October 4th, 2010

Hague’s Bedroom Pickles

As William Hague is trailed by photographers and the news channels every time he moves around the conference centre, with Ffion glued to his side, an old hand informs Guido that Hague has a history of hotel bedroom trouble…

Aged seventeen at a Young Conservatives conference in Scarborough, young Billy returned from the bar to find his room at The Grand Hotel stripped of all furniture and belongings. With only the carpet left he had little choice other than to curl up and sleep on the floor. You wouldn’t get that at the Hotel du Vin. But who was the prankster who had slipped the hotel porter a few quid for the key? Step forward Eric Pickles…

UPDATE : A co-conspirator writes to correct the location : “That was in 1978 at Harrogate. The snow had been falling steadily from early Friday. So when a crowd of North West YCs came out of their hotel (next door to the Yorskhire area Hotel) there was wunderkind, so what we did we do? We pelted him with snowballs.”


  1. 1
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    So clearly he needs help at hand in case pickles comes back for more.

  2. 2
    Eric Pickles says:

    I needed the chocolates from the minibar.

  3. 3
    Mr Growser says:


  4. 4
    AC1 says:

    Did the porter also widen the door?

  5. 5
    Gordon Brown says:

    I am getting on with the job

  6. 6
    Dazza says:

    Knowing Eric Pickles had been in my room would have me shitting bangers.

  7. 7
    Article 38 says:

    Did Pickles eat the furniture?

    Kind of him to leave the rug for Mrs McDoom though.

  8. 8
    Yorkie (with his hand up) says:

    Jolly japes wot ho!! Wonder of sleeping on tbe floor that night put him off carpet munching for good! Tally Ho!!!

  9. 9
    Question Time says:

    Has Eric always been fat or did he start out thin?

  10. 10
    Beattock Climber says:

    That was in 1978 at Harrogate. The Snow had been falling steadily from early Friday. So when a crowd of North West YCs came out of their hotel (next door to Yorskhire area Hotel) there was wunderkind so what we did we. We pelted him with snowballs.
    All good fun

  11. 11
    Yvette Cooper is useless pile of dog poo says:

    Poor guy. Who would want pickles humping them.

  12. 12
    John Prescott says:

    ‘ey lad! At my Labour conference, I broke my hotel bed when I sat down. I ended up breaking three beds before they put me in a room with a king size four poster with reinforced springs. That was champion! But it only lasted a day before I broke it.

  13. 13
    end of story says:

    Don’t worry little Will, you can share my bed.

  14. 14
    Glubber says:

    Glub glub

  15. 15
    Doc Trough says:

    He has a suite tooth.

  16. 16
    Yvette Cooper is useless pile of dog poo says:

    Willie looks like Yvette Cooper in that photograph.

  17. 17
    end of stоry says:

    Dоn’t wоrry little lad, yоu can share my bed.

  18. 18
    end of stоry says:

    fucking mod!

  19. 19
    Gordon Brown says:

    Mum, is that you? I had a horrible nightmare. Dreamt I went back in time and was in opposition. It was terrible.

  20. 20
    Dick the Prick says:

    Apparently a couple of Ryder Cups back, Sergio Garcia & Darren Clarke did the same thing to Tiger Woods. Quite a nice story, really, shows Billy’s got a sense of humour. (I’d be surprised if the lad just curled up on the floor though).

  21. 21
    G.R.I.P says:

    The first of many such japes picked up by the Gaygue Related Incidents Pervometer.

  22. 22
    コンクリートポンプ says:

    Pickles clearly took his stuff away to give it a good sniff, he probably poured salt and vinegar over Billy’s jim jams and ate them.

  23. 23
    Cardinal Kasper says:

    For Heaven’s sake Guido, GET WITH THE BEAT!! At the moment if we all work together we can destroy a whole load of labour luvvies who like to make films justifying blowing up kids. Yet all you can post is crap about William Hague sleeping on a carpet 30 years ago.

  24. 24
    Hazel Blears says:

    I’m wicked and malicious.

  25. 25
    Eric the Bed says:

    Eh oop yoong Will, ‘appen as like we ‘ave to share a bed, see thee. Can’t ‘ave oogly rumours spreadin’ rownd that fat bastard Tory boys like yours trooly can’t get laid tha knows. Chocolate finger luvvie?

  26. 26
    Dick the Prick says:

    Chris Paul who does the Labour of Love blog (no, very few people have heard of it) has a nice little analysis of Hazel’s conference performance. Quite good, really. Watching Labour eat themselves for reasons which beggar understanding to outsiders is quite fun (in a purely academic sense, you understand).

  27. 27
    Protest too much says:

    I see the usual self-hating homophobes are back, venting their agony over their boarding school experiences and their regular clandestine visits to rent boys behind their wives backs. More proof about those who shout the loudest, those who protest too much.

  28. 28
    Chavez says:


  29. 29
    コンクリートポンプ says:

    Maybe your post should have been a reply to one of the ‘self hating homophobes’ you describe…..

  30. 30
    midinight feast says:

    Oh fuck, the school sneak has crawled out of his wank pit.

  31. 31
    Ken Lorp says:

    So, the young Mr Hague found himself in a pickle then …

  32. 32
    iп a pickle says:

    Eh ооp yооng Will, ‘appen as like we ‘ave to share a bed, see thee. Can’t ‘ave oogly rumours spreadin’ rownd that fat bastard Tоry bоys like yours trооly can’t get laid tha knows. Chоcolate finger luvvie?

  33. 33
    Susie says:

    “Vince Cable and I will not stab each other in the back, will not ruin each other’s career… who do you think we are? Brothers?”

    And the BBC technician just pulled the plug on Osborne’s speech! This was no accidental glitch.

  34. 34
    Hey there Georgie boy says:

    Georgie boy spouting green issues,carbon capture and wanting to make Britain competetive,green,EU and competition don’t f*kin mix Huhne ,get out of the EU and then get competetive,when you have finished paying the debts then maybe you can play at being green.

  35. 35
    tory boys never grow up says:

    Perhaps rather than worrying about silly little Tory boys antics – a little bit more attention should be paid to Hague’s current antics and his desire to do business with a war criminal – see here


    Of course those wanting evidence of Hague’s stinking hypocrisy might wish to look here


    For those who genuinely want to know what is happening in Sudan rather than having their news filtered through the Foreign Office here is as good a starting place as any.


  36. 36
    Sir William Waad says:

    When Helmut Kohl went visiting he used to bring his own bed with him, because he was so large that an ordinary bed might not take the strain.

  37. 37
    Susie says:

    I watched the speech and I don’t recall him mentioning ‘green’ once. Good speech btw — a Chancellor gets real for the first time since Ken Clarke.

  38. 38
    Ed Balls says:

    I don’t care for the Benny Andersson wig.

  39. 39
    Stoke says:

    Is the suggestion here that Eric is gay, or that William is straight?
    I’m confused, but willing to try.

  40. 40
    コンクリートポンプ says:

    Might not take the strain of what – sleeping or fucking?

  41. 41
    Sir William Waad says:

    Was it that 30 stone woman you hired to bounce on you?

  42. 42
    HandsomeDavid says:

    Maggie Maggie Maggie. Out Out Out.

  43. 43
    Senator Bloodn' Gore says:

    Top Gear Presenter, James May, to front London Pride…………oh, the beer, I get it. You English. Thought we’d outed another one there Guido.

  44. 44
    the BBC is not biased any more says Mark Thompson says:

    After last weeks love-in with Labour, the unbiased BBC are this week conducting a hate-fest with the Tories.

  45. 45
    JBC says:

    It’s all snide, anti-Tory comments from the likes of Toenails and Pienaar, and ‘objective’ opinion from scum like Toilets Maguire and Yasmin ‘I hate whites’ Ali Bayai-Brown.

  46. 46
    Jon says:

    There’s a marked contrast in the coverage from last weeks Labour conference to this weeks Tory one. The BBC’s anti-Tory bias is blatant and shameless.

  47. 47
    Sir William Waad says:

    Sowohl schlafen, als auch poppen.

  48. 48
    Dick the Prick says:

    Does anyone give a flying fuck about Sudan?

  49. 49
    Swamp Creature says:

    ‘In 2005, Hazel Blears was a member of a parliamentary tap-dancing troupe known as the Division Belles. Other members included Caroline Flint, Beverley Hughes, Laura Moffatt, Meg Munn, Joan Ryan and Eric Pickles.’

  50. 50
    Mornington Crescent says:

    The very same thought went through my mind. ’bout time we pulled the plug on their funding.

  51. 51
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Normally, no. But I do if they’re getting any of our “”””International Development”””” cash.

  52. 52
    Stoke says:

    Was there a Toryhole between Eric and Willie’s room?

  53. 53
    NotaSheep says:

    Brilliant, best line of the week so far…

  54. 54
    Would you believe it says:

    Apparently (WikiP) Pickles doesn’t like vinegar.
    I’m sure this has serious implications for something but beyond adversely affecting Sarson’s sales I have no idea what

  55. 55
    NotaSheep says:

    Broke it or ate it?

  56. 56
    Anonymous says:

    “Division Belles. Other members included Caroline Flint, Beverley Hughes, Laura Moffatt, Meg Munn, Joan Ryan and Eric Pickles.” surely you are thinking of the Rolly Pollies

  57. 57
    Mornington Crescent says:

    The thought of May at the, er, head of a parade dressed in a pink leather thong and little else has just put me off my lunch.

    For a week.

  58. 58
    Anonymous says:


  59. 59
    Stoke says:

    “It’s all right for some of you, you won’t be here in 20 or 30 years!”

    and what a fucking great job at fucking this Country up you did!

  60. 60
    What Guido Means is says:

    You wouldn’t get that IN the Hotel du Vin

  61. 61
    kitler says:

    Yes you are being paid to be as far away from parliament as possible. Keep it up.

  62. 62
    Mornington Crescent, pining for Jo Coburn says:

    And they still have that irritating Anand woman on: snide, trite, mouth pursed up like a rabbit’s bum.

  63. 63
    The Quite Man says:

    The Tories will be soon as hated as the Liebour party none of them are fit to hold public office.

  64. 64
    مضخة الحقيقي الملموس الذي ليس وانكير says:

    What’s your problem? Pumped out?

  65. 65
    Sir Ian Paisley says:

    Ffion not leaving him out of her sight …best of luck girl you will need it.

  66. 66
    Jonathan says:

    I think you will find that even wild pigs have standards as to what they are prepared to consume!!! I am sure they would find Hazel Blears’ mangled, midget carcass unacceptable.

  67. 67
    Anonymous says:

    I’d back Guido with his “at” in this case, as in such phrases as “I’m staying at the Dorchester” and “No room at the inn”.

  68. 68
    If hagues a bender I'm a lute player says:

    as someone who is not gay but has many friends who are I have yet to meet anyone who finds anything remotely gay about hague…or who thinks he ever has been…am sure the cynics will say that someone who isn’t wouldn’t but realistically this is a dead duck story thats getting a bit boring now.

  69. 69
    the old Dufflebag says:

    no but theres a borehole between your ears

  70. 70
    jgm2 says:

    Hague looks uncannily like Tubbs from the League of Gentlemen in that picture.

  71. 71
    SaltPetre says:

    I don’t think he would have liked balls flying in his face…snow or otherwise !

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    So it was a case of a pickled willy

  73. 73
    bum chum says:

    nothing gay about oor willie apart from his love of room sharing with young boys

    Get yer loot out for the lads

  74. 74
    FFion says:

    admit it, its rater hetro – your story -innit?

  75. 75
    John Prescutt says:

    The bed problems were nothing to do with me weight. It were on account of me new secerterry taking sight of me little fireman for’t first time. I couldn’t stick it in her without her seeing it, now could I? The light were on and all that. She choked that hard I ‘ad to give her a glass of water before she ate me little chipolata. In the final dialysis she weren’t over-impressed with me integrated transport policy, if ya know warra mean. Ashcroft. That’s when I took it upon meself to give her a right special ‘Ull seeing to while she were up against wardrobe. Phooar! Then I ‘ad to explain meself to Pauline, the old boiler, on account of me little digeridoo gerring me into every morning paper that week. She said she’d let the little tart pass if I went for’t ermine. I thought that were a place in Scotland, but it turns out it’s something to do with bunnies. Bunnies! Hefner! Bloody hell! Yes, please. An’ Tony – please let me go the ranch, Tony. Please!

  76. 76
    Susie says:

    I’m just watching the Parliament channel for coverage — just speeches and Q&A no comment, no Toenails or the other detritus. It’s good.

  77. 77
    I hate Tesco AND the Pope says:

    You’re not wrong, Cardinal K. Let’s take on the throat-stopping hypocrisy of Mr ‘Newsnight’ Paxman. I’m no fan of Ed Milipede. In fact I have contempt for the little weirdo, but how DARE Paxo dig at him for having illegitimate children when he has them himself? What an arrogant, brass-necked bastard he is. It’s time the tabloid press did some digging into the (so far) untouchable foibles of the Paxman household.

  78. 78
    What's up Cock! says:

    It amazes me that in all of this I certainly haven’t seen anything about Chris Meyers’ personal life – Is there a girlfriend in the background to hold onto his hand – even an ex one??? I think we should be told a bit more about his sex and personal life!!! Especially as Willy insists on shoving Fffffion up our noses…

  79. 79
    What's up Cock! says:

    Sometimes gays are the last people to know who is gay and who isn’t…. Especially if they believe being gay means being obsessed with Marilyn Munroe or Abba…

  80. 80
    Anonymous says:

    My sister threw a snowball at her friend and it hit Lord Ashcroft instead

  81. 81
    Bill Withers says:

    In William Hague’s very public statement over Myers he stated:

    “He (Myers) is easily qualified for the job he holds. Any suggestion that his appointment was due to an improper relationship between us is utterly false, as is any suggestion that I have ever been involved in a relationship with any man”.

    Although Willie denies any relationship with any man, he does not explicitly deny he is Gay! You can be Gay without having sex. Bill Clinton denied have sex “with that woman”, because he defined sex in the biblical sense; penetration.

  82. 82
    Chris Rowlings says:

    Myers is a confessed GAY

Seen Elsewhere

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected | TechnoGuido
ISIS Raising Funds Online Using Bitcoin | TechnoGuido
UKIP’s Youth Challenge | BBC
ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,715 other followers