Friday Caption Competition (PoJo Edition)
Obama’s Presidency is Imploding | Nile Gardiner
Miliband Could Be a Great PM | Thomas Pascoe
What Are You Really Paying in Income Tax? | TPA
Galloway’s Mad Month | The Commentator
Murdoch: Facebook is the New MySpace | Telegraph
Clegg’s Manifesto Referendum Pledge Spin Unravels | ConHome
Coalition Here to Stay | Ben Brogan
Tories Plan Coalition Divorce | Times
Public Doesn’t Back Dave on Europe | Peter Kellner
Public Backs Dave on Europe | John Rentoul
We Can’t Afford HS2 | Fraser Nelson
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Ken let the cat out of the bag about Ed on 10 o’Clock Live last night:
“He is genuinely a socialist. And that is why I am delighted we finally got one because we haven’t had one for some time leading the Labour Party.”
Private Eye says:
Exclusive: Guidogram going out shortly.
” I was your chior boy “
filthy habit
No I’m not a Nazi. Nazi’s dress in black going around telling people what to do whereas priests…
I’m the only Conservative people are sure isn’t gay which is why Guido picked a picture with me to save your holiness’s blushes from all the gay pedo jokes.
In fact, anything in a dress…
Pope: ‘Look, when I said I wanted a BJ, this isn’t what I had in mind….’
.
“Come in for coffee? Crikes, I’ll give it a bash, sweetie!”
“There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome”
What’s a chior boy?
“Did you come a long way? … Oh no, that what Phil the Greek asked…. or was it Mrs Windsor…?”
“If i click my shoes three times can i go home ?”
“There’s no place like Rome! There’s no place like Rome”
Ja you made zee confesshion Boris but I yi yi you have had so many babies I have to sit down and ask you how come wimmin finet you so sechzy??
Welcome to the stinking Sh*tehole Heathrow your grace
Yeah th th thanks pope i’m mayor here
You know what they say… “Red shoes, No knickers!”
Tartan or otherwise!
It’s hard to goosestep in this outfit
“applause”
Holy Father, Deadbeat Dad.
“This no condom business has caused me a problem your holiness”
Post yourself an XXXL T shirt Fawkes.
I’ll fuck anything in a skirt.
Sorry about the fuzzie wuzzies wanting to do you harm but you really are an unpopular figure.
“Feet up – pat him on the popo – let’s hear him laugh.” (Apology follows.)
Quite right, Your Holiness – Terminal 1 is the quintescence of the Third World.
Terminal 3 definitely is.
“I am the father of every catholic I meet”
“Bit like me with the blond kids in my neighbourhood then”.
” Do you want kids with that ?”
Give me your congestion charge money right now asshole.
Unlikely leader of millions greets the Pope at Heathrow
David Cameron reported to be much happier after Boris suddenly changes his mind about his next job.
You seem like a nice junge. I’m not wearing any undervestments.
Stop calling me Len yer little gobshoite
“You are good Catholic, my son. I see you do not use ze contraception.”
Yes the shoes are the same ones that Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of oz. You know, I loved that film as a child, I most admired the guy behind the curtain.
Now the guys wearing the curtain and the red shoes
“Love the red shoes. Care for a dance?”
“No, for three reasons. First, you’re drunk. Second, this is the National Anthem. Third, I am the Pope.”
Boris: What happened to the iron cross?
Boris thinks: “Fuck me, I hope they haven’t got his feet in, I must look about 6 foot next to this old kraut while he’s bending over. Pope bending over for me, now there’s a thought.”
“You vant me to use zis bike as my official transport in London? Vere you think I put zese vestments?”
” Phew!……..Thank fuck it’s you Boris and not that dickhead Brown as only one of us can save the world you know”
“Another red shoes no knickers day then, Pope?”
What f*%$!” third world country is this.
“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Like most in Boris’ presence, the Pope feels obligated to lift his robe.
‘No red carpet in Edinburgh and an outdoor commode in London: a third world country it is indeed, Mr Mayor.’
und I played ze vwiff-vwaff viv ze RAF!
Arf!
I am a friend of Dorothy
Pope: And lay off the kiss my ring quips please.
Red Shoe priory’s?
“Why’s that man over there pulling on rubber gloves?”
The escort agency misinterpreted Boris’ request….
BoJo: Good evening young lady, what a charming dress you have on. Fancy a bunk-up?
PoBe: Sorry, you’re not my type, although you do look a bit like a delinquant schoolboy.
sad…..
Maybe you can think of something funnier?
Pope “I don’t condone what those priests did but If I knew the bar was set so low I might have had a go meself”
Thought not.
ahhh the only expected reply from a dick head
Hook line sinker
twat
You need help.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652
Alistair Campbell has taken umbrage at his infamous “We don’t do God” remark, and now claims he was misquoted.
He meant to say “We don’t do any good”
You’re on form today.
My contribution is: ‘Madonna’s understudy fails to impress.’
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to swap your Popemobile for one of my Borisbikes?”
Get lost, Boris. I’m Benedict’s successor; Pope Tony I
“bienvenido a mi casa your Holiness. Sorry its such a shithole, but if they’d let me build ‘Boris island’ you’d have flown into the beautiful Dagenham.
Pope re-enacts famous Marilyn Monroe scene.
Pope: Good heavens they’re cycles,……when you asked if I wanted a go on one of Boris’s bikes I though I was going to shag Petronella Wyatt!!
Bene obviously hadn’t heard about Boris’ reputation for going after anything in a skirt.
” There np lace for homos , There no place for homos ……”
Boris– ” I can lend you one of those pocket knives that gets Priests out of choirboys if it helps?”
I’ve got to sit down. Tell me again. How many girl friends apart from your wife are you confessing to?
Boris: “Why do you wear your underpants in the bath?”
Pope: “Because I don’t like looking down on the unemployed”
Come to Daddy
more like
Boris* “whose the daddy?”
So what’s it like being the Dalai Lama?
Eggs Benedict for breakfast then?
Pope: “I having got a clue what you’re saying. What kind of language are you talking?”
Boris: “Latin…”
Boris, not even God can help you. Sorry.
I am infallible, you see, I was chosen through secret deliberation by a cabal of elders, to represent God.
I know, Boris, I know ..
zing!
The Lama one’s good too.
Pope: Your not quite what I expected, the advert said seeking you blonde young man for fun!
Guido, get that FOI request into Saint Vince asap to find out the name of this firm that wants to hire 500 specialist engineers from non-EU countries. I bet it is one of the big IT consultancies wanting to use cheap foriegn labour to do taxpayer funded Govt IT work.
Should be worth a resignation if exposed correctly, like a picture of Vince and the infamous crosshairs.
Excellent suggestion !
It’s probably Tata , pick ‘em up for peanuts in Poona, use them on a short term contract over here and everyone’s happy – except the poor saps in the British programming sector, who of course are well fucked. Definitely a whiff of deceased rodent about this one Guido
Actually, the clients often end up unhappy as well, but they’ve made the bed …
Can’t be – they’d just rent a broom cupboard in Walthamstow, call ift the London Office and tehen do an intra-company transfer of all 500.
I wonder if it’s a well established one that’s owned by a certain “up and coming” Tory MP who sits in a constituency just west of London…..? Said company has an incredibly high turnover of staff due to the terrible way the management team treat their employees, and they’ve got plenty of form for importing overseas workers so they can get away with paying a pittance.
Boris: if it’s wearing a skirt one might as well have a pop…
Boris is plaesed to see how quickly His Holiness has mastered the initial steps of the Hokey Cokey!
Your holiness. If you accept the fixed penalty notice for not wearing a seatbelt in your popemobile then we can get on with the visit.
Otherwise we’ll have to clamp it and get it towed away.
Boris: I’d shag anything in a skirt and at least HE won’t get pregnant.
“Tell me Benedict, are my children well looked after in a Catholic boarding school?”
” Boris is shocked after Pope starts talking about grapics fedilty “
The shoes? Alitalia onboard shopping…
Welcome to Third World London, lets go through customs now – a certain Mr Paisley is waiting for you all rubber gloved…
My guess is Guido, that before this day is out, you will be sent a bottle of pills, a blunt knife and a map of a secluded wood along with two henchmen to help you out.
I was buggered by my housemaster, does that count?
“Fuck London, where are the children”
Popemobil ? Fuck that, you are going by bendy bus mate, hope you like the ripped seats, scratched windows, crackheads and old ladies smelling of piss.
“O Father dear Father I’ve come to confess
I’ve just left a girl in a terrible mess
Her clothes are in tatters, her t*ts are all bare
And there’s something inside her that shouldn’t be there.”
“O Boris dear Boris you could have done better
But bless you for using no wicked French letter”
“O Father dear Father you do me unjust;
I used one of yours but the bloody thing bust.”
Super.
I didn’t know your Archbishop was in the artillery too – he’s got a group of cannons he wants me to see.
“I can’t wait to get this fucking dress off”
Pope: “Me neither”.
Boris:
“Dominus virtutem approbare, non adhibere debet” if I may say so, your Holiness.
Debent, sir.
Welcome to London. Please bear in mind protecting child abusers is frowned upon here.
I’m keen to visit some schools.
Me too!
“It is true about the Hitler Youth club Boris “but I never got my gassing badge
hoi have you got one of those bikes under there- put it back!
Actually, Holy Father, I do have one question: Do bears shit in the woods?
If you can, please avoid protecting any abuse during your visit. I really don’t approve of that sort of thing, old chap.
Der Krieg ist vorbei, you stoopid Engerlish!
I promised my friends I’d find them some assistants whilst here. Please take me to your schools.
This photo is funnier….
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/johnmcternan1/100054080/is-there-a-red-plot-to-stop-david-miliband-being-elected-labour-leader/
Talk to the hand, cause this girl aint listening!
Eee! He mek like him a batty boy! Wi gwaan hab a bashment time!
The effort of combing his hair had exhausted Boris and he had no energy left to straighten his tie.
Pope:
How do you separate the men from the boys in the Vatican?
Boris:
?
Pope:
With a fucking crow bar.
Boris:
Oi I’m the only joker allowed here sunny Jim.
Tell me young man, do you like gladiator movies…?
Boris is looking a bit like Freddie Flintoff there.
Wide Ball
What, Drunk? or retired?
Tories disprove Gordon Browns “British jobs for British workers ” soundbite .
Modded !!!!!!! ??????? !!!!!!!!!
Fucking irritating isn’t it.
I didnt swear , mention any racist words , any religon . GrRRRRRRRRRR Guido
Were you rude about Pope boy?
Nope
See ????
Your country is full of angry atheists! You need a return to good wholesome christian values, like raping children and covering it up, supporting the Nazis, and killing homosexuals and protestants.
No just angry atheists, but also those of the peaceful religion.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/the-pope/8008981/Pope-visit-Five-suspected-Islamist-terrorists-arrested-over-assassination-plot.html
Pope: “Yes you have ze very good humour Boris. I did indeed click zeese ruby slippers to escape from ze Scotland, ha ha! Maybe ze Englanders zay vill not ignore ze old man underneath ze curtain eh?”
Welcome to London, you will notice that we’ve repaired the damage you nazi c**** caused.
I hear you have a Holocaust Museum here? Can I visit? It’ll remind me of the good old days.
Is there a Holocaust museum in London?
Why? We didn’t do it!
Boris: I bet it’s great living in the Vatican
Pope: Isno jus aparti wid spirits an spanki you know Boris.
Fuckin’ell friar! Is this geezer wearin his wife’s shoes! Gordon Bennet, well I never!
Ver ist das yellow brick strasse?
You say you speak on behalf of jesus and that you believe the earth is 7000 years old? I see. Anyway, the first stop on your visit is a lovely place called Broadmoor.
Bit of a lazy twatt your god, 7000 years and one weeks work. does he not not know how to clim job seekers alowance.
PB: “And do they check that you are ‘intacta’ before you take office, my son?”
BJ: “Er, no, they just ask my mistresses…”
Plop: I hear you have barbaric laws here.
Mayor: We don’t hang people anymore.
Plop: No, I mean imprisoning child abusers. Most barbaric.
Boris, I vont to rrrride vun off yoor London bikes!
Blonden, brunetter oder redkopff, Papa?
Mayor unveils shock entry for London Marathon
Boris:So I read that as a youngster you were forced to join a Fascist regime.
Pope:Yes but the Hitler youth was worse.not as many perks as the Catholic church.
” So what’s the thinking on adultery these days, Benny old chap?”
I’m sweating like a rapist in this rigout.
Pope: ich hoffe der BBC Streik, our surprise appearance on Strictly Come Dancing nicht stoppt.
Tony Blair was always a good Casholic
red ken borrowed me them, he said you’d never be able to fill them boris
Are these your ‘Fuck me’ shoes, your holiness?
Any chance of a nindulgence old chap?
Boris was relieved that, for once, he wouldn’t get caught shagging the wife of the visiting dignitary.
He’s over her your Holiness
here
Boris – Nice pumps
Pope
Boris – Nice pumps
Don’t fancy yours much Boris.
I’m off to Chile next as I hear there are some trapped minors.
Bastard weetbix all over keyboard
Boris goes ugly early.
Papa, for it is he
“I have been told that you may show me “Heaven” so I have brought my dancing shoes”
Boris, Mayor of Bumblecombe
“Right Ho, we’ll just take a left under the Arches, not my sort of place really but if you insist…….”
Gordon Brown: If you would just like to step this way, your Holiness, and may I say on behalf of the people of Great Britain what a pleasure it is to meet you.
Doctor: *sigh* We’ll have to increase the dosage again
Boris: ‘S alright mate. You only have to curtsey to me on Tuesdays.
I say Ratty old chap, perhaps you can help me with this question that is on everybodies lips…
Do bears sh1t in the w00ds?
Did I ever show you the ‘Last chicken in the shop?’
oh… ahh noo
it just slipped out…..
Boris says: No Mr Pope, I think you misunderstand me, I am not a violent man, but I do like bashing my bishop!
Anti Durex convention meets up
Pope to Boris
“Whose the Papa now?”
Boris: When is a state not a state?
Pope: I don’t know?
Boris: When Stephen Fry tweets so.
Is Stephen Fry in a state again?
London’s man in black escorts alien back home.
So you’re not William Hague then?
Pope:So you went to Eton.tell me all about it and don’t leave anything out.
Boris: You’d like to visit my dad’s old chip shop?
Boris:And on the itinerary we will see Gary Glitter singing.
‘I love,you love,you’re only two love’
Pope: The last bloke to do my job had a very unfortunate run in with a Turk – you’re not tooled up are you Boris?
Both: “Who is this blithering idiot?”
We couldn’t afford to book Susan Boyle your holiness but we’ve got Gary Glitter and the gang.
“One’s got a johnson that’s useless, the other’s a useless Johnson”
Surely you mean:
One has a useless johnson, the other is a useless Johnson.
Surprise casting for the 2010 remake of ‘The Bodyguard’
The Government has done well to keep the Vicar of Albion, the man who would out-Pope the Pope, off the air-waves and out of camera shot. Blair is grinding his teeth, thinking “It should have been me hosting the Pope on the first ever official papal visit since the Middle Ages, with Cherie in a black mantilla” – I hope so, anyway.
State papal visit, I meant.
Do you think the Pope could single-handedly revive the British shoe industry, like Diana did. Even I want a pair of hand-made soft red leather brogues.
New world record set for longest Confession.
I thought you were a left footer!
You only get one dance with me and, no, I am not going home with you!
Come on…..get out of the gutter
I can see Boris saying
‘do you want to confess first or do you want me to go’?
Boris says
‘remember tell my other half word for word we were down the bookies all afternoon’.
Boris says
‘Really I can be Prime Minister’
Pope ” Are you that red prick who’s Mayor Of London?”
Boris ” No it’s just the reflection from your shoes”
Himmle Boris, together we could rule the world
Cinders knew she’d have to leave by midnight or else her footman would turn back into a rat…..
Tony, you have aged but why the Jewish Hat, negotiations not going too well ?
Tony, you have aged somewhat
We put ze right foot in
Ze right foot out
In out umlaut
Shake it all abaut….
You do ze Hopey Popey
And you tvist and shout
Zat’s vot its all about!
Hey do the Dopey Popey
Hey do the Dopey Popey
Hey do the Dopey Popey
Zat’s vot its all about!
“It’s the black and white ministries show!”
“You see, Boris, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in…”
“Boris: is it called Heathrow after that Prime Minister Edward you had back in the early ‘seventies?”
Following his 14th birthday in 1941, Ratzinger was conscripted into the Hitler Youth — as membership was required by law for all 14-year old German boys after December 1939[9] — but was an unenthusiastic member who refused to attend meetings.[10]
His father was an enemy of Nazism, believing it conflicted with the Catholic faith. In 1941, one of Ratzinger’s cousins, a 14-year-old boy with Down syndrome, was taken away by the Nazi regime and killed during the Aktion T4 campaign of Nazi eugenics.[11]
In 1943, while still in seminary, he was drafted into the German anti-aircraft corps as Luftwaffenhelfer.[10] Ratzinger then trained in the German infantry, but a subsequent illness precluded him from the usual rigours of military duty.
As the Allied front drew closer to his post in 1945, he deserted back to his family’s home in Traunstein after his unit had ceased to exist, just as American troops established their headquarters in the Ratzinger household. As a German soldier, he was put in a POW camp but was released a few months later at the end of the war in the summer of 1945. He reentered the seminary, along with his brother Georg, in November of that year.
I really don’t care what he did in the war. I do care about what he hasn’t done when he was clearly in a position to do something positive about cleaning up the rats nest that is the catholic church. You know, the church that supports those of its member who abuse nuns, boys, girls and god only knows what else its members feel the need to screw. That’s what I care about…
Ah …so zey were only following orders when they covered up
Boris: You’ll be going by Wellington Arch [1] tonight…
BXVI: We had one in our garden[2] – I had it made from I shot down[3].
Whatever. It’s still a crap entry for the caption competition. Needs to be shorter and pithier.
Shame you didn’t wait for this one Guido: http://www.spectator.co.uk/coffeehouse/6280378/best-seating-plan-ever.thtml
Hey Papa – have you heard that your astronomy guy has said “Any entity – no matter how many tentacles it has has a soul”.
He meant “arseholes”.
Boris thinks.’I'm not bending down in front of you old cpck!’
DADDY !
FFS Boris get me to a fuckin toilet will you I need to strangle a darkie. I’ve been up in sweaty sock land all day and my guts are full of fry ups, jock pies and cherryade.
No problem your popiness but you can use my bog. The one’s around here are full of Roma pikey beggars and dead Albanians.
“Boris’ prom date raised a few eyebrows.”
Anne Widdecombe finds new dance partner at short notice.
Land of Pope and Tory
Best.
I’ve heard that Stephen Fry is annoyed that there’s some guy in a dress driving around London in a funny car telling the rest of us how to live our lives.
Pope – London is a Godless city.
And God said ….
It is
Boris: Since you arrived, yes.
what ho ho I once war a skirt. No that i’m gay. instead more of a potent female lover but not too much. SAUSAGES!
Are you calling me? So many peole do – they adore me and I should be an MP.
Take me to Mr Blair so we can genuflect togther and give him our loving obedience.
Which one is it they are calling the baffoon?
Kiss the floor?
Kiss my Arse!
Can’t , sorry.. because the floor is over 8 years old.
Your transport is just over here your holiness…
Eh, you mean that bike??
Who, me ?
“Ere Boris …. the saddles on those fings arent half f***ing ‘ard mate”
” I assume that Mrs Pope couldn’t come with you this time”
Pope “Five minutes in Heathrow and some bastard’s nicked me cap”
One minute in Liverpool, and some Hunt will nick yer hubcaps.
look what happend to the mark 2 pope mobile
http://www.greenflash.org.uk/assets/jpegs/sqn%20jpegs/MISC/hovertankhemer.jpg
Ah …. so that’s what he means by Canon Law
Boris: What time is Benedictus?
Pope: After lights out mein kind.
Cut the papist crap, eh Guido ?
Boris:
Get out of my Protestant country, papist pedo.
Boris: (On checking out his choice of shoes)
Follow the yellow brick road, mate. And don’t stop until you drop.
“Right Boris, last one to the bar gets the drinks in!”
Sorry I haven’t read through the rest of the thread but I’ll go with…
” Anything in a skirt! “
Why is this clapped out third world country paying thro’ the nose to the lands of the waving palms – gimme gimme gimme!!
Boris:
Lady Gaga, I have all your records.
So why do the Germans not wan’t us in Europe?
Zig Heil have no moore room in are car manufacturing and to many snellies
Good grief, Tt. Are you pissed or did you skip English class for ten years?
Boris has a much kinder, more compassionate face than the Pope. A point worth mentioning.
Agreed, Angelstar.
‘So I have read that you were once a member of the Hitler Youth’
‘Still am, and Mayor of London…’
They forgot to put the sequins on Judy Garland’s shoes!. What a pantomime dame.
Apologies, the anonymous bastard is gildedtumbril.
Just tap your heels Dorothy then you will be back in Kansas and I will be elected again
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PADDINGTON WARE
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ASTA
Papa Razzi: “Ah, yez, Her Johnson, I have ved abowt vor private life… you needs forgiveness my child!”
Boris: “GUARDS!”
“Gosh, Boris! Do you think that whilst he was twittering on about sexual abuse of children by priests, that Herr Dawkins realised that the man standing behind him on the platform actually advocates that adults should be allowed to have sex with children as young as nine?”
“Yes, that’s right! But only sex with atheists, one would presume, eh, Holy Father?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1311193/PETER-HITCHENS-Question-Who-said-Not-sex-involving-children-unwanted-abusive-Answer-The-Popes-biggest-British-critic.html#ixzz0zUDbYaj2
You could not make it up.
Responding to criticism about his handling of the Catholic child abuse scandal, the Pope steps out in his best “fuck me” shoes (Copyright2003 Theresa May).
Boris: If you’re holiness would just like to hop on that bike
Pope: With my piles? You must be kidding.
Ze left foot in, ze left foot out…………