A Comedy Treat
Guido has a bottle of the finest from the nice people at Glenfiddich to give to last week’s caption contest winner. Nothing really tickled him though, so instead the prize is going to the commenter “Selohesra” who has recently taken up limerick writing. Here’s a selection of some of the cleaner ones:
There once was an MP called Chuka
Whose left wing credentials weren’t Pukka
Privileged and greedy
With tax planning quite seedy
Lets hope he ends up in the gutterThere once was a PM called Thatcher
There are scarcely any could match her
Churchill was one
Before my days begun
So for me its the union dispatcherA deputy PM called Nick
Came across as a little bit thick
As was plain to be seen
On the €uro he was keen
The tosser, the loser, the pr*ckAn ex PM from Kirkcaldy
Whose grip on reality was shoddy
Claimed his name was not Brown
That he lived in toytown
And henceforth had to be called Noddy
Well Guido laughed, so congratulations…
Congratulations to winner.
Tis always next time
Deserved
Liar!
“Reports are coming in regarding student demonstrations in London tomorrow, Wednesday 9 November. Most parts of central London will be affected.”
??
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2058726/Police-right-rubber-bullets-Wednesdays-student-protests-London.html
At your disposal, hollow point ammunition, now Legal
I fink Ill like smaSh up a wor memoriul of sumfing.
Guido – unilaterally changing the rules after closing the round JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE THE ANSWER.
You are either a pro-Euro politician or Simon Cowell
Neither is good
And you claim your five pounds ?
There once was a pe do called Billy
Whose comments were always very silly
He claimed he was bent
In fact he really meant
he played in a booth with his willy
In a backwards sort of way not bad…..
At the G20 cutting a dash
Cameron tried to look flash
Merckle and Sarcosy
Think the c**nts dozy
To give away taxpayers cash
The public are down in their knees
But Cameron has Brussels to please
He sucks up to them
Though he‘s Britain’s PM
Why do we elect arseholes like these
Please, stop it.
I think anonymong & last try are a real pair if sicko/saddos. They probably live on their own, eat a boil in the bag for one and wAnk over a picture of Diana. More to be pitied than scolded me thinks. Poor sods.
My little ditty was deleted 3 times – not sure why it is not permissible to mock Billy on this site unless Billy is in fact an employee of the site.
Dave don’t you hear what were saying
Here’s the cause of these immigrants staying
They think “Dont be a burke
Why the fuck should we work
When the benefit system keeps paying
This’ll make you all laugh
http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/wall-streets-resurgent-prosperity-frustrates-its-claims-and-obamas/2011/10/25/gIQAKPIosM_story.html?hpid=z1
I think Guido will like this one.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/eu/8871973/The-Euro-elite-are-totally-out-of-touch-with-the-modern-world.html
Good thinking, Guido, let’s have more of these…
No – never, ever encourage limericks.
There once was an umpire called Billy
Whos spelling was often quite silly
He spent all his day
Just posting away
And playing around with his willy
Rape! Rape! Anyone who doesn’t like me is a rapist!
‘just roll over that plain four’
i will aim for the wet spot !
This made me titter:
“A staff member reportedly explained that the headphones to go with the translation sets were not yet being handed out because this would have allowed journalists to listen in on the private conversation still going on. Half a dozen journalists immediately plugged in their own headphones and caught three minutes of the private exchange”
Crumbs, it’s like they really wanted that to happen…
“I zinc zat ze rosbeefs will give us ze euros we asked. I ‘ope zat zis will be enough to bail out ze French and German banks. Zen we can allow ze Greeks to fold. Ze IMF will be owed ze money, not our banks..
I was a bit worried about Dave..but he’s onside now..I told ‘im zat if he doesn’t pay up..no more money for high speed rail..Hahaha..ze fool doesn’t seem to realise zat its his own money…ze money he gives to us, with ze little haircut, given back to ‘im..
How you say Merkel..he is a Dumpfkopf!?
” I call him UPS. You know you can count on him to deliver..”
“Hello..iz zat ze someone listening in…?”
You’d never catch me out….like that,….eh Sue ??
Frankie sacked from X Factor because of alleged line problems.
Doesn’t specify whether he is having trouble learning them or snorting them.
He got his marching dust errr I mean orders
Can I help ?
Absolutely no idea what that is.
That’s worth more than a bottle of Glenfiddich !!
I think that deserves a bottle of Lagavulin, at the very least…
Lochnagar ?
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy, on November 26, 2011, Cameron will announce that he is ordering the UK Borders Agency to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and healthcare costs in the UK as a whole (including the Channel Isles & Isle of Man).
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!
You vile anti-semitic racist nazi cocksucker schmuck.
I thought his plan was to cut-off all assistance to the elderly, so they die-off this winter.
“I’d like to maintain care for the elderly,” said Dave, “but we have no money, even for people who paid tax all their lives. I am sorry they will have to die,” he protested, as he committed his government to spending £34billion on the HS2 rail link that no one wants, £13.3billion on EU membership and £11billion on foreign aid to countries with nuclear arsenals and space-programmes. And another £40billion to the IMF, to bail out the euro.
“It’s not my fault we have to make these austerity cuts,” Dave added.
Haha! Global Warming to the rescue!!
What do you mean there’s been none for a decade, this is a computer modelled fact, it cant be wrong?!?
I think what you mean is that it’s a ” uea computer manipulated ‘fact’.”
JESUS H CHRIST why didn’t i think of that !! ich bin eine arsche !
Never mind Billy – tomorrow is another day.
Congrats to selohesra [arseh*les spelt backwards]. Well deserved.
Its only a bit of fun, tho i thought i had nailed as normal
Wonder what odds i am to win the capion contest? any know a bookie?
you are just not funny
Be fair, he had a good stab last week.
I thought this was the best.
http://order-order.com/2011/11/04/friday-caption-contest-digital-engagement-edition/#comment-1124967
up bournville avenue
Neither are you anonymong.
This Nigerian ‘security’ guard is really getting off on his
own brand of ME !!!!
Next you’ll tell us there is a real Billy Bowden and that he is a real umpire.
Thank you for the clarification, dear. In my advanced state of dementia, I had selohesra down as the Greek God of Wind.
Sorry for being patronising Elsie – didn’t mean to be – honest! To my eternal shame, I only noticed that it was ars*hole spelt backwards today! I’ll be kind to myself, and put it down to lack of sleep.
Your name is Esras’ tar backwards and I claim my $5 and a place in the loony bin.
Is it? Well I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!
There was a PM name of Blair
who made the world fraught and unfair
while he twisted and connived
hundreds of thousands just died
and now he’s a multi fucking millionare.
Tight fisted blogger attempts to pass off wife’s urine sample as bottle of Glenfiddich as prize in caption contest.
MEMEMEME !!!!!!!!
If it’s Limericks he’s writing, wouldn’t a bottle of Jameson be more apposite.
There once was a blogger named Guido
Who wouldnt allow the word p***o
Though lizards were fine
And Bilderberg crimes
And jokes about Huhne and his speedo
But, p***o isn’t spelt p e a…?
Blimey, one that scans properly (although ‘although’ would be better than ‘though.’) Most of the attempts here are shite in that regard – so are the ones that got the prize. Try Robert Conquest if you want to see how it’s done:
There was an old Marxist called Lenin,
Who did one or two million men in.
That’s a lot to have done in,
But where he did one in,
That old Marxist Stalin did ten in.
‘Where he did”ONLY” one in’ makes it a 7/7 scan.
You are quite correct Bill, the “in” at the end of lines 3 &4 should not be there and the limerick should read
There was an old Marxist called Lenin,
Who did one or two million men in.
That’s a lot to have done
But where he did one
That old Marxist Stalin did ten in.
A youn lady from the Azores
Had a minge that was covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Snapped at the green meat
That hung in festoons from her draws
The golden rule for this purest form of poetry is:
First line – 9 syllables
Second – 9 ”
Third – 5/6 ”
Forth – 5/6 ”
Fifth – 9 ”
Example:
There woz a right blogger named Guido
Whose posts he enticed us to read . Oh !
His plan come unstuck
When the people sez , fuck !
How much of this crap does we need-o ??
With apologies to Euripedes.
When are you going to apologise to the rest of us?
There was a kind curate of Kew
Who kept a large cat in a pew.
He taught it each week
A new letter of Greek;
But it never got further than mu.
American Pie left a posting.
He speaks on behalf of those hosting
This wonderful blog
That sees through the fog
Of those c unts we are hating the mosting.
There once was an old man from Kent
Whos todger was whithered and bent
To save time and trouble
He put it in double
But instead of cumming he went
There was a young girl from Greens Norton
Who had one long tit and one short un
But to make up for that
She had a huge twat
And could fart like a 500 Norton
lol @ 7.19
So, by Rick’s calculation this (oft quoted by my late father) should be perfect, although probably not allowed in these multiculti days…
There was a young man from Darjeeling (9)
Who got onto a ‘bus at Ealing (9)
The sign on the door said (6)
“Don’t spit on the floor”, so (6)
He stood up and spat on the ceiling. (9)
There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
Then piddled all over the ceiling
Your wrong about “although” scanning better than “though”. To fit in “although “you have introduce a syncopated rhythm dropping a half beat on the second line which although entirely possible , differs from the original and natural cadance of the limerick.
Should have read introducing a half beat to the start of the third line
It isn’t just about counting syllables, it’s about counting stresses. You can add one or two unstressed syllables to the end of any line, and one unstressed syllable at the beginning. As an example of the first, the fine limerick that someone put up a few days ago:
There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who buggered young boys when confirming ‘em.
To roars of applause
He tore down their drawers
And pumped the episcopal sperm in ‘em.
As an example of the second, a home-made one:
On a warm sandy beach in Belize
Lord Prescott was taking his ease,
With a trayful of pies
And a bucket of fries,
And his belly hung down to his knees.
No no no it would read far better thus
There once was a Bishop from Brum’
Who buggered young boys up the bum
To roars of applause
He tore down their drawers
And pumped the episcopal cum
Do you think it’s one of those self-abbreviating limericks like
There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose conduct was quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He ran about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Till his bishop compelled him to walisbury.
(For the unenlightened, the abbreviations are Sarum and Hants.)
I dont know why not AC1. Mo’hamed was exactly that.
More to do with it rhyming with guido I’d have thought.
A meme/adhd blurt of “spedo shorts”
More like it rhymes with guido.
A meme/ADHD blurt from someone who’s very name sends posts to the bin.
Maybe not then,
congratulations: you’ve been binned AC1
There is a lot of moderating going on today
Tough luck Billy
Old malt, young boys
roasted nuts
Caught in the slips
Oi! 5, 7, 5.
Sorry, meant to be a reply to hi queue, at present 37.
I was under the impression that Billy appreciated bending the rules
The dirty unwashed at St Paul’s
Kept up their lunatic calls
Higher taxes for City workers
To fund benefits for shirkers
They use the same script as Ed Balls
Like it!
Classic line from Cameron before Liason Commitee a few minutes ago when asked by Sir Alan Beith if the St Paul’s Protesters were part of his,Cameron’s,Big Society..
“Look I’ve always believed in people’s right to peaceful protest but I rather think it should be done on two legs and not in a tent usually in a comatose position….”
Rich’n'Mark meet McGonagall.
Jimmy the internet troll
Thought himself quite highly droll.
But he made no-one smile
With his dripping bile.
They just wished he’d crawl down a hole.
Ok, so he’s not the worst.
I know I’m not.
Of course you may be right but what a depressing thought.
Not to me.
However, if you’re depressed by it, I’ll chalk it up as a result.
Hear, hear. A worthy winner.
Passport please?
I showed it to the trolley guy … at the airport in Lagos..I think he was called Shemang or Shegun or something? He had ear defenders on and everything.
Very good sir..welcome to Britain.
Harsh.
We can always tell the “Brits” in the Q by their tattoos and piercings and the way they hold the can of lager whilst trying not to spill it down the front of the footie shirt they’re wearing……
XXXXXL footie shirt. None of the fuckers could run 100 yards without collapsing.
They are just the same at home except they are normally perched or slumped in their vinyl sofas, into which they fart incessantly.
A windowlicker oddly called Selohesra
Created limericks that no one could besta
Not being a nebbish
He won the Glenfiddich
But previous winners got rather lessa.
Intrigued by Schrödinger’s pseudonym ,
Plugged in the compooter an Googled ‘im .
The whole Quantum Theory
I finds rather dreary
Soo , went to some site an then bashed my quim .
E x .
There was an old slag called Ewanme
Who was incredibly tedious
Why don’t you get yourself a nice pseu-sod-onym? You might become much better tempered then. Live longer and enjoy life more.
+ 1000 Seconded
Cheers , guys xx .
Jus come back from The T e l e g r a p h .
There ain’t nothin happenin there neither .
E x .
You probably have not thoroughly examined all the available dimensions.
SC x
Delightful.
It becomes so much more interesting when you can travel in more than one dimension of time. My belief is that one of these actually goes backwards to what we experience. What would you not give in order to go back and do something really nice that you have done again. Or perhaps, go back and reverse something you did that did not work out so well.
One very important warning though:
Don’t go back in time and kill your grandfather!
The mussings of Einstein and Bhor
Inspired Erwin Schrodinger more
To place in a box
A cat not a fox
Both dead and alive on the floor
Of the Copenhagen interpretation, perhaps,
The many-worlds view can collapse.
A superposition wangle
Could then unentangle
And wind up in objective collapse.
OK, that decoherence one was from the dead cat, this is the other Verschränkung interpretation:
Of the Copenhagen interpretation, perhaps,
The many-worlds view can prolapse.
A superposition wangle
Could then unentangle
And wind up in objective collapse.
Though Einstein was not so impressed
T’was Aspect who put to the test
Those photons in pairs
Entangled affairs
And Bells inequality rests
Darn! QPS got in first with his reference to Aspect. Here’s another:
A young Frenchman called Alain Aspect
Sought to prove ‘spooky’ cause and effect
An experiment he made
With entanglement he played
And classical physics he wrecked.
QPS? I meant QPC of course!
Albert says, “God, He does not play dice”
“With the Universe. That wouldn’t be nice.”
“You would have to reject,”
“Laws of cause and effect.”
“Erwin’s cat should just stick to his mice”
Pukka doesn’t rhyme with gutter. End of.
A Tory called Jonathan Djangoly
Had balls remarkably dangly
Instead of talc he used glitter
To pamper his shitter
Now his pubes are all festive and spangly
crap
There once was a tosser called billy
who at this time of year felt his booth to be chilly
he tried an extra sweater
sadly this didnt make better
So he passed the day fapping away with his willy
There’s too many posters named Billy
And some are exceedingly silly
Guido said,”Yes, I know;
So I must proceed slow,
I don’t give out the booze willy-nilly”
Selohesra is really Pam Ayres. I claim the bottle of Glenfiddich.
Dont think so Miss Ayres signature was to construct her verses so you thought the last line would end with the word “fuck”, but of course it never did.
Well I never, that’s disgusting. What would Jesus do?
The embattled Home Sec, Mrs May
Is rapidly going (more) grey
As some twats on our Borders
Have embellished her orders
And invited the whole world to stay.
Theresa Dismay more like !
There once was an MP called Oaten
Among Lib Dems his name is verboten
All politicians I admit
Are full of shit
But for Mark a truer word has never been spoken
Well done, selohesra. You do realise that the prize is a picture of a bottle of Scotch. Guido doesn’t give these things away lightly.
Not one of them scans correctly. I can do better. Set a proper limerick compo and judge it strictly on rhyme, metre and wit.
Yr old mate idle
You arrogant banker!
Here is a challenge incorporate the word “facile”
The challenge to incorporate facile
Made me stop & think for a while
My mind went quite blank
So I stopped for a wank
And produced this in Limerick style
ehehehhe
enjoy getting pissed
Imagine he may have wondered if you would go for the American pronunciation “fass-le” and take the easy way out.
A overpaid Lefty called Polly
Clung on to her Tuscan folly
Despite all the facts
She begged for more tax
Until Papa blew up all her lolly
There once was a woman called Macauley
Who took part in a fake love story
Her hubby’s called Brown
His face is a frown
And he likes all the guys in Kirkcaldy
I once read a twitter from Sarah
Who thought such a tactic would pay her
To name drop and boast
Her husbands now toast
Her twatting is now so much rarer
Sports Minister Hugh Robertson writes to FIFA and says the squad will wear their poppies with pride and, if you don’t like it, stick it where the sun don’t shine.
+1
They should also be armed with sten guns and webley revolvers
Hugh Rob on sSN, quite impressive.
A jug-eared journo called Marr
Thought his mistress was better by far.
But it turned out the sprog
Was a third party job;
Seems she’d done more Miles than a car.
I was this } { close to winning, ( any one got a propofol opener Pes’h )
He’s bad and dangerous.
The Member for Pompey named Hancock
Was known to give young girls a bad shock
When heard to say, “Princess,”
Why don’t you just undress,
And join my friends in Vladivostok?”
There once was a fat tramp called Draper
who was full of nothing but vapour
He thought he was resilient
Absolutely totally brilliant
Though that’s not what we read in the paper
Oh Dear
7 Down Stuff Guido would rather ignore
1. May
2. Damien “The Mole” Green gone into hiding
3. Hacking…it’s getting closer to No 10…ohhh yes it is !!!
4. Private Spies… Often wondered where you get your so called scoops from Guido
5. Gidders in Tax spat
6. Has Nick Boles emigrated, he was like cow s*hit in a field a few weeks ago
7. Where’s Waris…The hunt continues
There once was a doctor called Murray
Who wanted to make a buck in a hurry
He’s a slimy shit
Medically unfit
So I’ve hired him to look after Jack Dromey
You’re just being silly now.
Just to go back to the Draper post. ‘Sit in on Labour economic policy meetings’ How that work? Bit of a non starter, what economic policies
poor old London – tented encampments in parliament square and in front of the cathedral and now another student rabble rally with the police threatening this time to use rubber bullets if it gets out of hand. Though why they can’t use water cannon instead, especially on a nice cold day like tomorrow is supposed to be, I don’t know.
It might once have been a top tourist destination – not for much longer!
Yo blud. Da stoodant protezt be tomorrow, yer get me? I is taking orderz now, bruv. Tell me what u want and me and me crew will get dem for u. We can only gets a limited numba of treeD plazma TVs, yer get me? First com first served, blud. And me not want any complaintz if me get u an LG TV. You get what I gives you. No garantee me can get u a Sonee or a Panafonikz TV. Brrrrrap!
Yo blud. Da stoodant protezt be tomorrow, yer get me? I is taking orderz now, bruv. Tell me what u want and me and me crew will get dem for u. We can only gets a limited numba of treeD plazma TVs, yer get me? First com first served, blud. And me not want any complaintz if me get u an LG TV. You get what I gives you. No garantee me can get u a Sonee or a Panafonikz. Brrrrrap!
Congrats by the way to selohesra – absolutely no good at limericks.
Couldn’t we have something with a bit more class like a Haiku which traditionally has 3 syllable lines of 5 7 5 or 5 7 6
eg
The Euro is crashing
Berlusconni is going
Watch Cameron decline.
Hmm sorry not quite right – first line needs to read
Euro is crashing
Nell that was pish, absolutely nothing rhymes or scans, abysmal effort, jeez
At PMQ Dave takes a hammerin’
Which flusters our old Mr. Cameron
In response to some calls
Shadow Chancellor Balls
Said, I think I can help with his stammerin’
The whole is not more than the sum of its parts in the Nash Equilibrium.
these are mere limerickial failures
which would turn a real limericker sick
and to see them so heartily hailed as
needs to be remedied quick
their adjective incompetence
their dyfunctional nonsense
makes the judge a glenfiddich soaked prick
A shifty politician called Balls
Considered the electorate a bunch of fools
He advocated massive debt
So Gordon’s spending could be met
Resulting in his Governments fall
“People compare me to Barack Obama, but I’m not Barack Obama” – Chuka Umunna in a Channel 4 showcase of Labour PPCs, just before I vomited all over my television.