October 7th, 2010

+ + Source : Red Ed Calling Around Telling Candidates What Jobs They’re Getting + +


  1. 1
    bandersnatch says:

    Come on Guido! Spill some beans. Give us a name…


  2. 2
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Mandelson’s back!


    • 7
      Schrödinger's cat says:

      … in Mandelson’s back?


    • 211
      Turkey baster says:

      Mandelson’s in the Lords, we will never rid of him.

      On the plus side, because he hasn’t got a woman pregnant, there won’t be any mini-Mandy’s running around for a future seat in the Lords.


    • 239
      Cato Street Conspirator says:

      Sorry, that should have read ‘Mandelson’s slack’.


  3. 3
    Ed Balls says:

    I just got off the phone with Red Ed, apparently he wants me to fuck off.


  4. 4
    Anonymous says:

    baba cheech


  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    This is what Dave means by “Big Society”.

    “Now police are ordered to protect ‘Doggers’ indulging in outdoor sex with strangers from hate crime”

    “It states that the new policy applies to all police dealing with ‘public sex environments’, adding that the policy aims to ‘improve our effectiveness and the quality of service provided by the police service when policing public sex environments’ to ensure a ‘consistent, well managed, proportionate and professional approach to public sex environments’ is taken by officers.
    It states that ‘human rights of all citizens’ must be protected and that the policy covers ‘any open space, public or private that is habitually used for the purpose of engaging in consensual same sex and opposite sex, sexual activity’, including public toilets.”


  6. 6
    Stephen Byers says:

    I’m for hire


  7. 8
    Big Brother says:



  8. 10
    The last quango in paris says:

    Is mcdonalds recruiting?


  9. 11
    Elliot Morley says:

    Red Ed wants me to be prisons minister, I shall report from the inside


  10. 12
    Ed Balls says:

    I am in charge of Gordon’s Soda Stream


  11. 16
    Bevanite KY Jelly says:

    Red Ed has appointed me as his bitch without portfolio.


  12. 20
    Sue Tzuzir says:

    “David, brother Ed here, will you come and play in my shadow cabinet? You can be uhm, arh, I know “climate change” secretary!”

    “Gee, thanks for that brother, but I have some genital warts that need removing and I need some time off to recover. About 5 years should do.”


    • 124
      Serving Together in the National Interest says:

      You’ve got the wrong guy making the phone call………”David, Dave here,I wonder if you could drop into Downing Street when you’ve got a minute?I think I have a really exciting proposition to put to you. It would be something of great service to your country…..and is something above party politics ……….”


  13. 21
    Dianne Abbott says:

    I am minister for morbidly obese black womens rights, private schools, hypocrisy, and taxis.


    • 28
      Schrödinger's cat says:

      Known for short as R&P.


      • 217
        Plod says:

        Hope this is not a racist foodstuff reference or you are nicked sooner than you can say pumpkin soup.


    • 66
      Sleepless in Kirkaldy says:

      Surely she won’t want to give up all the media money oops I mean profile


      • 109
        Groucho says:

        She can’t return to ‘This Week’ soon enough, in my opinion. Watching Brillo rip the p*ss out of her each week is top entertainment and licence fee money well spent.


        • 125
          Court of Public Opinion says:

          ‘Brillo’ is seriously overestimated.

          He could have legitimately stuck it to the vermin Labour bastards on so many occasions and for so many reasons over the last decade. He chose not to.

          If he’s such a wonderful presenter and a national treasure (ugh) to the political twaterati you would have thought the guy would at least own a pair.


          • Airlie Belvoir says:

            Bollocks. Brillo is the best political inquisitor in the business, all joviality until he slips the knife in with forensic skill. Always well briefed, always better informed than the hapless politicians wriggling desperately on his hook. And best of all, he has a day job, is a freelancer and not beholden to the entrenched left-wing groupthink infesting the BBC, who know that he could walk tomorrow to Sky or Channel 4 if he is ever leant on. Go Brillo!


          • The Ape Man Commeth says:

            Agree with Airlie, he’s the best we’ve got by a country mile.


          • Hague the vague says:

            Both of you are easily pleased.

            Must be the dumbing down.


  14. 22
    Fizzy Orange says:

    take me to your leader


  15. 27
    Steve Miliband says:

    … Gordon, have you seen my Nokia anywhere?


  16. 29
    Charlie Whelan says:

    I can confirm that Jack Dromey has been appointed Peter Mandelson


  17. 32
    gildedtumbril says:

    JOBS? Do we not mean jobbies? All those braindead bastards, each and every one of them could not run a proverbial ‘Piss-up in a brewery’ or, a whelk stall, with or without the whelks. None of them has ever worked for a living, nor intends to. They are leeches. They are bloody parasites, totally without skill or even average intellect. Incidentally, only the equally braindead would vote for the disgusting bastards. I confess I am not too awfully fond of them.


  18. 37
    Sadiq Khunt says:

    If I don’t get a top job, I’ll call him ray cyst.


  19. 38
    Anonymous says:

    Nest of vipers the lot of them.Couldn’t care less.


  20. 40
    Sadiq Khan says:

    If Red Ed offers me the ministry of gayers my constituents will stone me!


  21. 40
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m waiting by the phone. Because it’s the right thing to do.


    • 113
      Selohesra says:

      Special position for you ‘Shadow Minister for F’ing things up’


    • 241
      Edward Balls says:

      You were the best boss Gordon this new red guy is a waste of space he is even talking of giving Yvette my job. Have a word with him please boss!!!!
      Its the right thing to do to have me against that osbo character not the boy cooper,please Gordon!!


  22. 43
    Margaret Beckett says:

    Can I be shadow minister for hanging baskets?


  23. 47
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Balls = children schools etc
    Burnham = Health
    cooper = shadow chancerllor


  24. 48
    Christ on a fucking bike says:

    Red Ed looks almost as mongtastic in that photo as McDoom. I stress almost, as no one can look as mongy as Jonah Brown.


  25. 50
    Martin Day says:

    I’m hearing that Bob Crow will be Shadow Foreign Secretary.

    A wise appointment


  26. 51
    JK says:

    Are there any jobs for Vince Cable and Simon Hughes?


  27. 52
    Margaret Moran's Snatch says:

    I’ve been appointed shadow cabinet office as I’m cavernous with mock Tudor beams


    • 63
      Engineer says:

      I thought you were the one with the dry rot problem? Why you needed £20,000 of taxpayers’ money to alleviate that problem I don’t know – a tube of KY jelly would have done.


  28. 54
    Engineer says:

    Culture, Meedja and Sport could be shadowed by Lard Prescott. Actually, several departments could be shadowed simultaneously by Lard Prescott if he stood between them and the sun.


  29. 55
    Can't remember my moniker says:

    Let us hold a “Be Nice to Ed Balls Second”, just to show we can be charitable.

    OK, well done! Thanks guys, back to normal again.


  30. 56
    Long-odds suicidal gambler says:

    Hmm – D. Miliband for shadow Foreign Secretary might be worth a oner.


  31. 58
    Maximus says:

    WhereTF did you get that picture Fawkes — the face of Big Brother?

    Imagine that staring at you everywhere you went, on every wall in your home, as mandated by Big Brother. It would drive you insane.


    • 146
      concrete pump says:

      I think it would be perfect for a dart board. Though with modern materials technology, you could quite easily have that photo made up into a waterproof decal that you could stick to the bowl of any toilet…


    • 149

      More Goldstein than Big Brother, surely?

      Two minutes hate would be far too short for the marxist c’unt though….


  32. 59
    Lord Kinnoch of Gravy Train says:

    I’ve got my party back, well ALRIGHT!!!


  33. 59
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Lord Mandleson = Leader of the Lords


  34. 61
    Gonk says:

    Please God, nothing for Peter Hain
    and Alun Michael.
    The combination of the colour sludge
    and perpetual whining voice. I’ve been feeling so
    much better lately as well.


  35. 64
    Wiliam Hill says:

    Yvette Cooper has got the job of Shadow Chancellor

    Get your cash on quick


  36. 65
    If I was prime minister, I would do the following says:

    1. Deport all muzbots who are fanatical preachers or benefit scroungers. Only those who are working, can speak english and are willing to integrate can stay.

    2. Ban the face veil.

    3. Disclose all the relevant files so that Blair, Campbell, Straw, Miliband D, Hoon, Mandelson and Brown are put on trial for war crimes.

    4. Have a separate prosecution against Brown for his crime of underfunding our forces, thereby causing their deaths.

    5. Deport all benefit scroungers who’ve lived here continuously without doing a single day’s work the entire time they’ve lived here.

    6. Make the penalty for rape, child abuse and murder an automatic whole life tariff.


    • 126
      Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

      1 = Yes

      2 = No , The state should never tell anyone how they dress

      3= Yes

      4= yes

      5 = Does that include the long term sick ( i mean the genuine ones)

      6= Only if they can prove that 1 innocent person will never be wrongly convicted


      • 160

        Agreed, Billy, except for no. 6 – there’s always the possibility of a remedy to miscarriages of justice so long as you are alive, and though prison isn’t fun, it’s better than death.

        I’d add

        7) Remove the extra housing points for single mothers unless they can prove that they were in a genuine realtionship (by having lived with their partner for at least 2 years) prior to their single status.


    • 131
      Martin Luther Thingy says:

      I have a dream …………..


    • 139
      Holborn Viaduct says:

      @ 6 – we’ll need more prison space.


    • 162

      You are Nick G*riffin and I claim my €500 one way trip to Somalia


    • 184
      gildedtumbril says:

      To hell with whole life tariff.Capital punishment is a fine thing. It is definitely efficaceous in persuading very naughty people not to reoffend, even the ones who were not guilty. And it saves an awful lot of money.


  37. 69
    Andy says:


    “Now police are ordered to protect ‘Doggers’ indulging in outdoor sex with strangers from hate crime

    Police have been ordered to stop anyone taking in part in illegal outdoor sex being abused or verbally taunted as it can cause them to suffer post traumatic stress.”



  38. 74
    Groucho says:

    A ‘Shadow’ job is pretty meaningless, isn’t it? No requirement to deliver anything now or for many years in the future. Spout any old rubbish and nobody cares. As divorced from reality as the ‘working’ lives of these muppets were before they entered Parliament.

    Bearing the above in mind, who gives a shit about these appointments?


  39. 79
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Baroness Uddin = Housing minister


  40. 81
    Booyakasha says:

    I wonder if Red Ed has the guts to appoint Fat Bott to the shadow cabinet. I doubt it. Even he’s not stupid enough to give Mrs Riiice and da Peeeas a job.


    • 92
      Engineer says:

      He’d have to give her two seats in the Shadow Cabinet. Minister for Food and Education, perhaps?


      • 132
        It's where we put the "awkward squad" who have to be given a shadow cabinet job says:

        Shadow Minister for International Development


  41. 85
    Gordon Brown says:

    I like to jerk my own chicken. Isn’t that right, nurse?


  42. 88
    concrete pump says:

    Ed looks like a googly-eyed flid, who’s been kicked off the ‘sunshine bus’ for molesting other mongs.


  43. 90
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Del Pioro = minister for suckin Eds wood


  44. 93
    GrimeLord says:

    Who votes for the shadow cabinet? Is it MPs? If so it seems starnge that MPs who mainly supported Milli D then get to chose who will be in the shadow cabinet under Milli E!


  45. 112
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Kieth Vaz= minister for immigration


  46. 118
    The Court of Public Opinion says:

    Shadow Minister for pies: Lard prescott
    Shadow Minister for wars wars more wars they make me a fortune: Bliar
    Shadow Minister for massage parlours & contemplation suites: Ed Balls
    Shadow Minister for rentboys: Mandy
    Shadow Minister for midget chipmunks: Blears
    Shadow Minister for whoring for Hoonwork: Geoff Hoon
    Shadow Minister for economic affairs: Bruin
    Shadow Minister for sexiness and all that is beautiful in the world: Beckett


  47. 120
    Fur Balls says:

    Yvette Cooper? Useless. Good news. So this is the New generation? The same old tripe like last time. So Red ‘Ead will never see his party in power. Ah Bliss.


  48. 122
    Ben 'buggering' Bradshaw MP: ex BBC cunt, and right on massive arse-bandit of socialisms says:

    Oh please Joo boy give me a job, I’ll rant on demand for you Joo boy


  49. 141
    Fur Balls says:

    Uuurgh! That pic is enormous. Uugh.


  50. 144

    I will be unveiling my team for next Ryder Cup Matches (to be played at Harvard University) this evening.

    Please join Sarah and me at Number 10 where I will be making the announcement and reading extracts from my memoirs, “Celtic Courage”.


    • 183
      Nursie says:

      Come now, Gordon. You were doing so well. We had got you to accept you lost the election in May. We were all very pleased with your progress. Now we don’t want a relapse again, do we?


  51. 147
    Fur Balls says:

    Eddie Izzard Shadow Minister for really dumb celebrities who support Labour.
    Has anyone else noticed that more and more Slebs are coming out in support for the tories eh Coalition? Ha ha ha !


  52. 148
    angelnstar says:


    Scandal breaks! Boris used slave labour at 50p. an hour for extended period.


  53. 170
    Marcus Aurelius says:

    tory = big Society
    zanuliebore = big brither society
    libdim = “high” society


  54. 178
    George Galloway says:

    I like muzees. They should be running the country.


  55. 180
    the last quango in paris says:

    This Miliband sage is now almost reaching biblical proportions You Reap What you Sow – Red Ed is going to be hounded into marriage and every second of it scrutinised – his brother will probably emigrate – meanwhile he has to manage a shadow cabinet of dysfunc tional toddlers all sniping at each other -meanwhile the country agrees with the coalition.

    Red Ed will then have to suffer when the Unions throw their toys out of the cot when they strke when told they have to work for a living.

    Then in Reap what you sow part 2 – ed balls who put his career before his wifes with his pointless contest for leader will have the chancellors position taken from him


  56. 188
    caesars wife says:

    breaking news : Fabian solutions is leaving telegraph bloggs (you read it here second) ! see dan hannan blogg , must be getting a cabinet job , but one of best whiney loser post by champion of socialism I have yet seen , liked the menace at end , pure wonderkind with toys removed , Time for bed Fabian solutions , time for bed.
    the spnners spinners has been slayed


  57. 190
    My evil twin. says:

    I imagine Ed Balls will be Shadow Minister For The Wicked And Malicious Department.


  58. 194
    Panto Producer says:

    If Yvette doesn’t get the job she welcome to star as Peter Pan in my next panto. This offer does not apply to her husband. However there could be a part for him in the remake of “Downfall”


  59. 196
    Guido says:

    Bob Crow, general secretary of the Rail Maritime and Transport union, described the latest job cuts as ” fucking savagery”, adding: “This underlines the deepening fucking crisis LU is in.

    “This is yet another fucking tranche of fucking job losses even before LU’s wider review is finished and comes ahead of the fucking Government’s spending review announcement later this month.

    “This is very much the thin end of the fucking wedge and underlines how fucking right we are to challenge the job cuts.”

    “Milwall Football Club for the Cup”


    • 204
      Budget Panto Producer, Pump House, Watford says:

      We’re recruiting for the Christmas season. He’ll have to tone his language down though – can’t be scaring the kids etc.


  60. 198
    Who's been a naughty boy then says:

    “A man who harassed BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce by sending her “love messages” has been detained in hospital under mental health laws.

    Messages from Peter Oakey referred to Ms Bruce as “my beautiful firebird”.

    Ms Bruce was “distressed” by cards signed “your kingfisher and loving husband”, sent by Oakey, 51, from Brentwood, Essex.

    Judge John Lodge ordered him to be detained in hospital.

    Psychiatrists who carried out tests said Oakey was mentally ill and suffering from “persistent delusional disorder”.

    He had “delusions of passion” and believed that Bruce loved him and he loved her, the judge heard.

    Oakey felt that doctors were part of a “covenant” against him, the court heard.

    Cards to her were inscribed with the words, “I love you Fiona my beautiful firebird”, and were signed, “Your kingfisher and loving husband Peter”.

    On at least one card he had also written: “Time to get down and attend to business.””


    • 210

      The Schadenfreude Institute regrets that Ms Bruce was sent these note, The patient, known only as “Oakey” has now been restrained and will be taken back to the secure unit for further treatment.

      On a more positive note he no longer believes he is still prime Minister and is waiting happily for his telephone call to become chancellor.

      A member of staff will phone him later to give him the good news and present him with a broken calculator, some old Francs, Marks and Lira .. monopoly money and a purse containing some pre decimilisation coinage.
      We hope that this, combined with his Ben 10 mobile phone with action sounds, will keep him busy for several weeks.

      Dr Kwang-Go
      Schadenfreude Institute
      CA 90210


  61. 199
    Budget Panto Producer, Pump House, Watford says:

    They can fight for the head/arse end of our panto horse if they want the work.


  62. 200
    Breaking News... says:

    “A barrister who was shot by police marksmen following a five-hour armed stand-off in west London was lawfully killed, an inquest jury has found.

    The siege began after Mark Saunders, 32, fired shots from his home in Markham Square, Chelsea, on 6 May 2008.

    The Westminster Coroner’s Court jury found the actions of the officers were lawful, proportionate and reasonable.

    But the coroner said he would make recommendations as there were doubts as to who was in charge of the marksmen.

    Following the verdict the barrister’s widow, Elizabeth Saunders, said: “I respect the verdict of a jury who have carefully considered all the evidence.””


    • 221
      Elizabeth Saunders says:

      You misquoted me. What I actually said was, “I respect the verdict of a jury who have carefully considered all the evidence and he was crap in the bedroom, anyway.”


  63. 203
    Carer from Day Centre says:

    Ed doesn’t have time for another job. He’s too busy colouring in his pictures.


  64. 205
    Mrs Thatcher's balls of of iron in velvet knickers. says:

    Who is this scrotum Balls who is soon to be a eunoch? I could do with a new pair earrings.
    I demand to know when this teenage boy Red Ed has given the country a Shadow Cabinet that reflects this New Generation Labour ideology.
    Why am I being forced to share a room with Gordon Brown? Nurse.


  65. 212
    13eastie says:

    Red Ed was Climate Change Secretary when the whole Labour front bench subscribed to the 10:10 Campaign:

    Sony is a major partner of the 10:10 campaign.

    Here is an extract from a recent press release on Sony’s website:

    "Sony believes that it had no other option than to also
    condemn the video in the strongest possible terms and Sony
    is disassociating itself from 10:10 at this time..."

    Sony’s faith seems to have been shaken rather by getting to know Franny Armstrong and her fascist climate alarmist friends a little better.

    Red Ed still thinks it’s okay to carry out summary execution of child thought criminals in a classroom.

    Red Ed will be judged by the company he keeps.

    You can email the press office at O2 to ask why they have not yet withdrawn their major support for the 10:10 campaign using the address given here.


  66. 218
    Andy Gray says:

    Ed looks like a cornershop-keeper in that photo. Wouldn’t trust him even to run one of those, though …


  67. 220
    Gordon Brown says:

    I will not be rushed into making these crucial appointments, except to say that La la, Po and Mr Tickle deserve this opportunity.


  68. 222
    Ad Lib says:

    What’s more Red Ed is now undermining his “we won’t oppose every cut” claim and saying that “all families” need assistance from the state.


    Enjoy opposition.


  69. 236
    Ruth Kelly's plaything says:


    If Dave ‘n’ Co can only play things well (which is in question), Lab will be out in the cold for a decade or more. What we are seeing here is the first stage of the equivalent of the Howard/IDS/Hague (or whatever order they were in) rejigging of the Tory party.

    Just as the Tories’ natural response to losing was a lurch to the Right, so Lab’s is to the Left. They’ll sort themselves out eventually but this is not the Shadow Cabinet that will win an election. Ed ‘n’ Co are irrelevant but represent a necessary stage in rehabilitating Labour.

    My hope is that they run out of money and cease to exist before they are able to regain power – but I’ve been wanting that since Harold Wislon.


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