November 16th, 2010

Guido’s Misery Index : Britain’s Got the Blues

Dave wants us to have some kind of gross national happiness index, an idea Sarkozy has also pushed. Not sure if the government really has any control over our overall happiness, it seems to Guido that governments mostly cause unhappiness and can do little to make us smile. The national mood is cheered by things like good weather, Royal Weddings and sporting victories which are beyond the government’s direct control.

Ronald Reagan popularised the idea of a “Misery Index” initiated by the economist Arthur Okun, an adviser to President Lyndon Johnson in the 1960s. It was simply the unemployment rate added to the inflation rate.

Given the budget deficit is the biggest economic challenge the country faces today, Guido’s Misery Index adds on the government’s deficit divided by the GDP taken from the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics.

Retail Prices Index + Unemployment rate + ( Public Sector Net Cash Requirement / GDP ) = Misery Index

Plugging in the latest available figures for September 2010 gives you:

4.6% + 7.7% + (20.7 / 331.4 x 100)  = 18.55

The Misery Index has been steadily increasing since the beginning of the year. Misery rising even after Gordon has gone. Welcome to Tory Britain, it’s certainly blue.

N.B. Stats bods can check Guido’s adding up here.


  1. 1
    Shane says:

    Iain Dale makes me miserable – he only ever blogged in order to become and MP and now that has failed, he just does it in order to get a TV/Radio career.

  2. 2
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Poor Guido looking sad , UK has been a shithole for years , We have been taken over by the EU and there spawn

  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    20.7/331.4 = 0.063
    4.6 + 7.7 +0.063 = 12.36
    Or am I being thick?

  4. 4
    Marvin says:

    I find maths totally depressing.

  5. 5

    “Welcome to Tory Britain, it’s certainly blue”.

    I thought it was Coalition Britain.

    You really are a Tory, aren’t you Fawkes?

  6. 6
    Sophie says:

    Small state, low taxes, minimal laws.

    Real Conservative values.

    With such outlandish “third way” fuckwittery as this from Team Dave no wonder he is rapidly becoming a figure of ridicule amongst us real Conservatives over at UKIP.

    Blue Labour out.

  7. 7

    You are being a bit thick 20.7/331.4 = 0.063 is 6.3%

  8. 8
    alexsandr says:

    People not knowing there, their and they’re is what makes me miserable.

    Butnot as much as people writing ‘of’ instead of ‘have’. As in ‘I could of done with a beer last night’

    But the weather is what pisses people off. Having to go out this morning in freezing fog and scrape the car. Ugh!

  9. 9
    Rat's arse says:

    The fact is Guido that the vast majority of people are piggin miserable because we are reaping the whirl wind of the lousy rotten thirteen years of Labour stupidity, and what they did to this once great Country will make us suffer for decades to come.

  10. 10
    Sir William Waad says:

    It should be 18.55, not 18.55%, because it is not a percentage of anything.

  11. 11
    Jimmy Greaves says:

    Coalition Britian being blue would not make sense would it, I suppose it would have to be green.

  12. 12
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    it should be 0.063×100 to make it a percentage

  13. 13

    I get the same answer – i must be thick too…..

  14. 14
    Jimmy Greaves says:

    Ex boyfriend?

  15. 15
    SSDG says:

    The nations mood would be cheered if they just said, “there is a royal wedding” and never mentioned it agin until the day before it happened.

    FFS we’ve got a full f-ing year of this crap!

  16. 16
  17. 17
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Wouldnt you all be misrable if you knew you had EU Dave arsehole pissing your money away to the most corupt org ever ?

    What was it Dave said ? WE CANT GO ON LIKE THIS


  18. 18
    Mr Slater says:

    Norwegian Blue? I was devastated.

  19. 19
    Rat's arse says:

    I am crap at maths Sir Willy – just like McDoom, although I suspect even I could have done better than that Scottish idiot!

  20. 20
    lola says:

    It’s not that I’m unhappy, I’m not. I make a point of being perennially cheerful – being as how I’m a boss and all. And I have a great family and lots of fun. But what I am is absobloodylutely furious. I am puce with rage. I am a mass of quivering and apoplectic indignation at the fatuous hopelessness of the useless fucking gummint. It’s not a happyness index they want, it’s an angryness index. On that basis we are looking a minus quantities.


  21. 21
    Gordon Brown says:

    Math wasnt my strong point .

  22. 22
    Jade's Dead Brain says:

    Yeah, it’s just an index, ain’t it?

  23. 23
    Popeye says:

    I guess my miseries can only be solved if we get the EU millstone from around our necks. They need us more than we need them, so tell it to Brussels.
    Another one would be to stop overseas aid to China and India, they are both far more wealthy than us.
    Another one would be to get the stupid green lobby off our backs, if China can build a coal station every month, why the hell are wee tilting at highly subsidised windmills.
    That is only for starters, all Government inspired.

  24. 24
    Sunday Morning says:

    Why does Sarkozy want us to have a happiness index?

  25. 25
    Anonymous says:

    So, a bit thick, but a bit of Guido mixing numbers and percentages randomly in the same equation!

  26. 26

    You’re so cynical!

  27. 27
    Steve Miliband says:

    100% happy that Gordon Brown isn’t PM and we don’t have a Labour Govt

    Everything else, who cares

  28. 28
    Jacobi says:

    Yes, let’s never forget who caused the misery.

    I note that in Guido’s ‘Seen Elsewhere’ column Labour are still subverting democracy – “Buying the Scottish elections”.

  29. 29
    Jimmy Greaves says:

    The nations overjoyed – the BBC say so

  30. 30
    Reasons to be Cheerful says:

    We’d all be far more miserable if Labour hadn’t lost the election.

  31. 31

    This one falls at the first hurdle
    as soon as you mention Shortarsey
    i mean the French are over the fucking moon with him arn’t they
    rioting in the street burning buildings and he’s been in power for a few years !
    where as call me dave has got it off to a tee in six months

  32. 32
    annnnnoyperson says:

    Funny, but I was just thinking how happy I was feeling!

  33. 33
    Engineer says:

    You beat me to it, Sir William – 18.55% of what?

  34. 34
    dr. sipp says:

    ordering two aircraft carriers with no planes/bailing out ireland is making me suicidal

  35. 35
    Nick2 says:

    Hmmm… straight addition of percentages, no weighting. That’s rather like adding chalk and cheese.

    However, in the spirit of maximum (measured) misery, Guido should also include the LIBOR or similar. Although interest rates are low right now, when they start rising, however slowly, the pain induced in servicing debt will rapidly become felt.

  36. 36
    Eva Prawn says:

    Oh do stop whingeing. What about poor Kate? She has to wait another year to get right royally lanced by her knight in shining armour.

  37. 37
    Anonymous says:

    The BBC didn’t even manage to get the story on the red button for about two hours after the royal wedding announcement. Useless c*nts
    They were still banging on about the guantanamo shysters and the silly sailor couple who decided to head off into dangerous waters ruled by kidnapping pirates.

  38. 38
    Mr Plum says:

    Misery index = Number of soaps x number of reality shows

  39. 39
    Rose Penroger says:

    Guido, If a brick weighs a pond plus half a brick, how much do three bricks weigh?

  40. 40
    Ampers says:

    Happyness index, the number of politicians committing suicide

  41. 41
    Rose Penroger says:

    Oops, pond =pound

  42. 42
    Going to vote UKIP now says:


    Dave has been a big let-down.

  43. 43
    Mr Plum says:

    Should they just be called air carriers

  44. 44
    Gordon Brown says:

    It Started in America !

  45. 45
    Einstein's ghost says:

    Guido’s math is way out.
    20.7/331.4 = 0.063 is 100% and rising!

  46. 46
    Engineer says:

    How about a bemusement index? If we have one of those about current government directions, my rating would be Very High.

    Sort out deficit – yes, good idea – could you get on with it instead of faffing about with miniscule ‘cuts’?

    EU – whose country is this, ours? If so, would our government please stop allowing others to run it?

    Education – some progress, to be fair.

    Energy policy – have we got one? If so, why all this windmill nonsense?

    and so on….

  47. 47
    HowMuchwillItCost? says:

    He’s not his fathers son if he hasn’t done it by now.

  48. 48
    Engineer says:

    300% of a brick.

  49. 49
    In a singing voice, Mrs Dale says:

    I’m Super!
    Thanks for asking.
    All things concidered
    I couldn’t be better I must say.
    I’m feeling super,
    no nothing bugs me
    Everything is super when your…
    Don’t you think I look cute in this hat?

  50. 50
    Flag waver says:

    If it’s Coalition Britain it must be Blue and Yellow. Does that make it Sweden?

  51. 51
    Windy Milliband says:

    So many millstones, so little strength.

  52. 52
    What a piss take says:

    I know what i’ll do to make myself happy !
    I’ll start a fuckin charity
    we in this country are such a soft touch there must be 20 of these stupid shitty dumb charities springing up every month
    the latest one is for adopting a polar bear cub
    this year there isn’t enough food to feed her cubs just £3 a month will make sure they survive what you gonna do ?
    open a fuckin supermarket for polar bears ?
    go anywhere near one and it will tear you to fuckin pieces
    what they dont tell you is that only about 5p in the pound is all that the polar bears will ever get to spend on grub

  53. 53
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    One might note that per cent is out of a hundred.
    So 6 % = 6/100 = 0.06
    Unpleasant ant messy farting about that I’d hope folks doing real maths don’t do.

    Oh, and while I’m at it any story about the “mathematical formula for” is always a PR story.

  54. 54

    Oh, alright. But all the others were percentages so…

  55. 55
    streamfisher says:

    No comment but…

  56. 56
    sploogieforia says:

    yes but now the nation has a really lovely royal wedding to look forward to this index will shoot up and clang the bell of happiness…young will the peoples princess’s son gets his pretty clotheshorse wife and a legal legover regularly tucked away in wales…spare sheep everywhere so sex life should be lively. Well done the pair of them.

  57. 57
    What a piss take says:

    me too

  58. 58
  59. 59
    phd applied mathematics major says:

    00.316 surely given a standard margin of error variable

  60. 60
    Carl Sagan, astronaut says:

    ….. x number of pointless blogs = a number too high to define

  61. 61
    surveysrus says:

    britain’s mood ….shitty brown

  62. 62
    What a piss take says:

    A mathematician named saul
    had a hexidronomical ball
    the length times the weight
    of his pecker plus eight
    was four fiths of five eighths of fuck all

  63. 63
    BBC archive dept says:

    every time you apply your tongue to my ring mrs dale I fill my diary with an appropriate entry

  64. 64
    The Ape Man Commeth says:

    So the picture of the Scottish party drinks cheat is becoming clear to even those with the reddest of eyes.

    All the summits and get-togethers where the nobs network and hatch out their filthy deals and future plans the un-elected coward of Kirkcaldy was unable to impress anybody. They saw through the slimy bag of shit knowing that he had become one of them not through ability but by foul means and therefore promoted way, way beyond his limited capabilities he was of no use to any of them and probably gave him a wide berth whenever possible.

    So that now, despite his lies about working for charity when he stands down, he has been sitting in his poxy drum for six months waiting for a call from any big institution that will have him, but guess what, no one wants the deluded arsehole.

    Bruin you’re a joke, you fuc’ked this country with your lies, your secret cowardly deals, and your total incompetence; do us all a favour and resign.

  65. 65
    BBC archive dept says:

    you are

  66. 66
    jgm2 says:

    No. It makes it ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’.

  67. 67
    Nobby Hobbler says:

    What an unhinging movie that was. Quite shattering.

  68. 68

    Doh – now corrected.

  69. 69
    Chris Huhne says:

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.” The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!” The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!”

  70. 70
    Gordon Brown says:

    0% increase

  71. 71
    Mr L Orrydriver says:

    I would like to propose a new celebrity game show to improve everyone’s happyness.

    “Kill the MP” – imagine “The Running Man” with MP’s (i.e. actual criminals)

  72. 72
    Francistan has changed....a lot says:

    Ze frogs are among the biggest consumers of anti-depressants in the western world. So I suppose he will be able to show how ha ha happy frenchies are with their lot, even if it is chemically induced.

  73. 73
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    It could be a scale where 1 is a fixed point.
    Something like the triple-point of water of sadness.

    But thats crap too. How happy do you think Guido would be, if in a parallel universe, right now if “Public Sector Net Cash Requirement” were zero. not a jot. Perhaps as happy as a fluffy kitten on a soft bed on E.

    However, his figure would still show 12.3% miserable.

  74. 74
    jgm2 says:

    True. Unless you had shares in Pickfords.

  75. 75
    Tim Lovejoy says:

    Hi , My names Tim Lovejoy and i am a BBC legend , I am on one hand very happy and on the other i am sad , I am happy because of the Royal wedding and the happiness it bring , On the hand i am sad because it means the impartial BBC cant report the devastating cuts that this unelected goverment are doing and killing babies .

    Tim Lovejoy

    BBC legend at your expense Ker-Ching !

  76. 76
    rioter says:

    not enough to maim gordon permanently

  77. 77
    streamfisher says:

    Because he’s a dwarf.

  78. 78
    SSDG says:

    “He’s not his fathers son”

    You’re thinking of the other one.

  79. 79
    first class maths graduate says:

    if you are going to panda to the thickos Guido, at least make the equation correct (the “x 100″ which you’ve barbarically inserted should read “x 100%”).

    +++ Percentages ARE numbers +++

  80. 80
    Up sh1t creek says:

    In May I voted for a Conservative government, but got a Socialist one instead.

    I want a party that would give us a referendum on the EUSSR, but they ALL have reneged on that promise because it would upset their gravy train (see Channel 4’s Dispatches from 15/Nov/10).

    I want a party that completely scraps ID cards in the UK, but no such party exists.

    I want a party that forces visitors to the UK to use the cancer-inducing airport scanners that that country makes you use in their country, but we Brits have gutless politicians who care more about the foreigners than their own.

    I want a government that means what it says on public sector cuts, but there is no plan to massively cull middle management or the civil service.

    I want a government that stops paying “terrorists” compensation, but no such party exists.

    I want a government who increases interest rates immediately to 5%, stops stealing more money from savers by quantitative easing, and has show trials of those that created this mess, namely Blair, Brown, Darling and the BoE governor, but they are all colluding to keep themselves out of prison.

    How happy do you think I feel My Cameron?

  81. 81

    You know the hammer wielding ankle smasher. With that terrible conviction of .”.i know what’s good for you.”

    Reminds one of Harman.

  82. 82
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Because to get to the top of the happiness index you have to be married to a model. An italian/french one at that.

    Extra points for the how much taller than you she is.

  83. 83
    Sir Gordon says:

    That was the colour of the country after my election/rise to power.

  84. 84
    grin from ear to ear says:

    I have just enjoyed a very large pair of 38 double Ds and a warm smoooooth front bottom session and I’m very happy I thank you.

  85. 85
    jgm2 says:

    Yep. That debt should be mightily weighted. Although, since the entire purpose of quantitative printing is to ramp up inflation and inflate away the debt surely the inflation figure should be subtracted in some way from the debt figure.

    After all if they can inflate away the debt to the point where the debt is miniscule then they’ll have achieved what they set out to so. Hence low interest rates even with inflation well above target for what feels like at least two years now. The whole purpose ofLabour (and Coalition) economic policy is to manage the inflation and, in doing so, bring down that debt:GDP ratio.

    Hence Au at 1400USD an ounce.

  86. 86
    Gary Johnston says:

    Likely to vary up and down the country. I doubt it would dent the Sherry swigging Surrey farmer’s pleasent mood to know that 5,000 scouse call center workers were recently laid off.

    Why should politicians should take ownership of our mood. It’s my mood, MINE! Hands off, yer posh twat.

    I wonder how cheery all those Parisian rioters were.

  87. 87
  88. 88
    Osama the Nazarene says:

    Misery index of 18.55. IS THAT GOOD OR IS IT BAD? What we need is a trend so we expect to see regular updates to this index – please.

  89. 89
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    How much is the Kate and William wedding going to cost us mug taxpayers?

  90. 90
    jgm2 says:

    The Yanks would call ‘em HMS Pork and HMS Barrel.

  91. 91
    Bliarm Byrne says:

    Gordon Brown – “a man of colossal intellect” says Michael Shite of the now you know!

  92. 92
    don't some c'unts whinge says:

    you could have ended up with gordon and then really had something to whinge about

  93. 93
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    Weather Bird on Channel 5?

    She is well fit

    fap fap fap

  94. 94
    M says:

    M is for mind your own business!

  95. 95
    don't some c'unts whinge says:


  96. 96
    M40 says:

    and minge

  97. 97
    Mr Ned says:

    I am sick an fucking tired of hearing about this Royal wedding already.

    Hope they forget to invite the Yanks, they are developing quite a tradition of bombing wedding parties.

  98. 98
    Anonymous says:

    Unfortunately Guido’s maths is wrong and no commentators correctly explain the error. (To convert to a % divide by 100 not multiply by 100) Only proves readers of this site are both mathematically and liguistically challenged.

  99. 99
    Mr Plum says:

    Might upset the mussas

  100. 100
    Euripides says:

    Two puppets named Dave and Sarkozy
    Set out to convince all was rosy.
    An index they mooted,
    The people all hooted
    And realised their leaders were dozy.

  101. 101
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    thats another thing.
    Price of gold might be inversely proportional to optimism.
    If everyone starts smiling more, the price would drop. boo hoo hoo.

  102. 102

    I’ve pitched hangman to sky?

    Hosted by Davina and Vernon Kay.

  103. 103
    Wallace says:

    Sounds tasty, Gromit. Pass the crackers.

  104. 104
  105. 105
    Shelley says:

    UKIP are full of nutty old men who haven’t had it for years. Bunch of useless, red faced eyebulgers.

  106. 106

    About 3p each.

    I’m sure you can get a rebate, but whether you would still get a day off is debatable.

  107. 107
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    No, however the government and the BBC in particular, take everyone to be morons who need patronising.

  108. 108

    What happened to Yasminge? She’s gone awfully quiet suddenly.

  109. 109
    Mr Burns says:

    Excellent !

  110. 110
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    Battle Royale, 50 MP’s on a remote island, all have to fight to the death in 3 days, winner becomes PM for a term. All live televised like big brother.

  111. 111
    streamfisher says:

    Esp. the, God I love you!, at the end.

  112. 112
    jgm2 says:

    Just went to link ‘They Work for You’ and give you The Maximum Imbeciles details so you could send your carefully crafted letter to him and noticed this beauty that rather backs up what you were saying….

    Name of donor: Harvard University
    Address of donor: Massachusetts Hall, Cambridge, MA 02138, USA
    Amount of donation (or estimate of the probable value): return flights to USA; value £5,639

    Just as we thought. The useless fucker wasn’t even paid to talk when he went off to Harvard. Just using it for the free airfare and to accumulate a few airmiles and to stand in the lobby of the UN and talk utter cock. Oh, and the ‘net-working’ opportunities. Well, that clearly went well.

    Utterly incompetent. And the entire world knows it.

  113. 113
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    He’s started off by telling the French people that father christmas doesn’t exist, and that the tooth fairy aint coming.

  114. 114

    Typo. He meant “Colostomy Intellect”

  115. 115
    Lil Olmey says:

    All the intellect of a colostomy bag.

  116. 116
    Albi Here says:

    I this one of cast iron’s long term policys or one of his short term one’s,this so called happiness index ,I think we should be told,as they need to sack the idiot who thought it up,as usual these loons are still living and working in La La land and haven’t got a clue how real people are thinking,using a famous couple’s engagement announcement is not a way to start this index,as people’s boredom threshold is already low due to the constant insurance advert’s on itv and the every 5 minute non adverts on pravda.

  117. 117
  118. 118
    Mr Ned says:

    and the happy couple are giving their first exclusive interview to ITV! Fuck you BBC!

  119. 119
    The Court of Public Opinion says:

    Red Ed: “Ith ath plain ath cathd ironth bald thpot – what we need ith a right good thing thong to cheer uth all up”.

  120. 120
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    I just want an invite to be honest.

  121. 121
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    At least 6 tonnes.

    I wouldn’t call anything a pond unless it contained well over 1000 litres of water.

  122. 122

    “Through the wall. A retro game show based on the old Berlin Wall. Contestants have to beat the wall, wire, searchlights, dogs, watchtowers and mines to win their freedom.

    With Stuart Hall and the girl that isn’t Bleakley.

  123. 123
    Albi Here says:

    No just can’t be arsed,so were waiting for mr pedant himself to explain,the one and only Tuscan Tony,the problem is that he will be is testing his latest batch of wine in his vast wine cellars.

  124. 124
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    Has Lady Shite ever been right on anything?

  125. 125
    nell says:

    Very amused earlier when the news of the Royal Wedding broke to see that cameron and clegg made short appropriate public statements but a spokesman for militwit macavity II said red ed was on paternity and would, as a consequence, be tweeting his congratulations shortly.

    Obviously some of the older labour hands realised whan a mess he was making of it because two hours later he appeared in his garden and attempted to give a nearly statemanslike congratulations.

    What a twit.

  126. 126
    Ed Milliband says:

    Comwades leth march forwad for Sozalism andth for ath happthier Unifted Kingdfom.

  127. 127
    streamfisher says:

    Add to that happiness is a concept, a subjective state of mind, therefore impossible to mathematically quantify, liguistically (?).

  128. 128
    SaltPetre says:

    Wow…it must be a bitch to be you !

  129. 129
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    Raping bitches in his wine cellar more like, 5’0 clock, bitch raping time.

  130. 130

    Wassa’ matter Albi?
    Don’t the BBc’s millions spent advertising itself, advertising, that would be wrong. I meant ‘showcasing its talent’. Don’t those multi-million pounds clips of hot air balloons or a field or something and a cheery voice saying “Coming up its Holby city re-run extra eek out the budget. But now “Seaside rescue” make you feel all warm and gooey inside?

  131. 131
    jgm2 says:

    Ed obviously doesn’t consider marriage such a big deal. Like a lot of Labour voters and their client state.

  132. 132
    Steve Miliband says:

    A Blame Gordon
    B Blame Gordon

  133. 133
    EU RIP ides says:

    Get a room, FFS.

    Oh , you already have.

  134. 134
    Vladikavkaz says:

    6 ponds.

  135. 135

    Well, I don’t know you, but in the pecking order I’d say you were behind Helen Mirram but ahead of Gordon Brown.

  136. 136
    jgm2 says:

    I thought they had scrapped ID cards.

  137. 137
    Go on then give us a laugh says:

    Which one of the young royals getting married had the debilitating Sexually Transmitted Disease that has left them barren and sterile then?

    My money is on Kate or Catherine as she likes to be called these days.

  138. 138
    eric spock. says:

    The comments of sophie and shelly can be combined logically.

  139. 139
    David Laws says:

    Two gays are dancing when the one suddenly notices the other has an erection. He asks “What’s that about?” The other gay replies “I can’t help it, you dance like an arsehole.”

  140. 140
    jgm2 says:

    Get this – bogroll manufacturers paying 50K for an after dinner speech from Bla*r and Brown, addressing the richest university in the world, for the price of his bus fare.


  141. 141
    Ex Banker says:

    Greatest ponzi and money laundering scams in the world = Charities.

  142. 142
    Selohesra says:

    Bring back topless darts – that will boost my hapenis index

  143. 143
    jgm2 says:

    Get this – bogroll manufacturers paying 50K for an after dinner speech from Bla*r and Brown, addressing the richest university in the world, for the pr*ce of his bus fare.


  144. 144
    13eastie says:

    І dоn’t ѕее why іt саn’t ѕtіll bе саllеd а hарріnеѕѕ іndеx!

    Ѕurеly іt’ѕ juѕt а glаѕѕ hаlf full/еmрty іѕѕuе?

    Аnywаy, thеrе’ѕ fundаmеntаlly аn іѕѕuе wіth аddіng реrсеntаgеѕ (favourite trick of Dragon’s Den hopefuls) аnd І’d ѕuggеѕt саlсulаtіng а hарріnеѕѕ іndеx instead аѕ fоllоwѕ:


    Аll оf thеѕе hаvе vаrіеd аррrоxіmаtеly bеtwееn 0% аnd 20% (еxсерt tаx) ѕо thеrе іѕ nоt tоo muсh оf а wеіghtіng іѕѕuе аnd іt wіll аlwаyѕ gіvе а vаluе bеtwееn 0 аnd 100. (Маkіng thе bоld аѕѕumрtіоn thаt thе РЅВR wіll nоt еxсееd GDР!).

    Тhіѕ gіvеѕ 100*0.9540.923*0.6*0.938 = 49.55%

    Wе’rе рrеtty fuсkіng unhаррy.

    Fоr whісh mаny thаnkѕ, Gоrdоn.

  145. 145
    I cannot and will not forgive you Brown says:

    Make me happy Gordon Brown – go stick your head up a dead dogs bum

  146. 146
    edward balls says:

    what was your strong point Gordon?

  147. 147
    SQUEEEAK !! That's enough , Iain says:

    Dale’s column is worth taking in, though.

  148. 148

    I hope the government is making use of the unerring ability of the Guardian to be wrong on everything.
    Just ask Polly a question like, “Should the UK join the Euro?” and make sure to do the opposite.

  149. 149
    jgm2 says:

    Floating polo fields.

  150. 150
    Albi Here says:

    No Bill,they are CO2 timewasters of our tax money,we are forced to pay even if we don’t use pravda,time for them to go pay as watch and get rid of the tax then lets see how they can get back to the wonder years before the 1997 dictatorship.

  151. 151
    stun says:

    Guido, I think your Mar-10 GDP figure looks hooky..up 10% for the previous quarter….

  152. 152
    jgm2 says:

    Or cricket pitches. Although you wouldn’t want to be one of the stewards going round the back of the stand to fetch the ball from the car-park.

  153. 153
    Lil Olmey says:

    They bug your passport, though.

  154. 154
    jgm2 says:

    Does your passport need a tin-foil hat?

  155. 155
    chingrinner alert says:

    I agree with you very easy to work out and even labour tits could manage that.
    100* 0.554.355*0.8*0.667* = not a fucking clue

  156. 156
    Ghost of Princess Diana says:

    Hi Kate

    Congratulations. Having been in your position before, I have a little bit of advice to help you in your new life.

    1: Make sure your husband-to-be isn’t secretly in love with an ugly old horse.

    2: If your marriage ever fails, don’t date an arab man. You’ll just wind up in a tunnel one night.

  157. 157
    Ron's cafe M5 says:

    now we have a royal wedding in prospect my happiness factor is 100% …I will maintain that factor forever…oh the joy in my heart is boundless..well done wills give her one for the gipper

  158. 158
    jgm2 says:

    3. Always do up your seat-belt.

  159. 159
    chunkycheeks says:

    how nice hes given her princess margaret’s engagement ring….she would be so thrilled

  160. 160
    Anonymous says:

    Well I was feeling low. But then the Royal wedding was announced and I am now unbelievably happy. Feel as if I am walking on air.

  161. 161
    Royalwatcher says:

    yes was it the one given her by her husband Captain Townsbottom ?

  162. 162
    streamfisher says:

    And here it is.

  163. 163
    stun says:

    4. Don’t offer the driver One For The Road

  164. 164
    Half Man Von Rumpypumpy says:

    If we allow the euro to fail the whole European Union will disintegrate.

  165. 165
    kates a pheeeew says:

    no think it was Lord Snowcem who gave her one or was it that gardener chappie Roddy Fluellabenjamin

  166. 166
    David Camerons Bald Spot says:

    Hi Guys

  167. 167
    Tony Beak says:

    In the same vein:
    When I’m done with this series of Strictly, I hope the BBC commission a one-off, four hour special of Celebrity MP Hole In The Wall using bricks and mortar instead of polystyrene.

  168. 168
    stun says:

    (Oops, modded)

    4. Don’t offer the dr*ver one for the road

  169. 169
    Spot the dogging spot says:


  170. 170
    MR FIXER says:

    If we have to bail out the Paddies then they should be made to re-join the union.

    Obviously they can’t stand on their own two feet.

  171. 171
    Daddy's Little Princess says:

    I blame the parents. Would you let your daughter marry into “that” family?

    “One day she may be Queen”

    That’s what they told the last sucker!

  172. 172
    A dog called spot says:


  173. 173
    Spot the dogging spot says:


  174. 174
    The Court of Public Opinion says:

    Red Ed the union puppet: “Thplodgnethaboundth were my favourite band, but I never could underthdand why the girl in the thtop alwayth put an umbrella up when I athked for one of their recordth”

  175. 175
    u floss if you want to says:

    I blame the queen mother and her green teeth…far too pushy and eco friendly

  176. 176
    Anonymous says:

    Eggheads what a total stitch up – nothing like questions of equal difficulty – woops sorry thought this was the BBC website.

  177. 177
    Cassandra King says:

    Its funny how we are stony broke, no money to even buy a few jets for our carriers BUT when the euroslime comes a callin with their hands out then billions of pounds just appear like magic ready and waiting to be shipped to Brussels, no debate and no argument just cast iron Dave and his pet midget doffing their caps to the euroslime filth as they croon yessir nosir three bags full sir please take all the UK money and if you need more then just call sir.

    The UK bailing out the euro even though we are not in it and God forbid the coalition satraps ask our opinion eh? That will be cast iron Dave in action, flood the commissars with enough money and they might be nice to us, a cunning plan indeed?

  178. 178
    Gordon Brown. says:

    “Misery rising even after Gordon has gone.”


    It’s true what they say:

    You don’t know what you’ve lost until you had it!

  179. 179
    Tessa Tickles says:

    You are Osama bin Laden, a man with a plan, and I claim my £10.

  180. 180
    stun says:

    Could take in social mores too:

    Volumetric measurement of gob in football matches

    Jedward – what the fuck is that about?

    Ratio of arrested white English : poppy-burning Muzzies during national events

  181. 181
    John Bindon says:

    She was fitted up by my old bill.

  182. 182
    Tessa Tickles says:


  183. 183
    Engineer says:

    She’s stoned.

  184. 184
    strap a plank on my arse I'm going in says:

    not sure which but she had a hell of a ring thats for sure

  185. 185
    jgm2 says:

    Yeah. Come back Tony Blair John Major.

  186. 186
    What a piss take says:

    Bloomberg : Hedge fund managers in the city of London will be allowed to opt out of bonus caps !

    Go Dave Go !

  187. 187
    13eastie says:

    Erm, being of cabin-crew stock, I expect she’s already got that one down to a tee.

    (One good thing you can say about CPB: you don’t need to ask many questions to know she wasn’t an air-stewardess previously).

  188. 188
    What a piss take says:

    No Edward will be Queen before her !

  189. 189
    Moriarty says:

    They’ll be useful for bringing stranded air passengers back the next time Iceland explodes.

  190. 190
    Angry says:

    It’s not percentages or even a numeral index we need Guido. I suggest we have a pictorial representation of he index. The happier we become (according to your index); the happier the picture. When we are happy we could have pictures of; dwarfs dancing, boobies quivvering, grinning simpletons.

    At times of low happiness; Gordon, dog filth, Jeremy Kyle.

    Come on Guido put some artistic thought into it. At the moment all we have are more tractor stats. We want our happiness in easy to fathom pictorial form. I shall not rest until I am spoon-fed my own happiness.

  191. 191
    strap a plank on my arse I'm going in says:

    5. swallow

  192. 192
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Which is of course easier than it sounds because the French don’t believe in the tooth fairy.

  193. 193
    Derek Trotter MP says:

    She’s only got ‘er finger in ‘er ded muvva in law’s ring!
    Wot a plonker!

  194. 194
    streamfisher says:

    The security guy who got a lot of his face ripped off in the accident but survived was the only one wearing a seat belt, standard practice is they don’t wear seat belts so they can react quickly to any threat from outside the car, tells you something about the manic driving of Al Fayads chauffeur, no conspiracies.

  195. 195
    What a piss take says:

    Then he told them all to walk tall !

  196. 196
    jgm2 says:

    Yeah. Big tent city up on the deck. It’ll look like a floating Haiti.

  197. 197
    Lord Wayne of Trombone says:

    for me – the Paddies should have to rejoin the Free Ireland

    would make sense from a historical point of view

  198. 198
    jgm2 says:

    How will the Daily Express handle this now that every other newspaper will be printing pictures and stories about Lady Di for the next year?

  199. 199
    Sir William Waad says:

    Thinking about this ‘Misery Index’, suppose we had

    0% unemployment
    0% deficit and
    20% inflation?

    The misery index would be 20, yet we would surely be much happier than with the present 18.55.

  200. 200
    Arnold Proctor says:

    ‘Their’ not ‘there’ Billy FFS. You really do get on my fucking tits.

  201. 201
    jgm2 says:

    Aye, and that c*u*n*t of a brother of hers wouldn’t let RoSPA run a clunk-click ad using her name while it was all fresh in people’s minds and with Christmas coming up.

    Didn’t want to damage her reputation or somesuch shite.

    What a c*u*n*t.

    She off humping Ar*b playboys and him fucking anything with a pulse and he wants to start giving out about reputations. When in fact it would be a good thing if, in death, she’d inspired a few people to do up their seat-belt.


  202. 202
    Tessa Tickles says:

    He’s also wrong to say, “Given the budget deficit is the biggest economic challenge the country faces today”.

    I’d personally zoom in on the £4.8trillion de*bt catastrophe as the biggest economic challenge the country faces today. The £4.8trillion that Dave isn’t really bothering about.

  203. 203
    jgm2 says:

    Good point.

  204. 204
    Vi Agra says:

    Yeah, most of the limp dicked saddos on here would go for any level of inflation.

  205. 205
    Sir William Waad says:

    And talking of sums, most of us have an above-average number of legs.

    Most of us have two legs, but some people have one leg and others none. Nobody has more than two legs. Therefore the mean number of legs is 1.9something and most of us have more legs than that.

    The median number of legs is 1 and, yes, the mode is 2, so most of us do have a modish number of legs.

    Herman Rompy-Pompy, on the other hand, doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

  206. 206
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    I’d take Mr Fawkes’s use of numbers with a vast pinch of salt. Remember he said that Ireland’s economy would come out of the crisis before Britain’s on the basis of their December 2009 budget. Read the latest headlines to see how far from reality that was.

  207. 207
    Dermot O'Murmurhan says:

    We have to eke out the tax-payer’s hard-earned. Plus, the Eggheads swallow our budget anyway. Wish I was on 30k an episode.

  208. 208
    QWERTY says:

    The day that the fucking human shit Brown, Mandelmong and Campbell were booted out of Downing Street made me very happy.

  209. 209
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Like the Irish economy?

  210. 210
    nell says:

    A happiness index will work just fine as long as they don’t take in north of the border to fife.

  211. 211
    Sir William Waad says:

    Princess Margaret had a something in common with a land mine – you’d be mad to poke either of them.

  212. 212
    Royalist coffin-chaser says:

    I’ve got my candle, bunch of Tescos cut flowers, tent and Thermos ready. When’s the next weepathon, Guido?

  213. 213
    Dampner says:

    And when the next lot of self serving, EU cocksucking, expense thieving arseholes moved in, you must have wet ‘em!

  214. 214
  215. 215
    Royal Wdeddings? Humbug says:

    I’m happy too, all is well
    Inside this padded asylum cell.
    Nursey visits me on the hour
    Giving me medicine that tastes so sour
    Much of it spills onto my hospital gown
    Which is emblazoned with my name, Gordon Brown.
    So friends let me say to all of you
    It really was the right thing to do.
    I saved the world, ’twas me alone
    With no help from Ed, Alistair, or Tone
    This wedding, too, was proposed by me
    The Curse of Gordon available for all to see.

  216. 216
    Eggwina Curry says:

    I used to enjoy major come on my back

  217. 217
    Sir William Waad says:

    How about:

    Increasing employer’s national insurance in a bid to boost employment;
    Refusing child benefit to a single mother earning £45,000 a year but giving it to the ex-wife of a premiership footballer who receives £2 million a year in maintenance; or
    Increasing foreign aid in the teeth of a recession?

  218. 218
    Hanibal says:

    A lake.

  219. 219
    G.B. x-P.M says:

    1 hour later, and the index now stands at 18.72, due in part to the Irish Question, the Honest Answer, the Woolarse Fiasco, and the flooding of Obaba Beach.

  220. 220
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    After 13 wasted years under “progressive” Stasi Labour and six months of “progressive” coalition. I have watched the country become an authoritarian shithole, third world ghettos in inner cities, crime rampant in urban areas, government waste and stupidity piled upon government ignorance and arrogance, rule from a foreign country and virtually bankrupted.
    I think the “progressive” agenda, has told us all we need to know about “progressive” politics thank you. Maybe, just maybe, those old men you refer to, might just be on to something, after all.

  221. 221
  222. 222
    Victoria Meldrew says:

    I think the last time I smiled was 28th December 2001. :{

  223. 223
    Anonymous says:

    Guido,Not only are your maths not up to scratch (as pointed out by several contributors) but your english is pretty poor too. Why have you written 1960’s when it is a plural- i.e.1960s.

  224. 224
    Ewanme says:

    OMFG !!!!!

    Let’s face it , FFS .

    WE’RE all happy , ain’t we , honey ???

    If we wozn’t , we wouldn’t be sendin love notes to Gaydo , an that .

    We’d , probably , be out there stabbin someone up .

    E xx .

  225. 225
    Dave says:

    Thank f@*k it wasn’t with you Sally and I was spared from a dose of the Clap.

  226. 226
    Another late night sitting in the House says:

    Most MPs have slept with a bit of rough from the Mall.
    Local services for local people.

  227. 227
    Sarah says:

    So true nell, Gordon is only happy when he is miserable.

    PS why isn’t the coalition government prosecuting Gordon for £6 billion of electoral bribes?

  228. 228
    stun says:

    Slide off

  229. 229
    Mr Slater's Parrot says:

    K-SKKRRRRAAAARRKK!!! (scrittle) MOOOO! (ting)

  230. 230
    Hatty Harman is a joke. says:

    I am sure Ms Harman the joker will have some great one liners to cheer us all up with at PMQs tomorrow. What a riot that woman is.

  231. 231
    I fucked it's arse. How about you? says:

    We’ve all had a go on Sally. Just because she can’t remember it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.

  232. 232
    Samuel Peeps says:

    By sally’s own admission, the bit of rough that Dave came across was probably Sally pissed out of her head.

  233. 233
    Nigel says:

    I reckon Guido needs to use consistent periods. But like some of your thoughts – particuarly that this could just be the opposite of any happiness index.

    The misery factor for inflation could be the quarterly change in retail price index minus quarterly pay inflation (if stats are available this could be net wage to incorporate tax). Net cash requirement is spurious – the effects on misery will be in the future (I imagine misery would be high if tax was high but the government didn’t spend anything).

    The level of the number doesn’t mean very much without comparing it to previous levels or other countries.

    Other things which might be good to include:
    – Average delay on roads/public transport
    – Some measure of morbidity
    – A measure of poor quality education (% leaving school with no GCSEs?)
    – Some index of freedom

  234. 234
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    Get Von Rumpy Pumpy in their. Stuart Hall can then shout that immortal line “Hahaha look at the Belgian”.

  235. 235
    Axe The Telly Tax says:


  236. 236
    Fucked Off Well and Truly says:

    fuck off you moralistic k.unt

  237. 237
    Anonymous says:

    Answer on a postcard please

  238. 238
    Boy George Osborne says:

    There’s something about powerful women that leaves me gasping like a fish on a slab.

  239. 239
    I am even more miserable than before says:

    Same here, until It came to pass that Dave was even more pro Europe than Gordon

  240. 240
    Lady Gaga says:

    Put maggie in charge, she may be senile but she would still make more sense than cast iron Dave.

  241. 241
    Tone says:

    Where’s Mandy?

  242. 242
    Ed Millibank says:

    Where are all these unidexters hiding, Sir William? Surely the median, as well as the mode, for the number of legs is two – though your point about the mean number of legs is well-made.

  243. 243
    I cannot and will not forgive you Brown says:

    Fact. – Harman and the rest of the bastards kept Gordon Brown in power as he unleashed the Brown Terror

    As with Hitler if you were within the top Nazi power base you were a war criminal

    Therefore, all of those within the last Labour ‘government’ are at best proven incompetents or more likely Marxists intent on the destruction of society as it exists – either way they should not be M.Ps


  244. 244
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    If you want to know what percentage a is of b you divide a by b and multiply by 100.

  245. 245
    13eastie says:

    Ѕреаk fоr yоurѕеlf, Віll.

    І’ll bе рrеtty fuсkіng ріѕѕеd оff tо ѕее my ѕаvіngѕ/іnvеѕtmеntѕ/реnѕіоn ріѕѕеd аwаy ѕо thе gоvеrnmеnt саn dо а ѕtеаlth dеfаult оn thе nаtіоnаl dеbt.

    Іn fасt, І mіght brеаk оut thе fіrе-еxtіnguіѕhеr.

  246. 246
    Mr Nod says:

    Well, Obama at least has eraned a snub after all his anti-British insults.

  247. 247
    Trevor Philips - King of the Quangos says:


    You will be hunted down and prosecuted.

  248. 248
    Billy Bumbandit is the greatest bumhire ever ! says:

    I’m at my happiest when Dave and Gideon are hacking into and uploading gay porn onto my mobile.

  249. 249
    Single parents should be hung says:

    Pay for your own shit then you idle moraless k.u.n.t.

  250. 250
    Dave & Gideon Doth Protest You Stupid Oik says:

    Wanking into letter boxes is more our style of jolly japers actually…..

  251. 251
    Bled White Taxpayer says:

    There’s a much simpler Happiness calculation.

    53% of wealth “generated” in this country is due to the public sector (see Channel 4 recently). It is demonstrably unsustainable, even for GCSE maths.

    Net-takers of tax money are not allowed to express an opinion on national happiness, since they’re the leeches causing the rest of us to be miserable.

    Anything over 50% is by definition “total f*cking misery”.

    Anything under 15% would be “near total happiness”.

    You automatically get a temporary feel-good factor worth 10% when a Labour party fu*k-up takes up the front pages for a day or two – eg Woolarse, NUS riots etc.

  252. 252
    Queen Mangledmybum says:

    I’m having a new bridesmaid outfit measured up. Here’s hoping I manage to get off with best man, whoever that turns out to be.

  253. 253
    West Enders says:

    Unlike the opposion that voted overwhelmingly against such a patently obvious cooked up dog’s bollocks of a dossier of imminant Iraqi threats to Britain.

  254. 254
    Billy Bumbandit is the greatest bumhire ever ! says:

    They’re in government now you twat, and have gone upmarket. What an ignorant cuпt.

  255. 255
    NotW_Scumbag says:

    I want a party that doesn’t lick Murdoch’s arse at every available opportunity.

  256. 256
    Dave & Gideon Doth Protest You Stupid Oik says:

    And promised to match all of Labours spending plans LOL.

  257. 257
    Trinny says:

    So the misery index declines in times of deflation?

  258. 258
    Viva La Gordon says:

    In the Last Gordon years hev provided me with a brand spanking new car to replace my old banger, my parents got a new gas central heating system to replace their expensive storage heaters and our dodgy but lucrative investments in a dodgy bank in Iceland were saved.

    What the Fu*ck has Dave done?

  259. 259
    Engineer says:

    I don’t believe it…

  260. 260
    Increase your happiness index says:

    If you want a good laugh, listen to this very heated and entertaining radio interview with a student spokesman of the National Campaign Against Fees and Cuts. The presenter forensically tears him to shreds. The number of times the student mentions Bullingdon is hilarious.

  261. 261
    Dave & Gideon Doth Protest You Stupid Oik says:

    Once a Bullingdon Club member, always a Bullingdon Club member.

    Old habits die hard even when you run the country!

    Just ask Gideons nostrils why they are so powdery white all the time.

  262. 262
    Increase your happiness index says:

    The second part

  263. 263
    Engineer says:

    Our cousins over the pond enjoy “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”.

    Perhaps we should ask them if anybody has caught up with happiness, and if they have, what they’ve done with it? (Knowing the yanks, in all probability they’ve eaten it.)

  264. 264
    13eastie says:

    Іndееd, QWЕRТY.

    І tооk this photo that evening and it never fails to raise a smile.

  265. 265
    ddd says:

    Guido: Since you’re a fat ugly Hunt it should be a little bit higher for you…

  266. 266
    Dave is a Traitor says:

    Promised to pay Europe even more money

    Promised the pretend Universities that they can now charge £9 k a year for plastic degrees.

    Promised that we wil be out of Stan as it is a waste of life and money

    Promised that he will hold a referendum if Europe wants more powers

    Promised to sign up to a European defence force

    Promised to give terrorisys compensation

    The list goes on

  267. 267
    Tell it like it really is says:

    Twat surely

  268. 268
    Ikely More says:

    It just shows you the power of the Lizards.

    For as long as everyone remembers everyone dirving in Paris at night is half psised and dirves like a vicious arsehole who has to get home to defuse a ticking bomb. You see that. all a cover. And it fooled you lot.

  269. 269
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    You am what you is. Zappa.

  270. 270
    Ratsniffer says:

    Misery index = Amount of days Gordon McSnot and his labour shytes were in power x today’s value of the gold he flogged off cheap + the amount plundered from pension funds squared. (can’t do a little 2) result = utter misery for millions. Khunts.

  271. 271
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    Who isn’t posting?

  272. 272
    Shhhhhh!!! Don't mention Ireland or the Economy says:

  273. 273
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    Definition of ‘inflation’ required … When a government produces a new index, you know they have the skids under them.

  274. 274
    ethan knoll, hayes says:

    … or snorted it.

  275. 275
    nell says:

    This would top my happiness chart.

    hermanvonrompuy, poet, writer of japenese and latin verse, is worried that the eurozone may break up and that if it does the EU may disintegrate.

    Oh. Yes. Please!

  276. 276
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    There once was a fellow called Brown
    Who smiled like an incontinent clown.
    Ending boom and bust
    Was seen as a must
    As all the markets crashed down.

  277. 277
    Ginger rodent says:

    We ginger rodents can’t stand the bitch.

  278. 278
    The Queen is happy says:

  279. 279
    Pundit says:

    He’s tried to pay the money back that Gordon borrowed to buy votes.

  280. 280
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    Remember Peter Sellers. “I wish you a-penis.”

  281. 281
    Must get a pseudonym one day says:

    Lord Snowcem is just as likely to have given one to the gardener by all accounts.

  282. 282
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:


  283. 283
    Mike El Prick says:

    So the Tories are trying to get rid of the in-built Labour bias in constituency boundaries. It could be called gerrymandering.

  284. 284
    c.eng says:

    (No. of days Dave in office
    + National Debt in trillions
    x EU initiatives per month
    – endless weeks before the Royal Nuptials
    + days of Olympic games to be endured)
    to the Power of BBC propaganda

    = Eeyore’s exponential Gloom Index

  285. 285
    the paps and editors are happy says:

    and they are going to keep flogging this shit relentlessly till the British public is sick of it by the end of the week

  286. 286
    nell says:

    Won’t condemn smashing windows or chucking fire extinguishers off roofs! “’cause well y’know we were angry so it was justified wasn’t it?”

    Sounds like a kid denied his chocolate and throwing a tantrum. That’s what 13 years of labour education was about then.

  287. 287
    nazi uniform optional says:

    prince williams stag night?

  288. 288
    Hong Kong Fooey says:

    Less Government + less tax = more happiness. Simples.

  289. 289
    the public are getting sick of this already, wait till we've had months of this from the tabloids says:

    nell is buying a new turnip to celebrate and grovel like a medievil peasant

  290. 290
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    She does the whole business now: oral, anal, bj, missionary, titwank, threesomes, full blown orgy, strap-on, pole dancing, butter, frogmans, octopus, skydiving, cresta, small furry animals, no parachute, VAT, the lot (except Oaten).

    I know.

  291. 291
    It's Official! The heir to Blair is the biggest twat in the world says:

    “A great cheeer went up and a great banging of the table.”

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!

  292. 292
    Increase your happiness index says:

    The best bit was him saying “Bullingdon” and “Eton” repeatedly as though that was relevant. The presenter totally exposed him as an idiot.

  293. 293
    nell says:

    What I want to see is the man who wrote that dodgy dossier on trial for treason. Who was it, do we think, who cooked up the 45mins charade? bliar? alcampbell? scarlett? the cabinet secretary?

    scarlett threw his hands up in public and said ‘it wasn’t me’. The cabinet secretary wasn’t charged with writing and vetting the evil thing, so it most likely wasn’t him.

    Who do we think has the fictional nouse to come up with an imagined plot like that?

  294. 294
    Worthless Lib Dem pledge says:

    One criterion on the political front for depressing people is the promise for change from Cameron and Worthless Clegg then in contrast behave as badly or worse than McSlug. People’s expectations were increased for change: no more broken promises, stick up for UK in Europe, severely cut immigration numbers, clean up politics- the reality, they lied once again. House of Corruption needs to look at itself.

    MPs and Lords should be ashamed of themselves for putting their personal greed ahead of any national and constituency interest. Most of them do not have the personal qualities to hold public office.

  295. 295
    c.eng says:

    I s’pose he has to spout this crap, but shouldn’t Rumpy Pumpy have a say as well.

  296. 296
    Anonymous says:

    You know it. Especially if there were a bit of charlie left on it.

  297. 297
    Donkeys led by nell says:

    Who do we think has the nous to see through it?
    Certainly not Her Majesty’s loyal opposition.

  298. 298
    Happiness index is quantifiable says:

    Happiness is :-

    Listening to Zappa’s lyrics

    Knowing that you’ve never wasted your money on the huge con called ‘life’

    Having nothing

    A walk anywhere, anytime, any season in England

    Supporting Chelsea and seeing Sunderland stick three past them

    Giving up narcotics

    Watching the world go mad around you

    Not wearing a poppy

    Getting two questions right on University Challenge

    Reading funny people on order-order

    Voting Monster Raving Loony Party

    Eating every so often

    Not Vista

    Fuengirola to Caen in two days on a Honda 600 wearing an open face helmet and cheap sunglasses

    A good friend

    There to be had

    Fuck me. Why am I so miserable, then?

  299. 299
    Increase your happiness index says:

    Sally Bercow was absolutely ghastly on HIGNFY. She defended the loathsome Woolarse.

  300. 300
    nell says:

    I bet militwit macavity II’s happiness counter’s not too high tonight.

    First he gave a message for eid that wasn’t acknowledged anywhere except on labourlost. Then he smacks down aljohnson for suggesting labour would propose a cut in the 50p tax rate. Then he acknowledges he has named his son after his communist grandfather.

    Then he only appears belatedly ( 2 hours late to be precise) on camera to give labour’s grudging congratulations on news of the royal engagement, and only then after the labour elders realise he’s made a complete pig’s ear of it, by ignoring it, and make him make a proper public acknowledgement as labour ‘leader’.

    Sulky and truculent is how he comes across , just like an ill at ease, rebellious teenager.

  301. 301
    Raving Loon says:

    When a loaf of bread is £100,000 I think you might pipe up and complain a bit!

  302. 302
    nell says:

    How much did they pay her for that appearance? And would they have been prepared to employ her if she wasn’t the wife of the squeaker?

  303. 303
    nell says:

    Bless al. You don’t answer the question though.

    Who did write the Dodgy Dossier ? And who especially wrote that fictional imaginative little bit about wmd at 45 mins? Hmm?

    It wasn’t bliar. It wasn’t scarlett. It wasn’t the cabinet secretary.

    That narrows it down a bit doesn’t it?

  304. 304
    Worthless Lib Dem pledge says:

    I agree with Up Sh1t Creek. I voted Tory to get McSlug out of office. Objectively, at a comparative stage in office Cameron and Clegg have proved worse than Brown- I thought that was impossible to achieve. I hate to think what they will be like in three years time- I suspect we will be part of a European state.

    Cameron and Clegg have actually achieved nothing for the UK and have only acted in the interest of Europe, immigration bankers and asylum seekers. They currently appear more corrupt in appointing family/friends to government and are turning a blind eye to those who still fiddle. Those found guilty of fiddling have not faced a court appearance but have been given a parachute payment until they find employment or become a SPAD for a minister!

    Banks should be separated (investment from commercial and retail banking as before) under the Steagal and Glass? system. The banks could go back to taking as much risk as they want and pay as much bonuses as they choose, if they take too much risk they go bust without affecting commercial or retail banking. This in itself acts as a stern regulator without the cost of any bureaucracy or quango.

    Ofgem and Ofwat total waste of money. Prices rise faster than inflation without a blink of an eye, the infrastructure of the services are as bad now as they wever were. Two quangos that would not be missed. They do not protect the consumer’s interest but that of the share holder. Dismally a lot of them are owned by foreign companies.

    I think I have seen enough of Cameron and Clegg to have made my mind up not to vote for them again.

  305. 305
    streamfisher says:


  306. 306
    Atlas shrugged says:

    The national mood is cheered by things like good weather, Royal Weddings and sporting victories which are beyond the government’s direct control.

    Yes indeed these the usual bread and circuses stuff can contribute positively to the public mood, however there are clearly many other factors.

    Like for example DRUGS hypnosis, or other methods of even more subtle mind control.

    The government has long since possessed various covert methods to disperse certain substances, shall we say, into for example, our atmosphere, food or water supply to make us feel as happy as Larry, when in reality we should be feeling as miserable as sin, and visa-versa. To what extent they are using them, it is very difficult to say for sure. Although there does exist some degree of evidence that they are already doing so at this very moment to some extent at least.

    Could this simply be some kind of official measurement of our reaction to these substances? Maybe, who knows? However it makes sense that if they are it would be good for them to get us to pay for their own research.

    Other types of mind-control have been used for centuries, mainly involving the mass media or the established church. However it is true to say that these more traditional methods are now at saturation point, while the use of subliminal messaging on government propaganda outlets such as the BBC is still advancing at a rapid and subtle pace.

    Please be reminded that it is far easier to make people feel unhappy or angry then it is to make them feel happy or contented, however there is no doubt that both can be used, have been used, and are very likely still being used to control the minds of the masses.

    Pre-warned is I hope, Pre-armed. Although of course people are in general far too mind controlled to pay any proper attention to well meaning practical advice.

    Therefore, I look forward to the usual tin-hat and lizard man comments, with great anticipation.

    The more likely reason is this.

    The proverbial they know we are angry, what is more they know we are going to get a whole lot more angry in the future, when we finally work out the full breath and length of the garden path both sides of our political class have so dishonestly lead us up. It is prudent therefore that they keep tabs on exactly how angry we are in general, and more importantly where this possible extremely violent anger is more likely to break out.

    In other words Guido is right. This is not in reality a measurement of our contentment, but far more a relative measurement of our growing discontent.

  307. 307
    David Cameron, inspector of the Royal bedsheets says:

    A great banging of the cabinet table erupted.
    If only Kate was here.

  308. 308
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Hmm plain wrong, on two counts.

    “To convert to a % divide by one hundred”
    If half the people in a room are women, the number is 1/2 = 0.5
    0.5 /100 = 0.005%

    An entirely different way of seeing a percentage is to note its like “pour cent”, so almost means “hundredths”. so when you say 20 per cent you are actually saying 20 hundredths. You multiply 20 hundredths by 100 you get a totally different number.

  309. 309
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    Happiness is getting your comment posted without the A-M taking an automatic dislike to your m*niker. By contrast, I am very happy, notwithstanding. (Presses ‘Submit Content’ and gets the same result.)

  310. 310
    Dack Blog says:

    ‘This is my ‘depressed stance.’ When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.’ (Charlie Brown).

    I say we have a ‘Charlie Brown’ protest. He never needed a bloody fire extinguisher. He just stood sad. We should gather at Parliament and strike a depressed stance pose. Like those t-mobile ads but sadder. A flash mob of misery. There’s nothing like seeing how glum everyone else is to make you feel better.

  311. 311
    Anonymous says:

    Who cares who fucking wrote it!
    I only care about the mongs who backed it.

  312. 312
    Dack Blog says:

    Blimey and there I was worrying about fluoridation.

  313. 313
    Dr David says:

    Wasn’t it Campbell?

  314. 314
    stilyagi_air_corps says:

    You need a challenge. I’d suggest Slackware. Praise “Bob”!

  315. 315
    Green with Envy says:

    Could be worse, you could be Irish! What price a United Ireland?
    Gerry Adams an Irish MP . Rats joining a sinking ship but saves us £60k

  316. 316
    Anonymous says:

    Olli Rehn, the EU economics commissioner, said escalating rhetoric in Europe was turning dangerous. “I want to call on every responsible European to resist the centrifugal tendencies and existential alarmism.”

  317. 317
    nell says:

    I bet militwit macavity II’s happiness counter’s not too high tonight.

    First he gave a message for +*ei* d that wasn’t acknowledged anywhere except on labourlost. Then he smacks down aljohnson for suggesting labour would propose a cut in the 50p tax rate. Then he acknowledges he has named his son after his communist grandfather.

    Then he only appears belatedly ( 2 hours late to be precise) on camera to give labour’s grudging congratulations on news of the royal engagement, and only then after the labour elders realise he’s made a complete +*pi+ g’s ear of it, by ignoring it, and make him make a proper public acknowledgement as labour ‘leader’.

    Sulky and truculent is how he comes across , just like an ill at ease, rebellious teenager.

  318. 318
    Quick way to cheer up says:

    Remember: whenever you feel depressed, just watch this and it’ll do you the world of good.

  319. 319
    nell says:

    Oh Dear modded. Why? Was it something do with the fact that sally and money were mentioned in the same sentence?

  320. 320
    TAT IS A FUCKWIT says:

    RELEVANCE ? i posted this last week when it was TAT !

  321. 321
    Mike Hunt says:

    The whole world knows, apart from Liebour voters, but they are a bit thick.

  322. 322
    JOHN BERCOW squeeker in the house says:

    “We have all slept with a bit of rough”
    me more than most i’m afraid

  323. 323
    Destry rides again says:

    Now now nell, remember you’re a lady.

  324. 324
    If you can't think, then you can't come up with the answers says:

    The poor are kept poor and stupid for a reason.

  325. 325
    nell says:

    cambell. Yes of course it was.

    Next question for 10 . Who was it that harassed Dr David Kelly to his death?

  326. 326
    Fucked Off Well and Truly says:

    Firstly, Iio – Rapture – Creamer & Stephane K mix – glorious

    Secondly, no matter what shit these bastards throw at me THEY WILL NEVER GET ME!

    I don’t care about misery/ happiness factors – it just shows how shallow these political bastards are. They’ve fucked the country and they’re trying to fuck us – well, I’m having none of it. They can go fuck themselves. They will not have my inherent humanity. They will not get it. These lousy self aclaimed elites are no more than the shit on my shoe. Blind faith in political leaders will get you killed – none so true as today – so FUCK OFF all politicians, all celebrities, all nere-do wells, all warmongering fascists. I don’t care about you NOW LEAVE ME ALONE

  327. 327
    nell says:

    Oh Dear modded again.

    mentioning drdavidkell+ ly and bada lcampbell in the same sentence is obviously also forbidden.

  328. 328
    "Bob" says:

    *almost inaudible ripple*

  329. 329
    JOHN BERCOW squeeker in the house says:

    TaT exposed in Guilford

  330. 330
    Maximus says:

    That I would call happiness.

    This I would call misery:

    (h/t Richard of the Little John)

  331. 331
    JOHN BERCOW squeeker in the house says:

    EU farm subsidies see who benifits
    Call me Dave’s father in law £270,000
    Prince Charles £130,000

  332. 332
    The coalition blues says:

  333. 333
    nell says:

    That’s very kind of you. But you do know don’t you that harpyharriett has decreed that the word lady is un pc and not to be permitted in common usage.

    You may, according to her, call a woman, a woman, or indeed many other things, but you may not call her a lady.

  334. 334
    Poor Bill says:

    How about Political Three way British Bulldog ?

    With real bulldogs and real bulls !

  335. 335
    A horse's arse by any other name says:

    Rest assured, the last thing we would call you is a lady, nell.

  336. 336
    nell says:

    No sorry. Being poor does not make you stupid. Anyone who has any brains can dig themselves out of that hole.

    And don’t go thinking that those long term benefit cheats that labour created are stupid. They are far from it. They know every dodge and how to milk the system for every penny.

    Let’s not forget gordon wrote a book, whilst in uni, explaining in great detail, how to exploit benefits.

    It’s what labour does.

  337. 337
    Nana the greek says:

    Even when you live in the sun there is nothing to feel elated about if the country is in the EU

  338. 338
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Evening windowlickers , See its free go on internet in homeless hostels .

    Last warm up match England v Aussies A starts 2300 sky sports 1

  339. 339
    Non, Je ne regrette rien says:

    “They know every dodge and how to milk the system for every penny.”

    Does that remind you of anybody?

  340. 340
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I blame the French !

  341. 341
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Fuck the EU !

    And Fuck off Dave you EU arse licker

  342. 342
    AnotherAnon. says:

  343. 343
    Empty says:

    Hey Dave,

    Wed all know your a regular here, so here’s an idea for saving a third of a billion quid without trying: Scrap 30% of public transport – the 30% that no one uses.

    My kids and I have a game when we are out; try spotting a bus with more than three passengers on it. It’s less than one in ten where I live, and in every city we travel too.

    That’s busloads of wasted cash subsidising public transport that no one uses out of hours, and loads of pollution to boot.

    Scrap buses, bring in people carriers, take people door to door. They can manage it in Africa India and Asia. Amazingly, it works.

  344. 344
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Is it against the rules ?

  345. 345
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Nell , With respect , I disagree , How about society changes and hires people with illness and disabilty ? They wont . Its not the only the sick and disabled have to change but the rest off us as well !

  346. 346
    What you wont hear on the news today says:

    Good evening here is the news. Buckingham palace have announced the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton. No date has been set for the wedding as yet but it is expected to take place sometime next year. Meanwhile other news today….

  347. 347
    Anonymous says:

    HMS White elephant

  348. 348
    smiley happy people says:

    Ahhh yes that’s much better thanks.

  349. 349
    nell says:

    Billly are you suggesting that people with disabilities are stupid and incapable of doing anything more than living off benefits?

    Because if so I beg to differ and I have first hand knowledge of people with disabilities.

    Many of them, given the chance are not only as capable as you or I mentally, despite what labour has told them for the past 13 years, they are more capable of doing worthwhile jobs and many of them are doing just that.

  350. 350
    Parasites & Tiaras says:

    Scrap the Royals.

  351. 351
    Turnip Watch says:

    nell you have the IQ of a Turnip.
    All you ever do on this blog is regurgitate the opinions the Daily Mail and Dave tell you to have. Dave is even richer than his hero Blair but they are both still very stupid Hunt’s.

  352. 352
    White Van Man says:

    For anyone who missed it.

  353. 353
    Non, Je ne regrette rien says:

    Leave the Royals alone!
    Just take back what they’ve thieved from the nation.

  354. 354
    nell says:

    Oh. Yes.Lets.

    Let’s have prezza and his and his longsuffering wife, as president of the uk, residing in Buck House, Their ‘lovely’ son david, that one who made all that money from his father’s ministerial position in charge of social housing, should be given Windsor Palace .

    Oh wait a minute there’s an even ‘finer’ possibility! Let’s appoint the bliars as our presidential family. Within 3 months of them being in office, we’d find the treasures of the nation being sold off cheap on ebay, not for our benefit but for theirs.

  355. 355
    nell says:

    When anyone says ‘ you have the IQ of a turnip’ it generally means their own IQ is even lower.

    Try posting something a little more intellectual. You might find it uplifting.

  356. 356
    nell says:

    God bless the dead troops!

    ++LAUGHS++ Only joking of course as I don’t give a shit about them now it’s my hero Dave’s problem.

  357. 357
    Farmer Dave says:

    Never mind nell, the IQ of a turnip is what we count on.

  358. 358
    13eastie says:
                     from the real 13eastie:



  359. 359
    nell says:

    You don’t know too much about farming obviously. But then that’s what we came to expect from labour.

  360. 360
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    I thought they’d been private since the 80s. Apart from in London. And some rural routes.

    people carriers going door to door. yep seen them in britain. it works.

  361. 361
    nell says:

    You blame the french? For sally’s little preferences?

  362. 362
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    No Nell , But some firms wont hire a disabled person , What i was saying is that we all have to change a bit .

  363. 363
    nell says:

    10.58. Hi al

    You’re stealing monikers again you pathetic, lazy parasite.

  364. 364
    Farmer Dave says:

    How many achers do you tend nell?

  365. 365
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Seconded !!!!!!!!!!

  366. 366
    disgruntled says:

    I miss the days when Guido helped shape the media narrative – ie. do some of the dirty work that Tories won’t. An arrogant labour party led by the Milliband clone with the weird voice should be low hanging fruit.

  367. 367
    The Royal Flange says:

    Future generations will finally have a Queen they can fap to.

  368. 368
    nell says:

    Ah. Quite right Billy. But things are changing and lots of disabled people have found their niche in the job market.

    As you say it needs more of to do our bit in helping things along.

  369. 369
    nell says:

    achers sweetie? D’ya mean acres?

    My days of baling hay and hoeing beet are over.

    But when it comes to farming it’s not the acreage you own, it’s the value of the crop per acre that counts.

  370. 370
    Gordon Brown says:

    Britain would be happy if I was still prime minister. Thank you, uh and goodbye.

  371. 371
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Can we stone Brown ?

  372. 372
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    O/T England to bowl first

  373. 373
  374. 374
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Fuck off and die you Hunt

  375. 375
    Farmer Dave says:

    Or the equivelent EU payment for set aside.
    Fancy a bit of human excrement spreading?

  376. 376
    Yazzbean Alibi Drown says:

    I’m reporting everyone in the galaxy to the police.

  377. 377
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Eugenics for labour voters ?

  378. 378
    Gordon Brown says:

    My favourite pudding is spotted dick.

  379. 379
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    O/T Evening all

  380. 380
    Homer Simpson says:

    If we’re going for a disfunctional family to represent the nation, can we really do any better?

  381. 381
    Billy's Mum says:

    Goodnight Billy.

  382. 382
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Shit , I thought you was dead .

    Oh eck

  383. 383
    Suggestion for raising the happiness index says:

    Drag Brown, Blair, Campbell and MandelHunt, bound and gagged, into the middle of a street and let people stone them for three hours. If anyone complains, we’ll just say we’re Muslim and to stop us would be against our human rights.

  384. 384
    Anonymous says:

    Well Fatty Fawkes

    This is intellectually really feeble stuff.

    It might fool some of your fans but it doesn’t add to your reputation as a kosher pizza lover ……

  385. 385
    Cheech and Chong says:

    He’s been stoned for the last thirteen years Man!
    Isn’t it time he had a large glass of orange juice?

  386. 386
    Guido Twits says:

    25 minutes ago: “Good day today; being sued by an axe-killer for defamation,denounced by Socialist Worker and met Duran Duran’s Nick Rhodes. He is tiny.”

  387. 387
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Tremlett 4-1

  388. 388
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Nah give him something stronger

  389. 389
    13eastie says:

    I’m assuming the PSBR was included to make sure fears over future taxation and inflation were not overlooked.

  390. 390
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Guido , Can you ever go and Manslaughter a old lady , if so i aint heard that phrase .

  391. 391
    A Public Information Message says:

    Go home, Muslims, go home. You don’t belong here.

  392. 392
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Nah saw the posts at the bottem so threw something random in .

  393. 393
    Gordon Brown says:

    Saving the world, being rampantly heterosexual and taking good care of nokias.

    I am also very good a plop-plops and fizzy drinks

  394. 394
    Just Saying' Like says:

    Epic fail Guido. You shouldve rounded down. It’s 0.062! I expect a t-shirt for this at least.

  395. 395
    Turnip Watch says:

    Don’t worry nell, Daily Mail retards like you live in a constant state of denial so it hardly matters that you are completely oblivious to your own idiocy.
    The only thing you find uplifting is scapegoating those who the Daily Mail and Cameron tell you to. Because you are a good little drone.
    You just can’t help it dear. You’re incapable of anything better than that.

  396. 396
    White Van Man says:

    That’s probably an oxymoron.

  397. 397
    White Van Man says:

    The biggest dick I’ve ever spotted was Gordon Brown.

  398. 398
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Intresting …………

  399. 399
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    If labour voters where wiped off the map would we be in a better place ?

  400. 400
    Osborne considers Billions in Irish Loans says:

    So much for austerity and cutting our own deficit.

    Cameron and Osborne are the EU’s lapdogs.

  401. 401
    Osborne considers Billions in Irish Loans says:

    Too late!

    Cast Iron Cameron has sold Britain out again.

  402. 402
    PMQs says:

    Is Milibot back tomorrow or will it be Calamity vs Dromey again?

  403. 403
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Need the 3rd umpire for that lad .

  404. 404
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Prepare the lamposts !

  405. 405
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    He was the future once

  406. 406
    Billy Bumbandit is the greatest bumhire ever ! says:

    Too many double spaces to make any sense I’m afraid.

  407. 407
    White Van Man says:

    Eugenics is a long process of improvement, you can’t polish a turd Billy.

  408. 408
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    England look good , Monty looking sharp* .

    In the field *

  409. 409
    Oh. Yes.Lets. says:

  410. 410
    JOHN BERCOW squeeker in the house says:

    great ! Bring it on !

  411. 411
    White Van Man says:

    €ugenics is a long ρrocess of improvemeηt, yoυ caη’t polish a tυrd Billy.

    Just been Modded ???

  412. 412
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Isint that what diesise is ? Sickness

  413. 413
    Busted Nokia says:

    totally agree – found the royal correspondent particularly nauseating on radio 4 this evening. I had forgotten how awful royal weddings really are – brought back memories of the classic “whatever love really means”

  414. 414

    Just because it is within the rules does not make it right
    it is within the rules of an organization that nobody voted to be in
    or who’s leaders are unelected
    it was within Sadams rules to murder anyone who did not agree with him
    it was in the talibans rules to execute women and children for letting themselves get raped by men or for showing their face in public
    it might be within the rules
    but it still doesn’t make it right !

  415. 415
    Oh dear oh dear oh dear says:

    What a disappointment. Logged on after a hard day providing the tax for meeja students, expecting to enjoy the latest verbal thrashings of the post march left wing nutters; and almost nothing. What’s up? Countdown still on? Or a bit exhausted after all that walking and spelling. Come on. What do I pay my tax for? Get thrashing, you lazy doomed prats. And don’t spare the sophistry or the profanity please.

  416. 416

    What happened to Call me Dave’s Big election promise
    in europe not governed by europe ?
    seems to me he is an EU yes man
    who agree’s to everything they want
    come to think of it has he kept one promise that he made pre election ?

  417. 417
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Scrapping id cards

  418. 418
    jgm2 says:

    It’s what the Fabians would have wanted. Unfortunately, rather than becoming chisel-jawed Teutonic Gods with towering intellects they’ve become fat, velvet-trouser-suit wearing, greasy haired plankton.

    Somebody must have tossed out the wrong test-tube.

    It’s like ‘Twins’ with Arnold Schwartzeblack and Danny De Vito.

    We’ve got all the De Vitos. Fuck knows where all the Arnies are. Living on an idyllic island in the pacific maybe. Certainly not in the Labour ghettoes anyway.

  419. 419
    jgm2 says:

    I believe that the way they do it now is just stand the condemned in a hole and back up a lorry load of rocks and tip it on top of them.

    Is*am. Traditional. But with a contemporary twist.

    It’s what God would have wanted.

  420. 420
    Phil Woolas (ex MP) says:

    Good fucking christ, does this mean we are to be bored fucking witless for the next 50 years with the antics of a pair of inbred shitheads posing for the dimwitted forelock tugging halfwits, lets hope she’s as good a mother as her inbreed husbands was and ends her days in a tunnel while her kids are crying out for their real mother and not some lackey who is paid to mind them while she gets fucked all over europe by some fucking arab, dirty attention seekinf fucking ho.

  421. 421
    Oh dear oh dear oh dear says:

    YouGov shows a five point Labour lead

    Following two YouGov polls in a row showing a two point Labour lead, today’s voting intention figures are CON 37%, LAB 42%, LDEM 10%.

  422. 422
    James Hewitt (Household Cavalry) says:

    Want to buy some letters?

  423. 423
    Nanny says:

    Calm down dear!

  424. 424
    The real oh dear oh dear oh dear says:

    Bless you. I can now get some rest before another day’s toil, so you’ll have some beer tokens to spend. And you can check those Kleenex supplies. A bientot my little work-shy forger.

  425. 425
    One down Three more to go says:

    The Euro’s fucked, and I’ve never been happier!

  426. 426
    Oh dear oh dear oh dear says:

    Bless you my camp little toryboy twat. I can now get some rest before another day’s toil, safe in the knowledge that social outcast twits like yourself living off mummy and daddy are soiling themselves in fear as their tory masters look set for disaster. And you can check those Buttplug supplies. A very British goodbye my little French parasite fuckwit.

  427. 427
    LAB 42%, CON 37%, LDEM 10%. says:

    Calm Down dears! It’s only 6 months since the election.

  428. 428
    Murdoch's Grasping Claw says:

    Keep us posted on the cricket. Ta.

  429. 429
    Osborne considers Billions in Irish Loans says:

    Let’s pay for the Pad.dy Bankers. It’s only fair.

  430. 430
    The real oh dear oh dear oh dear says:


  431. 431
    When Oirish eyes aren't smiling says:

  432. 432
    jgm2 says:

    Good-ho. Still another 4 1/2 years before the economy-wrecking lunatics get a shot at practising being grown-ups again.

  433. 433
    The real oh dear oh dear oh dear says:

    Only an ignorant fool would use such a crass phrase as Gotcha. What a disappointment. Try harder little troll.

  434. 434
    Calamity Clegg says:

    I might even last another 6 months.

  435. 435
    John Prescott says:

    Go compare!

  436. 436
    Purple rage says:

    My angryness index hit the roof several months ago and seems stuck up there too.

  437. 437
    Fairy Nuff says:

    No wonder French kids are so unhappy then!

  438. 438
    Jack Dromey says:

    Happiness is a whore called Harriet. The wild frigg-er.

  439. 439
    Fairy Nuff says:

    Have you noticed, Stun, that spitting on the pitch only happens in the premier league? Watch a match in the lower divisions and you rarely see anyone spit. Must be all these bloody foreigners who brought the habit with them (like diving, rolling around in agony every 2 minutes, yelling at the officials etc).

  440. 440
    Fairy Nuff says:

    How about making the trains run on time as well?

  441. 441
    Fairy Nuff says:

    Bloody L. That one on the right is very scary!

  442. 442
    Lord Michael Caine says:

    Yawn! The fire’s gone out of this blog Guido.

  443. 443
    Oldybutgoldy says:

    Dey woz called taxis when i woz yung

  444. 444
    Susie says:

    Yeah… I noticed that too.

    Blair managed 10 years before we realised he was a money-grabbing Huhne, Dave’s lasted barely 6 months. Not good.

  445. 445
    Susie says:

    Totally agree.

    Maggie on one of her a bad days would knock Dave into the stratosphere, imagine her going into action against Von Rumpy… oooooh!

  446. 446
    True? says:

    A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..
    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
    Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bill.
    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
    Then Bill says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
    “You’re a Member of Parliament for the British Government”, says Bill.
    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
    “No guessing required.” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep…
    Now give me back my dog.

  447. 447
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:

    They Work For You ???????

    Yet more doublespeak.

    What work has this clown ever done? And especially since the election?

  448. 448
    The Orwellian Undercroft of New Labour Doublespeak says:


    You just couldn’t make this sort of stuff up, could you?

    No wonder we got into the biggest financial and economic hole ever with his lot in charge. Wonder where his “degree” is from?

  449. 449
    C Darwin says:

    Did you start in America ? (Obviously not in Cape Cod.)

  450. 450
    C Darwin says:

    Like Mussolini.
    Apparently he managed to make one run on time.

  451. 451
    Lil Olmey says:

    Hear hear.
    May the Eurocrooks rot in hell – and soon.

  452. 452
    PCPlod says:

    Guido Fawkes, move along to the next item please.

  453. 453
    I heard it on the it MUST be true says:

    No we wouldn’t …….Labour wouldn’t have made any cuts and we’d all be living in the LaLa land of endless government handouts and golden tomorrows all overseen by that Great Leader and Economic Father of the World…Gordon. Spend ! Spend! Spend!

  454. 454
    two's company, three's a crowd says:

    Is William thick or something? His Mum complained about there being three in her marriage and he goes and gives kate Di’s engagement ring so that there can be three in their marriage.

    Not a good idea at all

  455. 455
    albacore says:

    Well, now, here’s an hilarious kettle of fish that must be raising a select few happiness indices like nobody’s business.
    Shame Ken’s keeping shtum so that we can’t all share the punch line.
    Still, that’s the whole point of a shaggy dog story, innit?

  456. 456
    Mr Plum says:

    Caught a bit on radio 4, one mp suggested that blair was to blame and should pay the detainees out of his money he has made since retiring as pm.
    A windfall tax on blair would surely up the happiness index and give the tories a poll boost.

  457. 457
    smoggie says:

    The new biometric passport “swipes” you in and out of the country whether you show it or not. Wrapping it in foil is not a bad idea for us tax-dodging folk.

  458. 458
    Ayesha Hazarika says:

    I’ve written more great jokes for PMQs. If you liked my freshers week gag from last week, you’ll love the ones today. I’m so funny.

  459. 459
    Gordon Brown says:

    Would it make you all happier if I killed myself?

  460. 460
    Che Guevara says:

    It’s quite revolutionary handing yourself in to the pigs when you get into a spot of bother with the establishment, don’t you think?

    Stupid pigs. Violent disorder charge, not attempted murder. Cool! Maximum sentence of 5 years, or 6 months in a magistrates court. Plead youthful exuberance before a sympathetic female magistrate, and walk away. Right on!

  461. 461
    albacore says:

    “No admissions of culpability have been made in settling these cases nor have any of the claimants withdrawn their allegations.”
    “Mr Clarke told him the settlement “could be reopened if either side started breaking the confidentiality””.
    Can’t you just see Parliament collectively crying its eyes out if it ever tries to get that money back.
    Sorry, my reality index just dropped off the bottom of the screen and ran away, screaming.

  462. 462
    flockinghell says:

    That’s really funny—a herd of sheep—that was the punch line, right?

  463. 463
    jgm2 says:


    We’d have to invent a Lazarus machine so you could kill yourself every day. That would cheer us up indefinitely.

  464. 464
    Ed Miliband says:

    Qwuite wight, the other partwieth are a disgwath, vote for a totally new, newer than the old new, Labour partwie. Remember no more boom and butht, it stharted in Amewica and sthop the cutths.

  465. 465
    extinguisherminate says:

    Has the identity of Tosser 2 been disclosed yet- or was it lost in the Royal news?

  466. 466
    Empty says:

    “Taxpayers are bankrolling the bus industry in England. Subsidy has risen by half in ten years, to £2 ½ billion in 2007/08, amounting to over half the turnover of the industry.”

  467. 467
    QWERTY says:

    Yes the one eyed vermin and his scummy mates going made me happy, I can tolerate Cameron and his crew if it keeps Liebour out of power.

  468. 468
    David Cameron says:

    I would like to offer Kate Middleton some words of advice ahead of the Royal Wedding.
    Clunk Click Every Trip

  469. 469
    miserable fucker says:

    on a scale of one to ten
    one being happy as a pig in shit
    and ten being suicide
    i’m at about an eight

  470. 470
    two for the price of one says:

    Or if you get an invite to the Paris ritz !

    It’s over

    just as an after thought !
    why does no one hold charlie accountable for fucking up her life ?

  471. 471
    two for the price of one says:

    very good

  472. 472
    ARRON PORTER says:

    GUIDO !
    See if these fuckers are as keen to donate to your defence

  473. 473
    ARRON PORTER says:

    Did i see somewhere that we are to have more protests today ?

  474. 474

    There has been a change of government. Labour is a secondary order problem nowadays.

  475. 475
    FOAD says:

    I was visiting a town a couple of years ago where there was an anti-EU meeting. The number of zimmer frames was frankly incredible.

  476. 476
    lola says:

    ‘Appines is a Bruni blowjob?

  477. 477
  478. 478
    Mongwatch UK says:

    Only if you were a complete mong.

  479. 479
    Ashley says:

    “it seems to Guido that governments mostly cause unhappiness and can do little to make us smile”

    You must have missed the memo then. European countries with busy, interfering governments are happiest.

  480. 480
    Old dog no tricks says:

    Ah – but these two quango’s are unable to stop the price rises. It has to be remembered that they are the ones paying for the new ‘green’ energy scheme – they are providing the ‘subsidies’ and of course passing the costs onto us ! the quango’s are unable to do anything about this.

    It was a hidden way of increasing ‘power’ taxation by not calling it taxation but a levy on (carbon intense) power producers ! All in order to pay for the ‘green energy’ fallacy !

    If the Quango’s did their job and tried to keep prices down – then it is well known that the Energy Companies would turn around and advertise the fact that the ‘levies’ were what was pushing up prices and not the price of the fuel itself ! In order to complete the con – noone says anything about it (except the power companies try to sell you green energy at higher prices for their own profit margin !)

    The fact that many political bloggers know this – does not effect that the majority of sheeple do not ! Most of the sheeple would not have a clue what to do about it (or would not make any effort anyway !)

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ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
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Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
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Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath

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Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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