May 18th, 2011

Back to Basics For Balls

Unemployment has fallen by 36,000 to 2.46 million in the three months to March. Youth unemployment also fell 30,000 to 934,000. That is the second quarter in a row the numbers have fallen.

The dastardly Ed Balls and his Muttley-like SpAd Alex Belardinelli are unusually quiet this morning…


  1. 1
    I says:

    Still no umpire

    • 7
      Tax Payer says:

      What did the girls say to dad hogging the blackboard, Guido?

      And why no flowers or bunnies in the corner?

      • 9
        Tapestry says:

        On the subject of girls, my girlfriend tried to board KLM Business Class this am in Manila, to fly to London, and was prevented from boarding by Philippine immigration. They demanded that she present my passport and other ID papers!!!!!

        As she doesn’t as a rule carry these she got her bags back and left. She’ll try boarding again tomorrow am, with copies of said documents.

        Someone told me his wife had to pay £800 to get out of the country. Nightmare.

        Here’s a pic of her and me two weeks ago.

        • 20
          anon says:

          Because you dumb fuck you are an ugly old man and she is a hottie. She is clearly using you to get a passport. Am I the only person to notice this?? I think not.

          • Amongomous says:

            She love him long time

          • Tapestry says:

            Thanks for the obvious comments. We’ve been living together two years and would like to fly to the UK. You’re just jealous, of course, as your girlfriend’s a tub of lard.

          • Anonymous says:

            Is ‘Shane’ hiding something?

          • gregory says:

            Thai girls an Philipinos are ok until you tire of the novelty and start looking at European women again, and then they go fucking apeshit for some reason.

          • Chris Bryant says:

            Is she a ladyboy? Do you like her cock?

          • Tapestry says:

            Can’t you tell the difference?

          • Anonymous says:

            You could have tried your luck with Osborne.

          • jgm2 says:

            Ah, reminds me of the old seismic joke.

            ‘My girlfriend doesn’t understand me’

            ‘What’s the problem? Going through a rough patch?’

            ‘No, she’s a 15 year-old Filipino. Doesn’t speak a word of English.’

        • 29
          Anonymous says:

          Do you mean his wife isn’t English either? I am not surprised, most of little England hero’s seems to marry non English like UKIP leader (sorry he left his English wife).

        • 41
          Downtown Bar Madam says:

          When you buy a mail order bride the agency is supposed to sort out the paperwork.

          • Anonymous says:

            It was clearly a mistake to make us aware of his personal life!!

          • sockpuppet #4 says:

            an understatement.

          • Tapestry says:

            Shane knew many of the journalists who died in the Magindanao massacre, and was employed to rig elections in her province when she was younger. She just fixed the numbers as she was instructed. She knows a lot more about the reality of politics than most of you lot.

          • obviously says:

            She smart cookie…

        • 69
          nivek says:

          Might try travelling with her, she might have twenty questions at Heathrow as well. Check with her to make sure she wouldn’t prefer economy – you might be surprised.

          • Tapestry says:

            I was intending to meet her at Schipol, but have re-booked tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes. If she’s stopped again, I’ll cancel again and fly out to Manila and find out who you have to bribe and how much. I’m told it could be £800 by an agency who knows about these things. I’m absolutely disgusted, of course.

        • 81
          Anonymous says:

          Good luck, well done. Philippians onces are very good and tight, will look after you like a king.

          • Tapestry says:

            I’ve lived in the Philippines many years. There’s good and there’s bad. Shane is the best I’ve ever met, and is a great mother.

        • 133
          Anonymous says:

          Poor Tapestry, thinking with his dick. He really thinks that the attractive girl half his age likes him for himself and not for the western passport that’ll allow her to bring in her extended family whilst he stumps up the cash for schooling, clothes, rent for these troughers in the interim. Wakey wakey Tap – you’re her meal ticket outta there and she’ll dump you asap, once she’s got the citizenship. Tell me, did you pay to have “schmuck” tattooed across your forehead?

          • My God. I’d never thought of that. How can I say this to a sex-starved blinkered xenophobe such as you?

            We love each other.

            OK? Got it? She doesn’t want citizenship, or residence. She wants to be with me, and I with her. We live in Manila, and want to visit the UK. That’s it. The bureaucrats are trying to get a ride on that. They let through the crooks who bribe their way in.

            My dick is attached to my heart. I hope yours is. Or is it attached to your right hand? Try letting go occasionally.

          • Tapestry says:

            oops. now you know my other alias…..
            JA let his dick wander apparently and got it trapped, same as DSK.
            He needs a girl like Shane to set him right.
            As for DSK………

        • 142
          Anonymous says:

          Let us know went it gets here so we can all have her.

      • 11
        PD77 says:

        Ooohh watch out the Waycist Bwigade will be on your case, it’s not BLACKboard it’s CHALKboard, mind how you go!

    • 13
      Anonymous says:

      The number of people claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance rose by 12,400 in April to 1.47 million, the ONS said.

      This site is better than “Only Fools and Horses”; it has more idiots, hypocrites and bigots. I love this site, its better than any comedy I have seen.

      • 17
        PD77 says:

        How many came to these shores in that time? Just wondering if they correspond with that figure?

        • 39
          Anonymous says:

          True, from last month people coming from Eastern EU can claim benefits as soon as they come in. For employment to go up by 30,000 and people on dole to go up by 12,000; 42,000 people should have come in.

          This means Dave has finally controlled immigration.

      • 79
        Logan says:

        “The number of people claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance rose by 12,400 in April to 1.47 million, the ONS said. It added that the number of people in employment rose by 118,000 to 29.24 million”

        I notice that the BBC are not ‘bullhorning’ these economic statistics as vigorously as they did yesterday’s inflation figures.

        • 96
          Anonymous says:

          For both to be true 130,000 people should have got into the country. I expect new people entering the job market to be almost same as retiring.

      • 82
        Logan says:

        Additionally, how many of those “new” jobseekers claimants were real living people who became newly unemployed and not fraudulent claims of eastern European crime gangs?

      • 108
        ST says:

        I wonder how the census affected these quarterly and monthyl figures? I’m not sure how many door knockers get employed but it must be quite a few.

        Still in light of the fact the squeeze in on in the public sector relatively flat figures could be seen as encouraging.

      • 118
        Anonymous says:

        Thanks to pricks like you we are up to our necks in shit

    • 22
      got a life says:

      “Still no umpire”

      Perhaps Billy has discovered girls or summat.

      • 34
        Anonymous says:

        Or the job center made him to go some where, he might have dropped out of the next count.

      • 40
        Justsaying says:

        Maybe in real life, Billy’s the head of the IMF

        (given his grasp of English)

  2. 2
    PD77 says:

    He’ll probably wait till PMQs with some flimsy excuse to dispute those figures!

    • 124
      jgm2 says:

      Nah. He’ll be sulking. He hates good figures. He’s only happy when the economy is fucked.

      And he’s only truly happy when he’s the one fucking it.

  3. 3
    Simon says:

    Why does David Laws keeping regretting hiding his homosexuality? Let’s hear that he regrets taking taxpayers for a ride!

    • 35
      Desperate Dan says:

      Its the LibDem way. Vince regrets that he was duped by the Telegraph but not that he slagged off David Cameron and the Tories. Chris regrets his wife’s refusal to shut up but he doesn’t regret doing anything wrong. Hancock regrets that his sex life and recruitment policies are public knowledge but he doesn’t regret his seedy behaviour. I can’t remember if Paddy Pantsdown or Jeremy Thorpe had any regrets. Mark Oaten regrets the press found out about his rent boy speciality ………………

    • 101
      Brokeback says:

      You saying he takes it up the s’hitter, but not from benefits claimants? That’s the kind of integrity I like to see in a pol.

      • 117
        Desperate Dan says:

        The image conjured up by the thought of M. Oaten brought on an attack of the vapours. I couldn’t go on .

  4. 4
    Ed Balls says:


  5. 5
    He looks like me and I'm not a bummer says:

    Lance Percival

  6. 6
    It'sAlreadyTooLate says:

    So 30000 out of the 36000 were youths, how many are long term jobs?, smells fishy to me.

    • 12
      Silly BigCow says:

      That’s Eau de Pilchard you can smell from my crusty piss flaps.

    • 16
      Anonymous says:

      They might have gone for some course and dropped out of the count.

    • 88
      It's all one big game says:

      You make a good point…my younger son who is a fairly recent graduate..can only get jobs on short term contracts(for which he’s lucky as for every job he applied for there’s approx 70 applicants mostly graduates)…his contract ended in March this year so he returned to being on the jobless figures claiming JSA,,,his employer who is in voluntary sector was awaiting funding for next tax year/When it came through the re-employed him in May on another short term contract expiring next March at which point he will be made redundant again and go onto jobless figures…as soon as funding agreed he will be re-employed again and come off the jobless figures. I suspect he’s not alone…it’s all a merry-go round playing the numbers game and it doesn’t mean that the jobs created are either full time or permanent

  7. 8
    Was I first says:


    • 15
      Spank Sinatra says:

      Possibly under the AV system your wishes may have come true however welcome to the real world.

  8. 10
    Disco Biscuit says:

    Belardinelli… or Belendinelli as he’s known round here…

    • 24
      The voice of unreason says:

      Does he have a mandolin as well?

      You could write a book of unrequited love between Captain Belendinelli and his beau Ed Testickles …

      • 36
        Lord Fondlebum of Boy and Bankbonus says:

        Put me down for a slide-in part when they make the film.

  9. 18
    Silly BigCow says:

    On Sky News:

    I see the Queen and Phil are visitng a guiness factory in Ireland. Bet Phil downs a few pints.

  10. 19
    Spank Sinatra says:

    An infinite period of silence from that git would be most welcome.

  11. 21
    Chris The Leatherman says:

    Good set of figures for the government. We must support UK manufacturing industry by cutting public expenditure and then, after reducing the deficit and debt mountain, cutting taxes. Manufacturing industry soaks up the unemployed and those who are not sufficently academically minded to go to university, even some of the 3rd rate ones. We should be proud of our manufacturing industry just like the Germans. My sector is doing OK at the moment.

    • 28
      we've been here before says:

      As for cutting taxes, look no further than just before the next election.

      • 38
        say what you see! says:

        Look no further than just after the next election to see them go up again.

    • 46
      Engineer says:

      Must politely inform Gummint that pushing up energy costs heavily by adopting stupid ‘green’ policies will put a severe brake on industry and commerce’s ability to compete on the world stage.

      Replace the Huhne with someone more pragmatic, please.

      • 92
        Logan says:


        Get a climate realist who understands the needs of business too. Someone who is not corrupt and someone who hates wasting money on things that do not work.

        In other words, someone who will get rid of those fucking windmills!

      • 109
        Jabba the Cat says:

        “Replace the Huhne with someone more pragmatic, please.”

        Blimey, aren’t you raising the bar a tad high for the pols?

      • 112
        ST says:

        Energy and raw material costs are going to put a break on things, my sources in one of the larger paint and coatings companies tells me April’s figures were appalling despite orders being up.

        • 125
          South of the M4 says:

          We had the very same cycle in 2003-4 in manufacturing. Feedstock and energy prices prices rising for 7 successive quarters; a diminishing UK material supply and customer base. UK manufacturers were hard-pressed to compete with continental competitors as much material and product had to bear the cost of crossing the channel – and the Asians, unfettered by climate change taxes, were knocking on the customers door selling at less than our manufacturing price.

          The results will be the same. Companies cutting back on investment and jobs as they chase the selling price down to maintain volume. Many will off-shore or go to short working to reduce unsold inventory. Loading yet more environmental taxes, unilaterally, at this stage of recovery is the economics of the madmen. And not what you would expect of a Tory (led) government.

  12. 23
    Andyboy says:

    those divs at the BBC report “youth unemployment stood at…”

    they find it impossible to put the word “fell” in there because it might actually give credence to government plans!!! whatever next!!!

    • 65
      Backwoodsman says:

      “whatever next” …the beeboid wet dream, a lab lib coalition !

    • 75
      simon r says:

      Yet when we were quite clearly in recession a while ago the heading graphic on the BBC news was still ‘Downturn’ – i.e things are still ok, we have just hit a bump in the road, other than Labour have f****** the economy. This persisted was several weeks before they finally had to change it.

      The BBC, this is what we do.

    • 114
      Anonymous says:

      R soles the lot of them – privatize them

  13. 25
    Gordon Brown says:

    I want to be head of the MDF.

  14. 27
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Taxes haven’t gone down yet though have they?

    What short term effect has caused this increase in employment then?

  15. 30
    Spag Bol says:

    Belardinelli? Isn’t that a brand of pasta sauce?

  16. 31
    Taxfodder says:

    Perhaps you should check out the INDY Guido…reporting this morning.

    “The number of people on jobseeker’s allowance (JSA) unexpectedly shot up last month, official figures revealed today, as the number of women claimants hit a 14-and-a-half year high.

    The so-called claimant count increased by 12,400 last month to 1.47 million, the largest increase in 16 months, the Office for National Statistics said. Economists were expecting a decline of between 4,000 and 10,000.”

    Who is right?

    only one way to find out……..

    • 57
      South East Voter says:

      Could be the amount of people moving from incapcity benefit as they have now found that they can walk

    • 66
      I'm over here says:

      I think there might be other explanations for the rise in claimants, e.g. the missus has just signed on as taxes have just eaten a bunch of my moolah and tax credits have gone down. Never bothered before as we didn’t ‘need’ the money but if it’s there for the asking, well, one from the playbook of the roma gyppos

    • 104
      Logan says:

      Good old indy, only telling the negative half of the story again….

      From the BBC (of all places):
      “The number of people claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance rose by 12,400 in April to 1.47 million, the ONS said. It added that the number of people in employment rose by 118,000 to 29.24 million”

  17. 32
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    A period of silence from HerrBalls is always welcome.

    As he can’t dig the claws in over the figures, he is no doubt plotting when and how to nail Milibland.

    Balls = Fat, vile toad

  18. 37
    Prime Minister's Quotes says:

    If Cameron can work “go compare” into one of his answers today, I’ll make a donation to the Tories.

  19. 42
    Kevin Maguire says:

    SAY what you like about Gordon Brown but he’ll never be called a rutting chimpanzee or accused of vilely assaulting a chambermaid in a swanky New York hotel.

    Cameron should fly the flag for GB and Gordon Brown

    • 50
      I says:

      “Kevin” FFS Your parents must have wanted a girl.

    • 52
      dead and buried says:

      Not unless she’s called Prudence.

    • 54
      Gordon Brown says:

      I’ve got something to put in you.

    • 56
      Engineer says:

      In other news, Dracula appointed head of bloodbank, Fred Goodwin asked to succeed Mervyn King, and Colonel Gaddafi to take charge of Amnesty International

    • 58
      Senile Kevin says:

      Have we forgotten the bigoted woman episode kevin, or the Nokia throwing, or the physical and verbal assults on staff, or the nose picking, or the I saved the world, or the selling off of our gold reserves, or the ending of boom to bust, or the 10p tax, or the lone signing of the Lisbon treaty, or anything he ever did?

    • 60
      Steve Miliband says:

      But Gordon is busy making a difference for the good people of Fife.
      Tirelessly working on their behalf, voting like an X factor addict, neglecting book promotions and forgoing lucrative speech making so that he can represent their interests . So how could he give up his work for a job at the IMF

    • 63
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      he appears to have taken that idea from thedailymash

    • 64
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      he has got that idea from thedailymash

    • 68
      The big D says:

      Most people who work in finance have an finance based education or background.

      Why Kevin would want someone whose only specialist knowledge is of the Scottish Labour movement running the IMF is questionable.

      The ability to con your way into a party with a carrier bag of empty beer cans and bricks wasn’t mentioned on the job requirements.

    • 78
      Cheetah says:

      I’m not so sure about that Kev, Sarah feeds him nine bananas a day. That sounds very much like a Chimp diet to me

  20. 45
    Loungelizard says:

    Independent Banner Headline…. ‘Shock rise in jobless claimants’

  21. 49
    Fa Kin Su Pah says:

    BBC managed to put this fairly
    important news behind Olympic torch
    route and Reappearance of Dormice
    in Kent.

  22. 53
    Simon says:

    I get sick of the BBC line that growth is flat lining etc. No we are having to re-balance an economy that has been skewed toward public sector job creation to fiddle the figures. It will take along time to readjust growth and jobs back to the private sector. But every job created in the private sector is worth 2 public sector jobs as it isn’t eating tax revenue from the private sector! Any tax paid by the public sector is just re-cycling money.

    • 72
      Cato Street Conspirator says:

      How about when the private sector does work for the public sector? As in producing weapons for the armed forces? The private business is paid for what it produces by the public sector out of taxes. Does that money magically become real private sector money?

      • 90
        Anonymous says:


      • 97
        Weland Smith says:

        No. It was always private sector money until extorted by the gummint. And,of course, part of the money paid by the gummint for the weapons (or e.g. “NHS funded” drugs) is then re-extorted by the gummnt.

        • 113
          Logan says:

          Except IF the gummint borrowed that money from the BoE. Then it was created specifically for the purpose of being public sector money, however it would still have to be repaid by taxation and so return to the BoE with interest, thus being a bigger drain on the private sector than simply taxation funded spending alone.

          Or the government could combine all their different loans into one manageable monthly payment with Ocean Finance.

          Then they could default and arrange an IVA and be completely debt free in only 6 years!

      • 119
        Logan says:

        That depends on the type of work and who gets the contract and why.

        Under labour, loads of public sector work was invented and then privatised by selling the service to be run by elected official’s cronies, but instead of going fully private, and getting the users of the services to pay for those services direct, thus allowing authorities to cut taxation and leaving the privatised services to compete fairly in the “real world” These services would STILL be paid for out of taxation, often with protected and preferential contracts, but without any democratic oversight and often costs exploded causing taxes to increase.

        Much of the privatisation which occured under labour did not benefit the end-user, the tax-payer or anyone other than the people who set up a “private” parasite to leach off the taxpayer.

        REAL privatisation means that the service is no longer provided by, nor paid for by, the taxpayer.

        Labour’s privatisations are more like a merger between the corporations and the state. AKA fascism.

    • 105
      labourunionsbbc we are one says:

      Just before the last election the vile bbc kept reporting that there were “green shoots of recovery” when there was no such thing. I can only think that the said vile bbc were some how spining on behalf of the vile labour party.

  23. 55
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’ve kidnapped Billy and I’m giving him a lecture on tractor production under Labour in the context of post-endogenous growth theory in a macro-economic framework based on prudence.

  24. 59
    Vin Diesel, The Rock, Chris Huhne in: says:

    Fast and Furious 6

  25. 71
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    The cuts haven’t started to bite yet.

    • 106
      Well done, Dave says:

      The ones in the military have.

    • 123
      Logan says:

      Really? Then what the fuck have the BBC, The unions and labour been screaming hysterically about for the last 11 months? “SAVAGE CUTS”

      What will these hysterical fuckwits do when they do start to bite then?

  26. 76
    les says:

    Youth unemployment had already reached a record high of 952,000 BEFORE Labour left office.

  27. 83
    Sue Doughty says:

    The London Standard reports this differently, saying young unemployment is set to reach one million. Spin can be very unhelpful. As a parent paying high motor insurance for a youngster to do part time work in unsocial hours can I just add a long loud scream of frustration that the truth is an alternate reality form the employment figures no matter who is arguing the numbers?

  28. 89
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Ed is unavailable today as he is revising hard for his GCSE Economics.

    • 116
      Cato Street Conspirator says:

      Is that Ed ‘PPE’ Balls? Presumably he’s studying alongside George ‘Modern History’ Osborne.

  29. 100
    Righty Right Wing (Mrs) says:


    “Cut deficit”

    “Cut public sector”

    “Cut taxes”


    Obviously that is not Conservative policy.

    Osbourne & rusty Dave are spending more than Labour did, have not cut the size of the public sector & have raised taxes to their highest level in 30 years.

    There is nothing Conservative about this Coalition.

    Blue Labour out.

    • 107
      scratch and sniff says:

      calm down dear

    • 127
      Logan says:

      The deficit has been cut. Debt will continue to rise until the deficit is paid off and then we can start paying off the debt, even then it will be very very slowly and take years.

      That means having a government who then has to spend less than it takes in taxation, continually and for decades to come.

      You cannot turn around a debt which has been increased by a deficit the size of a Black Wednesday happening every week, that quickly.

      • 138
        Righty Right Wing (Mrs) says:

        Errr, yes you can.

        You can stop paying the EU.

        You can close DFID.

        You can cut business tax & persoanl tax.

        The reason none of this happens is because we have no Conservatives in the Coalition worth a damn, just Liberals who believe in the Big State.

  30. 110
    Desperate Dan says:

    Patricia Hodge has been to the Gordon Brown School of Smiling creepily at all the Wrong Places.

  31. 129
    50 Calibre says:

    Does anyone actually listen to Balls’ utterances?

    • 130
      Sir Barrington Minge says:

      Only Balls and his boy-wife..and she thinks he’s shit.

      • 135
        dutchy in scotland says:

        Is she also one of those ‘Philippino birds’ from the Far East ?

  32. 131
    Jimmy says:

    Conservatives have always been good at cutting unemployment statistics.

  33. 139
    YokshireLad says:

    Wish the bastard would be permanently quiet.

  34. 140

    At least he can still be smug about his ambition to be leader of the opposition…

  35. 141
    Anonymous says:

    Where the fuck dae the illuminati banks fit it with this shite?

  36. 143
    FlipC says:

    The number of short term unemployed (under 12 months) has dropped by 36k; long-term (over 12 months) has increased by 20k.

    With the Youth unemployment figures if 10k signed on and 40k became adults and moved over to the adult list the figures have dropped by 30k without anyone on the list getting a job. Not saying that’s what happened; just that one figure isn’t that much use.

  37. 144
    Ging Gang says:


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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Kevin Maguire on the less than electrifying Ed Miliband…

“I bet if you went into a pub tonight and started a conversation about ­politics you’d hear strong opinions. David Cameron would be out of touch and Nick Clegg despised while Nigel Farage would divide people sharply. Miliband? In a lot of boozers he’d be the fourth most interesting man in British politics.”

Alexrod says:

It’s money innit.

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