says:

      Dont think so Miss Ayres signature was to construct her verses so you thought the last line would end with the word “fuck”, but of course it never did.

      Like

  23. 69
    Airey Belvoir says:

    The embattled Home Sec, Mrs May
    Is rapidly going (more) grey
    As some twats on our Borders
    Have embellished her orders
    And invited the whole world to stay.

    Like

  24. 71
    Limp Dumbs says:

    There once was an MP called Oaten
    Among Lib Dems his name is verboten
    All politicians I admit
    Are full of shit
    But for Mark a truer word has never been spoken

    Like

  25. 72
    Issy Troughing MP says:

    Well done, selohesra. You do realise that the prize is a picture of a bottle of Scotch. Guido doesn’t give these things away lightly.

    Like

  26. 74
    Idle says:

    Not one of them scans correctly. I can do better. Set a proper limerick compo and judge it strictly on rhyme, metre and wit.
    Yr old mate idle

    Like

    • 98
      carry on up william hague says:

      You arrogant banker!
      Here is a challenge incorporate the word “facile”

      Like

      • 118
        Selohesra says:

        The challenge to incorporate facile
        Made me stop & think for a while
        My mind went quite blank
        So I stopped for a wank
        And produced this in Limerick style

        Like

  27. 77
    Cassius says:

    A overpaid Lefty called Polly
    Clung on to her Tuscan folly
    Despite all the facts
    She begged for more tax
    Until Papa blew up all her lolly

    Like

  28. 79
    Limp Dumbs says:

    There once was a woman called Macauley
    Who took part in a fake love story
    Her hubby’s called Brown
    His face is a frown
    And he likes all the guys in Kirkcaldy

    Like

    • 117
      A bloke of a certain age says:

      I once read a twitter from Sarah
      Who thought such a tactic would pay her
      To name drop and boast
      Her husbands now toast
      Her twatting is now so much rarer

      Like

  29. 80
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! (Episode six, the Umpire strikes back) also in Cunt3DHDTV says:

    Like

    • 82
      What it should say says:

      Sports Minister Hugh Robertson writes to FIFA and says the squad will wear their poppies with pride and, if you don’t like it, stick it where the sun don’t shine.

      Like

  30. 81
    Engineer says:

    A jug-eared journo called Marr
    Thought his mistress was better by far.
    But it turned out the sprog
    Was a third party job;
    Seems she’d done more Miles than a car.

    Like

  31. 84
    annomymous says:

    I was this } { close to winning, ( any one got a propofol opener Pes’h )

    Like

  32. 96
    Verdict on Conrad Murray says:

    He’s bad and dangerous.

    Like

  33. 99
    Audemus Dicere says:

    The Member for Pompey named Hancock
    Was known to give young girls a bad shock
    When heard to say, “Princess,”
    Why don’t you just undress,
    And join my friends in Vladivostok?”

    Like

  34. 102
    Anonymous says:

    There once was a fat tramp called Draper
    who was full of nothing but vapour
    He thought he was resilient
    Absolutely totally brilliant
    Though that’s not what we read in the paper

    Like

  35. 106
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Oh Dear

    7 Down Stuff Guido would rather ignore

    1. May
    2. Damien “The Mole” Green gone into hiding
    3. Hacking…it’s getting closer to No 10…ohhh yes it is !!!
    4. Private Spies… Often wondered where you get your so called scoops from Guido

    5. Gidders in Tax spat
    6. Has Nick Boles emigrated, he was like cow s*hit in a field a few weeks ago
    7. Where’s Waris…The hunt continues

    Like

  36. 108
    Hee hee says:

    There once was a doctor called Murray
    Who wanted to make a buck in a hurry
    He’s a slimy shit
    Medically unfit
    So I’ve hired him to look after Jack Dromey

    Like

  37. 109
    Loungelizard says:

    Just to go back to the Draper post. ‘Sit in on Labour economic policy meetings’ How that work? Bit of a non starter, what economic policies

    Like

  38. 110
    nell says:

    poor old London – tented encampments in parliament square and in front of the cathedral and now another student rabble rally with the police threatening this time to use rubber bullets if it gets out of hand. Though why they can’t use water cannon instead, especially on a nice cold day like tomorrow is supposed to be, I don’t know.

    It might once have been a top tourist destination – not for much longer!

    Like

  39. 115
    Leroy says:

    Yo blud. Da stoodant protezt be tomorrow, yer get me? I is taking orderz now, bruv. Tell me what u want and me and me crew will get dem for u. We can only gets a limited numba of treeD plazma TVs, yer get me? First com first served, blud. And me not want any complaintz if me get u an LG TV. You get what I gives you. No garantee me can get u a Sonee or a Panafonikz TV. Brrrrrap!

    Like

  40. 119
    Leroy says:

    Yo blud. Da stoodant protezt be tomorrow, yer get me? I is taking orderz now, bruv. Tell me what u want and me and me crew will get dem for u. We can only gets a limited numba of treeD plazma TVs, yer get me? First com first served, blud. And me not want any complaintz if me get u an LG TV. You get what I gives you. No garantee me can get u a Sonee or a Panafonikz. Brrrrrap!

    Like

  41. 121
    nell says:

    Congrats by the way to selohesra – absolutely no good at limericks.

    Couldn’t we have something with a bit more class like a Haiku which traditionally has 3 syllable lines of 5 7 5 or 5 7 6
    eg
    The Euro is crashing
    Berlusconni is going
    Watch Cameron decline.

    Like

  42. 127
    The Young Bloke From Nantucket says:

    At PMQ Dave takes a hammerin’
    Which flusters our old Mr. Cameron
    In response to some calls
    Shadow Chancellor Balls
    Said, I think I can help with his stammerin’

    Like

  43. 129

    The whole is not more than the sum of its parts in the Nash Equilibrium.

    Like

  44. 157
    graham smith says:

    these are mere limerickial failures
    which would turn a real limericker sick

    and to see them so heartily hailed as
    needs to be remedied quick

    their adjective incompetence
    their dyfunctional nonsense

    makes the judge a glenfiddich soaked prick

    Like

  45. 158
    Todd Wells says:

    A shifty politician called Balls
    Considered the electorate a bunch of fools
    He advocated massive debt
    So Gordon’s spending could be met
    Resulting in his Governments fall

    Like

  46. 160
    Chuka Umunna says:

    “People compare me to Barack Obama, but I’m not Barack Obama” – Chuka Umunna in a Channel 4 showcase of Labour PPCs, just before I vomited all over my television.

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

Blinkered BBC is Ripe for Reform | David Keighley
Calls for Bercow to Face Inquiry | Mail
Labour Mad to Fight Tories on Tax | Dan Hodges
Right to be Forgotten is a Disaster | Padraig Reidy
Dave Could Be Finished Before 50 | James Forsyth
Why Do Politicians Keep Getting Caught on Tape? | BBC
Ed Guru: It’s Good to Tax the Dead | Mail
Dave Must Get Serious or He Will Lose | Tim Montgomerie
Polling Averages Trend | PoliticalBetting.com
Speaker Faces Questions Over Pass for Donor | Sun
Tory MPs’ Visit to Israel Condemned | Guardian


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John McTernan told Channel 4 News

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, you don’t win in politics without breaking legs.”



Rob Wilson says:

Without Predujice

Darling

What time will dinner be ready this evening?

Yours

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In the interests of me I am placing a copy of this email in the public domain.


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