November 24th, 2010

Cameron’s Comedy Turn

While 10,000 kids smash up Whitehall outside, Cameron was entertaining the Lobby lunch, the first PM to do so in 31 years. It must have been a good speech for devout Dave-hater Kevin Maguire to announce that “Cameron witty, smooth, confident, clear and direct in answering questions at today’s press gallery lunch. Impressive”.

Guido could hear the laughter from the cellar. Rory Bremner, warming up, declared “Cameron and Clegg have no mandate (for tuition fees) the only one with a man date is Hague”. However it was Dave’s crack about Simon Burns really tickled him. Apparently once when Bercow told Burn “I’m not happy” the Tory Health Minister quipped “Well, which one are you then?”

UPDATE: Paul Waugh has more of the jokes, but comedy aside DC gave the clearest hint yet he wants David Laws back in the Cabinet “soon”. You can bet on just how soon over at Smarkets where prices on Laws to return have jumped…


  1. 1
    Grumpy says:



  2. 2
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    ont careif he is funny , just want him to run the fuckin country


  3. 3
    Mike Litorus says:

    Did they have a dwarf called “Obnoxious little Hunt” then?


  4. 4
    Peter Grimes says:

    The old ones are the best ones, but Berkov is STILL a c u n t!


  5. 5
    Grumpy says:

    Billy is dopey! Ffs.


  6. 7
    Steve Miliband says:

    Silly Fokkers now burning wreaths at the Cenotaph


  7. 9
    Grumpy says:

    I feel Happy but he doesn’t like it.


  8. 9
    David Cameron says:

    And my best joke is…………

    …….. Nick Clegg

    Just a mention of his name has the gathering on the floor laughing uncontrollably


  9. 13
    Scary Biscuits says:

    Either Cameron was good or the wine was good for Maguire.

    Also Laws (he of the implausible rent story) will be back in govt soon. Heir to Blair indeed. Honest men like Young kept away. Dishonest cronies can do no wrong.


  10. 15
    Engineer says:

    So at least when Cameron either retires or gets kicked out as PM, he can earn the crust he doesn’t really need as an after-dinner speaker.


    • 27
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      As a student I remember someone saying: “Maggie Thatcher- she’s only doing it for her CV”.

      Just an absurdist joke at the time, but I wonder these days, whether PM is a career step before something more lucrative.


  11. 16
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Witty? Repeating someone elses joke?

    Double the dose of smooth and confident then.


  12. 17
    Gordon Brown says:

    A little bit of wee just came out.


    • 33
      Nurse Botha says:

      Keep your weenie out, Mr. Brown, dear. Afternoon wankies in ten minutes. Would you like chocolate hob nobs or digestives with that?


  13. 19
    nigel jackson says:

    serious question..

    anyone think david cameron could be the best pm since thatcher?


    • 30
      Engineer says:

      So he has to better than Brown, Bliar and Major.

      Cameron could be a rather average PM (and currently the signs are that he will be), and he’d still be streets ahead of the first two, and probably level on points with the third.


    • 31



      • 37
        DAVE (all wind ane piss) CAMERON says:

        He is the best prime minister since Gordon Brown
        Now you wouldn’t want that on your CV


    • 39
      Tessa Tickles says:



    • 43
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      I bet he’s even better than Thatcher.

      At telling jokes.


    • 192
      the old Dufflebag says:

      Thatcher was lucky that she had pretty much a blank canvas to work on as there had been virtually nothing radically new in British politics since the development of the welfare state after the second world war. Whilst reviled by many she did apply a whole new way of doing things..turned many situations upside down and shook the economy back into life….changed the dominance of the unions… brought in the denationalisation programme and gave ‘right to buy’.

      These three elements alone were enough to put her in the history books…add the rest and she stands tall. No prime minister could achieve so much these days as there are not the opportunities to be really radical in a reforming sense as most of the ground has been covered.


  14. 22
    Wisdom of the crowd says:

    Students are vermin.


  15. 24
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Re the protests , Can hire a helicopter and drop some shit parcels on there heads ?


  16. 25
    Herr Fritzl says:

    Who is this Guido Fawkes in the cellar ??

    “Guido could hear the laughter from the cellar”


  17. 32
    blackbyle says:

    Can anyone imagine the Caledonian Cyclops raising a laugh like that one about Simon Burns and the pompous fartlet Bercow ? Had “chippy”, class garbage- carrier Macguire had a Newcastle brown or two too many ?


  18. 35

    Who’s the one who was a wooden boy? A wooden puppet with someone pulling his strings to make him dance to their tune.

    Then he comes to life, tells a load of porkies and becomes the unexpected leader of the Labour party.

    I like that one.


  19. 36
    13eastie says:

    І’m fuсkіng lоvіng wаtсhіng thеѕе “ѕtudеnt” twаtѕ bеіng kеttlеd оn Whіtеhаll, оn Ѕky Ѕроrtѕ Nеwѕ.

    Іt’ѕ lоvеly аnd wаrm аt my рlасе, І саn uѕе thе bаthrооm аѕ І рlеаѕе аnd еаt аnd drіnk whаt І сhооѕе.

    Мuѕt dаѕh ― сrumреtѕ аrе rеаdy…


    • 55
      Tessa Tickles says:

      Just eaten a huge chicken sandwich, on my second be*er, thinking exactly the same thing.

      I bet it’s cold out there.


      • 61
        Engineer says:

        It’s REALLY cold out there. Just look at the way they’re all huddled together for warmth.


      • 68

        Shouldn’t you two be at work…? (enquires enviously)


        • 76
          Tachybaptus says:

          Korean concrete pumps never stop working. If the concrete has a chance to set, they’re finished.


        • 186
          13eastie says:

          Wоrk gеnеrаlly tаkеѕ рlасе оnсе а yеаr іn Jаnuаry аnd іnvоlvеѕ mееtіng оnе’ѕ ассоuntаnt tо ѕіgn оnе’ѕ tаx rеturn аnd wrіtе а bіg fuсkіng сhеquе tо НМRС.

          Іt’ѕ nоt ѕоmеthіng І саrе fоr оnе jоt аnd І сеrtаіnly wоuld nоt wаnt tо ѕее any increase in the frequency of its incidence.


      • 70
        Michael Ostomy-Bag says:

        Are they still following this? I’m gonna nip out for some supplies, then.


  20. 45
    Ed Miliiband says:



  21. 46
    DAVE (all wind and piss) CAMERON says:

    Gove on the bbc now just said of the students “If they go into the higher paid sector
    ie Banking or BBC Presenting “will start to pay back the loan more quickly
    what a wag he is !


  22. 47
    Tim Lovejoy says:

    I am one off the BBC reporters , And i bumped into a few poor students that may commit suicide because of the savage cuts the unelected coalition are planning .


  23. 49
    David Cameron says:

    I just Samantha some perfume for Xmas.

    The Black guy serving me said, “Would you like me to wrap it?”

    I said, “No thanks, just talking normally is fine”.


  24. 56
    Wisdom of the crowd says:

    Say what you like about Cameron at least he looks and sounds like a leader. Ed Militant looks and sounds like the President of the NUS. He looks out of his depth and sounds like he is speaking at a student’s meeting. He is not leadership material.


  25. 59
    Socialist Worker says:

    Tory education secretary Michael Gove blames the Socialist Workers Party for student protests. We’re proud to play our part.


    • 66
      Engineer says:

      I think he blames the National Union of Soapdodgers as well.


    • 71
      ha ha ha says:

      SociALIST worker party – how about being honest enough to remove workers from your name


    • 73
      Tessa Tickles says:

      I love your website! “A revolutionary anti-capitalist paper in Britain”.

      And then the links to follow you on Twitter and Facebook.

      You couldn’t make it up.


      • 81
        ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha says:

        make you own socialist, computers, internet and website eeerrrrrr but you can’t coz socialist are shit and all they can do is protest

        don’t take viagra or wear a condom if capitalist stuff bother you that much

        how about no tampon!


        • 87
          Engineer says:

          Woolas – why aren’t you thinking up excuses for your possibly-not-forthcoming Judicial Review?


        • 109
          smoggie says:

          Right! Socialism produces nothing worthwhile because it suppresses innovation and endeavour.

          All their exports are packaged in cattle trucks or shell casings. Ask the South Koreans.

          And Socialist “Worker” here would have us start from Year Zero again.

          Socialism and Democracy are incompatible.


        • 159
          Tessa Tickles says:

          This is all getting a bit weird.


      • 83
        Dorian Smith says:

        I love your appeal for £150,000, you could always try working.


  26. 62
    Bushcraft says:

    Today’s students are incredibly thick. They don’t even realise that sitting down wind of a smoking fire is not good for the eyes and lungs.


  27. 64
    student Tweet says:

    just burnd sum reeths.
    of 4 pot nudle & wank now


  28. 67
    Libertarian Bitch says:

    @Beastie. You read my mind. Who would want to be them. Warm as toast indoors.


  29. 69
    Sophie says:

    So Dave has given a cast iron hint that he wants a thief in Government “soon”.

    Laws will not be the only thief in the cabinet, thats for sure.

    I wonder how much public money an MP would have to steal before they were persona non grata for a pucker troughing top job in Team Dave.



    How much theft would be beyond the pale?


    • 79
      Tessa Tickles says:

      Quite a lot. The EU’s just made off with another £8bn of our dosh, and Dave’s quite happy about it. In fact, I bet you could steal the entire United Kingdom and Dave wouldn’t bat an eyelid.


  30. 72
    Ho Hum says:

    While Rome is burning , he’s having Lobby Luncheon. A Bit haughty- don’t you think.

    The Guy is an arrogant and conceited. And Neo Con Guido Lovers, you will find out very soon how arrogant and conceited he is.


  31. 74
    streamfisher says:


  32. 86
    Red dwarf says:

    There is little humour to be had from these small minded jokes.


  33. 88
    One warped senior student and NUS leader says:

    Clare Solomon welcomes outsiders into the protest and says it is the police who were the violent ones.


  34. 89
    Rat's arse says:

    Some dopey tart on Sky with some sort of feather in her hair [it could be her brain hanging out] moaning about being penned it. I HOPE THEY KEEP THEM PENNED IN ALL SODDIN NIGHT. Oh, and Berkcow and his fragrant wife [she who smells of whiffy fish] should be in the middle of that lot, so that he can exercise his ‘authority’ and she can ply her trade.


  35. 93
    smoggie says:

    Good speech or was Toilets well lubricated?

    Or indeed, looking for a job?


  36. 95
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I think we need to ask the 3rd umpire .


  37. 96
    I hate New Labour says:

    So Cameron gives a good speech while actually achieving very little.

    Heir to Blair indeed…


  38. 100
    Gordon Brown says:

    I was a student once


    • 133
      streamfisher says:

      But only until you were aged 38, imagine that now £9000 a year for twenty years = £180,000, money well spent by the state I would say.


  39. 101
    Our 'azel Blears says:

    Well at least I am not a ginger rodent.


  40. 103
    100th says:

    Fap fap


  41. 107
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Guido , Any chance of a Ashes post to mark the begining of the greatest sporting battle this year ?


  42. 115
    Martin Day-Miliband says:

    Coalition of Resistance: Can’t Pay, Won’t Pay


  43. 131
    AC1 says:

    Good day to bury new of systematic islamic sexual abuse


  44. 134
    Tim Loveboys says:

    Hello, my name’s Tim Loveboys and I’m an absolute wanker.


  45. 143
    Divy Miliband Tweets says:

    I have been asked to open a new 99p shop. the mangager thinks I am a penny short of a pound.


  46. 151
    Martin Day BBC Political Correspondent says:

    Guido Fawkes risked controversy today as he “kettled” several hundred protesters after clashes during student tuition fee protests.

    Demonstrators were penned in by political bloggers in Whitehall after a stranded police van was attacked and vandalised.

    Guido Fawkes said he will bring in portable toilets and water but he said it was unclear how long people would have to remain.


  47. 155
    DAVE (all wind and piss) CAMERON says:

    Wow it looks sooooo cold down there in London
    i think 3 o’clock in the morning would be a good time to release them when all their caches have left all public transport has finished and all the pubs are shut so they can’t have a nice cold beer and reflect on their days rioting !
    fucking vermin !


  48. 157
    Ed Miliband says:

    I will start filling my blank piece of paper as soon as Len and Charlie tell me what to white


  49. 161
    Student Grant says:

    Please let me out of the kettle, I have got to go to school in the morning


    • 181
      Tessa Tickles says:

      What’s the temperature due to fall to tonight in Whitehall? Metcheck says -3 (feels like -7C).

      Right, forget school, you’re not going to see dawn. A human kidney goes for $100K in the US. 3,000 demonstrators x 2 kidneys each = $600m. That’s a bit of Labour’s de*bt-mountain sorted.



  50. 163
    Geoff Cunt says:

    I’m an absolute Hoon. Just wanted to make that clear.


  51. 166
    Audley Harrison says:

    No I cant !


  52. 170
    nell says:

    I’ve been wondering who would be good to act as edmilitwit’s press/policy adviser y’know like coulson is to cameron?

    It has to be maguire doesn’t it?


  53. 175

    Cameron is a joke. Full Stop. As a Conservative, that is.


  54. 177
    The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey says:

    “Students” shout “Tory scum, Tory scum”

    When was the last time you saw a Tory?


  55. 196
    LipsMoving?Lying says:

    “Cameron witty, smooth, confident, clear and direct in answering questions at today’s press gallery lunch. Impressive”.

    It was a liquid lunch I presume?


  56. 197
    It'sAlreadyTooLate says:

    “Government will force would-be teachers to take aptitude tests and undergo personality screening before being accepted on to courses.”

    Prospective MPs next?


  57. 198
    Who Gives A Fuck says:

    I don’t actually think 10,000 students are smashing up London. Many hundreds/thousands are being held against their will for 4 hours now in the cold London night. Could be one of your children??? Are you sayiug no one has the right to protest???

    But the violence perpetrated by the authorities towards the British population was always bound to be challenged in some form or other. The complacent majority in this country have allowed their lives to be taken away and their futures ruined. Let’s make the right connections shall we rather than admire from afar the ‘jokery’ of the politicians – who frankly don’t give a fuck about the population


  58. 201
    Anonymous says:

    One of my sons went on the last student demo and I warned him it would be hijacked by troublemakers and turn violent. He peacefully made his point, kept away from the violence and then went to the pub before catching the coach back to uni.
    If he’d gone on this demo and got ” kettled” by cops I would tell him it was tough shit. I certainly wouldn’t be moaning about his treatment by the authorities. These protestors are being treated with kid gloves compared to some of the violent scenes I’ve witnessed on demos before.


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