November 22nd, 2010

First Piggy on Trial as IPSA Blows More Cash

As Elliot Morley’s trial gets underway today, the MPs’ expenses bee will simply not leave the Westminster bonnet. ePolitix reports that IPSA are going to spend a million pounds releasing the MPs expense claims data, though there is some confusion over whether receipts will be included in that. While this undoubtedly a good move theoreatically, ironically it will happen on the same day, the 2nd December, that the future of the omnishambolic IPSA is debated in the House. Guido cannot get his head around why it’s going to cost such a staggering amount of money though? He is pretty sure he could do the job with a couple of scanners and some interns for half the price…


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Hang Him !!!!


  2. 2
    Anonymous says:

    I could also do it cheaper, but once you let proper businesses tender fairly for government work, all sorts of dodgy decks of cards will come tumbling down.


    • 9
      Alfiebengal says:

      You hit the nail on the head. Couldn’t agree more.


    • 14
      Ken Lorp says:

      The fees office is probably too stupid to know when they’re being taken for a ride. But then, the cost is probably about £100,000 p.a. and the cost of all the inclusive, diversity bullsh1t they have to deal with takes it up to £1m.


    • 23
      Backwoodsman says:

      I had a serious go at my MP over the cost of this, versus what a plc would spend to audit a similar number of staffs’ expenses . His answer was fairly staggering , if it didn’t cost a lot of money, peolple would then say it wasn’t being done properly ! And this from one of them who is generally considered to have had a life outside of the civil service.


  3. 3
    Gordon Brown says:

    But I cleaned up Parliment !


  4. 4
    Margaret Moran says:

    I got away with it. Tee-hee!


  5. 6
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Perhaps one shouldn’t always read the last paragraph first.

    “He is pretty sure he could do the job with a couple of scanners and some interns” ooo-err missus.


  6. 8
    The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey says:

    Have you seen the price of black marker pen’s recently, Guido?


  7. 10
    David Miliband and Labour leader in waiting Tweet says:


    • 12
      Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:



      • 59
        Red Ed says:

        While you are there big Bruv, pick up half a dozen packs of disposable nappies and a tub of baby’s bum cream.



    • 14

      That’s what you’ve been reduced to – opening a fucking supermarket.

      Sky’s the fucking limit, eh?


      • 31
        Archer Karcher says:

        To be fair, what else does the average MP have left to do? They have given away responsibility for virtually everything else. The real affairs of state take place elsewhere, the average MP’s workload is rubber stamping votes on the directives sent to Westminster from our rulers in Brussels and then attempting to spin them as brilliant ideas they thought of themselves. Er and that’s it.


        • 40
          misterned says:

          “the average MP’s workload is rubber stamping votes on the directives sent to Westminster from our rulers in Brussels and then attempting to spin them as brilliant ideas they thought of themselves. Er and that’s it”

          Actually most MP’s do not spin these as if they have thought of them themselves. Most of them rubber stamp these and then spend their time hoping that we never find out about what has been passed. Half the time, the MPs themselves do not know what they have rubber stamped.


      • 53
        Backwoodsman says:

        I can see the two Eds as shelf stackers – just. & Yvette & old horse face beckett on the tills gossiping, while Moran would be the one who always has the ‘just closing’ sign on her line & is more interested in doing her nails. Supervised by Ms Health & Efficiency herself, mad hattie , who would love the store managers job, but knows she’d muddle the stock take figures & get fired & who has to be satisfied with pussy whipping the two eds & sneaking on the other staff to the manager.


      • 87
        Airey Belvoir says:

        He’s even lied about that modest claim – see above!


    • 19
      Yesterday's man says:

      Kin L. From Foreign Secretary to trolley pusher in just six months.


    • 24
      Phil Woolas says:

      That reminds me, I must buy some tampons.


    • 27
      Gordon Brown says:

      How do you get a gig like that?
      Mrs Brown tells me the one Cantebury has a good range of fresh fish.


    • 29
      Hugh Janus says:

      Cutting a ribbon and all the carrots you can carry?? Occupies those long, boring, empty hours as a NuLiebour MP I suppose.

      And ‘this’ has an ‘i’ in it too – accuracy never was your strong point, was it? It’s the same ‘i’ as in ‘rendition’.


    • 89
      The Lizard King says:

      This is The End.


  8. 13
    Ed Miliband says:



  9. 20
    Sir William Waad says:

    Better still, if MPs made their expense claims online the cost of putting them on a website would fall to almost nothing.


  10. 22
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    ” Dont touch my junk “


  11. 26
    paddy power says:

    Is Guido betting on the likely sentence (assuming that he is found guilty!)


  12. 33
    Anonymous says:

    ipsa is a parliamentary conspiracy to make the previous system appear efficient.


    • 88
      Who Gives A Fuck says:

      surely you mean inefficient???

      these scum ought not to be suffered anymore – the population should rise up and exterminate them


      • 107
        Anonymous says:

        no, because after X£million spent there will be a demand for a change and the old system will be resurrected under a different name. Simples.


  13. 36
    Macauley says:

    I’m in Kent.


  14. 37
    Tim Lovejoy says:

    I bumped into Elliot Morley at a party once ……….


    • 109
      His Lordship says:

      Hope you didn’t spill the drinks then. Clumsy waiters are a pain, but you just can’t get decent staff these days.


  15. 39
    streamfisher says:

    One little piggy went to market, one little piggy stayed at home, one little piggy had roast beef, one little piggy had none, and one little piggy went wee,eeee!, all the way home, @ three homes, one built of brick, one built of sticks and one built of straw.


  16. 42
    jgm2 says:

    Morley, after prison, will have to fall back on his acting career.


    • 56
      streamfisher says:

      Wouldn’t surprise me if he took a leaf out of Woolas’s book and dressed as a washerwoman to try and escape the law.


      • 79
        Nick2 says:

        Or have a sudden brainstorm & turn up on day 1 wearing a dress & calling himself Loretta. Seem to remember that something similar worked rather well with a certain fund manager…


  17. 47
    angelnstar says:

    Elliot Morley is the first and biggest piggy. And Bob Crow is the biggest cry baby. Diddums Bobbie, did your mummy tie your bonnet on too tight when you were a baby? And is Big Bad Boris making you cry?


  18. 49
    Dack Blog says:

    Just watching Ozzie’s statement… he’s looking a bit pasty and porky lately. As is Dave – though more red than pasty (blood pressure check if I were you, Dave. Or a relaxing hol in Thailand). Clegg looks like he’s at a funeral (prob of the euro).


  19. 51
    Private member, Bill says:

    We need a bigger trough now!


  20. 55
    Sir William Waad says:

    Perhaps the money would be spent ‘redacting’ the claims. For instance, the ones that begin “Dear Santa…”


  21. 58
    Gonk says:

    Bloke, pipe, cardigan, assistant,
    part time, photocopier, telephone, small office…
    …. job done


  22. 63
    Upchuck Umomma says:

    I find the lack of coverage about me on this site deeply ray cyst. Don’t you realise I’m a future prime minister?


  23. 64
    Engineer says:

    Here’s how it works.

    A team of people beaver away for some years doing a particular job. They answer to a small management team.

    Some far-away authority decides that the job could be better done by putting it out to others.

    If this is happening in the private sector, the doers are made redundant, and the managers are instructed to outsource the work. This they do, as best they can, with sometimes indifferent results. The company therefore loses business to its competitors and goes bust.

    If however, this happens in the public sector, a team of people are draughted in to write specifications, seek tenders and assess the tenders when submitted. They are then kept on to manage the inevitable variations to contract that crop up. Meanwhile, the tenderers employ a similar management team to assess specifications, write tenders and subsequently manage the contract. (These people, for both purchaser and supplier, can be well paid, because the pit of Other People’s Money is bottomless – or was.) If there is any money left in the contract after wrangling, some is allocated for actually doing the work, usually with a far smaller team than was originally employed. Consequently, the work is often unsatisfactory, giving the management teams ample opportunity for expensive meetings to talk about it.

    Cynical? Been there, done it, took the redundancy and left them to it….


  24. 65
    Max says:

    Guido, it is an unwritten rule that the provision of any service to the public sector is always quoted on the basis of actual price plus an added nought on the end.

    That is why the most basic of buildings that the private sector would throw up for £250,000 will cost the public sector a straight £2.5 million.

    In part (as already mentioned above) that is because an awful lot of f*ckwittery has to be applied at both ends and in addition whereas the private sector might spend some time trying to determine how much f*ckwittery can be legally avoided the public sector spend much time and resources trying to cram in as much f*ckwittery as possible.

    And then they gold-plate it.

    Then there are the overruns of course…

    So naturally £1 mill sounds about right for a £100K job.


  25. 66

    I’ll do it for a tenth of the price, no worries. Online in a week.


  26. 69
    Desert Rat says:

    Give the bastard a fair trail, then hang him.

    This twat pursued UK fishermen into penury with relish, in support of EU fishing policy (in UK waters). Let him hang or rot in jail I will rejoice.


  27. 70
    And they could only pin this charge on 3 MPs? says:

    False accounting.
    — (1) Where a person dishonestly, with a view to gain for himself or another or with intent to cause loss to another,—
    (a)destroys, defaces, conceals or falsifies any account or any record or document made or required for any accounting purpose; or
    (b)in furnishing information for any purpose produces or makes use of any account, or any such record or document as aforesaid, which to his knowledge is or may be misleading, false or deceptive in a material particular;
    he shall, on conviction on indictment, be liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding seven years.
    (2) For purposes of this section a person who makes or concurs in making in an account or other document an entry which is or may be misleading, false or deceptive in a material particular, or who omits or concurs in omitting a material particular from an account or other document, is to be treated as falsifying the account or document


  28. 74
    David Attenborough says:

    Fascinating! Half poodle, half pig, half humanoid – this creature will soon undergo
    the changes that are embedded deep in it’s DNA and become one of those rarest, yet stunningly beautiful, transmogrifications: The Jailbird


  29. 81
    Anonymous says:



  30. 82
    Jimmy says:

    “He is pretty sure he could do the job with a couple of scanners and some interns for half the price…”

    You get what you pay for I suppose.


  31. 83
    Nick2 says:

    Can’t understand how ANY basic scan & file job can cost £1million.

    And apparently only 22,000 claims will be filed/available online – over £45 each.

    I rather think that any decent scanning bureau could undercut that figure by one or two orders of magnitude. In fact, I suspect that a Law firm could do the job for £100K…


    • 84
      Diversity Officer says:

      Each marker pen has to be handcrafted from a fair trade village in Africa and hand delivered to reduce carbon footprints.


  32. 90
    Aless says:

    2 scanners at 50 each, 999, 900 black marker pens to cross out details at one pound each


  33. 91
    Aless says:

    2 scanners at 50 each, 999, 900 black marker pens to cross out details at one pound each


  34. 93
    Oh dear. I just drank all my Christmas shopping says:

    Forget the expensive trial, I say. Put him naked in a sty with the honest pigs and see what comes up.


  35. 98
    Tachybaptus says:

    On the day where we learned that children in British schools are being given sharia lessons, complete with a ‘cut here’ diagram for hands, I thought it might be good to apply the law in Parliament. What a forest of stumps there would be.


  36. 100

    Put another way, they are claiming it costs £1,540 on average to publish the expenses of each MP! Even if you ignore economies of scale, that’s still insanely expensive! Does it really take over a man-month of effort for an admin clerk to apply black marker pen to one MP’s expenses and then feed them through a scanner?


  37. 102
    brian gilhooley says:

    Just take the fat bastard out and string him up!


  38. 111
    Norris Stampton says:

    it is rumoured that three jails are to close. I suggest Elliot Morley is locked in the first and let him await the bulldozers and dynamite.


  39. 112
    Outlier says:

    Is it true this self-serving, worthless piece of shit’s trial has been put off….again!?


  40. 113

    The Elliot Morley fraud trial was listed for 22nd Novemember but did not happen.

    The Supreme Court appeal decision on Parliamentary privilege and reasons for the judgement have now been published, but there was the hearing in Court 11 at the Old Bailey on 26th November and I do not know the result.

    So where do we stand now?


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