October 7th, 2010

The Shirtless Bard

Things must be really bad for “rising star” Chris Bryant. The Labour wannabe attack dog has reverted to writing cringing anti-coalition poetry…

But now the champagne flutes are passed their time -
And late-night, lightweight, internecine strife.
The autumn parliamentary term commences
With all eyes fixed on Osborne’s pending knife.
Statistics, figures, numbers stride the land,
Brought forth by each to stay the other’s hand.
Some worship at the shrine of deficit reduction,
They see a chance to slash the state, scot-free,
They eulogise the Big Society
But in their hearts they make a grand deduction:
Let Alexander, Clegg and Cable take the rap.

There is more, much more here. Though Bryant might not even make it to the Shad Cab, Guido wouldn’t recommend he gives up the day job…


  1. 1
    Tom Tomos says:



  2. 2
    Dick the Prick says:



  3. 3
    Number 10's cat says:

    He should be on the stage
    The next one out of town


  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    We’ll have to share a room sometime.


  5. 5

    I wandered lonely as a clown,
    That floats on a wave
    of public debt,
    When all at once I spied a crowd of journalists
    but no one recognised me, without my pants on.


    • 81
      gildedtumbril says:

      I wandered lonely as a clod,
      Feeling like a stupid …person
      Wondering if this dreadful day,
      Could turn into a worse un.

      Is doggerel poetry by a dog?
      And if islamic would it be by a pig?


    • 101
      Schrödinger's cat says:

      But now the rear end toys are passed their time –
      After late-night invasion, colonic pain.
      The autumn photo-op commences
      With all eyes fixed on Bryant’s hidden package.
      Shadows, outlines, bulges insinuate the Big Sock,
      Massaged much by him to snap the poseur’s shot.
      Some worship at the shrine of tiny organs,
      They see a chance to whip those pants off, scrotum free,
      They eulogise the semi-naked torso
      But in their hearts they make a grand election:
      Let Chris Bryant appear as a twat.


  6. 6
    Mrs Thatcher's balls of iron in velvet knickers. says:

    Then I forgot to add that labour wrecked the economy real bad.


  7. 7
    Cheese Lover says:

    What a load of old shit.


  8. 8
    Ex TimesOnline user says:

    Sorry, o/t but re. the Mark Saunders inquest.

    Why did the Police put themselves in his line of fire?

    It wasn’t as though they were protecting anyone behind them. It was just them, they had cleared the area etc. He couldn’t kill any innocent passers by. It was just him and the police there. Why did they allow themselves to be shot thus giving them an excuse to kill him? Why couldn’t they just position themselves around a corner and have a remote camera trained on the window/flat?

    Talk him into boredom for as long as it takes. Let his bloody wife talk to him to. Who are they to prevent her from doing so? If he tops himself then he tops himself. Fair enough. Why not use the time taken talking to prepare to storm the room instead of engineering a tense situation where the use of firearms

    I find their actions very strange and borderline insane.

    The jury was prevented from saying a few pertinent points. Why? I haven’t heard of other Juries requesting the same so they must have had some serious reservations they wished to communicate.

    The handling of the inquest is strange.


    • 14
      Ex TimesOnline user says:

      “engineering a tense situation where the use of firearms ”

      … was a much more likely endgame?


    • 66
      Atlas shrugged says:

      Maybe I have missed something, but could someone please tell me what Mark Saunders was so suicidally concerned about? So far the media appears to have either not found out, or can’t be bothered to tell the public what MSs problem actually was.

      I mean it is not that Barristers being blind drunk is in anyway unusual, however they don’t have a history of resorting to shooting at policemen as a general rule. Most people, myself included usually start trying to kiss everyone and then then end up with their heads down the toilet when they overindulge on booze.

      This is a genuine question, can anyone help?


    • 77
      Fiddler-Diddler says:

      I think you’ll find that they had not cleared the area.

      There was a woman and child in the flat next door and they could not get to her.

      She said at the inquest that she feared for her and her child’s life throughout the ordeal.

      You might want to look afresh at your immediate desire to whack the Police! They don’t go out to kill for the hell of it – they could go join the army to do that and get to kill a lot more brazilian plumbers, drunken twat barristers, ex-timeonline readers and gun-toting bank robbers galore.

      This ploker wanted to “die by cop” and they wasted too many bullets on him – that was the police mistake!


  9. 9

    At least Pam Ayres kept her clothes on.


  10. 10
    Doggie Fashion says:

    Oi, Bryant, you’re bard!

    What an unbelievable silly person.

    Chris me little Y fronted twat, we are spending £120 milion interest PER DAY to service the debt you and yours have run up. Surely you realise that that means we are paying for another countries schools’n’hopsitals when, with better husbandry of OUR money, we could be paying for our own.

    Or paying less tax ………


  11. 11
    Lib, Lab, Con - go to hell says:

    He should get together with Mark Oatibix.

    He can shit his pants etc. with OatSoSimple and take a pic in the mirror.

    Job done! It’s got his shit all over them.


  12. 12
    hoobah says:

    Poor dear has to work off his batshit insane disappointment at Labour losing. He chose Brown over Blair, what a fucking loser.


  13. 13
    Senator Bloodn' Gore says:

    Too long for #reelmolesworth #nationalpeotryday 160 characters or less on Twitter I’m afraid.


    • 48
      fuck 'em says:

      160 characters or much less is the average brain retention buffer for a Twatter user, Facebook too.


  14. 15
    Gaydar Member says:

    Chris Bryant’s packet
    is a bit of a racket
    While seeming quite broad
    it’s an obvious fraud
    He augments his wee cock
    by stuffing a sock
    or else, he never would hack it.


  15. 16
    RED ED says:

    He’s into MS enhanced u/p I spy. Must be a small dick and I thought he was a big dick!


  16. 19
    The Court of Public Opinion says:

    That’s more like it. This guy is liebour through and through and the party needs many more like him.


  17. 20
    QWERTY says:

    No budgie smuggling going on there.


  18. 21
    Down with Brown! says:

    Why do socialists think that they are the only ones who should be drinking champagne?


  19. 22
    concrete pump says:

    Dim Chris Bryant is passed his best
    The time is now, put on your vest


  20. 24
    seemed like a good dea at the time says:

    I know, I’ll take a picture of myself in my grotty pants and post it on the internet, no one will recognise me.


  21. 26
    I still hate Ben Bradshaw says:

    What a sad little man this Bryant creep is! – why on earth would he take himself so seriously? – silly little twerp


    • 30
      seemed like a good dea at the time says:

      That’s what makes him a clown. It’s great fun seeing him execute his pratfalls all over the media.


  22. 32
    Cheese Lover says:

    There was a young hune named Chris,

    His Y-fronts, were stained with piss,

    “Champagne” he would muse,

    “Damn Tory’s!!”, His views,

    But his political points, were always a miss.


  23. 34
    Horace and Doris Norris says:

    He’s quite obviously barking mad. No doubt Mandy can give him a good seeing-to and would get those pants off him sharpish.


  24. 35
    Mrs Thatcher's balls of iron in velvet knickers. says:

    He is not a poet and he does not know it.


  25. 36
    Cheese Lover says:

    There was a young scoundrel named Chris,

    His Y-fronts, were stained with his piss,

    “Champagne” he would muse,

    “Damn T0ry’s!!”, His views,

    But his political points, were always a miss.


  26. 37
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Make him minister for Forgotten Boring Celtic Poets. His style combines the worst of Dylan Thomas and Mcgonagall.


    • 50
      Betty Bogglesworth says:

      Thomas was a great poet and writer.

      How dare you campare him to that gabbling knob McGonagall.


  27. 38
    Samuel Butler says:

    Sir Hudibras his passing worth,
    The manner how he sallied forth;
    His arms and equipage are shown;
    His horse’s virtues, and his own.
    Th’ adventure of the bear and fiddle
    Is sung, but breaks off in the middle.


  28. 39
    Bryfronts has a tantrum says:


  29. 40
    Grunthos the Flatulent. says:

    That’s almost as bad as Vogon Poetry..

    “Ode To A Small Lump Of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning…”


  30. 43
    Chris Brownpants says:

    Please Red Ed give me shadow cabinet post, then we can have Balls over for a Sunday roast.


  31. 45
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    With the departures of McNulty and Sion Simon, Labour have been looking for a new No 1 Twat.

    Looks like Bryant has just nominated himself


  32. 46
    Miss Whiplash says:

    Seeing him wearing those pants shows clearly shows he’s qualified to be Shadow Minister Without Portfolio.


  33. 52
    Chris Brownpants says:

    There was a wee man called McBroon,
    who never ate pudding with a spoon,
    the girls all laughed, cos they knew he was daft and called him the silly old bugger McLoon.


  34. 54
    Mike Hunt says:

    What a total and complete wanker.


  35. 55
    Tom FD says:

    Every time you run that horrifying photo I’m less inclined to revisit the blog


  36. 58
    Engineer says:

    Stop beating about the bush, for heaven’s sake. Just tell us what you really think.


  37. 61
    Sir William Waad says:

    I read through Mr Bryant’s rap
    And it’s an utter load of tosh.
    I wish he’d go and learn to write
    And not pour out this utter bilge.
    I may be just a silly josser
    But Bryant is a poetaster.
    His poem is an utter farce
    And he should stick it up his blog.


    • 70
      Sir William Waadsworth says:

      That’s better.


    • 82
      Jethro says:

      60 – ‘poetaster’, Sir Double Double-U? You flatter him! He’s obviously never learned to count syllables, so wouldn’t know a Hypermetric line from The Circle Line, and consequently has not the least notion of scansion. The fact that Keats modelled his stanzas on Spenser’s (The Faerie Queene…) has passed (yes: it’s the Past Participle of ‘pass’) him by, so, as he wouldn’t know an Alexandrine if it tried to ‘wind its slow length’ around him, he doesn’t realise that his last lines are too short.
      Gamma minus.


  38. 67
    Mark Oaten says:

    I like that poem. It was shit.


  39. 69
    augustine the hippo says:

    He’s a better poet than Gordon was a Chancellor.


  40. 75
    Big Al says:

    How the fuck did the Taffys vote this twat back in, must be the sheep.


  41. 78
    Palm Hairs says:

    There was a lad called called chris, whose poetry was puerile as p*ss
    He knew it stank, when the Lords called it w*nk and Ladies said what the fck is this.


    • 90
      jgm2 says:

      Taffy was a Welshman,
      Taffy lived in Gwent,
      Taffy votes for Labour
      Don’t tell him Chris is bent.


      • 96
        Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

        That is better than Bryant’s effort


        • 98
          jgm2 says:

          I googled his wiki entry. Apparently this ‘poetry’ is the output of somebody who has got an English degree from Oxford University.

          They should burn his college to the ground if they hand out English degrees to people who could come out with that kind of sh1te. And you thought declining standards only happened in the last 13 years. Jesus Fucking Christ.


          • Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

            Just had a comment filed into automatic moderation but will try to rephrase – any self respecting Oxbridge English graduate should have the awareness not to offer up such a piece of shit for public consumption – cue you know who


  42. 79
    Gordon Brown says:

    This poem is so good that I shall use it in my prime ministerial speech next week.


  43. 83

    They’re changing guards at Buckingham Palace –
    Christopher Bryant went down with malice.
    Alice is marrying one of the guard –
    “But that’s not fair – it’s me that’s hard!”
    Said the twat.


  44. 89
    jgm2 says:

    Fucking hell.

    What utter, utter sh1te.

    Move over Mr William McGonagall. You get to move up the rankings.


  45. 95
    Alan Douglas says:

    … while I, and Labour, will ever pour out crap.

    Alan Douglas, poet.


  46. 97
    Half a Seagull says:

    The poems of Chris Bryant
    Are like a Robin Reliant:
    A heap of worthless shite.


  47. 99
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    The mind boggles – as an Oxford English graduate I don’t expect him necessarily to be able to produce good poetry but I do expect him to hve the literary awareness not to offer such a pile of shite up for public consumption.

    (Cue the appearance of Mar k Oaten)


  48. 102
    Y-Front says:

    Mr Bryant’ in his undepants needs to give some proper support to Balls.


  49. 106
    Anonymous says:

    Frankly I think he looks rather hot. I have a Y-front fetish though.


  50. 110
    Marcus Aurelius says:

    defrocked C of E priest


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